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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,210 --> 00:00:09,810 Hi, I'm Brian Henson. 2 00:00:10,370 --> 00:00:13,950 Everyone remembers a read -through for this particular episode of The Muppet 3 00:00:13,950 --> 00:00:18,060 Show. Edgar Bergen entered carrying a little black suitcase, and every person 4 00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:20,440 the room knew what was in that suitcase, Charlie McCarthy. 5 00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:24,140 Yeah, you know, I'm sorry, I don't usually talk to frogs, you know. 6 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:29,440 Sometimes I have dinner with frogs, though. Oh, well, that's nice. Yes, 7 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:34,300 delicious. Charlie was a legendary character, on stage and on radio and 8 00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:38,240 TV. Frankly, he was like a puppet hero to the Muppets. 9 00:00:45,550 --> 00:00:49,770 For you real Muppet fans, this is the episode where Fozzie tries to be a 10 00:00:49,770 --> 00:00:50,770 ventriloquist. 11 00:00:52,610 --> 00:00:56,410 And Gonzo wrestles a brick. 12 00:00:59,370 --> 00:01:01,650 Here it is, The Muppet Show with Edgar Bergen. 13 00:01:05,150 --> 00:01:08,490 Edgar Bergen! 25 seconds to curtain, Mr. Bergen! 14 00:01:08,690 --> 00:01:09,669 Oh, thank you. 15 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:10,870 Did you hear that, Charlie? 16 00:01:11,370 --> 00:01:13,530 I just can't believe my eyes. 17 00:01:13,850 --> 00:01:16,710 Did he go yet? Yes, he just stuck his head in the door and left. 18 00:01:17,030 --> 00:01:19,710 I don't mean him. I mean him. 19 00:01:20,290 --> 00:01:23,890 I just can't believe my eyes. 20 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,130 A stick of wood that talks. 21 00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:33,570 It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. 22 00:01:33,790 --> 00:01:34,790 Ed... 23 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:08,320 This week, they'll be funny. Want to bet? It's time to get things started on 24 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:14,380 most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, computational, this is 25 00:02:14,380 --> 00:02:15,500 call... 26 00:02:15,500 --> 00:02:25,560 Thank 27 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:29,400 you, thank you, thank you. Hello there, and welcome again to the Muppet Show. We 28 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:33,560 have two very special guests tonight, Mr. Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie 29 00:02:34,330 --> 00:02:38,310 We're also going to try to coax Mortimer Snurd into making an appearance. You 30 00:02:38,310 --> 00:02:40,090 see, Mortimer is a shy country boy. 31 00:02:40,530 --> 00:02:43,490 Hey, Mortimer, this opening number should make you feel right at home. 32 00:02:43,770 --> 00:02:44,770 Ready, girls? 33 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,000 Because the alligators were sick. 34 00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:49,500 That makes sense. 35 00:04:50,460 --> 00:04:53,680 Yeah, okay, okay, yeah. Well, I see what you mean about the dressing room. 36 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,520 I'll see what I can do about having a coop built for you out back, okay? 37 00:04:58,360 --> 00:04:59,780 Okay, okay, sure, right. 38 00:05:00,580 --> 00:05:03,340 You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough 39 00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:04,340 union. 40 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,700 Call the janitor. There's a toad loose in the theater. 41 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:19,740 Charlie, now, Kermit is supposed to be here. Yeah? Yes, and besides, don't you 42 00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:22,920 know the difference between a frog and a toad? I guess not, no. 43 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:27,440 Well, you see, frogs are handsome, debonair, and charming, while toads are 44 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:32,520 and give you warts. I see. I guess that means the toad is supposed to be here. 45 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:38,900 Kermit, I do forgive Charlie. I know that he can be difficult and trying. 46 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,280 Yeah. I can be difficult without trying. Yeah, I know you can. 47 00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:46,740 I don't mind, Edgar, because I always expect wisecracks from Charlie. It's 48 00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:47,740 good to have you here. 49 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,840 Well, see, I'm sorry. I don't usually talk to frogs, you know. 50 00:05:52,460 --> 00:05:53,460 Charlie, please. 51 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,520 Yeah, all right. 52 00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:59,300 Sometimes I have dinner with frogs, though. Oh, well, that's nice. Yes, 53 00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:00,300 delicious. 54 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,400 No, that's not nice. Well, make up your mind. 55 00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:08,100 I once tried to raise some frogs, see? 56 00:06:08,540 --> 00:06:12,380 I'm not sure I want to hear this. Well, you'll get it anyway. I was going to 57 00:06:12,380 --> 00:06:17,860 teach them to jump forwards and backwards, and that way they'd have hind 58 00:06:17,860 --> 00:06:18,860 both ends, see? 59 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,900 And I'd have to jump on everybody. 60 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,480 You don't know what you're saying. Yes, I do, Bergen. 61 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:31,120 I can read your lips. Oh, that learns him up. 62 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:35,540 Hey, listen, Charlie, it's really great to have you here. Just try to relax. 63 00:06:35,630 --> 00:06:38,030 Relax and act natural. Well, I am acting natural. 64 00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:39,890 Really? You look a little wooden to me. 65 00:06:42,410 --> 00:06:46,910 If you're going to do jokes like that, Bergen and I will be right at home. Yes, 66 00:06:46,910 --> 00:06:50,090 we will. Well, that's what we want. Relax, yes. 67 00:06:50,350 --> 00:06:51,450 No, song cues. 68 00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:57,590 Consider yourself at home. 69 00:06:58,690 --> 00:07:01,210 Consider yourself one of the family. 70 00:07:01,550 --> 00:07:03,570 No, thank you. We've taken to you. 71 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:17,260 Consider yourself part of the furniture, not me. 72 00:07:59,470 --> 00:08:00,870 keeps the hatchet away. 73 00:08:07,330 --> 00:08:09,470 Here's the bacon to go with the eggs. 74 00:08:16,750 --> 00:08:20,870 This isn't a television show. This is a zoo. 75 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:02,760 situation developed today when the muppet news reporter accidentally went 76 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:08,460 camera forgetting to put on his pants oh 77 00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:15,440 good grief and now in a feat of 78 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:19,900 grand daring never before seen on this planet the great gonzo will attempt to 79 00:09:19,900 --> 00:09:24,020 wrestle a six pound red brick while completely blindfolded 80 00:10:14,830 --> 00:10:15,830 Kermit, where's the glue? 81 00:10:16,070 --> 00:10:17,150 Uh, well, it's in the office. 82 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:21,410 Where's Piggy? Oh, also, I need some string and some paint, and do you have 83 00:10:21,410 --> 00:10:22,289 black cloth? 84 00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:25,510 Uh, Fozzie, I'm trying to run a show around here. Oh, I know, Kermit, but you 85 00:10:25,510 --> 00:10:28,970 see, I'm on in a few minutes, and my act's not ready. 86 00:10:29,270 --> 00:10:33,490 Uh, well, what act is that, Fozzie? Oh, well, you know how Edgar Bergen gets 87 00:10:33,490 --> 00:10:36,350 screams of laughter just by talking with Charlie McCarthy? 88 00:10:36,830 --> 00:10:37,830 Uh, yeah, I saw. 89 00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:45,010 I'm dead tonight. 90 00:10:46,630 --> 00:10:49,090 Here he goes, the dummy and his dummy. 91 00:10:50,230 --> 00:10:54,550 And now, H in Space! 92 00:10:58,030 --> 00:11:04,650 Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob, the flammable first mate, Miss 93 00:11:04,650 --> 00:11:08,430 Piggy, and the inexplicable Doctor Strange. 94 00:11:10,950 --> 00:11:16,800 As we left our heroes last time The spaceship Swine Trek was on the verge of 95 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:17,800 hideous catastrophe. 96 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:22,780 Dr. Strangeborg, who can save us from this hideous catastrophe? 97 00:11:23,220 --> 00:11:27,420 Captain, according to my records, the only person who's had the necessary 98 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,620 training to save us is... 99 00:11:43,950 --> 00:11:49,450 Miss Piggy, you and you alone can operate the independent heating slash 100 00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:53,990 element across the horizontal equalizing plane and save the entire crew of the 101 00:11:53,990 --> 00:11:54,889 swan track. 