All language subtitles for Roseanne S09E24 Into That Good Night (2) - fiveofseven

♪♪ [harmonica]

It's a Winnie the Pooh cake.
Isn't it the cutest?

Look at, look at what
it says on the card.

Happy two months birthday,
Harris, we love you.

You stick your finger
in that, I'll kill you.

Wait a minute,
I'm confused,

I thought birthdays
only come in years.

No, this little girl
has been through so much

that we're going to celebrate
every little milestone,

now matter how small it is.

Wait to you see what we
got planned for her
first ear infection.

[door bell rings]

Hello, hello!

We come bearing gifts.

Dolls and a tea set.

And...a G.I. Joe
and a football.

We figured we'll put them
at opposite ends of her room,

and let her gender
identify herself.

Ah, to be young again.

So where is she?

Huh? She's so cute.

You know, she doesn't really
belong in this family.

Leon, we all
started out cute.

Hmm.

I'm going to check
on her right now.

I'll let you all know
when she's ready
to receive guests.

Well, Bev is still out there
trying to park the Econoline.

Oh yeah, none of you happens
to own a red Datsun, do you?

I do, why?

No reason really.

It's just--
it's very sporty.

Sorry I'm late.

A couple of Mason
jars exploded.

No jam this Christmas.

Oh, rats!

Rats! Rats! Rats!

I'm ready to see
my namesake.

Sound the trumpets!

Tell her that her
great-grandmother
is here!

Don't worry,
she's been warned.

♪ If what doesn't kill us
is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall
in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit
with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life
some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out
better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I hear movement.
Movement!

She's awake!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

One at a time!

You people are scary
enough individually.

Oh, we just want to see
the baby, Roseanne.

Me first!

Me first!

Okay, we're going
in order of sanity.

Well, we can't
all be last.

Oh!

You must be so cold in
this drafty old house.

Oh, look,
so cute and tiny.

I just want to put
you on a key chain.

Oh, look at this, Harris.

This is a picture of your
mother when she was a teenager.

She never was much
of a smiler.

This is my daughter,
your grandmother.

I don't know who that child
is she's holding underwater.

Oh, my, my baby's
a grandmother.

My head is spinning.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I've set you up with
a little savings bond.

Now, it could be for college
or a car when you're 16,

or in case your husband
runs out on you and
leaves you broke,

and depressed and miserable
and angry at the whole world.

Anyway...

Hi, Harris.

You're such
a beautiful child.

I know your life
is going to be filled
with love and happiness.

Did that sound sincere?

A lot of times people accuse
me of not sounding sincere

when I really am.

Hey, Harris, you're
going to be a star.

[video camera beeps]

Good evening.

This is a little
piece I call Baby.

[D.J.]
Baby's eye.

Baby's chin.

Baby's ear.

Put them all together,

and you have...baby!

This has been
a D.J. Conner film.

Oh, look, she's smiling.

Oh, hello, precious.

Boo boo boo
toot toot too.

Brrh.

[baby cries]

Look at that.

This is Aunt Scott
and Aunt Leon.

Hi!

Hi!

Do the angry face.

The one I like.

That's it.

He loves that.

Hey, if you ever need
somebody to talk to,

I mean when you can,

I'm a good listener.

I'm not pushy like some
people in this family.

I'm not naming
names, but...

Hey, give Grandpa
a big smile, huh?

Uh.

Hmm? Huh?

[baby talk]

God, Darlene
is so lucky.

Hi.

So when are we going
to tell everybody that
we're lucky, too?

Mark, we just found out.

It's too early
to say anything.

Besides, we don't want
to take all the attention
away from Darlene.

Yeah, let's wait a couple
of weeks until they're
tired of the baby.

Hey, do you think it would
be okay if I touched her?

Let me see your hands.

No.

Harris, this is your
cousin Andy,

and your Uncle Jerry.

Oh, honey, oh jeez.

There you go.

Okay.

Hey.

Had a lot of visitors
today, didn't you?

I hope nobody frightened you,

because they all
love you very much.

There's a lot of love
here in this house.

You might hear some yelling
or some naughty words

sometimes, but sometimes the
love is just so strong

that they can't contain it.

Okay?

Hey, kid.

I used Lava.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Oh, man, this dad thing
is going to be great.

You guys, that baby
is so wonderful.

Thanks, Nancy.

No, I mean she's
really special.

Wouldn't it be incredible

if she turned out to be
the first woman president?

I think it's more important
to raise honest children.

You know,
seeing the baby,

and then seeing you and then
seeing the baby again

made me realize that--

Hey! You're a real dad!
Get over here!

Well, it is, it's starting
to feel that way,

just now, you know?

Mr. Conner, when did you start
to feel like a real dad?

Oh, well that was when
we had little Jerry.

I had had some
children before that,

but they were just
for practice.

I think it became real
for me at my wedding,

when I was breast feeding
Andy at the altar.

Naw, first time
I held Becky.

The way she looked at me,
you never forget that.

Yeah, those little
blue eyes

that know nothing about
the world around them.

Hmm, she still
looks like that.

Gosh, baby's just
so amazing.

Can't wait until I'm a dad.

I think you will.

Oh, now, you
never know, Dan.

'Cause these days they're
having sex a lot sooner.

Things happen.

I don't think so.

Leon and I have a little
announcement to make,
don't we?

No, we don't.

Yes, we do.

How can we keep quiet,
it is in the air.

All right,
I will tell them.

Scott and I are
going to adopt a baby,

which I think I told you
all at Thanksgiving.

Yes, and I behaved
dreadfully.

Yes, and not for
the first time.

All is forgiven, sweetheart,
all is forgiven.

Any rate, today I am
overjoyed to announce

that we have begun
the adoption paperwork

and in two months we will
be the proud parents

of little three
year old Nadia.

She is from Romania.

We're going to San Francisco
to pick her up.

Imagine that.

We're going
to San Francisco

and we're going
to pick up a girl.

You guys are rescuing
a little girl,

you're the best.

Your karma rating just
went through the roof.

Well, I couldn't
be happier.

I can't think
of two better mothers.

Still, it is a big
responsibility.

You will need some experienced
parents to give you advice.

Leave them alone,
Mother,

unless you want to take
five or ten seconds

and write down
everything you know.

I mean, babies
are hard enough,

and then once they
start toddling,

you have to watch
them every minute.

Well, I'm going
to take the even moments

and Leon will
take the odd.

No, the other
way around.

Well, whatever.

Roseanne was always
getting into everything,

you know, she used
to sit under the sink

with a bucket on her head.

She made me stand
guard with a broom.

I never understood what
she was hiding from.

Hey, you guys,
lunch is here,

courtesy of Uncle Wong's.

I'll go help Mom
set the table.

You know, that place is
on their third Uncle Wong.

It's like Lassie.

Man, there's a lot
of people out there.

Yeah, well, soon
as the free food's gone,

they'll be gone, too.

You know, Mom, it really
is too crowded around here.

So, David and I were
thinking that instead

of spending a couple
of months here,

we could probably be out
of here in a couple of weeks.

A couple weeks isn't long
enough for me to teach

you all the stuff that
I want to teach you.

I mean, when we
had that talk,

you said you wanted
to learn stuff from me.

What would you
do if the baby...

got an ear infection.

Talk to her from
the opposite side.

No, I'm serious, Darlene.

I mean, I just want to make
sure that you know this stuff.

Well, there's always
the phone, Mom.

Because I know you
don't want us camping
out here forever.

I mean, you made
that pretty clear.

When?

When did I make
that clear?

For now.

You're the one that
said "for now" first.

Well, you didn't exactly
beg me to stay around here.

Well, okay, so do you want
me to beg you to stay?

Please, please, please,
stay, stay, stay.

I beg you.
I double-dog beg you.

Is that clear enough
there for now?

I want to stay
home with you, Mom.

Really?

Yeah.

You do?

For how long?

Mmm, you first.

Okay, well, that's just my
opening negotiating point.

For...ever?

Well, seeing as I plan
to outlive you,

I'll meet you half way.

It's a deal.

So, welcome home,
Darlene.

You're grounded.

[Dan]
Hey! What's
with the food!

Shut up!

Oh, I love it here.

Was I right?

Can Uncle Wong's whip
up a lo mein, or what?

No, no, no,
that's chow mein.

You can tell
by the noodles.

All Chinese noodles
are the same.

Oh, Dad, that's
ridiculous.

Come on, Dad, lo mein
noodles are soft,

chow mein noodles
are crisper, I think.

Okay, I'm warning
everybody,

I am not going to live
through another version

of that pepperoni-sausage
debate from last week.

They are completely
different parts of the cow!

Bull!

All meat by-products,

rodent parts,
hair, saw dust,

encased in a tube,
are sausage!

Am I wrong?

[Roseanne narrating]
Everyone wonders
where creative

people get their
inspiration.

Actually, I've found it's
all around you.

Take Leon,
for instance.

[making siren noise]

Manners police.

I'm sorry, Dan, no whittling
at the dining room table.

Leon is not really
as cool as I made him.

He's the only gay guy I know
who belongs to the Elks Club.

You know, as far
as I'm concerned,

George Bush was the best
president we ever had.

I mean, look at all the
fat he cut out of Medicare.

You know, in China they
believe in reincarnation,

so they have a hell of a time
with their probate law.

And then there's Scott.

He really is a probate lawyer
I met about a year ago,

and introduced to Leon.

I guess I didn't get
too creative there.

Hey, D.J., quit bogarting
the moo goo gai pan.

[all]
Yeah, come on!

Yeah, well, Darlene took
all the pot stickers.

And now that
you're distracted,

I took the
moo goo gai pan.

Ha ha!

Confucius say,
you snooze, you lose.

Oh, thinning son.

A lot of kids have
called my son a nerd.

But as I told him,

they called
Steven Spielberg a nerd, too.

A lot of times nerds
are really artists

who just listen to the beat
of a different drummer.

[chop sticks clinking]

Roseanne, will you keep
your children in line.

I didn't raise my children
to throw chopsticks.

My mom came
from a generation

where women were supposed
to be submissive
about everything.

I never bought into that,

and I wish Mom
hadn't either.

I wish she had made
different choices.

So I think that's why
I made her gay.

I wanted her to have some
sense of herself as a woman.

You may think I'm crazy,

but it is the
women's movement

that has destroyed
the family unit.

Oh yeah.

And she's nuts.

Hey, man, check
out my fortune here.

True love lies where
you least expect it.

It better not.

Mark, I think I got yours.

Deepest thoughts run shallow.

There's lucky numbers
on the back.

Let's play the lottery.

[all laughing]

No thanks.

I can't get rid of all
this money now.

My sister, in real life,

unlike my mother, is gay.

She always told me
she was gay,

but for some reason, I always
pictured her with a man.

She's been my rock,

and I would not have made
it this far without her.

I guess Nancy's
kind of my hero, too...

Woman's shelter
needs furniture,

so if there's anything
you don't want,

let me know, and I'll
have it picked up.

'cause she got out
of a terrible marriage

and found a great
spiritual strength.

I don't know what happened
to that husband of hers,

but in my book I sent
him into outer space.

When Becky brought David
home a few years ago,

I thought,
"This is wrong."

He was much more
Darlene's type.

Do you want to go
to this poetry reading

before the museum?

Yeah, before, I want to pick
up some books first.

Oh, great.

When Darlene met Mark,

I thought he went
better with Becky.

Get me a beer.

Get it yourself, slob.

I guess I was wrong,

but, I still think they'd
be more compatible

the other way around.

So, in my writing,

I did what any good
mother would do.

I fixed it.

I lost Dan last year when
he had his heart attack.

But he's still the first thing
I think about when I wake up,

and the last thing I think
about before I go to sleep.

I miss him.

[Dan]
Roseanne?

Rosie?

Roseanne?

[Roseanne narrating]
Dan and I always felt that
it was our responsibility

as parents to improve
the lives of our children

by 50% over our own.

And we did.

We didn't hit our children
as we were hit.

We didn't demand their
unquestioning silence.

We didn't teach our
daughters to sacrifice
more than our sons.

As a modern wife,
I walked a tightrope

between tradition
and progress,

and usually, I failed

by one outsider's
standards or another's.

But I figured out that
neither winning nor losing

count for women like
they do for men.

We women are the ones who
transform everything we touch,

and nothing on earth
is higher than that.

My writing's really what
got me through the last year

after Dan died.

I mean, at first,
I felt so betrayed,

as if he had left me
for another woman.

When you're a blue-collar
woman and your husband dies,

it takes away your whole
sense of security.

So, I began writing
about having all the
money in the world.

I imagined myself going
to spas and swanky
New York parties,

just like the people on TV,

where nobody has
any real problems,

and everything is solved
within 30 minutes.

I tried to imagine
myself as Mary Richards,
Genie, That Girl,

but I was so angry,

I was more like a female
version of Steven Seagal,

wanting to fight
the whole world.

For a while,
I lost myself in food,

and a depression so deep

that I couldn't even
get out of bed.

Until I saw that my family
needed me to pull through,

so that they could
pull through.

One day I actually imagined
being with another man.

But then I felt so guilty,

I had to pretend it was
for some altruistic reason.

Then Darlene had the baby,
and it almost died.

I snapped out of the
mourning immediately

and all of my life energy
turned into choosing life.

In choosing life,

I realize that my dreams
of being a writer

wouldn't just come true.

I'd have to do the work.

As I wrote about my life,
I re-lived it.

Whatever I didn't like,
I re-arranged.

I made a commitment
to finish my story,

even if I had to write
in the basement in the
middle of the night,

while everyone
else was asleep.

But the more I wrote,

the more I understood myself,

and why I had made
the choices I made,

and that was
the real jackpot.

I learned that dreams
don't work without action.

I learned that no one
could stop me but me.

I learned that love
is stronger than hate.

Most important, I learned
that God does exist.

He and/or she
is right inside you,

underneath the pain,
the sorrow, and the shame.

I think I'll be a lot better
now that this book is done.

[young D.J]
Happy birthday, Mom.

Here, pencils.

[young Darlene]
Yeah, I got you
some notepads.

[young Becky]
I got you a dictionary
and a thesaurus.

[Dan]
You know, Stephen King
started this way.

♪ If what doesn't kill us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ Were gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit
with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that
I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life
some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also
get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out
better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

[Roseanne]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA