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1
00:00:01,963 --> 00:00:03,062
♪♪ [harmonica]
2
00:00:04,365 --> 00:00:05,899
I'm gonna have to
call you back.
3
00:00:05,901 --> 00:00:07,433
The subject
on the Ricki Lake Show
4
00:00:07,435 --> 00:00:09,301
is too fat to be
a drag queen.
5
00:00:09,303 --> 00:00:11,037
Mom! Mom! Mom!
6
00:00:11,039 --> 00:00:12,538
Gotta get channel 4.
7
00:00:12,540 --> 00:00:14,173
You're not gonna
believe this.
8
00:00:14,175 --> 00:00:15,607
Hollywood Tonight
has learned
9
00:00:15,609 --> 00:00:18,010
that all of Hollywood is in a feverish bidding war
10
00:00:18,012 --> 00:00:19,478
for the rights to the life story
11
00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:21,714
of Illinois lottery winner Roseanne Conner.
12
00:00:21,716 --> 00:00:23,416
That's you!
That's you!
13
00:00:23,418 --> 00:00:25,718
Oh, my God!
Turn that up!
14
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,053
[phone rings]
15
00:00:28,055 --> 00:00:29,721
Hello.
16
00:00:29,723 --> 00:00:32,057
Yeah, this is her.
17
00:00:32,059 --> 00:00:33,526
What?
18
00:00:33,528 --> 00:00:35,827
D.J., it's
some network guy
from Los Angeles--
19
00:00:35,829 --> 00:00:36,829
Howard Morton?
20
00:00:36,831 --> 00:00:38,395
Oh, even I've
heard of him!
21
00:00:38,397 --> 00:00:40,364
Wow! Uh...yeah.
22
00:00:40,366 --> 00:00:41,565
Yeah...
23
00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:43,535
Okay. Well, uh--
Oh.
24
00:00:43,537 --> 00:00:46,972
Could you hold on
a minute, Howard?
I've got another call.
25
00:00:46,974 --> 00:00:47,973
Hello.
26
00:00:47,975 --> 00:00:50,575
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
27
00:00:50,577 --> 00:00:52,243
You're from where?
28
00:00:52,245 --> 00:00:54,912
Oh. Well, isn't that
a cable station?
29
00:00:54,914 --> 00:00:56,013
Listen, could you
hold a minute?
30
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,682
I got a real network
on the other line.
31
00:00:59,419 --> 00:01:00,852
Yeah. Howard, hello.
32
00:01:02,088 --> 00:01:03,654
Um, no.
33
00:01:03,656 --> 00:01:05,857
I really don't
have any people
34
00:01:05,859 --> 00:01:07,959
that could call
your people.
35
00:01:07,961 --> 00:01:10,027
Uh, why don't you
just come here
36
00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,929
and talk to me
yourself?
37
00:01:11,931 --> 00:01:13,430
All right, then.
38
00:01:13,432 --> 00:01:15,066
Thank you.
[beep]
39
00:01:16,434 --> 00:01:18,002
[sighs] D.J...
40
00:01:19,471 --> 00:01:22,140
a star is born.
41
00:01:22,142 --> 00:01:26,811
♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪
42
00:01:26,813 --> 00:01:28,980
♪ We're gonna last longer ♪
43
00:01:28,982 --> 00:01:31,815
♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪
44
00:01:31,817 --> 00:01:34,985
♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪
45
00:01:34,987 --> 00:01:39,157
♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪
46
00:01:39,159 --> 00:01:41,324
♪ While waitin' for my turn ♪
47
00:01:41,326 --> 00:01:44,327
♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪
48
00:01:44,329 --> 00:01:47,497
♪ But you also get some sun ♪
49
00:01:47,499 --> 00:01:51,501
♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪
50
00:01:51,503 --> 00:01:54,336
♪ Hear what I say ♪
51
00:01:54,338 --> 00:01:58,942
♪ Yeah, any day ♪
52
00:02:03,782 --> 00:02:05,849
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
53
00:02:10,155 --> 00:02:13,889
I can't believe
the department store
delivered all these clothes!
54
00:02:13,891 --> 00:02:16,792
Yes, along
with my own
clothes boy.
55
00:02:18,663 --> 00:02:20,263
God, I wonder
what I'm gonna wear
56
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:22,765
to try to impress
this network guy.
57
00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:25,100
Well, this
looks very fetching.
58
00:02:25,102 --> 00:02:26,369
Oh, that
is divine.
59
00:02:26,371 --> 00:02:27,803
Now, see, that
is something
60
00:02:27,805 --> 00:02:29,137
that you should
maybe wear
61
00:02:29,139 --> 00:02:30,940
when you have
your picture
in TV Guide.
62
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,608
Hey, hey, I'm goin'
for the cover.
63
00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:35,912
I need somethin'
a little more bold.
64
00:02:35,914 --> 00:02:37,680
Perhaps...this.
65
00:02:37,682 --> 00:02:39,281
Oh, that's great!
66
00:02:39,283 --> 00:02:41,516
Now, you know
who you'd look like.
67
00:02:41,518 --> 00:02:44,419
That-- That, uh,
Anna Nicole Smith.
68
00:02:46,023 --> 00:02:47,489
That's who
should play me.
