All language subtitles for Mrs Merton and Malcolm s01e04

To be on the same page.

Yes.

Well, he's hot, then he's cold, and
sometimes he's neither one thing nor the

other.

Oh, yes, he does look bilious, and he's
completely lost his sunny disposition.

I don't know.

Hold on, I'll ask.

Are you nauseous, Malcolm?

Yes. Yes.

Oh.

What's your stools like?

I forgot to look.

Malcolm, you know that's rule number
one.

You forgot to look.

OK.

All right.

Thank you. Bye -bye.

Well, you're empty more. I don't know
what it is.

Oh, Malcolm, you're a medical mystery.

Why won't you let me call the doctor,
son?

I don't like bothering him, Mum.

There's people worse off than me. Oh,
that's you all over.

Always thinking of others.

Now, pop your tongue out for me.

Oh, that doesn't look quite right.

Pop it back in again for now.

Are you well enough for Richard and
Judy?

I don't think so.

Oh, it's worse than I thought.

I wonder if it's not something you ate.

What did you have yesterday? Let me see.

Bored egg and toasted soldiers for
breakfast. Cheese and piccoli sandwich

penguin for lunch.

Then cod balls and mash for your tea
with arctic roll for afters. All

fair. Nothing that could upset you
there.

Did Mr Perkins give you anything at
work?

Two arrowroot biscuits with my tea.

Oh, why he can't stretch the boar bones,
I'll never know.

He's always been a skintling, told
Geoffrey Perkins.

Oh, Malcolm, you always were such a
hippie child.

I know what your problem is. You've been
going out without your balaclava,

trying to show off.

Oh, you're a magnet to bacteria. Always
have been.

Have you had any untoward rashes down
below?

No.

Well, it's nothing in the Gs.

I'll try the Hs.

Have you had any tingling in your
fallopian tubes?

Yeah, I think I have, yeah.

Oh, have you?

Oh, no. No, that's just for ladies.

In fact, I think I've got that.

Oh, no, no, I've had that out. That's
long gone.

There's so many illnesses to choose
from.

Why they bother inventing new ones, I'll
never know.

Oh, your father's had that.

And that.

Isn't that? Do you know, I think your
father's had all this chapter.

Oh, yes, he's put a little tick at the
end.

Is that the boy with the picture of the
leaf? Malcolm?

Oh, I thought you were ill.

Oh, it's a case history in here of a man
with bulbous scrotumuli who's, mm,

swelled up to the side of his own head.

See a picture of a leaf?

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, it looks like he's got a football in
his lap.

Let him have a look.

No.

Oh, pity the poor nurse who has to lance
that.

What do you think it is?

Is it Malcolm?

Of course it's Malcolm.

What do you think his helmet is?

Oh, helmet.

I don't know, eh?

It's gallivanting, that's what it is.

Trying to compete with Chris Evans.

Oh, he idolises that ginger prince.

Do you want a cup of tea, Arthur?

Oh, I'd love one.

Are you not too good, Malcolm?

No, Mr Capstick.

No.

I'm lucky with my health.

Everything in my body is 100 % fully
functional.

Farmy heart.

Oh, here we are.

Lovely.

Oh,

little wet your old whistle, Arthur. Oh,
thank you. I'm spitting feathers. Oh,

I've been run ragged this morning, what
with my Malcolm's malady.

There you go.

Lovely. Grand.

Did you hear about Betty Spooner? Passed
away Wednesday.

Betty Spooner?

I was only talking to her last week in
Carpet World.

She was browsing through the linoleum
samples as alive as you, Arthur.

Found her in the morning, dead.

In front of a one -bar fire.

Dead in front of a one -bar fire.

Oh, I hope it wasn't Tom wasting away.

Oh, Betty.

She'd only just had a perm and they're
not cheap.

No, they're not.

Mind you, it's a lovely way to go, that,
with a head full of curls.

They won't have much to do at the
morgue, that's one blessing.

Do you know who found her?

Mrs Ashcroft, from next door.

Only called in for catalogue money.

Ended up with death on her hands.

Poor woman.

Oh, I'd hate to find Becky Spooner dead
in front of a one -bar fire.

Ah, well.

Happened to us all one day.

Do you like a big biscuit, Arthur?

A big biscuit? I don't know, eh?

Only 76, it was.

Who was?

Betty Spooner.

She's dead, you know.

I know, Arthur, you just said.

Yes, I did. Spot on.

Doesn't do to dwell on death, though,
does it?

No.

Oh, that reminds me.

How's Mr Merton?

Oh, he's got a lesion under his arm,
says it's chafing him, something rotten.

I've had to put mittens on him.

You won't leave it alone.

When you pop up, will you rub a bit of
saffron on it for him? It's on his

medicine trolley.

These are lovely biscuits.

Where did you get them?

From the co -op in Chestergate.

Do you know something, Arthur? The youth
these days, they don't want to know

figs unless they're covered in
chocolate.

I had a kit -kat the other day that was
the same.

So, what's this to do with the old
Malcolm?

Is he not in work today, then?

No, that's him, there.

Oh, let me tell you, Arthur. You know Mr
Perkins from the pet shop?

Yes. Only ever has arrowroot.

Who's in out on the fig front?

Oh, poor Malcolm.

I'm worried sick about him, you know.

And he won't let me call the doctor.

He's got that from me, you know, that
selflessness. I'm exactly the same.

Always thinking of others.

Right.

I'll nip up to see Mr Merton then.

I brought him two ounces of glazium
each. Oh, yeah, good Arthur.

That'll perk him up a bit.

It's only you that bothers, you know.
Ah, well.

Don't forget that saffron, will you?

Do you know, that's put him next up in
his room. He hates them over the road,

pointing at him, laughing.

So, have you got a paper? I'll read him
his stuff.

Oh, yes.

He used to be a pie, but I don't think
he minds what you read him now.

It's all a bit pointless.

Oh, tell him about Betty Spooner dying.

That'll cheer him up a bit.

So, er, why are you popping up then,
Arthur?

Where? To see Mr. Merton.

Oh, right.

waiting in the sky.

He'd like to come and meet us, but he
thinks it'd blow our mind.

There's a star man waiting in the sky.
He told us not to blow

it, because he knows it's all
worthwhile.

He told us, let the children boogie, let
the children boogie, let

all the children boogie.

Right, come on, Malcolm.

Let's pour some soup down you.

It's chicken.

Oh, thanks, Mum.

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken.

Oh, Malcolm, it's breaking my heart
seeing you like this.

You've no energy, have you?

Come on, I'll help you with it.

Here's the plane coming into land.

Open the hangar.

Good boy.

Nice, isn't it?

Pass the tea round the gums. Look out,
Sammy. Here it comes.

Oh, Dickie Dribble.

Now, I've got you some mashed bananas
for afters.

Oh!

Now, try and drink a bit of this milk
for me, poppet.

All right.

Hello, Mrs Malcolm.

Malcolm, it's Mr Malick from the
chemist.

Thank you for rushing round.

I can't stay long because Judith can't
do prescriptions. She can only do over

-the -counter medicines.

Oh.

Hello, Malcolm.

Hello, Mr Malick.

Oh, he doesn't sound well. Not the
bonnie bouncy ball of fun we know as

Temperature seems fine.

How do you feel, Malcolm?

Poorly.

Well, it's got me baffled.

What are his stools like?

Oh, don't ask.

It's a sore point.

He forgot to look.

Mind you, to be fair to him, when you
don't feel well, it's the last thing you

want to be looking at, isn't it? I can
understand that, Mrs Merton, but

sometimes it's better to make the
effort.

Oh, did you hear about Betty Spooner?

Dead in front of a one -bar fire.

Oh, my goodness.

They're dropping like flies.

Old Mr. Bagshaw popped his clogs on
Tuesday.

Oh, Mr.

Bagshaw. Watching Countdown and his
heart stopped beating.

The last thing he must have seen was
Richard Whiteley. Oh, what a lovely way

go. And what a tribute to Richard.

Oh, how old was he?

Seventy -eight. Oh, his whole life ahead
of him.

What a senseless waste of human life.
Oh, yes.

Will you be stopping for a cup of tea,
Mr Malik?

No, thanks. I have to get back.

So, what's your professional opinion?

Well, you see, it's very tricky. It
always is when someone is poorly.

Having examined the patient thoroughly,
I would say, best to call a doctor.

Yes.

Because, you see, they are, what's the
word?

Qualified.

Especially in light of the recent deaths
of Mr Bagshaw and Mrs Spooner.

Oh, sound advice, Mr Malick, as usual.

Whilst I'm here, would you like me to
pop up and see Mr Merton?

Oh, no, it's not worth the wear and tear
on his shoes.

Anyway, Arthur's up there rubbing
something into his lesion.

Do you know, he's great, old Arthur.
There's not a crevice he won't rub

something into.

I'd do it myself, only it turns my
stomach.

Well, I'll press on regardless.

I don't like to leave my assistant
Judith Botts on her own too long. She

very embarrassed serving the more
intimate items.

Oh, you're a very sensitive man, Mr
Malick.

Malcolm, say thank you to Mr Malick for
diagnosing you.

Thank you, Mr Malick.

Come on, I'll see you out.

Now, I know what will cheer you up. I'll
put your liking video on fire.

Now...

Poor Countess.

What's about his self -assertion video?

No, I'm not in the mood.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, Arthur.

So, how was Mr Merton?

Well, he didn't like that lesion being
squeezed.

Oh, you're not supposed to squeeze it,
Arthur.

I know that now, don't I?

Topping up your tea, Arthur. It's
lovely.

Grand.

I was telling Mr Merton about Peggy
Gosworth. Her son Gordon's got a new TV.

It's got C -Fax.

C -Fax!

You press a couple of buttons and a
whole load of writing comes up on the

Wouldn't suit me.

I couldn't last out a full hour of
writing.

No.

I like something with a bit more plot to
it.

Like a good Ruth Wendell. I tend to
agree with you, Arthur.

Mind you, between me and you, the nearer
we get into that millennium, the more

racy them Ruth Wendell mysteries are
getting.

I think we should be working backwards
from that millennium.

The world would be a better place.
Couldn't agree more, Arthur.

I mean, look what happened in Europe
with the butter mountain.

Yes, I know.

What did happen with that butter
mountain?

I don't know, Arthur.

You'll probably find that on CFAX.

Oh, look at my poor Malcolm, lying
there, barely able to breathe for

Worried sick about him still, Arthur.

His illness has even baffled Mr Malick.

Ooh! Guess who's popped the clogs now?

Guess?

Who?

Mr Backshaw.

Mr Bags... Oh, I don't know, eh?

I pop upstairs for five minutes and
another one's kicked the bucket.

That's two of them.

There'll be another one snuffing it
soon. They always come in threes.

Oh, don't say that, Arthur.

Oh, I don't know what I'd do without my
Malcolm.

It might not be Malcolm. It could be Mr
Merton.

Oh, yes.

Oh, thank you, Arthur.

Shall we go over it again?

Who's dead?

Bye -bye.

My mythical soldier.

Hello, Mr Perkins.

Hello, it's Malcolm Merton's mother
here, Mrs Merton.

Well, as you probably know, Malcolm's
not in work today.

Oh, oh, didn't you notice?

No, no, he's here.

Oh, he's ever so poorly. I'm so worried
about him. And you know what he's like.

He won't let me get the doctor.

Oh, incidentally, I must thank you for
being so kind to my Malcolm.

Yes, he does appreciate those arrow
roots.

Poor Malcolm.

How was he yesterday?

Really?

He was okay till what?

I'm in control.

I'm in control.

I'm true to myself.

Repeat it, Malcolm.

I'm true to myself.

I don't know whether you're interested,
Malcolm.

You might be too poorly.

But I was talking to Geoffrey Perkins,
your boss.

And he said there was a special delivery
planned for today at the pet shop.

Something coincidentally that you're
frightened of.

Oh, yes.

Something long and scaly.

Ring any bells, Malcolm?

A snake.

Oh, yes, Malcolm Merton. You've been
rumbled.

You're not poorly at all. You've been
pushing it on to avoid facing that

haven't you?

Yes, ma 'am. Oh, how could you? I've
been hoodwinked by my first and only

Why did you do it, son?

I was too afraid, ma 'am. Them snakes
can kill you with one squeeze.

Oh, Malcolm, I got squeezed to death
myself.

Oh, I rue the day I bought you that look
and learn.

Sometimes you're better off in the dark
where deadly reptiles are concerned.

I know.

You know, Malcolm, in this life, you
have to tell the truth.

What have I always taught you?

Never tell a fib or a fib will tell on
you.

Honesty is always the best policy.

What did you say to Mr Perkins?

Oh, I told him it was a virus and he
won't be in all week.

Big company for me.

I'm sorry, Mum.

Are you hungry?

Starving.

I'll bet you are, Tricky Dicky.

Oh, Malcolm, you really are such a
complex character.

Just me to give Bertha such a wild card.

And it's massive, man. But people aren't
allowed to talk to each other.

And they're not allowed to be friendly.
Not even to the milkman or the postman.

They've all got to go around with
miserable faces all day.

And where's this, Malcolm?

London. Yes, you're right.

We should thank our lucky stars for
living, dying, eating, nourishing. We

blessed.

If it offered me a million pounds in a
bag to go there for one day, I wouldn't

take it.

And rightly so. Do you know what I
heard?

In London, it's so polluted now, they're
due to drive in underground.

Why me, Charlie?

Come and help me dry up, Markham. Then
we'll have our sponge pudding in front

Ricky Lake.

Tremendous.

It's a pattern, huh?

Oh, do you know, I can't stop thinking
about Betty Spooner dying in front of a

one -bar fire.

Oh, the heat in the world won't bring
her back now.

Did I ever meet her, ma 'am?

Yeah. She lived next door to that man
with the three Jack Russells.

Remember, she gave you 50p that time for
getting the dog dirt out of a rockery.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, it was weird, that. Some of that
dog there was white.

We don't want to hear about white dogs'
doings when we're having sponge pudding

with Ricky Lake. Thank you, Roger Rude
Mouth.

Oh, turn that up.

I don't want him.

Can't stand him.

He was no good.

I don't trust him with a guy. I think he
might be the murderer, ma 'am.

He's the detective, you clown.

Do you remember? He used to be in the
Sweeney.

What

was

his sidekick called in Sweeney, ma 'am?

I could be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Do anything for you.

I'd be so good for you.

If you want to... Malcolm!

Are we watching this or are you acting
the giddy goat?

Because if you want to act the giddy
goat, you can act the giddy goat in the

hall. You're not acting the giddy goat
in here.

Lewis, don't make the problem worse by
guessing.

Malcolm, what have I told you about
putting chocolates near your crotch?

He didn't rush to find them here, did
he?

Do you know, the old of Oxford could be
murdered, and all he'd do is pop another

CD on.

I like his assistant.

Him? He's thick as two short pranks,
him.

Ooh, and he's got such a miserable face.

He cheered up a bit when he went in peak
practice.

Then he went all miserable again in the
brokers, ma 'am.

Is Morse married, ma 'am? No, we haven't
opened Hell's Chance.

He's more miserable than the other
fella.

Most detectives aren't married, are
they? No.

I'll tell you who is married.

Mary, Beth and Cagney and Lacey.

Oh, do you remember that episode when
she couldn't decide whether to go to a

take -out for a drug fight or to a son's
school concert?

Oh, what a dilemma.

Can I be a detective, Mum?

No.

In a laboratory experiment, our experts
treated Susan with our new formula and a

rival brand.

The results speak for themselves.

Ma 'am, can I wash half my head with a
dandruff shampoo?

I don't think that's it then.

Oh, what a day we've had. We really have
been to hell and back.

Sorry I pretended to be poorly today, ma
'am.

Will we have to tell Mr Malick?

need to tell Mr. Malick.

He might not be as keen to come round
next time.

We'll tell no one.

Luckily, old Arthur will have forgotten
the whole incident by now anyway.

You all right now, son?

I think so.

Night, night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Oh, the snakes.

Oh, you and your reptilophobia.

I'm sorry about Arthur squeezing your
lesion.

I don't think he's encountered lesions
that size since the early 50s.

Oh, what does a dude today's been?

Poor Malcolm.

He's worried stiff about having
nightmares about that snake.

I think he'll be all right now, though.

Good night, Mr Merton.

Good night, Malcolm.

Night, Mum.

Night, Dad.