102 00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:58,030 Oh, I am ready, my captain. 103 00:11:58,230 --> 00:12:01,270 Excellent. Bring in the equipment for Miss Piggy. 104 00:12:05,230 --> 00:12:07,590 What is this? 105 00:12:08,730 --> 00:12:14,000 Well, surely you recognize the independent heating slash unifying 106 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,880 the horizontal equalizing planes. 107 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,260 You want me to do the laundry? 108 00:12:21,060 --> 00:12:24,260 Of course. Nobody on the crew has had clean laundry for a week. 109 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,520 That is correct. 110 00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:27,960 We're all living like pigs. 111 00:12:28,260 --> 00:12:30,320 An astute observation, Doctor. 112 00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:33,740 Hey, what say? You want to play a little touch football? Toss the old pigskin 113 00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:35,520 around? Right behind you, Captain. 114 00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:40,740 Oh, one more thing, Miss Piggy. A little less starch in the pajamas, okay? 115 00:12:50,410 --> 00:12:53,730 episode of ever 116 00:12:53,730 --> 00:13:03,910 since 117 00:13:03,910 --> 00:13:10,510 songwriters started writing songs they have written songs about the rose red 118 00:13:10,510 --> 00:13:17,210 roses blue roses old roses new roses roses from the north and south and 119 00:13:17,210 --> 00:13:18,690 west bye 120 00:13:23,650 --> 00:13:27,570 Show me a rose and I'll show you a girl who cares. 121 00:13:28,790 --> 00:13:32,450 Show me a rose or leave me alone. 122 00:13:34,490 --> 00:13:38,150 Show me a rose and I'll show you a storm at sea. 123 00:13:39,810 --> 00:13:43,090 Show me a rose or leave me alone. 124 00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:48,810 She taught me how to do the tango. 125 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:56,400 Down where the palm trees sway, I called her Rosamia. 126 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,340 And she called a spade a spade. 127 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,440 Show me a rose and I'll show you a stag at bay. 128 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,880 Show me a rose or leave me alone. 129 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:20,090 One night in Bixby, Mississippi, we watched the clouds. rolled by 130 00:14:20,090 --> 00:14:26,850 I said my dear how are you and she whispered so 131 00:14:26,850 --> 00:14:32,490 am I show me a rose and I'll show you a girl named Sam 132 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,700 Well, of course you can, Fozzie. Oh, good. 133 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,520 And it's good to see you again. 134 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:09,560 You know Mortimer's nerd, of course. 135 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:15,740 Oh, well, of course. I recognize this charming, handsome -looking gentleman. 136 00:15:16,140 --> 00:15:17,140 No. 137 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,500 This is a dark new thing. 138 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:22,320 Well, 139 00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:26,180 now, Mortimer, you know who he is, surely. Oh, yeah. Hello, Shirley. 140 00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:29,440 No, my name is Fozzie. 141 00:15:29,660 --> 00:15:31,580 Yeah, that's right. Shirley Fozzie. 142 00:15:32,510 --> 00:15:35,990 Now, listen, Mr. Mortimer, I didn't even know you were here. 143 00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:38,930 Well, say, maybe I'm not here. 144 00:15:39,290 --> 00:15:41,930 What? Was I here yesterday? 145 00:15:42,590 --> 00:15:47,290 No. Well, then probably I'm not here today. I don't travel too much. 146 00:15:49,010 --> 00:15:50,010 Listen, Mr. 147 00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:51,910 Bergen... Am I supposed to be here? 148 00:15:52,150 --> 00:15:53,150 Well, of course. 149 00:15:53,190 --> 00:15:57,030 You'll have to excuse, Mortimer. He's a little bit slow. 150 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,480 Yeah, it's probably why I'm not here yet. 151 00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:07,640 Wait, wait. What do you mean, Mortimer? Well, if I were faster, I'd be here by 152 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:13,520 now. Listen, Mortimer, take my word for it. You are here. Well, thank goodness. 153 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:16,600 Are you through? No, I'm here. Yeah, all right. 154 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,760 Mortimer, haven't you any brains at all? 155 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:20,960 Well, well. 156 00:16:21,020 --> 00:16:22,320 Not with me, no. 157 00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:24,220 I'll ignore that. 158 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,200 Fozzie, what can I do for you? 159 00:16:26,590 --> 00:16:31,570 Oh, well, Mr. Bergen, see, my spot in the show is on in just a minute, and 160 00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:34,190 decided to go out and do an act like yours. 161 00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:40,850 Oh, well, our act is easy. I sit on the stage and talk, and Bergen stands next 162 00:16:40,850 --> 00:16:43,030 to me and moves his lips. 163 00:16:43,990 --> 00:16:45,430 One more thing. 164 00:16:45,850 --> 00:16:48,630 You must have comedy. You must have good jokes. 165 00:16:49,210 --> 00:16:50,210 Jokes? Yeah. 166 00:16:50,350 --> 00:16:55,410 Speaking of jokes, there's a funny story going around. 167 00:16:57,570 --> 00:17:00,030 Mortimer, what's the story going around? 168 00:17:00,390 --> 00:17:02,790 Well, I don't know. It hasn't gotten around to me yet. 169 00:17:04,730 --> 00:17:06,650 Boy, Mortimer, you are stupid. 170 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,500 Yeah, yeah. But I've made a success of it. 171 00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:13,660 Excuse me, Mortimer. Fawzi, you're on. 172 00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:15,720 Oh, oh, oh, I'm on. 173 00:17:16,020 --> 00:17:19,119 Oh, wish me luck, Mortimer. Good luck, good luck. Yeah, good luck. 174 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:20,800 Oh, 175 00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:23,560 that surely is a nice fella. 176 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:26,920 Okay, 177 00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:33,620 well, once again, it's time for everyone's semi -favorite funny man, or 178 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,580 semi -funny man, or whatever. 179 00:17:36,379 --> 00:17:39,800 Fozzie has something new in mind for tonight, so summon your courage and 180 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,020 welcome, if you will, Mr. Fozzie Bear and friend. 181 00:17:47,420 --> 00:17:49,260 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 182 00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:51,620 It's Fozzie and Chucky time. 183 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:58,740 Chucky, who was that lady I saw you with last night? 184 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,520 Baby, I saw you with last night. 185 00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:13,460 Hey, 186 00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:17,160 Chucky. 187 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,340 Moving right along. 188 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:23,780 Chucky, why do firemen wear red suspenders? 189 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,340 Okay, Chucky, listen. 190 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,340 Why does a chicken cross the road? 191 00:18:47,830 --> 00:18:49,810 about ventriloquism that I think you should know. What? 192 00:18:50,190 --> 00:18:54,010 Well, you see, Fonzie, listen, Fonzie, it's the ventriloquist who actually does 193 00:18:54,010 --> 00:18:55,450 the work. He does it. 194 00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:58,730 Yes. Really? 195 00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:00,249 I'm moving. 196 00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:02,210 Nope. Okay, okay, I got it now. 197 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,000 spent the night alone. 198 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:45,900 If I could save time in a bottle, 199 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:48,740 the first thing 200 00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:02,140 Till eternity passes away just to spend them with you. 201 00:20:03,580 --> 00:20:10,440 If I could make days last forever, if words 202 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,920 could make wishes come true, 203 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:18,840 I'd save every day like a treasure. 204 00:20:26,830 --> 00:20:32,230 never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find 205 00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:33,230 them. 206 00:20:36,570 --> 00:20:43,150 I've looked around enough to know you're the one I want to go through time with. 207 00:20:58,570 --> 00:21:05,350 If I had a box just for wishes and dreams 208 00:21:05,350 --> 00:21:12,130 that had never come true, the box would be empty 209 00:21:12,130 --> 00:21:18,810 except for the memory of how they were answered by you. 210 00:21:20,110 --> 00:21:26,630 But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you 211 00:21:26,630 --> 00:21:27,630 find them. 212 00:21:31,980 --> 00:21:37,520 I looked around enough to know that you're the one I want to go through time 213 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:38,520 with. 214 00:21:47,380 --> 00:21:52,160 If I could save time in a bottle. 215 00:22:44,620 --> 00:22:47,720 Bergen is a performer who means something very special to all of us on 216 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:51,820 Muppet Show. So it's really a thrill for me to say once again, here is Edgar 217 00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:53,720 Bergen and everybody's friend, Charlie McCarthy. 218 00:22:58,580 --> 00:23:02,160 Well, Charlie, are you enjoying yourself on The Muppet Show? 219 00:23:02,500 --> 00:23:07,460 Yes, Bergen, I'm enjoying myself, yes. Well, that's nice. 220 00:23:07,660 --> 00:23:10,240 Yes, I have to enjoy myself. 221 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,200 There's nothing else to enjoy on the show. 222 00:23:14,879 --> 00:23:17,660 What? They're a bunch of weirdos. Oh, no. 223 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:23,380 That's not nice to say that. Yeah. Why, there's some wonderful folks on this 224 00:23:23,380 --> 00:23:24,380 show. Yeah, yes. 225 00:23:24,580 --> 00:23:27,740 Well, like Fozzie. Well, he's a bear. Yes. 226 00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:29,420 Pure and simple. 227 00:23:29,860 --> 00:23:32,080 Charlie. Accent on simple. 228 00:23:33,820 --> 00:23:38,960 No, you know, I think he's very nice. He's so cute and cuddly. Yeah. You know 229 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,540 what he reminds me of? 230 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:41,760 No, what is it? 231 00:23:42,399 --> 00:23:47,960 You know, the floor in my den, it needs a rug. It needs a rug. That's enough of 232 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,940 that, Charlie. I don't want to hear any more about Fozzie. Good. 233 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,460 I'll talk about the frog. No, no, no. 234 00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:58,120 No, you won't. He is our host, Kermit is. Yeah, that's right. You know what we 235 00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:00,780 used to do with frogs in biology class? 236 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:02,580 I don't want to hear about that. No. 237 00:24:04,020 --> 00:24:06,200 I'm surprised to hear you talking that way. 238 00:24:06,420 --> 00:24:07,780 What's the matter with you, Charlie? 239 00:24:08,140 --> 00:24:13,830 Well, if you must know, I'm, uh... I'm lonesome. Oh, you're lonesome? Yeah. Oh, 240 00:24:13,950 --> 00:24:18,610 I should have guessed that, sure. You missed the companionship of a beautiful, 241 00:24:18,750 --> 00:24:19,870 gorgeous female. 242 00:24:20,150 --> 00:24:21,970 Yeah, yeah. Did someone call me? 243 00:24:27,730 --> 00:24:30,910 Don't look down, Bergen, but somebody left the sty gate open. 244 00:24:31,750 --> 00:24:33,490 Did you say something? 245 00:24:33,790 --> 00:24:36,570 Yeah, well, I was talking to Bergen. 246 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,360 He was just saying that he wanted to meet you. 247 00:24:42,580 --> 00:24:44,520 Uh -huh. Didn't sound that way to me. 248 00:24:44,820 --> 00:24:46,420 Well, me neither, and I said it. 249 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:53,940 For your information, you overdressed splinter, my heart belongs to Kermit. 250 00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:55,880 You're in love with a frog? 251 00:24:57,180 --> 00:24:59,300 What are you laughing at, mahogany mouth? 252 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:01,620 You know what we used to do with frogs? 253 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,360 No, you know what we used to do with wood? 254 00:25:04,620 --> 00:25:05,620 No, I... 255 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,720 say goodbye. Let's bring out our special guests one more time. 256 00:25:22,260 --> 00:25:24,580 I'm not going out there if that pig is still there. 257 00:25:24,780 --> 00:25:26,260 Don't be silly, Charlie. Mr. 258 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:27,840 Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie McCarthy. 259 00:25:29,060 --> 00:25:32,020 Is that pig gone? 260 00:25:32,260 --> 00:25:34,080 No, there's nobody out here but us frogs. 261 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:34,979 Oh, just frogs. 262 00:25:34,980 --> 00:25:38,240 Did I ever tell you what we did with frogs in biology class? 263 00:26:19,660 --> 00:26:22,320 He shouldn't have jumped. The show's not that bad. 20660