Original subtitles

- Hello. You all right? - Yeah. Good, thanks.

See that film last night? Denzil Washington?

- No. - He's a brilliant actor.

- He's very good. - Oh, dear.

- I like him. - He's great.

- See you later. - See you later.

- He's not my favourite actor of all time. - No?

No. My favourite actor of all time is Mr Sidney Poitier.

- Well. - So... All right?

Yeah. Amazing.

- Gareth, are you building up your wrists? - Yes.

When is the charity wank-athon?

- I don't know, but you'd win it. - That's good.

- Seriously, what are you doing? - Orienteering with the TAs.

All right?

- Yeah. I've just come to apologise. - Don't worry about it.

No. I was out of order. I'd had a really bad day. I shouldn't have done it.

Well...

- So we're cool, yeah? - Absolutely. Totally cool.

What's that? Is that for me?

- Yeah. - Cheers.

There's nothing going on between them.

I've been watching him and I imagine you've been watching her,

so between us we've got it covered.

- See you later, mate. - Yeah. Thanks for that. Cheers.

- Probably a bottle of something. - You reckon?

Look at the shape.

Today I'm doing our staff appraisals.

Some people can get nervous -

they think they're putting their head on the block, which is wrong.

They fill out a form in advance

and they don't only list their strengths and weaknesses, but also mine as a boss.

So it's a chance for them to tell me where we're going wrong.

- It's an opportunity... - To separate the wheat from the chaff.

No. That sounds bad. We're not trying to find out who the worst people are.

We know who they are. I've put them on my form.

- No... - I've underlined the worst ones.

You're missing the point. Yeah...

- Hello, David. - Here he is.

Tim Canterbury. A good man. "The Canterbury Tales."

- Chaucer. - Yup.

And Shakespeare.

Pleased with you. Very proud. New leaf, et cetera.

Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty, satisfaction. That's what I'm...

Wondering why I am so generous with encouragement?

Trust people and they'll be true to you.

Treat them greatly and they will show themselves to be great.

So happier now? No looking back?

I am eventually going to do a psychology degree, but...

No point. No point. Sure, 18-19, go to university, get it out of your system.

Waste time mucking around, getting drunk...

- Having casual sex. - But we're in our 30s now.

- I'm only just 30. You're 39? - No. Both in our 30s is the fact. Yeah?

Who's to say? In a few years time, you could be in the hot seat... like me.

- When I'm nearly 40. - We're both in our 30s at the moment.

Just chewing the fat. Good. You're on the right lines.

Can I just? If we're facing in the right direction,

all we have to do is keep on walking.

Very nice. You're quite a philosopher.

It's just that I think our greatest glory...

is not in never falling, but in rising when we do.

- Are you reading these? - What?

Confucius. Bernard Shaw...

It doesn't matter who said them. I'm passing on my wisdom.

Don't tell those I've been reading these. It's an insult. I'll put it down there.

I wanted to be a children's illustrator.

When people asked what I did, I'd say,

"I'm an illustrator, but I do some reception work."

For years I was an illustrator who did some reception work.

Then Lee thought we should both get full-time jobs.

Then you're knackered after work and it's hard to do illustrating.

Now, when people ask what I do, I say, "I'm a receptionist."

And a bloody good one.

You'll always have the art. Keep up the doodling always.

- Pipe dreams are good. - I still hope it will happen.

Keep the dream alive because otherwise you'll go, "Could I have made it?"

If you keep trying, when it doesn't happen, you can go, "At least I gave it a go."

You know?

- Are you settling in all right? - Yeah.

- Having fun? - Yeah.

As much fun as you can have at Wernham-Hogg.

- How long were you at Swindon? - Two years.

If you had to name a role model...

who would it be?

- Like a historical person? - No, just someone in general life.

There's my mum. She's strong, calm in the face of adversity.

I remember when she had a hysterectomy...

If it wasn't your mother, though. It doesn't even have to be a woman.

A man? OK. I suppose if it was a man it'd be my father.

Not your father. Take your parents as read. I mean someone in the work-related arena.

Right. OK. I suppose Tim, then. He's always...

He's a friend. Not a friend. Someone in authority.

- Then, I suppose Jennifer. - We said not a woman. Or am I?

Er... OK. I suppose you're the only one who...

Embarrassing. It's backfired. Oh, dear. Very flattering.

- Can we put me as a? - OK. Tim, then.

- We said not Tim. Do you want me? - OK.

- So shall I put "strong role model"? - OK.

(ALARM RINGS)

Just a drill. Do not panic.

- He's trained. Good man. - Come on, people, let's get moving.

- I'd be the last one out. - Do not run and do not panic.

That's just what I do. We do these every couple of months.

Even though I'm always cool in a situation like this, some people are not,

and so I try to make sure... I'll do that.

- We were... - No, no. I've got it.

I'm going to get you out of here.

The lifts... are out of bounds... in a fire... situation,

so the important thing is... Put her down.

This isn't worth it. It's stupid.

This is just a drill, so we can leave her here.

- Can't I use the lift? - No, not even in a drill.

We won't be a minute.

I've got no problem with him visiting every child in a night,

but I can't believe he stands in Barnardo's arguing with old women.

I don't know if you're aware of the situation that's arising here.

I usually steer clear of ladies at work, but there's someone I've got my eye on.

I won't say who. I don't know what Tim's playing at.

He embarrassed himself asking Dawn out and this will end in tears.

Whereas I, you probably notice, play it cool.

He's not a man of the world like me.

I can read women. You've got to know their needs.

That can be making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries

or making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse.

(ALARM CONTINUES)

You were using all your best lines on Rachel.

Best lines! Just being friendly.

It was friendly, but more than.

- More than? - Friendly.

Under "strengths", you've just put "accounts".

Yeah.

That's your job, though. That's just...

Keith. I'm looking for skills within your job. Is there anything else you can put?

- No. - OK.

Under "weaknesses", you've put "eczema".

You had a fantastically welcoming buffet.

- The wine was something else. - Everyone's quite friendly.

- Everyone's... And Tim seems nice. - Yeah. He's a good laugh.

I've just got to... Has he got a girlfriend?

- Tim? No. - Why? What's up?

- Nothing. - Why? Would you?

Mm? Out of the equation.

I know, but if you weren't, would he?

If I weren't? Madness.

You've left this section blank. You haven't done the Q&A.

- I thought you filled that in. - No. This is aimed at you.

"To what extent do you believe that you have the skills to perform your job effectively?"

You tick the boxes. "Not at all. To some extent. Very much so. Don't know."

- What would you tick? - Don't know.

OK.

"Do you feel you have received adequate training to use your computer effectively?"

- What are the options? - They're always the same.

"Not at all. To some extent. Very much so. Don't know."

- Don't know. - Don't know again. OK.

"Do you feel you are given the flexibility to decide how to accomplish your goals?"

- Do you want the options? - Yeah.

"Not at all. To some extent..." Always the same.

- "Very much so. Don't know." - Don't know.

If "Don't know" wasn't there, what would you put?

- What are the options? - "Not at all. To some extent.

- "Very much so. Don't know." - Very much so.

- Do you remember the question? - No.

"Do you?" We're going to leave that.

Just going to give the new Swindon lot a... It's not an appraisal as such, but...

(LAUGHTER)

- Sorry. Just showing them... - Keep them occupied before the main event.

I hope you warmed them up better than last time! Doesn't look like it.

- OK. See you later. - See you. Bye.

Anyway... good. Hello.

I can't give you an appraisal - you've only been here a week -

but I wanted to see how you're settling in.

I know it's not the same vibe you're used to. Neil ruled with more of an iron fist.

Settling in? Having a good time?

How is it different?

More laid back, presumably.

- Think it's more laid back? Yeah? - Yeah...

Say yes, then, if it's more laid back. More fun.

- Well... - Eh?

- Nothing. - Go on.

We're actually used to doing stuff, like working hard, being motivated.

There's not much dynamism. People get away with murder.

- Having a laugh, yes. - Quite a few of us are bored.

What, you prefer Swindon?

- More of a laugh. - You're having a laugh saying that.

What's so good about Swindon? Neil?

- Yeah, for one. - You prefer Neil to me?

Who thinks Neil's more of a laugh than me?

That's mental! Come off it. You...

Come out for a drink with me and see who's more of a laugh.

We'll go for a drink lunchtime. Right.

Right. Here we are. There's an outing, lunchtime.

Show them what the Slough lot are like. Keith, what are you doing lunchtime?

Welcome to Alcoholic's Anonymous! No. Purely social.

I know an alcoholic and it's no laughing matter - particularly for his wife.

She's got alopecia, so not a happy home life.

Their eldest is like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man".

That probably turned him to it in the first place.

Looking forward to the weekend?

- Yeah. - Cheers.

That's a lovely drop. That's Courage.

You get a lot of that round here because the main brewery's in Reading.

They do it in London too.

What's the brewery in Swindon? Is there a big?

- It might be Courage actually. - Dunno.

No. This is all right, though, isn't it?

- Nice pub... Eh? - Just a private joke.

I was saying this is nice. There's a lovely pub near me - the Gardener's Arms.

- What are you doing? - That bloke looks like someone we know.

OK. One at a time. Focus. You'll get more out of it in the long run, I promise.

I forgot what I was saying. That's what happens when you...

Courage...

- Three points. - Don't do that on my head.

- Unless you've changed into a dartboard. - The dartboard makes no difference to you.

I could sit here and still get 180.

- Hiya. You all right? - Straight.

A couple of my mates are going down to Yates's...

- The wine lodge? Classy. Joking. - I was wondering if you'd like to come.

Or not. And you, Dawn. Bring Lee.

- I don't think we can... - OK. You can come?

- Yeah, I can. - Great. OK.

- Tonight? - Yeah. Just after work.

- Have a couple of drinks, yeah. - Cool.

- OK. See you later. - See you in a bit.

- That'll be fun. - Yeah. Yes.

It'll be cool. Cool as a cucumber.

- Good? - It was all right.

I've eaten here, so...

If you want a really good pie - The Gardeners.

It's been a washout, hasn't it? If no one else is going to make the effort.

- We have made the effort. - Eh?

- We have made the effort. - Yeah. I'm not having a go at you.

Obviously the best people haven't come. I'm going back to the office.

See you later.

- Come on, Neil. - All right.

- Gareth. - Nearly.

- What are you doing? - Having a laugh.

You could have had a laugh in the pub. Dangerous, isn't it?

- You should work. It's quarter past two. - All right. We're just finishing off.

Just want to be popular as the new boss. Oh, love me! Pathetic!

I think we should call it a day there. Do you mind putting those away?

Guys, can we go back to work?

- David, can I have a word? - If you want.

Obviously you've got a problem, what is it?

No. Time for work, wasn't it?

If you don't want to say, fine, but don't speak to me like that in front of staff.

- You're acting like a petulant kid. - Yeah.

Don't stand out there and embarrass me and yourself, because I will not stand for it.

I've been trying to deal with this situation delicately

because I was embarrassed that I'm now your boss, but you have to live with it.

I don't let anyone talk to me like that and certainly not you. Do you understand?

Do you understand? Good.

You're a good bloke, Dave, and if there's a problem I'd rather discuss it sensibly.

Shake on it?

Great. Thank you.

- I'll see you guys later. Take care. - Cheers, Neil.

- Did you hear any of that conversation? - No.

I had it out with Neil. He showed his true colours.

He seems like a good bloke.

I'd better not say anything, then. Watch your back. Slagging you off.

- Slagging you off. - Me personally?

- Just me? - Yeah. And you. Slagging all you lot off.

- What's he saying? - Saying you lot were rubbish.

I was going, "Your Swindon lot are shit."

- He got aggressive and I went berserk. - Did you hit him?

- He'd have come through that wall. - He's pretty trim, mate.

Yeah? Against karate?

- What did he actually say about us? - Just slagging you lot off.

I went, "Your Swindon lot are little slugs with no personality.

"You're jealous that we're better at everything."

If it did kick off with him, I don't want you lot getting hurt.

- I'd step in. - This is big boy shit, mate.

Hit him above the ears because the vacuum in the brain kills instantly.

I'd want to keep the twat alive with the shit I was going to pull.

- All right? - Hello.

- You don't have a boyfriend, do you? - No.

- Any kids from previous marriages? - No.

- Would you like to come out for a drink? - I can't. I'm going to go out with Tim.

- Tonight? - Yeah.

- Can I come? - Not really.

- You're not going to get off with him? - It's not your business.

Sorry. It's none of my business. Go and have a drink, by all means. Enjoy yourself.

If you don't go all the way with Tim, I will still be interested.

Thanks. Good to know I have something to fall back on.

What if I go all the way with Tim but want more with you?

I don't usually do sloppy seconds,

but I judge things on individual merit, so we'll cross that river when we come to it.

- Thanks. That's good to know. - No problem.

- One in the kettle? - Yeah. It's just boiled.

One amendment. If you do go all the way with Tim

and you expect me to go in there afterwards, make sure he wears a condom.

It's sort of a rule.

- Is there any milk? - Yeah. In the fridge.

- See ya. - See you later, mate.

- You going home? - Yup.

- That's for you. - Cheers.

Can you call Neilson's...

and get that credit rate faxed over or emailed or whatever?

Sure.

And do you mind typing up those appraisal contracts?

- Sure. See you Monday. - See you.

Dawn, I'm fed up. I'm fed up, to be honest. It's just...

- Why? - I think this place is a right shit hole.

- Do you? - Yeah.

- Do you think I'm funny? - Mmm. Yup.

Do you think Neil's funny? Sit down.

Do I think Neil's funny? I don't really know him, David.

- But he's not funnier than me? - Definitely not.

I wish you'd tell that to the Swindon lot - miserable bunch of... Aren't they? Boring.

What's your favourite stuff that I do, comedy-wise?

Um... Oh, there's too much.

- The impressions? - Yeah.

- Which ones? - Er... Which ones are there again?

- Kermit? - Brilliant.

"Welcome to the er Muppet Show." "Hai-ya, Frog!"

Miss Piggy. Do you know Kermit's nephew, Robin?

# Halfway up the stair is the stair where I sit... #

- Do you do Gonzo? - No. Do you want a beer?

- Er... I can't go to the pub. - I've got some here ready.

For emergencies.

Cheers.

I was looking through...

some old poems I used to do.

- Oh? I didn't know. - Yeah.

- What sort of? - Quite sort of... powerful. Here's one.

Shall I read one to you? This one's called "Excalibur".

"I froze your tears and made a dagger and stabbed it in my cock forever.

"It stays there like Excalibur. Are you my Arthur? Say you are."

- Good... - "Take this cool, dark, steeled blade.

"Steal it, sheath it in your lake.

"I'd drown with you to be together. Must you breathe? 'Cause I need heaven."

- Um... It's powerful. - Very.

- Did you get the double meanings? - I did.

(WHISTLING)

# So what becomes of you, my love,

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy? #