Original subtitles

♪♪ [harmonica]

[doorbell rings]

Dan, wake up.

Somebody's at the door.

What?

Dan, wake up.

Who the hell can it be at 2 in the morning?

[doorbell rings]

I don't know, but whoever it is, they're not going away.

Oh, I had the weirdest dream.

I was-- I finished my boat.

Yeah, that really was a dream.

I caught this big fish with teeth,

and it kept biting me.

I think it was a barracuda.

Anyway, it wouldn't stop biting me.

What do you think that means?

Mom!

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Mom, why didn't you call us and tell us

you'd been released?

Well, there's only one phone for the patients,

and that Mrs. Dempsey, the one with Alzheimer's,

she refused to get off the phone

until she remembered who she was talking to, so--

so I just-- I gave up, and I hit the road.

Well, we're very happy to see you, Audrey,

but, you know, we could have picked you up at the airport.

Oh, I didn't fly. I came by bus.

The bus?

Mom, we-- we've got money now.

We-- We could've flown you here.

Yeah, first class:

slippers, hot towels, the works.

No, heavens, no, dear.

I had a lovely seat on the bus.

And besides, I can't go to the bathroom on a plane.

Those big blue blocks of poo-poo,

they fall from the sky.

And they kill people.

I don't want to be responsible.

Mom, are you sure you're okay?

Oh.

Oh, don't worry about me, dear.

I'm just so happy to be out of that place.

I really miss the simple things, you know,

like sitting down to a cup of tea with my family...

and having a fork.

You never know how much you miss the simple things

until they're wrenched from your hand.

So, wh-what did the doctor say?

Do you-- Do you need any follow-up?

No, they said I'm well. Voilà!

Yes. I don't need to go back there anymore.

I'm 100% completely cured.

Yes, I-- In fact, I...

I don't think I ever needed to be there.

Don't worry.

We'll take very good care of your mother.

[chuckles]

[both laughing]

Well, that's great.

I'd skip and leap around with glee,

but it's 3 in the morning.

Yeah, come on, Audrey. Let me show you to your room.

Oh, no, dear. Don't bother.

I'll just sit here and wait for you to wake up.

My son...

I gave you life.

And you've made my life

what it is today.

Well, we're gonna hit the hay!

Honey?

First thing in the morning, I'm calling that doctor.

[giggles]

There. There. Mm-mm!

Yeah, yeah. Dr. Esterhaus.

Hi. This is Dan Conner.

Audrey Conner's son.

Yeah-- Yeah, thank you. Umm...

the reason I'm calling is because...

my mother showed up here last night,

and, uh, I--

Oh, you did?

Okay, so everything's all right, then.

Okay, fine. Yeah, we were just a little worried

because she showed up here

in the middle of the night, and, uh--

Okay, well, yeah, thank you.

I-I guess that's all I needed to know.

Thanks.

So what did the doctor say?

He said he signed the release form himself,

and she's gonna be fine

as long as she keeps taking her medication.

See, honey. I told you.

Everything's okay. You got nothing to worry about.

She's as normal as you or me.

[pound pound]

Mom. Mom! Mom! Mom!

What are you doing?

Just whacking some nuts.

Umm...you're cooking?

You don't know how to cook.

Well, of course I do, dear.

I read somewhere if you can read, you can cook.

I'm making some pancakes for my Danny boy.

♪ Danny boy, the piles, the pipes are smiling ♪

Is that-- that batter supposed to be

all lumpy like that?

Dear, those are just the nuts.

Well, it looks yummy-yummy, but, uh,

I'm afraid I can't eat pancakes. What?

I'm on kind of a diet.

Oh, come on. One isn't going to kill you.

No, I gotta be good.

But I'm sure the rest of the family will just love it.

No!

This was meant for you.

If you're not going to have it, then...

nobody else is going to have it.

Well, I had such a wonderful time this afternoon.

Darlene and David's little girl is so beautiful.

Yeah, she sure is.

That little girl is gonna break a lot of hearts.

Yes. Children are good at that, aren't they? Hmm.

This is so nice, isn't it?

Just being together like this.

Sure is.

Yes, when you were a little boy,

you'd come and put your head in my lap,

and we'd just sit and talk things.

Yeah. [chuckling]

Do you remember when I used to bring you out

to the parties, to the the twist?

[snorts] Then one time--

one time, you-- you threw up on your father's boss.

[chuckling] Yeah!

Mr. Crayton, remember?

Yeah, Mr. Crayton. I had that real bad flu,

and you dragged me out of bed, and...

it's almost like you wanted me

to throw up on Mr. Crayton!

You hated him.

No, I didn't hate him, dear.

I thought he was a moron.

There's a big difference.

You seen, when you hate someone,

well, you almost have this...

violent feeling.

But when you think they're morons,

you just hope for their unhappiness and failure.

That's the difference.

But you never listen to your own mother.

Yeah. That was the most

humiliating night of my life.

Not as humiliating as trying to eat a steak with a spoon

in a cafeteria with a bunch of nervous patients.

We'll take very good care of your mother.

Mom, what do you say we bury the hatchet?

[gasp] I didn't know you had a hatchet.

Where is it, dear?

Mom, it's just an expression.

We don't have a hatchet.

It means we just stop arguing.

Oh, dear, we're not arguing.

We understand each other perfectly.

At least I understand you.

You've never understood me.

You always overreacted

to my little eccentricities.

And if you throw someone into the hospital,

be sure you get a second opinion!

Well...

Well, my. Wasn't that a nice chat?

I think that I'll just go and take a little nap.

Dear, tell me. Do you have a space heater?

Because it gets so chilly in the basement.

Yeah, I think we got one out in the garage.

Thank you.

[door closes]

[another door closes]

[engine running]

[door slams shut]

[banging]

[coughing] Help!

Help!

Help!

Okay. Now the point is to sit close enough to the movie

so it fills your whole field of vision.

But the tradeoffs are foreshortened image

and an inoptimal reception of the THX sound.

My goodness. In my day, we just worried about

sitting behind somebody with a hat.

Prozac, Lithobid, Xanax.

You've got a pretty good mix there.

Not polite to read somebody else's

prescription labels, dear.

Oh. Well, I didn't read the labels.

I recognized the pills.

You-- you-- you've taken these?

No. My mom has. Plus Mellaril, Xanax, Risperdal,

Haldol, Thorazine, you name it.

My goodness. What does she need them for?

Oh, she's a little whacked!

You know. So whenever she felt bad,

she just popped every pill

and hoped that one of them would make her feel better.

You know, Heather, we gotta go.

D.J., the movie's not for another two hours.

Oh, no. Are we really that late?

What on earth are you kids having to leave so early for?

Oh, we're gonna go see Return of the Jedi.

You must have heard of it, Grandma.

It's a late-'70s sci-fi genre pic.

Yeah, but so were Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back,

and you weren't nearly as excited to see them.

Yeah, well,

this does have a few features the other two lack.

Yeah? Like what?

Well, you know, advancements

in special effects, and sound quality,

and a whole lot of scenes

with Princess Leia in a bikini.

Ohh!

What'd you do that for?

I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that.

What's going on? I thought I heard glass breaking!

You didn't hear me yelling? I couldn't get the door open.

Uh, well, to get out a door,

you do what you did to get in, only backwards.

Honey, this is serious.

Somebody turned a motorcycle on...

[swallows hard]

and if I hadn't broken that glass, I would have died in there.

Well, yeah. Or you could just have turned the motorcycle off.

By then, the whole place was filled with exhaust.

Well, I always said that motorcycle was dangerous.

You know what?

I don't think this was an accident.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Dan.

You probably just locked yourself in there.

Somebody had to close that door.

Doors just don't shut by themselves.

Somebody like... the wind?

Yes, and I suppose Mr. Wind started the motorcycle up, too.

Honey...

I think my mom's trying to kill me.

Okay, don't be ridiculous, Dan.

How much of that exhaust did you breathe in?

Apparently not as much as she wanted me to.

That is crazy. Why would she want to do something like that?

I think she's still mad at me

for putting her in the hospital.

Dan, that was over 20 years ago!

I'm sure she's over it by now.

I think she's still got it in for me.

You know, you really need to stop blaming your mother

for all of your problems.

Honey, the woman just got out of the hospital.

Yeah. Out. Remember?

The doctor told her she was fine.

No, the doctor told her she was fine

as long as she keeps taking her medication.

Maybe-- maybe she's stopped.

Well, I really think that you're worried about nothing, Dan.

But, uh, just to be safe,

maybe you wanna start carrying around a whistle?

Okay, come on, Heather. Let's go.

God, would you relax? We've got plenty of time.

No, we don't! The Lanford Sci-Fi Club

has been lined up since yesterday.

Hey, wait a minute. Shouldn't you leave those swords here?

You certainly can't take them to the theater with you.

Yeah, we can! They're just toys.

Besides, I'd like to see 'em try

and take it away from me.

Oh! Come on, come on, come on!

Come on, D.J.!

Let's see who the real...

Jedi Knight is! Ha ha ha, ha-ha!

Grandma, this is not real!

Put your hand on your hip like Errol Flynn!

I'm gonna get you. Stop it, Grandma!

Kill! Kill! Kill! I surrender!

Let me surrender! Ahh!

Mom! Mom! Mom!

Mom! What are you doing?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Hello.

Isn't it time for your medication?

Thank you.

Thank you...for reminding me.

Here, Audrey. Let me get you a glass of water.

I'd be lost without you two.

I'd hate to forget my pills.

Okay. I'm gonna go take a shower.

Hey, honey! Where's that big white towel?

It's in the linen cabinet!

Only it's a gray towel now.

I just can't believe it when people don't see

what's right in front of their face.

Well, that was just marvelous.

I don't remember the park having that many flowers.

Well, the last time we went--

Wait a minute.

Have we ever been to that park before?

[raspberry]

Ah, it was so relaxing,

just being outdoors on a lovely spring day.

Thank you very much for taking me.

Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it, Audrey.

I'm gonna make a nice pot of tea.

See, Dan? I told you your mother's totally fine.

You just totally overreacted.

Yeah. I-I gotta admit,

she was great today.

Yeah. You know, the kids were probably just playing in the garage

and turned the bike on and forgot to turn it off.

Your mom had nothing to do with it.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Yeah, what was I thinking?

I don't know. But, you know,

at least now you don't have to worry.

You can just relax and enjoy your mom's visit.

Yeah. I'm gonna go put Jerry down for a nap.

Nah.

[groaning]

[deep breath]

Dan, I made you some--

[soft snoring]

[sinister laughter]

[snoring]

Whoa!

Wherever did you get this lovely thing, dear?

Look, look how it looks like a rainbow,

with the lights coming through.

Sure does.

You always did love art, didn't you, dear?

I did?

Darling, do you remember the lovely necklace

that I promised you when I was making macrame

from the tea-bag strings?

No-- [choking]

What's happening?

Oh, just reminiscing. Art. Art--

Reminiscing, my ass!

That woman's trying to kill me!

I'm telling you, it was her that shut that garage door!

That's it! I'm calling the hospital!

[door closes] She's going back!

Don't call the hospital, Dan!

They can take away any one of us!

[humming]

[roaring]

Ooh, I'm sorry, dear.

Ah! I though you were Dan.

Audrey, what are you doing?

Oh, I didn't get much exercise at the hospital.

Ooh. Okay. You're gonna think this sounds crazy, you know,

but Dan thinks you're trying to kill him.

Oh, no. Dear, no.

I'm not going to kill him.

I'm going to bury him alive.

Okay, I know you're kidding when you say stuff like that,

but it's really spooking Dan.

Oh, yes, dear. I considered spooking him

to try to make him have another heart attack,

but then I knew I couldn't count on that.

So you see, now I'm very excited

about burying him alive.

Now you're spooking me.

Roseanne. Dan has to pay.

Pay for locking me up. I was there for years.

I was there for years,

and I was stifled and suffocated,

and I was kept in the dark.

And now, I've fallen in love with the...

bury-him-alive plan. [cackling]

Now you can't be serious.

I am serious.

Anyway, he's taken away my life. Now I'm gonna take away his.

Ah! Ha ha--

It's such a lovely night for it, don't you think?

Huh?

Okay. Yeah, that's enough.

Okay, now gimme-- gimme the shov-- No!

No! I need it so I can whack him on the head and stun him!

Oh. No, but then-then-then I've give you the shovel.

And then you can help me

bury him alive, if you'd like.

Um, okay. That's enough talk about burying Dan alive, okay?

Just give me the shovel-- No! No! No!

Come on. Give me that damn shovel!

Damn. Why are you doing--

What is that? What is it?

Oh, my God! Ooh--

Audrey! You set fire to Dan's boat?

Yes, I did! Because it is Dan's boat! Aah!

I'm gonna destroy all his things!

And then I'm gonna destroy him!

I have to, because if I don't,

I know that he'll just put me back

in that hospital!

Ow! Why would he do that? You're well now!

Aah!

Audrey! No! No!

Audrey, what happened to you out there in California?

Did you have one too many

frozen mocha frappuccinos?

You can't have my sock!

Give my sock back!

It's-- It's-- It's--

So cool of Grandma to build us this barbeque pit.

Yeah. I haven't had s'mores since I was a Brownie.

This is fun. Why don't you two

go get the graham crackers?

How are you doing there, Audrey?

Ah, just wonderful now that they tripled my dosage.

I feel so much better!

That's great. But, Mom, remember.

You gotta keep at it.

Oh, don't worry, dear.

No more trying to kill my Danny.

Okay, who's ready? Oh, I am.

I am, I am, I am.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh! There. Mmm! [chuckles]

[moaning, chewing]

Delicious! Ooh!

This is so much better

than trying to make them with a hair dryer!

I was just thinkin' that same thing.

Dan? Mm-hmm?

Your mom's out of her freakin' mind.

Roseanne?

People with glass mothers shouldn't throw stones.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA