Original subtitles

Miss Piggy presents a Miss Piggy production.

The Miss Piggy concept.

Miss Piggy's Hollywood.

Starring Miss Piggy.

With a special report from Fozzie Bear.

And the great Gonzo.

Scandal? This is the opening to my show. Yes, and it's going very well, don't

you think?

Good evening, dear fans, and welcome to Moi's Hollywood.

Both of you hop on board this train -lovely automobile with my chauffeur,

bodyguard, and personal trainer, Lars.

Is he not cute?

Join us now as we visit such exciting Hollywood sights as the La Brea Tar

man's... Chinese Laundry, the Hollywood Airwax Museum. Excuse me.

Gonzo, let me see those cards.

What is this?

Important Hollywood site. You're lucky to have an associate producer with such

refined taste.

Of course, the only reason Gonzo is working on moi's show is that he was

to fly to L .A. as baggage.

Actually, I prefer to fly as baggage.

Yeah, right.

Now let us take a driving tour of the stars' hometown, Hollywood.

Step on it, cuddles.

Wow, what a great opening.

Yes, this is Hollywood, where the dreams you dare to dream really do

come true.

Here we stars live as one big, happy, fabulous family.

Isn't this cool? This is so cool! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

Can you see anybody?

Gonzo, I thought you were going to call ahead.

I was, but you said we could just drop in. You know, the family of the stars

thing.

Um, it seems we have a slight technical problem. Come along, Gonzo. Who lives

here anyway? I don't know.

I came all this way for nothing.

Kind of reminds me of the Oscars.

The place to find members of the Hollywood family, of course, when they

at home, is here in front of the famous Chinese Theater, here on Hollywood's

Walk of Fame.

We stars enjoy visiting this charming little acknowledgement of our

Here is Carol Wambaugh and Bill Cosby, the dear Bette

Midler, and here, of course, is moi.

Whoa, this is great, Miss Piggy. Your star is portable.

I bet none of the other stars are portable.

Well, I guess Bette Midler must be really jealous, huh?

Next, we have... I mean, old Bette's got a truck all the way down here to see

hers, but you can take yours anywhere.

Next on Miss Piggy's Hollywood, we have a special report from our correspondent,

Fuzzy Bear, standing by at Hollywood's famous nightclub, the Comedy Store.

Will, put that down!

Oh, oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm not at the Comedy Store yet. As you can see, I've

just arrived on the coast.

Boy, am I hungry. I think I'll have some of the sandwiches here. Get it? The

sand, which is right here.

Ah!

Back to the pig.

What shall we do while we wait for that report?

Well, the perfect thing to do any time is shop.

And the perfect place to shop is...

This will do, hug bunny.

Just find a parking meter.

There's some time on it already.

Thank you.

Oh, yes. Every time is like the first time.

Oh, I love it. Oh, miss, miss. Yo, yo, miss.

May I help you? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I wish to purchase this dress. How much is it?

$23 ,000, madam.

$23 ,000.

Gosh, and I wanted it in blue, too. You don't have blue. Well, we have blue. If

you'll just step over. Actually, you know, I was looking for more of a petite

size. We have all sizes, madam. You know, actually, do you have it in

No, madam. I'm so sorry.

Madam, this is the gentleman's dressing area. Do you mind? We're doing

television here.

My first guest this evening is the charming Mr.

George Wendt.

Now, tell our viewers, Georgie, what it's like being a famous Hollywood star.

Well, I hardly think of myself as a star. Why don't you tell us about the

Hollywood parties that you and I have hobnobbed at together?

Gee, I'm not much of a hobnobber, Miss Piggy. Oh, you must remember the...

Stevens. Spielberg. Oh, I wish.

Where we ran into Liz.

Liz. Taylor.

Yeah, she was talking to Jack.

Lemon. Nicholson.

He introduced us to Weiser.

Minnelli. Of course. All right.

Eliza was with Sly.

Stallone. And Richard?

Widmark.

Pryor. Nixon. Help me out, Miss Piggy. Oh, George, you are such a kidder.

Now, just one more question. Please, if you don't mind, this Taylor is a very

busy man.

Isn't he?

Miss Piggy, I really don't... What are you doing in here? Oh, sorry.

Wow, cool shorts.

George,

just a few more questions, please. I'm changing. Do you mind?

Not at all. Go right ahead.

Tell us, how much money do you make, George? Tell us about your co -stars.

Have those backstage feuds really died down?

How about Ted Danson? What is he really like? Is he single?

comedy store, but I am doggedly determined to get there. Oh, I really

these jokes.

Well,

while we are waiting for that report, Moore has arranged a rare, exclusive,

behind -the -scenes glimpse of Hollywood Backlotten Studios.

Oh, here are some tickets.

We don't need tickets. Oh, that's right. We had our hands stamped.

Welcome to Universal Studios.

I'm here to see.

Aren't special effects cool?

All of these technical things are just a background for a star.

Piggy, I'm telling you, this is really spectacular.

Look at all this stuff crashing down.

It's fantastic, stupendous, unbelievable.

You are missing the point. I am?

You know, Gonzo, effects are nothing without a star.

Oh, that is wonderful, Piggy.

It's Cher.

Sorry. Whose career as a singer has blossomed into an Oscar -winning

performance... You know, it could be Laffy.

And whose lovable canine antics have delighted millions.

Let us see if he, she, or it is home, shall we?

Hello?

Who is that?

It is Miss Pink.

Real nice person.

Very down -to -earth, don't you think?

Well, I'm not at the Comedy Store just yet, but I am on Sunset Strip.

Well, actually, I'm at the Sunset Strip Cleaners. Hey, as long as I'm here,

maybe I'd better clean up my act.

Yes,

well, while we wait for that report...

Miss Piggy? Hey. How are you?

Oh, Justine, what a pleasure it is to have this chance to chat with you.

Oh, I would love to chat with you, Miss Piggy, but I'm waiting to be interviewed

by Barbara Walters.

You're waiting for Barbara who?

Excusez -moi.

What? That's us.

What's us? Well, when I gave your name, her agent wouldn't come to the phone. I

improvised the Barbara Walters stuff.

Pretty clever, huh?

Lovely woman, isn't she? And if she were here, I'm certain she'd want to begin

by asking you... You mean Barbara Walters isn't coming?

No.

But I'm certain that she, along with all of our viewers who are watching right

now, Justine, yes, I'm sure they would all like to know more about you. Now

us, what is your greatest challenge as a star?

Challenge? Yes, you know, hair care, paparazzi, getting the right dressing

and I think my greatest challenge is a difficult acting task.

Say what?

Acting. Oh, yeah, yeah, right, acting, yeah.

For instance, if I were to play someone who had been betrayed... Oh, yeah, how

would you do that? Well, I would try to understand what goes on in the

character's mind.

Oh, yeah, show me how, show me.

Well, what has this character gone through? I mean, has she been misled?

yes.

Was she drawn somewhere?

thinking that she was going to be with a particular person, only to find there's

another person there instead.

Oh.

Perhaps this character had previous personal engagements which she put aside

only to find she was victim of a cruel hoax. And perhaps promises were broken.

And perhaps she's been pushed too far.

Wow, great stunt, Miss Piggy.

I guess the interview's over, huh? Yeah.

Coming up next on Miss Piggy's Hollywood, the fabulously funny Fozzie

reporting live from the Comedy Store nightclub.

Barbara Walters, how about that?

Hi -ya, this is Fozzie Bear from Miss Piggy's Hollywood. And

finally, aha, I am here at the world's famous Comedy Store, where dozens of

famous comedians have gotten their starts. Comedians like Robin Williams

David Letterman, and now Fozzie Bear.

That's right. It is audition day at the Comedy Store.

Okay, so the duck says, if I had a match, I'd have offered you a light.

Next. Thank you.

Number 23, Bear, Fozzie. Let's move it, please.

Oh, that's me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Ha ha ha, waka waka. He goes, ah, ha ha ha.

Boy, it's great to be in Hollywood, but my hotel room is so small, when I bring

in my welcome mat, I have wall -to -wall carpeting.

Yeah, ah, boy, it's a rough town, too. I was walking down Sunset Boulevard, and

I saw two peanuts.

One was assaulted.

You get it?

Oh, no, that comedian's a bear.

Worse than that, he's barely a comedian.

Oh, it's you guys again.

Why do you always torment me?

We were about to ask you the same question.

Well, it won't work. I've got a new gimmick, and I'm going to be hot as a

pistol. Hot as a pistol?

Well, he does have the right to bear arms.

I'd say he has the right to bear legs, too.

Oh, come on, you guys. Just listen to my gimmick.

Please. A gimmick? What is it? A laugh track. And here it is.

Thank you. My hotel room is so small, I brought my welcome mat in, and now I've

got wall -to -wall comforting.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hey, hey, hey. It's a rough town, too, you

know. When I was walking down Sunset Boulevard, I saw two peanuts. One was

assaulted.

Thank you. But tell me, why... Why did the potato go to the ribiera?

Because he wanted to be a french fry.

Can you give up?

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You've been a wonderful machine.

Thank you, thank you. Now back to Miss Peggy.

I can't do this. No, it'll be all right. I won't. Give it a shot. We're rolling.

Why? All right, all right.

That's Dudley Moore.

You sure it's not Barbara Walters?

Let us knock, shall we?

And a dear, dear, sweet, personal friend of mine, Roger Moore, will come right

out here and talk to you, my oddy.

Stop! That's it.

Stop. I've had it. I can't do it anymore.

I'm an honest woman. I cannot lie to my public anymore.

Look, I promised to show you my celebrity friends, and you've seen

happened.

Miss Piggy.

What?

Miss Piggy, it is you.

Dudley! Dudley Moore!

Oh, what a delight to see you! Miss Piggy, at my house, I... Where are my

manners? Please come in. Oh, thank you!

Wow,

don't you guys think this is so cool?

Miss Piggy, I can't believe you're here. This is like a dream come true. I mean,

you don't know how often I've imagined hope.

You'd be in here with me.

Well, this is my home. Do you like it?

Well, yes.

It's very nice. It's very tasteful.

Then you like the decor?

How long did it take you to collect these?

Well, I picked some of them up in places, and some of them I had

Of course, the Mona Piggy up there, and the phone, of course, and that wonderful

shot of you with the...

With the braids, which is a special favorite of mine.

I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

It's enough just to look at you.

Look at me? I must look a fright. Dudley, do excuse me. I want to freshen

Oh, God.

This isn't happening. This probably is the most exciting moment of my

entire life. I hope I haven't kept you too long.

Oh, of course not. You look absolutely... Rosie?

Yes.

Miss Piggy.

Piggy, can I call you Piggy?

Of course.

And you can call me... Dudley.

Oh, all right.

Say it.

Say... Oh, Dudley.

Say it again.

Dudley?

Dudley?

Dudley, are you all right? Is there anything I can do?

Piggy, darling, I... Darling, can I call you darling?

Sure. There is one thing, something I... I've always wanted to share with you,

something that I think could be very... very beautiful for both of us. Dudley,

we're on television.

That'll make it even better, don't you think?

Dudley! Dear, what do you have in... What do you have in mind?

Sing with me.

Sing! Oh, I knew that.

It's very clear Our love is here to stay

Not for...

the day the radio and the telephone and the

movies that we know may just be nothing fancy and in

time may go but oh my dear oh my dear our

love is here to stay together

In time, the rock is made crumble.

Excuse me, do you mind?

Oh, wow!

I'm being kicked out by Dudley Moore!

This is so cool!