Original subtitles

♪♪ [harmonica]

This coffee's great. It's like regular coffee,

but, like, with the volume turned up.

Yeah, well, it's this Jamaican stuff

that Edgar told me about.

I think his dad used to own about half of Jamaica.

When did you start grinding your own beans?

Oh, you know, Edgar told me to do that.

He also said that you should keep the beans in the freezer.

Oh. I didn't know that.

Well, don't drink it yet

till I put the cinnamon in there

because, you know, that's what Edgar does.

He's really funny when he's making the coffee, you know.

He kind of hums all to himself.

He stands there, you know.

He's like, scoop, hmm, scoop, hmm.

Well, so you've been seeing a lot of Edgar lately.

No, I haven't!

Yeah, you have.

Yeah, you've been over at his place,

like, uh, every day since you met him.

That's working on the Wellman deal. God.

That's not, like, you know, Edgar--

Oh, Edgar...Edgar...

Edgar...Edgar.

[goofy laugh]

What? Well, what?

Look at it. You're-- You're--

You've said his name,

like, a dozen times already this morning.

Uh-uh. Yes, you have!

Do you have a problem with hearing the name Edgar?

No. I'm thinking, though,

that you might beginning to develop a little crush on the guy.

Oh!

Let's go drive by his house.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Look, Jackie, I think I'm a little too old

to have a crush on anybody.

That is so lame.

The guy is gorgeous, and you know it,

so just admit it.

No, he is.

He's...really cute, isn't he?

He kind of reminds me of, like, Gary Cooper or something,

one of those cowboy types that'd actually tip his hat

when he passes a lady.

Listen to you.

You're that far away from doodling his name

in your yearbook.

I'm just stating a fact.

The man is good-looking.

I mean, he's extremely good-looking.

I'm just trying to help you out here

because you are really vulnerable right now

with Dan being gone, and you're alone a lot.

Jackie, I don't do vulnerable.

Well, all right, fine, whatever.

But you don't have to admit that part of it.

Just let me give you a little piece of advice.

Take it slow.

Um, listen.

Once the whole Wellman deal is complete,

me and Edgar will probably

never even see each other again.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I mean, I might have to call him once or twice

to see how things are going.

I mean, I did give the guy $1 million.

♪♪ [dreamy orchestral]

You're a lucky man, Edgar.

I have money...

but I don't have what you've got.

Well, Roseanne, there are things that money can't buy.

Not very many.

Nice shot.

So... [clears throat]

I'll just read over the contract,

then sign it, then we're all set, huh?

Mm, well...

Listen, why don't you just not worry

your pretty little head about stuff like that

and just go right ahead and sign it?

Oh, no, if there's one thing my old man taught me,

it's to read something over before I sign it.

Let's see, "--through the fourth quarter...

compounded annually... parties obligated to..."

Wait a minute, what's this?

No, see, this doesn't even concern you at all.

Just go right ahead there. Sign it.

No, I must be reading this wrong,

because according to this,

after you give me the million bucks

and I pay off the bank loan,

I have to sleep with you.

So?

So that's not what we agreed to.

Hey, did you think I was just giving you the money?

How stupid do you think I am?

Roseanne, but-- Hey, hey, hey.

Money will come and go, okay?

But this night is going to last forever.

Now sign the damn thing and get them pants off!

♪♪ [dream orchestral]

Hey! [pop]

You were thinking about him just now, weren't you?

I was not!

I was thinking about, uh, doing the laundry!

Whose laundry?

Uh...

Ahh!

Hey, Deej, how you hittin' 'em?

How am I hitting what?

No, no, no.

It's another way of saying "How you doing?"

You know, they call it an allegory.

Can you-- Can you hand me that Phillips head?

Cheers.

Not so good. What?

I'm not... hitting them so good.

Yeah, I know when I was your age, man, I had a lot on my mind.

Then I got a little older, and it went away.

So what's up there, big guy?

Well... um, it's Heather.

We've been hanging out for a while now,

everything's going great, we really like each other--

Stop right there, kid. You came to the right guy.

I know women. I married one.

I've been up and down that road.

Busted a couple of tires, even broke an axle or two.

Can we skip the analogies and get to the point?

Hey, hey, look, I'm just trying to help you out here, kid.

Women are tricky and you're still wet behind the neck.

Sorry.

Look, it's all right, all right?

I want to help you, okay?

But I don't want to waste my valuable time

unless you really, really like this girl.

Yeah, I do. I really, really do.

Okay, so what's the problem?

All right, she went to Chicago with her mother,

and didn't even tell me till the day before.

Come on, she's 15 year old. Give her a break.

She's still gotta do what her mother says.

Yeah, I know, but there's other stuff.

Like when we go out, she always wants to pick where we go.

Well, who cares as long as you're out with her

and she's looking good?

Okay.

I guess what gets me, she's all opinionated.

Doesn't even care if I agree with her or not.

Dump her.

There's more to this Edgar thing than you're letting on.

Okay.

Okay, just-- just have a seat.

I'm going to tell you something,

and I do not want you to freak out or smirk at me

or pop out your eyes or any of that weird stuff.

Okay, okay. Just sitting.

Maybe I do... have a crush on him.

Shut up!

Sorry. You know...

No reaction. No reaction.

Maybe I do have feelings for him,

and it's freaking me out because I still love Dan

and I still think I hear him in the house here.

Okay, let me say--

Uh, let me ask one question.

You better be careful.

Does...Edgar know that you feel this way?

No!

Of course he doesn't because whenever I'm with him,

I just babble like an idiot and stare at his teeth.

I mean, the guy's been everywhere, he's done everything.

He's been around the world.

I know. See, that's my point, you see?

What I'm thinking now, he's sown his wild oats.

Now he might be looking for something

a little more earthy.

What's that, a nice way of saying fat?

No, see. Okay. This--

All right, now, you love Dan,

and yet you're attracted to Edgar.

So this becomes the question.

Do you encourage that with Edgar

and open up that whole can of worms,

or do you shut out all your feelings about Edgar

and hold everything down deep inside to be buried for the rest of your days?

And then, do you live with that--

Put a lid on it, okay? Yeah.

Because you're making me even more scared than I was

when I first talked to you.

I mean, the last time I went out with somebody,

it lasted for 25 years.

Well, see, that went pretty well, didn't it?

Did he ask you on a date?

No!

No. And I could never go on a date anyway.

That would be like going back in the work force

after your kids have gone off to college

or prison or wherever.

No, it's not that bad.

Yeah, it is. It's like a whole new technology.

It's like if you got trained on a typewriter

and now everybody's using computers.

I wouldn't even know where to put my fingers.

No, that would all come back to you.

But see, now what I'm thinking is...

you and Edgar actually have

a lot more in common than you realize.

The two of you saved Wellman Plastics together,

let alone the whole town.

Oh.

Yeah, well, I guess I never thought about it like that.

[tapping mic]

[Argentinean accent] May I present to you

the First Lady de Lanford, Rosita Duarte de Wellman.

[crowd cheering, applauding]

Workers of Wellman, I know your suffering.

I am one of you.

Or I was one of you until I got really rich

and could afford to buy all these cool gowns.

But the fact is the general and I

are turning over the factory to you, the workers!

[cheers, applause]

Don't cry for me, Wellman Plastics.

The fact is I finally bought you.

We're simple people with blue collars

who just happen to have 108

♪ Million dollars ♪

♪ Who just happen to have ♪

♪ $108 million ♪

Yeah, so, she-- she's independent,

and you don't want to dump her.

Your only choice: tame her.

Can you tell me how to do that?

Sure. I tamed your sister, didn't I?

And she's a Conner woman.

Let me tell you,

that ain't no freakin' night in France.

So what do I do?

All right, rule number uno:

don't let them dress you, okay?

Like, this one time, Becky wanted me

to wear this tie to this fancy restaurant.

I didn't.

So we get there, the maître d' doesn't let us in.

We get home, she runs to the bedroom crying,

I eat a TV dinner like I wanted to in the first place.

Weren't you worried she'd be mad?

Oh, no, no.

See, I smoothed things out later that night, huh?

Ah.

Which brings us to rule número two:

the man controls the romance.

Like how?

Uh, God, like say Becky's kissing me on the neck.

Even though I like it, I tell her I'm busy,

I shrug it off.

Okay, now, I don't get this.

You like it, so why do you pretend you don't?

It's all about control.

You gotta let her know that you're making the decisions here.

Later on, she's that much more eager.

Wow. Yeah.

Rule C.

If she says to you, "I love you," right?

whatever you do, you don't say it back to her,

because then she's got you.

Just say "me, too" or "ditto."

What does that get you?

Respect, all right?

And it'll make them try that much more harder next time.

Sure, they might get fed up with you once in a while,

cut you off, sometimes a week,

maybe two...

once even 46 days.

But the beauty part of it

is they're cutting themselves off, too, right?

So who's the loser there?

I'm not sure any of this stuff

is going to work on Heather, though.

Of course it will, man. All women are the same.

Of course, some have bigger boobs, eh, Mark?

Now you catching on, baby.

Well, I think that about does it.

The employee buyout at Wellman Plastics is complete.

Workers of the world unite.

It's Miller Time.

Uh, would you settle for, uh...champagne?

Whoa. I'm so impressed.

You got your own bucket thingy.

[chuckles]

You've done something great here, Roseanne.

Well, I figure I owed it to the factory.

After all, it did suck the life out of me for 12 years.

Well, that's all going to change now,

now that the employees are working for themselves.

I think we should have a toast.

Um-- Oh, I know.

To the people of Argentina.

What?

Oh, that's just some old saying in my family.

Oh.

So now that the whole buyout deal is complete,

I'll let you get back to whatever in the hell it was you were doing

before you started going around saving all these factories.

Oh, hey, this has been great.

You know, I, uh-- ahem--

I gotta tell you I've really enjoyed spending time with you.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, then, you know...

maybe we could still spend time together,

you know, if that's what we both kind of...

God, how many logs did you stick on that fire?

Yeah, I guess it is getting a little warm in here.

What were we talking about?

That we don't have to quit spending time together

because we've just finished our business.

Yeah, because you are really easy to be with.

So are you. Thanks.

No, really, I-- I've felt this connection with you.

You know much about Eastern philosophy?

No. Oh, you mean much?

No.

I lived in the ashram for a year,

and ever since we met,

I just had this feeling that--

this strange feeling that we've met somewhere before.

But, well, like-- Nah, this is silly. I--

No.

No, that's okay. You can keep going.

I'll just... have more to drink.

I think we must've known each other

in another lifetime.

I look into your eyes, and I see deeper

than the you that's sitting right here in front of me.

Does that make sense?

Well, yeah.

I mean, it-- it sounds okay when you say it.

If somebody else said it,

I'd think they were full of crap.

How come you never got married?

I don't know.

I guess I never found the right woman.

You certainly had a lot of opportunities, right?

I mean, look at you.

Sure, I've had opportunities,

but they were all on a superficial level.

I want something deeper.

I'll bet you feel that way sometimes.

Oh, yeah.

Only every single minute of my life.

I'm really tough on the outside

and everything, but, um...

I don't know.

I've always wondered what it would be like

just for one day to be that girl

that all the guys are staring at.

You know? Mm.

The one that they can't take their eyes off of.

I've never told anybody that before.

Wow. Thanks for taking me into your confidence.

I'm honored, Roseanne.

God, it's been so great working with you, Edgar.

It's just been great.

♪♪ [harp]

Roseanne, I can't take my eyes off of you.

♪♪ [fanfare]

[keys jingling]

Where have you been?

It's 4:00 in the morning. For all I know,

you could've been rolled in a ditch somewhere.

I was just about to start to call hospitals.

Hey, be quiet, okay?

You're going to wake everybody in the whole house.

Hospitals? This is Lanford. There's only one hospital.

You had me worried sick.

Well, ground me

and take the car away for a month.

All right, what happened?

What hap-- Come-- Come here!

What'd he do?

Pump you full of booze and turn on the charm?

Do we have anything to eat around here?

Because I'm starving!

Oh, no!

All right, stop toying with me.

I want to know what happened, I want to know right now.

Oh, Jackie, Edgar is such a great person, you know?

He's nice, he's funny, he's really smart.

God, he's so good-looking.

Yeah, I know that. I-- Sit down!

You tell me the part that I don't know.

All right, well, you know, a part of me

just wanted to go ahead and just do it.

I even imagined the two of us together.

It was incredible.

I saw rockets lifting, I saw fireworks,

I saw waves crashing against the shore,

I saw great big trays of doughnuts!

It was awesome!

But it was all in my head.

But the part of me that was sitting there...

[scoffs] I just-- I just shook his hand,

and I stayed there talking for a couple of hours.

And you just walked away?

Wow.

I don't know, Jackie. I just couldn't.

I'm just an old married lady, you know?

Can't fool around. No.

Maybe if I would've met Edgar another time, another place--

you know, one of those stories.

But I didn't and it didn't,

and it doesn't and here I am, boom.

No regrets?

Yeah, I got a lot of regrets,

and I'm going to cherish every one of them.

Well, I'm going to go.

Oh, will you just stay with me, Jackie?

Because I know I'm not going to be able to sleep,

you know, for days, probably.

All right.

These are stale.

Jackie, Argentina, okay?

Is that the one with all the rainforests

or the one with all the Nazis?

Hey, Mark.

I took your advice about Heather.

Great. You don't have to thank me.

She called me a pig

and kicked me out of her house.

That's perfect!

You got her right where you want her.

She's going to call you tomorrow

and tell you that she's sorry.

She left a headless Ken doll in my locker!

Man, that's even better.

Deej, this girl really digs you.

No, I don't think so. I think she's really mad.

Of course she is. She's miserable.

She can't stop thinking about you.

Look, I'm the one who's miserable.

I'm going to call her and apologize.

Hey, kid. [whistles]

What are you, gay?

Look, we gotta think of ways to keep this thing going here.

Got it.

You walk by her house holding another girl's hand.

How do you come up with this stuff?

It's a gift.

[door slams]