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1
00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:12,640
(lift bell rings)
2
00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,640
(yelling)
3
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,040
It's fixed, the time
machine's fixed!
4
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:23,880
Wait, wait, wait.
5
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:25,880
Is it fixed? Does it work?
6
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:32,120
No, but how do I know this
is real and I'm awake
7
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:33,920
and this is not some
kind of sick dream?
8
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:34,640
Argh!
9
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:37,920
Homeless Pete,
that fucking hurt!
10
00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:40,920
Which means I'm not dreaming,
11
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,680
which means I can go home!
12
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:46,240
Yes!
13
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,080
Homeless Pete.
- Yeah?
14
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:53,480
When was the last
time you had a bath?
15
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,520
1859.
16
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,360
Da da da da da da, hey!
17
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,240
Da da da da da da, hey!
18
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:06,960
Da da da da da da, hey!
19
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,000
Da da da da da da, hey!
20
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,920
Goodbye olden days,
hello South London!
21
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,600
The streets paved with fake
hair and chicken bones.
22
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,280
I'm going straight to JDs
to get some Reeboks.
23
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:19,760
These brogues are brukking
up my bunions, man.
24
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,720
I just feel so underwhelmed.
25
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:25,480
We had this opportunity to visit
the past, and what have we done
with our time here?
26
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,120
We could always do something
meaningful before we go,
27
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,880
like kill Hitler or
blow up the Death Star.
28
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:31,880
I've achieved a lot.
29
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,400
By becoming the sugar child
of a rich white woman?
30
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:35,320
Exactly.
31
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,840
Shit, Victoria's gonna be gutted
when she finds out I'm leaving.
32
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:42,480
Maybe I'll get her
a rose and a pen.
33
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,200
Breaking hearts is hard, man.
34
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,960
This entire time I've been
treading on eggshells,
35
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,160
thinking Homeless Pete sent us
back for some higher purpose.
36
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,920
I think it's safe to
say he's just a bum
37
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,080
who jacked up in a lift
and found a wormhole.
38
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:56,840
So it's just random,
us being here?
39
00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:58,840
I could have done
anything, but I've just wasted
my-,
40
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,440
Your entire life, yeah.
41
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,800
I was going to say my time here.
42
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,680
Right, so we've got one more day
in the '20s, and I could do
anything.
43
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,480
I could act like a dick
and it wouldn't matter?
44
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,560
You do act like a dick
because you are a dick.
45
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:12,880
But no, it doesn't matter.
46
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,240
So stop living in the
never-never and live in the now.
47
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:20,480
How'd that feel?
48
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:21,320
Awful.
49
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,000
Yet liberating.
50
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,400
Right, enjoy. I'm off to
spend my last day shopping.
51
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,600
Someone wanna tell
Curtis the good news?
52
00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:31,960
Hey chicken.
53
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,240
The time machine's fixed
now, so we can go home
54
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,720
and get you the medical
help you so urgently need.
55
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,480
Safe, safe.
56
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,160
Right after Lauren's
done a spot of shopping.
57
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:44,720
I'm a dick!
58
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,040
Babes, can we talk?
59
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:49,920
Not now, darlington.
60
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,120
I'm late for a sitting
with this exciting young artist
61
00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:56,240
who makes people look
all back to front.
62
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,560
I'm so modern!
63
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,120
Baby, listen.
64
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,400
Ah, where to begin?
65
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,920
Maybe I should do this naked.
66
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,800
Women always feel better
when they see me naked.
67
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:13,880
I'm leaving.
68
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,200
Oh, I know that.
69
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,120
The gangly boring one told me.
70
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,400
You must be
goose-pimplingly excited.
71
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,960
Shh, it's okay baby, it's okay.
72
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:25,480
Well, don't think I'll let you
go without throwing a horribly
super party.
73
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,080
No need to be brave.
74
00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:28,560
Let it out.
75
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,480
Right, must dash. Artists
are very temperamental.
76
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,320
Goodness knows what he might
do to me if I'm late.
77
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:49,600
Wow!
78
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:50,560
It's too much, innit?
79
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:51,960
I like it. You look
like Puff Daddy.
80
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,400
It's not usually my thing
81
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,640
but the guy at the shop said
I could open an account.
82
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,320
No credit check
or nothing.
83
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:58,880
It was the same
everywhere.
84
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,160
Fabergé, Chanel, Cartier.
85
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,320
These are real diamonds, Horace!
- Ahh, shiny!
86
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,200
I'm gonna make a mint
when I put these on eBay.
87
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,040
But how you gonna pay off the
credit if we're leaving?
88
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,680
I'm never gonna have to pay it
off cos I'll be in another
century.
89
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,960
That's why you're smart. When we
get back, you should so do a TED
talk.
90
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:14,520
Oh my days, have you seen Nick?
91
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:16,400
Last time I saw him, he was
leaving the toilet seat up.
92
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:17,840
Said it was something
he'd always wanted to do.
93
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,720
Yeah, well I think he's
taken it up a notch.
94
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,680
Did Victoria give him a
bit of er-, (sniffs)
95
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:25,880
Nah, that's all him.
96
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,080
Now he knows he's going home,
he's finally having the time of
his life.
97
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,120
(yelling)
98
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:32,840
My friends!
99
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,120
Ahh, I fucking love this tune!
100
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,080
Pull up!
101
00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:43,760
We need to get
him a smash.
102
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:44,640
Charming.
103
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,680
The cherry on the perfect final
night, which for a man is having
sex.
104
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,720
So you need to get him a smash.
105
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,080
What am I, a pimp?
106
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:53,600
Do you really want
me to answer that?
107
00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,360
Sorry about this, fella.
108
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:04,280
But as your GP, I'm prescribing
you one cheeky course of
champagne.
109
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:05,360
I don't want it.
110
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:15,960
What's up with you?
111
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:16,840
No, nothing.
112
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,080
It's just, look at her.
113
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:20,880
She's crushed.
114
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:22,840
Yeah, she looks devo.
115
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,000
It is a bit rude she
isn't more sad, innit?
116
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,120
Maybe she's not made the
link between me leaving,
117
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,320
and not being able
to have sex with me.
118
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:31,720
Uh-huh.
119
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,760
It's times like this I wish I
could just send a dick pic,
you know?
120
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:36,720
(bell rings)
121
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,280
I'd like to say a few words on
behalf of me and my friends,
122
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,960
because as you know, we
are leaving tomorrow.
123
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:42,840
Aww.
124
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:43,720
Yeah, innit?
125
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,080
I'd like to, er, say a special
thank you to Victoria,
126
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:52,080
who has so kindly welcomed
us into her life, her home,
127
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:56,360
and me into her bed,
and her herself.
128
00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,960
- Alright, wrap it up mate.
- I'm not finished.
129
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:05,920
A body I will no longer be
inside of, because I will be
gone, never to return.
130
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,440
No more sex for you,
because tomorrow-,
131
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:10,920
Thank you, precious.
132
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,640
In other news, and the main
reason we're all here,
133
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,120
the big unveiling.
134
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,440
A painting of me!
135
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,160
(applause)
136
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,320
It's so modern
I could die!
137
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,760
Thank you, Pablo, you've
absolutely captured my perfect
nose!
138
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:29,560
Somewhere.
139
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:34,240
Now let's all drink to
excess and celebrate me, me, me!
140
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,320
Moo!
141
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:42,920
Aw, where's your
Puff Daddy coat?
142
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,440
I gave it to someone.
143
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:45,760
They did me a favour.
144
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,120
You're so generous with
your stolen goods, Lauren.
145
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,120
I know, right?
146
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:52,560
Wee-wee time.
147
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:54,480
Ahh.
148
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:17,480
'Allo.
149
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,720
I have a cigarette
that needs lighting.
150
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:22,520
Er, yeah?
151
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,240
I think there are some
matches in the toilet.
152
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:32,120
Erm, I've just been
holding my penis
153
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,480
so my hands are a bit
penisy, do you mind?
154
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:36,760
Why would I?
155
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:44,240
Is that good?
156
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,160
The best. Turkish blend.
157
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,840
I feel my lungs curl
with every inhale.
158
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:52,560
I've never smoked.
159
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,320
Ahh, that's good.
160
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,160
(vomiting)
161
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,880
I suppose it gets easier
the more you do it?
162
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,880
Doesn't everything?
163
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,160
Oggy oggy oggy! Oi oi oi!
164
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:26,400
That's why I've decided to
not give a shit, you know?
165
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,640
Have fun, fuck it all.
166
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:31,280
Do you like fun?
167
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,120
I love fun.
168
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,560
I know a place where
we could have fun.
169
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:38,360
Privately.
170
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,080
As in sexually.
171
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,680
We don't have to go full
penetration but I'd rather we
did,
172
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,880
you know, because that's
the kind of guy I am now.
173
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,640
And I've got nothing
to lose by asking.
174
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,520
Life's too short, huh?
175
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,200
It's actually not, but I'm just
toying with this new Nick angle.
176
00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,680
So back to me
asking you for sex.
177
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:01,160
Now I know you may say no or
think that I'm some kind of
psycho,
178
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,400
but who cares, right?
179
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:05,120
Because I'm just a person
and you're just a-,
180
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:08,720
Is that a yes?
181
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:13,000
Why don't you show me
this place of yours?
182
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:14,440
Okay.
183
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:20,640
Er, this is kind of awkward and
a bit of an old Nick thing to
ask, but-,
184
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,320
have you had an STD
check-up recently?
185
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:25,680
STD?
186
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,360
Venereal diseases. Gonorrhea,
syphilis, genital warts.
187
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,000
I understand they're rife
and, like, hard to shift.
188
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,880
Oh! Ooo la la!
189
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,240
Don't we need to leave soon?
190
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:55,800
What have you
got in there?
191
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,960
Furs, Fabergé eggs,
first editions.
192
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,400
New shit that's about to become
vintage shit, and worth a
shitload.
193
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,400
Yeah, well it ain't gonna
fit in the lift, so-,
194
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,360
The hell it won't.
Give me a hand.
195
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,240
I'll give you 1% of what I make.
196
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,640
Is that, like, half?
197
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:12,480
Yeah.
198
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:14,640
Victoria!
199
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,440
Oh, morning.
200
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,800
I didn't know you
were still here.
201
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:22,280
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
202
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,160
Hmm. Well.
203
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,960
Victoria, wait!
What, is that it?
204
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,040
Oh, of course! For all
the entertainment.
205
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,400
I don't carry actual money.
Do you take cheques?
206
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,360
Nah, babes. I don't
want your money.
207
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,760
I want you, innit? Come with me.
208
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:40,960
Dearheart, I couldn't possibly.
209
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:45,960
Hot places are so unbecoming,
and I can only imagine where
you're from is very hot.
210
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,120
Victoria, I've fallen
in love with you.
211
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:53,560
So if you don't wanna come with
me then-, I guess I'll stay.
212
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,440
My sweet, sweet Creole cupcake.
213
00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:00,720
I fear you'd be staying just for
me, that makes my tummy come
over all queer.
214
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,080
- It's called love, baby.
- Or is it nausea?
I think it's nausea.
215
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,640
Goodbyes are so hard and
yet, farewell forever!
216
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:13,880
Oh, I'm late!
217
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:17,680
Look, Jason-,
218
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,160
I don't want to talk about it.
219
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:24,480
Er, well, if we're on
the topic of love,
220
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,640
I should probably chuck
in that I'm married.
221
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,840
It was instant
chemistry, you know?
222
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:40,880
She was kind and sweet, and she
said I was charming and funny,
223
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,240
and I said people think of
me as a young Chris Rock,
224
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:46,080
and she laughed even though she
didn't know who Chris Rock was.
225
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,600
Get to the part where you
decided to throw your life away.
226
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:54,480
We laughed and kissed and joked
and kissed, and before you knew
it,
227
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:59,960
our bodies were intertwined
making deep, hard love 'til dawn
228
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,280
behind a set of bins.
229
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,160
Jesus Christ, you were only
supposed to have sex with her.
230
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,640
- What?
- What?
231
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,920
When you meet a
girl, you have sex,
232
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,040
maybe you make her
breakfast in the morning.
233
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,440
You lie about keeping
in touch on Facebook.
234
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:16,640
Who proposes to a
one-night stand?
235
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:17,760
I did.
236
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,960
Yeah, and need I remind
you she cheated on you?
237
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,480
Wait, so you married her and now
you're just gonna leave her?
238
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:24,960
I'm not leaving.
239
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,720
- Screw the fact that she's in
love with you.
- I'm staying.
240
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,840
That she gave you her
heart, despite the social stigma
241
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,480
of interracial
relationships in this age of
ignorance.
242
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,400
Now fuck all that yeah?
- No, I'm staying.
243
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:35,600
Oh.
244
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:36,400
What?
245
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:40,200
Nick, I know you're a dick but
please, don't be a bigger dick
now.
246
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:42,320
'Stop living in the never-never
and live in the now.'
247
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:43,840
Who fed you that bullshit?
248
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:44,640
You!
249
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,960
You know nothing
about this woman.
250
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,240
Er, her name's
Nicola and she is-,
251
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:54,480
my everything!
252
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:55,960
She told you her name's Nicola?
253
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,800
Wait. Nick, Nicola,
Nicola, Nick,
254
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:03,240
Nicola, Nick, Nick, Nicola,
Nick-, that is too cute!
255
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:04,960
I'm so made up for you bruv.
256
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,880
(screaming)
257
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,080
Thank you!
258
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:12,720
Thank you.
259
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:14,280
I'm glad someone is.
260
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:20,240
If you'll excuse me, my wife and
I are moving into our new
lodgings.
261
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,160
Fam, I want you
to take my Rolex.
262
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,640
Sell it, buy something
nice for your new life.
263
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,160
The life I'll never have.
264
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,120
You know this is fake, right?
265
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:42,840
I mean, ahh, thank
you! That's wicked.
266
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:48,720
So, erm, before you
go, come for supper?
267
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:51,960
Right.
268
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,560
Where you going? We're
supposed to be leaving.
269
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,960
Nick has inspired me to do
whatever it takes to be with my
true love, Victoria.
270
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:03,600
Oh my God!
271
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:08,080
So there's no drinking, and we
must share a kitchen, but-,
272
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:09,800
Ta-daa!
273
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:12,960
What do you think?
274
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,200
Yeah.
275
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,240
Yeah!
276
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:20,560
Super cosy.
277
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:22,800
Argh!
278
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:28,640
When you get a big job, we
can buy a villa in Clapham.
279
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,120
Yeah, big job.
280
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:36,480
What can't a black trumpeter
with a 2:2 in Media Studies do
in 1920s London?
281
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:48,880
I thought we was going home?
282
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,400
I'm not leaving
without my brother.
283
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,560
Well, you tell Curtis to his
dying face that we're not going
home yet.
284
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:56,760
We're not going home yet.
285
00:14:58,720 --> 00:14:59,960
At least we get to meet Nicola.
286
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,240
I already have.
287
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:01,840
When?
288
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,680
When I discovered that a
mink coat can buy you anything.
289
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:05,360
I don't get it.
290
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,480
- Nicola is not Nicola. She's
a pros-,
- Here it is!
291
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,680
Oh God, we need to
get him out of here.
292
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,920
Oh, hey guys! Come on in!
293
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:17,440
Oh, Curtis says hi.
294
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,960
He started coughing up
blood halfway up the stairs so-,
295
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,120
What's that music?
296
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,640
Oh, there's a Chinese opium den
below us. Try not to take deep
breaths.
297
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,400
So what do you think?
298
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,640
Well, it might not look much-,
299
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,840
- But?
- Nah, that's it.
300
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:34,680
It is a fixer-upper, but I
really think it could be
something.
301
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:38,960
Lick of paint, carpet, thicker
windows to block out the racial
slurs,
302
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,720
maybe some curtains.
303
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:42,960
Hey!
304
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,960
(loud kissing)
305
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:47,160
Hello?
306
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,280
Oh, sorry.
307
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,560
Erm, sweet baby mouth Nicola,
this is Horace and my little
sister Lauren.
308
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:55,640
'Allo!
309
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,560
Congratulations!
310
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:58,560
Merci!
311
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,400
Welcome to the family.
312
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,080
What d'you do for
a living, Nicola?
313
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:03,640
Oh, this and that.
314
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,320
Sorry, did you say
'dicks and that'?
315
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,760
Are you guys gonna try for
a baby straight away?
316
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,960
Oh, well, I suppose this house
probably isn't the best place
to-,
317
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:16,160
I love babies! We
want at least six!
318
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,520
The pill's not been
invented yet, so won't be long
now.
319
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:19,880
We do have a sheath.
320
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:20,920
A sheath?
321
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,400
It's reusable, but Nicola
doesn't like the faff.
322
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,360
You do know there's no
cure for syphilis yet?
323
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:29,080
Oh, don't worry, I checked.
Nicola was a virgin when we met.
324
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:30,640
A virgin?
325
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,320
Isn't it beautiful?
326
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,960
I'm the only man who's
ever been inside of her.
327
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,440
That's so cute.
328
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,560
Erm, where's your toilet please?
329
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,360
You go toilet in a bucket now?
330
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,240
It's fine, it's actually a
healthier position for
evacuating.
331
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,040
You're not happy, I can
see it in your eyes.
332
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,560
This might be our only
chance. Come home, Nicholas!
333
00:16:55,920 --> 00:17:00,280
Why don't you fix us a
cocktail, angel ears?
334
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,920
Okay, honey lips.
335
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,480
Oh God, oh fuck, oh God.
What the fuck am I doing here?
336
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,440
I only paid you to
sleep with him!
337
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,960
I can't helps I'm irresistible.
338
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,400
You're not even French!
339
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,120
I'm whatever he wants, love.
340
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,680
Nice fellas like him
don't grow on trees.
341
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:26,920
But you don't even love him!
342
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,840
I fucks him and I looks nice,
what more d's he want?
343
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,160
Do you want me to tell him
you're a prostitute? I'll do it!
344
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,840
Oh, d'you want me to tell him
his sister paid a prostitute?
345
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,680
- Oh, you skank!
- You skank!
346
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,120
Don't call me a
skank, you skank!
347
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:43,240
Nope!
348
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,560
Eh, 'low it man.
349
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:47,520
Eh, put it down!
350
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:48,880
- Hey Curtis.
351
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:52,760
Wagwan?
352
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:56,440
I feel like she's ripped out my
guts and shat on my heart, bruv.
353
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:58,400
Victoria?
354
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:00,400
I caught her in bed
with another guy.
355
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,280
And a girl. And the girl's mum.
356
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,320
And she was like, 'Sorry,' and
then gave me this keepsake.
357
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,040
What do I want with some picture
that looks like a kid did it?
358
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,560
I wish I had a
picture of Eleasha.
359
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,520
I get it now, bruv.
360
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,640
Why you were chasing me
down, trying to kill me.
361
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,880
It's because it hurt you
that I slept with your girl.
362
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:24,400
Wait.
363
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,760
So you did sleep with Eleasha?
364
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,200
Did I say sleep with? Nah, I
meant slept next to her, bruv.
365
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,400
Bruv, I swear down
I'm gonna kill you!
366
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,640
It's all kicking off
up there-, Curtis!
367
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,560
I swear I didn't touch the man.
368
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,640
We're losing him.
369
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,560
G&Ts all round.
370
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:45,800
Yeah, yeah, sweet.
371
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,520
We were just bonding, she
was showing me her-,
372
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,840
Feet. So pretty!
373
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,200
We were just having a
girly talk and Nicola's worried
374
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,880
she might not have told you the
truth about how you two came
to-,
375
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:57,640
She's teasing!
376
00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,880
Er, what's going on?
377
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,160
She-, I'm-,
378
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,200
Nothing.
379
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,360
We've gotta get back right now.
380
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:08,760
Curtis is dying!
381
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,960
Shit. Right. Well, this is it.
382
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:13,880
This is goodbye, Nick.
383
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,480
Good luck with
your one-bed shack
384
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,960
and your virgin wife who I
hope doesn't die in childbirth,
385
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,680
and your kids who I hope
don't die of polio,
386
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,560
and yourself who I hope
doesn't die from a prolapsed
anus
387
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,760
while shitting to
death on a bucket.
388
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,320
You can't die from shitting.
389
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:30,720
My uncle did.
390
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:31,960
What?
391
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,560
I nursed him to death. But
don't worry, I'll nurse you too.
392
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,400
I'll hold your hand
and sing to you
393
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,640
while I sluice your anus
with a vinegar enema.
394
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:43,720
We gotta go!
395
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,680
Nick! Nicholas!
396
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:50,960
Look, baby nose, as much as I
love our new life and our home,
397
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,000
I think you'd love my
old home so much more.
398
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,480
I mean, that speech
wasn't really for her.
399
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,480
She is my wife!
400
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:05,120
Er, there's free healthcare,
basic sanitation, and racial
equality laws.
401
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:10,640
There's fried chicken shops on
every corner, Boris bikes,
contactless.
402
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,120
Honey eyes, it's incredible!
403
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,120
Angel lips,
404
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,160
it sounds wonderful!
405
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,880
(laughter)
406
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,480
Ah, let's get out
of this shithole!
407
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,120
My stolen stuff, it's
been fucking stolen!
408
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,480
Let's go, people! Home time!
409
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:37,400
What's that?
410
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,640
It's that shit picture
Pablo did of Victoria.
411
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:40,960
I don't even want it.
412
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:41,920
I'll have it.
413
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,120
Hey Homeless Pete!
414
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,440
Just in time, mate.
415
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,760
Thanks for this, for Nicola.
416
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,120
So you know?
417
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:03,880
Know what?
418
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,640
About her being a sex worker?
419
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,640
I meant you teaching
me to be the new Nick.
420
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:08,840
Sorry, who's a sex worker?
421
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,360
So that's what you meant when
you said you bought Nicola for
Nick?
422
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:13,600
Duh!
423
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,520
Did my sister pay you
to have sex with me?
424
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,520
I would have told you
one day, I swear!
425
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,960
What happened to
your sexy accent?
426
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,400
It comes and goes.
427
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,080
Argh!
428
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:34,080
[NICK] That was a waste of time.
429
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,040
[JASON] Don't worry mate, I
probably would have slept with
her anyway.
430
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,400
[NICK] Let's just go home.
431
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:44,880
Where's Homeless Pete?
432
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,640
[JASON] 21st century,
here we come!
433
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:01,960
(lift bell rings)
434
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,000
Welcome... to Jurassic Park.
435
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,920
(dinosaur roars)
436
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,480
Arghh!
31910
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