All language subtitles for The Muppet Show - s02e01 - George Burns

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

George Burns is the guest star on this
episode of The Muppet Show.

What is that?

It's my new act, Gonzo Fiddles while
George Burns.

I like that joke.

It's a pleasure to hear something that's
older than I am.

One of my favorite bits to watch for is
the monster and machine sketch, where

the monster slowly eats the machine bit
by bit.

It has a wonderful and typically Muppet
twist ending.

In conclusion, nothing can keep this
machine from performing its primary

function, which is to be the most
powerful exploding device known to man.

After the shooting of this episode, my
father received a thank you letter from

George Burns.

At my age, it said, Miss Piggy is
starting to look good to me.

I could never say no to a lady.

Well, you don't have to worry, then it's
only Miss Piggy.

Here he is, George Burns, on The Muppet
Show.

George Burns?

George Burns, 20 seconds to curtain, Mr.
Burns.

I'm ready.

But what is that?

It's my new act, Gonzo Fiddles While
George Burns.

I like that joke.

It's a pleasure to hear something that's
older than I am.

It's The Muppet Show.

Our special guests are Mr.

George Burns.

Isn't this opening pretentious?

It's time to get things started on the
most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, muppetational, this is
what we call the Muppet Show!

Okay, thank you, thank you, and welcome
again to another Muppet Show. Hey, we've

got a great show tonight because our
guest star is Mr. George.

Gonzo fiddles while George burns.

Have you ever thought of checking into
the home for the chronically strange?

But right now, let's start things off by
going south of the border.

We gotta get going. Where are we going?
And what are we going to do?

We're on our way to somewhere, the three
of us and you.

What do we see there? Who will be there?

Thank you.

Well, there it is, your basic Latin
number.

Well, actually, it's your basic pig
Latin number.

What's going on? Who are you?

No, the name's Fleet. Fleet Scribbler.
I'm a gossip columnist for the Daily

Scandal. Oh, listen, I'm sorry, but we
don't allow any... reporters backstage

during the show. What a headline.
Muppets, banned press, reporter thrown

fraud. On the other hand, can I offer
you a cup of coffee? What a headline.

Fraud, bribed reporter, Muppets
desperate for publicity.

This isn't going to be easy.

Say, is it true you're dropping a lot of
stuff from the show this year?

No, no, not particularly.

Muppets relying on same old tired junk.

Wait, wait, wait. On the other hand, we
have a lot of brand new innovative

stuff. Muppets changing format.

Desperate to sustain show.

I never knew the press could be so
depressing.

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, aren't you supposed
to be introducing George Burns?

Oh, yeah. Excuse me.

What a headline that would make.

What? Gonzo Fiddles while George Burns.

That joke is definitely making a
comeback.

the Muppet Show, because with us is one
of the men of comedy who can really be

called special.

Here he is with a cigar and a song, Mr.
George Byrne.

Thank you, thank you, thank you very
much, and I'm delighted to be here.

Hey, well, you know, I'm really glad you
could make it, George.

It's a real honor for me to be playing
piano for you. Thank you, Ralph. I

haven't worked with a dog for years.

You mean you've actually worked with a
dog? Oh, sure, back in Vaudeville.

Those days, dog acts were very popular.

So I picked up a dog off the street and
went to the theater to do my act.

I walked out on the stage with the dog
under my arm and stood there and sang my

songs.

In the middle of my third song, the dog
did his act.

Twice.

He bit me.

The dog bit me right in the middle of my
top note.

And to make matters worse, the theater
manager came back.

canceled me and hired the dog.

Well, I hope you won't hold that against
us dogs. Oh, no, no, no. I love dogs,

especially if they can play in my key.

Oh, listen, I can play in any key.

I'm another Yasha Heifetz.

Yasha Heifetz played the violin.

Nobody will know the difference, George.

Okay, Ralph, in my key, train back home.

I guess I'll take the train back home.

You'll have to hurt yourself.

Don't play like you're not getting paid.

Nice and easy. Right. Nice and easy it
is. Right from the top.

Right. I guess I'll take the train back
home.

There's no more sights here left for me
to see.

I've wined and dined and gazed on Bill
Affairs till mother's homemade pies look

good to me.

San Francisco is a grained old place.

When I get back, I'll never, never roam.

Tell those cable cars to wait.

And open up that golden gate.

I'm going to take the train back home to
San Francisco.

I'm going to take the train back home to
Powell and Market.

To see the Ferry Building.

To wave to Oakland.

To eat at Fisherman's Wharf.

To visit Sausalito.

To go to Finocchio.

Took me so long to finish this song.

I just miss the train back home. Isn't
that honest?

Well, that George Burns is a great
singer.

Yeah, well, so am I, Statler.

What? Sure. You want to hear me sing?
Only if you sing tenor.

Tenor? Tenor 11 miles away.

How should I know what Guantanamo means?

Hiya, chicky baby.

Watch it, buster.

I'm Fleet Scribbler from the Daily
Scandal. I'm a reporter.

And what can your chicky baby do for
you?

Well, I wanted to talk to you.

You want to interview me?

Well, not exactly.

What do you want?

Dirt.

You know, scandal, the hot skinny, what
really goes on behind the scenes.

Well, I couldn't do that.

There is such a thing as loyalty to
one's fellow performers.

Hmm, too bad.

I also wanted to do a picture spread of
you, something for page three.

Well, first of all, come look at my
eyes. Yes, just the other day.

Hey, wait a second. Hey, Scribbler,
those are all lies.

5, 4, 3, 2,

1.

reporter that's backstage. He writes a
gossip column.

That's all right, Kermit. As long as he
doesn't write the obituary column, I'm

not worried.

Yeah, but he writes for the Daily
Scandal and he'll do anything for

sensationalism. Pay no attention to him,
Burns.

He's only a frog.

All right, thanks.

Look, I'll get right down to the point,
Burns.

How much are they paying you on this
show?

Hey, now, now, wait a second, please.
Let me, let me, let me handle this,

Kermit. They're paying me $250 ,000.

Come on, is that a lie?

One of my best.

Look, Burns, for years you were nothing
but a vaudeville actor. Now you made two

films. Is it difficult to be an actor?

No, I think it's very easy to be an
actor.

If you're doing a scene where you walk
into a room and the man tells you to sit

down, if you sit down, that's good
acting.

You walk in, he tells you to sit down,
and you keep standing up, that's bad

acting.

I always sit down. I'm a good actor.

I've been around so long that I can sit
down and get paid for doing it.

I'm in the right business.

Goodbye,

kid.

Hey, you really took care of him, Mr.
Burns. Thanks, Garth. Say, how many of

those cigars do you smoke a day?

About 20 a day.

My age, I've got to hold on to
something.

Now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the
continuing story of a quack gone to the

dogs.

Next patient?

Next patient? What happened to the last
one?

He left for a better doctor.

Which doctor?

That's right.

Which doctor?

Oh, here it is, Dr. Bob.

It's a telephone.

What's the matter with it? It isn't
working.

It isn't working? Well, tell it to get a
job so it can pay me.

Maybe it's a pay phone. A pay phone!

But, Dr. Bob, do you know anything about
repairing telephones? No, but I can

look it up in the book.

The medical book?

No, the telephone book.

What do you think, Dr. Bob?

It must be jaundiced. How do you know?

Well, look at all these yellow pages.

Dr.

Bob. Dr.

Bob, do you think the telephone needs an
anesthetic?

Well, if so, make it a local.

Why? Because long distance costs too
much.

The line's busy!

Dr. Bob, Dr.

Bob, wow, are you ever going to operate?

Uh, no, but I know who will. Who?

The telephone operator.

And so, once again, Dr.

Bob is off the hook. You talking to me?
Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse

Piggy say... Does the phone remind you
of anything?

Nice old geezer with a nasty cough.

See, my mistress takes his topper off in
a very gentlemanly way.

Ma 'am, says he, I have some news to
tell. Your rich Uncle Tom

of Camberwell popped off.

Reason, cause he worked too well leaving
you his little donkey gray.

Watch, sure, all the neighbors cry.

Who you gonna meet? We'll have you off
the street. We'll laugh. I thought I

should have died. Not to be in the old
pit road.

Every evening on the stroke of five. Me
and my missus takes

a little drive.

You'd say, wonderful, they're still
alive.

If you saw that little donkey go.

I... Sue showed him that he'd have to do
just whatever he was

wanted to. Still, I shan't forget that
rowdy crew hollering, whoa, steady,

netty, whoa.

Oh, one of the Marx Brothers.

Groucho, Chico, Hoppo, and Gonzo.

No, no, no. I'm the great Gonzo. I'm in
show business, too.

Well, how did you get a name like Gonzo?

My mother gave it to me. Your mother?

Yeah, she died two years before I was
born.

Well, if she died two years before you
were born, how could she give you that

name? She left a note to your father.
She left a note to my father, yeah.

I thought so.

Coming from you, that sounds believable.

Hey, look, I hope you don't mind me
coming in here like this.

but I know you love show business, and
those stories about the early days are

really interesting.

Well, some of them are pretty dull.

How can you say that?

I haven't even told you any of my
stories yet.

Oh, yours. I thought you meant... I
remember my first act. I worked with a

kangaroo who could tell time.

A kangaroo who could tell time?

Yeah, it was a trick. He kept a pocket
watch in his pouch.

Well, if you got a pouch, that's the
place to keep it.

Yeah, but he was always wrong.

He kept his watch on Australia time.

Makes sense.

Not really. He's never been to
Australia.

Well, that makes sense, too.

Where did he come from? Sydney.

I thought you said he's never been to
Australia.

Sydney's his agent.

Oh, has he got an office in Pittsburgh?

Yeah. Used to handle me.

You know something, Alonzo? You sound a
lot like somebody I used to work with.

Really?

That's a compliment.

You know who that is?

Sure. Walter Matthau.

Yeah, that's her.

I must be getting old.

I think I enjoy talking to him.

Come here. Come here. Won't you dance
with me? Come here.

I won't dance.

Don't ask me. I won't dance.

Don't ask me. I won't dance.

Not down with you.

My heart. won't let my feet do things
they should do.

You know what? What? You're lovely.

And so what?

I'm lovely.

But oh, what you do to me.

I'm like an ocean wave that's bumped on
the shore.

I feel so absolutely stumped on the
floor.

When you dance, you're charming and
you're gentle.

But this feeling isn't purely mental.

I'm not as best as.

And that's why I won't dance.

Why should I? I won't dance. How could
I? I won't dance.

Merci beaucoup.

Joe Bravo, he's sitting in the third
row.

Bravo! Bravo!

Up here!

This is a recorded analytic program
readout.

We will start with the upper right of
the module.

You will note the longitudinally
polarized antenna.

This component...

indestructible and is guaranteed for the
life of the unit there is an alarm

system which is activated if any portion
of the machine is damaged adjacent to

the alarm is the digital iambic
generator this unit is pressurized

with large amounts of methane gas

of the intercellular power generator,
ULC, a spherical voltage oblongata.

It should be noted that this unit alone
is worth over $17 ,000.

By way of contrast, the Doppler
sublimated magneto located on the front

generator can be purchased in any
hardware store for about 37 cents.

The intercellular power structure and
generator itself is filled with a series

of mancone coils and attenuated
dichotomy in the slate. In this same

there is an intaglio -apneumismatic
drift -on wavelength which aggregates

electromagnetic contrast at the rate of
five ventricle icons to micro -stabilize

the electromagnetic console.

nothing can keep this machine from
performing its primary function, which

be the most powerful exploding device
known to man.

Disgusting! Ever seen eating like that?
Sure.

Where? Thanksgiving dinner with my in
-laws.

Hey, Kermit, do you know about the
newspaper reporter who's snooping around

here? Yeah, Fleet Scribbler. Well, he
asked me to tell him all about the

scandals and behind -the -scenes dirt.

Oh, I know. It's just awful.

It was. I didn't know where to begin.

What? I mean, I could have talked for
hours.

I don't want to hear about it. Well,
anyway, now he's talking to the Swedish

chef. Well, he can't get any information
from him.

On the other hand...

Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the
one and only Mr. George Byrne.

Oh, what do you say, George? Would you
do one more song for us? I don't think I

came over here just to do one song.

Oh, Mr.

Byrne. Oh, I've been a fan of yours
for...

years, would you sing a song just for
moi?

I could never say no to a lady.

Well, you don't have to worry, then it's
only Miss Piggy.

Call it free bait.

Where were we?

I was about to say yes to a lady.

Thank you, Mr. Burns.

Now, look, let's get the group out,
because the song I'm going to sing needs

the help I can get.

Okay, come on out, everybody. Here we
go.

Now, Rolf and Mikey.

All right. Kids, I want you all to
follow me. Yes, sir.

I could be happy, could be sad, could be
good, could be bad. It all depends on

you. All depends on you.

That's nice.

Could be humble, could be proud, could
be lonesome in a crowd. It all depends

you. All depends on you.

I could make money and spend it, go
right on living or end it. You're to

honey, for what I do.

What I do.

Could be beggar, could be king, could be
almost any old thing.

It all depends on you.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Now hold that note. I'll find another
song. You, oh, I got it. You made me

you, I didn't want to do it. Didn't want
to do it, didn't want to do it, didn't

want to do it, didn't want to do it.

You made me want you. Didn't want to do
it.

You made me want you and all the time
you knew it. All the time you knew it.

the time you knew it. All the time you
knew it. All the time you knew it.

You made me happy sometimes.

I didn't want to do it.

You made me happy sometimes. You made me
sad.

And there were times, dear, you made me
feel so glad.

So glad.

Let's do that again.

So glad.

You made me sigh before I didn't want to
tell you. I want your love, that's

true. Yes, I do. You know I do. Indeed,
I do.

Give me, give me, give me, give me what
I cry for. You know you got the kind

of kisses that I die for.

Didn't want to do it.

Yeah.

special guest star, Mr. George Burns!

Hey, Mr.

Burns, is it true that you and Miss
Piggy were seen the other night in a

discotheque?

they do it? How do we watch it?

Why do we watch it? Why do you watch it?