Original subtitles

Roseanne, you look different.

I mean, good different. Did you cut your hair?

No, I washed it.

After a week in the hospital like that, my hair developed

a permanent ledge in the back there.

I got the cutest present for Darlene's baby.

You know how a new outfit always makes a girl feel better.

Oh, it's so cute!

Look at that.

Oh, my God, that is so cute that it's almost worth

me dropping 200 pounds to fit into it.

Fred's got Andy tonight, so you want me to go to the hospital with you?

No, I want everybody to have a night off.

I sent Darlene and David out for dinner.

I told them, go ahead and enjoy it;

this is one of the last times you'll ever go to dinner

without a cup of crayons sitting on the table.

Yeah. That's a good idea.

Everybody's been under a lot of stress lately.

So I just wanted everybody to go out and have fun.

Fun. Yeah. Gee.

What did I used to do for fun?

Oh, yeah. I came here.

Well, hey, if you're feeling desperate, you can go down

to Chuck E. Cheese with Dan and Jerry.

You know, I find you're never to old to dive

headfirst into a roomful of plastic balls.

I'll keep that in mind.

Um, any word on how soon the baby comes home?

No, the doctors say she's doing fine,

but it could still be a whole other month.

Mm. That's got to be rough on you.

You gotta wait four whole weeks now to spoil her rotten.

Jackie, I really don't plan on being one of those grandmothers

whose entire life is about her grandchildren.

Roseanne. Open up the coat.

What? Just open up the coat.

Now hand me the bag. No.

Hand me the bag.

Hand me the bag.

How did that get in there?

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Deej, what the hell are you doing?

I'm ironing my shirt.

Not all of us pick out our clothes by sniffing them.

No, idiot, you don't want to spray so close to the shirt.

You want to mist it, not soak it.

How do you know so much about ironing?

Hey, what, are you calling me a girl?

Look, look, look. Let me do that for you, okay?

So what are you doing tonight, man?

I got an extra ticket to championship wrestling.

Becky thinks it's stupid,

but you don't, do you, partner?

Sorry, partner. I got plans with Heather.

Oh, a little wrestling match of your own, huh?

No, we're gonna go see Return of the Jedi.

Oh, then you're gonna need this.

I already have a wallet.

No. No, no, no, no. A love glove. A raincoat.

An envelope for the night security deposit box.

You mean a condom? Well, yeah.

If you want to get technical.

Look, we're not at that stage in our relationship.

D.J., you're a guy.

You're always at that stage in your relationship.

Let's just hope the Force is with you.

[doorbell rings]

Hello! Hello, you two! Come right on in!

A-ha! Hey. Nice to see you.

Oh, it is fantastic!

Oh. What did you bring us?

A bag of Kenyan Sumatra beans

and a flourless chocolate cake.

To die.

Oh, I just love you boys.

You have such a flair.

Well, you know, Bev, we must admit,

we are more than a little curious

to meet your new special friend.

Yes, yes.

Joyce is dying to meet you, too.

I can't wait to see what she picked up.

She's probably some big butch.

Let's face it, Bev's only been with men up until now.

Well, that doesn't mean anything.

Look at me. Oh, stop!

So, where is Joyce?

Oh, she'll be out in a minute.

She's just putting on some lipstick.

[mouthing word] "Lipstick."

Joyce! Get your hot little patootie out here!

Fasten your seatbelts!

It's going to be a bumpy night.

[laughs]

My God, Leon, look!

Look, it's-- God, I don't believe it! It's her!

Oh, yes, Joyce!

Joyce, the Velvet Voice from the rotating lounge on top of the Holiday Inn.

Bev, why didn't you tell us that you were seeing

Lanford's most fabulous chanteuse?

Oh, then you've seen my show?

Oh! Are you kidding? We adore you!

Darling, I can't count the times we have gone

to the windows on Lanford Lounge

high atop the fourth floor of the fantastic Holiday Inn,

and watch you literally tear the roof off the place.

And the way you do "Send In the Clowns."

Oh! Honey.

I have not been able to go back to the circus.

And the finale when you do "The Wind Beneath My Wings,"

and they turn the fans on you.

And your arms go up and you've got those little sequined wings

sewn into your sleeves!

Well, that is when the waterworks open for me, darling.

It is genius! It is just... genius.

Oh, you are so nice.

Bev...

They're not catty at all.

Boy, is the Lanford Armory the greatest place

to see wrestling or what?

[sniffs] Oh, I forgot the rodeo was here last week.

I got a gut full of nachos and a giant foam finger.

I am ready to rumble!

I think tonight's gonna be my night, Jackie.

I can't wait to get into that ring! Rahh!

You can do that?

Yeah, sure; what you do, you fill out a card,

and they pick a different audience member every week.

Not to worry, I filled out one for you.

Sounds dangerous.

No, no, no, no. Maybe for some guys.

But check out these guns. Yeah, right.

You gotta be a little bit afraid.

Nah. [bell rings]

[Ring announcer over P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for the fabulous ladies of wrestling!

Our first match of the evening,

entering the ring, three-time Tri-State Federation Champion,

straight from her appearance on Sally Jesse Raphael,

she's ripped, rock-hard, and ready for action!

Cincinnati Patty Di Marco!

And her opponent,

wanted in 13 states for illegal moves

both in and out of the ring,

a terrifying display of feminine evil,

Black Widow!

Oh, yeah? Well, you're next, wussy boy!

I want a piece of you! I want a piece of you!

[yells]

Deej, check out that Yoda over there.

That's a homeless guy.

How many dogs did he have to kill to make that outfit?

Yeah, don't people have lives?

Apparently not.

Do you want your light saber?

Yeah!

Careful, D.J., that's not a toy.

This movie starts in, like, 10 minutes.

We're gonna have nosebleed seats.

Hi, two for Return of the Jedi.

Sorry, sold out.

Oh, no.

We have plenty of seats available

for "Beautician and the Beast."

Crap, what do we do now?

Well, we can rent this movie.

And your mom's not home.

[Leon] Oh, with the trumpet player?

Well, of course, they can hold their breath forever.

That's right.

So then what happened?

Well, I just told her

that if she was gonna carry on like that with the band,

no way we were gonna live together.

I just cannot believe that you and Edie Gourmet were roommates.

Oh, that's nothing.

Tell them about the time you and Mitzi Gaynor

got into a fist fight at the South Pacific callbacks.

Mitzi Gaynor dish!

[singsong] Do tell.

Tell us every juicy bit. Everything.

Well, I would, but I've just won another hand. Gin.

Oh, you are impossible!

Oh, Joyce you are a lucky woman.

Oh, you can say that again, Bevvie.

Oh.

Scotty, how cute are they?

Mmm-mmm.

Bev, we've got to hand it to you.

Joyce is really something.

A great singer, divine card player,

and a mouth like a sailor.

Ooh, if only I were a woman.

But you're not! Oh, I know.

Listen, I'm not against giving you boys

a chance to win a game or two.

Why don't we play something else? Your choice.

Oh, Joyce, you are going to live to regret those words.

What am I missing?

Oh, nothing at all.

Just that Leon and I were Fire Island Canasta champions, 1985.

Really?

Then how's about we make things a little more interesting?

All right, anything but strip poker.

I haven't waxed.

Oh, Scott!

Whaddaya say we raise the stakes?

Well, he's raised the stake fairly well. Will you be quiet!

Ooh!

Naughty.

So, Joyce, have you met Roseanne yet?

She out of her coma?

Who wants coffee?

♪♪ [instrumental, TV]

This is so stupid.

What?

This whole thing with Princess Leia and Han Solo.

They obviously want each other,

but they don't even do anything about it.

Yeah, well, she's not exactly sending him any signals or anything.

That's why it's so lame.

Here they are, these two total outcasts.

They have no one in the world except each other,

and they're playing these stupid junior-high games.

I just don't buy it.

Maybe he's just waiting for her to do something first.

Think about it.

Let's say if there was this really hot girl,

and you really liked her,

and you know that she liked you back.

Plus the fact that you could die any second,

wouldn't you just want to push the wookie off the console and do it?

Right there.

They had the perfect chance and did nothing.

I just think that--

Hit her with a chair!

Pig! You're a pig!

I'll rip your head off your neck

and pull your lungs out through your shoulders,

you little-- you little stain!

Now you got her all riled up!

Good, it'll throw her off her game! I hate her!

Hey, I can smell your breath from here!

[Ring announcer] Attention to Mark Healy!

Mr. Mark Healy!

I got picked! This is beautiful!

I got picked!

Hey! Prepare to die, you bag!

[Ring announcer] Telephone call.

Please pick up the courtesy phone.

Mr. Mark Healy, you have a telephone call.

Damn! I hope that nothing's wrong at the hospital!

Oh, who's calling, baby? Your mama?

[laughing]

Yeah, this is Mark Healy.

It's D.J. Is everything okay?

Yeah, what's up, Deej? Look, this better be good.

Because if they call my name here and I miss it,

you're dead meat.

Mark, do you still have that condom?

I can't hear ya, what? What is it? What? What?

I said, do you still have that con--

Do you have that glove, you know?

He's looking for his gloves. Oh, I hate that.

It's worse when you just lose one.

D.J., I have no idea where your gloves are.

Why don't you try the hall closet?

Oh, wait-- wait a minute, the the glove.

Oh, yeah, it's in my wallet.

Well, there's another package in Papa Bear's den.

The hell are you talking about?

Your dad's sock drawer. Papa Bear's den.

How do you know there's one there?

Everybody knows that's where bears stash them, man.

That's where me and Goldilocks used to find them all the time.

All right. No problem, Baby Bear. Later.

You're sure that everything's okay.

Yeah, D.J. just wanted a condom.

What?

[Ring announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight's lucky audience winner is...

Jackie Harris!

Are you ready to wrestle?

Whoa! Whoa!

Okay, boys, read 'em and weep.

Oh, no. [laughs]

Where in the world did you learn to play cards like that?

Oh, darling, please.

All those years I spent in Reno.

I mean, after the show is over,

there is nothing to do but play cards

or hit the buffets.

Well, you must give us a chance to win some of our money back.

What do you have in mind?

No, no more cards, please.

I'm gonna be seeing Queens in my sleep.

Well, now you sound like my Scotty.

Oh, will you be quiet?

You have quite a cheeky attitude.

Wait a minute. I have an idea.

I have an idea, boys.

How about we have a show-tune trivia challenge?

Yes! Hear, hear. That sounds like fun. Who goes first?

Me, me. No, Leon. Leon's wonderful.

I will. Okay, um...

Help me, honey. [whispers]

Yes. Good.

Um, what tune was cut from A Little Night Music?

"Out Of Town Tryouts," or "Broadway."

[both] Hello!

Damn, she is good!

Uh, anyone for martinis?

Great idea, Bev. I will make them. I will make them.

Scotty, are you having?

I thought you'd never ask. And you're only having one tonight, mister.

Mister Stick In the Mud.

How about you, Joycie?

You know what I'd love? A big, fat bourbon.

Ooh, you go, girl. How do you like it?

I like my whiskey like I like my women--

smooth bodied and, uh, well-aged.

Sock drawer, sock drawer, which one's the sock--

Ooh, I'm not thinking about my parents having sex.

I'm not thinking about my parents having sex.

Ho Ho. Ho Ho.

Ho Ho. Ugh.

"TV Guide 40th Anniversary Issue."

It's a special collector's edition?

Hey, my old water gun!

So that's where he put it.

Dad has his own TV remote in here?

What is that? Ugh.

"To my dearest Dan. Thanks for everything.

Julie Newmar."

Mmm. Julie Newmar.

♪ Never say-- ♪ Wait a minute, that's too low.

Wait, wait, wait! Find a new key!

♪ Ever since this world began ♪

Honey!

♪ There is nothing sadder than ♪

♪ A one-man woman ♪

♪ Looking for the man ♪

♪ Who got ♪

♪ Away ♪

[laughter]

That was fabulous, Joyce!

Oh, Leon!

You have a fabulous voice!

You should hear him sing "Don't Rain On My Parade."

Scott, please, please.

Oh, honey, you can come to the club and sing anytime you want.

No, no, you are the diva. I'm an amateur.

There is one star when you're on stage, darling.

That's it. You're it, sweetheart.

Who wants another martini?

Me! Me! I'll have two!

Listen, people.

Joyce, may be the singer--

[crash] Oh!

Leon, I told you!

Three is your limit tonight!

You remember what happened at the YMCA fund raiser.

Everyone was taking something off.

We haven't been allowed back in the Olympic pool since!

"Get that bottom off of there!" Oh, I hate that place!

I hate that place anyway.

That's where that man was so cruel.

Joyce may be the singer-- my hat's off to you--

Thank you. But can she dance?

[hums show tune]

Come on.

Come on, get in here, two feet.

[all humming drunkenly]

We got it! We got it! We should have a group!

Wonderful idea!

We could call ourselves Four Girls Four!

That's Girlz with a "z"!

Kill her, Jackie! Give her the eye gouge!

I used to be a cop! I used to be a cop!

[Jackie yells]

You put that-- That's it!

What are you doing?

All right, Jackie, let me in there!

Let me in there! Le me in!

[Mark yelling]

Jackie! Tag me, Jackie!

Jackie! Tag! Tag me!

Jackie, tag me!

Tag me, Jackie!

Tag me! Jackie! Jackie!

D.J., is something wrong?

What?

You just keep on getting up and leaving me here.

Are you trying to tell me something?

No, I was just, you know--

D.J., D.J., um...

just so you know-- like, for future reference--

I have some condoms in my backpack.

You do?

Yeah, my mom makes me carry them around.

She says it makes her feel protected.

So-- so you ever use them?

No, I was actually kind of saving them.

You know, for something special.

That's a good idea.

I mean, some things ought to be special.

Yeah. So if you and I ever decide to use them,

I guess we'll be prepared.

So you won't have to go calling Mark

or looking through your dad's drawers.

That's good, because there's nothing but Ho Hos in there anyway.

D.J., you're not upset we didn't do anything tonight, are you?

No, actually, I'm kind of relieved.

Me, too.

It's getting late.

I'll walk you home.

No, that's okay. I got my bike.

Oh. Okay, well, call me as soon as you get there so I know you're okay.

All right.

To tell you the truth, Black Widow,

I always thought those professional wrestling matches were fake.

Yeah, that's true for the guys like Rowdy Roddy Piper,

but when we women fight, it's for real.

Well, I guess I know that now.

Hey, listen,

I'm sorry you didn't get a crack at me.

Oh, that's okay, I mean, if this stuff is real,

I can see why you wouldn't want to wrestle a guy anyway.

Oh, yeah? Let's go.

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

I carry most of my strength in my forearms.

I got 50,000 bucks on the Black Widow.

All right, Popeye, let's go.

Okay.

Now don't hold back 'cause I'm a woman.

Ow! Okay.

[grunts]

All right, you got me, buddy.

[gasping] Ah, chicks.

Get that for me, would you, D.J.?

I'd like to apologize for my family.

I'm sure every idiot who meets you wants to see if they can take you.

[light chuckle]

Hey, ev-- oh!

Oh, my God. Black Widow!

I've-- I saw you on TV.

Get up, Mark. I've always wanted to do this!

Okay. All right.

You ready? Yeah.

Go.

[both grunting]

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA