All language subtitles for The Muppet Show - s02e08 - Milton Berle

Milton Berle, 20 seconds to curtain.

Standby for make -up. Standby for what?

Make -up!

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Another show, another headache.

It's time to get things started.

edition of The Muppet Show.

Tonight's a special one for us because
our guest star is one of the truly great

comedians, Milton Berle.

So now for tonight's opening number,
here he is, one of the beautiful people.

of us were ugly.

Take the case of our friend the
crocodile.

His bite is much worse than his bark.

In fact, his behavior is juvenile.

Infantile. Why can't he just sing like a
lark?

He's not the prettiest to be found. He's
a useful and happy reptile.

I'll double up anyone left lying down
and that gives me my

He's ugly. He's ugly as sin.

What good is it without uglies in?

Yeah. If you're ugly like me, you're in
good company.

There are millions of us who are ugly.

Take the case of our friend the warthog.

He must be the ugliest by far.

Check every page in the ugly catalog.

Of all the ugly ones, he's the star.

His tail sticking up like a flagpole.

His tusks and his warts and his
bristles.

Whenever I decide to take a stroll, I'm
never bothered by any wolf whistles.

Ugly, you're ugly, it's in.

What beautiful sound.

Ugly's in.

Yes, sir. If you're ugly like me, you're
in good company.

There are millions of us, we're ugly.

Now, if you're bad looking, you're the
lucky one.

There's no effort involved in being
ugly.

But if you're beautiful by comparison,
well, it's really a catastrophe.

Ointment and makeup and all that you
smear on your body daily.

Then you wipe it all off and you put on
some more.

So be thankful that we are ugly.

We're ugly, we're ugly as sin.

But beautiful doubt, ugly's in.

If you're ugly like me, you're in good
company.

There are millions of us who are ugly.

There are millions of us who are ugly.

wrong with this hearing aid?

Yeah, what's wrong?

I can't hear with it.

Oh, no wonder.

It's too far away.

Okay,

beautiful opening number. Beautiful.
Very pretty. Very pretty.

Uh, well, pretty ugly.

What is that?

Ozzie? Yeah?

Oh, what are you doing?

I'm hiding from Milton Berle.

You're hiding from Milton Berle, but
he's your idol. Don't you want to meet

Meet him? Why do you think I'm hiding,
Kermit? What could this lowly bear say

the king of comics?

How about hello?

Hello? I just couldn't say hello.

No, I'd have to make a little speech and
grovel a lot.

Well, whatever you say, but I think
there's one thing you should know about

Milton Berle. Right. He's coming down
the stairs.

Hi there, Milton. You ready for your
monologue?

All ready.

Okay. I'm going to go out and introduce
you. Thank you very much.

Hey, Uncle Miltie, I hope you really
knock them dead out there.

Listen, kid, don't worry about the king.

I'm not. I'm worried about you.

How do you like that? I'm not even on
the station. I'm in trouble.

In the golden age of television, our
guest star earned the title of Mr.

Television, and he deserves it to this
day.

Here he is, the incomparable Miltie.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, and good evening.
And I want to thank you, Kermit. Thank

you for your wonderful introduction.
First time I've ever been introduced by

amphibious emcee.

Because you know what amphibious means.
It means he can be dull on land or

water.

I feel great. I really feel wonderful. I
just got back from a pleasure trip.

I took my mother -in -law to the
airport.

And while I was there... Honey!

Uh -huh, uh -huh. I heard about them.
It's beginning.

You're the two guys that I heard about
that heckle from the box, aren't you?

Yeah, they are, ladies and gentlemen.
Get a look at them.

Starsky and Crutch.

Yeah, don't start with me, boys. Don't
start with me, please. Hey, hey, Burl.

What? You know what? I've just figured
out your style.

Really? You work like Gregory Peck.

Gregory Peck's not a comedian.

Well?

Now, just a minute, please. I have been
a successful comedian half of my life.

How come we got this half?

Look, did you come in here to be
entertained or not?

That's right.

What's right?

We came in here to be entertained, and
we're not.

Oh, yeah?

I'd like to see you come down here and
be funny.

You first.

Ha, ha, ha, the audience.

Don't pay any attention to him, folks.

He's the ninth child of a family of
eight.

Let me tell this story. Hey, Bill.

Oh, yes, what is it? What is it? You
know what you're doing wrong?

What am I doing wrong?

You're standing too close to the
audience.

Oh, yeah?

How's this?

You're still too close.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this okay?

Yeah, a little more.

How far back do you want me to go?

You got a car?

Let me tell you something. If you don't
stop, I'll have the usher throw you out.

He can't. He's too busy.

Doing what?

Keeping people in.

And you're encouraging me. That's what
you're doing.

You're not a guy. I got a good mind to
punch you in your nose.

Please, not while I'm holding it.

That's pretty funny.

You can use it.

I can use it. I don't need your
material, pal.

I got a million funny lines in the back
of my head.

Yeah, how come they never reach your
mouth?

Gentlemen, would you please?

Would you take it easy?

Do you think I'm doing this for fun?

Not so far.

Oh, I see.

You think you can do better?

I couldn't do worse.

All right. I dare you both to come down
here and entertain.

We should.

Oh, yeah?

Do you sing?

No. Do you dance?

No. Can you get laughs?

No. Then what would you do?

Just what you're doing.

Okay, that's it. That's it. I'm going to
call the police.

Good idea. You need all the protection
you can get.

Don't, will you? I've had it with you
guys.

I'm not going to put up with you
anymore.

Anymore. Not anymore.

Hey, how's it going, Mr. Burrow? Oh, I'm
going to start with you now. How's it

going?

It's gone terribly. These guys have been
picking on me and assaulting me ever

since I started.

Well, can I help you out?

Please, huh?

Which way did you come in?

London. The will of the late Mary
Crandall, which has been bitterly

her son Charles and her cat Cutie Pie,
was settled today.

A special court has ruled Charles as the
sole heir, and he will be awarded the

entire estate, 10 ,000 rubber mice.

And now, here...

Featuring the master of the Swine Trek,
the intrepid and well -fed Link

Hogthrob.

And his first mate and second in
command, the very cute and extremely

Miss Piggy.

And the super brain behind this whole
ghastly mistake, the inexplicable Dr.

Julius Strangepork.

As you recall, last week the spaceship
Swine Trek was on a suicidal collision

course with a mysterious celestial
object.

It's coming straight at us, but I can't
tell what it is. It looks like the

headlight on a motorcycle.

We know what it looks like. We want to
know what it is.

Pesti, pesti, mon capitaine.

Doc, would you look this thing up in
your book?

Yes, yes, no, no. It's not listed here
under any known objects.

Look under unknown objects.

How could it be in my book if it's
unknown?

There are some things even pigs don't
know.

Doc, how long before we collide with
this thing?

Exactly 17 hours. Good.

Well, that's the kind of man I like to
have on my crew.

La -dee -da.

Excuse me, Captain. It's not exactly 17
hours. No?

No. It's 17 seconds.

We have trouble with those little
decimals.

17 seconds.

Nice going, Doc.

Prepare for collision.

It was a motorcycle.

I told you that at the beginning of this
dumb sketch.

Lucky guess.

Anyway, I got us out of that tight
pinch.

This is

a good place to

hide from Milton Berle.

Gee, I never realized how funny he
really is in relation to certain bears I

could mention.

I think I'll just stay here till the end
of the show.

Hey, Fozzie, that won't work. We already
used that joke on pigs in space.

The entertainer, right?

Yeah, that's the name of the song.

You know, most people don't know that
there are words to that song.

Yeah, that's true.

And what they're about?

They're about the stars and the
performers and the entertainers that

during the heyday of vaudeville. Hey,
you used to be in vaudeville, didn't

Yeah, sure I was, when I was a kid.

How many performances did you do in
Vaudeville? Oh, I'd say between 80 ,000

100 ,000.

Wow. You were really the entertainer,
weren't you? One of them, yeah, one of

them.

Many, many fond memories.

Now the curtain has gone up.

The entertainer is taking a bow.

He does his dance set.

And sings his song.

Even gets the audience to sing along.

Yes, he knows just what to do.

He knows how to bring down the house
when he's through.

Snappy patter and jokes.

He knows what pleases the folks.

The entertainer.

The star of the show.

There was a dancing bear, even a dog out
there, and a comedian who never

let him down.

But when he came on to do his favorite
song, he really wowed them in the city

and the town.

Now the curtain is going down on the
entertainer, the artist, the

pro.

He was put on this earth to bring us
laughter and mirth.

The entertainer, the star of the show.

play that song again for moi?

Sure.

Now the curtain is going up The
entertainer is taking

her Does her dance step and sings her
song Even

gets all the audience to see

Yes, she knows just what she must do.

Knows how to bring down the house when
she's through.

Slappy patter and jokes, she knows what
pleases the folks. The entertainer, the

star of the show.

What's up, Mineral?

She's a born pimp.

Huppa, huppa.

And now the curtain is going up. Oh,
yeah. The entertainer is taking her bow.

Does her dance and sing her song.

Even gets all the audience to sing
along.

Yeah, she knows just what she must do.

Knows how to bring down the house when
she's through.

What's this?

What does it look like, small boy I have
never seen before?

Well, it looks like Fozzie Bear trying
to hide from Milton Berle.

You have penetrated my disguise.

Oh, Fozzie. Oh, Fozzie, why don't you
just go up to Milton Berle and introduce

yourself? Oh, I just couldn't do that,
Scooter. Well, I see your point.

Milton's monologue was terrific.

Yeah. As a matter of fact, he's much
funnier than you are.

You know, if you really want to know the
truth... I don't. I don't. What's wrong

with old -fashioned lying?

Fozzie, you look upset.

I am, Scooter. I wish I could go lie
down.

Well, what's stopping you?

Standing on my beard.

Oh, sorry.

And now, straight from a three -month
engagement at the

Desert Springs Vermont Humane Society...
Here is Zelda Rose and her singing owl.

Oh.

Turn my heart away.

Makes me dream all day. Dreams I knew
can never

be.

Oh, Fonzie.

Hey, Fonzie, you know, this is your last
chance to meet Milton Berle.

Come on, I keep telling you, I just
can't. I wouldn't know what to say to

Yeah, well, here he comes.

Oh!

Please don't tell him where I am.

Hey, whatever you say.

Hey, Kermit, where's Fozzie Bear?

Oh, Fozzie Bear. Well, funny you should
mention it. He's... Where is he? He's in

Death Valley.

Death Valley?

Yep, Death Valley. What's he doing in
Death Valley?

Well, he's gathering material for his
act.

I've seen his act. He can use it. No,
I'm kidding.

You know, Kermit, I've always wanted to
do a song and dance with Fozzie Bear.

Yep, folks, once more the bear talks his
way out of things.

Yes, sir, yes, sir. I was just telling
Kermit that I've always wanted to do a

song and dance with you.

You? You? A song and dance with me? You
the king of the baggy pants comics?

You the... How about... How about... Top
Banana?

What?

Top Banana.

If you want me to tie you a banana, I'll
do it. I'll tie you a Brussels sprout,

a plum, whatever. I'll do it.

No, no, kid. You see, Top Banana is what
they call the head comic back in the

days of burlesque. Ah.

Let me tell you something.

Okay. Yeah?

You listening? Oh, yeah, yeah, yes, yes,
yes.

Your big -timers and your small -timers
fathers never made it the easy way.

Here's the way it usually goes.

The star comes first, then the leading
man, then the actors in the play.

There are no comics like low comics who
finally make the grade.

Oh, I recall, sweetheart, all the phony
starts and the lousy parts

I played.

Come on, Fozzie, follow me, huh? Come
on.

If you want to be the top of the map,
you've got to start from the bottom of

bucket.

You've got to know the joke about the
farmer's daughter.

Then take it in the kisser with the soda
water.

If you want to be a burlap comer, it's
basic training for you to take a punch.

You've got to roll your eyes and make a
funny face and do a taken holler. This

must be the place.

Hey, hey,

hey, where are you going?

I'm taking my case to court.

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

No, what's the matter, my good man?
What's the matter? Who is this? Who is

Why, it's me.

Oh, good, I thought it was me.

Hey, hey, now. Now where are you going?
I'm taking my case to a higher court.

Hey, now where are you going, Sam?

Sam? How did you know?

How did you know?

Yes, yes.

How did you know my name was... How did
you know my... Will you wait till I tell

it, folks, please?

How did you know my name was Sam?

I guessed it.

Then guess where I'm going.

You want to... Stop the music.

Do we have to do this, Joe? You've got
to do it.

It's an oldie, pal.

I know, I know.

You've got a lot of guts, pal, I'll tell
you that.

Well,

feed me once more, please. Feed me.

Hey, what happened in court?

Are you ready? I lost the suit.

If you want to be the top banana.

You gotta start at the bottom of the
bunch.

An actor has to bring on tears without a
giggle. A tough banana has to have two

ears that wiggle.

You may want to imitate no comment.

You'll get more laughs by saying, What
the heck?

We hardly find a drawing room a toss of
murk. But put us in a bedroom or an

upper berth. If you want to be a tough
banana, you gotta start from the bottom.

We've reached the end of another one,
folks. Let's have a big round of

for Mr. Milton Berle.

Bobby, what are you doing out here?

Oh, come it. Milton and I are the best
of friends now. Right, Uncle Milton?

That's right. Yeah, yeah. From now on, I
can see it. It's the bear and the

burro. Wrong.

It's the burro and the bear.

Yes, yes, yes, old master of mine.
Grubble, grubble. Remember that.

grubble. Okay.

We'll see you all next time on The
Muppet Show. Yeah.

Good work, man.

Well, I finally got my hearing aid
working.

Speak up. My hearing aid's not working.