Original subtitles

Wakey, wakey, Malcolm.

Come on, sleepyhead.

Oh, you're asking more. I could come in in five hours' time. We've got to get

the room ship -saved for her.

Malcolm, I'm not playing that game today.

I've no time.

What's that doing there again?

Shall we go on the coach now, won't you, ma 'am?

Well, it's a long way from Dumfries.

Remember when we went up there and saw that man in the kilt? Oh, he was a true

Scot. Playing bagpipes outside Marks and Spencer's, wasn't he? They're

beautiful, the Scots, aren't they?

Do you remember those identical twin thingies, Scot?

Oh, yeah.

When you go, will you send me a letter from America?

When you go... Stop it, Malcolm.

Remember my identical twin, ma 'am? Oh, yes, that imaginary one.

He was naughty, wasn't he, ma 'am? Yeah, had to give his imaginary legs a good

few slaps.

Now, will you be all right on that couch for a few nights?

Oh, yeah.

None of your shenanigans putting your Pocahontas video on when we're asleep,

Tricky Dicky.

You can take that Chris Evans poster down. I don't think she wants that

mink to go off in her too while she's trying to sleep.

Right.

Ooh, there's still a bit of a pong of feet in here.

Luckily, she's got her finances right.

Come on, chop -chop.

Where'd you go?

Will you send me a letter from America?

Well, she's getting the 9 .30 coach and it's a five -hour journey, so what time

do you reckon she'll get here, Malcolm?

I haven't got a clue.

We did contemplate going to meet her because she'll have quite a few heavy

but we decided against it. What happened to that idea, Malcolm?

You said it was too chilly, Mum.

Oh, yes.

All right.

I don't know, eh?

I haven't seen Morag since... When did I see her last?

You've never met her, Arthur.

Oh, you're thinking of Mr Merton, Sister Jean.

Jean? Oh, I don't know, eh?

Have I met her?

Yes. Remember, she's got an oversized head.

Oh, yes.

Malcolm, don't breathe too much near that glue.

How's your boil, Malcolm?

Oh, it's... It came to a head and burst halfway through Hollyoaks.

Hollyoaks? Oh, I don't know, eh?

Oh, you'll like Moorag, Arthur.

Oh, she's lovable, she's full of fun, she's kind to a fault. She's exactly

me.

Now, she's here for five days, so we were thinking of bringing her up your

allotment tomorrow and Wednesday and maybe Friday morning.

Oh, I'm going to see Peggy Gosworth tomorrow.

She's got some of those new dimmer switches fitted.

Dimmer?

That'll be her Gordon's influence.

She won't know what dimmer switches are, Peggy.

What are they, Arthur?

I don't know.

I'm going seeing tomorrow.

You and Morag want to come?

Oh, yes.

Oh, that would be lovely.

Can I come, ma 'am? Yes, of course you can, Malcolm.

I'll ring your boss in the morning and wangle you the day off.

Tremendous!

Would you like a lemon finger, Arthur?

I've not invested in buying biscuits this week.

Morag always brings a tin of shortbread.

Do you like shortbread, Arthur?

No. Do you, Malcolm?

No. Neither do I.

They do last, though.

I like these lemon fingers.

Oh, so do I.

Do you like lemon fingers, Malcolm?

Yeah. I wish you'd bring lemon fingers.

So do I.

So do I. So do I.

Mum, do you think Auntie Morag would like to go and see that new Thornton's

chocolate shop in the precinct?

Good thinking, Malcolm.

Oh, she's in for a right treat, this visit.

Oh, we are lucky when you think really, Arthur.

There's not much to see and do in Heaton, are we? I must confess, we were

stiff in Scotland.

There's only locks, a couple of mountains and a load of shortbread.

I don't like shortbread.

Neither do I.

Oh, neither do I.

Neither do I.

It's OK if I pop up to see Mr Merton.

I brought him a quarter of a pair of drops.

Oh, you are good, Arthur.

We've still got three of those minty imperials you bought him last week left.

Two, ma 'am.

Malcolm. Oh, you're a caution.

Mind you, you've probably done him a favour. They were wearing him out, those

minty imperials.

Oh, he did look drawn, sucking on them, Arthur.

How's his breathing today?

Well, he's... Still gasping. If you remember when you pop up, can you put

oxygen machine on for him? I was supposed to do it two hours ago, but

coming, I've not had time to think.

So are you popping up, Arthur?

Yes.

As if you want to show.

Just let me know and I'll sing in your ear again.

Now the drugs don't work, they just make you worse, but I know I'll see

your face again.

What do you think?

Yeah.

Is it better?

Yeah. You don't know what I've done, do you?

