Original subtitles

♪♪ [harmonica]

Could use a little more work,

but I think Darlene, David, and the baby

will be comfortable here for a month or two

or whenever they decide to go back to Chicago.

Yeah. What could Chicago possible have to offer them

besides culture and excitement?

Let's see, we need some room-darkening shades,

some of them outlet-cover thingies,

and we can baby-proof the room later.

Yeah, and at some point, we're gonna have to repaint.

Well, I don't know, honey.

The paint's holding up pretty well.

Well, of course it is.

There's nothing more durable than lead.

That ain't lead paint.

They haven't made lead paint in 20 years.

Replace lead paint.

Don't forget the baby monitor.

What are you talking about?

David and Darlene will be sleeping right next to the crib.

It's not for them, it's for me.

If that baby cries, I want to hear it.

And if Darlene and David just happen to be talking about us,

well, then I'll turn it down.

Or not.

Sly puss.

You're not thinking it's totally cool

that our granddaughter's gonna be living in this room?

Yeah. Well, all our kids pass through here at some point.

It's like our own personal Ellis Island.

What are you doing in my room?

You handle this, Dan.

Actually, D.J., your niece

is coming home from the hospital next week,

and, uh, David, Darlene--

Oh, God, you're shipping me to the basement, aren't you?

Oh, come on! A basement isn't that bad.

It's pretty nice. It's...

It's warm. You got your own furnace.

Yeah, my own spiderwebs, my own asbestos.

That's right. Spiderwebs? No flies.

Asbestos? No fires. Case closed.

But, Mom, you were gonna turn the basement back into your writing room.

Well, we all have to make sacrifices, and that's mine.

Besides, D.J.,

the basement is a perfect environment for a growing lad such as yourself.

Yeah. Have you ever heard In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida played down there?

It's awesome.

Plus you got them ground-floor windows.

You can sneak out whenever you want.

Yeah? Well, how am I gonna do that

when I'm gasping for air and covered in spider bites?

Ask David. He did it for years.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Whoo!

I can't believe the baby's really coming home today.

I thought she'd never make it out of the shop.

I am so excited, too.

And the best part is that this time

I'm not recovering from the birth.

You know, we got a lot to be thankful for, babe.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's one of those deals

where it sounds like the mom's heartbeat.

Whoa. So that's what a healthy heart sounds like.

Oh, hey, did D.J. get all his stuff moved down to the basement?

Yeah, he did. Good.

Now I can volunteer to help him.

Hey, Dan, do you think that, uh,

my asking Darlene and David to move in here

was the right thing to do?

Well, isn't that what you want? Yeah.

Well, that used to be the right thing to do.

Did something change around here?

No, I was just wondering if maybe I'm being a little selfish, you know?

Maybe if I'm doing this more for me than for them.

You probably are, but...

it's still a nice thing to do.

What if they don't want to move in here?

Honey, why are so worried about this?

Figure it out, Dan.

If they don't like the accommodations, okay, they check out early,

and they'll probably try to sneak that baby out of here with 'em.

Honey, that's what kids do. They leave the nest.

Now, you should be proud.

We've raised some independent, free-spirited individuals.

What the hell were we thinking?

Everything's gonna be okay.

Oh. I gotta go.

Gotta pick everybody up from the hospital.

Our granddaughter will be coming home shortly.

Wow. That sounds so great.

Say it again, Dan, louder.

Roseanne and Dan's granddaughter

is coming home today.

Let's get ready to rumble!

Sassy. Spin around and let me check out that caboose.

[making ape noises]

All right, that's it, Roseanne.

Four bottles of pine cleanser and two cans of Lemon Pledge.

[imitating Zelda Rubinstein] This house is clean.

Okay, I got the bathroom clean as a whistle.

That sandpaper and bleach goes a long way.

Hey, good job.

Now get on the phone and tell everybody

that we're having a homecoming party for the baby

and they gotta get here before the house gets dirty again.

Hey, and if you're gonna wear that thing on your head, make me some pancakes.

Can you believe it, Roseanne?

We're bringing another baby home.

This is a lucky house.

It adapts well to new life.

I can't imagine this family living anywhere else.

Yeah. Lottery or no, I could never get rid of this house.

Okay, Mark is asking if you want him to score a keg.

Um, no, that's okay.

I think I'll just fire up the Harley

and take the baby out on her first beer run myself.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure

to introduce Miss Harris Conner Healy.

So, what do you think of the joint?

What's not to like?

At least she's not under that grow bulb anymore.

Sweetie, this is your new house.

Look at those eyes. I think she likes it here.

Of course she does.

This is where all the Conners belong.

It smells like... pine forest.

Next to a...lemon grove.

Over a landfill.

Yeah. And then I was thinking

this rocking chair here should be right in front of the window

so you can sit there, feed the baby,

and then look out and yell at the neighbor kids

to stay off your lawn.

Well, Mom, I don't want to turn into you all at once.

Take a big fat look in the mirror, Darlene.

You lost.

Okay. Well, uh... you know, if you guys don't need me,

I'll go get the rest of the stuff out of the car.

Right. I'm gone.

Oh, I can't wait to see the baby

in these cute little outfits.

Is this all the T-shirts you've got?

Uh, I think so. Why? Does she need more?

Yeah. I mean, when you were her age,

I had at least twice this many.

Of course, some of them were your Dad's old socks.

I'm really glad you're here, Darlene.

I am, too.

Good. 'Cause...you know,

I don't want you to be here unless you wanna be here.

Oh, yeah. And I wouldn't be here unless I wanted to be here...

and, of course, you wanted me to be here.

Oh, yeah. Definitely I want you to be here.

For now.

Right. Yeah, for now.

Yeah. Now's great. I mean...

'cause now could be an hour or...you know...

Or more.

Yeah. Whatever.

I mean, you have to do what makes you happy.

You can't worry about hurting my feelings.

Well, I never worry about hurting your feelings.

I just want to stick around for a little while

so I can learn some stuff from you.

Oh, Darlene, you already know a lot of stuff.

You changed D.J.'s diaper once.

Don't remind me.

See, you're lucky you got a girl.

Their aim isn't nearly as good.

You know, I mean, it's not the little things,

like how often do I feed her? When do I change her?

Stuff like that.

It's the big things, you know?

I mean, like...

God, how do I help her become a good person?

You just have her watch a lot of public television,

and the rest takes care of itself.

You don't have to know everything all at once, Darlene.

I sure didn't.

You didn't? No.

I mean, I was your age when I had Becky,

and I didn't even know half of what you know now.

Oh, so that's why you kept her, right?

I did what I had to do to make sure my kids got what they needed,

and you'll do the same.

You really think so? Of course.

I'll give you a great example.

Remember that time when I had to go down to your school

to talk to your teacher because you'd been barking in class?

Vaguely.

Well, see, I'd never been in a situation like that before,

and I didn't really know what to do.

But then, all of a sudden,

my mother instincts kicked in,

and I did the exact right thing.

What'd you do?

Oh, good. You're still repressing that memory of obedience school.

Come on, Mom.

Look, Darlene, everything's gonna be okay, you know?

I mean, the hard part doesn't even come till later

when you look at your kid and realize

it's not just your baby, it's a real human being,

and she's gonna do things the way she wants to do 'em.

Hmm. But...

that's also the best part.

You really think so?

No, not really.

Actually, the best part

is when you can mold their tender little egos

to fit your every whim.

God.

I can't believe I barked.

Oh, honey, we all barked.

Hey, what's this? Some new religious thing?

A little help here!

I think I snapped my pelvis.

Thanks.

It's not so bad down here, you know?

Just remember,

they're not cockroaches, they're water beetles.

Okay.

Well, you know, I kinda feel bad about moving you down here to the basement,

but the only thing I can say to you

is the same thing I said to Becky and then to Darlene.

We love the new baby more than you.

It's okay. I'm kinda fond of her myself.

You know, but down here, I can have more than just a bedroom.

I can have, like, a whole studio.

Okay, over here,

I'm gonna put, like, my editing bay.

You know what that is, right?

Where you edit?

Right.

Okay, now, I'll put my computer over here,

and that'll be, like, my pre-production area.

All I need is, like, a corkboard,

a couple of pushpins.

Then, of course, a project.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna leave this space over here blank.

It's gonna be, like, my home theater system.

[chuckles] Pass that along to Santa.

Santa, huh?

Well, there's another little talk we need to have.

I'm really proud of you, son.

Mom. No.

I know. I've said this all before, haven't I?

Mm-hmm. Well...

This is a different kind of proud, though.

It's not like the same kind of proud I was

when you took your first steps...

or when you got your first C in math.

It's more of a grownup kind of a proud, you know?

It's like you have a little boy,

and you watch him eat all his crayons,

and he's biting people and stuff,

and you wonder what kind of a guy he's gonna grow up to be.

And then one day, he does something very classy,

and you realize that some woman is gonna owe you

a great big thank-you note

for raising such a wonderful son.

Wow! A woman!

Did you hear any of that other stuff I said?

Yeah!

You know, this was gonna be your writing room.

I can teach you how to use my computer.

[Roseanne] My own dungeon!

It's an office!

So you can write!

Oh! My own office! Do you like it?

It's my own office!

This is so you don't bother us when you write.

Oh, it's just great! It's fantastic!

Yeah, I put all these shelves in here for, uh--

your, uh-- you know, the stuff you write.

Manuscripts. Manuscripts.

Man, I can't believe that you remember

when this was gonna be my writing room.

It was, like, one of your greatest birthdays.

Yep.

We got some shoesies!

And a cute little hat.

And a...

some kind of damn little girlie thing.

And-- Ho! This!

The last dress Darlene ever wore.

Yeah. See?

It's fun poking through old stuff, ain't it?

Well, we haven't had much fun around here in a while.

Yeah, these are good times. Mm-hmm.

I guess we deserve some.

It has been a very weird year.

Yeah, well...

Uh, I think that Roseanne is really glad to have you back in the house, Dan.

I was sitting in that motel by the airport,

and I finally realized the whole California thing was so stupid.

I belong here.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

And I think Roseanne is glad to be home, too.

You know, the...

time we spent running around on trains and going to spas

and hobnobbing in the Hamptons,

it just didn't work for us.

I mean, don't get me wrong. It was fun...

Well, not for me.

Okay.

It's time for the dumping of the nipples.

Wow. It looks like a naked synchronized swim team.

Hey, hey! We got the pizzas!

Man, look at all this stuff!

Oh.

Darlene used to tie up D.J. with these ones.

Yeah?

I used to string up David with my mom's nylons.

Very resourceful, Mark.

You know, I, uh, do what I can.

God, I think it is so great that Mom saved all this stuff.

I wonder if she saved any stuff for you.

Mom!

Maybe you were right, Dan.

It is kinda cool saving stuff like this.

Yoo-hoo! I'm here! Haul out the holly!

[sighs] Then again there is something to be said

for throwing out the old.

Did you get a Border-to-Border?

What on earth is that?

Canadian bacon and jalapeño peppers.

What's the matter? Don't you know your international cuisine?

One Border-to-Border right here.

Who wants a soda?

I do. Me, me.

Ugh! Anchovies.

Oh! Wait! I'll take that one.

I just... feel like anchovies.

Look, everyone, discovery.

If you fold your pizza over, you can make your own calzone.

Olé!

The baby woke up when she smelled the pizza.

It's official. She's a real Conner.

This is just the best.

Yeah.

I really like the way the place's cheese grips the crust, you know?

And if you've ever had scalding hot cheese in your lap,

you'd appreciate what I'm talking about.

Um, no, honey, I wasn't talking about the pizza.

I was talking about, you know, all of us being together like this.

You know, just being here together.

Yeah, I like that.

Hey, um...

what about somebody saying grace?

Grace? We never say grace?

I know, but isn't it about time to start?

I mean, we owe God in a big way.

Yeah. I must have said a thousand prayers

on every corner of that hospital.

Well, you know, everybody prays when stuff's, like, in crisis.

But how many people really pray when stuff's going good?

I do.

Nobody say anything bad about her.

Okay. What do we do?

Do we hold hands or something?

No. I just think the important thing is

that, you know, we need to stop praying in dark corners and hiding.

We should start praying in the way we fight:

out loud and in public where everybody can hear it.

Okay, I'll go. All right.

[sighs, clears throat]

Dear God. Uh...

we thank You for everything--

not just for the pizza which we are about to receive,

although we do love pizza as You well know.

Um...

I don't know if I can really find the words

to express how grateful I am, um...

to just have the family here, all together,

and everybody being healthy and...

[sighs]

That's more important than winning the lottery a hundred times.

But I think most of all,

we would like to thank You for answering our prayers

and letting Darlene and David's little girl

beat all the odds...

just like us Conners always do.

Amen.

Amen. Amen.

That was really nice, honey.

Thank you. Well, you know...

words are, like, my thing.

I put the baby down in Mom and Dad's bed.

Are you sure she won't roll over the edge?

David, she's surrounded by pillows.

Besides, she's in that huge divot in the middle.

Hey. Hmm?

You okay with all this?

With what?

You know, staying here with my parents for a while.

Are you kidding? I love it here.

It's... It's never dull.

Well, cool. 'Cause I just feel safe being near my mom right now,

at least until the baby's bigger and stronger.

Well, people who own this house do tend to get bigger, don't they?

And you know, I think it'll be really great for my dad, too.

He acts, like, 20 years younger when he's around the baby.

It's gotta be good for him

after the heart attack and everything, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it's great.

You know what this is? It's really tribal.

Tribal?

Note to myself:

I alone will teach the baby new words.

No, I just mean that Harris will get

to start off her life in a real extended family.

I never thought about it like that.

Darlene, it's gonna be so great.

I mean, it's very natural.

It's like, throughout history,

that's how every child grew up.

There wasn't day care or babysitters.

It was just the family.

It's perfect.

We should tell your parents how grateful we really are.

I'll do it. You tend to gush.

Besides, I'm not sure they're crazy

about this whole idea in the first place.

What are you talking about?

They love having us here, don't they?

I mean, I thought they did,

but then I talked to my mom,

and I got this weird feeling

that they don't want us around here for too long.

Maybe they just meant you.

No, David.

It's just my mom, you know?

She's usually, like, so direct about everything.

Or haven't you noticed?

No, I noticed.

Well, so I just think if she wanted us to stay

for an extended period of time,

she would have said stay for an extended period of time.

Of course she would have used shorter words.

So what does this mean?

It means, I think, that we should

get out of here as soon as we can.

[baby cries]

I should go put the baby upstairs.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA