Original subtitles

♪♪ [harmonica]

I'm gonna have to call you back.

The subject on the Ricki Lake Show

is too fat to be a drag queen.

Mom! Mom! Mom!

Gotta get channel 4.

You're not gonna believe this.

Hollywood Tonight has learned

that all of Hollywood is in a feverish bidding war

for the rights to the life story

of Illinois lottery winner Roseanne Conner.

That's you! That's you!

Oh, my God! Turn that up!

[phone rings]

Hello.

Yeah, this is her.

What?

D.J., it's some network guy from Los Angeles--

Howard Morton?

Oh, even I've heard of him!

Wow! Uh...yeah.

Yeah...

Okay. Well, uh-- Oh.

Could you hold on a minute, Howard? I've got another call.

Hello.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

You're from where?

Oh. Well, isn't that a cable station?

Listen, could you hold a minute?

I got a real network on the other line.

Yeah. Howard, hello.

Um, no.

I really don't have any people

that could call your people.

Uh, why don't you just come here

and talk to me yourself?

All right, then.

Thank you. [beep]

[sighs] D.J...

a star is born.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waitin' for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I can't believe the department store delivered all these clothes!

Yes, along with my own clothes boy.

God, I wonder what I'm gonna wear

to try to impress this network guy.

Well, this looks very fetching.

Oh, that is divine.

Now, see, that is something

that you should maybe wear

when you have your picture in TV Guide.

Hey, hey, I'm goin' for the cover.

I need somethin' a little more bold.

Perhaps...this.

Oh, that's great!

Now, you know who you'd look like.

That-- That, uh, Anna Nicole Smith.

That's who should play me.

See?

She's seen her share of pain,

and yet she's still beautiful.

And smart enough to hook herself up

with some old coot that's got both feet in the grave.

Now, what about-- Gently, gently.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm payin' for it.

I just, uh...

can't decide.

I think I'm partial to this one.

Oh! I just decided who should play me.

Jaclyn Smith.

She the queen of the M.O.W.s.

I don't know. I just cannot decide.

Shall I have another truckload brought over?

Hey, hey, hey. Look who's slackin' now.

Hey, this is my meeting, not yours.

Just relax. I just want to meet him.

Although TV isn't my medium of choice,

doesn't hurt to make a few future connections.

Hello, hello.

I trust I'm now entering Hollywood East.

Oh, Scott, you look great.

You look just like a lawyer.

Well, I am a lawyer.

Ohh! These dresses are fabulous!

Is this what you're gonna be wearing?

You know, you are so...good!

I just can't believe it.

Where else would I find a guy

who could pick out the perfect dress

and close a great big Hollywood movie deal?

Oh, I don't know, Universal, Warner Bros.,

Paramount, Disney.

Bevy, you must be so excited

about Roseanne's meeting today.

I'd be a lot more excited if I was allowed to be there.

Ooh, to be a fly on the wall.

Don't you worry, now, Bev.

I'm sure that Scott will have

all the gory details for us.

I know, but it is so infuriating.

She treats me like a child!

[doorbell chimes]

[sighs] I mean, it's not like

I would just blurt out

that I was a lesbian

in front of a complete stranger!

Can I help you?

I'm looking for Ms. Beverly Harris.

That's me.

Oh. Uh, my name is Frank Andrews.

I'm a journalist, and I was hoping

to get an interview with you.

Really?

Yes. The mother of the woman

who won the lottery? Oh.

I think it's a very compelling story.

Bevy, where are your manners?

Why don't you invite the nice man in?

Hello.

Hello.

Hi. Leon Carp.

And it's spelled just like the fish.

Ah.

And I'm Joyce.

L-e-v-i-n-e.

"Leveen."

Le-vine.

So, uh, what paper do you write for?

Oh, uh, I'm, uh, freelance, actually,

but I've done stories for all the big publications.

You know, Atlantic Monthly,

The New Yorker.

People.

Ohh! Ah.

Well!

In that case, why don't you

just sit right down here by me, darling?

And I will tell you all about Bevy.

Well, now, Joyce, I have known her a lot longer.

Oh, but I know her a lot better.

[Joyce laughs]

I, uh, want to hear from all of you,

but I think I'll start with Bev.

Oh, my. Where shall we start?

Yeah, there are so many.

I-- I hope you have more paper in the car.

Ha ha!

Boy, I'm gonna charm the pants off of these people.

This is a slam dunk. [ding dong]

Wow! What a remarkable piece of sculpture.

Such a brash statement

about the inevitable failure of technology.

No, sir. That's a Buick on blocks.

Guess who.

Howard Morton, president of ABX.

And this is my associate, Bill Morris.

Hello.

This is unbelievable.

I've read your story over 15 times,

and every time I read it, I said, "What does Rosie look like?"

And this is what I imagined. No. No. I'm Rosie.

I know. I was just talking to your brother.

Look what I have for you.

ABX hats and T-shirts.

And they're free.

In other words, they're not gonna come out of the budget

of this project. Howard Morton.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Ah. Sit down.

We at ABX are so excited

about your movie of the week.

And if it works, a guaranteed series.

Well, hold on. My client hasn't said yes yet.

Huh. Yeah, Scott here is, uh, well, he's kind of my lawyer,

for now, anyway.

Well. I didn't know

they had entertainment lawyers

here in, uh...

Lanford.

Actually, uh, my field is probate law.

Now, I am particularly concerned

what is gonna happen

to my client's interest in this project

after she's dead.

Gee, Scott, I-- I don't think after I'm dead

that I'm really gonna be interested in much of anything. Yeah.

Look, let me make it clear to you what's going on.

First of all, isn't your husband involved in this?

Yeah. Uh, Dan?

[burp] Ohh...

He shouldn'ta drank those milk shakes.

[sighs] Well, I-- I think maybe

we're gonna have to excuse my husband.

Um, he just found out he's lactose-intolerant.

[groaning]

[gurgles] Oh, God!

Look, I feel that my client--

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. Okay?

First of all, television is in my blood

from the ground up.

I graduated from Harvard.

I got a Master's at Yale in drama.

I went to Carnegie Mellon and got a PhD.

And how did you get involved with this network?

A friend of my dad's got me the job.

Ah. Huh.

Well, that's all very interesting,

but what we really want to hear about is this movie.

Oh. Gimme that chart. Hi.

Oh, this is my son D.J.

D.J., this is, uh, Mr. Howard Morton.

Mr. Morton, it's so nice to meet you.

I'm familiar with your body of work.

Oh, thanks, B.J.

It's D.J.

I'm a filmmaker myself. I mean, I have a reel here,

if you wouldn't mind taking a look at it.

And I think I have a unique voice.

Yeah, you do have a unique voice.

I'll show this to the executives, see what they think.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very so much.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing.

Must be the haircut.

Yes. Anyway, you were about to tell us about the movie.

Normally, I don't get involved with this garbage,

but this is a fascinating story.

Your profile was extremely long,

vis-à-vis urban focus groups.

But your Q rating outside the major metropolitan areas,

especially among states with high levels of lottery participation,

was significant enough for us to think the right time slot

could yield excellent demographics,

a strong rating, and a very good audience share.

You're the lawyer. What did he say?

Well, I think I recognized the word lottery.

Oh, my God, I'm screwed.

Don't worry, Roseanne.

He's slick, but I can handle him.

Mr. Morton, if you don't mind,

let's return for a moment

to the time of my client's death. Scott.

Um, could you just speak regular English to us?

I'm sure you must've picked that up at Yale

or Harvard or the Melonball school.

I'm gonna talk slower and louder.

Okay?

You're blue collar.

Middle America is blue collar.

Americans want to see themselves on television.

Got it?

Yes. Got it.

Who would you like to see play Rosie?

I got a surprise for you.

What if I said Melanie Griffith?

Melanie Griffith?

I knew you were gonna say that.

You don't think we can get her.

I've already sent her the story, and she loves it.

And her husband loves it.

Can you believe that? The cover of TV Guide--

Rosie, starring Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson?

She's not even married to Don Johnson anymore.

Oh, that's right.

Antonio Bonaduce. Yeah, that means

we'll get the Partridge Family following.

This is a guaranteed hit.

Okay, you've gotta be kidding me, right,

because... Melanie Griffith

looks nothing like me.

Roxie, we can't have fat people on TV.

What about Rosie?

Who? Rosey Grier.

Not Rosey Grier! That's the one O.J confessed to!

Rosie O'Donnell.

Who's he?

Daytime.

Oh, fat works in daytime.

It doesn't work in prime time.

And why is that?

Because.

Because why?

Just because, that's why.

Okay, this really doesn't make any sense at all.

Just a minute ago, you were sayin'

that the American people want to see

a reflection of themselves on TV. [phone rings]

Look, Roseanne, I don't want the fat to come between us.

We'll compromise.

Oprah.

Oprah's black.

Don't you see why that's brilliant?

If it doesn't work on our network, we can sell it to Fox!

Well...Oprah lost all her weight.

Do you have a dog?

No. That smell's from the old carpet.

Boss. We got a girl stuck in a well in Idaho.

Get the rights to it. We might want

to animate it for Saturday morning.

Now listen to me.

What we do on our network that no other network does

is we put humor into everything

so the whole family can watch.

I'll give you an example.

A guy is married for 30 years. All right?

True to his wife, he's at the Christmas party...

...and there's his wife brushing her teeth.

He said, "Honey, what's going on?"

She said, "Quiet. You'll wake my mother."

Well, my God! That's horribly offensive.

Of course it is. It's cable crap.

We don't do that on ABX.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

You've gotta do your story with us.

Well, but you're not even talkin' about my story anymore.

Uh, you guys said you wanted to do

a real story about my family.

Roseanne, the base characters are your family.

But we have to make them attractive.

Nobody in their right mind

is gonna want to look at you.

Uh...

Mr. Morton, may I point out

that any waiver of legatee obligation

without prima facie evidence of, uh,

equalized participation

would constitute a...nunc pro tunc agreement.

Yeah. Exactly!

What did you say?

I'm not sure. I just want to let him know

we can be confusing, too.

Let me simplify.

It's Friends meets Party of Five

meets Savannah. Bingo.

So you're sayin' that it'll be about a bunch of bulimics

and two shows that nobody watches.

Look, I have been doing this for a long time.

Over a year and a half.

And I know what the American public wants to see.

Well, I really don't think you do, Howard.

You're talkin' to us like you think we're a bunch of hicks.

But you're the real hick. You're totally out of touch

with what the American people want.

I get what's going on here.

Chubby is incredibly difficult to deal with.

Now, look. I feel-- Sit.

Let's go. We're out of here.

You know, I want to say one more thing before I leave,

and I'm sure you'll agree with me.

That was one fantastic meeting!

All we have to do is have lunch,

iron out a few details,

and we've got a smash movie!

Don't lose any weight, Melanie.

Good luck in Little League.

I think we've got him just where we want him.

Let me type up my notes.

Great taste. Howard.

Bobbie! How's the softball team?

We're still undefeated.

Boy, you still got the grip.

[ding dong]

Hi, Mrs. Conner?

I'm Bobbi Baras, president of the Home Movie Channel cable network.

Yeah, sit down.

Well, it looks like we got ourselves another one.

No, it is absolutely true.

Roseanne stole a gallon jar of mayonnaise from Rodbells.

She--

She claimed that she borrowed it.

Well, for that matter,

she also borrowed an 18-pound salami.

That must have been some sandwich.

Now, now wait.

I've got a better Roseanne story than that.

Well, I'm all ears.

Well, one time, Roseanne found this bag of marijuana,

and at first she thought that it belonged to David.

You see, he and Darlene were having sex,

so Roseanne let him live in the basement.

Anyway, it turned out not to be David's after all.

Remember, it was Roseanne?

Now, was that before or after

D.J. stole the car?

Oh, before. I think. Wasn't it?

Hey, with Roseanne, it's all just a blur.

Oh, I haven't had so much fun

since I opened for Jamie Farr at the Silver Slipper.

Well, I must be off,

but you have all been just delightful.

Thank you.

This story practically writes itself.

Could you tell us when it's going to come out?

Uh, trust me, you won't be able to miss it.

So I guess the bottom line is this.

We at HMC are very eager to do a movie about your life story.

Well, I didn't figure that you were here

to give us free cable.

Can you get us free cable?

Ms. Barrows, we've already had a meeting

with the president of ABX.

Yes, and, uh, he had an assistant

that came right up to his elbow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I go back a long way with Howard.

Let me guess. He told you he loves your story,

but he just wants to change a few things, is that right?

No fat people, no gay people.

He basically just wants to sanitize your entire life.

Am I right?

That's pretty much exactly what he said.

Of course he did.

And that's exactly why you gotta go with cable.

Now, we can't pay you the same kind of money

the network can pay you,

but what do you care? You got $108 million.

We can give you something that the network can't:

the chance to tell your story--

complete.

as it is, totally uncensored.

Well, that is what I want, you know.

I mean, if I decide to do it.

Well, I'm sure you're familiar

with some of our critically acclaimed shows:

our exposé on the white supremists in Montana.

our ten-part series on the life of Beethoven.

And all the naked movies on Friday night.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Drive-in Friday Nights!

Hey, are you guys really going to get Pamela Lee to host?

We're in talks with her, yes.

We can feature all different kinds of programming

because we're not slaves to the ratings.

The only thing we have to care about

is that our subscribers get their payments in on time.

Ms. Barrows, I'm a lawyer,

and even though I specialize in probate law--

Listen, if your client dies,

her family is still in for 100% of the action, okay?

Well, that answers all my questions.

So I could really have my story told uncensored?

Absolutely.

For example,

I understand that when you told your husband

the news about the lottery win,

you were wearing your bra.

Yes, she was.

She was. I was there.

Now you see, on our network,

you could be topless.

Or even totally nude if you wanted to be.

And instead of saying,

"Gee whiz, I won the lottery,"

you could say, "Well--

[various sound effects]

jackpot!"

Wow.

Where the hell did you grow up?

Oh, this is my son D.J.

D.J., this is Ms. Burrows.

Ms. Burrows, wow, I mean,

I'm familiar with your body of work.

Thanks, kid.

You know, I'm a filmmaker myself.

I have a reel here if you wouldn't mind taking a look at it.

I think I have a unique voice.

Yeah, I'll have one of my development execs take a look at it.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very so much.

Okay, good, good.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing!

Must be the haircut.

All right, so where was I? Let me see now.

Nudity, profanity, oh, yeah, gay people.

We love the fact that your daughter is gay.

Well, no, actually, it's our mother that's gay.

Yeah, well, that's fine,

but the daughter has got to be gay,

the pretty blond one.

Uh, well, my daughter is not gay.

Look, doll, there's got to be a reason here

why we're going on to cable, do you understand?

Picture this.

You get the news of the lottery win,

and there comes your daughter and Drew Barrymore

in the shower together--

Okay, that is enough.

Stop. That's enough!

Let me just shorthand this for you.

This is Biography meets Dream On

by way of The Red Shoe Diaries. Get it?

Yeah, I get it. I get it totally.

You're exactly like the network guy.

He wants to totally clean me up,

and you wanna totally sleaze me up.

Get out!

You know, you are a real [various sound effects].

But you've gotta admit,

this has been one fan-[cuckoo]-tastic meeting!

I'll be in touch, baby. Ciao.

It is gonna be really, really tough

to watch the Emmys this year.

[Frank Andrews] Trust me.

You won't be able to miss it.

[Roseanne] What the hell?

It must have been a slow week for two-headed goats!

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA