Original subtitles

♪♪ [harmonica]

It's a Winnie the Pooh cake. Isn't it the cutest?

Look at, look at what it says on the card.

Happy two months birthday, Harris, we love you.

You stick your finger in that, I'll kill you.

Wait a minute, I'm confused,

I thought birthdays only come in years.

No, this little girl has been through so much

that we're going to celebrate every little milestone,

now matter how small it is.

Wait to you see what we got planned for her first ear infection.

[door bell rings]

Hello, hello!

We come bearing gifts.

Dolls and a tea set.

And...a G.I. Joe and a football.

We figured we'll put them at opposite ends of her room,

and let her gender identify herself.

Ah, to be young again.

So where is she?

Huh? She's so cute.

You know, she doesn't really belong in this family.

Leon, we all started out cute.

Hmm.

I'm going to check on her right now.

I'll let you all know when she's ready to receive guests.

Well, Bev is still out there trying to park the Econoline.

Oh yeah, none of you happens to own a red Datsun, do you?

I do, why?

No reason really.

It's just-- it's very sporty.

Sorry I'm late.

A couple of Mason jars exploded.

No jam this Christmas.

Oh, rats!

Rats! Rats! Rats!

I'm ready to see my namesake.

Sound the trumpets!

Tell her that her great-grandmother is here!

Don't worry, she's been warned.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I hear movement. Movement!

She's awake!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

One at a time!

You people are scary enough individually.

Oh, we just want to see the baby, Roseanne.

Me first!

Me first!

Okay, we're going in order of sanity.

Well, we can't all be last.

Oh!

You must be so cold in this drafty old house.

Oh, look, so cute and tiny.

I just want to put you on a key chain.

Oh, look at this, Harris.

This is a picture of your mother when she was a teenager.

She never was much of a smiler.

This is my daughter, your grandmother.

I don't know who that child is she's holding underwater.

Oh, my, my baby's a grandmother.

My head is spinning.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I've set you up with a little savings bond.

Now, it could be for college or a car when you're 16,

or in case your husband runs out on you and leaves you broke,

and depressed and miserable and angry at the whole world.

Anyway...

Hi, Harris.

You're such a beautiful child.

I know your life is going to be filled with love and happiness.

Did that sound sincere?

A lot of times people accuse me of not sounding sincere

when I really am.

Hey, Harris, you're going to be a star.

[video camera beeps]

Good evening.

This is a little piece I call Baby.

[D.J.] Baby's eye.

Baby's chin.

Baby's ear.

Put them all together,

and you have...baby!

This has been a D.J. Conner film.

Oh, look, she's smiling.

Oh, hello, precious.

Boo boo boo toot toot too.

Brrh.

[baby cries]

Look at that.

This is Aunt Scott and Aunt Leon.

Hi!

Hi!

Do the angry face.

The one I like.

That's it.

He loves that.

Hey, if you ever need somebody to talk to,

I mean when you can,

I'm a good listener.

I'm not pushy like some people in this family.

I'm not naming names, but...

Hey, give Grandpa a big smile, huh?

Uh.

Hmm? Huh?

[baby talk]

God, Darlene is so lucky.

Hi.

So when are we going to tell everybody that we're lucky, too?

Mark, we just found out.

It's too early to say anything.

Besides, we don't want to take all the attention away from Darlene.

Yeah, let's wait a couple of weeks until they're tired of the baby.

Hey, do you think it would be okay if I touched her?

Let me see your hands.

No.

Harris, this is your cousin Andy,

and your Uncle Jerry.

Oh, honey, oh jeez.

There you go.

Okay.

Hey.

Had a lot of visitors today, didn't you?

I hope nobody frightened you,

because they all love you very much.

There's a lot of love here in this house.

You might hear some yelling or some naughty words

sometimes, but sometimes the love is just so strong

that they can't contain it.

Okay?

Hey, kid.

I used Lava.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Oh, man, this dad thing is going to be great.

You guys, that baby is so wonderful.

Thanks, Nancy.

No, I mean she's really special.

Wouldn't it be incredible

if she turned out to be the first woman president?

I think it's more important to raise honest children.

You know, seeing the baby,

and then seeing you and then seeing the baby again

made me realize that--

Hey! You're a real dad! Get over here!

Well, it is, it's starting to feel that way,

just now, you know?

Mr. Conner, when did you start to feel like a real dad?

Oh, well that was when we had little Jerry.

I had had some children before that,

but they were just for practice.

I think it became real for me at my wedding,

when I was breast feeding Andy at the altar.

Naw, first time I held Becky.

The way she looked at me, you never forget that.

Yeah, those little blue eyes

that know nothing about the world around them.

Hmm, she still looks like that.

Gosh, baby's just so amazing.

Can't wait until I'm a dad.

I think you will.

Oh, now, you never know, Dan.

'Cause these days they're having sex a lot sooner.

Things happen.

I don't think so.

Leon and I have a little announcement to make, don't we?

No, we don't.

Yes, we do.

How can we keep quiet, it is in the air.

All right, I will tell them.

Scott and I are going to adopt a baby,

which I think I told you all at Thanksgiving.

Yes, and I behaved dreadfully.

Yes, and not for the first time.

All is forgiven, sweetheart, all is forgiven.

Any rate, today I am overjoyed to announce

that we have begun the adoption paperwork

and in two months we will be the proud parents

of little three year old Nadia.

She is from Romania.

We're going to San Francisco to pick her up.

Imagine that.

We're going to San Francisco

and we're going to pick up a girl.

You guys are rescuing a little girl,

you're the best.

Your karma rating just went through the roof.

Well, I couldn't be happier.

I can't think of two better mothers.

Still, it is a big responsibility.

You will need some experienced parents to give you advice.

Leave them alone, Mother,

unless you want to take five or ten seconds

and write down everything you know.

I mean, babies are hard enough,

and then once they start toddling,

you have to watch them every minute.

Well, I'm going to take the even moments

and Leon will take the odd.

No, the other way around.

Well, whatever.

Roseanne was always getting into everything,

you know, she used to sit under the sink

with a bucket on her head.

She made me stand guard with a broom.

I never understood what she was hiding from.

Hey, you guys, lunch is here,

courtesy of Uncle Wong's.

I'll go help Mom set the table.

You know, that place is on their third Uncle Wong.

It's like Lassie.

Man, there's a lot of people out there.

Yeah, well, soon as the free food's gone,

they'll be gone, too.

You know, Mom, it really is too crowded around here.

So, David and I were thinking that instead

of spending a couple of months here,

we could probably be out of here in a couple of weeks.

A couple weeks isn't long enough for me to teach

you all the stuff that I want to teach you.

I mean, when we had that talk,

you said you wanted to learn stuff from me.

What would you do if the baby...

got an ear infection.

Talk to her from the opposite side.

No, I'm serious, Darlene.

I mean, I just want to make sure that you know this stuff.

Well, there's always the phone, Mom.

Because I know you don't want us camping out here forever.

I mean, you made that pretty clear.

When?

When did I make that clear?

For now.

You're the one that said "for now" first.

Well, you didn't exactly beg me to stay around here.

Well, okay, so do you want me to beg you to stay?

Please, please, please, stay, stay, stay.

I beg you. I double-dog beg you.

Is that clear enough there for now?

I want to stay home with you, Mom.

Really?

Yeah.

You do?

For how long?

Mmm, you first.

Okay, well, that's just my opening negotiating point.

For...ever?

Well, seeing as I plan to outlive you,

I'll meet you half way.

It's a deal.

So, welcome home, Darlene.

You're grounded.

[Dan] Hey! What's with the food!

Shut up!

Oh, I love it here.

Was I right?

Can Uncle Wong's whip up a lo mein, or what?

No, no, no, that's chow mein.

You can tell by the noodles.

All Chinese noodles are the same.

Oh, Dad, that's ridiculous.

Come on, Dad, lo mein noodles are soft,

chow mein noodles are crisper, I think.

Okay, I'm warning everybody,

I am not going to live through another version

of that pepperoni-sausage debate from last week.

They are completely different parts of the cow!

Bull!

All meat by-products,

rodent parts, hair, saw dust,

encased in a tube, are sausage!

Am I wrong?

[Roseanne narrating] Everyone wonders where creative

people get their inspiration.

Actually, I've found it's all around you.

Take Leon, for instance.

[making siren noise]

Manners police.

I'm sorry, Dan, no whittling at the dining room table.

Leon is not really as cool as I made him.

He's the only gay guy I know who belongs to the Elks Club.

You know, as far as I'm concerned,

George Bush was the best president we ever had.

I mean, look at all the fat he cut out of Medicare.

You know, in China they believe in reincarnation,

so they have a hell of a time with their probate law.

And then there's Scott.

He really is a probate lawyer I met about a year ago,

and introduced to Leon.

I guess I didn't get too creative there.

Hey, D.J., quit bogarting the moo goo gai pan.

[all] Yeah, come on!

Yeah, well, Darlene took all the pot stickers.

And now that you're distracted,

I took the moo goo gai pan.

Ha ha!

Confucius say, you snooze, you lose.

Oh, thinning son.

A lot of kids have called my son a nerd.

But as I told him,

they called Steven Spielberg a nerd, too.

A lot of times nerds are really artists

who just listen to the beat of a different drummer.

[chop sticks clinking]

Roseanne, will you keep your children in line.

I didn't raise my children to throw chopsticks.

My mom came from a generation

where women were supposed to be submissive about everything.

I never bought into that,

and I wish Mom hadn't either.

I wish she had made different choices.

So I think that's why I made her gay.

I wanted her to have some sense of herself as a woman.

You may think I'm crazy,

but it is the women's movement

that has destroyed the family unit.

Oh yeah.

And she's nuts.

Hey, man, check out my fortune here.

True love lies where you least expect it.

It better not.

Mark, I think I got yours.

Deepest thoughts run shallow.

There's lucky numbers on the back.

Let's play the lottery.

[all laughing]

No thanks.

I can't get rid of all this money now.

My sister, in real life,

unlike my mother, is gay.

She always told me she was gay,

but for some reason, I always pictured her with a man.

She's been my rock,

and I would not have made it this far without her.

I guess Nancy's kind of my hero, too...

Woman's shelter needs furniture,

so if there's anything you don't want,

let me know, and I'll have it picked up.

'cause she got out of a terrible marriage

and found a great spiritual strength.

I don't know what happened to that husband of hers,

but in my book I sent him into outer space.

When Becky brought David home a few years ago,

I thought, "This is wrong."

He was much more Darlene's type.

Do you want to go to this poetry reading

before the museum?

Yeah, before, I want to pick up some books first.

Oh, great.

When Darlene met Mark,

I thought he went better with Becky.

Get me a beer.

Get it yourself, slob.

I guess I was wrong,

but, I still think they'd be more compatible

the other way around.

So, in my writing,

I did what any good mother would do.

I fixed it.

I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack.

But he's still the first thing I think about when I wake up,

and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.

I miss him.

[Dan] Roseanne?

Rosie?

Roseanne?

[Roseanne narrating] Dan and I always felt that it was our responsibility

as parents to improve the lives of our children

by 50% over our own.

And we did.

We didn't hit our children as we were hit.

We didn't demand their unquestioning silence.

We didn't teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons.

As a modern wife, I walked a tightrope

between tradition and progress,

and usually, I failed

by one outsider's standards or another's.

But I figured out that neither winning nor losing

count for women like they do for men.

We women are the ones who transform everything we touch,

and nothing on earth is higher than that.

My writing's really what got me through the last year

after Dan died.

I mean, at first, I felt so betrayed,

as if he had left me for another woman.

When you're a blue-collar woman and your husband dies,

it takes away your whole sense of security.

So, I began writing about having all the money in the world.

I imagined myself going to spas and swanky New York parties,

just like the people on TV,

where nobody has any real problems,

and everything is solved within 30 minutes.

I tried to imagine myself as Mary Richards, Genie, That Girl,

but I was so angry,

I was more like a female version of Steven Seagal,

wanting to fight the whole world.

For a while, I lost myself in food,

and a depression so deep

that I couldn't even get out of bed.

Until I saw that my family needed me to pull through,

so that they could pull through.

One day I actually imagined being with another man.

But then I felt so guilty,

I had to pretend it was for some altruistic reason.

Then Darlene had the baby, and it almost died.

I snapped out of the mourning immediately

and all of my life energy turned into choosing life.

In choosing life,

I realize that my dreams of being a writer

wouldn't just come true.

I'd have to do the work.

As I wrote about my life, I re-lived it.

Whatever I didn't like, I re-arranged.

I made a commitment to finish my story,

even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night,

while everyone else was asleep.

But the more I wrote,

the more I understood myself,

and why I had made the choices I made,

and that was the real jackpot.

I learned that dreams don't work without action.

I learned that no one could stop me but me.

I learned that love is stronger than hate.

Most important, I learned that God does exist.

He and/or she is right inside you,

underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame.

I think I'll be a lot better now that this book is done.

[young D.J] Happy birthday, Mom.

Here, pencils.

[young Darlene] Yeah, I got you some notepads.

[young Becky] I got you a dictionary and a thesaurus.

[Dan] You know, Stephen King started this way.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger ♪

♪ Were gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

[Roseanne] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA