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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,040 ♪ Every time I pause she look at me 2 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,560 ♪ Every time I pause she look at me 3 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:11,680 ♪ I'm gonna tell my mama don't send me down here 4 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,760 God almighty. Yo, look pon dis one. 5 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,920 She sweet, don't it? You know her? 6 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,840 No, man, left she alone. That woman 'ave fire in a she belly. 7 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,840 You don't know what ya talking 'bout. Me 'ave water in my belly. 8 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,680 Make me cool her down. 9 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:28,080 Boo! 10 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:30,720 Move away! What is wrong with you? 11 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,720 A joke me a mek, me man. Me sorry! 12 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:36,440 You lucky me never broke my foot off inna ya rass. 13 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,560 Lord God, look how ya nose a bleed. 14 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,400 - An you de one do it. - Sorry, man, sorry. 15 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,320 Me name Aston, by the way. 16 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:47,680 Myrtle. 17 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,360 You owe me a new handbag. 18 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,240 ♪ Then sings my soul 19 00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:00,320 ♪ My saviour God, to thee 20 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:05,080 ♪ How great thou art 21 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,920 ♪ How great thou art 22 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:13,080 ♪ Then sings my soul 23 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:17,360 ♪ My saviour God, to thee 24 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:21,400 ♪ How great thou art 25 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:26,360 ♪ How great thou art 26 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,960 I am so sorry for your loss. 27 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:35,840 But I categorically refuse to play Angels by Robbie Williams. 28 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:39,760 I will be playing jazz because it's perfect for every occasion. 29 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,000 (tuts) 30 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:45,680 Just give it up, Nick. Let jazz go. I have and I'm happier for it. 31 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:49,600 You're regional sales manager for a dairy-free cheese firm. 32 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:52,880 Yeah, Lauren's right. Fill your life with something else. 33 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,520 Find love in Christ, like me and Sheila. 34 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:57,760 We're engaged. 35 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,200 - God be with you. - Right. 36 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:00,760 - What about Victoria? - Who? 37 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,000 The love of your life, who you said you could never move on from? 38 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,480 Oh, Victoria. Nah, she was just good times. 39 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,400 (whispers) And the best sex I ever had. 40 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,200 Well, just 'cause you two losers bailed on the band 41 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:12,880 doesn't mean Horace and I have. 42 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,880 - (Lauren) Why's he so upset? - I think his nan's dead. 43 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,400 - They had a row before she died. - Did she try and slap his legs? 44 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,360 'Cause she did that to everyone. She was a right bitch. 45 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:26,600 What? The woman was violent. Nana Myrtle was a fat, mean bitch. 46 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:28,560 You all right, Horace? 47 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:30,440 That's not very nice, is it, Lauren? 48 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,280 I mean, yeah, she was handy with her fists and could be a B word, 49 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:34,920 but she was my nana. 50 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,840 Horace, bruv, where you going? Your nan's not gonna bury herself, man. 51 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:39,920 - Horace. - Nice one, Lauren. 52 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:40,800 - Man. - What? 53 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,080 Man, why is everyone so miserable today? 54 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:48,600 I missed him. He was jumping on a bus to Peckham with Homeless Pete. 55 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:50,480 Why's he going to Peck... 56 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,560 Oh, shit. 57 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,480 Horace, stop! Wait! 58 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:00,600 No, Nick, no. 59 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,560 I have to go back to last Thursday, about 8pm. 60 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:04,640 Emmerdale was about to start, 61 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,760 and that's when Nana fell down the stairs. 62 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:08,160 If I can just warn her... 63 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:13,280 Horace, you can't do that, all right? We can't alter the past. 64 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,200 Remember Back To The Future, when Marty McFly starts disappearing 65 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,040 because he stops his mum meeting his dad? 66 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,200 What, no one's seen Back To The Future? 67 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,400 - No, I didn't get round to it. - I haven't seen that film, you know. 68 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:28,160 There's no black people in it, so my mum said no. 69 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,720 But I have seen the porn version. He does bang his mum. 70 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,360 Look, I'm not gonna bang my nana. 71 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:35,000 So just don't worry about me. I'll be fine. 72 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:36,160 No! 73 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:40,640 - Well, we tried. - We've gotta go after him. 74 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,240 Sorry, are you insane? 75 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:44,680 The last time we got in the time machine, 76 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,200 we were chased by a pack of velociraptors. 77 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,400 Guys, I think this is the time machine. 78 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,680 (yells) 79 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:52,880 Fuck's sake. 80 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,080 Homeless Pete, take us back to whenever you took Horace. 81 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:58,200 Two minutes to eight last Thursday. Come on, Nick. 82 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:03,080 - For fuck's sake, Nicholas. - What the fuck am I doing? 83 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:09,320 Wait. Are we going back in time again? 84 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:13,200 We're coming for you, Horace! 85 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:46,560 When the hell are we? 86 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,680 I'm guessing not last Thursday night just before Emmerdale. 87 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,880 Do you reckon Vodafone will send me one of those texts, 88 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,120 like when you're abroad? 89 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,000 Doubt it. 90 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,840 We're in 19-fucking-58. 91 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:05,040 No, 19:58, as in just before 8pm, not the year. 92 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:06,920 Homeless Pete, you di... 93 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,160 How the fuck does he keep doing that? 94 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:16,400 Oh, this is just great. This is just perfect. 95 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:20,280 I mean, why are we never taken to a decade where black people are liked? 96 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,920 - What decade would that be? - We should just go home. 97 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,560 - Not without Horace. - How do we even know he's here? 98 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,640 His bumbag's still warm. 99 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,480 Wait. Does this mean I can see Victoria again? 100 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,920 Not all olden times are the same. There's more than one olden time. 101 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,160 Victoria! I'm back, baby! 102 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,240 Can't wait to be inside you again. 103 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,160 Hey! Yeah, man. 104 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:49,520 Jason. All right? 105 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,280 - Whaap'm, fellas. - Whaap'm, Aston. 106 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:53,680 Is what sweet you, son? 107 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,400 Yo, me just did get one new bar of soap. 108 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:02,800 Me a go give my armpit and balls dem one piece a clean, you see? 109 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,480 Beg you let me borrow it after? 110 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:05,880 Nah, man, you can't borrow me tings. 111 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,280 Are you dumb? What wrong wid it? 112 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:17,760 Eh, bwoy. You lost? 113 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:22,280 Oh, yes, I am, actually. Do you know where number 72 is? 114 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:23,960 Is who you a look for? 115 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,640 My nana. Myrtle. 116 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,840 Myrtle? The Jamaican firecracker? 117 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,600 Yeah, sounds about right. Do you know her? 118 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,000 You best take a sip of rum fi calm ya nerves 119 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:36,480 before you meet dat beast of a woman. 120 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,160 Yeah, she can be a bit grumpy. 121 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,320 She once knocked me unconscious with a cake tin. 122 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:43,840 Thanks. 123 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,840 Victoria! Baby! 124 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,680 Have you seen a white woman, answers to the name Victoria? 125 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,880 Dark hair, creamy breasts, pubes that smell like summer rain? 126 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:03,280 - (Nick) Jase, leave it. - Victoria? 127 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,320 - It's me, your Nubian prince. - (screams) 128 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,960 Jase, what are you doing? 129 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,360 My baby's here. 130 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:12,200 I can feel her, I can smell her, I can... I can taste her, bruv. 131 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:16,040 Jase, Victoria probably died in the Blitz, like half of London did. 132 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,120 My baby died? 133 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,840 No. No, man. 134 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,320 Shh. Shh. 135 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:23,400 There. 136 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:27,000 I'll never hold her again or... or kiss her. 137 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,440 Or slip my tongue in between the crevice of her batty crease, man. 138 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:30,920 OK, maybe keep it in. 139 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,600 - Shh. - ♪ You're gonna tell your mama... 140 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,520 It's Horace. Horace! Come on. 141 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,200 ♪ I'm gonna tell my mama don't send me down 142 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,440 ♪ You better tell your mama don't send me down 143 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,800 ♪ I'm going to tell my mama don't send me down here 144 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,720 - Horace. - Hey, guys. 145 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,640 - Hey. - Oh, my God. 146 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,920 - What are you doing here? - Looking for you. To bring you home. 147 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,720 Bruv, Victoria's dead. It's cool. 148 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:59,560 It's better to have smashed and lost than never to have smashed at all. 149 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,000 - Yeah. - Yeah, nice, cool. 150 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:05,240 - Now, can we please go home? - I haven't found my nana yet. 151 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:06,720 I still need to warn her about the stairs. 152 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,720 Jazz, jazz... 153 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,040 - I bloody love jazz. - Jazz, jazz, jazz. 154 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,840 Sorry, are you... Is that a trumpet? Are you a band? Are you a jazz band? 155 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:20,120 No, I like jazz too. No, where you going? 156 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,640 - Ow! - Oi. 157 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,320 - You just knocked over my bird. - Did I? Oh, right. Sorry. 158 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,080 Did a bunch of musicians come by here? 159 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,280 - Did you hear that? Sorry? - It ain't good enough. 160 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,920 How would you like it if I knocked over one of your birds, eh? 161 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,360 Why you a push me for? 162 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,000 - Shame on you. - Nana Myrtle. 163 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:40,360 Oi! 164 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,200 - What you playing at? - Nothing. 165 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,280 Not you. Him. You toilet. 166 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,920 I don't care what colour she is. No one pushes a lady. 167 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,960 - (girl) Ginger tosser! - (boy) Wanker! 168 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,080 - (man) You all right, love? - Me fine. 169 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:01,360 Just a likkle bruise is all. 170 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,400 That's more than just a likkle bruise, sweetheart. 171 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,360 Let's get this seen to. 172 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,800 You can see to me all you like. 173 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:11,160 Nana Myrtle. 174 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:16,680 - I know a place just up here. - Mind your legs. She's a slapper. 175 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,400 Excuse me? Me know you? 176 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,800 Oh, no, shit. I'm not supposed to talk to you. 177 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,880 - The Blue Flamingo! - What happened to you? 178 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,560 Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry. 179 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:31,840 Nick. 180 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,960 Where is that lanky twat? 181 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:45,960 (grunts) 182 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,240 Oh, that's a bit weird. 183 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:57,320 (crackling) 184 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,360 (play lively jazz) 185 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:31,120 This... This is jazz. 186 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,440 - What you called? - Sorry? 187 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:38,640 - Your band, what you called? - Oh. The Wu Tang Clan. 188 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,040 It's just how I imagined it in my wet dream. 189 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,480 (Nick scats) 190 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,000 Right, well, if you could just lay off any more drugs 191 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,800 until after your set, I would really appreciate it. 192 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,840 Hold on, wait, hold on. What? My set? 193 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,400 Oh, my God. My band's playing the Blue Flamingo. 194 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:00,480 Oh, my God! 195 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,000 Wait. Where the fuck is my band? 196 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,440 Your hair's a lovely colour. 197 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,360 Sort of a strawberry blond. 198 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,760 (crash of thunder) 199 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,840 (grunts) 200 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,720 Horace, you all right? 201 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,840 Yeah. I think I'm travel sick. 202 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:28,320 - You've not been anywhere. - Must be time-travel sick. 203 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:32,720 Guys, guys. I know why we're here. I know why we're in the '50s. 204 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:36,760 It's to get the band back together. This is jazz time. 205 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:40,880 Dizzy, Louis, Ella, the one and only General L Hands. 206 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,880 And I have just got us a gig at the Blue Flamingo. 207 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,600 Yay! 208 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,720 - What's the Blue Flamingo? - Where's Jason? 209 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,440 Dealing with Victoria's death. 210 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,640 Yeah, people grieve in different ways. 211 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,400 This is jazz. 212 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,840 Beer, please. 213 00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,920 Have you got anything that doesn't taste like piss in a glass? 214 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,960 - Youngsters don't drink nowadays. - You telling me they're all sober? 215 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,640 No, they're all on the wakey-wakeys. 216 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:35,120 Got your bennies, your blues, your pep pills, purple hearts, 217 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:39,400 black beauties, dexys, pervs and your billies. 218 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,640 Not him, though. He's on heroin. 219 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,320 Here you are. On the house. 220 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,920 - Are you in need of speed, Horace? - (music ends) 221 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,200 - Nope. - (applause) 222 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,400 (Lauren) Oh, my gosh, is that...? 223 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:03,840 Nana. Oh, my gosh, she looks so young. 224 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,680 Why is she dancing with that ginge? 225 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:09,720 I don't know. I thought Granddad Aston was the only man she'd ever... 226 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,280 What the shitballs was that? 227 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:19,880 I don't know. It happened before. I think I'm hungover, Lauren. 228 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,760 Yeah. Yeah, probably. 229 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,400 Let's just get you some Red Bull 230 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,320 and a packet of pickled onion Monster Munch. 231 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,240 Come on. 232 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,760 Yeah, I'm actually in mourning, 233 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:33,240 and I think a quick smash would kick-start the grieving process. 234 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:37,200 - Yeah, go on, then. - Really? That was easy. 235 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,680 - You know I'm a prostitute, right? - Oh, is it? 236 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:43,440 (music ends, applause) 237 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,480 We're gonna take a little break now, 238 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:49,400 and then we've got a hot new quartet 239 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,640 syncopating for your aural pleasure. 240 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,600 - The One Ton Clam! - (applause) 241 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,840 Oh, my God. 242 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,200 Oh, my God. I'm... I'm... We're playing. 243 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,280 This is actually happening. 244 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,400 (laughs) 245 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:05,480 Where's the toilet? 246 00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,680 (vomits) 247 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,760 I'm about to play the Blue Flamingo. 248 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,120 This is, like, the best day ever... 249 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:17,720 (wails) 250 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,120 It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. 251 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,000 I know this is a long shot, bruv, but you got a condom? 252 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,000 - No. - A bag for life and a rubber band? 253 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:28,360 What? No. And whatever you plan to do, do it quickly. 254 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:31,440 We've got the gig of our lives to play. Ugh. 255 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,520 Wait here. 256 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,400 I've gotta go get Nick. 257 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,840 (distorted voice) What's happening, please? 258 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,920 Why are you talking like... 259 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:54,200 Fucking holy... Fucking... Fuck me! 260 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,600 - Horace? - No. Martin. 261 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,640 - Who are your grandparents? - Funny question. 262 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:05,160 OK, so there's Nan and Pap on Mum's side 263 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:09,400 and on Dad's side there's Nana Myrtle and Grampy Len. 264 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:13,120 I'm actually one quarter black, so, you know, I get you. 265 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,320 Safe. 266 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:21,120 Len. Shit! Is Len white with red hair by any chance? 267 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,840 He actually describes it as strawberry blond, but yes. 268 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,160 Where am I? 269 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:28,040 Oh! Hey, hey. Hey. 270 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,640 Hey, excuse me, please. 271 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,200 Excuse me, please, thank you. 272 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,040 I don't know what you're doing, but that feels good, sugar fingers. 273 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,640 - I'm wanking you off. - Yeah. 274 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,040 Is it helping you forget about your dead lady friend? 275 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,360 It was till you reminded me. 276 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,520 Why have you gone all floppy? 277 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,280 I can't do this, man. 278 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,440 Dead or not, Victoria's bae for life. 279 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,840 Well, I still have to charge, whether you jizz off or not. 280 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,840 (Nick) How was I supposed to know Nana Myrtle was into white guys? 281 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,040 Please don't shank me! 282 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,520 - Look what you've done to Horace. - To Horace? 283 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:08,120 You let Nana Myrtle fall in love with the wrong man. 284 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,600 Oh, fuck. 285 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,520 What we gonna do? Who's gonna sing? 286 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,920 - Sing? - Oh, shit. 287 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,400 I can't breathe. I think I'm having a panic attack. 288 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,560 - Swallow. - What was that? 289 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,840 - Medicine. You'll be fine. - What's going on? 290 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,040 Horace has turned into a posh bloke called Martin 291 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,280 'cause his nana's doing a white dude called Len. 292 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,520 Cool. This could open so many doors for him. 293 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,080 Are you even listening? He's not Horace. 294 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:40,000 No, I'm Martin, I'm from Surrey and I work in marketing. 295 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,280 Horace doesn't exist because Martin does, 296 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,440 so we have to un-exist Martin to get Horace back. 297 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,120 Please don't hurt me. I've got a wife and two daughters. 298 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:52,440 Look. That's Daisy and that's Poppy. 299 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,640 We can't kill a man with a family. 300 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:59,480 Hello. He isn't real. Those kids are not real. 301 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,760 I assure you, they're very real 302 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,600 when they're jumping on your testicles at 5am, 303 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,040 demanding Nutella pancakes. 304 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:09,200 See? Martin isn't so bad. He could replace Horace in the band. 305 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,080 - Can you sing, Martin? - No. 306 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,240 Come on, everyone can sing. Try. 307 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:13,880 I'm not in the mood. You keep talking about killing my kids. 308 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,280 I am trying to save your life. Now, just bloody sing! 309 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:19,520 ♪ He's got the whole world in his hands 310 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,960 ♪ He's got the whole wide world... 311 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,120 What the fuck is that? 312 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,800 Will you stop talking about your stupid gig 313 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,600 and help me kill Martin and his children? 314 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,280 Shit it! 315 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,680 Help me, please. Some black people are trying to kill me. 316 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:41,920 Hello, hello. Here they come. Taking our jobs. Touching our women. 317 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,240 Sorry, is anyone else sweating and grinding their back teeth? 318 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,760 Someone's coming up. 319 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,920 This is fine, right? He's white. That's great. 320 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,560 No more police stop and search. 321 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,120 He can get bookings in fancy restaurants, 322 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,360 take pictures in low lighting. 323 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,160 It's all win, hey, Horace? Martin? 324 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,240 Hartin. I like him. 325 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,760 I'm not leaving Horace like this. Give him back. He's ours. 326 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:06,920 He don't look much like you. 327 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,400 Two words: fuck off and stay fucked off. 328 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,600 It's six words, but whatever. 329 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:19,560 That's it, Lauren. 330 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:20,720 - Yes! - Yes! 331 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,520 - Go on. - Go on. 332 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:23,600 Yes. 333 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,320 Yes! Yes! 334 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,560 Go on, Lauren, you got this. 335 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:38,720 Why unu English people can't leave we alone? 336 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,760 - What all dis? - Get off of me! 337 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:45,480 Jesus. Lord God, look how your nose a bleed. 338 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,680 You do it. 339 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,800 Name Aston by the way. 340 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:52,880 Myrtle. 341 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,800 - You owe me a new handbag. - Me owe you? 342 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:58,040 You see what you do to me nose? 343 00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:01,960 - Me sorry. - All right, love. Get off of her. 344 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,480 Right, you. Have him! He ain't worth it! 345 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,760 Don't bloody touch me, you tit! 346 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,200 You're a cocky little toerag, in't ya? 347 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:17,800 How's about you like to make a little bit of easy money with them fists? 348 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,960 - How much are we talking? - Here's a little sweetener. 349 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,280 Myrtle? Come on, darling, let's go. 350 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,160 Oh, right. There you go, then. 351 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,720 I knew it'd work out. 352 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,480 (Nick) Martin? 353 00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:59,880 Hello, hello. All right? 354 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,680 Hey, guys. 355 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,720 Horace, mate. Good to have you black. 356 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,400 Why isn't anyone else dancing? 357 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:17,920 - Oi! Are you playing or what? - Yeah. Yeah! Yeah! 358 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,040 ♪ I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because 359 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,120 ♪ This is how we do it 360 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,680 ♪ South Central does it like nobody does 361 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,840 ♪ This is how we do it 362 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:29,280 ♪ To all my neighbours You got much flavour 363 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,200 ♪ This is how we do it 364 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,840 ♪ Let's flip the track Bring the old school back 365 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,960 ♪ This is how we do it 366 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,480 ♪ I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because 367 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,400 ♪ This is how we do it 368 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,080 ♪ South Central does it like nobody does 369 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,520 ♪ This is how we do it 370 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,760 ♪ YNV, SCC... 371 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,240 Victoria! Oh, my God. 372 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,200 Mmm. 373 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,320 De-lish. Do I know you? 374 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,080 Baby, it's me. 375 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,520 Guys, it's Victoria. 376 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,920 My sweet, sweet Creole cupcake. 377 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,960 Must have been 30 years. 378 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:26,600 Oh, but time has not been kind. 379 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,080 - Ready to go home? - What you talking about? 380 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,680 We're in the era of cool, smooth jazz. 381 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,760 Are we really gonna do this shit again? 382 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:40,680 I'm up for it. I've had such a great time so far. 383 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,760 Horace, you were erased from existence for, like, 17 minutes. 384 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,720 Yeah, but we're back together now, innit? Like old times. 385 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,320 It's amazing. We've just got a regular slot at the Blue Flamingo. 386 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:50,520 Yeah, and man's balls are about to burst, 387 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:55,200 so until me and Victoria beat, I ain't going nowhere. 388 00:21:55,920 --> 00:22:00,800 Friends, lovers, let's blouse. Champagne and cocaine at mine, yes? 389 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,360 (cheering) 390 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,920 And by the way, you're paying, gorgeous ones, because I'm destitute. 391 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,520 It's all right. I'm loaded! 392 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,200 (cheering) 393 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,640 ♪ This is how we do it 394 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,280 ♪ South Central does it like nobody does 395 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:22,440 ♪ This is how we do it 396 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:24,800 ♪ To all my neighbours You got much flavour 397 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,080 ♪ This is how we do it... 30252

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