Original subtitles

To be on the same page.

Yes.

Well, he's hot, then he's cold, and sometimes he's neither one thing nor the

other.

Oh, yes, he does look bilious, and he's completely lost his sunny disposition.

I don't know.

Hold on, I'll ask.

Are you nauseous, Malcolm?

Yes. Yes.

Oh.

What's your stools like?

I forgot to look.

Malcolm, you know that's rule number one.

You forgot to look.

OK.

All right.

Thank you. Bye -bye.

Well, you're empty more. I don't know what it is.

Oh, Malcolm, you're a medical mystery.

Why won't you let me call the doctor, son?

I don't like bothering him, Mum.

There's people worse off than me. Oh, that's you all over.

Always thinking of others.

Now, pop your tongue out for me.

Oh, that doesn't look quite right.

Pop it back in again for now.

Are you well enough for Richard and Judy?

I don't think so.

Oh, it's worse than I thought.

I wonder if it's not something you ate.

What did you have yesterday? Let me see.

Bored egg and toasted soldiers for breakfast. Cheese and piccoli sandwich

penguin for lunch.

Then cod balls and mash for your tea with arctic roll for afters. All

fair. Nothing that could upset you there.

Did Mr Perkins give you anything at work?

Two arrowroot biscuits with my tea.

Oh, why he can't stretch the boar bones, I'll never know.

He's always been a skintling, told Geoffrey Perkins.

Oh, Malcolm, you always were such a hippie child.

I know what your problem is. You've been going out without your balaclava,

trying to show off.

Oh, you're a magnet to bacteria. Always have been.

Have you had any untoward rashes down below?

No.

Well, it's nothing in the Gs.

I'll try the Hs.

Have you had any tingling in your fallopian tubes?

Yeah, I think I have, yeah.

Oh, have you?

Oh, no. No, that's just for ladies.

In fact, I think I've got that.

Oh, no, no, I've had that out. That's long gone.

There's so many illnesses to choose from.

Why they bother inventing new ones, I'll never know.

Oh, your father's had that.

And that.

Isn't that? Do you know, I think your father's had all this chapter.

Oh, yes, he's put a little tick at the end.

Is that the boy with the picture of the leaf? Malcolm?

Oh, I thought you were ill.

Oh, it's a case history in here of a man with bulbous scrotumuli who's, mm,

swelled up to the side of his own head.

See a picture of a leaf?

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, it looks like he's got a football in his lap.

Let him have a look.

No.

Oh, pity the poor nurse who has to lance that.

What do you think it is?

Is it Malcolm?

Of course it's Malcolm.

What do you think his helmet is?

Oh, helmet.

I don't know, eh?

It's gallivanting, that's what it is.

Trying to compete with Chris Evans.

Oh, he idolises that ginger prince.

Do you want a cup of tea, Arthur?

Oh, I'd love one.

Are you not too good, Malcolm?

No, Mr Capstick.

No.

I'm lucky with my health.

Everything in my body is 100 % fully functional.

Farmy heart.

Oh, here we are.

Lovely.

Oh,

little wet your old whistle, Arthur. Oh, thank you. I'm spitting feathers. Oh,

I've been run ragged this morning, what with my Malcolm's malady.

There you go.

Lovely. Grand.

Did you hear about Betty Spooner? Passed away Wednesday.

Betty Spooner?

I was only talking to her last week in Carpet World.

She was browsing through the linoleum samples as alive as you, Arthur.

Found her in the morning, dead.

In front of a one -bar fire.

Dead in front of a one -bar fire.

Oh, I hope it wasn't Tom wasting away.

Oh, Betty.

She'd only just had a perm and they're not cheap.

No, they're not.

Mind you, it's a lovely way to go, that, with a head full of curls.

They won't have much to do at the morgue, that's one blessing.

Do you know who found her?

Mrs Ashcroft, from next door.

Only called in for catalogue money.

Ended up with death on her hands.

Poor woman.

Oh, I'd hate to find Becky Spooner dead in front of a one -bar fire.

Ah, well.

Happened to us all one day.

Do you like a big biscuit, Arthur?

A big biscuit? I don't know, eh?

Only 76, it was.

Who was?

Betty Spooner.

She's dead, you know.

I know, Arthur, you just said.

Yes, I did. Spot on.

Doesn't do to dwell on death, though, does it?

No.

Oh, that reminds me.

How's Mr Merton?

Oh, he's got a lesion under his arm, says it's chafing him, something rotten.

I've had to put mittens on him.

You won't leave it alone.

When you pop up, will you rub a bit of saffron on it for him? It's on his

medicine trolley.

These are lovely biscuits.

Where did you get them?

From the co -op in Chestergate.

Do you know something, Arthur? The youth these days, they don't want to know

figs unless they're covered in chocolate.

I had a kit -kat the other day that was the same.

So, what's this to do with the old Malcolm?

Is he not in work today, then?

No, that's him, there.

Oh, let me tell you, Arthur. You know Mr Perkins from the pet shop?

Yes. Only ever has arrowroot.

Who's in out on the fig front?

Oh, poor Malcolm.

I'm worried sick about him, you know.

And he won't let me call the doctor.

He's got that from me, you know, that selflessness. I'm exactly the same.

Always thinking of others.

Right.

I'll nip up to see Mr Merton then.

I brought him two ounces of glazium each. Oh, yeah, good Arthur.

That'll perk him up a bit.

It's only you that bothers, you know. Ah, well.

Don't forget that saffron, will you?

Do you know, that's put him next up in his room. He hates them over the road,

pointing at him, laughing.

So, have you got a paper? I'll read him his stuff.

Oh, yes.

He used to be a pie, but I don't think he minds what you read him now.

It's all a bit pointless.

Oh, tell him about Betty Spooner dying.

That'll cheer him up a bit.

So, er, why are you popping up then, Arthur?

Where? To see Mr. Merton.

Oh, right.

waiting in the sky.

He'd like to come and meet us, but he thinks it'd blow our mind.

There's a star man waiting in the sky. He told us not to blow

it, because he knows it's all worthwhile.

He told us, let the children boogie, let the children boogie, let

all the children boogie.

Right, come on, Malcolm.

Let's pour some soup down you.

It's chicken.

Oh, thanks, Mum.

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken.

Oh, Malcolm, it's breaking my heart seeing you like this.

You've no energy, have you?

Come on, I'll help you with it.

Here's the plane coming into land.

Open the hangar.

Good boy.

Nice, isn't it?

Pass the tea round the gums. Look out, Sammy. Here it comes.

Oh, Dickie Dribble.

Now, I've got you some mashed bananas for afters.

Oh!

Now, try and drink a bit of this milk for me, poppet.

All right.

Hello, Mrs Malcolm.

Malcolm, it's Mr Malick from the chemist.

Thank you for rushing round.

I can't stay long because Judith can't do prescriptions. She can only do over

-the -counter medicines.

Oh.

Hello, Malcolm.

Hello, Mr Malick.

Oh, he doesn't sound well. Not the bonnie bouncy ball of fun we know as

Temperature seems fine.

How do you feel, Malcolm?

Poorly.

Well, it's got me baffled.

What are his stools like?

Oh, don't ask.

It's a sore point.

He forgot to look.

Mind you, to be fair to him, when you don't feel well, it's the last thing you

want to be looking at, isn't it? I can understand that, Mrs Merton, but

sometimes it's better to make the effort.

Oh, did you hear about Betty Spooner?

Dead in front of a one -bar fire.

Oh, my goodness.

They're dropping like flies.

Old Mr. Bagshaw popped his clogs on Tuesday.

Oh, Mr.

Bagshaw. Watching Countdown and his heart stopped beating.

The last thing he must have seen was Richard Whiteley. Oh, what a lovely way

go. And what a tribute to Richard.

Oh, how old was he?

Seventy -eight. Oh, his whole life ahead of him.

What a senseless waste of human life. Oh, yes.

Will you be stopping for a cup of tea, Mr Malik?

No, thanks. I have to get back.

So, what's your professional opinion?

Well, you see, it's very tricky. It always is when someone is poorly.

Having examined the patient thoroughly, I would say, best to call a doctor.

Yes.

Because, you see, they are, what's the word?

Qualified.

Especially in light of the recent deaths of Mr Bagshaw and Mrs Spooner.

Oh, sound advice, Mr Malick, as usual.

Whilst I'm here, would you like me to pop up and see Mr Merton?

Oh, no, it's not worth the wear and tear on his shoes.

Anyway, Arthur's up there rubbing something into his lesion.

Do you know, he's great, old Arthur. There's not a crevice he won't rub

something into.

I'd do it myself, only it turns my stomach.

Well, I'll press on regardless.

I don't like to leave my assistant Judith Botts on her own too long. She

very embarrassed serving the more intimate items.

Oh, you're a very sensitive man, Mr Malick.

Malcolm, say thank you to Mr Malick for diagnosing you.

Thank you, Mr Malick.

Come on, I'll see you out.

Now, I know what will cheer you up. I'll put your liking video on fire.

Now...

Poor Countess.

What's about his self -assertion video?

No, I'm not in the mood.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, Arthur.

So, how was Mr Merton?

Well, he didn't like that lesion being squeezed.

Oh, you're not supposed to squeeze it, Arthur.

I know that now, don't I?

Topping up your tea, Arthur. It's lovely.

Grand.

I was telling Mr Merton about Peggy Gosworth. Her son Gordon's got a new TV.

It's got C -Fax.

C -Fax!

You press a couple of buttons and a whole load of writing comes up on the

Wouldn't suit me.

I couldn't last out a full hour of writing.

No.

I like something with a bit more plot to it.

Like a good Ruth Wendell. I tend to agree with you, Arthur.

Mind you, between me and you, the nearer we get into that millennium, the more

racy them Ruth Wendell mysteries are getting.

I think we should be working backwards from that millennium.

The world would be a better place. Couldn't agree more, Arthur.

I mean, look what happened in Europe with the butter mountain.

Yes, I know.

What did happen with that butter mountain?

I don't know, Arthur.

You'll probably find that on CFAX.

Oh, look at my poor Malcolm, lying there, barely able to breathe for

Worried sick about him still, Arthur.

His illness has even baffled Mr Malick.

Ooh! Guess who's popped the clogs now?

Guess?

Who?

Mr Backshaw.

Mr Bags... Oh, I don't know, eh?

I pop upstairs for five minutes and another one's kicked the bucket.

That's two of them.

There'll be another one snuffing it soon. They always come in threes.

Oh, don't say that, Arthur.

Oh, I don't know what I'd do without my Malcolm.

It might not be Malcolm. It could be Mr Merton.

Oh, yes.

Oh, thank you, Arthur.

Shall we go over it again?

Who's dead?

Bye -bye.

My mythical soldier.

Hello, Mr Perkins.

Hello, it's Malcolm Merton's mother here, Mrs Merton.

Well, as you probably know, Malcolm's not in work today.

Oh, oh, didn't you notice?

No, no, he's here.

Oh, he's ever so poorly. I'm so worried about him. And you know what he's like.

He won't let me get the doctor.

Oh, incidentally, I must thank you for being so kind to my Malcolm.

Yes, he does appreciate those arrow roots.

Poor Malcolm.

How was he yesterday?

Really?

He was okay till what?

I'm in control.

I'm in control.

I'm true to myself.

Repeat it, Malcolm.

I'm true to myself.

I don't know whether you're interested, Malcolm.

You might be too poorly.

But I was talking to Geoffrey Perkins, your boss.

And he said there was a special delivery planned for today at the pet shop.

Something coincidentally that you're frightened of.

Oh, yes.

Something long and scaly.

Ring any bells, Malcolm?

A snake.

Oh, yes, Malcolm Merton. You've been rumbled.

You're not poorly at all. You've been pushing it on to avoid facing that

haven't you?

Yes, ma 'am. Oh, how could you? I've been hoodwinked by my first and only

Why did you do it, son?

I was too afraid, ma 'am. Them snakes can kill you with one squeeze.

Oh, Malcolm, I got squeezed to death myself.

Oh, I rue the day I bought you that look and learn.

Sometimes you're better off in the dark where deadly reptiles are concerned.

I know.

You know, Malcolm, in this life, you have to tell the truth.

What have I always taught you?

Never tell a fib or a fib will tell on you.

Honesty is always the best policy.

What did you say to Mr Perkins?

Oh, I told him it was a virus and he won't be in all week.

Big company for me.

I'm sorry, Mum.

Are you hungry?

Starving.

I'll bet you are, Tricky Dicky.

Oh, Malcolm, you really are such a complex character.

Just me to give Bertha such a wild card.

And it's massive, man. But people aren't allowed to talk to each other.

And they're not allowed to be friendly. Not even to the milkman or the postman.

They've all got to go around with miserable faces all day.

And where's this, Malcolm?

London. Yes, you're right.

We should thank our lucky stars for living, dying, eating, nourishing. We

blessed.

If it offered me a million pounds in a bag to go there for one day, I wouldn't

take it.

And rightly so. Do you know what I heard?

In London, it's so polluted now, they're due to drive in underground.

Why me, Charlie?

Come and help me dry up, Markham. Then we'll have our sponge pudding in front

Ricky Lake.

Tremendous.

It's a pattern, huh?

Oh, do you know, I can't stop thinking about Betty Spooner dying in front of a

one -bar fire.

Oh, the heat in the world won't bring her back now.

Did I ever meet her, ma 'am?

Yeah. She lived next door to that man with the three Jack Russells.

Remember, she gave you 50p that time for getting the dog dirt out of a rockery.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, it was weird, that. Some of that dog there was white.

We don't want to hear about white dogs' doings when we're having sponge pudding

with Ricky Lake. Thank you, Roger Rude Mouth.

Oh, turn that up.

I don't want him.

Can't stand him.

He was no good.

I don't trust him with a guy. I think he might be the murderer, ma 'am.

He's the detective, you clown.

Do you remember? He used to be in the Sweeney.

What

was

his sidekick called in Sweeney, ma 'am?

I could be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Do anything for you.

I'd be so good for you.

If you want to... Malcolm!

Are we watching this or are you acting the giddy goat?

Because if you want to act the giddy goat, you can act the giddy goat in the

hall. You're not acting the giddy goat in here.

Lewis, don't make the problem worse by guessing.

Malcolm, what have I told you about putting chocolates near your crotch?

He didn't rush to find them here, did he?

Do you know, the old of Oxford could be murdered, and all he'd do is pop another

CD on.

I like his assistant.

Him? He's thick as two short pranks, him.

Ooh, and he's got such a miserable face.

He cheered up a bit when he went in peak practice.

Then he went all miserable again in the brokers, ma 'am.

Is Morse married, ma 'am? No, we haven't opened Hell's Chance.

He's more miserable than the other fella.

Most detectives aren't married, are they? No.

I'll tell you who is married.

Mary, Beth and Cagney and Lacey.

Oh, do you remember that episode when she couldn't decide whether to go to a

take -out for a drug fight or to a son's school concert?

Oh, what a dilemma.

Can I be a detective, Mum?

No.

In a laboratory experiment, our experts treated Susan with our new formula and a

rival brand.

The results speak for themselves.

Ma 'am, can I wash half my head with a dandruff shampoo?

I don't think that's it then.

Oh, what a day we've had. We really have been to hell and back.

Sorry I pretended to be poorly today, ma 'am.

Will we have to tell Mr Malick?

need to tell Mr. Malick.

He might not be as keen to come round next time.

We'll tell no one.

Luckily, old Arthur will have forgotten the whole incident by now anyway.

You all right now, son?

I think so.

Night, night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Oh, the snakes.

Oh, you and your reptilophobia.

I'm sorry about Arthur squeezing your lesion.

I don't think he's encountered lesions that size since the early 50s.

Oh, what does a dude today's been?

Poor Malcolm.

He's worried stiff about having nightmares about that snake.

I think he'll be all right now, though.

Good night, Mr Merton.

Good night, Malcolm.

Night, Mum.

Night, Dad.