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1
00:00:04,908 --> 00:00:08,042
- sync and corrections by Mr. C -
- www.addic7ed.com -
2
00:00:08,272 --> 00:00:11,172
Selina: You know how much I
love the size of your jet,
3
00:00:11,174 --> 00:00:13,041
and... oh, my God, what?
4
00:00:13,043 --> 00:00:16,011
What is this weather? Why doesn't
everybody just go to St. Bart's?
5
00:00:16,013 --> 00:00:18,179
I miss it already. It was so romantic.
6
00:00:18,181 --> 00:00:20,682
- Just the two of us.
- (both moan)
7
00:00:20,684 --> 00:00:22,984
- And Gary.
- Gary: So passionate.
8
00:00:22,986 --> 00:00:24,252
It's just what I needed, you know?
9
00:00:24,254 --> 00:00:26,087
That ocean air and the
crystal blue water.
10
00:00:26,089 --> 00:00:28,122
Oh, and not to mention
the topless beach.
11
00:00:28,124 --> 00:00:29,890
I didn't see anything.
12
00:00:29,892 --> 00:00:31,925
- Selina: Next time, I wanna stay longer.
- Hello, ma'am.
13
00:00:31,927 --> 00:00:34,162
- Hello, Marjorie.
- I'm sorry to be so hysterical,
14
00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:36,264
- but we have a situation.
- What are you talking about?
15
00:00:36,266 --> 00:00:39,233
Catherine's on bed rest. She's been
diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.
16
00:00:39,235 --> 00:00:42,102
Well, why should her cervix be any
different than the rest of her?
17
00:00:42,104 --> 00:00:43,737
Hi, Mom. Hi, Jaffar.
18
00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:46,373
Before you even ask, we have
taken a break from sex,
19
00:00:46,375 --> 00:00:47,841
specifically penetrative sex.
20
00:00:47,843 --> 00:00:49,643
- She has a penis?
- I don't know.
21
00:00:49,645 --> 00:00:51,344
Honey, what are you doing here?
22
00:00:51,346 --> 00:00:52,946
Well, yeah, I'm on bed rest
23
00:00:52,948 --> 00:00:55,182
so that the stitches don't
get ripped out of my cervix.
24
00:00:55,184 --> 00:00:56,616
- (all groan)
- Oh, my gosh.
25
00:00:56,618 --> 00:00:59,386
Well, this isn't bed rest,
this is couch rest.
26
00:00:59,388 --> 00:01:02,322
Did you put a towel or
anything underneath her?
27
00:01:02,324 --> 00:01:04,658
Because, girls, this is
imported French linen.
28
00:01:04,660 --> 00:01:07,093
- Maybe a waterproof tarp.
- Yes, actually,
29
00:01:07,095 --> 00:01:09,296
or even a garbage bag, you
know, in case she leaks.
30
00:01:09,298 --> 00:01:11,731
- Special delivery! Advance copies.
- Selina: Really?!
31
00:01:11,733 --> 00:01:13,733
- My book, my book, my book!
- Mike: Fresh off the presses.
32
00:01:13,735 --> 00:01:16,336
- Finally getting paid.
- Well, we'll see.
33
00:01:16,338 --> 00:01:17,937
- (gasps) No!
- Yeah.
34
00:01:17,939 --> 00:01:20,139
- Look how pretty!
- Oh, the prettiest!
35
00:01:20,141 --> 00:01:22,408
- "A Woman First: First Woman."
- Yeah.
36
00:01:22,410 --> 00:01:24,443
You could get murdered in my country
for saying something like that.
37
00:01:24,445 --> 00:01:26,012
- It's a bit of a pun.
- No, it's not.
38
00:01:26,014 --> 00:01:27,546
There's a typo on the first page.
39
00:01:27,548 --> 00:01:28,915
- What?
- The first sentence.
40
00:01:28,917 --> 00:01:31,017
"From the moment I entered
the the White House."
41
00:01:31,019 --> 00:01:32,618
- Is that a pun?
- Well, that's on you, Amy,
42
00:01:32,620 --> 00:01:34,186
because you were in charge of the book.
43
00:01:34,188 --> 00:01:35,854
- That's copy editing.
- Congratulations again, Amy.
44
00:01:35,856 --> 00:01:38,056
Richard! So glad to see you.
I missed you.
45
00:01:38,058 --> 00:01:40,992
Ah, welcome back, ma'am. Also,
Ambassador,
ahlan wa sahlan.
46
00:01:40,994 --> 00:01:43,462
(speaking native language)
47
00:01:43,464 --> 00:01:45,130
(laughs) Now that's a pun!
48
00:01:45,132 --> 00:01:47,266
Ma'am, you are confirmed
for tomorrow night
49
00:01:47,268 --> 00:01:49,034
for "The Tonight Show" to
kick off the book tour.
50
00:01:49,036 --> 00:01:50,802
- Yeah.
- Which, again, is tomorrow night,
51
00:01:50,804 --> 00:01:52,570
- not tonight, despite the title.
- Okay.
52
00:01:52,572 --> 00:01:54,639
And you're doing the "Today"
show one week from yesterday.
53
00:01:54,641 --> 00:01:56,141
Wow, that smells good. What is that?
54
00:01:56,143 --> 00:01:57,876
Oh, it's Catherine's uterine tea.
55
00:01:57,878 --> 00:01:59,911
Catherine: Yeah, it's a broth
of red raspberry leaf,
56
00:01:59,913 --> 00:02:02,047
black haw, and false unicorn root.
57
00:02:02,049 --> 00:02:03,882
I hope that's going in your mouth.
58
00:02:03,884 --> 00:02:06,351
Whatever happened to half a bottle of
red wine and three Virginia Slims?
59
00:02:06,353 --> 00:02:09,086
Ma'am, the producer of "The Tonight
Show" thought it would be fun if...
60
00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:10,955
No, you know what? Nothing's
fun on that show.
61
00:02:10,957 --> 00:02:12,757
I need to go and unpack.
62
00:02:12,759 --> 00:02:15,760
- All: Good night, ma'am.
- What? I'm not on bed rest.
63
00:02:15,762 --> 00:02:18,630
- My cervix is as tight as a snare drum.
- Oh, yes, it is.
64
00:02:18,632 --> 00:02:21,031
I'm not mentioned in this
book until page 134.
65
00:02:21,033 --> 00:02:24,068
I once dry-shaved that woman's legs
66
00:02:24,070 --> 00:02:26,003
under her desk during a cabinet meeting.
67
00:02:26,005 --> 00:02:28,305
Yeah, I'm not in there till
213, and I wrote the book.
68
00:02:28,307 --> 00:02:31,608
(gasps) Ooh, page 93, suckers!
69
00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:36,680
"As Gary poured my tea, I realized the
hostages..." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
70
00:02:36,682 --> 00:02:38,382
- Oh, yes!
- Amy: How about you, Richard?
71
00:02:38,384 --> 00:02:40,384
-
Did you make the book?
- Just the dedication.
72
00:02:40,386 --> 00:02:42,519
Kent: Congressman, I put
up all your flyers.
73
00:02:42,521 --> 00:02:43,720
Ooh, hey, fantastic...
74
00:02:43,722 --> 00:02:46,456
Oh, God damn it, this
office sucks my nard!
75
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:49,793
A punishment from Congressman Furlong
and the speaker and the president.
76
00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:52,028
An astonishing bipartisan agreement.
77
00:02:52,030 --> 00:02:54,030
Some interesting reading arrived.
78
00:02:54,032 --> 00:02:56,332
- No such thing.
-
Well, President Meyer's book.
79
00:02:56,334 --> 00:02:58,935
-
Take a look.
- All right, let's see if I'm in here.
80
00:02:58,937 --> 00:03:02,071
- Jordan, jobs...
- Try Ryan.
81
00:03:02,073 --> 00:03:03,739
I know, Kent. I was looking up jobs
82
00:03:03,741 --> 00:03:05,608
because they're important
to the American people.
83
00:03:05,610 --> 00:03:10,814
- R-Y-A...
- I know how to spell my last name, Kent.
84
00:03:10,816 --> 00:03:13,015
Are you fucking kidding?
I'm not in here.
85
00:03:13,017 --> 00:03:15,217
I ruined her administration,
like, four times.
86
00:03:15,219 --> 00:03:16,786
You'd think that'd count for something.
87
00:03:16,788 --> 00:03:19,522
- Are you in here?
- 12 mentions. Adequate.
88
00:03:19,524 --> 00:03:21,056
Jonah, I just saw the latest polls.
89
00:03:21,058 --> 00:03:23,793
The shutdown really hurt you
in Massachusetts' anus.
90
00:03:23,795 --> 00:03:25,628
AKA New Hampshire.
91
00:03:25,630 --> 00:03:27,262
You're only up by five points
92
00:03:27,264 --> 00:03:28,831
in your reelection against
Selectman Di Vicentis
93
00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:30,365
when you should be up by 20 points.
94
00:03:30,367 --> 00:03:32,367
Whoa, I'm only up five on Skeevy Deevy?
95
00:03:32,369 --> 00:03:34,102
I went to summer camp with that dude
96
00:03:34,104 --> 00:03:36,404
and he was too afraid to get changed
in front of the other boys.
97
00:03:36,406 --> 00:03:39,407
- I thought that was you.
- No, I'm pretty sure it was him.
98
00:03:39,409 --> 00:03:40,059
It was you.
99
00:03:40,061 --> 00:03:42,009
How do you know, Kent? Were
you at that summer camp?
100
00:03:42,012 --> 00:03:43,946
- Tanz:
Ah, there he is.
- Oh, hello, sir.
101
00:03:43,948 --> 00:03:44,564
God!
102
00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:46,414
Jonah, my boy, I've
come to say farewell.
103
00:03:46,416 --> 00:03:48,082
I'm pulling all my financial support...
104
00:03:48,084 --> 00:03:50,318
the PACs, the reelection
committees, everything.
105
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:53,355
I suppose I should've hired some
goons to kick the shit out of you,
106
00:03:53,357 --> 00:03:54,956
but you're dating my daughter, so.
107
00:03:54,958 --> 00:03:56,491
- Dad.
- I know I've had some setbacks...
108
00:03:56,493 --> 00:03:57,659
No, no, don't take it so hard!
109
00:03:57,661 --> 00:03:59,494
Come on, Shawnee, let's boogie.
110
00:03:59,496 --> 00:04:00,895
No, you don't tell me what to do.
111
00:04:00,897 --> 00:04:02,696
I'm not one of your precious inmates.
112
00:04:02,698 --> 00:04:04,832
- I'm staying with Jonah.
- You are?
113
00:04:04,834 --> 00:04:06,968
- Are you pregnant?
- No, I'm not pregnant.
114
00:04:06,970 --> 00:04:07,901
All: Oh, thank God.
115
00:04:07,904 --> 00:04:10,304
I thought we'd wait
till we bought a house.
116
00:04:10,306 --> 00:04:12,806
If you stay with him, you're cut off.
117
00:04:12,808 --> 00:04:14,608
- Okay.
- If you change your mind before dinner,
118
00:04:14,610 --> 00:04:16,610
we're having Peking Gourmet.
119
00:04:16,612 --> 00:04:18,945
I'm not coming, but order me some
slippery shrimp just in case.
120
00:04:18,947 --> 00:04:19,680
(sighs)
121
00:04:19,683 --> 00:04:21,882
Babe, did you give up
your inheritance for me?
122
00:04:21,884 --> 00:04:24,451
Are you out of your fucking mind?
I still have my trust.
123
00:04:24,453 --> 00:04:26,820
- Oh, money!
- We're moving the wedding up.
124
00:04:26,822 --> 00:04:29,723
Just as soon as you
finish your conversion.
125
00:04:29,725 --> 00:04:31,925
- Mazel tov.
- Oh, thanks, Kent.
126
00:04:31,927 --> 00:04:35,195
God... motherfucker!
127
00:04:35,197 --> 00:04:37,330
Okay, I'm gonna get you a bike helmet.
128
00:04:37,332 --> 00:04:40,200
I don't need a bike helmet!
129
00:04:40,202 --> 00:04:42,269
God damn it, ow!
130
00:04:42,271 --> 00:04:45,605
As you may have heard,
today marks my departure
131
00:04:45,607 --> 00:04:47,473
from the "CBS Morning
Show with Dan Egan."
132
00:04:47,475 --> 00:04:49,342
But you'll still be
able to find me weekly
133
00:04:49,344 --> 00:04:51,511
on our CBS digital platforms.
134
00:04:51,513 --> 00:04:53,245
- Podcast.
- What?
135
00:04:53,247 --> 00:04:55,581
Well, most importantly, I
hope that you've cherished...
136
00:04:55,583 --> 00:04:57,583
- our time together.
- I'm... I'm sorry, Danny.
137
00:04:57,585 --> 00:05:00,152
- Stevie says we've gotta wrap it up.
- Brie: Yeah.
138
00:05:01,456 --> 00:05:03,956
Okay, well, then to Brie.
139
00:05:03,958 --> 00:05:07,226
Thank you, Brie, you know, for
everything that we've shared,
140
00:05:07,228 --> 00:05:10,796
- both on and off camera.
- Oh.
141
00:05:10,798 --> 00:05:13,865
And to Jane, incredible.
Absolutely incredible.
142
00:05:13,867 --> 00:05:16,735
I mean, you've been with this
network for how many decades now?
143
00:05:16,737 --> 00:05:18,971
I mean, Jane... I will always remember
144
00:05:18,973 --> 00:05:21,373
Jane covering the moon landing.
145
00:05:21,375 --> 00:05:23,275
I mean, I studied that footage.
146
00:05:23,277 --> 00:05:25,076
- That beautiful black and white stuff.
- Before me.
147
00:05:25,078 --> 00:05:26,674
It was just fantast...
well, regardless...
148
00:05:26,677 --> 00:05:27,245
Danny boy.
149
00:05:27,247 --> 00:05:30,181
- Jane, you are historic.
- Thank you.
150
00:05:30,183 --> 00:05:32,651
Be sure to join us starting tomorrow
151
00:05:32,653 --> 00:05:35,887
for "CBS This Morning
with Jane and Brie."
152
00:05:35,889 --> 00:05:37,823
Girl power.
153
00:05:37,825 --> 00:05:41,159
- We'll see...
- We'll see you in the tomorrow.
154
00:05:41,161 --> 00:05:44,128
And we're clear. Great job, everybody.
Good job, Jane.
155
00:05:44,130 --> 00:05:47,265
Okay, well, what do you say
we let bygones be bygones
156
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:50,301
- and have some goodbye cake?
- I told them you didn't want cake.
157
00:05:50,303 --> 00:05:52,603
Oh, my God, I love this!
158
00:05:52,605 --> 00:05:55,906
They started demo at Mee-Maw's
for the birthplace and library,
159
00:05:55,908 --> 00:05:57,641
and the contractor sent
me this video link.
160
00:05:57,643 --> 00:06:00,110
Look at this. I could
watch this all day.
161
00:06:00,112 --> 00:06:01,411
- What?
-
Nothing.
162
00:06:01,413 --> 00:06:02,613
Catherine, I can't repeat myself
163
00:06:02,615 --> 00:06:04,214
every five seconds for your amusement.
164
00:06:04,216 --> 00:06:06,617
- Isn't that good?
- Ooh, "Tonight Show" dresses.
165
00:06:06,619 --> 00:06:09,419
- Look how pretty.
- You think it's too low-cut?
166
00:06:09,421 --> 00:06:10,955
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
167
00:06:10,957 --> 00:06:13,423
Ma'am, I'm leaving. Take
good care of Catherine.
168
00:06:13,425 --> 00:06:15,225
- Who is she talking to?
- I don't know.
169
00:06:15,227 --> 00:06:16,994
- Ma'am, um...
- Ahem, yeah?
170
00:06:16,996 --> 00:06:21,731
the "Washington Post" is running
an exposé on your term in office.
171
00:06:21,733 --> 00:06:22,692
Is it bad?
172
00:06:22,693 --> 00:06:25,568
Can I have a drink? I
feel a little dehydrated.
173
00:06:25,570 --> 00:06:28,638
It's kind of like the wave
in "The Perfect Storm,"
174
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:32,208
except in this case, the
wave is made out of shit
175
00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:34,477
and our boat is also made out of shit.
176
00:06:34,479 --> 00:06:36,345
It's Leon West.
177
00:06:36,347 --> 00:06:37,881
Fuck.
178
00:06:37,883 --> 00:06:39,248
What does it say?
179
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:41,350
"Ignoring the advice of
experienced staffers,
180
00:06:41,352 --> 00:06:44,020
Meyer instead sought the counsel
of a high school drop-out,
181
00:06:44,022 --> 00:06:46,589
her personal trainer and
lover, Ray Whelan."
182
00:06:46,591 --> 00:06:48,257
He had a GED, guys.
183
00:06:48,259 --> 00:06:50,792
Oh, my God, they're
talking about my eye job?
184
00:06:50,794 --> 00:06:52,961
- (Gary gasps)
- Chinese cover-up over the tweet.
185
00:06:52,963 --> 00:06:54,330
This isn't an article,
186
00:06:54,332 --> 00:06:57,333
this is a gang bang
on a pinball machine!
187
00:06:57,335 --> 00:06:59,768
Who despises me like this?!
188
00:06:59,770 --> 00:07:02,038
Well, there's President
Montez, Tom James...
189
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,605
The White House maids, the steward.
190
00:07:03,607 --> 00:07:06,008
- White working class voters.
- Nobody!
191
00:07:06,010 --> 00:07:08,176
- Everybody loves you!
- Shut up!
192
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:10,311
Can somebody carry me to the bathroom?
193
00:07:10,313 --> 00:07:13,181
Ma'am, there's a remote possibility...
194
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:16,184
- a while back, I was working on this humor column...
- No, don't, Mike.
195
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:19,421
- Leon West has Mike's diary!
- Amy, you promised!
196
00:07:19,423 --> 00:07:22,323
What? What, Mike?
197
00:07:22,325 --> 00:07:26,627
What have you and your 47
tangled chromosomes done?!
198
00:07:26,629 --> 00:07:28,163
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am.
199
00:07:28,165 --> 00:07:30,065
I should've gotten a diary
with a little lock on it,
200
00:07:30,067 --> 00:07:31,799
but I didn't wanna lock myself out.
201
00:07:31,801 --> 00:07:34,235
- How long have you known about this?
- Since Alabama.
202
00:07:34,237 --> 00:07:35,991
But to be fair, we thought
we were on top of it.
203
00:07:35,993 --> 00:07:36,671
We did, ma'am.
204
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:39,006
Oh, really? Well, now
it's on top of you,
205
00:07:39,008 --> 00:07:42,777
it's knocked your teeth out, and
it's making sweet love to your face!
206
00:07:42,779 --> 00:07:45,345
We don't know my diary is the source.
207
00:07:45,347 --> 00:07:47,014
Well, there's scans of
it on the WaPo website.
208
00:07:47,016 --> 00:07:49,116
- Oh, God.
- It's crystal clear.
209
00:07:49,118 --> 00:07:51,441
God, get out of here,
you great walrus Judas!
210
00:07:51,443 --> 00:07:52,653
I'm gone, I'm gone.
211
00:07:52,655 --> 00:07:55,155
Okay, Amy, you have to
call my lawyer right now,
212
00:07:55,157 --> 00:07:56,490
my lawyers, the whole firm.
213
00:07:56,492 --> 00:07:58,225
All right, we have to call Leon, too.
214
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:00,527
And, Mike, where the fuck
do you think you're going?!
215
00:08:00,529 --> 00:08:02,112
You need to get in touch
with Leon right now.
216
00:08:02,113 --> 00:08:02,662
Yes, ma'am.
217
00:08:02,664 --> 00:08:04,064
- Ooh.
- Ma'am, do you need to sit down?
218
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:06,300
I just feel a little woozy, okay?
219
00:08:06,302 --> 00:08:08,135
- I've got stomach cramps.
- Aw.
220
00:08:08,137 --> 00:08:09,803
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, what are you drinking?
221
00:08:09,805 --> 00:08:12,005
This is Catherine's tea
for her underparts.
222
00:08:12,007 --> 00:08:15,108
- Catherine:
What?
- It's the tea for your underparts!
223
00:08:15,110 --> 00:08:18,678
- Oh, my God. (retching)
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
224
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,081
- (vomiting)
- (whimpering)
225
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:23,116
- What time is "The Tonight Show"?
- Call time is 3:30.
226
00:08:23,118 --> 00:08:25,218
I'm fine. It's okay, I'm fine.
227
00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:28,321
- I'm... (vomiting)
- Ah, ah!
228
00:08:28,323 --> 00:08:30,789
Oh, dang! What's up, white boys?
229
00:08:30,791 --> 00:08:32,791
Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock?
230
00:08:32,793 --> 00:08:34,927
- Gellardi, hit me, I'm open.
- What are you doing here, Congressman?
231
00:08:34,929 --> 00:08:37,997
I started up a basketball league
to endear myself to you assholes.
232
00:08:37,999 --> 00:08:39,698
We have a league. We play
here every Tuesday night.
233
00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:41,601
You guys can join my league.
How about that?
234
00:08:41,603 --> 00:08:44,136
- We don't want to.
- I don't give a fuck what you want!
235
00:08:44,138 --> 00:08:46,639
I have your ball, so you
have to join my league.
236
00:08:46,641 --> 00:08:49,174
I get first pick, and I pick Graves.
237
00:08:49,176 --> 00:08:51,443
Oh, really? Why are you picking me?
238
00:08:51,445 --> 00:08:53,211
Because you're so tall.
239
00:08:53,213 --> 00:08:57,315
Oh, God, who the fuck
invited Dikembe Mutomtard?
240
00:08:57,317 --> 00:08:59,684
A little word of advice,
Congressman, don't wear the shorts.
241
00:08:59,686 --> 00:09:01,819
Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't
rape you in those things.
242
00:09:01,821 --> 00:09:04,822
Oh, lookie here, we got old Jesus
243
00:09:04,824 --> 00:09:07,291
with a camel toe and his
child molester goggles
244
00:09:07,293 --> 00:09:09,193
and the headband, of course,
245
00:09:09,195 --> 00:09:10,695
'cause you don't want the
sweat getting in your eyes
246
00:09:10,697 --> 00:09:12,396
when you're choking them out afterwards.
247
00:09:12,398 --> 00:09:13,731
Congressman Ryan took our ball.
248
00:09:13,733 --> 00:09:15,900
- Oh, shut up, narc!
- You shut up!
249
00:09:15,902 --> 00:09:18,836
All right, Will, take the
ball and tell 'em why.
250
00:09:18,838 --> 00:09:21,272
Balls are the only thing keeping
me from choking on cocks.
251
00:09:21,274 --> 00:09:25,709
Without balls, I'd be swallowing
dicks whole just like Joey Chestnut.
252
00:09:25,711 --> 00:09:28,912
- I'm sorry, Jonah, but I'm gonna...
- (grunts)
253
00:09:28,914 --> 00:09:29,798
Foul. Foul.
254
00:09:29,799 --> 00:09:32,449
Doctor says I gotta play
20 minutes every day,
255
00:09:32,451 --> 00:09:33,950
so get the fuck off our court.
256
00:09:33,952 --> 00:09:35,686
- Ball in.
- Let's go, Congressman.
257
00:09:35,688 --> 00:09:37,054
Wanna play a game of Horse?
258
00:09:37,056 --> 00:09:38,321
Yes, I would like that very much.
259
00:09:41,193 --> 00:09:43,794
- Boom goes the dynamite.
- You're fired.
260
00:09:43,796 --> 00:09:45,562
Yes!
261
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:51,234
Amy:
Ma'am, "The Tonight Show"
is ripshit because you canceled.
262
00:09:51,236 --> 00:09:55,738
I just got a lecture from a 22-year-old
piss twat with a SUNY Binghamton degree
263
00:09:55,740 --> 00:09:57,574
who says that she thinks
that you chickened out
264
00:09:57,576 --> 00:09:58,874
because of the "Post" article.
265
00:09:58,876 --> 00:10:01,077
Just call her back and
rebook the whole thing.
266
00:10:01,079 --> 00:10:01,713
No, you have...
267
00:10:01,714 --> 00:10:03,613
Okay, look, this is all
about damage control, Amy.
268
00:10:03,615 --> 00:10:08,918
My presidency just got caught with a
tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard,
269
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,553
and I have to make America think
270
00:10:11,555 --> 00:10:13,355
that I was just giving her a ride home.
271
00:10:13,357 --> 00:10:15,324
- Right? Right.
- Mike:
Very smart, ma'am.
272
00:10:15,326 --> 00:10:17,593
Actually, I did write a zinger for
"The Tonight Show" about Ray.
273
00:10:17,595 --> 00:10:23,232
"In sleeping with my trainer, I think you
could say I did not exercise good judgment."
274
00:10:23,234 --> 00:10:26,235
Okay, I am not gonna say
that joke to Johnny.
275
00:10:26,237 --> 00:10:27,902
- I mean...
- Uh, ma'am, Johnny...
276
00:10:27,904 --> 00:10:30,805
Ma'am, Leon West is here for
your double secret meeting.
277
00:10:30,807 --> 00:10:33,634
Okay, you know what?
Let's make him wait.
278
00:10:33,635 --> 00:10:34,577
Yeah!
279
00:10:34,578 --> 00:10:35,428
Okay.
280
00:10:35,430 --> 00:10:37,979
And maybe give him some of
that lesbian cooze potion.
281
00:10:37,981 --> 00:10:39,748
Okay, I think all we have
is Diet Coke in the fridge.
282
00:10:39,750 --> 00:10:42,183
Okay, they should not be allowed
to call that stuff tea.
283
00:10:42,185 --> 00:10:44,385
- That's what I think.
- (both chuckling)
284
00:10:44,387 --> 00:10:48,723
You know what I think? You sound like
the world's gayest AM radio show.
285
00:10:48,725 --> 00:10:52,393
Now, guys, what is our move with Leon?
286
00:10:52,395 --> 00:10:54,629
- Well, he really likes Amy.
- Amy who?
287
00:10:54,631 --> 00:10:56,931
Ew! No!
288
00:10:56,933 --> 00:10:58,791
She's all over his diary.
She's in every page.
289
00:10:58,793 --> 00:10:59,700
You're kidding me.
290
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,969
- No!
- Amy, Amy.
291
00:11:01,971 --> 00:11:04,071
(scoffs) Come on, nobody's asking you
292
00:11:04,073 --> 00:11:07,375
to engage in some sort of
human pleasurable activity.
293
00:11:07,377 --> 00:11:09,610
- I know that's not your bag.
- Okay.
294
00:11:09,612 --> 00:11:10,246
So, then what...
295
00:11:10,247 --> 00:11:12,146
But perhaps maybe you could
flirt a little with him.
296
00:11:12,148 --> 00:11:14,582
I don't know if that's something
that you're actually able to do.
297
00:11:14,584 --> 00:11:17,571
Yes, of course, I can
be very flirtatious.
298
00:11:17,573 --> 00:11:18,753
(door opens)
299
00:11:18,754 --> 00:11:19,654
Nope.
300
00:11:19,656 --> 00:11:22,355
Ma'am, Leon West says he knows
you're just making him wait.
301
00:11:22,357 --> 00:11:24,024
- Okay, just send him in.
-
Okay.
302
00:11:24,026 --> 00:11:25,793
One of these days, she's
gonna make that face
303
00:11:25,795 --> 00:11:28,162
and that eyeball of hers is gonna
pop out and shoot across the room.
304
00:11:28,164 --> 00:11:29,696
- Yeah. Boing!
- I know it.
305
00:11:29,698 --> 00:11:31,464
- Leon West, ma'am.
-
Ah, Leon!
306
00:11:31,466 --> 00:11:34,000
Woodward minus Bernstein plus Propecia.
307
00:11:34,002 --> 00:11:34,694
Ooh.
308
00:11:34,696 --> 00:11:36,770
This entire conversation
is off the record.
309
00:11:36,772 --> 00:11:41,107
You are going to retract every
word this very nanosecond.
310
00:11:41,109 --> 00:11:42,252
Otherwise, I'm gonna sue you.
311
00:11:42,253 --> 00:11:44,144
I'm curious, you're
gonna sue us for what?
312
00:11:44,145 --> 00:11:46,913
Because this is public
interest and fair use.
313
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,981
Oh, I'd love to know how my eye job...
314
00:11:48,983 --> 00:11:51,350
- Which never happened.
- which never happened, by the way,
315
00:11:51,352 --> 00:11:52,618
is in the public interest.
316
00:11:52,620 --> 00:11:54,586
Now, I've got you on the hook
317
00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:56,488
for defamation, libel,
318
00:11:56,490 --> 00:12:00,693
and, if I remember my law school
tort professor correctly,
319
00:12:00,695 --> 00:12:02,895
and I do 'cause I slept
with him for two years...
320
00:12:02,897 --> 00:12:05,431
- Still off the record.
- invasion of privacy.
321
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,599
You can go ahead. We're
the "Washington Post"
322
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:10,436
and we have been sued by better
terrible presidents than you.
323
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:11,937
- Name one.
- Okay, you know what I want?
324
00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:14,373
I want this room, okay? Everybody out.
325
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:16,826
Are there any nibbles
on that Dave Barry...
326
00:12:16,828 --> 00:12:17,644
Mike!
327
00:12:18,879 --> 00:12:21,279
- Get!
- Shh.
328
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:24,415
What do you want?
329
00:12:25,785 --> 00:12:28,086
I think the Pulitzer I'm
going to get from this
330
00:12:28,088 --> 00:12:30,755
is good enough for me, so good evening.
331
00:12:30,757 --> 00:12:34,226
- You can have Amy.
- Wait, I don't understand.
332
00:12:34,228 --> 00:12:36,561
You can have her.
333
00:12:39,199 --> 00:12:41,966
Probably better from behind, though,
334
00:12:41,968 --> 00:12:43,100
you know...
335
00:12:47,206 --> 00:12:48,939
Good evening.
336
00:12:48,941 --> 00:12:51,576
Yeah, I don't blame you.
337
00:12:51,578 --> 00:12:53,878
Selina:
Can you stop blowing
on my legs like that?
338
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,747
- I'm drying the "glow-tion."
- Don't use the word "glow-tion."
339
00:12:56,749 --> 00:12:58,448
- Ma'am.
- What is it?
340
00:12:58,450 --> 00:13:01,752
Oh, my God, Amy, you are making
that terrible, terrible news face.
341
00:13:01,754 --> 00:13:03,453
You're gonna throw your
neck out, you know?
342
00:13:03,455 --> 00:13:05,055
What is it? Is it Leon West?
343
00:13:05,057 --> 00:13:07,824
- Is it a second diary dump?
- Oh, it is beyond a dump.
344
00:13:07,826 --> 00:13:09,559
It is a toxic infant blowout
345
00:13:09,561 --> 00:13:12,596
out both diaper legs and
up the back of the onesie.
346
00:13:12,598 --> 00:13:15,064
Did they mention the antique egg
that we stole from the Oval?
347
00:13:15,066 --> 00:13:15,858
You stole it.
348
00:13:15,860 --> 00:13:18,234
It's got the terrorist
drone assassination.
349
00:13:18,236 --> 00:13:19,770
- (gasps)
- Richard:
Well, that sounds bad.
350
00:13:19,772 --> 00:13:22,406
- The DRA guy?
- Yeah, and the Chinese.
351
00:13:22,408 --> 00:13:24,674
It's got the soldier whose leg you lost.
352
00:13:24,676 --> 00:13:26,376
Oh, my God, the lost leg. Ooh!
353
00:13:26,378 --> 00:13:28,578
Surrounded by Mike's poorly
drawn doodles of legs.
354
00:13:28,580 --> 00:13:30,679
- I'm sorry, Mike.
- It looks like arms.
355
00:13:30,681 --> 00:13:32,949
I'm better at arms. You should see the
page where I wrote about the arms dealer.
356
00:13:32,951 --> 00:13:34,384
Oh, my God!
357
00:13:34,386 --> 00:13:36,252
The Georgian election is here
358
00:13:36,254 --> 00:13:38,054
and all of that stuff about Murman?!
359
00:13:38,056 --> 00:13:38,956
Mm-hmm.
360
00:13:38,958 --> 00:13:41,657
Why do you work for me,
you stupid mustache?!
361
00:13:41,659 --> 00:13:44,360
We were telling so many lies, I had to
write them down to keep them straight.
362
00:13:44,362 --> 00:13:46,462
Any decent lawyer would've
told me to do that.
363
00:13:46,464 --> 00:13:49,164
Ma'am, they've got the data breach.
364
00:13:49,166 --> 00:13:51,934
- No.
- They know that you 100% knew
365
00:13:51,936 --> 00:13:55,438
about the mining of those dead kids'
social security and medical data.
366
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,005
I don't have a zinger for that one.
367
00:13:58,342 --> 00:13:59,842
Well, I could go to jail for that.
368
00:13:59,844 --> 00:14:01,977
- No.
- Well, I can't do the show.
369
00:14:01,979 --> 00:14:03,678
You guys have to get me out of here.
370
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,581
Madam President, we are all so
honored to have you on the show.
371
00:14:06,583 --> 00:14:09,484
I'm Bethany, and I'm gonna go over a few
rules of "What's in the Bag?" with you...
372
00:14:09,486 --> 00:14:11,886
Okay, look, Tiffany, I
am so happy to be here,
373
00:14:11,888 --> 00:14:14,156
but unfortunately, I've just
gotten this emergency call...
374
00:14:14,158 --> 00:14:16,158
- Pregnant daughter.
- from my pregnant daughter...
375
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,160
- The baby is in distress.
- and her baby is in such distress.
376
00:14:18,162 --> 00:14:20,495
- Is my baby okay?
- Come on, guys, we gotta go!
377
00:14:20,497 --> 00:14:21,529
She's gonna love these.
378
00:14:21,531 --> 00:14:23,998
By the way, what is in the bag?
379
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,204
(whispers) It's a copy
of the president's book.
380
00:14:26,205 --> 00:14:27,168
Ha, that's good.
381
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:30,972
I was a patsy, but to my knowledge,
this is just the tip of the iceberg.
382
00:14:30,974 --> 00:14:34,809
These revelations will continue to come
out in a steady drip, drip, drip...
383
00:14:34,811 --> 00:14:36,577
- Balls.
- like the leaky prison faucet
384
00:14:36,579 --> 00:14:37,945
I was forced to drink from.
385
00:14:37,947 --> 00:14:39,646
- Good evening, ma'am.
- (sighs)
386
00:14:39,648 --> 00:14:41,715
- Finally got Catherine down.
- I could never get her down.
387
00:14:41,717 --> 00:14:44,318
She was always so scared
about monsters everywhere,
388
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:48,389
you know, under her bed and behind
the curtain and in the closet.
389
00:14:48,391 --> 00:14:52,058
Although, actually, one time, Andrew did
hide one of his women in the closet,
390
00:14:52,060 --> 00:14:54,895
so she had reason to
be somewhat alarmed.
391
00:14:54,897 --> 00:14:58,031
- Why don't I join you in that nightcap?
- Uh, Gary?
392
00:14:58,033 --> 00:15:01,034
- I think I heard him leave.
- What? Oh, right.
393
00:15:01,036 --> 00:15:03,103
I don't think that there
are any clean glasses.
394
00:15:03,105 --> 00:15:06,406
- There's one here.
- Uh-huh, okay.
395
00:15:06,408 --> 00:15:07,975
- (liquid pouring)
- You know, ma'am,
396
00:15:07,977 --> 00:15:09,842
something I've always
wanted to tell you.
397
00:15:09,844 --> 00:15:11,711
You know what I love most
about your daughter?
398
00:15:11,713 --> 00:15:14,114
What's going on with the foundation?
399
00:15:14,116 --> 00:15:17,417
You know, I was thinking that I
might wanna become more involved.
400
00:15:17,419 --> 00:15:21,054
I could really use the cleansing
power of a charity right now.
401
00:15:21,056 --> 00:15:23,490
Well, it's been quite a year for
the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy,
402
00:15:23,492 --> 00:15:25,591
AIDS, the Advancement
of Global Democracy,
403
00:15:25,593 --> 00:15:27,927
Military Family Assistance,
and Childhood Obesity.
404
00:15:27,929 --> 00:15:29,862
- AIDS in particular has had...
- Wait, wait, hang on a second.
405
00:15:29,864 --> 00:15:32,364
What is that you just... what was
the thing that you just said?
406
00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:35,300
Childhood obesity. You sent me an
email about it last month at 4:00 AM.
407
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,269
I forgot. I was looking at
Catherine's baby pictures.
408
00:15:37,271 --> 00:15:40,439
I have to admit I was
skeptical about it at first,
409
00:15:40,441 --> 00:15:42,474
but the more I learned about those kids,
410
00:15:42,476 --> 00:15:45,244
I started to see that the problems
are not just physical problems...
411
00:15:45,246 --> 00:15:46,163
Yeah.
412
00:15:46,165 --> 00:15:48,914
that come with obesity...
the cancer, the diabetes...
413
00:15:48,916 --> 00:15:51,517
but also the emotional and
psychological problems...
414
00:15:51,519 --> 00:15:54,253
- the body dysmorphia...
- Yeah. Hey, Jaffar, it's me.
415
00:15:54,255 --> 00:15:56,406
-
so we started an
exciting new program...
416
00:15:56,407 --> 00:15:57,756
- Can you come and get me?
417
00:15:57,758 --> 00:16:00,025
we get the kids out
10 minutes a day...
418
00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,360
- Yeah, in 10 minutes would be good.
- It is good.
419
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:05,296
It is. It's a perfect amount of
time for a lot of these kids.
420
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,865
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
421
00:16:06,867 --> 00:16:08,800
Selina:
From the moment
I have left office,
422
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,835
it has been nothing but a giant slalom
423
00:16:10,837 --> 00:16:13,071
down Mount McRimjob, brown diamond.
424
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,239
I know, but in my mind, you
have nothing to be ashamed of.
425
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:18,376
You know, my uncle, he poisoned
an entire village with sarin gas.
426
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,462
Ooh, that is worse. Thank
you very much for that.
427
00:16:20,464 --> 00:16:21,546
Yeah, you're welcome.
428
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:24,115
I just wish we could leave
this country forever.
429
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:26,350
Why don't we,
eni?
430
00:16:26,352 --> 00:16:28,152
I mean, you've got nothing here.
431
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,720
- I've got Catherine, but, I mean...
- Let's just go.
432
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,755
I've got a plane that's
fully fueled always
433
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:35,459
- and ready to go at any moment.
- Why? Why is your plane always fueled?
434
00:16:35,461 --> 00:16:37,728
Well, you know, in case...
435
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:40,064
Let's just say that I've
got some cousins...
436
00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:41,431
- Yeah.
- who sometimes get very angry
437
00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:42,900
at some of your tall buildings.
438
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:45,135
(both laugh)
439
00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:47,170
Oh, God, you're making a joke, right?
440
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:48,671
- Yes. Yes.
- Yeah.
441
00:16:48,673 --> 00:16:52,075
Dipshit Mike and his shit-dip diary.
442
00:16:52,077 --> 00:16:53,810
"Amy committed perjury today,"
443
00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:55,979
written in crayon and mustard stains.
444
00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:59,616
- You gonna hire a lawyer?
- No, I'm thinking of pleading guilty.
445
00:16:59,618 --> 00:17:02,152
I wouldn't mind a little time in
prison, get away from my wife,
446
00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:05,554
- spend time with guys who get it.
- Yeah, learn a trade.
447
00:17:05,556 --> 00:17:07,156
All right, I gotta get up early,
448
00:17:07,158 --> 00:17:09,859
yammer my case to the morning TV yabbos.
449
00:17:09,861 --> 00:17:12,428
- No offense.
- Hey, none taken. Former yabbo.
450
00:17:12,430 --> 00:17:13,155
-
Bye, kids.
451
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:15,331
- What about you? What's
next for the great Dan Egan?
452
00:17:15,333 --> 00:17:17,533
- Any job leads?
- I thought about teaching high school,
453
00:17:17,535 --> 00:17:19,769
but, I mean, girls these days
just can't keep a secret.
454
00:17:19,771 --> 00:17:21,870
- You see Jane's up to her old tricks?
- Mm-mm.
455
00:17:21,872 --> 00:17:24,440
Yeah, she's telling Page Six that
she and Brie are clam slamming.
456
00:17:24,442 --> 00:17:26,275
Vaginas are so gross.
457
00:17:26,277 --> 00:17:28,210
I wish I didn't have one.
458
00:17:28,212 --> 00:17:29,612
Sometimes I forget I do.
459
00:17:29,614 --> 00:17:31,013
Yeah, yeah, we all do.
460
00:17:31,015 --> 00:17:32,314
Get you one more of these?
461
00:17:32,316 --> 00:17:34,883
I gotta get up in the morning, early,
462
00:17:34,885 --> 00:17:36,718
'cause Selina's...
463
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,054
- Yeah, make it a double.
- Atta girl.
464
00:17:39,056 --> 00:17:41,056
Jaffar:
So, we will go to Paris first.
465
00:17:41,058 --> 00:17:41,508
Goody!
466
00:17:41,510 --> 00:17:42,858
We'll figure out where
we wanna go next.
467
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:45,260
Hey, listen, can you call somebody
to bring me some fresh towels?
468
00:17:45,262 --> 00:17:48,263
- More towels? How many towels are you...
-
Yes, I need them.
469
00:17:48,265 --> 00:17:50,298
Breaking news from the
"Washington Post."
470
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:52,600
Buried among many new scandalous acts
471
00:17:52,602 --> 00:17:54,469
-
from the Meyer Presidency...
- Oh, no.
472
00:17:54,471 --> 00:17:57,972
comes the revelation that
it was President Selina Meyer
473
00:17:57,974 --> 00:18:00,542
and not President Laura Montez
474
00:18:00,544 --> 00:18:03,678
who negotiated with the Chinese
president to free Tibet.
475
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,713
- Jaffar!
- Sources close to...
476
00:18:05,715 --> 00:18:07,448
- What is the matter? What's going on?
- No, no, look!
477
00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:10,284
They know! They finally know it's me!
478
00:18:10,286 --> 00:18:12,319
- Oh, my gosh!
- Yeah!
479
00:18:12,321 --> 00:18:15,790
Well, the history books
are being rewritten,
480
00:18:15,792 --> 00:18:19,960
and this time, it's not Texas
saying Satan made fossils.
481
00:18:19,962 --> 00:18:21,395
Yes, he did.
482
00:18:21,397 --> 00:18:23,097
- What?
- Ma'am, it is everywhere!
483
00:18:23,099 --> 00:18:25,833
This is the best day we've had
since I started working for you.
484
00:18:25,835 --> 00:18:28,268
I guess it was actually
good I lost the diary.
485
00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:30,904
Ma'am, we're getting requests for
confirmation from all the big Tibetan papers,
486
00:18:30,906 --> 00:18:32,439
except for the "Lhasa Express," though.
487
00:18:32,441 --> 00:18:33,740
They're playing their usual games.
488
00:18:33,742 --> 00:18:35,108
- Well, whatever.
- This is amazing.
489
00:18:35,110 --> 00:18:37,244
Nobody is talking about
any of the other stuff!
490
00:18:37,246 --> 00:18:41,114
God bless the media and their "fly
hitting a windshield" attention span!
491
00:18:41,116 --> 00:18:44,517
- Mike: I know!
- Leon West is on "CBS This Morning" right now.
492
00:18:44,519 --> 00:18:46,385
Selina:
Oh, my God, put
it on really quick.
493
00:18:46,387 --> 00:18:50,122
Even you would admit that
freeing Tibet from Chinese rule
494
00:18:50,124 --> 00:18:51,623
is a monumental achievement.
495
00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:53,491
- Yes, it was.
- Leon:
No, that was a fluke.
496
00:18:53,493 --> 00:18:56,061
That was a success despite an
almost pathological level...
497
00:18:56,063 --> 00:18:58,589
President Meyer's discretion
speaks well of her.
498
00:18:58,591 --> 00:18:59,431
Yeah!
499
00:18:59,433 --> 00:19:01,800
Take that cum shot in
all four eyes, Leon.
500
00:19:01,802 --> 00:19:03,468
You should've taken Amy and walked away.
501
00:19:03,470 --> 00:19:04,870
- Hmm?
- Nothing.
502
00:19:04,872 --> 00:19:07,339
If she were a man, you would
call that confidence.
503
00:19:07,341 --> 00:19:09,941
Yeah, tell it, sister!
Kick him in the cunt.
504
00:19:09,943 --> 00:19:12,143
I adore Jane McCabe.
505
00:19:13,247 --> 00:19:15,647
a heroine for our times.
506
00:19:15,649 --> 00:19:17,382
Montez is not gonna be happy.
507
00:19:17,384 --> 00:19:19,251
It's gonna put a real
turd in her chalupa.
508
00:19:19,253 --> 00:19:21,319
Oh, we should get Mexican for lunch.
509
00:19:21,321 --> 00:19:23,587
President Meyer's office. Yale
University president's office?
510
00:19:23,589 --> 00:19:26,657
- Oh.
- Okay, and she knows what this is regarding, Yale?
511
00:19:26,659 --> 00:19:29,761
Give me that. I'm talking.
Hello, this is President Meyer.
512
00:19:29,763 --> 00:19:32,864
Jim! How are you?
513
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:35,633
Oh, absolutely.
514
00:19:35,635 --> 00:19:38,169
We'll have your office get
in touch with my office.
515
00:19:38,171 --> 00:19:40,337
We're very interested
in discussing that.
516
00:19:40,339 --> 00:19:42,439
You, too. Bye-bye.
517
00:19:42,441 --> 00:19:44,608
- (laughs)
- Well?
518
00:19:44,610 --> 00:19:46,977
Guess who is interested,
all of a sudden,
519
00:19:46,979 --> 00:19:48,730
in the Selina Meyer
Presidential Library.
520
00:19:48,731 --> 00:19:49,313
Shut up!
521
00:19:49,315 --> 00:19:50,381
- Andrew.
- Selina:
What?
522
00:19:50,383 --> 00:19:52,383
- Your ex.
- No. Yale!
523
00:19:52,385 --> 00:19:56,052
- I thought you went to Smith.
- No, it's in the book that you wrote.
524
00:19:56,054 --> 00:19:57,720
- Right, right, right, right.
-
(all laughing)
525
00:19:57,722 --> 00:19:59,856
Oh, my God, I'm gonna get upset!
526
00:19:59,858 --> 00:20:02,092
- I'm so moved by this!
- You just started tearing down Mee-Maw's house.
527
00:20:02,094 --> 00:20:04,161
- Well, that's Catherine's problem.
- Okay.
528
00:20:04,163 --> 00:20:07,063
Hey, Kent, free at last, free at last.
529
00:20:07,065 --> 00:20:09,132
I've been fired three times in my life...
530
00:20:09,134 --> 00:20:12,101
from the US Postal Service
Office of Investigations,
531
00:20:12,103 --> 00:20:14,904
by the Seattle Seahawks,
and by Jonah Ryan.
532
00:20:14,906 --> 00:20:18,040
I cried each time. This
time, it was tears of joy.
533
00:20:18,042 --> 00:20:18,709
Good for you.
534
00:20:18,711 --> 00:20:20,710
Well, good timing
because we're in print
535
00:20:20,712 --> 00:20:22,244
as genius operators.
536
00:20:22,246 --> 00:20:23,646
You know, this could be an opportunity.
537
00:20:23,648 --> 00:20:24,847
I might get my teeth re-whitened.
538
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:26,416
Maybe we could start a new business,
539
00:20:26,418 --> 00:20:27,617
take our shit show on the road.
540
00:20:27,619 --> 00:20:28,818
Yeah, easier than explaining
541
00:20:28,820 --> 00:20:30,920
yards after the catch to Steve Largent.
542
00:20:30,922 --> 00:20:34,323
If we do this, though,
one rule... no McLintock.
543
00:20:34,325 --> 00:20:35,757
No shit. So, what do you think?
544
00:20:35,759 --> 00:20:37,793
The three Meyersketeers hang a shingle?
545
00:20:37,795 --> 00:20:39,428
I am gonna bid you farewell
546
00:20:39,430 --> 00:20:41,297
because this face
belongs in broadcasting
547
00:20:41,299 --> 00:20:42,364
and I start a new gig tomorrow.
548
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,300
Drinks are on you. Bye.
549
00:20:44,302 --> 00:20:45,069
You'll be sorry.
550
00:20:45,070 --> 00:20:47,369
I thought you were taking
the family to Italy.
551
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:48,770
They're in Italy.
552
00:20:50,474 --> 00:20:52,073
Woman:
Hey, wake up.
553
00:20:52,075 --> 00:20:53,575
Can you hear me?
554
00:20:53,577 --> 00:20:56,645
- There you go. Hi.
- Am I Jewish?
555
00:20:56,647 --> 00:20:58,913
Your circumcision was a success, Mr.
Ryan.
556
00:20:58,915 --> 00:21:00,449
If you notice any swelling, let me know,
557
00:21:00,451 --> 00:21:02,283
and no erection for six weeks.
558
00:21:02,285 --> 00:21:04,152
Well, I don't know how I'm
not gonna get it hard
559
00:21:04,154 --> 00:21:06,487
when I'm talking about my hog
with some hot "shiska" nurse.
560
00:21:06,489 --> 00:21:09,523
I'm your doctor, and it's shiksa.
561
00:21:09,525 --> 00:21:12,393
- I'll check on you later.
- I'm pretty sure it's "shiska."
562
00:21:12,395 --> 00:21:14,428
- I'm leaving.
- How are you doing?
563
00:21:14,430 --> 00:21:15,696
I don't know.
564
00:21:15,698 --> 00:21:17,498
Babe, so far, being Jewish really sucks.
565
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,467
Will you pass me one of
those ice packs, please?
566
00:21:20,770 --> 00:21:22,470
- Here you go, sweetie.
-
Thank you.
567
00:21:22,472 --> 00:21:25,138
At least your dick won't smell
like donkey pussy anymore.
568
00:21:25,140 --> 00:21:27,307
Oh, God, I told you
that was expired lube.
569
00:21:27,309 --> 00:21:29,677
Oh, and there's someone here to see you.
570
00:21:29,679 --> 00:21:32,613
- Hello, Jonie.
- Ugh, fuck. Hello, Uncle Jeff.
571
00:21:32,615 --> 00:21:34,581
Now, why do you think I'm here?
572
00:21:34,583 --> 00:21:35,983
To wish me a speedy recovery?
573
00:21:35,985 --> 00:21:39,052
No, wishes belong in
the bottom of a well
574
00:21:39,054 --> 00:21:40,820
with unwanted girl children.
575
00:21:40,822 --> 00:21:43,257
Actually, I'm here to thank you.
576
00:21:43,259 --> 00:21:46,659
Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever.
577
00:21:46,661 --> 00:21:48,561
For shitting the urinal so badly,
578
00:21:48,563 --> 00:21:49,897
you made the Hindenburg look like
579
00:21:49,899 --> 00:21:51,831
a normal, on-time blimp landing.
580
00:21:51,833 --> 00:21:54,200
Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown...
581
00:21:54,202 --> 00:21:59,071
Shut the fuck up, you
epileptic Picasso painting!
582
00:21:59,073 --> 00:22:00,840
Uh, you can't talk to him like that.
583
00:22:00,842 --> 00:22:03,109
(mocking) Uh, you can't
talk to him like that.
584
00:22:03,111 --> 00:22:05,211
Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger?
585
00:22:05,213 --> 00:22:08,014
Somebody you hired to make
sure you don't get erections?
586
00:22:08,016 --> 00:22:10,749
That tranny knuckle-dragger
is my fiancée.
587
00:22:10,751 --> 00:22:12,785
- Jonah!
- Her name is Shawnee Tanz,
588
00:22:12,787 --> 00:22:14,987
and you will treat her with respect.
589
00:22:14,989 --> 00:22:17,990
- Tanz as in Sherman Tanz?
- That's right. He's my father.
590
00:22:17,992 --> 00:22:19,358
Oh, royalty.
591
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,627
Well, I suppose I should say I'm sorry.
592
00:22:21,629 --> 00:22:22,479
Thank you.
593
00:22:22,481 --> 00:22:25,030
Sorry you're even related
to that human melted candle
594
00:22:25,032 --> 00:22:27,533
who puts the Jew in
"why people hate Jews."
595
00:22:27,535 --> 00:22:30,235
Tell me this, did he
sell your training bras
596
00:22:30,237 --> 00:22:33,806
as cum rags to the sex
offenders in his prisons?
597
00:22:33,808 --> 00:22:35,407
Listen up, Ms. Tranz,
598
00:22:35,409 --> 00:22:38,477
as of today, Jonie here
is down three points
599
00:22:38,479 --> 00:22:40,711
to that wop wonder Di Vicentis,
600
00:22:40,713 --> 00:22:44,649
so I am pulling this creature
from the jizz lagoon
601
00:22:44,651 --> 00:22:47,419
right off the New Hampshire
congressional ballot
602
00:22:47,421 --> 00:22:50,021
and replacing him with his cousin, Ezra.
603
00:22:50,023 --> 00:22:51,756
What... mm... what?
604
00:22:51,758 --> 00:22:55,460
Ezra has more raw political talent
in the tip of his rosy-head pecker
605
00:22:55,462 --> 00:22:58,496
than you have in this mangled
abortion coat hanger
606
00:22:58,498 --> 00:23:01,666
you should be ashamed to call your body.
607
00:23:01,668 --> 00:23:03,901
The people of New Hampshire are
gonna be so grateful to me,
608
00:23:03,903 --> 00:23:05,570
I'm gonna be like a disability check
609
00:23:05,572 --> 00:23:07,972
wrapped around a pack of
no-filter cigarettes.
610
00:23:07,974 --> 00:23:10,274
- See you around, Jonie.
- Wait, can he really do that?
611
00:23:10,276 --> 00:23:11,469
Take your name off the ballot?
612
00:23:11,470 --> 00:23:13,377
Yeah, he owns, like,
all these old people.
613
00:23:13,379 --> 00:23:16,413
(clears throat) Jonah,
I have been thinking,
614
00:23:16,415 --> 00:23:18,882
um, you know, I think I wanna
slow things down with us.
615
00:23:18,884 --> 00:23:21,918
Okay, yeah, that makes sense. My
teachers had to do that all the time.
616
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,854
No, with us... you and me.
617
00:23:23,856 --> 00:23:25,956
What?
618
00:23:25,958 --> 00:23:27,958
(cackling)
619
00:23:30,662 --> 00:23:33,930
- She's dumping you!
- Shut the fuck up, Uncle Jeff.
620
00:23:33,932 --> 00:23:36,366
- She's not dumping me.
- Oh, no, I am.
621
00:23:36,368 --> 00:23:39,602
I've been having doubts
for a little while.
622
00:23:39,603 --> 00:23:40,704
(cackling)
623
00:23:40,706 --> 00:23:42,205
Uncle Jeff, shut up!
624
00:23:42,207 --> 00:23:43,640
What do you mean a little while?
625
00:23:43,642 --> 00:23:45,341
What the fuck does that even mean?
626
00:23:45,343 --> 00:23:47,643
Is that before or after
I scheduled the surgery
627
00:23:47,645 --> 00:23:50,213
to cut my dick off so
you could marry me?
628
00:23:51,616 --> 00:23:53,983
Uncle Jeff, come on!
629
00:23:53,985 --> 00:23:56,519
I'm so glad I came in
person and didn't call.
630
00:23:56,521 --> 00:23:58,454
-
(cackling continues)
- Goodbye, Jonah.
631
00:23:58,456 --> 00:24:00,623
Sorry.
632
00:24:00,625 --> 00:24:02,825
- Come on, honey, I'll walk you out.
- Oh, that's nice of you.
633
00:24:02,827 --> 00:24:05,293
- Are you parked in the garage?
- Yeah, I'm just outside.
634
00:24:05,295 --> 00:24:07,095
Oh, that's...
635
00:24:07,097 --> 00:24:08,831
Shawnee, wait...
636
00:24:11,869 --> 00:24:15,571
- (heart monitor beeping)
- (PA chatter)
637
00:24:18,809 --> 00:24:21,176
Okay, come on.
638
00:24:21,178 --> 00:24:23,245
(screaming)
639
00:24:25,916 --> 00:24:27,482
Ow! Nurse!
640
00:24:27,484 --> 00:24:29,851
Leon West just called
for the seventh time.
641
00:24:29,853 --> 00:24:31,016
He says he wants you to...
642
00:24:31,018 --> 00:24:33,388
He wants to gargle my
nuts and tickle my taint?
643
00:24:33,390 --> 00:24:35,823
- Tell him to get in line.
- Oh, ma'am, the publisher said
644
00:24:35,825 --> 00:24:37,291
we're getting some book reviews in.
645
00:24:37,293 --> 00:24:39,160
Oh, the "Lhasa Express"
gives it five namastes.
646
00:24:39,162 --> 00:24:41,262
- Now, what are you doing?
- Don't worry about it.
647
00:24:41,264 --> 00:24:43,031
- They're ready for you, ma'am.
- Selina:
Oh.
648
00:24:43,033 --> 00:24:45,266
- Gary: That's Bethany.
- Okay, thank you, Tiffany.
649
00:24:45,268 --> 00:24:47,234
- I'm going!
- Amy: Knock 'em dead, ma'am.
650
00:24:47,236 --> 00:24:48,803
- Thank you!
-
Have fun.
651
00:24:48,805 --> 00:24:50,471
How long have you been working
for "The Tonight Show"?
652
00:24:50,473 --> 00:24:53,074
- About a month.
- Richard: Hey, ma'am.
653
00:24:53,076 --> 00:24:55,176
Ma'am, Catherine's in an ambulance.
654
00:24:55,178 --> 00:24:57,445
- She's having some bad bleeding.
- Oh, my God, on the couch?
655
00:24:57,447 --> 00:24:59,646
- Did they put the garbage bags down?
- I don't know.
656
00:24:59,648 --> 00:25:02,015
- Okay, and?
- One of us should go?
657
00:25:02,017 --> 00:25:03,417
Well, what are you standing here for?
658
00:25:03,419 --> 00:25:05,252
- You're the donor.
- Oh, father.
659
00:25:05,254 --> 00:25:07,654
- Do you need to leave?
- Where do I stand?
660
00:25:07,656 --> 00:25:10,490
- Oh, right there on the mark.
- On the thing? Okay. Thank you.
661
00:25:10,492 --> 00:25:12,626
- Man:
Good luck, ma'am.
- Hi. How are you?
662
00:25:12,628 --> 00:25:15,729
the first woman to hold
the office of the president.
663
00:25:15,731 --> 00:25:18,331
If that's not enough, she's
written an autobiography...
664
00:25:18,333 --> 00:25:20,433
"A Woman First: First Woman."
665
00:25:20,435 --> 00:25:22,010
-
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome...
666
00:25:22,012 --> 00:25:22,535
- (gasps)
667
00:25:22,537 --> 00:25:24,705
- President Selina Meyer! Selina!
- (cheering, applause)
668
00:25:24,707 --> 00:25:28,208
Hey! Ah! Whoo! How about that?
669
00:25:28,210 --> 00:25:29,875
- Hello.
- Hey. Great.
670
00:25:29,877 --> 00:25:32,712
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you!
671
00:25:32,714 --> 00:25:34,647
How about this, a real president!
672
00:25:34,649 --> 00:25:36,382
A real president.
673
00:25:37,619 --> 00:25:40,487
- Where to?
- 53rd and 3rd, please.
674
00:25:40,489 --> 00:25:43,589
- (sighs)
-
(jingle plays)
675
00:25:43,591 --> 00:25:46,859
Hi, there. Welcome to "CBS This Ride."
676
00:25:46,861 --> 00:25:48,794
I'm your host, Dan Egan,
677
00:25:48,796 --> 00:25:50,763
- bringing you exclusive content...
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
678
00:25:50,765 --> 00:25:51,182
Off.
679
00:25:51,183 --> 00:25:52,431
right here in New
York City Yellow Cabs.
680
00:25:52,433 --> 00:25:55,001
Sir, how do you... I can't
get the screen to go off.
681
00:25:55,003 --> 00:25:57,069
Come on, how the fuck do
you turn this thing off?!
682
00:25:57,071 --> 00:25:59,304
There's an off... you see the off button?
683
00:25:59,306 --> 00:26:01,540
All right, you know what? You know what?
684
00:26:01,542 --> 00:26:03,875
I wanna get out. Shut the fuck up!
685
00:26:03,877 --> 00:26:05,511
Sir, can you calm down, please?
686
00:26:05,513 --> 00:26:07,879
Broadway is your scene,
Fringe Festival's in town.
687
00:26:07,881 --> 00:26:11,082
God damn it. Ben, it's me.
688
00:26:11,084 --> 00:26:13,485
- Driver:
Hey, you gonna pay?
- I'm in.
689
00:26:13,487 --> 00:26:15,486
I did wanna clear the
air about one thing.
690
00:26:15,488 --> 00:26:16,113
Sure.
691
00:26:16,115 --> 00:26:17,989
Earlier this week, you
were booked on the show.
692
00:26:17,991 --> 00:26:20,458
You had to cancel, which,
to us, is like, you know,
693
00:26:20,460 --> 00:26:22,627
she's the President of
the United... who cares?
694
00:26:22,629 --> 00:26:25,563
We're fine with it. You have so
many more important things to do...
695
00:26:25,565 --> 00:26:27,766
- Well, thank you.
- than our stupid show
696
00:26:27,768 --> 00:26:29,048
that we put together
with Scotch tape here.
697
00:26:29,050 --> 00:26:29,834
No, it's a great show.
698
00:26:29,836 --> 00:26:33,137
- No, I love this show.
- And then there was speculation
699
00:26:33,139 --> 00:26:36,240
that you did so because
you were embarrassed
700
00:26:36,242 --> 00:26:39,544
about some salacious news
stories about your trainer.
701
00:26:39,546 --> 00:26:41,612
Yes, in sleeping with my trainer,
702
00:26:41,614 --> 00:26:45,416
- I did not exercise good judgment.
-
(audience laughs)
703
00:26:45,418 --> 00:26:47,051
Wow.
704
00:26:47,053 --> 00:26:48,686
Ha, ha, ha! (imitates sword slashing)
705
00:26:48,688 --> 00:26:50,320
Zinger!
706
00:26:50,322 --> 00:26:52,856
Actually, what I really
would love to talk about,
707
00:26:52,858 --> 00:26:54,858
um, is Tibet.
708
00:26:54,860 --> 00:26:56,493
- Yeah, absolutely, Madam President.
- The deal that we brokered.
709
00:26:56,495 --> 00:26:57,995
But before that,
710
00:26:57,997 --> 00:27:00,097
just in honor of your new book...
711
00:27:00,099 --> 00:27:02,332
- Oh, sure.
- "A Woman First: First Woman."
712
00:27:02,334 --> 00:27:03,959
Is that the final title
or are you, uh...?
713
00:27:03,961 --> 00:27:04,501
Yeah.
714
00:27:04,503 --> 00:27:05,935
Oh, yeah, that... mm-hmm. (chuckles)
715
00:27:05,937 --> 00:27:08,738
- It's a little pun.
- It is a pun, kind of.
716
00:27:08,740 --> 00:27:11,241
By the way, this is quite
a photo on the cover.
717
00:27:11,243 --> 00:27:12,942
- It's really, really nice.
-
Thank you.
718
00:27:12,944 --> 00:27:14,744
Do I need, like, special glasses
719
00:27:14,746 --> 00:27:17,113
- to be able to see this in focus?
-
No, no!
720
00:27:17,115 --> 00:27:18,715
Or how does this work?
721
00:27:18,717 --> 00:27:21,250
It just came out today, and
we thought it would be fun,
722
00:27:21,252 --> 00:27:22,785
in honor of you canceling on us,
723
00:27:22,787 --> 00:27:24,954
to have some children come out here.
724
00:27:24,956 --> 00:27:27,289
They'll read you some
of our favorite reviews
725
00:27:27,291 --> 00:27:28,657
- of your book.
-
Oh, neat!
726
00:27:28,659 --> 00:27:30,159
Because as any parent knows,
727
00:27:30,161 --> 00:27:33,162
kids read the darndest
things off of cue cards.
728
00:27:33,164 --> 00:27:35,932
That's right. So, kids, could
you come out here, please?
729
00:27:35,934 --> 00:27:38,300
- Oh, so cute.
- Yeah, very cute.
730
00:27:38,302 --> 00:27:42,371
Starting up here, we've got
Ella, who is age nine.
731
00:27:42,373 --> 00:27:43,872
"'The New York Times' says,
732
00:27:43,874 --> 00:27:45,674
'We've been stunned by the revelations
733
00:27:45,676 --> 00:27:48,076
and achievements of the Meyer presidency
734
00:27:48,078 --> 00:27:49,845
over the last few days.
735
00:27:49,847 --> 00:27:51,580
Why aren't they in the book?'"
736
00:27:51,582 --> 00:27:53,349
Host:
That's not a bad question.
737
00:27:53,351 --> 00:27:55,917
Next up, Melanie, age eight.
738
00:27:55,919 --> 00:27:59,287
"'Publisher Weekly' calls it
'Scattered and disjointed,
739
00:27:59,289 --> 00:28:01,189
much like the Meyer presidency.'"
740
00:28:02,860 --> 00:28:06,561
- Okay, next up, we got Ruby, age 10.
- Wow.
741
00:28:06,563 --> 00:28:10,031
"The 'New York Post'
says, 'Remainder City.'"
742
00:28:10,033 --> 00:28:11,189
-
(host chuckles) Whoa.
743
00:28:11,191 --> 00:28:13,501
- Can we play "What's...
What's in the Bag"?
744
00:28:13,503 --> 00:28:14,611
Let's guess what's in the bag.
745
00:28:14,612 --> 00:28:16,604
We played that last night
when you weren't here.
746
00:28:16,606 --> 00:28:18,873
- Ah.
-
We've got Elliot, age 10.
747
00:28:18,875 --> 00:28:21,942
Elliot:
"'The New Yorker' called
it 'A trite, monotonous tune
748
00:28:21,944 --> 00:28:24,712
that's as inconsequential as any...'"
60702