Original subtitles

[SILENCE]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[SCREAMING IN AGONY]

[SCREAMING FOR HELP]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[SCREAMS CONTINUE]

[GUNSHOT BLASTS AS TV FIZZLES OUT]

[DISTANT RUSTLING]

[GLASS SMASHES]

[SCREAMS]

[SASQUATCH ROARS, SHE SCREAMS]

[KICK CRUNCHES, SASQUATCH GROANS]

[BATTERY BEEPS ON]

[MOTOR HUMMING]

[♪]

♪ SOMEDAY YOU'LL REMEMBER ME

♪ AND PICTURE MY FACE

♪ SOMEDAY YOU MAY SMILE AT ME

♪ AND I'LL WALK AWAY

♪ YESTERDAY I NEEDED A BUCK

♪ TODAY I NEEDED A BANK

♪ BUT I KNOW WHO WAS ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ IT'S ME THAT I HAD TO THANK

♪ AND I WANNA SAY

♪ PICTURE MY FACE

♪ YEAH, I GOTTA SAY

♪ KISS MY FACE

♪ SOMEDAY YOU'LL REMEMBER ME

♪ AND PICTURE MY FACE

♪ SOMEDAY YOU MAY SMILE AT ME

♪ AND I'LL WALK AWAY

♪ YESTERDAY I NEEDED LOVE

♪ TODAY I NEED SOME HATE

♪ BUT I KNOW WHO WAS ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ NOW, BABY, IT'S TOO LATE

♪ AND I WANNA SAY

♪ PICTURE MY FACE

♪ YEAH, I GOTTA SAY

♪ WELL, KISS KISS MY FACE ♪

[♪]

[CELL PHONE RINGS, A NOVELTY ALARM KLAXON]

HEY, CLARE, WHAT'S UP?

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO ACTUALLY PLAN THIS WEDDING?

WE HAVE TO GET THIS SEATING PLAN DONE.

HAVE YOU EVEN LOOKED AT IT?

BABE, I'M SORRY, I'M JUST REALLY BUSY.

I FEEL LIKE ALL OF THIS IS FALLING ON MY SHOULDERS.

[STAMMERING]

I FEEL LIKE YOUR SECRETARY.

YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN JUST TAKE OFF,

AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO JUST MAGICALLY HAPPEN.

[AWKWARDLY] HONEY, ITS NOT A GOOD TIME.

I CAN'T TALK, OKAY?

I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, ADAM,

BUT IT JUST DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MIGHT COME TO A SURPRISE

IS THAT THERE'S ACTUALLY NO LITTLE MAGICAL FUCKING ELVES

THAT ARE GOING TO MAKE THE LITTLE SEATING CHART

TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR PERVERTED AUNT

DOESN'T END UP SITTING ON THE FACE OF MY DRUNKEN UNCLE!

NO! THAT FALLS ON ME, ADAM.

THAT FALLS ON ME!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I AM NOT AN ELF!

[CRYING] I'M NOT A FUCKIN' ELF!

NO...

I AM NOT AN ELF.

[CRYING AND SWEARING]

I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK!

BUT UNTIL THEN, YOU NEED TO HELP ME OUT!

OKAY. OKAY, I PROMISE YOU I'LL LOOK AT IT, OKAY?

[SIGHING] OKAY.

I LOVE YOU.

[ANGRILY] I SAID I LOVE YOU!

IT'S JUST, NOT A GREAT TIME TO TALK.

FUCKING SAY IT!

[WHISPERS] I LOVE YOU.

AW...

I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW. IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.

WELL, CALL ME BACK.

NO EXCUSES.

WELL...

LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE REALLY JAMMED IT UP THIS TIME, GARY.

HI, EDITH.

YEAH, I CAN'T SEEM TO FIT MY FINGERS IN HERE.

IT'S REALLY TIGHT.

HMM.

IF I HAD A DIME...

COME HERE.

COME ON, GIVE MOMMY SOME OF THE GOOD STUFF.

WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA WORK IT LIKE THAT,

YOU'VE GOT TO EXPECT A LITTLE EXTRA ATTENTION.

I WASN'T "WORKING IT," EDITH.

YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN-WHORE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO GET SOME WORK DONE HERE.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT STRIP MALL IN CALGARY?

JUST SOME NOISE BYLAW CONCERNS.

FROM A STRIP MALL?

YEAH, WELL THEY OPENED A NEW T.L. POPPERS RESTAURANT,

AND SOME OTHER PLACE CALLED "RUB YOU LONG TIME,"

SOME KIND OF MASSAGE PARLOUR.

WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO

WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN GET CHEESE FRIES AND A HANDJOB

IN THE SAME PLACE?

GOT ME.

ANYWAY, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET IT PUSHED THROUGH.

MIGHT HAVE TO PAY OFF ONE OF THE CITY COUNCILORS.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I THINK I'VE BECOME LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

WELL, MAYBE IF YOU ATE A LITTLE BIT LESS,

YOU COULD CONTROL YOUR BOWELS.

NOW, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT 500-UNIT HOTEL DEVELOPMENT

IN FERNIE?

WELL, WE'VE HAD SOME RESISTANCE FROM SOME OF THE LOCALS,

BUT WE FOUND A WAY AROUND THEIR ZONING BY-LAW

BY FILING AN INJUNCTION.

NOW, THAT'S MY BOY.

I WANT YOU TO HAND-DELIVER THAT INJUNCTION

TO FERNIE CITY HALL, ASAP.

NO, EDITH, COME ON.

YOU KNOW I HATE FLYING.

SORRY, GARY,

DOES THE SEAT CUSHION IRRITATE YOUR PUSSY?

[SCOFFS]

I HAVE AN EAR INFECTION.

I CAN'T FLY.

MORE LIKE A YEAST INFECTION.

FINE, GO GET A PAP SMEAR.

I HAVE A GREAT OBGYN.

HE'LL FIST YOU IF YOU ASK NICELY.

[GROANING]

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU SEND ADAM

TO FILE THE INJUNCTION, HUH?

HE'S FROM FERNIE.

I CAN'T DO IT, MAN. I'M BUSY.

I AM NOT SENDING ADAM BECAUSE IT'S YOUR FUCKING FILE,

AND YOU'RE FUCKING GOING.

NICE COCK, ADAM.

I LIKE A LITTLE HOODIE.

DON'T SEE THEM OFTEN ENOUGH.

[MULTIPLE FARTS AND SPLASHES FROM CUBICLE]

UGH, JESUS, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

I JUST LOST MY HARD-ON.

[EXPLOSIVE FARTING]

OW, OW, OW, OW.... OOH!

BE IN MY OFFICE IN THREE MINUTES,

AND GO SEE A PROCTOLOGIST.

[GARY GROANING]

OH, IT'S LIKE FEATHERY WORMS.

HEY, ADAM,

YOU WOULDN'T MIND GOING TO FERNIE FOR ME, WOULD YOU?

NORMALLY, I WOULD, BUT I'M TOTALLY SWAMPED.

[GARY GROANING AND WINCING, LOUD FARTS AND SPLASHES]

OW, I THINK THAT'S A PLACENTA.

I THINK IT JUST WINKED AT ME.

GARY, I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED THE PLAY-BY-PLAY.

[FARTING]

[GROANING IN PAIN AND RELIEF]

I DON'T REMEMBER EATING DIARRHEA.

OH, YEAH.

HOW'S THE WEDDING PLANNING COMING ALONG?

[GARY WINCING AND GROANING]

[MOANING AND STRAINING]

[GROANS TURN TO GASPS]

ARE YOU OKAY?

MY-MY CHEST.

[GASPING WEAKLY]

QUIT FUCKING AROUND, MAN.

I CAN'T GO TO FERNIE, ALL RIGHT?

[HEAVY THUD]

GARY?

[KNOCKS] GARY?

[BOLT SNAPS]

OH, FUCK.

[GARY FARTING WETLY]

[FART HISSING]

OH, GOD.

[BEEPING NUMBER]

[CALL RINGING]

SECURITY.

DAVE.

HEY, IT'S ADAM.

UH, GARY BENNETT'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK.

I'M IN THE 17th-FLOOR WASHROOM.

CAN YOU SEND AN AMBULANCE?

I'VE GOT A DEFIBRILLATOR RIGHT HERE.

I'LL SEND SOMEONE UP.

THANK YOU.

[BEEPS CALL OFF, DIALS ANOTHER NUMBER]

HI, HON'.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO CALL ME RIGHT BACK?

LOOK, I'LL GET TO THE SEATING PLAN,

I'M JUST SORT OF IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING?

OH, SO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME?

[SIGHS]

FINE.

YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE SEATING PLAN?

LET'S TALK

ABOUT THE SEATING PLAN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT FIRST?

[♪]

♪ WELL, I'M ON MY WAY

♪ TO THE CITY LIGHTS...

THIS IS WHERE THE OLD WOMAN WAS SITTING.

THIS IS WHERE SASQUATCH SMASHED THE WINDOW HERE.

A STYLISH CONTEMPORARY KITCHEN...

AND A FLOWER ARRANGEMENT ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE?

DAMN IT, CATHY.

WHO'S CATHY?

MY NEW GIRL.

I HAD HER TAKE THESE.

SHE HAS A KEEN EYE FOR PHOTOGRAPHY,

BUT SHE'S ALSO TAKING A COURSE

IN INTERIOR DESIGN.

WELL, THE REPORT SAYS

NOTHING BUT BEER WAS STOLEN FROM THE PLACE.

APPARENTLY, THE WOMAN WAS TOO FREAKED OUT

TO BE INTERVIEWED.

HEY, DOES CATHY HAVE BLACK HAIR?

YEAH.

-PIERCED EYEBROW? -YEAH.

KIND OF OVERSIZED PUFFY PEPPERONI NIPPLES?

GIMME THAT.

AND WHEN DID YOU GET THAT TATTOO THAT SAYS "PAIN"

ON YOUR BACK?

THAT AIN'T ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO JAGOFFS DOING AT MY DESK?

SORRY, CHIEF.

WE WERE JUST LOOKING AT GRAPHIC ANATOMICAL PHOTOS

OF GLACIER'S CHEATING GIRLFRIEND.

WOULD YOU GUYS REMIND ME AGAIN

WHICH ONE IS GLACIER

AND WHICH ONE IS FRESH?

HE IS.

I'M FRESH.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK

WHICH ONE IS GLACIER

AND WHICH ONE IS FRESH!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

WE WERE JUST GOING OVER

THE LATEST SASQUATCH CRIME SCENE PHOTOS, SIR.

I KNOW YOU CRESTON GUYS

LIKE YOUR CREEPY SASQUATCH FETISH,

BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE TRANSFERRED TO MY UNIT,

YOU'LL BE MARCHING TO MY ORDERS, COMPRENDE?

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, SIR--

YOU'RE IN FERNIE NOW.

THIS IS THE REAL WORLD.

BUT IN THE RE--

HEY! YOU SPEAK WHEN I TELL YOU!

YES, SIR.

I'M WATCHING YOU TWO FUCKERS.

SO, WHAT ABOUT SASQUATCH?

AM I SLEEPING?

I MUST BE SLEEPING

BECAUSE I JUST HAD A DREAM

WHERE I TOLD YOU TWO BOZOS

TO STOP TALKING ABOUT THE SASQUATCH.

I USUALLY GET A BONER WHEN I SLEEP.

WELL, IT'S NOT THERE ALL NIGHT.

I'M NOT TOO SURE IF IT IS,

BUT ITS DEFINITELY THERE WHEN I WAKE UP.

IT'S YOUR TESTOSTERONE.

IT PEAKS EARLY MORNINGS.

THAT'S WHY YOU WAKE UP LIKE THAT.

I READ IT IN OWL MAGAZINE.

YOU READ ABOUT BONERS IN A KID'S SCIENCE MAGAZINE?

MAYBE IT WASN'T OWL.

IT WAS SOMETHING SCIENCE-Y.

POPULAR SCIENCE?

WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

GOT IT!

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A BREAK AND ENTER.

A PETTY BEER THEFT

INVOLVING A TRAUMATIZED GERIATRIC.

GET HER IN,

GET THE STORY FIRSTHAND.

YES, SIR.

WE'RE ON IT.

REMEMBER, SHE'S STILL IN SHOCK.

TAKE HER STATEMENT,

AND ACT LIKE FUCKING PROFESSIONALS.

UNDERSTAND?

WE WON'T LET YOU DOWN, SIR.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

YOU'RE JUST LUCKY YOU'VE GOT GREAT HAIR.

I WANT TO FUCK THAT HAIR.

IS IT WEIRD THAT I WANT TO FUCK THAT HAIR?

NO.

[ELECTRICITY CHARGING]

CLEAR!

[FARTING VIOLENTLY]

OKAY, CLARE, I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK.

GARY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

IS HE DEAD THIS TIME?

WELL, HE APPEARS TO BE BREATHING OUT OF HIS ASS.

[FARTING]

[COOING]: YOU POOR LITTLE FAT TEDDY BEAR.

ADAM, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO FERNIE.

DO IT FOR GARY, MAY HE REST IN PEACE.

HE'S NOT DEAD.

YET.

ISN'T THERE ANYONE ELSE?

I'LL ASK AROUND.

[SHOUTING] GARY!

YOU BLOATED UNHEALTHY FUCK!

CAN YOU FLY YOUR ALMOST-DEAD FAT ASS TO FERNIE

TO FILE THOSE PAPERS?

[SWEETLY] NOPE.

LOOKS LIKE GARY CAN'T MAKE IT.

[DRYLY] HAVE A NICE FLIGHT.

[♪]

I'M SORRY I CAN'T GET OUT OF IT.

I'LL ONLY IN FERNIE TILL MONDAY.

WELL, I SEE WHERE YOUR PRIORITIES LIE.

YOU JUST WANT TO GO UP THERE

AND PARTY WITH YOUR LOSER FRIEND, THEO.

[CHIME OF INCOMING CALL]

LOOK, I'VE GOT ANOTHER CALL COMING IN

THAT I GOT TO TAKE.

NO, DON'T YOU HANG UP ON ME--

LOVE YOU.

HEY, JASON.

[SHOUTING AND COMMOTION OVER PHONE]

HELLO? JASON?

[GASPS AND MOANS OVER PHONE]

JASON!

HELLO?

HEY, MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON?

HELLO? WHO IS THIS?

IT'S ADAM.

OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP, ADAM?

HOW YOU DOING, BABY?

LOOK, I'M KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW, MAN.

YOU CALLED ME. ARE YOU OKAY?

ARE YOU JOGGING OR SOMETHING?

OH, SHIT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAN, I POCKET-DIALED YOU,

BUT WITH MY PENIS.

MY DICK POCKET-DIALED YOU.

THAT'S CRAZY...

AWESOME.

[WOMAN GASPING] YEAH, OH, YEAH...

YEAH, IT IS AWESOME.

HERE, LET ME GET YOUR SHOE.

[GASPING IN ECSTASY]

YEAH...

YO, MAN, WHERE YOU AT, SON?

I'M IN A PLANE ON MY WAY TO FERNIE.

OH, THAT'S CRAZY!

I'M SCHEDULED TO FLY TO CALGARY TODAY.

WE SHOULD TOTALLY HOOK UP.

SORRY, MAN, I DON'T HAVE TIME.

OKAY, COOL.

I WILL MEET YOU OUT IN FERNIE. HOW ABOUT THAT?

ISN'T IT KIND OF EXPENSIVE

FOR YOU JUST TO FLY IN FOR THE WEEKEND?

OH, BABY-- MAN, I'M A FLIGHT ATTENDANT.

MEANS I CAN FLY ANYWHERE I WANT TO FLY.

DO YOU THINK I TOOK THIS JOB FOR THE SHINY GOLD WINGS?

WATCH MY WINGS, BABY.

I THOUGHT YOU TOOK THE JOB

SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE, UH, SEX WITH THE STEWARDESSES.

I'M INSULTED BY THAT, MAN.

HOW SHALLOW DO YOU THINK I AM?

THAT DEPENDS.

ARE YOU WITH A STEWARDESS RIGHT NOW?

WHOA, NOT THE BUM, GIRL, NOT THE BUM!

AW...

ANYWAY, DON'T COME--

[SPLASH]

UH...

DON'T COME TO FERNIE.

I'VE GOT A LOT OF THINGS...

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO SEE YOU, ALL RIGHT?

DO NOT COME.

NO, FERNIE, NO CUMING IN FERNIE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, MAN.

I REALLY GOTS TO GO.

SEE YA LATER.

[SPLASHING] OH.

OH, SORRY.

YOU OKAY?

IT'S NO PROBLEM.

WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING MORRIS FOR ME FOR A SEC?

OH.

OKAY.

WE CALLED HIM MORRIS, YOU KNOW,

LIKE THAT CAT FROM THE COMMERCIALS?

WE DIDN'T HAVE A NAME FOR HIM FOR WEEKS,

BUT THEN REALIZED HE JUST LOVES MILK...

[SPLASHING]

I MEAN, HE KEEPS SUCKING ON ME

LIKE A VACUUM.

MY NIPPLES GET REALLY CHAFED, YOU KNOW?

YOU LOOK REALLY FAMILIAR.

ARE YOU FROM FERNIE?

ORIGINALLY, YEAH, BUT I MOVED TO TORONTO.

YOU USED TO HANG OUT WITH THEO, RIGHT?

I'M FRIENDS WITH HIS OLDER SISTER.

ANNIE. ANNIE BENSON.

ANNIE. HI.

HI.

RIGHT. ANNIE.

WOW.

YOU HAVE GOT TO SAY HI TO THEO FOR ME.

HE MUST BE REALLY SUCCESSFUL NOW.

I THOUGHT HE'D BE SOME SORT OF CEO

OR NEUROSURGEON.

HE WAS ALWAYS SO BRIGHT.

HE FAILED THE FOURTH GRADE--

[SPLASHING]

AND UH, AND THE SEVENTH,

AND THE EIGHTH.

MEANS NOTHING.

ALBERT EISENSTEIN FAILED SCHOOL

AND THEN WENT ON TO BECOME THE GREATEST PHYSICIST

OF THE 20th CENTURY.

HOW DO YOU THINK HE DID THAT?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

HOW DO YOU THINK HE CAME UP WITH E EQUALS MC-TWO?

YOU THINK HE SLEPT HIS WAY TO THE TOP?

NO, I, UH...

[LAUGHS] YOU DO, DON'T YOU?

YOU THINK HE FUCKED HIS WAY INTO THE NOBEL PRIZE,

AND SOMEONE ELSE CAME UP WITH

THE THEORY OF NEGATIVITY.

[WHISPERS] THEO...

WAS A GENIUS.

CAN YOU SEE ANYTHING?

NOT YET, THEO.

KEEP RELAXING.

YOU'RE FEELING ALL THE ENERGY COMING OUT OF YOUR FINGERTIPS

ONTO YOUR...

SHAG CARPET.

IS THERE ANY MORE FOOD?

CHECK THE FRIDGE, DUDE.

I THINK I'M STARTING TO FEEL IT NOW.

DO YOU SEE ANYTHING?

UH...

YOUR ENERGY IS BROWN.

I KNEW IT.

WE NEED AT LEAST 12 MORE SESSIONS.

12?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE'D BE DONE IN, LIKE, FOUR SESSIONS.

YOU WANT TO WALK AROUND WITH A BROWN AURA?

12 SESSIONS.

I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE THE MONEY FOR THAT.

STOP YOUR NEGATIVITY.

CLASSIC BROWN AURA BEHAVIOUR.

SORRY.

I'VE GOTTA STOP BEING SO BROWN.

HEY, YOU WANNA HANG OUT?

I GOT THAT HIGH-SPEED INTERNET CONNECTION

THAT YOU WANTED ME TO GET.

UH...

I'LL COME BACK IN A WHILE,

MAYBE WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND.

REALLY?

I HAVE A LOT OF DOWNLOADING TO DO.

I DON'T WANT TO MONOPOLIZE YOUR TIME.

COOL.

DOOR'S ALWAYS OPEN.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

SERIOUSLY?

I KNOW YOU HAVE WORK TO DO.

YOU WON'T EVEN NOTICE ME.

[LAUGHING HAPPILY]

HOW DID YOU FIND ME?

I TAILED YOU FROM THE AIRPORT.

WHY?

I'VE JUST ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.

I JUMPED IN THE CAB,

AND I WAS LIKE, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!"

OKAY.

[LAUGHS]

THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

NO, ITS COOL.

WHAT... IN THE FUCK?

WHAT KIND OF BACKWARD-ASS HOTEL IS THIS?

THIS IS MY FRIEND THEO'S PLACE.

HE WAXES SNOWBOARDS AND SKIS.

I THINK YOUR FRIEND IS HOMELESS, DAWG.

HE'S NOT.

I THINK HE IS.

WHAT'S UP, BITCHES?

IS THAT THEO?

NO.

I THINK THEO JUST GOT ROBBED.

THEO!

ADAM!

[LAUGHING HAPPILY] AWESOME!

THEO. THIS IS JASON.

HE'S A GOOD BUDDY OF MINE FROM TORONTO.

YONGO NANIMASKA.

HEY, MAN, UH, DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL, MAN?

IT SMELLS LIKE SOMEONE MIXED CINNAMON WITH-

WITH ASSHOLE.

I'M SORRY, I'M JUST BURNING SOME INCENSE.

I GOT IT FROM MY SPIRITUAL COUNSELLOR.

SPIRITUAL COUNSELLOR?

YEAH, AND PERSONAL TRAINER.

HE'S BEEN GIVING ME A LOT OF GREAT STRETCHING ROUTINES.

I'M LIKE AN INCH TALLER NOW.

I FEEL REALLY LIMBER.

[GRUNTING]

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU WILL OR DO,

BUT ARE YOU CAPABLE OF SUCKING ON YOUR OWN DICK?

[LAUGHS]

THIS GUY.

I LOVE HIM.

ANYWAY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

THIS IS CRAZY.

I'M HERE ON BUSINESS.

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT BUSINESS, MAN?

COME ON, WHAT YOU GOT TO DO ALL WEEKEND?

I HAVE TO FILE A PAPER AT CITY HALL.

AND I'M PLANNING A WEDDING ALL WEEKEND.

[KLAXON RINGTONE BLARES] YOU NEED TO RELAX, MAN.

JUST COME HAVE ONE BEER.

COOL, YEAH.

I WAS JUST GOING TO SHUT DOWN FOR THE DAY

ANYWAY, SO...

WHAT THE--

LET ME HELP YOU OUT THERE.

IT'S NOT GOING TO BITE.

I HAVE PLENTY OF ROOM FOR YOU GUYS

IF YOU WANT TO STAY.

AND I HAVE REALLY GOOD INTERNET NOW, TOO, SO...

THANKS, THEO, MAN.

I'M GOOD ANYWHERE.

THERE'S A ROOM IN THE BACK.

IT'S LIKE IT WAS MADE FOR YOU.

YOU DO KNOW I'M NOT JAPANESE, RIGHT?

[LAUGHING]

AS IF.

REALLY?

OKAY. MAYBE

WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

Y'ALL TWO CAN SHOW ME YOUR TOWN.

YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

IT'LL HELP ME SHAKE THIS WHOLE BROWN AURA THING

I GOT GOING ON.

BROWN?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BROWN?

YOU JUST NEED TO GET SOME FUCKIN' CLOTHES ON.

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

NOTHING WRONG WITH BROWN, SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT.

[LAUGHING] THIS GUY, I LOVE IT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[LAUGHING] NOT JAPANESE...

HMM.

THAT'S THEO.

MM-HMM.

SERIAL KILLER THEO.

NICE.

HE'S NOT LIKE THAT, MAN. HE'S A GOOD GUY.

YEAH, I KNOW THERE'S A FREEZER

FULL OF ASSES AND LIPS DOWNSTAIRS, TRUST ME.

[ADAM]: HE HAD A HEART ATTACK ON THE TOILET.

I WAS JUST SCOOCHING UNDERNEATH THE DOOR.

[JASON]: IT'S CALLED MOUTH-TO-MOUTH, MAN,

NOT MOUTH TO ASS.

COME ON.

[ROAR OF ROWDY CROWD]

WELL, I'LL BE BACK IN A SEC.

GOTTA PINCH A LITTLE BROWN AURA?

[CHUCKLES] YEAH.

I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH THAT DUDE.

HE IS SERIOUSLY...

WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR?

OH, YEAH, "FUCKED UP."

JUST GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

HEY, HE'S YOUR FRIEND, SO HE'S MY FRIEND, OKAY?

BUT FOR REAL?

MY MAN LOOKS LIKE A HAIRY BASKETBALL WITH TEETH.

YOU KNOW MAYBE THIS WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

I'M EXHAUSTED.

HEY, MAN, THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH YOU BEING ENGAGED.

YOUR DICK HAS NO REASON TO BE IN HERE.

YOU NEED TO TRICK YOUR DICK

INTO THINKING THAT YOU'RE NOT ENGAGED.

NOW, CHECK OUT THAT GIRL RIGHT THERE.

YOU GO TALK TO THAT GIRL,

THAT WILL CONFUSE YOUR DICK.

SOW THE SEEDS OF DOUBT INTO YOUR DICK'S MIND.

YEAH, I'M GOING TO GO TO THEO'S,

AND I'M GOING TO GO TO SLEEP.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN? HAVE ONE DRINK.

YOU SAID ONE DRINK. LET'S GO.

OKAY, ONE DRINK,

THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING TO TALK TO HER.

ONE DRINK, THEN YOU'RE GOING TO TALK TO HER.

[LAUGHING]

OW!

YOU SHOULD WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING--

OH, MY GOD.

DANIELLE!

YES!

IT'S BEEN FOREVER.

HOW ARE YOU?

REALLY GOOD.

REALLY SURPRISED TO SEE YOU HERE.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU TOO.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW UGLY YOU WERE BEFORE,

BUT GOD DAMN, YOU BANGING NOW, GIRL.

YOU HOT AS SHIT!

THANK YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE.

THIS IS A BUDDY OF MINE, JASON.

HEY, JASON.

[THEO]: HEY, DANIELLE!

HEY, THEO! HI. HI. HI.

YOU REMEMBER ADAM?

YEAH, OF COURSE.

SO, HOW LONG ARE YOU GUYS IN TOWN FOR?

A WEEKEND.

I'M HERE ON BUSINESS.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU STILL LIVE HERE?

YEAH.

WELL, I LEFT FOR A FEW YEARS

TO GO TO UNIVERSITY.

THANK YOU, THEO.

BUT TURNS OUT MY DEGREE

HELPED ME GET A JOB

AND LANDED ME RIGHT BACK HERE IN FERNIE, SO...

VERY COOL.

OH, GREAT.

WHAT?

I'M SURE YOU REMEMBER MICK

FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

OH, UNFORTUNATELY, I DO.

WELL, WELL, WELL,

IF IT ISN'T TWEEDLE DEE, TWEEDLE DUM,

AND TWEEDLE...

BLACK GUY I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU IN TOWN FOR, TURD-EATING CONTEST?

[LAUGHS WHEEZILY]

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE TOWN YOU COME FROM.

I'M'A LEAVE YOU

AND FREDDIE MERCURY'S LOVE CHILD

TO DEAL WITH IT.

HAVE FUN, EXCUSE ME.

HEY, DANIELLE.

WE SHOULD BANG SOMETIME.

I'LL PUT THE "YELL!"

INTO "DANIELLE."

AND I'LL PUT MY VAGINA IN YOUR DICK.

SORRY TO HEAR

ABOUT YOUR WAXING SHIT-OPOLIS.

IF YOU NEED WORK,

DADDY HAS SOME ASBESTOS HE NEEDS REMOVED

FROM HIS FACTORY LOFT PROJECT.

NO? NO TAKERS?

WELL, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH THEN.

NOT YOU, DANIELLE.

[MAKES SQUELCHING NOISES]

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HUH?

[SQUELCHING]

FEED YOU SOME OATS.

[LAUGHS WHEEZILY]

WHY DON'T YOU

TURN AROUND IMMEDIATELY,

WALK OUT THAT DOOR

BEFORE I KICK YOUR NUTS

UP INTO THAT SHIT-TUB YOU CALL A BRAIN.

AND TAKE YOUR CREEPY QUASIMODO WITH YOU.

OH, YEAH?

[LAUGHING] YEAH.

I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK OFF.

WHAT?

[BARGING AND SMASHING]

[CLANKING LAMPSHADE]

[STORMING THROUGH DOOR]

WOW.

YEAH, THAT HAPPENS EVERY FRIDAY.

-REALLY? -MM-HMM.

CAN YOU BELIEVE HE STILL LIVES HERE?

HEY, EVERYBODY,

THIS IS CONNIE, SYLVIA, AND CAROL.

YEAH, I'VE MANAGED TO TALK MYSELF

INTO THEIR LITTLE BOOKCLUB.

WE TALKING ABOUT MOBY DICK TONIGHT, AIN'T WE, GIRLS?

[CHUCKLES]

THEO, CAN WE GET SOME DRINKS FOR THE LADIES?

- RIGHT. - THANKS, BROTHER.

I'M STARTING TO LIKE YOUR LITTLE BACKWARD-ASSED TOWN.

WE'RE GOING TO GO BACK TO CYNTHIA'S PLACE

AND DISCUSS HOW MY PROTAGONIST

CAN FIT INTO EACH ONE OF THEIR BACK STORIES.

SOME DRINKS!

WE NEED TO GET SOME ALCOHOL.

MY COUGARS BE THIRSTY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S MOVE THAT HO TRAIN OUT, GIRLS.

BACK TO YOUR PLACE.

[LAUGHS]

DRINK TILL WE FORGET.

ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU IN A BIT.

[ADAM]: WHY IS IT

WHEN YOU SAY IT'S GOING TO BE ONE DRINK,

IT NEVER IS.

[CHUCKLING]

HOW DID THE HO TRAIN GO?

YEAH, HO TRAIN GOT DERAILED.

OH, NO.

YEAH.

HEY, THEO, WHAT WAS MICK TALKING ABOUT?

EVERYTHING'S OKAY AT WAX-OPOLIS, RIGHT?

BECAUSE FROM THE WAY HE WAS TALKING,

IT SEEMED LIKE YOU MIGHT BE IN A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE.

"TROUBLE" IS A VERY "SUBJECTIVE" WORD.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

ESSENTIALLY,

I BELIEVE THAT MICK'S IDEA OF "TROUBLE"

IS THAT I NEED TO RAISE $15,000

TO SAVE THE BUSINESS.

15 GRAND?

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

THEO, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

WELL, I DID BORROW SOME MONEY.

FOR WHAT?

I TRIED A FEW ALTERNATIVE METHODS OF MAKING MONEY

IN THE OFF-SEASON

THAT DIDN'T REALLY PAN OUT.

[SCOFFS] LIKE WHAT?

MOSTLY WAX-BASED ENTERPRISES

LIKE CANDLES,

AND HAIR REMOVAL,

LIKE BACKS AND VAGINAS AND SUCH.

[SCOFFS] I'LL BET.

OKAY.

LET'S GO.

I'M BAGGED, AND I'VE HAD A REALLY SHITTY DAY.

THEO, DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU

THAT WOMEN MIGHT NOT WANT RAINMAN

PUTTING HOT WAX ON THEIR PUBIC HAIR

AND TEARING IT OUT AND STUFF?

[LAUGHING] THIS GUY, I LOVE IT!

WHEN DO YOU NEED THE MONEY BY?

TECHNICALLY, I HAVE UNTIL MONDAY.

BUT NOT UNTIL 5:00 P.M.

OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD BE FINE, THEN.

JESUS CHRIST, HOW ARE YOU SO UNFAZED BY THIS, THEO?

SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.

IT'S KARMA, THE LAW OF THE UNIVERSE.

LOOK, I WOULD HELP OUT,

BUT ALL MY MONEY'S TIED UP IN A CONDO DOWN-PAYMENT.

YEAH, AND I WOULD HELP, TOO, BUT...

ACTUALLY, NO, I WOULDN'T HELP YOU, BRAH.

YOU'RE A BIT OF A FUCK-UP, MAN.

SORRY.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF YOU LOSE THE PLACE?

I GUESS I'LL LIVE OFF THE LAND,

AND ON THE CHARITY OF MY FELLOW BRETHREN.

THAT'S A GREAT STRATEGY.

THE HOBO WHO LIVES IN THE DUMPSTER BEHIND MY OFFICE

HAS THE SAME BUSINESS MODEL.

HEY.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE THE MOTHER OF ALL PARTIES

AND TRASH THE PLACE?

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA,

EXCEPT...

LET'S NOT TRASH THE PLACE, RIGHT?

WE'LL JUST HAVE THE MOTHER OF ALL PARTIES.

20 BUCKS A HEAD.

OR MORE.

CASH BAR.

I THINK WE CAN COVER THE DEBT.

WORST CASE SCENARIO,

BOATLOADS OF WOMEN,

AND WE HAVE A LICENCE TO PRINT VAGINA.

WHAT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

OKAY, LOOK, I THINK WE HAVE A GOOD PLAN.

MM-HMM.

THIS COULD WORK.

YEAH!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING SOME KUNG FU OR SOMETHING.

NO.

CHECK IT OUT, DUDES.

WELL,

THAT'S REAL COOL.

I REALLY LIKE

THE GUITAR-TOTING SNOWBOARDING JESUS.

[ENTRY CHIMES JINGLE]

HEY, THEO, I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT,

I HAVE THIS, UM, "SITUATION."

[UNZIPPING]

LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS!

AND I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I KIND OF LIKE IT.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

IT LOOKS LIKE A VIKING IS EATING A TULIP.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

THIS ISN'T MY WAX JOB, IT'S BARBARIC.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE BUCKWHEAT IN A LEGLOCK.

I FEEL LIKE THERE'S AN EWOK

TRYING TO SELL A BEARSKIN RUG TO MY LABIA.

YOU KNOW WHAT,

YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE HARD ON YOURSELF.

THAT'S VERY EUROPEAN.

TRES AU NATUREL.

IT'S MORE LIKE AN OLD MAN CHOKING ON A PERSIAN CAT.

[MURMURING IN AGREEMENT]

OR LIKE SASQUATCH TRYING TO PLAY A SMALL ACCORDION.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

WHY DON'T YOU HEAD INTO THE BACK, AND-- WOW.

WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

GUYS, THIS, UM, MIGHT TAKE A WHILE.

YEAH, YEAH.

GO.

SHE MUST DO KEGELS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

VICK WINS!

[CHUCKLES]

[CALL RINGING]

WHAT!

DADDY, IT'S MICK.

YEAH, I KNOW IT'S YOU, DICKWAD.

MAKE IT QUICK. I'M WITH AN INVESTOR.

WAXOPOLIS.

IT'S NOT A DONE DEAL.

WHAT?

YOU'D BETTER BE JOKING, SHITWEASEL,

BECAUSE NOT ONLY

IS THAT PROPERTY CRUCIAL TO MY HOTEL PLAN,

IT'S THE NEXT STEP

IN PAVING OVER THAT BACKWARD FUCKING TOWN

AND CREATING A REAL DEVELOPMENT!

YEAH, BUT...

THEO AND HIS FRIENDS

ARE THROWING SOME LAME FUNDRAISING PARTY

TO MAKE THE PAYMENT.

WELL, THEN, ASS-MONKEY,

I GUESS SOMEBODY HAS TO MAKE SURE

HE DOESN'T THROW THAT PARTY!

I'LL STOP THE PARTY, DADDY.

I GOT TO GO.

SAY HI TO THAT USELESS DIPSHIT BROTHER OF YOURS.

BARRY!

DAD SAYS HE HATES YOU.

I LOVE YOU, DADDY.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

[CALL DISCONNECTS]

LET'S GO, SHIT-SMOOTHIE.

WE GOT A WAX SHOP TO FUCK.

[LEANING ON HORN]

LET'S GO!

FUCK...

DAD LOVES ME.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

WELL...

IF IT ISN'T THE TWO TESTICLES.

NO POINT ON WASTING YOUR TIME

WITH YOUR LITTLE PARTY.

YOU NEED A PERMIT,

WHICH I PRESUME YOU DON'T HAVE,

BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON.

WOW.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?

LISTEN TO ME, DOUCHENOZZLE.

IT TAKES TWO WEEKS TO GET A PERMIT,

SO YOU'RE FUCKING LITTLE WAXOPOLIS FUNDRAISER

ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO WILL JUST HAVE TO STAY HERE,

AND WAX EACH OTHER OFF.

WHATEVER.

WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO FAST-TRACK THE PERMIT ANYWAY.

[LAUGHS DERISIVELY]

FUNNY ONE, CUM-PLOW.

YOU THINK THE PERMIT OFFICE IS EVEN GOING TO GIVE A CARE

ABOUT YOUR BULLSHIT LEGAL ASS-PUKING?

NO, YOU NEED A PERMIT.

NO PERMIT, NO FUCKING PARTY.

[EXHALES BREATHILY]

YOU'RE IN FERNIE NOW, DOROTHY.

FUCK YOU GUYS LATER.

[CACKLES]

GET TO STEPPING, SLINGBLADE.

[♪]

OH... WHOA.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A WALK IN THE PARK, MAN.

I WILL NOT ONLY GET THE PERMIT,

I WILL HAVE HER AT THE PARTY

WITH SIX OF HER HOTTEST FRIENDS,

AND NOBODY WILL BE WEARING DRAWERS.

YOU REALLY NEED TO WORK ON YOUR CONFIDENCE.

MM.

WHAT CAN I SAY, MAN?

31 YEARS OLD,

HOTTEST GIRL IN COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

ALWAYS THOUGHT HER LIFE WOULD ADD UP TO MORE

THAN JUST BEING A PAPER PUSHER.

DATED THE QUARTERBACK

TILL HE KNOCKED UP HER BEST FRIEND.

NICE HAIR, TASTEFUL MAKE-UP,

PROBABLY WENT TO BEAUTY SCHOOL,

WORKED AS A STYLIST TILL HER HOURS GOT CUT BACK.

PUSH-UP BRA,

SO YOU KNOW SHE KEEPS TRYING,

EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NOBODY IN THIS JOINT TO TRY FOR.

KEEPS GETTING HIT ON BY CHIP OVER THERE,

AND HE KEEPS EMAILING HER PICTURES OF HIS PENIS.

AND SHE'S STARTING TO WONDER

IF MAYBE THAT'S THE BEST SHE CAN DO.

SHE NEEDS OUT OF THIS TOWN, AND I'M HERE TO RESCUE HER.

I'M LIKE KING ARTHUR,

AND MY DICK IS EXCALIBUR.

OKAY, I GOT TO GO REGISTER THIS.

YEAH. YEAH...

I WORK ALONE.

[CHUCKLING]

HI.

I'M HERE TO FILE THE MAGNADEUCE INJUNCTION.

[CLARE'S KLAXON RINGTONE BLARES]

HI, CLARE.

YOU'VE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE TO REACH.

ARE YOU SCREENING MY CALLS?

WE SPOKE EARLIER TODAY.

OH, SO NOW I'M NAGGING YOU?

I NEVER SAID THAT.

I'VE BEEN BUSY.

SO PARTYING WITH YOUR LOSER FRIENDS IS TIRING?

COOL DOWN, CLARE.

COOL DOWN?

I AM SO FUCKING COOL,

I'M FUCKING MENSTRUATING ICE CUBES!

IS THAT COOL ENOUGH FOR YOU?

[CRYING AND WHIMPERING]

ARE YOU OKAY?

HEY.

I'M SORRY.

COULD YOU JUST SEND ME THE LIST FOR THE DJ?

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

UH. OKAY.

THANKS. LOVE YOU. BYE.

BYE.

THANK YOU.

[JASON SINGING LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON]

YEAH.

MICHAEL AIN'T DEAD.

WHOO!

MM! UNH!

SO...

THIS SASQUATCH ATTACK

ALL TOOK PLACE IN YOUR KITCHEN, CORRECT?

YES. THAT'S CORRECT.

OKAY, I JUST WANT TO GO OVER

HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN.

FRESH, YOU STAND OVER THERE AND BE SASQUATCH.

MA'AM, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

LET'S GO OVER THIS.

NOW, YOU SAID YOU HEARD A CRASH OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR.

I COME TO THE DOOR

I SEE THE CREATURE.

I GRAB A BROOM, LIKE SO,

THEN I KICK HIM IN THE BALLS LIKE THAT.

OKAY, BUT BEFORE HE ACCOSTED YOU,

WERE YOU BLOCKING HIS SIGHT-LINE TO THE FRIDGE.

NO. I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER

I TOOK A STEP TO THE SIDE

AS THE CREATURE GRABBED MY WRIST,

AND THEN I KICKED HIM IN THE BALLS, LIKE SO.

[GASPING]

WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?

WE WERE JUST GOING OVER THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS, SIR.

LET'S HEAR IT.

WE DON'T WANT TO WASTE YOUR TIME.

I APPRECIATE THAT,

BUT MAYBE A FRESH PAIR OF EYES CAN HELP.

I WAS JUST SAYING

THAT THE CREATURE GRABBED MY WRIST,

AND THEN I KICKED HIM IN THE BALLS,

LIKE THIS.

[GASPING]

SO, THE SASQUATCH HAD A CLEAR SIGHT-LINE

TO THE FRIDGE THAT CONTAINED KOKANEE.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOU KICKED THE SASQUATCH?

OH, THANK YOU.

LET ME SEE...

[GASPING IN PAIN]

I TURNED AND FLED.

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.

YOU CAN LEAVE, MA'AM.

[FRESH COUGHING AND GROANING IN AGONY]

[WALKER SQUEAKING]

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU TWO.

LOOK, SOME MUSICIAN CALLED SNOW

IS ARRIVING IN TOWN.

FERNIE PD HAS NO EXTRA MEN FOR SECURITY DETAIL,

SO YOU GUYS ARE IT.

[GROANS]

AW, SNOW?

THAT'S AWESOME.

YOU KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL.

YOU PICK HIM UP AT THE AIRPORT

AND MAKE SURE NO ONE GETS UP IN HIS GRILL,

YOU UNDERSTAND?

OF COURSE, SIR.

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT FUCK THIS UP.

OH, GLACIER?

SOME OF THE EVIDENCE PHOTOS FROM YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S CAMERA

GOT, UH, WATER DAMAGED.

COULD YOU GET ME SOME DUPLICATE COPIES?

YEAH, OF COURSE.

GREAT.

IF YOU COULD BLOW THEM UP TO 11 X 17,

THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

I THINK HE'S REALLY WARMING UP TO US.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[♪]

SO DID YOU ASK HER TO BEAT IT?

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

[LAUGHING]

THAT'S FUNNY.

HELLO, COLON CLEANSERS.

I FIGURED YOU WOULD HAVE CRAWLED OUT OF TOWN

NOW THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR LITTLE PAR-TAY.

[LAUGHS WHEEZILY]

SHOW HIM, THEO.

WAIT FOR IT.

WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU BLOOD-FARTS

GET A PERMIT?

LET'S JUST SAY WE HAVE AN "IN."

[LAUGHS]

OKAY, BOYS,

THIS ONE'S ON ME.

AND LATER, I'M GOING TO BE ON YOU.

MM-- OOH. OH...

GOODNESS.

[KICKING TABLE]

MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]

[THUMPING UNDER THE TABLE]

OOH.

[SIGHING]

[SPEED-DIALS PHONE NUMBER]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[HITS BALL]

AH!

[CALL STILL RINGING]

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS FUCKING GAME TO ME?

HELLO!

HI, DADDY.

CRAZIEST THING HAPPENED TODAY.

IT'S ABOUT THE PERMIT.

THEY GOT IT.

WELL, HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK ONE OF THEO'S FRIEND'S SEDUCED THE PERMIT GUY.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

WE NEED TO CHANGE COURSE.

NOW, MY GOOD FRIEND AND MUSICIAN, SNOW, IS IN TOWN,

LOOKING AT ONE OF MY INVESTMENT PROPERTIES.

AND?

WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT THE FAT GUY

SITTING NEXT TO YOU ON THE BUS,

YOU THROW A PACK OF ROLOS DOWN THE AISLE.

UH, I DON'T GET IT, DADDY.

IF YOU WANT TO STOP THE DOG FROM LICKING ITS BALLS,

YOU'VE GOT TO COVER YOUR OWN BALLS IN PEANUT BUTTER!

STILL NOT CLEAR.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY TO YOU

IS YOU PUT A CONCERT ON WITH SNOW

ON THE SAME FUCKING NIGHT, MORON!

NO ONE WILL PAY ATTENTION TO HIS LAME-ASS PARTY.

NOW, GET ON IT.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

REALLY APPRECIATE YOU HELPING OUT, DANIELLE.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

I SENT INVITES OUT TO ALL MY FRIENDS,

TOLD THEM TO SPREAD THE WORD.

JEREMIAH, HEY, MAN,

ARE YOU FREE THIS WEEKEND?

WE'RE HAVING A PARTY HERE ON SUNDAY NIGHT.

THIS SUNDAY?

YEAH.

I'M SORRY, I AM BUSY.

REALLY?

SNOW IS PLAYING AT THE LEGION.

A SNOW CONCERT?

I DIDN'T HEAR ABOUT THIS.

IT WAS JUST ANNOUNCED.

EVERYONE IN TOWN IS GOING.

YOU SHOULD MOVE YOUR PARTY.

COME ON OUT.

I'M SORRY, DUDE,

I CAN'T SWITCH THE DATE OF MY PARTY.

MY SOUL ACHES FOR YOU, THEO.

THANKS, JEREMIAH.

PLEASE, BE STRONG.

AND DO NOT INTERRUPT ME FOR AT LEAST 15 MINUTES.

[SIGHS] MAN.

WE'RE FINISHED.

IT'S A SMALL SHOW.

AND IT'S SNOW.

HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE SNOW?

SNOW IS HUGE.

ADAM, SNOW IS THE SHIT OUT HERE.

YOU JUST DON'T FUCK WITH SNOW.

REALLY?

SNOW IS BIG OUT HERE?

WE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

I GOT TO MAKE A CALL.

[DIALING NUMBER]

[CALL RINGING]

[NOVELTY RINGTONE FARTS AND HONKS]

HELLO?

GARY. HEY, IT'S ADAM.

YOU FEELING ANY BETTER?

NO, I FEEL LIKE A BAG OF COCKS.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY OUT THERE?

YEAH. UH, WELL, NO.

A FRIEND OF MINE IS ABOUT TO LOSE HIS SKI WAXING BUSINESS.

HE OWES MONEY ON HIS PROPERTY,

AND WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY

TO STOP HIM FROM LOSING EVERYTHING.

THIS IS THE WAXOPOLIS PROPERTY, YEAH?

YEAH, HOW DID YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE MAGNADEUCE

IS TRYING TO ACQUIRE THAT PIECE OF LAND.

THE PAPER YOU FILED AT CITY HALL

WAS A TEMPORARY INJUNCTION ON A DEVELOPMENT FREEZE.

WAIT.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

THAT YOU BASICALLY CLEARED A PATH FOR OUR CLIENT

TO COME IN AND SNAP UP YOUR FRIEND'S PROPERTY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS?

UH, "A" YOU NEVER ASKED,

"B" I DON'T KNOW YOUR FRIEND FROM A HOLE IN MY ASS,

"C" MAGNA DEUCE IS ONE OF OUR FIRM'S BIGGEST CLIENTS,

AND THEY PAY MY SALARY.

OH, FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK! THIS IS--

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I'M SORRY, ADAM.

THERE'S NOT MUCH THAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT IT NOW.

OKAY.

DO ME A FAVOUR AND DON'T TELL ANYBODY IN THE OFFICE.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

BUT IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE EDITH STARTS ASKING QUESTIONS.

YOU KNOW HER.

YEAH, I'LL HANDLE IT.

THANKS, GARY.

FUCK.

[♪]

THE POOR GUY'S EXHAUSTED FROM THE FLIGHT IN.

MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE HIM A COUPLE MINUTES.

[GRUMBLES]

FRESH, DO YOU THINK I'M NEEDY?

WHAT?

NO.

NO WAY.

WHY?

MY THERAPIST THINKS I'M NEEDY.

YOU'RE SEEING A THERAPIST?

CATHY RECOMMENDED I SEE A THERAPIST

BECAUSE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP TROUBLES.

YOU'RE SEEING A THERAPIST

BECAUSE SHE HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER GUY?

SHE THINKS I'M AN ENABLER.

HMM.

ANYWAY, MY THERAPIST THINKS

I IMPOSE TOO MANY BOUNDARIES ON CATHY.

WOW.

THAT'S PRETTY FRIGGIN' DEEP STUFF.

CATHY SAYS HE'S EXTREMELY PROGRESSIVE.

HE SUGGESTED A NO-BOUNDARIES WEEKEND SEMINAR IN LAS VEGAS.

SOUNDS AWESOME.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING?

OH. I'M NOT GOING.

IT'S JUST THE TWO OF 'EM.

CATHY SAYS HE LIKES TO WORK ONE-ON-ONE.

THAT'S COOL.

CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY.

THANKS, FRESH.

SEE, I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

HMM.

HEY, IS THAT A NEW FLARE GUN?

YUP.

THE NEW SG233.

LONG FIRE FLARES THAT LAST, LIKE,

FIVE TIMES AS LONG AS THE REGULAR FLARE GUN.

[TOGETHER]: VERY COOL.

[SNOW MUMBLING GROGGILY]

[MUMBLED SINGING]

♪ INFORMER LICKY BOOM-BOOM DOWN... ♪

FRESH,

HE'S SINGING IN HIS SLEEP.

DUDE, THIS IS LIKE A PRIVATE CONCERT.

♪ LICKY-DICKY BOOM-BOOM DOWN... ♪

[WHISPERING] I HAVE GOT TO RECORD THIS!

OH, SHIT, I MUST HAVE DOZED OFF.

GEEZ, POINT THAT SOMEWHERE ELSE, BROTHER.

YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

HEY, DON'T WORRY.

FRESH ISN'T STUPID ENOUGH TO BRING A LOADED FLARE GUN

INTO THE CAR.

JET LAGGED LIKE A...

[GROANS]

HEY, SNOW.

IS IT BE OKAY IF FRESH TAKES A PICTURE OF YOU,

AND I CAN SEND IT TO MY GIRLFRIEND, CATHY?

SHE'S A HUGE FAN.

YEAH, MAN, NO PROBLEM.

CATHY?

I KNEW A GIRL CATHY FROM FERNIE,

CAME TO MY CONCERT ONE TIME.

YEAH, SHE TOURED WITH THE BAND FOR ABOUT A MONTH,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

BUT GO AHEAD TAKE THAT PICTURE.

-READY, SNOW? -YEAH.

SMILE.

[CLICKS SHUTTER]

[FIRES FLARE GUN]

OH, THIS IS SO

NOT GONNA LOOK GOOD ON MY PERFORMANCE REVIEW.

NO, IT'S NOT.

[♪]

♪ THE LINE RUNS THROUGH LIKE A TRAIN IN A BOOK ♪

♪ OR METRES UNDERWATER

♪ ENDING WITH A HOOK

♪ IT SWAYS IN THE AIR

♪ WHEN THERE'S WIND ENOUGH TO LIFT... ♪

-HEY. -HEY.

-HOW'S IT GOING? -GOOD.

WELL?

-THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. -RIGHT?

I KNOW, THIS PLACE IS MY FAVOURITE.

YOU HAVE TO TRY THE BAGELS HERE.

THEY'RE THE SHIT.

HEY, DO YOU GUYS WANT ANY BREAKFAST?

UH, COULD I GET

A VENTI DECAF SOY LATTE

AND A GLUTEN-FREE CRAN-APPLE SCONE?

OKAY, WE'LL JUST HAVE TWO COFFEES

AND THE USUAL, PLEASE.

THANK YOU, MIKE.

[QUIETLY] WE'RE IN FERNIE.

RIGHT.

[CHUCKLES]

UM, THEO IS SO GENEROUS.

I HAVE NO IDEA

HOW HE MAKES A LIVING.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT GUY.

HE'S JUST THROWING HIS LIFE AWAY.

WHY? COME ON, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

HE'S HAPPY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

ARE YOU HAPPY?

SURE.

FOR THE MOST PART.

[CHUCKLES]

I AM KIND OF STRESSED OUT

WITH SOME OF THIS WEDDING STUFF.

REALLY? YOU SHOULD TELL ME.

I WANT TO KNOW. PLEASE?

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED?

IT'S NOT COMPLICATED.

YOU'RE BASICALLY ORGANIZING A PARTY.

IT COULD BE DONE IN, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, SIX HOURS.

I SWEAR, THE COMPLEXITY OF IT ALL

IS JUST A WOMAN'S WAY OF TESTING HOW MUCH BULLSHIT

HER FUTURE SUCKER'S GOING TO PUT UP WITH.

WOW. YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC.

ACTUALLY, I AM.

I JUST DON'T THINK "ROMANCE" AND "WEDDING"

SHOULD EVER BE UTTERED IN THE SAME SENTENCE EVER,

EVER, EVER.

OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ROMANCE IS?

I DON'T HAVE AN IDEA OF ROMANCE.

ROMANCE JUST HAPPENS.

IT'S JUST ROMANCE, IT'S WHAT IT IS.

IT'S, YOU KNOW...

HOW YOU FEEL WHEN YOU LOOK AT SOMEONE IN THE EYES

AND YOU KNOW THEY'RE FEELING

THE EXACT SAME WAY THAT YOU ARE.

OR IT'S, YOU KNOW,

DRINKING PEACH SCHNAPPS

OUT OF YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BELLYBUTTON

BEFORE FUCKING LIKE HOBOS ON BATHSALTS

FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF,

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST PRETTY SURE WHATEVER IT IS,

IT'S NOT GETTING DRUNK AND DANCING TO ENRIQUE IGLESIAS

IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR PARENTS' FRIENDS.

YOU SEE, WE COULD NEVER DATE,

BECAUSE I WOULD NOT DRINK ANYTHING OUT OF A BELLYBUTTON.

THEY'RE FILTHY,

RIGHT?

THEY'RE LIKE A NON-FUNCTIONING

SLIGHTLY MORE ATTRACTIVE ANUS.

EW.

YEAH.

[KLAXON RINGTONE BLARES]

I JUST HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

BECAUSE YOU'RE A PRETTY GOOD CATCH.

[NEWS REPORT]: THIS JUST IN,

JUNO AWARD-WINNING REGGAE MUSICIAN SNOW

IS IN CRITICAL CONDITION

AFTER BEING SHOT IN THE THROAT WITH A FLARE GUN...

THIS IS HUGE.

I'VE GOT TO CALL THE GUYS.

...THE CONCERT SCHEDULED FOR SUNDAY NIGHT IN FERNIE

IS CANCELLED.

IT'S TRUE.

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT SNOW IS OUT?

THERE'S NO WAY HE CAN PERFORM.

WHY IS IT

THAT EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH TURNS TO SHIT?

IT WASN'T MY FAULT!

IT WAS AN ACT OF GOD.

WELL, WE BETTER PRAY

THAT AN ACT OF GOD STOPS THIS LOSER'S PARTY,

OR ELSE!

OR ELSE?

THE BALLS WILL NO LONGER

SHARE THE TAINT WITH THE ANUS.

I DON'T FOLLOW.

HOLD ON.

MM.

SERGIO, THIS IS DELICIOUS. LOAD ME UP.

YOU SOLVE THIS PROBLEM,

OR YOU'RE CUT OFF!

NO MORE FREE CONDO.

NO MORE FREE CAR LEASES. NO MONEY.

YOU GOT IT?

I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO FIX IT, DADDY.

YOU WILL PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS ON THIS ONE.

YES, SIR.

I LOVE YOU.

AH, I LOVE YOU, TOO.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

FERNIE COLD BEER AND WINE.

STEVE...

HEY.

I NEED ABOUT 50 CASES OF KOKANEE

DELIVERED TO WAXOPOLIS FOR SUNDAY.

AH, FOR YOUR BIG PARTY.

INDEED.

WOULD LOVE TO FILL THAT ORDER, BUT...

BUT?

I'M OUT OF STOCK.

GOT A CALL FROM THE BREWERY.

THE TRUCK WENT MISSING THIS MORNING.

MISSING? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THEY SAID THE DELIVERY TRUCK

HAD BEEN GONE FOR QUITE A WHILE,

BUT HASN'T CALLED IN.

BUT THERE'S ANOTHER DELIVERY ON MONDAY.

THE PARTY'S ON SUNDAY.

OH.

YEAH. RIGHT.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU COULD GET SOME OUT OF TOWN.

CRANBROOK.

WELL, I'LL COME BY YOUR PLACE LATER

AND DROP SOME FLYERS OFF

SO YOU CAN SPREAD THE WORD.

SOUNDS GOOD, MAN.

OKAY, SEE YA, STEVE!

[♪]

♪ AWOKE TODAY WITH THE SAME APPEALING VISION ♪

♪ OF YOU AND I THE WAY WE HAD DREAMED IT WOULD BE ♪

♪ TO LIVE A LIFE OF SOULS ON THE RUN ♪

♪ THEN YOU KIND OF WHISPERED ON YOUR MARK-- ♪

[TRUCK HORN BLARING]

IS THERE ANYWHERE ELSE AROUND HERE THAT'S OPEN?

NO, THIS IS IT.

DAMN.

DUDE, DON'T WORRY.

NO, MAN, I GOT TO TAKE A SHIT.

OH.

IN THERE.

I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD, THEO.

OH, IT'LL BE FINE.

DON'T WORRY, ADAM.

WE CAN'T HAVE A PARTY WITHOUT BEER.

IF WE DON'T HAVE THIS PARTY,

WE CAN'T SAVE YOUR BUSINESS.

LOOK, MAYBE I CAN FIND SOMEBODY HERE

TO STRUCTURE A BANKRUPTCY DEAL FOR YOU

SO YOU'RE NOT PAYING OFF DEBTS FOREVER.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD TALK

TO ONE OF YOUR LAWYERLY GUYS AT YOUR PLACE?

GET ME MORE TIME?

[SIGHING HEAVILY]

LOOK, I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

THERE'S A DEVELOPER

THAT'S TRYING TO ACQUIRE YOUR PROPERTY.

WHAT?

THEY'RE CALLED MAGNADEUCE PROPERTIES,

AND THEY'RE A MAJOR CLIENT OF OURS, MAN.

I JUST FOUND OUT.

WHAT?

THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT.

YOU REMEMBER THAT PAPER

THAT I FILED AT CITY HALL?

YEAH.

THAT KIND OF CLEARS THE WAY

FOR THEM TO GO AHEAD WITH THE DEAL

WITHOUT GETTING CHALLENGED

BY THE ZONING BOARD.

THAT'S COOL.

NO, THEO, LISTEN TO ME.

MY CLIENT IS TRYING TO APPROPRIATE YOUR PROPERTY.

YOUR BUSINESS IS DONE, MAN. FINISHED.

[LAUGHING] LOOK,

MY SPIRITUALIST, JEREMIAH, SAYS THERE IS NO END

AND NO BEGINNING.

AND HE'S A FUCKING MORON,

OKAY?

COME MONDAY, WAXOPOLIS IS OVER.

DONE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I UNDERSTAND.

FINALLY.

I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I DID TO YOUR BUSINESS.

YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT JEREMIAH LIKE THAT.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

I RUINED YOUR BUSINESS, AND YOU'RE UPSET

BECAUSE I INSULTED YOUR SPIRITUALIST?

I'LL SEE YOU BACK IN FERNIE.

THEO...

COME ON, MAN!

THEO!

I'M GOING TO TAKE A WALK.

CLEAR MY HEAD.

I'LL HITCH BACK.

THEO, COME ON, MAN.

[SIGHING] FUCK!

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

CHIEF, YOU WANTED TO SEE US?

I GAVE YOU TWO MORONS

ONE JOB TO DO,

AND YOU FUCKED IT UP!

WE'RE SORRY, CHIEF.

WE TOLD SNOW NOT TO PLAY WITH THE FLARE GUN.

ARE YOU BEING SMART WITH ME?

YOU TWO CLOWNS ARE LUCKY

HE HAS NO RECOLLECTION OF WHAT HAPPENED.

THERE'S BEEN ANOTHER ATTACK

ON AN ELDERLY PERSON.

A MAN WHO LIVED ONE PROPERTY AWAY

FROM THE OLD LADY.

FORENSICS FOUND THIS STOOL SAMPLE

AT THE CRIME SCENE.

WHOA.

MATCH THE FOOTPRINT.

HAVE THE LAB ANALYZE IT.

FRESH.

YES, SIR.

MOVE IT!

WHOO-EE.

COMING OUT FEELING 10 POUNDS LIGHTER.

WHERE'S THEO AT?

HE DECIDED TO WALK BACK TO FERNIE.

WHAT?

MAN...

WHY THE HELL WOULD HE GO AND DO SOME DUMB SHIT LIKE THAT?

I DON'T KNOW,

MAYBE BECAUSE I RUINED HIS LIFE?

OH, MAN, I WAS AFRAID THIS WAS GONNA...

WHAT?

DID HE TELL YOU HE LOVES YOU OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

-WHAT? -YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, MAN.

-NO! -COME ON, DAWG, REALLY?

HE'S JUST UPSET 'CAUSE OF HIS BUSINESS.

NO, HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU, OKAY?

AND NOW HE'S GOING TO GET ATTACKED BY A BEAR,

AND THE BEAR IS GOING TO RAPE HIM.

-WHAT? -YES! AND DO YOU KNOW

THAT BEARS HAVE BARBED PENISES?

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT?

ALL THAT FOOTAGE YOU SEE--

JUST LISTEN, DOG, ALL THAT FOOTAGE YOU SEE

OF THE DEAD BODIES?

THAT'S NOT FROM THEIR TEETH.

THE PENIS RIPS--

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

I WATCH WILD KINGDOM.

I FEEL BAD ENOUGH AS IT IS,

LET'S NOT HOIST ALL THIS CRAP ON ME.

NO, WE NEED TO GO PICK HIM UP,

BECAUSE THAT DUDE, HE THINKS I'M ASIAN.

YEAH...

YEAH.

YOU NEED TO PICK HIM UP.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE HERE WHEN THE SHIT GOES DOWN,

WHEN HE GETS KILLED.

NO, NO, THEY'LL BE LOOKING AT ME,

BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY BROTHER IN CRANBROOK RIGHT NOW.

GUARANTEED.

-YEAH. -WE NEED TO GO.

WE SHOULD GET YOU BACK TO FERNIE.

WE SHOULD GO. YEAH. LET'S GO GET HIM.

[FABRIC RIPS]

OW, FUCK!

DON'T JUST STAND THERE, TIT BUCKET!

[FALLS HEAVILY, BOTTLES CRASHING]

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE, SHAFT-YANKER?

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO.

JUST DON'T TOUCH THE WIFI.

OKAY, PLUG EVERY DRAIN YOU SEE.

THEN WE'LL TURN THE WATER ON.

I WANT THIS PLACE SO FUCKED UP,

THAT TAINT-PILOT WON'T WANT IT BACK.

HOLY SHIT-FARTS.

THAT CLIT-BASKET WORKS FOR DAD'S LAW FIRM.

BARRY! COME HERE!

CHANGE OF PLANS, ANUS-SLAPPER.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO FLOOD THIS SHIT-HOLE ANYMORE.

AW.

NO.

WE'RE GONNA FUCK THESE LOSERS IN A REAL WAY.

A VERY REAL WAY.

[♪]

♪ DOES YOUR MOTHER TELL YOU THINGS? ♪

♪ LONG, LONG WHEN I'M GONE?

♪ WHO YOU TALKING TO?

♪ IS SHE TELLING YOU I'M THE ONE? ♪

♪ IT'S A GRAVE MISTAKE

♪ AND I'M WIDE AWAKE

[♪]

THESE BERRIES LOOK DELICIOUS.

HOLY CRAP.

SASQUATCH.

[LIQUID TRICKLING]

[GRUMBLES]

[VOICE OVER MEGAPHONE]: WHERE'S McSORLEY?

OVER HERE.

GET BACK TO WORK!

HEY, SASQUATCH.

HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

WE'RE TRYING ON BIKINIS FOR OUR NEXT SCENE.

WE'RE SHOOTING A KOKANEE COMMERCIAL.

COOL.

IS THAT WHY I SAW THE DUDE

WITH THE FURRY SUIT?

THAT'S NOT JUST A DUDE.

THAT'S MARTY McSORLEY.

THE FAMOUS GYNECOLOGIST?

AH, NO.

THE HOCKEY PLAYER.

HE'S WORKING ON HIS ACTING CAREER.

[STOMACH GROWLING]

[GROANING IN PAIN]

ARE YOU OKAY?

I THINK I ATE A BAD BATCH OF BERRIES.

THEY'RE NOT SITTING PRETTY.

YEAH, YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.

CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE WASHROOM, PLEASE?

YOU MEAN THE PORTA-POTTY?

YEAH.

GO TO WOODS WHERE YOU SEE THAT ORANGE MARKER.

FOLLOW THE TRAIL DOWN TO A SET OF ROCKS.

GO RIGHT, THEN LEFT,

THEN GO DOWN THE SMALL HILL, AND IT'S ON THE RIGHT.

YOU CAN'T MISS IT.

GOT IT.

[STOMACH GROWLING] THANKS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANKS FOR GETTING TO THIS SO QUICKLY, GORD.

NO, PROBLEM, GUYS.

SO, WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

WELL, THERE'S DEFINITELY A FOOTPRINT THERE

LARGER THAN A HUMAN'S.

IS THAT SASQUATCH'S TURD?

I WISH.

IT WAS PROBABLY MADE BY A GRIZZLY BEAR.

BLUEBERRIES.

SALMON BONES.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, I MUST HAVE MISSED THAT.

OKAY, ZOOM IN.

ENHANCE.

ZOOM IN A LITTLE MORE.

ENHANCE.

TO THE LEFT. ZOOM IN.

ZOOM IN.

WAIT, BACK OUT.

WHAT IS THAT?

IT LOOKS LIKE A HAIR OF SOME SORT.

IT WASN'T INTERNALIZED BY THE BEAR.

IT'S ON THE SURFACE.

MY GUESS IS IT WAS LEFT THERE

BY WHATEVER MADE THE FOOTPRINT.

LET ME SEE IF WE CAN GET YOU GUYS AN ULTRAVIOLET SCAN.

HMM. WELL, IT'S NOT HUMAN.

YES!

WELL, IT'S NOT SASQUATCH'S EITHER...

THAT'S MAN-MADE.

THAT'S A POLYMER-BASED SYNTHETIC.

SORT OF THING YOU MIGHT FIND IN A WIG

OR IN A COSTUME.

ANYTHING ELSE?

NO, THAT'S IT, GENTS.

THANKS, GORDO.

OH, HEY, GLACIER.

YEAH?

UH, SAY HI TO CATHY FOR ME.

OH, YOU KNOW CATHY?

DO I KNOW CATHY.

SHE'S A FRIEND.

OF A FRIEND...'S NEIGHBOUR.

TELL HER, "HI FROM GORD."

GORD FROM THE LAB.

SHE WALKS MY DOG...

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

[GLACIER GRUMBLES]

MAKE SURE YOU SAY "LAB GORD," TOO!

NOT "R&D GORD."

THAT'S A DIFFERENT GUY.

MY NICKNAME'S "HORSE!"

LOOK, WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT A WAY

TO MAKE THIS PARTY HAPPEN.

IT'S MY FAULT THAT THEO IS IN THIS MESS.

YOUR FAULT?

YOU SAID WHEN YOU CAME UP HERE,

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOUR CLIENT

WANTED THIS PROPERTY, RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE INVOLVED IN THIS

IS THAT THAT BIG, FAT BLOATED DUDE HAD A HEART ATTACK

AND SHIT ALL DOWN YOUR MOUTH

AND DOWN YOUR THROAT, RIGHT?

HE DID NOT SHIT DOWN MY THROAT, OKAY?

HE HAD A HEART ATTACK ON THE TOILET.

THE FART WAS A LITTLE MISTY, BUT--

TOMATO, TOMAHTO, OKAY?

YOU ARE A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES, MY FRIEND.

WELL...

AND THEO?

MAN, THAT DUDE'S A VICTIM

OF BEING BORN WITH HIS HEAD UP HIS ASS.

EITHER WAY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL LIKE IT IS.

THE GUY'S PRACTICALLY FAMILY.

WE'VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE THIS PARTY HAPPEN.

[SIGHS]

ALL RIGHT, FINE, FINE.

MAYBE I CAN GET THE BEER.

HOW DO YOU PLAN ON DOING THAT?

WELL, I HAVE MADE A LOT OF GIRLFRIENDS IN FERNIE.

WE'VE ONLY BEEN HERE FOR A DAY.

DOES THAT SURPRISE YOU?

I'M THE ONLY BLACK MAN FOR MILES AROUND.

THIS IS LIGHT.

HOW DOES THIS HELP?

THESE WOMEN GOT TO HAVE SOME BEER,

OR KNOW SOMEONE WHO DOES HAVE SOME BEER.

I'LL SIMPLY EXCHANGE MY BODY FOR BEER.

HUH?

OKAY. OKAY, YOU HUNT FOR THE BEER,

I'M GOING TO CONTINUE TO SET UP.

POW. ALL RIGHT.

[STOMACH GROWLING]

HEY, MARTY! HEY, MARTY!

YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!

WAIT UP!

I'LL FOLLOW YOU TO THE CAN!

THANKS, TRAV. YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

YEAH, YEAH, I'LL TELL HER YOU SAID HI.

SO, WHAT DID THE COSTUME SHOP SAY?

THEY ONLY HAD ONE COSTUME

THAT MATCHED THE COLOUR OF THE HAIRS

FOUND IN THE TURD.

OH?

TURNS OUT THEY MADE SOME CUSTOM SASQUATCH OUTFIT

FOR SOME COMMERCIAL.

HEY, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO'S PLAYING SASQUATCH.

WHO?

MARTY McSORLEY.

THE FASHION DESIGNER?

GET OUT.

THE HOCKEY PLAYER.

REALLY?

[MUMBLES]

SO I GUESS WE JUST HAVE TO FIND MARTY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE McSORLEY IS OUR PRIME SUSPECT.

-INCREDIBLE. -I KNOW.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

OH. I MEANT THAT IT'S INCREDIBLE

THAT YOU GET, LIKE, FIVE BONERS THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT.

THAT'S A LOT OF BONERS.

[ROBOTIC VOICE]: FIVE BONERS?

THAT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A LOT OF BONERS.

CHECK THAT AGAIN.

YOU SURE THAT'S NOT FIVE BONERS AN HOUR?

I'M JUST SAYING, THAT'S NOT A LOT OF BONERS.

TRUST ME, NOT WHERE I COME FROM.

WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?

PRISON.

HMM.

[ROBOTIC VOICE]: HMM.

[STOMACH GROWLING]

[FUMBLING]

[CLICKS OPEN LIGHTER]

[GROWLS]

[GRUMBLING]

[SNAPS LIGHTER SHUT]

♪ I NEVER NEEDED LOVE

♪ LIKE I NEEDED YOU

♪ AND I NEVER LIVED FOR NOBODY

♪ BUT I LIVE FOR YOU

♪ BABY

♪ OOH, I GET CHILLS WHEN I'M WITH YOU ♪

♪ OH-OH, WHOA-OH

♪ OH, BABY

♪ MY WORLD STANDS STILL WHEN I'M WITH YOU ♪

♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU...

HELLO!

[VOICE SLURRED AND DISTORTED]: WHO ARE YOU?

I AM THE ONE

WHO WATCHES OVER WHAT GOES ON.

AM I DEAD?

NO, YOU JUST SMELL LIKE IT.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

LOOK INSIDE...

-MY HEART? -NO.

MY SOUL?

CAN I FINISH?

SORRY.

LOOK INSIDE THE KOKANEE TRUCK.

IT'S PARKED BY THE LAKE.

WHEN?

WHEN SHOULD I LOOK IN THE TRUCK?

LATER TODAY.

REST FOR NOW.

YOU LOOK LIKE A BAG OF CARIBOU ASS.

I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HELP.

I THINK THEO HAS ALL THE INGREDIENTS HERE

FOR A VERY LAVISH AFFAIR.

IF WE GET BEER, AND TUNES, AND PEOPLE,

IT'LL BE A HIT.

AND IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

YOU'RE A GREAT FRIEND, ADAM.

THEO'S VERY LUCKY TO HAVE YOU LOOK OUT FOR HIM.

HONESTLY, I KIND OF FEEL LIKE THE PARTY'S AS MUCH FOR ME

AS IT IS FOR HIM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I GUESS I'M JUST GLAD TO BE BACK, YOU KNOW?

I MISS IT HERE.

DON'T YOU EVER STRUGGLE WITH YOUR DECISIONS?

ADAM, I DO WHAT I LOVE,

AND IF I DON'T LOVE IT, THEN I STOP.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOME TIME.

I KINDA HATE YOU.

[LAUGHS]

WHO'S THAT?

NO IDEA.

HEY, ADAM.

DANIELLE.

HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, MICK?

I RAN INTO SOMEONE YOU MAY KNOW...

[INHALING DEEPLY]

BY SHEER FUCKING COINKIDINK.

ADAM, YOU KNOW EDITH.

THE WOMAN WHO HOLDS YOUR CAREER

BY ITS FUCKING NUTSACK.

[MUTTERING] OH, FUCK.

[EDITH]: SO, NICE TO SEE YOU, DEAR.

MICK WAS KIND ENOUGH TO FLY ME OUT

TO SEE SOME OF THE PROPERTIES

WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON AT THE FIRM.

IS THAT YOUR BOSS?

YES.

EDITH, THIS IS DANIELLE.

HMM.

NOW, MICK HERE HAS BEEN TELLING ME

THAT YOU MAY HAVE BEEN INTERFERING IN A DEAL

THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO HIS FATHER'S COMPANY,

WHICH MEANS

THAT IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO OUR FIRM.

NOW, WE SENT YOU OUT HERE TO SHUT DOWN WAXOPOLIS,

NOT SAVE IT.

ADAM, WHAT THE SHIT

IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

I'M SORRY, DEAR,

YOUR GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T KNOW WHY YOU WERE SENT OUT HERE?

I WAS COVERING FOR A SICK PARTNER

AT THE FIRM, OKAY?

I HAD NO IDEA.

[EDITH CHUCKLING] COME NOW, COME NOW, ADAM.

YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE DOING.

[SIGHS SADLY]

YOU WERE TRYING TO TAKE THEO'S PROPERTY?

I DIDN'T KNOW. I SWEAR.

I'M SORRY, DEAR.

ADAM WILL SAY ANYTHING

TO TRY TO GET INTO A WOMAN'S PANTIES.

LORD KNOWS, HE TRIED WITH ME.

OH...

SO, THIS IS HOW IT IS?

DANIELLE...

WHY DON'T YOU

GO BACK TO WHEREVER YOU'RE FROM?

BUT I'M FROM HERE.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

NOT ANYMORE.

OH, DEAR, IT LOOKS LIKE I'VE UPSET YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO CONSOLE YOU?

YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH, EDITH.

MICK, WOULD YOU BE A LOVE AND TAKE ME BACK TO MY HOTEL?

I'M AT THE RIDGESIDE.

ROOM 234.

PLEASE STOP BY

AND BRING THE COPIES OF THE INJUNCTION REQUEST.

LOOKS LIKE YOUR PARTY'S OVER, DICKWEED.

LITERALLY.

[LAUGHS WHEEZILY]

FUCKIN' FINITO!

YEAH, FAT LADY SUNG,

WENT HOME, ATE A BURRITO,

AND TOOK A SHIT ALL OVER YOUR FUCKIN' PARTY!

I GET IT.

YOU'D BETTER FUCKIN' GET IT.

YOU'RE A LOAD

YOUR MOM SHOULD HAVE SWALLOWED, DICKWEED.

[LAUGHS WHEEZILY]

FUCK YOU, ADAM.

[HONKS HORN]

...'CAUSE I'D LOVE TO DIRECT.

-MARTY McSORLEY? -YEAH?

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST

FOR TERRORIZING MARJORIE BROWN AND PHILLIP JONES.

GIMME THAT!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WE'RE TAKING YOUR STAR HERE, DOWNTOWN.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU'LL SHUT DOWN PRODUCTION.

SO FIND ANOTHER SASQUATCH.

AND HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW,

WHY DON'T YOU HOLD ANOTHER CONTEST?

LET'S GO, CHUCKLES.

WAIT A MINUTE,

WE'LL BE MISSING THE BIG PARTY.

WE GOT TO GET HIM TO THE STATION.

CAN'T WE JUST

CHECK IT OUT FOR A COUPLE HOURS,

AND THEN BOOK HIM?

HE'LL PROBABLY ENJOY IT.

YOU COOL IF WE STOP AT THE PARTY?

CAN I AT LEAST CALL MY ATTORNEY?

AGAIN?

IF HE LIKES TO PARTY, SURE.

LET'S GO.

[♪]

ANOTHER ONE?

YEAH.

YEAH, THANKS.

I DON'T MEAN TO ASK

A CLICHE BARTENDER QUESTION,

BUT WHY THE LONG FACE?

I GOT A LOT GOING ON.

I'VE REALLY LET DOWN SOME FRIENDS.

SORRY TO HEAR THAT, BROTHER.

THANKS.

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT,

I DON'T KNOW,

MAYBE KILLING YOURSELF?

WHAT?

NO. WHY?

I'M JUST SAYING,

IF THINGS ARE THAT BAD,

WHY NOT?

I MEAN, YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT, TO BE HONEST.

IF IT WAS ME,

I'D PROBABLY JUST GET IT OVER WITH.

OH.

[CHUCKLES] REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

A LITTLE BARTENDER WISDOM.

NO. [COCKS GUN]

OH.

SERIOUSLY.

JUST GO IN THE WASHROOM.

NO ONE'S AROUND.

I'LL COME GET THE GUN AFTER I HEAR THE SHOT.

IT'LL CONFUSE THE HELL

OUT OF THE COPS.

OKAY, THINGS AREN'T THAT BAD.

I'M NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

HAVE YOU LOOKED IN A FUCKING MIRROR?

I MEAN, COME ON. JUST DO IT.

I'LL GO LAY DOWN SOME PLASTIC SHEETS

IN THE FAR STALL.

YEAH, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF, OKAY?

WHY NOT?

IT'S THE GUN.

IS THAT IT?

IT'S TOO MESSY?

NO, I'VE GOT A LOT TO LIVE FOR.

LIKE WHAT?

A WIFE? KIDS? I'M GUESSING NOT.

I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS.

IF THEY'RE SO GREAT, WHY ARE YOU HERE ALONE?

LOOK,

NOT LONG AGO, A FRIEND OF MINE DIED.

FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, HE'S NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

I THINK I'M GOING TO TAKE OFF.

YOU...

UH...

THANKS FOR THE TALK.

SEE YA LATER.

CHICKENSHIT.

YEAH.

THAT'S IT?

WHERE'S THE REST OF THE BEER?

LOOK HERE, PIMP SAUCE.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT,

OR RATHER WHO, I HAD TO DO TO GET THIS BEER,

SO JUST SHUT YOUR...

YOU THINK PEOPLE

ARE GOING TO STICK AROUND FOR THIS?

NO, WHICH IS WHY I HAVE A BAND COMING SHORTLY.

I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT.

DAMN, LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN?

YOU THINK I'M BUYING THIS BULLSHIT YOU SPOUTING?

SOME GURU? PLEASE.

LOOK AT YOU, MAN,

YOU LOOK LIKE A RETARDED MONGOLIAN PIMP.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?

IT'S ITALIAN VELOUR.

I HAVE VERY SENSITIVE SKIN.

MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED

BEATING YOUR DICK AGAINST EVERYTHING, MAN,

EVERY FIVE SECONDS,

YOU WOULDN'T BE SO SENSITIVE.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

JUDGE YOU?

HEY! HEY!

YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET THAT, MAN?

[♪]

♪ THE LIFE YOU HAD KNOWN

♪ THE PAIN THAT YOU SHOW...

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

♪ I COUNT ALL OF

♪ THE TIMES YOU CHOKE

♪ THE LAST MIRACLE

EDITH?

♪ THE EMPTINESS OF HOPE

♪ WHEN ALL YOU WANT

♪ IS TO BE A STRANGER...

YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S ABOUT BLOODY TIME YOU CALLED.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY THINGS I HAVE TO DO?

[♪]

♪ A STRANGER...

THE OTHER DAY, I TRIED TO ORDER CHOCOLATE CAKE,

AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE CHOCOLATE CAKE!

[♪]

♪ THE LIVES YOU RECALL

♪ THE THINGS THAT YOU STOLE...

I'M GLAD I GOT YOU...

--AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN HERE TO HELP ME!

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC!

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

[♪]

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES

I'VE HAD TO MAKE A PHONE CALL ON YOUR BEHALF?

YOU CAN'T EVEN ANSWER YOUR FUCKING--

♪ THE LOVER THAT YOU HOLD

♪ IS NO MORE THAN A GHOST...

--A SORRY EXCUSE FOR A--

[♪]

♪ I'VE SEEN THE COLD AND THE RAIN... ♪

YOU CAN'T BREAK UP WITH ME.

YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN ANY FIRM--

YOU'RE THE BIGGEST LOSER I'VE--

FUCKER!

[♪]

ADAM!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

DUDE, GET IN, WE'VE GOT A PARTY TO SAVE!

[LAUGHING]

HEY.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

NO.

OH.

PROBLEM WITH YOUR LADY PARTS?

NO.

IT'S THAT DOUCHEBAG, ADAM.

WHOA. ADAM?

[CHUCKLING] A DOUCHEBAG?

YEAH, DOUCHEBAG.

I'M SORRY, THEO.

I'M THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE SORRY,

I THINK.

I DIDN'T REALIZE

I WAS ABOUT TO RUIN EVERYTHING FOR YOU.

RIGHT, SO HIM COMING OVER HERE TRYING TO FUCK OVER HIS FRIEND

DOESN'T MAKE HIM A DOUCHEBAG?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HE DID NOT KNOW HE WAS DOING THAT, OKAY?

HE JUST FOUND OUT.

DUDE, YOU WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME,

YOU WERE JUST DOING YOUR JOB.

YOU'VE GOT A GREAT CAREER, IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME.

WAIT, LOOK, LOOK.

ADAM IS KILLING HIMSELF ABOUT IT, OKAY?

MY MAN IS A CERTIFIED STRAIGHT-SHOOTER.

HE'S THE REAL DEAL, THAT DUDE.

I'M TELLING YOU, HE'S KILLING HIMSELF.

"HAD" A GREAT CAREER.

WHAT?

I QUIT.

SO HE WASN'T JUST LYING TO GET IN MY PANTS?

YOU KNOW, YOU SEEM A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED BY THAT.

SHIT, I'LL LIE TO YOU TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS.

I'LL LIE TO YOU ALL DAY TO GET IN THOSE PANTS.

I'M JUST PLAYIN', I WON'T, I WON'T.

YOU KNOW, COMING OUT HERE,

IT'S MADE ME REALIZE HOW MISERABLE I'VE BEEN

SINCE I LEFT.

I'M TELLING YOU HE'S GOT MORALS.

HE'S GOT GOALS.

HE'S BASICALLY THE OPPOSITE OF ME.

I MEAN, DON'T TELL ANYBODY THIS,

BUT I KIND OF WISH I COULD BE MORE LIKE ADAM.

NOT WHITE, STILL BLACK,

BUT MORE LIKE HIM, I'M SAYIN'.

I WISH THAT, YOU KNOW, I COULD HAVE A RELATIONSHIP

THAT DIDN'T LAST JUST ONE NIGHT

AND OFTEN INVOLVE A COUPLE MIDGETS FROM THE BAHAMAS.

BUT I'M NOT WIRED THAT WAY, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, IT'S COOL RIGHT NOW,

BUT SOON, I'M GOING TO BE THE DUDE THAT'S AT THE CLUB,

JUST A LITTLE TOO OLD TO BE AT THE CLUB,

WITH SUPER WHITE TEETH

AND-AND BALLS THAT ARE AS SMOOTH AS EGGS.

WAXOPOLIS INTERNATIONAL NEEDS A BUSINESS MANAGER

FOR ITS FERNIE DIVISION.

SO, YOU NEED A MANAGER?

YEAH, DUDE, HONESTLY,

I WAS GOING TO ASK JEREMIAH TO DO IT,

BUT I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

THAT HE HAS SOMEWHAT DUPLICITOUS AND ULTERIOR MOTIVES.

PLUS, I THINK HE'S A SEX ADDICT.

THEO, IS THAT--IS THAT YOU?

I WOULD BE HONOURED TO WORK WITH YOU.

IT'S A DEAL, PARTNER.

[LAUGHING]

BUT ADAM, MEANWHILE,

YOU CAN HAVE A FAMILY,

SOME KIDS RUNNING AROUND,

A WIFE,

AND BALLS THAT ARE HAIRY AS SHIT,

BECAUSE THAT'S ADAM.

ARE YOU SURE HE'S ON THE UP AND UP?

COME ON, NOW.

I'VE KNOWN THAT DUDE SINCE I WAS IN DIAPERS.

ALTHOUGH THAT WAS JUST A FEW YEARS AGO.

I WAS DATING THIS CHICK, MAN,

THIS WAITRESS, OH, MY GOD--

OKAY, SHH. SHH. SHH...

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW.

I DO WHAT I CAN, YOU KNOW.

[CLEARS THROAT AWKWARDLY]

OH, SNAP, YOU GOT TO BE--

[TRUCK HORN HONKS]

LOOKS LIKE THE PARTY'S ABOUT TO GET STARTED!

[CROWD SHOUTING IN EXCITEMENT]

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS!

[EVERYONE CHEERING]

YEAH!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR MY FRIENDS,

DOWN WITH WEBSTER!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

♪ WHOA IS ME I'M SO WHOA ♪

♪ SEE ME DECKED OUT FROM MY HEAD TO MY TOE ♪

♪ WHOA IS ME I'M SO WHOA ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE I GO I'M A ONE-MAN SHOW ♪

♪ I FEEL LIKE A HOLLYWOOD STAR... ♪

MARTY!

HEY!

REMEMBER ME?

WHAT'S WITH THIS?

McSORLEY IS UNDER ARREST

FOR TERRORIZING MARJORIE BROWN

AND PHILLIP JONES.

MARGE AND PHIL?

BUT THEY'RE MY NEIGHBOURS.

"WERE" YOUR NEIGHBOURS.

THEY GOT SO FREAKED OUT,

THEY PUT THEIR PROPERTY UP FOR SALE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHY WOULD MARTY McSORLEY TERRORIZE YOUR NEIGHBOURS?

WHO ELSE HAD ACCESS TO THAT SUIT?

NO ONE.

I KEEP IT LOCKED IN THE CONDO THAT I RENT.

WHO'S YOUR LANDLORD?

DOUCE? DOUCE, DOUCE...

RICK DOUCE?

YOU MEAN MICK!

OF COURSE.

MICK'S WEARING THE SUIT

TO TERRORIZE YOUR NEIGHBOURS

TO FORCE THEM TO SELL,

CLEARING THE WAY FOR HIS FATHER.

YEAH.

GUYS, YOU'VE GOT MOTIVE.

HE'S TRYING TO FORCE THEM TO SELL,

AND YOU'VE GOT EVIDENCE.

HE'S THE ONLY ONE, OTHER THAN MARTY HERE,

TO HAVE ACCESS TO THE SUIT.

♪ THE MORE I FEEL IT

♪ WHOA!

♪ THE MORE I NEED IT

♪ WHOA!

♪ YOU SAY WHOA...

WHAT IF MICK WERE BEHIND THIS

SO HIS DAD COULD GET HIS HANDS ON THE PROPERTY?

GENIUS.

GUYS, I THINK FRESH JUST CRACKED THIS CASE.

SPEAK OF THE DOUCHE,

HERE HE IS NOW.

WHAT'S UP, JIZZ-NAPKINS?

I CAME TO CHECK OUT

YOUR FUCKING LAME PARTY.

[LAUGHS WHEEZILY]

MICK DEUCE,

YOU ARE UNDER ARREST

FOR ASSAULTING TWO FERNIE RESIDENTS.

GUYS...

I MEAN, THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME KIND OF A MISTAKE HERE.

THIS LITTLE LAWYER

SNATCH-NAPKIN

IS PUTTING SHIT IN YOUR HEAD.

[ADAM]: NICE TRY, MICK.

IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

FUCK YOU, ADAM.

I'M GOD OUT HERE.

NOT ANYMORE.

YOU'RE COMING WITH US NOW.

RECOGNIZE THIS?

WHOA...

YEAH.

YOUR MOM LEFT IT ON MY CHEST.

♪ WHOA IS ME! I'M SO WHOA! ♪

HEY!

MARTY McSORLEY, WILL YOU SIGN MY STICK?

ISN'T THAT MINE?

[EXAGGERATES ACCENT] DO NOT PUT FAITH

IN POSSESSIONS, THEO!

SORRY.

OH, HEY, MICK.

DID YOU FIND WHAT YOU WANTED WHEN YOU BROKE INTO WAXOPOLIS?

-"BROKE INTO"? -YEAH.

I WAS BUSY MASTURBATING,

AND MICK BROKE IN.

YOU BROKE INTO WAXOPOLIS?

WHAT?

[SCOFFS WHEEZILY]

♪ ...TO BE SO DOPE THAT YOU LIKE ME ♪

♪ AND ME LIKE WHOA

[GUITAR SOLO]

[♪]

ISN'T THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND MAKING OUT WITH ANOTHER GUY?

HA, I AIN'T GOING TO FALL FOR THAT.

THAT DOES LOOK A LOT LIKE CATHY.

[YELPS]

[GASPS IN SHOCK]

WE'RE GOING TO USE THIS EVIDENCE AGAINST HIM.

STAND BACK, FELLAS.

[TURD SMACKS, MICK GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLING IN TRIUMPH]

I FUCKED CATHY.

♪ YOU SAY WHOA

♪ WHOA IS ME I'M SO WHOA! ♪

[SONG ENDS]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE FORECAST IS CALLING FOR 18 INCHES OF SNOW!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[SINGING IN ROBOT VOICE] ♪ INFORMER...

♪ LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ 'TECTIVE MAN SAYS DADDY SNOW STABBED SOMEONE DOWN THE LANE ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ INFORMER

♪ YOU KNOW SAY DADDY SNOW ME

♪ I'M GONNA BLAME A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM... ♪

-HEY. -HEY.

HI!

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT GETTING ALL MAD

AND STUFF.

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOUR BOSS WAS A TOTAL PSYCHO,

AND YOU'RE NOT A COMPLETE LAWYER DOUCHEBAG.

I'M NOT A LAWYER.

I QUIT MY JOB.

AND MY LIFE.

I BROKE UP WITH CLARE.

REALLY?

YEAH.

I REALIZED I WASN'T HAPPY ANYMORE,

AND DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR A CHANGE.

SO, WHAT NOW?

I'VE CHANGED MY POSITION ON BELLY BUTTONS.

[LAUGHS]

WELL, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MINE YET.

IT'S A CESSPOOL.

I KIND OF WANT TO.

WELL, YOU CAN START BY GETTING ME ANOTHER DRINK?

[THEO YELPS]

THEO!

HEY, MAN, YOU DID IT.

WE DID IT!

[GROANING] OH, GOD...

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, BUDDY.

I ALWAYS KNEW YOU TWO WOULD GET TOGETHER.

[LAUGHING]

SPEAKING OF "GETTING TOGETHER,"

LET'S GET THAT DRINK NOW...

HIT THAT, SON.

YOU MAKE HER SAY "JASON"

TWO TIMES!

THAT'S RIGHT!

[LAUGHS]

TAUGHT HIM WELL.

[♪]

I THINK I FUCKED SASQUATCH LAST NIGHT.

[LAUGHS] THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

[♪]

[GROWLING]

[♪]

♪ OH, YOUR HEART

♪ WAS SPINNING ON A STRING

♪ SUCH A DECORATIVE THING

♪ BUT NEVER FLUTTERING

♪ WHOA-OH-OH I JUST WANT TO KNOW... ♪

COMING IN 2014...

[♪]

SASQUATCH PILLOW FIGHT.

[♪]

STARRING MARTY McSORLEY.

[♪]

[♪]

♪ POLICE-A THEM-A THEY COME AND-A THEY BLOW DOWN ME DOOR ♪

♪ ONE HIM COME CRAWL THROUGH THROUGH MY WINDOW ♪

♪ SO THEY PUT ME IN THE BACK OF THE CAR AT THE STATION ♪

♪ FROM THAT POINT ON I REACH MY DESTINATION ♪

♪ NOW, THE DESTINATION REACHED WAS THE EAST DETENTION ♪

♪ WHERE THEY WHIPPED DOWN MY PANTS ♪

♪ AND LOOKED UP MY BOTTOM

♪ INFORMER

♪ YOU KNOW SAY DADDY SNOW ME I'M GONNA BLAME ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ 'TECTIVE MAN SAYS

♪ DADDY SNOW ME STABBED SOMEONE DOWN THE LANE ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ INFORMER

♪ YOU KNOW SAY DADDY SNOW ME I'M GONNA BLAME ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ 'TECTIVE MAN SAYS

♪ DADDY SNOW ME STABBED SOMEONE DOWN THE LANE ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ INFORMER...

[♪]

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ THE BIGGER THEY ARE

♪ THEY THINK THEY HAVE MORE POWER ♪

♪ THEY'RE ON THE PHONE ME SAY THAT ONE HOUR ♪

♪ ME FOR WANT TO USE IT ONCE TO CALL MY LOVER ♪

♪ LOVER WHO I'M GONNA CALL IS THE ONE TAMMY ♪

♪ I LOVE HER FROM MY HEART DOWN TO MY BELLY ♪

♪ YES, DADDY SNOW I'M THE COOLEST DADDY ♪

♪ THE ONE MC SHAN AND THE ONE THAT IS SNOW ♪

♪ TOGETHER, WE ARE LIKE A MUSIC TORNADO ♪

♪ SO, INFORMER

♪ YOU KNOW SAY DADDY SNOW ME I'M GONNA BLAME ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ 'TECTIVE MAN SAYS

♪ DADDY SNOW ME STABBED SOMEONE DOWN THE LANE ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ INFORMER

♪ YOU KNOW SAY DADDY SNOW ME I'M GONNA BLAME ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ 'TECTIVE MAN SAYS

♪ DADDY SNOW ME STABBED SOMEONE DOWN THE LANE ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ INFORMER...

[♪]

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM

♪ LISTEN FOR ME YA BETTER LISTEN FOR ME NOW ♪

♪ LISTEN FOR ME YA BETTER LISTEN TO ME ♪

♪ WHEN I ROCK THE MICROPHONE I ROCK IT STEADY ♪

♪ YES, SIR, DADDY SNOW ME ARE THE ARTICLE DON ♪

♪ WHEN I'M AT A DANCE THEY SAY "WHERE YOU COME FROM?" ♪

[♪]

CL, BABY, CANADA!

[♪]

♪ INFORMER

♪ YOU KNOW SAY DADDY SNOW ME I'M GONNA BLAME ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ 'TECTIVE MAN SAYS

♪ DADDY SNOW ME STABBED SOMEONE DOWN THE LANE ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ INFORMER

♪ YOU KNOW SAY DADDY SNOW ME I'M GONNA BLAME ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM

♪ 'TECTIVE MAN SAYS

♪ DADDY SNOW ME STABBED SOMEONE DOWN THE LANE ♪

♪ A LICKY BOOM-BOOM DEM...