No, Mum.

Well, the little doggie was there. I put the little doggie there. The vase was

there, now the vase is there.

Yeah. Yeah?

Do you want to see it the other way with the little doggie there?

And the vase there?

Yes. Yeah.

Is that better?

Yeah. Are you sure?

I don't know.

Oh, you've no interest in my ornaments, you.

Pop upstairs and put that jumper on Auntie Mora. I bought you before she

here. Right.

Now... And turn your dad over for me,

Pet.

Never get here.

Where's wee Malcolm?

Oh, Malcolm.

Oh, Malcolm.

Oh, auntie. Oh, come and give your auntie Monica a great big kiss.

Oh, your cheeky little face never changes.

How you've grown since Christmas.

Oh, Maura, you're looking well.

No, I'm not, Dorothy. You're looking well. Me? No, I'm not. You're looking

No, you're looking really well.

Oh, it makes mine look like a shed.

Have over. Your home's like a palace.

No, it's not.

Your home's like a palace.

Mine's like a shed compared to your palace. I'll take your coat, Auntie

Oh, that's a lovely coat.

Oh, your dress is lovely.

Your cardigan's lovely.

Oh, your slippers are lovely.

Oh, Morag, come and sit down.

Come on.

Oh, it's lovely to have you here.

Oh, you've got a great house. A great... and you're looking so well. You're so

lucky. Yes.

How's Mr. Martin?

Not so lucky.

Would you like me to climb the stairs and see him? Oh, no.

You're here all week. What's the rush?

He's not going to go anywhere.

Oh. How's it getting on with the oxygen machine?

Well, I'm being as economical with it as I can, but it's a dear do -breathing

apparatus. Sometimes I'm sorry I bothered getting it.

Anyway, how was your journey?

Oh, these coach companies, I want to sort myself out. There were four toilet

stops, but I only needed to go two times.

Oh, they do mess you about.

Oh, wee Malcolm.

When are you going to come up and visit your favourite auntie?

We can't get time off work.

I can?

No, you can't, Malcolm.

Anyway, enough chit -chat.

Who's died round your way, Morag?

Well... Ted, in front of a one -bar fast...

Oh, 76 you are.

That's terrible.

Do you know what? This place looks really different since I was here last

Christmas. Really?

Did that wee doggy not used to be there and the little wee vase not used to be

there? Yes, what I've done is I've put the little doggy where the little vase

used to be and I've put the little vase where the little doggy used to be.

Do you like it?

It really looks so much better.

Here's your tea, lovely ladies.

Oh, that is what I found to Malcolm.

Always becoming a right hodling, Morag. Thank you.

Thank you, Morag. Oh,

yeah, good to bring that big tin of shortbread, Morag. What a lovely

I hate the stuff myself.

Thanks for my absolutely belting slippers, Auntie Morag. Are they OK?

Tremendous.

Hey, have you heard anything about that monster in Loch Ness?

Are you talking about the Loch Ness monster?

Yeah.

Aye. There was a man from Inverness called Hamish McPhee, and one summer

really late, he was out walking his Scotty dog along the side of the loch.

Ness? Aye.

Oh, the moon was high in the sky and there was a mist rolling over the glen.

lone viper could be heard playing in the distance.

All of a sudden, a huge grey head with huge grey teeth

braced itself out of the loch. The loch this monster?

Nay.

Oh, we never heard about that on the news.

Well, you won't again. I just made it up for Malcolm.

Blimey, Charlie, you're getting me with that one every year.

Anyway, how's Scotland doing politically -wise now, Maura?

Fair, Mr Midland.

Are you having a millennium in Scotland, do you know?

I think so.

Is it going to be at the same time as it is down here?

They never tell the residents.

We'll be the last ones to know.

Malcolm's organising a street conga.

How many people have we got now, Malcolm?

Three, ma 'am.

It's me, you and Arthur, isn't it?

Yeah. Oh, it involves a lot of organisational skills.

Have you heard back from Mr Malick yet?

Yeah, he's got to ask Mrs Malick.

Oh. What are you going to be doing, Morag?

Well, I suppose I'll stop up and see a tin I've never seen in a millennium

before. But I expect I'll be on my own, as ever.

Oh, why don't we invite you down here?

Is there going to be room on the conga, Malcolm?

Don't know yet, ma 'am. I'm no nearer the time.

I hate to think of you on your own.

Isn't it funny? Out of the two of us, I'm the only one who's ever married.

I mean, Mr Merton is neither used nor ornament now, but at least I know he's

there for me, albeit upstairs motionless.

I've often thought I'd like a bit of romance in my life.

Yes, I am blessed.

Malcolm, pop up and dab a bit of TCP on your dad's bed sores for me. Right, Mum.

It's a full -time job, this romance, Morag.

How's the water? Is it soft in your corns at all?

No.

Has she finished unpacking?

Yeah, she's just having a five -minute nap before tea.

It's funny, ma 'am, how in Scotland, wee means small.

But in England... That's enough, Malcolm.

Stop lolloping. You can put those shortbread back in the tin. We'll give

someone else for Christmas.

Poor Maura.

She's never had much luck with men.

No. Remember that fishmongering Kilmarnock man that left her? Aw.

She was heartbroken when she got his letter.

Mind you, he had thoughtfully enclosed a couple of crab sticks to lessen the

blow.

I love Auntie Morag, me mum. Oh, she's a beautiful woman.

Sad little on the inside.

No doubt about it. God bless me with the good looks and Morag with a foot full

of corn.

Oh, Malcolm, did you manage to catch a glimpse of that callus on her big toe?

Do you know what she needs?

A romantic fling with an eligible bachelor.

Someone with charm and sophistication.

Oh, Malcolm, I've had an idea.

I don't know, eh?

Well, it's been a long time since I was invited round to anyone for dinner.

I was in two minds whether to defrost the chop this morning.

Luckily... I lined up a fray bentus pie.

That's why I keep them.

Because if you have to dash off at the last moment prior to cooking, there's no

harm done.

That's what I like about you, Arthur.

You always think ahead.

That's my army training.

I have many a tin pie in the army.

What was it like during the war, Mr Capstick?

Now, if I remember correctly, we were fighting the Germans.

And I believe they had tin frankfurters, which is a type of sausage.

Arthur's always regaling Malcolm with tales of his military background.

Are you a fan of tin pies, Moorag? I really don't mind tin pie.

Oh, haven't you two got a lot in common?

Oh, I love it when my dinner guests get on.

This is absolutely wonderful.

What exactly is it?

It's melon, Arthur.

Don't like melon.

Put a bit of port in it.

I like the port.

I think I'm a bit drunk.

Stop it, Malcolm.

You really must give me the recipe for melon, Dorothy.

Yes, I'll write it down for you.

Oh, hang on, what's that?

Oh, it's OK. It's only Mr Merton trying to change it up to the cylinder.

Can I go up?

No, stay put.

You'll have to learn we can't always be at his beck and call.

Oh, Arthur the Saint, you know, Morag.

Not a week goes by where he doesn't come round with something for Mr Merton to

suck on.

Arthur's been widowed 22 years now.

Oh,

are you still single, Morag? Aye.

He treated his wife, Betty, like a princess when she was still alive.

I'll never forget the day I buried her.

More blue none, Arthur?

Oh, blue none, yes.

What was I saying?

We were talking about how you're widowed and how Morag's still single.

I've put you in the Millennium Conger, Mr Capstick. That's confirmed.

Are we having a conga? Yes, you've already agreed to come, Arthur.

It's me, then Malcolm, then Morag, then you. That is subject to change, though.

I'll know nearer the time.

When's that?

The millennium, Arthur.

Somebody told me that was falling on New Year's Eve. Yes.

Well, that's bad planning.

We'll all be busy celebrating New Year.

Good point, Arthur.

Right, are we all finished?

Yeah. Right, come on, Malcolm. Help me take the plate.

Conger? I don't know, eh?

Malcolm, give it a bit of shush.

You're doing all the talking.

Hogging the conversation.

Sorry, ma 'am. We need to let the romance flourish.

Eh? That was a stroker look, wasn't it? Them both liking frail bentos pies.

Oh, yeah.

Try and get the conversation back to that.

I'll go and have a look and see how they're getting on.

Well, Cam, come away from there.

How's it going?

He's showing her that photo of his dead wife.

Oh, it's one step forward and one step back.

He's not crying again, is he? No.

Right, come on, let's get in there quick.

It's OK, he's put the photo back now.

He's more like talking.

No, it's still Mr Capstick.

Come on, all these plates are falling.

Now, both more ag up.

Let him see the woman in her.

Right. And get your thumb out of Arthur's mash.

She just turns the switch, apparently, and the light goes brighter and darker.

Not as you might think, on and off.

Thank you, Malcolm.

Now... Well, you two seem to be getting on like a house on fire.

Oh, it looks gorgeous.

Well... This is very nice, isn't it?

All of it, here, together.

What do you think, Malcolm?

I like your feminine blows, Auntie Morag.

Oh, thanks, Malcolm.

What do you think, Arthur?

Outstanding. Lovely bit of breast.

I do like chicken.

Are they my brussels?

Oh, yeah.

What do you think, Morag?

You'll get your first glimpse of Arthur's allotment tomorrow.

Are you excited?

OK. Nothing like better than the sight of a row of healthy, ungrown vegetables.

Oh, Arthur's the Alan Titchmarsh of eating, Harry.

Aren't you, Arthur? Oh, yes.

Do I know him?

Yes. You've seen him on TV loads of times.

Remember, he didn't agree with his treatment at Darius.

The match of a foon.

Any thoughts from you, Maura, Alan Titchmarsh -wise?

I don't think he's allowed on Scottish TV.

Oh, it sounds lovely up there.

Have you ever been to Scotland, Arthur?

Were they on our side during the war?

I've heard that in Scotland there's only locks, a couple of mountains and a load

of shortbread.

Malcolm, have you got any conversation you want to talk about?

How much are them Ferbentos pies, Mr Capstick?

Well, I haven't a clue.

Any ideas, Morag?

Oh, no.

Malcolm? No.

We give in, Arthur. What is it?

It's the First World War.

That's not a film, a book or a play.

No.

You've never played charades before, Arthur, have you?

No.

Well, you have to act out the title of a film, a book or a play, and then we

guess. Right.

Do you want to have another go at it, Arthur?

Yeah.

Is it a film, a book or a play?

Yeah.

How many words?

There's no words. I'm miming.

Is it Sallow Grave?

No.

The Great Escape?

No.

Oh, we're giving, Arthur. What is it?

It's me digging my lot.

Sit down, Arthur.

Now, can you have a go?

Film.

And a song.

Er... Forrest Gump!

No, I've not started yet, ma 'am.

One, two, three, four, five, six words.

Six words.

Third word. Third word.

One flew over the cuckoo's nest. No.

The elephant man.

No.

Is it me?

No.

Man.

Oh, very good, Marag.

Seven's are good at this game, isn't she, Arthur?

Yeah. Fourth word.

Fourth word.

That's me again, isn't it? I've got a bad ticker. No.

Arthur, this has nothing to do with you. It's not you.

Is it my jumper?

No. I know.

Oh, Mark, I hate it when he does this.

Banned him from doing it in his box room to himself.

I know, I know.

John Inman.

No.

I'm doing loves.

Where am I?

When a man loves a... Sixth word. Sixth word.

Spinster. No.

The nun story.

No.

Hunchback of Notre Dame.

It's more ag, isn't it? No.

We're giving.

What is it?

Woman. I'm doing When a Man Loves a Woman.

Oh, I love that film.

Well done me, Malcolm.

Oh, it's brought it all back.

Oh, Malcolm, do another one, but make it easier. And don't do that thing where

you're kissing with yourself.

Film.

Four words.

Four words.

It's one of my cabbages.

to be the Brussels.

They have the same effect on me.

Malcolm, don't be so filthy.

I'm doing on with the wind.

Oh, very good, Malcolm.

Yeah,

very good.

Oh, Malcolm, I am sorry. I thought you were tramping willy -nilly.

I did do a little one, though, Mum.

Get up and sit on the toilet.

Well, I think it all went very well.

Such a charmer old Arthur, isn't he?

Do you not think he's a wee bit forgetful?

Arthur? No.

Well, maybe a little.

Oh, that was a lovely wee photo of his wife on the back of that tandem.

He's never ridden that tandem since.

And I think he's waiting for the right partner.

Well, I must say, Dorothy, you cook a lovely chicken.

Oh, no.

You cook a lovely chicken.

My chicken's like a dog's dinner compared to your chicken. Oh, no, my

like dog's doings compared to your chicken. Oh, no, your chicken tastes

turkey, with all the trimmings compared to my chicken. Well, you make a great

apple pie.

Oh! Actually, yes, it is. You're right, then, I do make a great apple pie. I'm

blessed. They were Arthur's families as well.

Now, look, you leave that drying up.

And you get in there and you have a scintillating conversation with Arthur.

Dorothy, are you trying to push me and Arthur together?

Yes. Me and Arthur.

Arthur and me.

Well, why not?

Yes, you're right. I've been too long the bridesmaid and never the bride. And

you'll not find better than Arthur.

Oh, he's a knight in shining armour. Oh, he's going to be my knight tonight.

You can't hurry, love.

Never mind.

Cocoa and a lemon puff, Morag.

Oh, I do hope Malcolm will be all right on that couch.

He's getting too big now to sleep with his auntie, Morag.

She was all squashed last year.

Oh, I forgot your breathing apparatus again. Never mind. I'll do it first

in the morning, after I've been to the allotment.

Good night, Mr Merton.