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1
00:00:06,631 --> 00:00:08,731
Roseanne,
you look different.
2
00:00:08,733 --> 00:00:11,100
I mean, good different.
Did you cut your hair?
3
00:00:11,102 --> 00:00:14,403
No, I washed it.
4
00:00:14,405 --> 00:00:16,805
After a week in the hospital
like that, my hair developed
5
00:00:16,807 --> 00:00:19,440
a permanent ledge
in the back there.
6
00:00:19,442 --> 00:00:22,110
I got the cutest present
for Darlene's baby.
7
00:00:22,112 --> 00:00:24,812
You know how a new outfit
always makes a girl feel better.
8
00:00:24,814 --> 00:00:27,515
Oh, it's so cute!
9
00:00:27,517 --> 00:00:29,215
Look at that.
10
00:00:29,217 --> 00:00:32,519
Oh, my God, that is so cute
that it's almost worth
11
00:00:32,521 --> 00:00:35,455
me dropping 200 pounds
to fit into it.
12
00:00:37,192 --> 00:00:39,926
Fred's got Andy tonight,
so you want me to go
to the hospital with you?
13
00:00:39,928 --> 00:00:42,728
No, I want everybody
to have a night off.
14
00:00:42,730 --> 00:00:44,964
I sent Darlene and David
out for dinner.
15
00:00:44,966 --> 00:00:46,599
I told them,
go ahead and enjoy it;
16
00:00:46,601 --> 00:00:48,766
this is one of the last times
you'll ever go to dinner
17
00:00:48,768 --> 00:00:51,302
without a cup of crayons
sitting on the table.
18
00:00:51,304 --> 00:00:53,070
Yeah. That's a good idea.
19
00:00:53,072 --> 00:00:55,106
Everybody's been under
a lot of stress lately.
20
00:00:55,108 --> 00:00:57,841
So I just wanted everybody
to go out and have fun.
21
00:00:57,843 --> 00:01:00,178
Fun. Yeah. Gee.
22
00:01:00,180 --> 00:01:03,213
What did I used
to do for fun?
23
00:01:03,215 --> 00:01:05,715
Oh, yeah.
I came here.
24
00:01:05,717 --> 00:01:08,085
Well, hey, if you're feeling
desperate, you can go down
25
00:01:08,087 --> 00:01:11,087
to Chuck E. Cheese
with Dan and Jerry.
26
00:01:11,089 --> 00:01:13,421
You know, I find you're
never to old to dive
27
00:01:13,423 --> 00:01:15,992
headfirst into a roomful
of plastic balls.
28
00:01:15,994 --> 00:01:18,527
I'll keep that in mind.
29
00:01:18,529 --> 00:01:21,730
Um, any word on how soon
the baby comes home?
30
00:01:21,732 --> 00:01:23,464
No, the doctors say
she's doing fine,
31
00:01:23,466 --> 00:01:25,433
but it could still be
a whole other month.
32
00:01:25,435 --> 00:01:27,335
Mm. That's got to be
rough on you.
33
00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:29,437
You gotta wait
four whole weeks now
to spoil her rotten.
34
00:01:29,439 --> 00:01:32,638
Jackie, I really don't
plan on being one
of those grandmothers
35
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,441
whose entire life
is about her grandchildren.
36
00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:37,744
Roseanne.
Open up the coat.
37
00:01:39,013 --> 00:01:41,446
What?
Just open up the coat.
38
00:01:47,220 --> 00:01:48,854
Now hand me the bag.
No.
39
00:01:48,856 --> 00:01:49,921
Hand me the bag.
40
00:01:49,923 --> 00:01:51,355
Hand me the bag.
41
00:01:58,131 --> 00:02:00,197
How did that
get in there?
42
00:02:00,199 --> 00:02:04,700
♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪
43
00:02:04,702 --> 00:02:06,903
♪ We're gonna last longer ♪
44
00:02:06,905 --> 00:02:09,537
♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪
45
00:02:09,539 --> 00:02:12,841
♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪
46
00:02:12,843 --> 00:02:17,045
♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪
47
00:02:17,047 --> 00:02:19,181
♪ While waiting for my turn ♪
48
00:02:19,183 --> 00:02:22,183
♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪
49
00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:25,351
♪ But you also get some sun ♪
50
00:02:25,353 --> 00:02:29,157
♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪
51
00:02:29,159 --> 00:02:32,159
♪ Hear what I say ♪
52
00:02:32,161 --> 00:02:36,428
♪ Yeah, any day ♪
53
00:02:41,602 --> 00:02:43,301
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
54
00:02:49,341 --> 00:02:50,875
Deej, what the hell
are you doing?
55
00:02:50,877 --> 00:02:52,310
I'm ironing my shirt.
56
00:02:52,312 --> 00:02:55,446
Not all of us pick out
our clothes by sniffing them.
57
00:02:55,448 --> 00:02:58,015
No, idiot, you don't want
to spray so close to the shirt.
58
00:02:58,017 --> 00:02:59,849
You want to mist it,
not soak it.
59
00:02:59,851 --> 00:03:01,852
How do you know
so much about ironing?
60
00:03:01,854 --> 00:03:03,919
Hey, what, are you
calling me a girl?
61
00:03:03,921 --> 00:03:06,556
Look, look, look. Let me
do that for you, okay?
62
00:03:09,727 --> 00:03:11,060
So what are you
doing tonight, man?
63
00:03:11,062 --> 00:03:13,027
I got an extra ticket
to championship wrestling.
64
00:03:13,029 --> 00:03:14,796
Becky thinks it's stupid,
65
00:03:14,798 --> 00:03:16,565
but you don't,
do you, partner?
66
00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:18,867
Sorry, partner.
I got plans with Heather.
67
00:03:18,869 --> 00:03:21,136
Oh, a little wrestling match
of your own, huh?
68
00:03:21,138 --> 00:03:24,071
No, we're gonna go
see Return of the Jedi.
69
00:03:24,073 --> 00:03:27,507
Oh, then you're
gonna need this.
70
00:03:27,509 --> 00:03:29,443
I already have a wallet.
71
00:03:30,812 --> 00:03:34,715
No. No, no, no, no.
A love glove. A raincoat.
72
00:03:34,717 --> 00:03:37,516
An envelope for the night
security deposit box.
73
00:03:38,953 --> 00:03:40,219
You mean a condom?
Well, yeah.
74
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:42,087
If you want
to get technical.
75
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:44,722
Look, we're not
at that stage
in our relationship.
76
00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:46,558
D.J., you're a guy.
77
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,660
You're always at that stage
in your relationship.
78
00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:52,396
Let's just hope
the Force is with you.
79
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,868
[doorbell rings]
80
00:03:58,870 --> 00:04:01,938
Hello!
Hello, you two!
Come right on in!
81
00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:04,474
A-ha!
Hey. Nice to see you.
82
00:04:04,476 --> 00:04:07,243
Oh, it is fantastic!
83
00:04:08,313 --> 00:04:10,479
Oh.
What did you bring us?
84
00:04:10,481 --> 00:04:13,115
A bag of Kenyan
Sumatra beans
85
00:04:13,117 --> 00:04:15,183
and a flourless
chocolate cake.
86
00:04:15,185 --> 00:04:16,318
To die.
87
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,252
Oh, I just love you boys.
88
00:04:18,254 --> 00:04:21,589
You have such a flair.
89
00:04:21,591 --> 00:04:23,224
Well, you know, Bev,
we must admit,
90
00:04:23,226 --> 00:04:25,058
we are more than
a little curious
91
00:04:25,060 --> 00:04:26,994
to meet your new
special friend.
92
00:04:26,996 --> 00:04:28,895
Yes, yes.
93
00:04:28,897 --> 00:04:31,797
Joyce is dying
to meet you, too.
94
00:04:31,799 --> 00:04:34,200
I can't wait to see
what she picked up.
95
00:04:35,770 --> 00:04:38,504
She's probably
some big butch.
96
00:04:41,276 --> 00:04:44,008
Let's face it, Bev's
only been with men
up until now.
97
00:04:44,010 --> 00:04:46,077
Well, that doesn't
mean anything.
98
00:04:46,079 --> 00:04:48,179
Look at me.
Oh, stop!
99
00:04:48,181 --> 00:04:50,648
So, where is Joyce?
100
00:04:50,650 --> 00:04:52,350
Oh, she'll be out
in a minute.
101
00:04:52,352 --> 00:04:54,952
She's just putting on
some lipstick.
102
00:04:54,954 --> 00:04:56,653
[mouthing word]
"Lipstick."
103
00:04:56,655 --> 00:05:01,191
Joyce! Get your hot little
patootie out here!
104
00:05:06,430 --> 00:05:09,464
Fasten your seatbelts!
105
00:05:09,466 --> 00:05:12,334
It's going to be
a bumpy night.
106
00:05:12,336 --> 00:05:13,669
[laughs]
107
00:05:13,671 --> 00:05:16,204
My God, Leon, look!
108
00:05:16,206 --> 00:05:18,773
Look, it's--
God, I don't believe it!
It's her!
109
00:05:18,775 --> 00:05:20,875
Oh, yes, Joyce!
110
00:05:20,877 --> 00:05:26,214
Joyce, the Velvet Voice
from the rotating lounge
on top of the Holiday Inn.
111
00:05:26,216 --> 00:05:29,950
Bev, why didn't you tell us
that you were seeing
112
00:05:29,952 --> 00:05:32,852
Lanford's most
fabulous chanteuse?
113
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:34,920
Oh, then you've seen my show?
114
00:05:34,922 --> 00:05:37,823
Oh!
Are you kidding?
We adore you!
115
00:05:37,825 --> 00:05:39,457
Darling, I can't count
the times we have gone
116
00:05:39,459 --> 00:05:41,126
to the windows
on Lanford Lounge
117
00:05:41,128 --> 00:05:44,061
high atop the fourth floor
of the fantastic Holiday Inn,
118
00:05:44,064 --> 00:05:48,666
and watch you literally
tear the roof off the place.
119
00:05:48,668 --> 00:05:52,403
And the way you do
"Send In the Clowns."
120
00:05:52,405 --> 00:05:53,937
Oh!
Honey.
121
00:05:53,939 --> 00:05:56,574
I have not been able
to go back to the circus.
122
00:05:58,043 --> 00:06:01,411
And the finale when you do
"The Wind Beneath My Wings,"
123
00:06:01,413 --> 00:06:03,212
and they turn
the fans on you.
124
00:06:03,214 --> 00:06:05,747
And your arms go up
and you've got those
little sequined wings
125
00:06:05,749 --> 00:06:07,283
sewn into your sleeves!
126
00:06:07,285 --> 00:06:10,018
Well, that is when
the waterworks open
for me, darling.
127
00:06:11,422 --> 00:06:15,123
It is genius!
It is just... genius.
128
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:19,160
Oh, you are so nice.
129
00:06:19,162 --> 00:06:20,362
Bev...
130
00:06:20,364 --> 00:06:22,896
They're not catty at all.
131
00:06:28,236 --> 00:06:30,903
Boy, is the Lanford Armory
the greatest place
132
00:06:30,905 --> 00:06:32,371
to see wrestling or what?
133
00:06:32,373 --> 00:06:36,342
[sniffs]
Oh, I forgot the rodeo
was here last week.
134
00:06:36,344 --> 00:06:39,911
I got a gut full of nachos
and a giant foam finger.
135
00:06:39,913 --> 00:06:43,915
I am ready to rumble!
136
00:06:43,917 --> 00:06:45,949
I think tonight's gonna
be my night, Jackie.
137
00:06:45,951 --> 00:06:48,387
I can't wait to get
into that ring! Rahh!
138
00:06:48,389 --> 00:06:49,554
You can do that?
139
00:06:49,556 --> 00:06:51,488
Yeah, sure; what you do,
you fill out a card,
140
00:06:51,490 --> 00:06:53,790
and they pick a different
audience member every week.
141
00:06:53,792 --> 00:06:55,826
Not to worry,
I filled out one for you.
142
00:06:55,828 --> 00:06:57,328
Sounds dangerous.
143
00:06:57,330 --> 00:06:59,730
No, no, no, no.
Maybe for some guys.
144
00:06:59,732 --> 00:07:01,730
But check out these guns.
Yeah, right.
145
00:07:01,732 --> 00:07:03,532
You gotta be
a little bit afraid.
146
00:07:03,534 --> 00:07:05,302
Nah.
[bell rings]
147
00:07:05,304 --> 00:07:07,135
[Ring announcer over P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen,
148
00:07:07,137 --> 00:07:11,240
it's time for the fabulous ladies of wrestling!
149
00:07:12,876 --> 00:07:14,510
Our first match of the evening,
150
00:07:14,512 --> 00:07:18,646
entering the ring, three-time Tri-State Federation Champion,
151
00:07:18,648 --> 00:07:22,783
straight from her appearance on Sally Jesse Raphael,
152
00:07:22,785 --> 00:07:25,520
she's ripped, rock-hard, and ready for action!
153
00:07:25,522 --> 00:07:29,089
Cincinnati Patty Di Marco!
154
00:07:29,091 --> 00:07:31,691
And her opponent,
155
00:07:31,693 --> 00:07:33,693
wanted in 13 states for illegal moves
156
00:07:33,695 --> 00:07:35,260
both in and out of the ring,
157
00:07:35,262 --> 00:07:37,529
a terrifying display of feminine evil,
158
00:07:37,531 --> 00:07:40,065
Black Widow!
159
00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:42,601
Oh, yeah? Well,
you're next, wussy boy!
160
00:07:46,606 --> 00:07:49,873
I want a piece of you!
I want a piece of you!
161
00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:51,842
[yells]
162
00:07:54,513 --> 00:07:57,447
Deej, check out
that Yoda over there.
163
00:07:57,449 --> 00:07:59,749
That's a homeless guy.
164
00:08:02,787 --> 00:08:05,853
How many dogs did he have
to kill to make that outfit?
165
00:08:05,855 --> 00:08:07,922
Yeah, don't people
have lives?
166
00:08:07,924 --> 00:08:10,124
Apparently not.
167
00:08:10,126 --> 00:08:11,426
Do you want
your light saber?
168
00:08:11,428 --> 00:08:14,196
Yeah!
169
00:08:14,198 --> 00:08:17,131
Careful, D.J.,
that's not a toy.
170
00:08:17,133 --> 00:08:19,166
This movie starts
in, like, 10 minutes.
171
00:08:19,168 --> 00:08:21,335
We're gonna have
nosebleed seats.
172
00:08:21,337 --> 00:08:23,637
Hi, two for Return of the Jedi.
173
00:08:23,639 --> 00:08:25,171
Sorry, sold out.
174
00:08:25,173 --> 00:08:27,440
Oh, no.
175
00:08:27,442 --> 00:08:29,342
We have plenty
of seats available
176
00:08:29,344 --> 00:08:30,776
for "Beautician
and the Beast."
177
00:08:32,047 --> 00:08:34,713
Crap, what do we do now?
178
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:37,015
Well, we can rent
this movie.
179
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:40,318
And your mom's not home.
180
00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:46,057
[Leon]
Oh, with the trumpet player?
181
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,959
Well, of course, they can
hold their breath forever.
182
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,394
That's right.
183
00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:51,696
So then what happened?
184
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,564
Well, I just told her
185
00:08:53,566 --> 00:08:56,799
that if she was gonna carry on
like that with the band,
186
00:08:56,801 --> 00:08:58,834
no way we were gonna
live together.
187
00:08:58,836 --> 00:09:03,506
I just cannot believe
that you and Edie Gourmet
were roommates.
188
00:09:03,508 --> 00:09:05,607
Oh, that's nothing.
189
00:09:05,609 --> 00:09:07,776
Tell them about the time
you and Mitzi Gaynor
190
00:09:07,778 --> 00:09:11,646
got into a fist fight
at the South Pacific callbacks.
191
00:09:11,648 --> 00:09:13,581
Mitzi Gaynor dish!
192
00:09:13,583 --> 00:09:14,949
[singsong]
Do tell.
193
00:09:14,951 --> 00:09:16,518
Tell us every juicy bit.
Everything.
194
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:20,354
Well, I would, but I've
just won another hand. Gin.
195
00:09:20,356 --> 00:09:22,690
Oh, you are impossible!
196
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:25,625
Oh, Joyce you are
a lucky woman.
197
00:09:25,627 --> 00:09:27,427
Oh, you can say
that again, Bevvie.
198
00:09:27,429 --> 00:09:28,595
Oh.
199
00:09:28,597 --> 00:09:31,230
Scotty, how cute are they?
200
00:09:31,232 --> 00:09:32,397
Mmm-mmm.
201
00:09:32,399 --> 00:09:34,233
Bev, we've got
to hand it to you.
202
00:09:34,235 --> 00:09:36,535
Joyce is really something.
203
00:09:36,537 --> 00:09:38,970
A great singer,
divine card player,
204
00:09:38,972 --> 00:09:41,006
and a mouth like a sailor.
205
00:09:41,008 --> 00:09:44,242
Ooh, if only
I were a woman.
206
00:09:44,244 --> 00:09:46,978
But you're not!
Oh, I know.
207
00:09:46,980 --> 00:09:49,613
Listen, I'm not against
giving you boys
208
00:09:49,615 --> 00:09:51,482
a chance to win
a game or two.
209
00:09:51,484 --> 00:09:54,452
Why don't we play
something else?
Your choice.
210
00:09:54,454 --> 00:09:57,420
Oh, Joyce,
you are going to live
to regret those words.
211
00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,089
What am I missing?
212
00:09:59,091 --> 00:10:00,590
Oh, nothing at all.
213
00:10:00,592 --> 00:10:05,194
Just that Leon and I
were Fire Island
Canasta champions, 1985.
214
00:10:05,196 --> 00:10:06,929
Really?
215
00:10:06,931 --> 00:10:09,764
Then how's about we make things
a little more interesting?
216
00:10:09,766 --> 00:10:11,799
All right,
anything but strip poker.
217
00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:13,267
I haven't waxed.
218
00:10:13,269 --> 00:10:15,804
Oh, Scott!
219
00:10:15,806 --> 00:10:17,804
Whaddaya say we
raise the stakes?
220
00:10:17,806 --> 00:10:20,941
Well, he's raised
the stake fairly well.
Will you be quiet!
221
00:10:20,943 --> 00:10:22,375
Ooh!
222
00:10:22,378 --> 00:10:23,810
Naughty.
223
00:10:23,812 --> 00:10:25,745
So, Joyce, have you
met Roseanne yet?
224
00:10:25,747 --> 00:10:28,015
She out of her coma?
225
00:10:29,717 --> 00:10:31,751
Who wants coffee?
226
00:10:36,056 --> 00:10:38,457
♪♪ [instrumental, TV]
227
00:10:38,459 --> 00:10:39,558
This is so stupid.
228
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,092
What?
229
00:10:41,094 --> 00:10:43,661
This whole thing
with Princess Leia
and Han Solo.
230
00:10:43,663 --> 00:10:45,496
They obviously
want each other,
231
00:10:45,498 --> 00:10:47,498
but they don't even
do anything about it.
232
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:50,434
Yeah, well, she's not
exactly sending him
any signals or anything.
233
00:10:50,436 --> 00:10:53,904
That's why it's so lame.
234
00:10:53,906 --> 00:10:56,506
Here they are,
these two total outcasts.
235
00:10:56,508 --> 00:10:58,373
They have no one
in the world
except each other,
236
00:10:58,375 --> 00:11:00,811
and they're playing these
stupid junior-high games.
237
00:11:00,813 --> 00:11:02,645
I just don't buy it.
238
00:11:05,683 --> 00:11:08,282
Maybe he's just waiting
for her to do something first.
239
00:11:08,284 --> 00:11:09,884
Think about it.
240
00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:11,819
Let's say if there was
this really hot girl,
241
00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:13,921
and you really liked her,
242
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,389
and you know that
she liked you back.
243
00:11:16,391 --> 00:11:18,760
Plus the fact that you
could die any second,
244
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:23,029
wouldn't you just want
to push the wookie off
the console and do it?
245
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,133
Right there.
246
00:11:28,135 --> 00:11:30,503
They had the perfect chance
and did nothing.
247
00:11:30,505 --> 00:11:32,638
I just think that--
248
00:11:42,248 --> 00:11:43,481
Hit her with a chair!
249
00:11:43,483 --> 00:11:45,216
Pig! You're a pig!
250
00:11:45,218 --> 00:11:46,883
I'll rip your head
off your neck
251
00:11:46,886 --> 00:11:48,719
and pull your lungs out
through your shoulders,
252
00:11:48,721 --> 00:11:51,187
you little--
you little stain!
253
00:11:53,425 --> 00:11:55,859
Now you got her
all riled up!
254
00:11:55,861 --> 00:11:58,495
Good, it'll throw her
off her game! I hate her!
255
00:11:58,497 --> 00:12:00,930
Hey, I can smell
your breath from here!
256
00:12:00,932 --> 00:12:02,865
[Ring announcer] Attention to Mark Healy!
257
00:12:02,867 --> 00:12:05,200
Mr. Mark Healy!
258
00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:07,902
I got picked!
This is beautiful!
259
00:12:07,904 --> 00:12:09,170
I got picked!
260
00:12:09,172 --> 00:12:11,506
Hey! Prepare to die,
you bag!
261
00:12:11,508 --> 00:12:12,841
[Ring announcer] Telephone call.
262
00:12:12,843 --> 00:12:14,709
Please pick up the courtesy phone.
263
00:12:14,711 --> 00:12:18,345
Mr. Mark Healy, you have a telephone call.
264
00:12:18,347 --> 00:12:21,082
Damn!
I hope that nothing's
wrong at the hospital!
265
00:12:21,084 --> 00:12:23,917
Oh, who's calling, baby?
Your mama?
266
00:12:23,919 --> 00:12:26,419
[laughing]
267
00:12:31,759 --> 00:12:34,260
Yeah, this is Mark Healy.
268
00:12:34,262 --> 00:12:36,027
It's D.J.
Is everything okay?
269
00:12:36,029 --> 00:12:37,663
Yeah, what's up, Deej?
Look, this better be good.
270
00:12:37,665 --> 00:12:39,564
Because if they call
my name here and I miss it,
271
00:12:39,566 --> 00:12:40,632
you're dead meat.
272
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,300
Mark, do you still
have that condom?
273
00:12:42,302 --> 00:12:44,769
I can't hear ya, what?
What is it?
What? What?
274
00:12:44,771 --> 00:12:46,804
I said, do you
still have that con--
275
00:12:46,806 --> 00:12:50,273
Do you have that glove,
you know?
276
00:12:50,275 --> 00:12:53,342
He's looking
for his gloves.
Oh, I hate that.
277
00:12:53,344 --> 00:12:55,377
It's worse when
you just lose one.
278
00:12:55,379 --> 00:12:57,213
D.J., I have no idea
where your gloves are.
279
00:12:57,215 --> 00:12:59,148
Why don't you try
the hall closet?
280
00:12:59,150 --> 00:13:02,050
Oh, wait-- wait a minute,
the the glove.
281
00:13:02,052 --> 00:13:04,619
Oh, yeah,
it's in my wallet.
282
00:13:04,621 --> 00:13:08,423
Well, there's another
package in Papa Bear's den.
283
00:13:08,425 --> 00:13:10,992
The hell are you
talking about?
284
00:13:10,994 --> 00:13:13,494
Your dad's sock drawer.
Papa Bear's den.
285
00:13:13,496 --> 00:13:14,996
How do you know
there's one there?
286
00:13:14,998 --> 00:13:17,465
Everybody knows that's where
bears stash them, man.
287
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:19,900
That's where me and Goldilocks
used to find them all the time.
288
00:13:19,902 --> 00:13:23,904
All right. No problem,
Baby Bear. Later.
289
00:13:23,906 --> 00:13:25,805
You're sure that
everything's okay.
290
00:13:25,807 --> 00:13:27,573
Yeah, D.J. just
wanted a condom.
291
00:13:27,575 --> 00:13:30,275
What?
292
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:31,643
[Ring announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
293
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:34,413
tonight's lucky audience winner is...
294
00:13:34,415 --> 00:13:36,981
Jackie Harris!
295
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:40,184
Are you ready to wrestle?
296
00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:42,420
Whoa!
Whoa!
297
00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:45,823
Okay, boys, read
'em and weep.
298
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,191
Oh, no.
[laughs]
299
00:13:48,193 --> 00:13:52,362
Where in the world
did you learn to play
cards like that?
300
00:13:52,364 --> 00:13:53,896
Oh, darling, please.
301
00:13:53,898 --> 00:13:56,031
All those years I spent in Reno.
302
00:13:56,033 --> 00:13:57,600
I mean,
after the show is over,
303
00:13:57,602 --> 00:13:59,434
there is nothing to do
but play cards
304
00:13:59,436 --> 00:14:00,803
or hit the buffets.
305
00:14:00,805 --> 00:14:03,872
Well, you must give us a chance
to win some of our money back.
306
00:14:03,874 --> 00:14:05,040
What do you have in mind?
307
00:14:05,042 --> 00:14:06,709
No, no more cards, please.
308
00:14:06,711 --> 00:14:10,144
I'm gonna be seeing
Queens in my sleep.
309
00:14:10,146 --> 00:14:12,647
Well, now you sound
like my Scotty.
310
00:14:12,649 --> 00:14:13,814
Oh, will you be quiet?
311
00:14:13,816 --> 00:14:16,083
You have quite
a cheeky attitude.
312
00:14:16,085 --> 00:14:17,985
Wait a minute.
I have an idea.
313
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:19,986
I have an idea, boys.
314
00:14:19,988 --> 00:14:23,890
How about we have
a show-tune trivia challenge?
315
00:14:23,892 --> 00:14:26,459
Yes! Hear, hear.
That sounds like fun.
Who goes first?
316
00:14:26,461 --> 00:14:28,728
Me, me. No, Leon.
Leon's wonderful.
317
00:14:28,730 --> 00:14:30,597
I will.
Okay, um...
318
00:14:30,599 --> 00:14:33,066
Help me, honey.
[whispers]
319
00:14:33,068 --> 00:14:34,265
Yes. Good.
320
00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:37,835
Um, what tune was cut
from A Little Night Music?
321
00:14:37,837 --> 00:14:40,403
"Out Of Town Tryouts,"
or "Broadway."
322
00:14:40,405 --> 00:14:44,107
[both]
Hello!
323
00:14:44,109 --> 00:14:46,944
Damn, she is good!
324
00:14:46,946 --> 00:14:49,079
Uh, anyone for martinis?
325
00:14:49,081 --> 00:14:51,882
Great idea, Bev.
I will make them.
I will make them.
326
00:14:51,884 --> 00:14:53,750
Scotty, are you having?
327
00:14:53,752 --> 00:14:56,686
I thought you'd never ask.
And you're only having
one tonight, mister.
328
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,822
Mister Stick In the Mud.
329
00:14:58,824 --> 00:15:00,222
How about you, Joycie?
330
00:15:00,224 --> 00:15:04,193
You know what I'd love?
A big, fat bourbon.
331
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:07,496
Ooh, you go, girl.
How do you like it?
332
00:15:07,498 --> 00:15:10,164
I like my whiskey
like I like my women--
333
00:15:10,166 --> 00:15:13,934
smooth bodied
and, uh, well-aged.
334
00:15:19,508 --> 00:15:22,442
Sock drawer, sock drawer,
which one's the sock--
335
00:15:22,444 --> 00:15:24,744
Ooh, I'm not thinking about
my parents having sex.
336
00:15:24,746 --> 00:15:26,913
I'm not thinking about
my parents having sex.
337
00:15:26,915 --> 00:15:29,615
Ho Ho.
Ho Ho.
338
00:15:29,617 --> 00:15:33,886
Ho Ho.
Ugh.
339
00:15:33,888 --> 00:15:37,355
"TV Guide 40th
Anniversary Issue."
340
00:15:37,357 --> 00:15:40,159
It's a special
collector's edition?
341
00:15:43,663 --> 00:15:46,130
Hey, my old water gun!
342
00:15:46,132 --> 00:15:48,465
So that's where
he put it.
343
00:15:48,467 --> 00:15:50,967
Dad has his own
TV remote in here?
344
00:15:50,969 --> 00:15:55,171
What is that?
Ugh.
345
00:15:55,173 --> 00:15:58,640
"To my dearest Dan.
Thanks for everything.
346
00:15:58,642 --> 00:16:01,177
Julie Newmar."
347
00:16:01,179 --> 00:16:05,014
Mmm.
Julie Newmar.
348
00:16:06,983 --> 00:16:09,517
♪ Never say-- ♪
Wait a minute,
that's too low.
349
00:16:09,519 --> 00:16:11,186
Wait, wait, wait!
Find a new key!
350
00:16:11,188 --> 00:16:14,055
♪ Ever since this world began ♪
351
00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:15,355
Honey!
352
00:16:15,357 --> 00:16:19,525
♪ There is nothing
sadder than ♪
353
00:16:19,527 --> 00:16:22,361
♪ A one-man woman ♪
354
00:16:22,363 --> 00:16:25,464
♪ Looking for the man ♪
355
00:16:25,466 --> 00:16:27,166
♪ Who got ♪
356
00:16:27,168 --> 00:16:30,702
♪ Away ♪
357
00:16:30,704 --> 00:16:32,604
[laughter]
358
00:16:36,110 --> 00:16:38,308
That was fabulous, Joyce!
359
00:16:38,310 --> 00:16:40,178
Oh, Leon!
360
00:16:40,180 --> 00:16:42,113
You have a fabulous voice!
361
00:16:42,115 --> 00:16:44,314
You should hear him sing
"Don't Rain On My Parade."
362
00:16:44,316 --> 00:16:45,983
Scott, please, please.
363
00:16:45,985 --> 00:16:48,752
Oh, honey, you can
come to the club and
sing anytime you want.
364
00:16:48,754 --> 00:16:51,388
No, no, you are the diva.
I'm an amateur.
365
00:16:51,390 --> 00:16:53,657
There is one star
when you're on stage, darling.
366
00:16:53,659 --> 00:16:54,958
That's it.
You're it, sweetheart.
367
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,127
Who wants another martini?
368
00:16:58,129 --> 00:17:00,363
Me! Me!
I'll have two!
369
00:17:01,432 --> 00:17:03,032
Listen, people.
370
00:17:03,034 --> 00:17:04,199
Joyce, may be the singer--
371
00:17:04,201 --> 00:17:05,868
[crash]
Oh!
372
00:17:05,870 --> 00:17:07,969
Leon, I told you!
373
00:17:07,971 --> 00:17:11,305
Three is your limit tonight!
374
00:17:11,307 --> 00:17:15,009
You remember what happened
at the YMCA fund raiser.
375
00:17:15,011 --> 00:17:18,077
Everyone was taking
something off.
376
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:20,345
We haven't been allowed back
in the Olympic pool since!
377
00:17:20,347 --> 00:17:22,348
"Get that bottom
off of there!"
Oh, I hate that place!
378
00:17:22,350 --> 00:17:24,284
I hate that place anyway.
379
00:17:24,286 --> 00:17:26,052
That's where that
man was so cruel.
380
00:17:26,054 --> 00:17:29,721
Joyce may be the singer--
my hat's off to you--
381
00:17:29,723 --> 00:17:33,191
Thank you.
But can she dance?
382
00:17:33,193 --> 00:17:36,294
[hums show tune]
383
00:17:36,296 --> 00:17:38,361
Come on.
384
00:17:38,363 --> 00:17:40,064
Come on, get in here,
two feet.
385
00:17:40,066 --> 00:17:43,667
[all humming drunkenly]
386
00:17:45,337 --> 00:17:48,071
We got it! We got it!
We should have a group!
387
00:17:48,073 --> 00:17:50,074
Wonderful idea!
388
00:17:50,076 --> 00:17:53,276
We could call ourselves
Four Girls Four!
389
00:17:53,278 --> 00:17:55,811
That's Girlz with a "z"!
390
00:17:59,350 --> 00:18:01,950
Kill her, Jackie!
Give her the eye gouge!
391
00:18:01,952 --> 00:18:04,753
I used to be a cop!
I used to be a cop!
392
00:18:04,755 --> 00:18:06,020
[Jackie yells]
393
00:18:08,291 --> 00:18:10,391
You put that--
That's it!
394
00:18:10,393 --> 00:18:11,525
What are you doing?
395
00:18:11,527 --> 00:18:13,861
All right, Jackie,
let me in there!
396
00:18:13,863 --> 00:18:16,263
Let me in there!
Le me in!
397
00:18:16,265 --> 00:18:17,697
[Mark yelling]
398
00:18:20,136 --> 00:18:23,069
Jackie!
Tag me, Jackie!
399
00:18:23,071 --> 00:18:26,039
Jackie! Tag! Tag me!
400
00:18:26,041 --> 00:18:27,673
Jackie, tag me!
401
00:18:27,675 --> 00:18:28,874
Tag me, Jackie!
402
00:18:28,876 --> 00:18:31,976
Tag me! Jackie!
Jackie!
403
00:18:37,651 --> 00:18:39,384
D.J., is something wrong?
404
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:40,785
What?
405
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:43,120
You just keep on getting up
and leaving me here.
406
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,588
Are you trying
to tell me something?
407
00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:46,356
No, I was just,
you know--
408
00:18:46,358 --> 00:18:48,424
D.J., D.J., um...
409
00:18:48,426 --> 00:18:51,928
just so you know--
like, for future reference--
410
00:18:51,930 --> 00:18:54,198
I have some condoms
in my backpack.
411
00:18:58,135 --> 00:18:59,935
You do?
412
00:18:59,937 --> 00:19:02,604
Yeah, my mom makes me
carry them around.
413
00:19:02,606 --> 00:19:06,374
She says it makes
her feel protected.
414
00:19:06,376 --> 00:19:09,343
So-- so you ever use them?
415
00:19:09,345 --> 00:19:12,147
No, I was actually
kind of saving them.
416
00:19:12,149 --> 00:19:14,648
You know,
for something special.
417
00:19:14,650 --> 00:19:16,382
That's a good idea.
418
00:19:16,384 --> 00:19:19,552
I mean, some things
ought to be special.
419
00:19:19,554 --> 00:19:23,789
Yeah. So if you and I
ever decide to use them,
420
00:19:23,791 --> 00:19:26,125
I guess we'll be prepared.
421
00:19:26,127 --> 00:19:28,327
So you won't have
to go calling Mark
422
00:19:28,329 --> 00:19:30,362
or looking through
your dad's drawers.
423
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:37,069
That's good,
because there's nothing
but Ho Hos in there anyway.
424
00:19:37,071 --> 00:19:41,072
D.J., you're not upset
we didn't do anything
tonight, are you?
425
00:19:41,074 --> 00:19:44,642
No, actually,
I'm kind of relieved.
426
00:19:44,644 --> 00:19:46,476
Me, too.
427
00:19:46,478 --> 00:19:49,413
It's getting late.
428
00:19:49,415 --> 00:19:50,880
I'll walk you home.
429
00:19:50,882 --> 00:19:52,983
No, that's okay.
I got my bike.
430
00:19:52,985 --> 00:19:57,387
Oh. Okay, well, call me
as soon as you get there
so I know you're okay.
431
00:19:57,389 --> 00:19:59,422
All right.
432
00:20:15,338 --> 00:20:17,170
To tell you the truth,
Black Widow,
433
00:20:17,172 --> 00:20:19,873
I always thought those
professional wrestling
matches were fake.
434
00:20:19,875 --> 00:20:23,243
Yeah, that's true for the guys
like Rowdy Roddy Piper,
435
00:20:23,245 --> 00:20:25,611
but when we women fight,
it's for real.
436
00:20:25,613 --> 00:20:29,014
Well, I guess I know that now.
437
00:20:30,717 --> 00:20:32,118
Hey, listen,
438
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:33,885
I'm sorry you didn't
get a crack at me.
439
00:20:33,887 --> 00:20:35,953
Oh, that's okay,
I mean, if this stuff is real,
440
00:20:35,955 --> 00:20:38,522
I can see why you wouldn't
want to wrestle a guy anyway.
441
00:20:38,524 --> 00:20:40,558
Oh, yeah?
Let's go.
442
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,860
I wouldn't do that
if I was you.
443
00:20:42,862 --> 00:20:44,928
I carry most of my strength
in my forearms.
444
00:20:46,899 --> 00:20:50,633
I got 50,000 bucks
on the Black Widow.
445
00:20:50,635 --> 00:20:53,235
All right, Popeye,
let's go.
446
00:20:53,237 --> 00:20:55,237
Okay.
447
00:20:57,241 --> 00:20:59,241
Now don't hold back
'cause I'm a woman.
448
00:20:59,243 --> 00:21:01,076
Ow! Okay.
449
00:21:02,613 --> 00:21:03,645
[grunts]
450
00:21:03,647 --> 00:21:06,081
All right,
you got me, buddy.
451
00:21:06,083 --> 00:21:08,416
[gasping]
Ah, chicks.
452
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:16,223
Get that for me,
would you, D.J.?
453
00:21:19,261 --> 00:21:21,261
I'd like to apologize
for my family.
454
00:21:21,263 --> 00:21:24,030
I'm sure every idiot
who meets you wants to see
if they can take you.
455
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:25,164
[light chuckle]
456
00:21:25,166 --> 00:21:27,733
Hey, ev-- oh!
457
00:21:27,735 --> 00:21:31,535
Oh, my God.
Black Widow!
458
00:21:31,537 --> 00:21:34,306
I've-- I saw you on TV.
459
00:21:34,308 --> 00:21:37,174
Get up, Mark.
I've always wanted to do this!
460
00:21:38,711 --> 00:21:41,112
Okay.
All right.
461
00:21:41,114 --> 00:21:44,281
You ready?
Yeah.
462
00:21:44,283 --> 00:21:46,949
Go.
463
00:21:46,951 --> 00:21:51,553
[both grunting]
464
00:21:51,555 --> 00:21:54,491
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
39139
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