69
00:02:47,491 --> 00:02:49,024
See?
70
00:02:49,026 --> 00:02:50,725
She's seen
her share of pain,
71
00:02:50,727 --> 00:02:52,194
and yet
she's still
beautiful.
72
00:02:52,196 --> 00:02:54,529
And smart enough
to hook herself up
73
00:02:54,531 --> 00:02:58,633
with some old coot
that's got both feet
in the grave.
74
00:02:58,635 --> 00:03:00,868
Now, what about--
Gently, gently.
75
00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:03,871
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm payin' for it.
76
00:03:03,873 --> 00:03:06,174
I just, uh...
77
00:03:06,176 --> 00:03:07,543
can't decide.
78
00:03:07,545 --> 00:03:09,010
I think I'm partial
to this one.
79
00:03:09,012 --> 00:03:12,381
Oh! I just decided
who should play me.
80
00:03:12,383 --> 00:03:13,482
Jaclyn Smith.
81
00:03:15,552 --> 00:03:17,619
She the queen
of the M.O.W.s.
82
00:03:19,055 --> 00:03:21,923
I don't know.
I just cannot decide.
83
00:03:21,925 --> 00:03:24,325
Shall I have
another truckload
brought over?
84
00:03:26,730 --> 00:03:29,363
Hey, hey, hey.
Look who's
slackin' now.
85
00:03:29,365 --> 00:03:32,333
Hey, this is
my meeting, not yours.
86
00:03:32,335 --> 00:03:34,735
Just relax. I just
want to meet him.
87
00:03:34,737 --> 00:03:37,104
Although TV isn't
my medium of choice,
88
00:03:37,106 --> 00:03:39,073
doesn't hurt to make
a few future connections.
89
00:03:41,410 --> 00:03:42,810
Hello, hello.
90
00:03:42,812 --> 00:03:45,713
I trust I'm now
entering Hollywood East.
91
00:03:45,715 --> 00:03:47,715
Oh, Scott,
you look great.
92
00:03:47,717 --> 00:03:49,383
You look
just like a lawyer.
93
00:03:49,385 --> 00:03:50,917
Well, I am a lawyer.
94
00:03:50,919 --> 00:03:54,087
Ohh! These dresses
are fabulous!
95
00:03:56,759 --> 00:03:58,525
Is this what
you're gonna
be wearing?
96
00:03:59,795 --> 00:04:02,295
You know, you
are so...good!
97
00:04:02,297 --> 00:04:03,497
I just can't believe it.
98
00:04:03,499 --> 00:04:05,165
Where else
would I find a guy
99
00:04:05,167 --> 00:04:06,934
who could pick out
the perfect dress
100
00:04:06,936 --> 00:04:10,137
and close a great big
Hollywood movie deal?
101
00:04:10,139 --> 00:04:12,372
Oh, I don't know,
Universal, Warner Bros.,
102
00:04:12,374 --> 00:04:13,874
Paramount, Disney.
103
00:04:17,613 --> 00:04:19,646
Bevy, you must
be so excited
104
00:04:19,648 --> 00:04:21,547
about Roseanne's
meeting today.
105
00:04:21,549 --> 00:04:24,651
I'd be a lot more
excited if I was
allowed to be there.
106
00:04:24,653 --> 00:04:27,320
Ooh, to be
a fly on the wall.
107
00:04:27,322 --> 00:04:28,387
Don't you worry,
now, Bev.
108
00:04:28,389 --> 00:04:29,655
I'm sure that Scott
will have
109
00:04:29,657 --> 00:04:31,924
all the gory details
for us.
110
00:04:31,926 --> 00:04:34,860
I know, but it
is so infuriating.
111
00:04:34,862 --> 00:04:37,130
She treats me
like a child!
112
00:04:37,132 --> 00:04:39,298
[doorbell chimes]
113
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,434
[sighs] I mean,
it's not like
114
00:04:41,436 --> 00:04:43,436
I would just blurt out
115
00:04:43,438 --> 00:04:44,837
that I was a lesbian
116
00:04:44,839 --> 00:04:47,072
in front of
a complete stranger!
117
00:04:51,312 --> 00:04:52,778
Can I help you?
118
00:04:52,780 --> 00:04:56,282
I'm looking for
Ms. Beverly Harris.
119
00:04:56,284 --> 00:04:57,283
That's me.
120
00:04:57,285 --> 00:04:59,885
Oh. Uh, my name
is Frank Andrews.
121
00:04:59,887 --> 00:05:01,487
I'm a journalist,
and I was hoping
122
00:05:01,489 --> 00:05:02,722
to get an interview
with you.
123
00:05:02,724 --> 00:05:03,722
Really?
124
00:05:03,724 --> 00:05:05,857
Yes. The mother
of the woman
125
00:05:05,859 --> 00:05:07,726
who won the lottery?
Oh.
126
00:05:07,728 --> 00:05:09,995
I think it's
a very compelling story.
127
00:05:09,997 --> 00:05:13,198
Bevy, where
are your manners?
128
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,334
Why don't you invite
the nice man in?
129
00:05:16,336 --> 00:05:17,335
Hello.
130
00:05:17,337 --> 00:05:18,336
Hello.
131
00:05:18,338 --> 00:05:19,471
Hi. Leon Carp.
132
00:05:19,473 --> 00:05:21,472
And it's spelled
just like the fish.
133
00:05:21,474 --> 00:05:23,008
Ah.
134
00:05:23,010 --> 00:05:24,643
And I'm Joyce.
135
00:05:24,645 --> 00:05:28,013
L-e-v-i-n-e.
136
00:05:28,015 --> 00:05:29,014
"Leveen."
137
00:05:29,016 --> 00:05:29,948
Le-vine.
138
00:05:31,851 --> 00:05:34,286
So, uh, what paper
do you write for?
139
00:05:34,288 --> 00:05:37,622
Oh, uh, I'm, uh,
freelance, actually,
140
00:05:37,624 --> 00:05:40,057
but I've done stories
for all the big
publications.
141
00:05:40,059 --> 00:05:41,759
You know,
Atlantic Monthly,
142
00:05:41,761 --> 00:05:42,693
The New Yorker.
143
00:05:43,763 --> 00:05:44,762
People.
144
00:05:44,764 --> 00:05:46,697
Ohh!
Ah.
145
00:05:46,699 --> 00:05:48,532
Well!
146
00:05:48,534 --> 00:05:50,635
In that case,
why don't you
147
00:05:50,637 --> 00:05:53,305
just sit right down
here by me, darling?
148
00:05:53,307 --> 00:05:56,574
And I will tell you
all about Bevy.
149
00:05:56,576 --> 00:05:59,009
Well, now, Joyce,
I have known her
a lot longer.
150
00:05:59,011 --> 00:06:01,812
Oh, but I know her
a lot better.
151
00:06:01,814 --> 00:06:03,146
[Joyce laughs]
152
00:06:04,816 --> 00:06:06,983
I, uh, want to hear
from all of you,
153
00:06:06,985 --> 00:06:09,285
but I think
I'll start with Bev.
154
00:06:10,723 --> 00:06:13,456
Oh, my. Where
shall we start?
155
00:06:13,458 --> 00:06:14,925
Yeah,
there are so many.
156
00:06:14,927 --> 00:06:17,294
I-- I hope you have
more paper in the car.
157
00:06:17,296 --> 00:06:18,228
Ha ha!
158
00:06:22,734 --> 00:06:25,368
Boy, I'm gonna
charm the pants
off of these people.
159
00:06:25,370 --> 00:06:27,171
This is a slam dunk.
[ding dong]
160
00:06:28,573 --> 00:06:31,908
Wow! What a remarkable
piece of sculpture.
161
00:06:31,910 --> 00:06:33,277
Such a brash statement
162
00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:35,912
about the inevitable
failure of technology.
163
00:06:35,914 --> 00:06:37,880
No, sir. That's
a Buick on blocks.
164
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,252
Guess who.
165
00:06:43,254 --> 00:06:45,688
Howard Morton,
president of ABX.
166
00:06:45,690 --> 00:06:47,724
And this
is my associate,
Bill Morris.
167
00:06:47,726 --> 00:06:48,792
Hello.
168
00:06:48,794 --> 00:06:50,960
This is unbelievable.
169
00:06:50,962 --> 00:06:53,763
I've read your story
over 15 times,
170
00:06:53,765 --> 00:06:56,833
and every time I read it,
I said, "What does
Rosie look like?"
171
00:06:56,835 --> 00:06:59,269
And this is
what I imagined.
No. No. I'm Rosie.
172
00:06:59,271 --> 00:07:01,704
I know. I was just
talking to your brother.
173
00:07:02,939 --> 00:07:04,440
Look what I have for you.
174
00:07:04,442 --> 00:07:06,509
ABX hats and T-shirts.
175
00:07:06,511 --> 00:07:08,178
And they're free.
176
00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:10,779
In other words,
they're not gonna
come out of the budget
177
00:07:10,781 --> 00:07:11,980
of this project.
Howard Morton.
178
00:07:11,982 --> 00:07:14,115
Nice to meet
you, sir.
179
00:07:14,117 --> 00:07:15,216
Ah.
Sit down.
180
00:07:15,218 --> 00:07:17,886
We at ABX
are so excited
181
00:07:17,888 --> 00:07:19,053
about your movie
of the week.
182
00:07:19,055 --> 00:07:21,223
And if it works,
a guaranteed
series.
183
00:07:21,225 --> 00:07:23,958
Well, hold on.
My client hasn't
said yes yet.
184
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,961
Huh. Yeah, Scott here
is, uh, well, he's
kind of my lawyer,
185
00:07:26,963 --> 00:07:28,163
for now, anyway.
186
00:07:28,165 --> 00:07:29,230
Well. I didn't know
187
00:07:29,232 --> 00:07:30,465
they had
entertainment lawyers
188
00:07:30,467 --> 00:07:31,466
here in, uh...
189
00:07:31,468 --> 00:07:32,868
Lanford.
190
00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:36,504
Actually,
uh, my field
is probate law.
191
00:07:36,506 --> 00:07:38,006
Now, I am
particularly
concerned
192
00:07:38,008 --> 00:07:39,241
what is gonna happen
193
00:07:39,243 --> 00:07:41,243
to my client's interest
in this project
194
00:07:41,245 --> 00:07:43,412
after she's dead.
195
00:07:45,015 --> 00:07:47,648
Gee, Scott,
I-- I don't think
after I'm dead
196
00:07:47,650 --> 00:07:49,851
that I'm really
gonna be interested
in much of anything.
Yeah.
197
00:07:49,853 --> 00:07:52,354
Look, let me make it
clear to you
what's going on.
198
00:07:52,356 --> 00:07:54,256
First of all,
isn't your husband
involved in this?
199
00:07:54,258 --> 00:07:56,156
Yeah. Uh, Dan?
200
00:07:56,158 --> 00:07:58,693
[burp] Ohh...
201
00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:01,496
He shouldn'ta
drank those milk shakes.
202
00:08:01,498 --> 00:08:03,698
[sighs] Well, I--
I think maybe
203
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:05,933
we're gonna have to
excuse my husband.
204
00:08:05,935 --> 00:08:09,503
Um, he just found out
he's lactose-intolerant.
205
00:08:09,505 --> 00:08:10,570
[groaning]
206
00:08:10,572 --> 00:08:12,907
[gurgles]
Oh, God!
207
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,575
Look, I feel that my client--
208
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,811
Let me tell you
a little bit
about myself. Okay?
209
00:08:16,813 --> 00:08:19,613
First of all,
television
is in my blood
210
00:08:19,615 --> 00:08:21,348
from the ground up.
211
00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:23,350
I graduated
from Harvard.
212
00:08:23,352 --> 00:08:26,053
I got a Master's
at Yale in drama.
213
00:08:26,055 --> 00:08:28,322
I went
to Carnegie Mellon
and got a PhD.
214
00:08:28,324 --> 00:08:30,557
And how did you get
involved with this network?
215
00:08:30,559 --> 00:08:32,559
A friend of my dad's
got me the job.
216
00:08:32,561 --> 00:08:34,194
Ah. Huh.
217
00:08:34,196 --> 00:08:35,862
Well, that's
all very interesting,
218
00:08:35,864 --> 00:08:38,366
but what we really
want to hear about
is this movie.
219
00:08:38,368 --> 00:08:40,800
Oh. Gimme
that chart.
Hi.
220
00:08:40,802 --> 00:08:42,436
Oh, this
is my son D.J.
221
00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:44,505
D.J., this is, uh,
Mr. Howard Morton.
222
00:08:44,507 --> 00:08:46,239
Mr. Morton, it's
so nice to meet you.
223
00:08:46,241 --> 00:08:47,941
I'm familiar
with your body
of work.
224
00:08:47,943 --> 00:08:49,309
Oh, thanks, B.J.
225
00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:51,076
It's D.J.
226
00:08:51,078 --> 00:08:53,245
I'm a filmmaker
myself. I mean,
I have a reel here,
227
00:08:53,247 --> 00:08:55,315
if you wouldn't mind
taking a look at it.
228
00:08:55,317 --> 00:08:57,216
And I think I have
a unique voice.
229
00:08:57,218 --> 00:08:58,851
Yeah, you do have
a unique voice.
230
00:08:58,853 --> 00:09:01,721
I'll show this
to the executives,
see what they think.
231
00:09:01,723 --> 00:09:03,656
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very so much.
232
00:09:06,561 --> 00:09:07,893
What's wrong with him?
233
00:09:09,063 --> 00:09:10,729
Nothing.
234
00:09:10,731 --> 00:09:12,565
Must be the haircut.
235
00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:15,502
Yes. Anyway, you
were about to tell us
about the movie.
236
00:09:15,504 --> 00:09:17,436
Normally, I don't
get involved
with this garbage,
237
00:09:17,438 --> 00:09:20,238
but this is
a fascinating story.
238
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,240
Your profile
was extremely long,
239
00:09:22,242 --> 00:09:23,909
vis-à-vis
urban focus groups.
240
00:09:23,911 --> 00:09:27,245
But your Q rating
outside the major
metropolitan areas,
241
00:09:27,247 --> 00:09:31,283
especially among states
with high levels
of lottery participation,
242
00:09:31,285 --> 00:09:34,754
was significant enough
for us to think
the right time slot
243
00:09:34,756 --> 00:09:36,655
could yield
excellent demographics,
244
00:09:36,657 --> 00:09:40,326
a strong rating,
and a very good
audience share.
245
00:09:40,328 --> 00:09:42,528
You're the lawyer.
What did he say?
246
00:09:42,530 --> 00:09:45,931
Well, I think
I recognized
the word lottery.
247
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:48,434
Oh, my God,
I'm screwed.
248
00:09:48,436 --> 00:09:49,668
Don't worry, Roseanne.
249
00:09:49,670 --> 00:09:52,338
He's slick,
but I can handle him.
250
00:09:52,340 --> 00:09:54,172
Mr. Morton,
if you don't mind,
251
00:09:54,174 --> 00:09:55,441
let's return
for a moment
252
00:09:55,443 --> 00:09:57,975
to the time
of my client's death.
Scott.
253
00:09:59,846 --> 00:10:02,414
Um, could you just
speak regular English
to us?
254
00:10:02,416 --> 00:10:04,583
I'm sure you must've
picked that up at Yale
255
00:10:04,585 --> 00:10:06,485
or Harvard or
the Melonball school.
256
00:10:07,588 --> 00:10:09,387
I'm gonna talk
slower and louder.
257
00:10:09,389 --> 00:10:10,321
Okay?
258
00:10:11,391 --> 00:10:13,625
You're blue collar.
259
00:10:13,627 --> 00:10:16,327
Middle America
is blue collar.
260
00:10:16,329 --> 00:10:19,864
Americans want
to see themselves
on television.
261
00:10:19,866 --> 00:10:20,932
Got it?
262
00:10:20,934 --> 00:10:22,033
Yes. Got it.
263
00:10:22,035 --> 00:10:23,935
Who would you like
to see play Rosie?
264
00:10:23,937 --> 00:10:26,204
I got a surprise
for you.
265
00:10:26,206 --> 00:10:28,138
What if I said
Melanie Griffith?
266
00:10:28,140 --> 00:10:29,574
Melanie Griffith?
267
00:10:29,576 --> 00:10:30,775
I knew you were
gonna say that.
268
00:10:30,777 --> 00:10:32,276
You don't think
we can get her.
269
00:10:32,278 --> 00:10:34,511
I've already
sent her the story,
and she loves it.
270
00:10:34,513 --> 00:10:36,146
And her husband
loves it.
271
00:10:36,148 --> 00:10:38,683
Can you believe that?
The cover of TV Guide--
272
00:10:38,685 --> 00:10:42,719
Rosie, starring
Melanie Griffith
and Don Johnson?
273
00:10:42,721 --> 00:10:45,423
She's not even married
to Don Johnson anymore.
274
00:10:46,493 --> 00:10:47,558
Oh, that's right.
275
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:49,627
Antonio Bonaduce.
Yeah, that means
276
00:10:49,629 --> 00:10:51,161
we'll get
the Partridge Family
following.
277
00:10:51,163 --> 00:10:52,630
This is
a guaranteed hit.
278
00:10:52,632 --> 00:10:54,431
Okay, you've gotta
be kidding me, right,
279
00:10:54,433 --> 00:10:56,834
because...
Melanie Griffith
280
00:10:56,836 --> 00:10:58,535
looks nothing
like me.
281
00:10:58,537 --> 00:11:02,004
Roxie, we can't
have fat people on TV.
282
00:11:03,308 --> 00:11:04,807
What about Rosie?
283
00:11:04,810 --> 00:11:06,209
Who?
Rosey Grier.
284
00:11:06,211 --> 00:11:09,179
Not Rosey Grier!
That's the one
O.J confessed to!
285
00:11:09,181 --> 00:11:11,014
Rosie O'Donnell.
286
00:11:11,016 --> 00:11:12,015
Who's he?
287
00:11:12,017 --> 00:11:13,049
Daytime.
288
00:11:13,051 --> 00:11:14,985
Oh, fat works
in daytime.
289
00:11:14,987 --> 00:11:16,420
It doesn't work
in prime time.
290
00:11:16,422 --> 00:11:17,887
And why is that?
291
00:11:17,889 --> 00:11:19,189
Because.
292
00:11:19,191 --> 00:11:20,557
Because why?
293
00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:23,526
Just because,
that's why.
294
00:11:25,396 --> 00:11:27,764
Okay, this really
doesn't make
any sense at all.
295
00:11:27,766 --> 00:11:28,999
Just a minute ago,
you were sayin'
296
00:11:29,001 --> 00:11:30,365
that the American
people want to see
297
00:11:30,367 --> 00:11:32,669
a reflection
of themselves on TV.
[phone rings]
298
00:11:32,671 --> 00:11:35,705
Look, Roseanne,
I don't want the fat
to come between us.
299
00:11:37,508 --> 00:11:39,541
We'll compromise.
300
00:11:39,543 --> 00:11:40,776
Oprah.
301
00:11:40,778 --> 00:11:42,111
Oprah's black.
302
00:11:42,113 --> 00:11:44,446
Don't you see
why that's brilliant?
303
00:11:44,448 --> 00:11:47,316
If it doesn't work
on our network,
we can sell it to Fox!
304
00:11:49,887 --> 00:11:53,122
Well...Oprah lost
all her weight.
305
00:11:53,124 --> 00:11:54,690
Do you have a dog?
306
00:11:54,692 --> 00:11:57,826
No. That smell's
from the old carpet.
307
00:11:57,828 --> 00:12:01,062
Boss. We got a girl
stuck in a well in Idaho.
308
00:12:01,064 --> 00:12:02,897
Get the rights to it.
We might want
309
00:12:02,899 --> 00:12:04,300
to animate it
for Saturday morning.
310
00:12:04,302 --> 00:12:05,567
Now listen to me.
311
00:12:07,136 --> 00:12:09,471
What we do
on our network that
no other network does
312
00:12:09,473 --> 00:12:11,071
is we put humor
into everything
313
00:12:11,073 --> 00:12:12,941
so the whole
family can watch.
314
00:12:12,943 --> 00:12:14,275
I'll give you
an example.
315
00:12:14,277 --> 00:12:17,245
A guy is married
for 30 years.
All right?
316
00:12:17,247 --> 00:12:19,380
True to his wife,
he's at the Christmas
party...
317
00:12:21,752 --> 00:12:23,417
...and there's his wife
brushing her teeth.
318
00:12:23,419 --> 00:12:24,852
He said, "Honey,
what's going on?"
319
00:12:24,854 --> 00:12:26,821
She said, "Quiet.
You'll wake my mother."
320
00:12:28,058 --> 00:12:31,292
Well, my God!
That's horribly
offensive.
321
00:12:31,294 --> 00:12:33,560
Of course it is.
It's cable crap.
322
00:12:33,562 --> 00:12:35,396
We don't do that
on ABX.
323
00:12:35,398 --> 00:12:36,764
That's what I'm
trying to tell you.
324
00:12:36,766 --> 00:12:38,332
You've gotta do
your story with us.
325
00:12:38,334 --> 00:12:41,169
Well, but you're
not even talkin'
about my story anymore.
326
00:12:41,171 --> 00:12:42,770
Uh, you guys said
you wanted to do
327
00:12:42,772 --> 00:12:44,805
a real story
about my family.
328
00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:47,841
Roseanne,
the base characters
are your family.
329
00:12:47,843 --> 00:12:49,577
But we have to
make them attractive.
330
00:12:49,579 --> 00:12:50,944
Nobody
in their right mind
331
00:12:50,946 --> 00:12:53,180
is gonna want
to look at you.
332
00:12:53,182 --> 00:12:54,615
Uh...
333
00:12:54,617 --> 00:12:56,116
Mr. Morton,
may I point out
334
00:12:56,118 --> 00:12:58,752
that any waiver
of legatee
obligation
335
00:12:58,754 --> 00:13:01,421
without prima facie
evidence of, uh,
336
00:13:01,423 --> 00:13:02,990
equalized
participation
337
00:13:02,992 --> 00:13:06,226
would constitute
a...nunc pro tunc
agreement.
338
00:13:06,228 --> 00:13:08,461
Yeah. Exactly!
339
00:13:08,463 --> 00:13:09,663
What did you say?
340
00:13:09,665 --> 00:13:11,899
I'm not sure.
I just want
to let him know
341
00:13:11,901 --> 00:13:13,366
we can be
confusing, too.
342
00:13:14,603 --> 00:13:16,470
Let me simplify.
343
00:13:16,472 --> 00:13:19,372
It's Friends meets
Party of Five
344
00:13:19,374 --> 00:13:22,108
meets Savannah. Bingo.
345
00:13:22,110 --> 00:13:25,078
So you're sayin'
that it'll be about
a bunch of bulimics
346
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,381
and two shows
that nobody watches.
347
00:13:27,383 --> 00:13:31,385
Look, I have
been doing this
for a long time.
348
00:13:31,387 --> 00:13:32,853
Over a year
and a half.
349
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:35,522
And I know what
the American public
wants to see.
350
00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:38,124
Well, I really don't
think you do, Howard.
351
00:13:38,126 --> 00:13:40,860
You're talkin' to us
like you think we're
a bunch of hicks.
352
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:43,229
But you're the real hick.
You're totally out of touch
353
00:13:43,231 --> 00:13:45,131
with what the American
people want.
354
00:13:45,133 --> 00:13:47,066
I get what's
going on here.
355
00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:49,902
Chubby is
incredibly difficult
to deal with.
356
00:13:49,904 --> 00:13:52,204
Now, look.
I feel--
Sit.
357
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,773
Let's go.
We're out of here.
358
00:13:56,477 --> 00:13:59,010
You know, I want to say
one more thing
before I leave,
359
00:13:59,012 --> 00:14:00,546
and I'm sure
you'll agree with me.
360
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:03,315
That was one
fantastic meeting!
361
00:14:03,317 --> 00:14:05,150
All we have to do
is have lunch,
362
00:14:05,152 --> 00:14:06,452
iron out
a few details,
363
00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:08,186
and we've got
a smash movie!
364
00:14:08,188 --> 00:14:09,989
Don't lose
any weight,
Melanie.
365
00:14:09,991 --> 00:14:11,456
Good luck
in Little League.
366
00:14:13,528 --> 00:14:15,359
I think we've got him
just where we want him.
367
00:14:15,361 --> 00:14:17,295
Let me type up
my notes.
368
00:14:18,565 --> 00:14:20,566
Great taste.
Howard.
369
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:23,468
Bobbie! How's
the softball team?
370
00:14:23,470 --> 00:14:24,936
We're still undefeated.
371
00:14:24,938 --> 00:14:27,038
Boy, you still
got the grip.
372
00:14:29,208 --> 00:14:30,442
[ding dong]
373
00:14:32,846 --> 00:14:34,746
Hi, Mrs. Conner?
374
00:14:34,748 --> 00:14:39,150
I'm Bobbi Baras, president
of the Home Movie Channel
cable network.
375
00:14:39,152 --> 00:14:41,419
Yeah, sit down.
376
00:14:41,421 --> 00:14:44,388
Well, it looks like we got
ourselves another one.
377
00:14:49,729 --> 00:14:51,396
No, it is
absolutely true.
378
00:14:51,398 --> 00:14:57,301
Roseanne stole a gallon jar
of mayonnaise from Rodbells.
379
00:14:57,303 --> 00:14:58,602
She--
380
00:14:58,604 --> 00:15:01,673
She claimed
that she borrowed it.
381
00:15:01,675 --> 00:15:02,807
Well, for that matter,
382
00:15:02,809 --> 00:15:06,376
she also borrowed
an 18-pound salami.
383
00:15:07,881 --> 00:15:10,881
That must have been
some sandwich.
384
00:15:12,117 --> 00:15:13,383
Now, now wait.
385
00:15:13,385 --> 00:15:15,119
I've got a better
Roseanne story than that.
386
00:15:15,121 --> 00:15:17,154
Well, I'm all ears.
387
00:15:17,156 --> 00:15:22,926
Well, one time, Roseanne
found this bag of marijuana,
388
00:15:22,928 --> 00:15:26,764
and at first she thought
that it belonged to David.
389
00:15:26,766 --> 00:15:29,399
You see, he and Darlene
were having sex,
390
00:15:29,401 --> 00:15:31,768
so Roseanne let him
live in the basement.
391
00:15:34,039 --> 00:15:36,873
Anyway, it turned out
not to be David's after all.
392
00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:38,408
Remember,
it was Roseanne?
393
00:15:41,781 --> 00:15:45,015
Now, was that before
or after
394
00:15:45,017 --> 00:15:47,216
D.J. stole the car?
395
00:15:47,218 --> 00:15:50,520
Oh, before. I think.
Wasn't it?
396
00:15:50,522 --> 00:15:53,356
Hey, with Roseanne,
it's all just a blur.
397
00:15:54,759 --> 00:15:56,993
Oh, I haven't
had so much fun
398
00:15:56,995 --> 00:15:59,929
since I opened for Jamie Farr
at the Silver Slipper.
399
00:15:59,931 --> 00:16:02,165
Well, I must be off,
400
00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:04,500
but you have all
been just delightful.
401
00:16:04,502 --> 00:16:06,001
Thank you.
402
00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:09,439
This story practically
writes itself.
403
00:16:09,441 --> 00:16:13,310
Could you tell us when
it's going to come out?
404
00:16:13,312 --> 00:16:17,379
Uh, trust me, you won't
be able to miss it.
405
00:16:22,653 --> 00:16:24,654
So I guess the
bottom line is this.
406
00:16:24,656 --> 00:16:28,390
We at HMC are very eager to do
a movie about your life story.
407
00:16:28,392 --> 00:16:31,894
Well, I didn't figure
that you were here
408
00:16:31,896 --> 00:16:33,595
to give us free cable.
409
00:16:35,966 --> 00:16:37,432
Can you get us free cable?
410
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:42,270
Ms. Barrows, we've
already had a meeting
411
00:16:42,272 --> 00:16:43,772
with the president
of ABX.
412
00:16:43,774 --> 00:16:45,907
Yes, and, uh,
he had an assistant
413
00:16:45,909 --> 00:16:48,977
that came right up
to his elbow.
414
00:16:48,979 --> 00:16:51,179
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
415
00:16:51,181 --> 00:16:54,182
I go back a long way
with Howard.
416
00:16:54,184 --> 00:16:57,118
Let me guess. He told you
he loves your story,
417
00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:02,323
but he just wants to change
a few things, is that right?
418
00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:05,627
No fat people,
no gay people.
419
00:17:05,629 --> 00:17:08,395
He basically just wants to
sanitize your entire life.
420
00:17:08,397 --> 00:17:09,497
Am I right?
421
00:17:09,499 --> 00:17:12,533
That's pretty much
exactly what he said.
422
00:17:12,535 --> 00:17:14,668
Of course he did.
423
00:17:14,670 --> 00:17:17,138
And that's exactly why
you gotta go with cable.
424
00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:20,208
Now, we can't pay you
the same kind of money
425
00:17:20,210 --> 00:17:21,642
the network can pay you,
426
00:17:21,644 --> 00:17:26,314
but what do you care?
You got $108 million.
427
00:17:26,316 --> 00:17:29,383
We can give you something
that the network can't:
428
00:17:29,385 --> 00:17:31,719
the chance to tell
your story--
429
00:17:31,721 --> 00:17:32,820
complete.
430
00:17:32,822 --> 00:17:35,356
as it is,
totally uncensored.
431
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:37,524
Well, that is
what I want, you know.
432
00:17:37,526 --> 00:17:39,593
I mean,
if I decide to do it.
433
00:17:39,595 --> 00:17:41,562
Well, I'm sure you're familiar
434
00:17:41,564 --> 00:17:45,131
with some of our
critically acclaimed shows:
435
00:17:45,133 --> 00:17:49,302
our exposé on the white
supremists in Montana.
436
00:17:49,304 --> 00:17:54,107
our ten-part series
on the life of Beethoven.
437
00:17:54,109 --> 00:17:57,143
And all the naked movies
on Friday night.
438
00:17:57,145 --> 00:18:00,279
Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
439
00:18:00,281 --> 00:18:02,781
Drive-in Friday Nights!
440
00:18:02,783 --> 00:18:05,819
Hey, are you guys really going
to get Pamela Lee to host?
441
00:18:05,821 --> 00:18:07,553
We're in talks with her, yes.
442
00:18:09,157 --> 00:18:12,458
We can feature all different
kinds of programming
443
00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:14,560
because we're not
slaves to the ratings.
444
00:18:14,562 --> 00:18:16,495
The only thing
we have to care about
445
00:18:16,497 --> 00:18:20,633
is that our subscribers get
their payments in on time.
446
00:18:20,635 --> 00:18:22,635
Ms. Barrows,
I'm a lawyer,
447
00:18:22,637 --> 00:18:25,972
and even though
I specialize
in probate law--
448
00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:27,440
Listen, if your client dies,
449
00:18:27,442 --> 00:18:30,276
her family is still in
for 100% of the action, okay?
450
00:18:30,278 --> 00:18:34,146
Well, that answers
all my questions.
451
00:18:39,854 --> 00:18:43,722
So I could really have
my story told uncensored?
452
00:18:43,724 --> 00:18:45,257
Absolutely.
453
00:18:45,259 --> 00:18:46,458
For example,
454
00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:48,394
I understand that when you
told your husband
455
00:18:48,396 --> 00:18:50,262
the news
about the lottery win,
456
00:18:50,264 --> 00:18:51,964
you were wearing your bra.
457
00:18:51,966 --> 00:18:53,598
Yes, she was.
458
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,834
She was. I was there.
459
00:18:55,836 --> 00:18:57,636
Now you see,
on our network,
460
00:18:57,638 --> 00:18:58,936
you could be topless.
461
00:19:01,476 --> 00:19:04,408
Or even totally nude
if you wanted to be.
462
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:08,713
And instead of saying,
463
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:11,449
"Gee whiz,
I won the lottery,"
464
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:12,717
you could say, "Well--
465
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:15,253
[various sound effects]
466
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:16,620
jackpot!"
467
00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:26,496
Wow.
468
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:29,534
Where the hell
did you grow up?
469
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,371
Oh, this is my son D.J.
470
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,705
D.J.,
this is Ms. Burrows.
471
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:37,041
Ms. Burrows,
wow, I mean,
472
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:38,409
I'm familiar with your
body of work.
473
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:39,777
Thanks, kid.
474
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,211
You know, I'm
a filmmaker myself.
475
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:43,580
I have a reel here
if you wouldn't mind
taking a look at it.
476
00:19:43,582 --> 00:19:45,082
I think I have
a unique voice.
477
00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:48,085
Yeah, I'll have
one of my development
execs take a look at it.
478
00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:49,086
Thank you, thank you.
479
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:50,087
Thank you very so much.
480
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:52,723
Okay, good, good.
481
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:55,225
What's wrong with him?
482
00:19:57,562 --> 00:19:58,728
Nothing!
483
00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:01,198
Must be the haircut.
484
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:04,868
All right, so where was I?
Let me see now.
485
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:08,005
Nudity, profanity,
oh, yeah, gay people.
486
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,440
We love the fact that
your daughter is gay.
487
00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:13,210
Well, no, actually,
it's our mother
that's gay.
488
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,944
Yeah, well, that's fine,
489
00:20:14,946 --> 00:20:17,013
but the daughter
has got to be gay,
490
00:20:17,015 --> 00:20:18,848
the pretty blond one.
491
00:20:23,621 --> 00:20:25,921
Uh, well, my daughter
is not gay.
492
00:20:25,923 --> 00:20:29,892
Look, doll, there's got
to be a reason here
493
00:20:29,894 --> 00:20:33,196
why we're going on to cable,
do you understand?
494
00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:35,364
Picture this.
495
00:20:35,366 --> 00:20:37,734
You get the news
of the lottery win,
496
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:40,569
and there comes your daughter
and Drew Barrymore
497
00:20:40,571 --> 00:20:42,172
in the shower together--
498
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:44,706
Okay, that is enough.
499
00:20:44,708 --> 00:20:46,408
Stop. That's enough!
500
00:20:46,410 --> 00:20:48,543
Let me just shorthand
this for you.
501
00:20:48,545 --> 00:20:52,081
This is Biography
meets Dream On
502
00:20:52,083 --> 00:20:54,917
by way of The Red Shoe Diaries. Get it?
503
00:20:54,919 --> 00:20:57,920
Yeah, I get it.
I get it totally.
504
00:20:57,922 --> 00:20:59,554
You're exactly like
the network guy.
505
00:20:59,556 --> 00:21:01,223
He wants to totally
clean me up,
506
00:21:01,225 --> 00:21:03,091
and you wanna
totally sleaze me up.
507
00:21:03,093 --> 00:21:04,493
Get out!
508
00:21:04,495 --> 00:21:09,064
You know, you are a real
[various sound effects].
509
00:21:15,538 --> 00:21:17,005
But you've gotta admit,
510
00:21:17,007 --> 00:21:20,309
this has been one
fan-[cuckoo]-tastic
meeting!
511
00:21:21,477 --> 00:21:23,645
I'll be in touch, baby. Ciao.
512
00:21:31,188 --> 00:21:34,555
It is gonna be
really, really tough
513
00:21:34,557 --> 00:21:35,923
to watch
the Emmys this year.
514
00:21:39,529 --> 00:21:41,195
[Frank Andrews] Trust me.
515
00:21:41,197 --> 00:21:43,096
You won't be able to miss it.
516
00:21:48,471 --> 00:21:50,070
[Roseanne] What the hell?
517
00:21:50,072 --> 00:21:53,140
It must have been a slow week for two-headed goats!
518
00:22:12,094 --> 00:22:15,062
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
45648
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