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1
00:00:02,264 --> 00:00:03,497
♪♪ [harmonica]
2
00:00:08,437 --> 00:00:09,871
[baby burbling]
3
00:00:14,378 --> 00:00:18,413
25 years with a man,
and what have I got?
4
00:00:18,415 --> 00:00:21,916
Well, 108 million,
but he didn't
get that for me.
5
00:00:21,918 --> 00:00:24,419
Okay, four kids,
but that only counts
6
00:00:24,421 --> 00:00:27,155
for about eight minutes
of his time.
7
00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:28,490
You know what, Jerry?
8
00:00:28,492 --> 00:00:30,291
There's no reason
for me and you
9
00:00:30,293 --> 00:00:32,060
to ever have to
leave this bed.
10
00:00:32,062 --> 00:00:33,728
We'll be like
the grandparents
11
00:00:33,730 --> 00:00:36,398
in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
12
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:38,800
Long as we turn ourselves
over every couple of days,
13
00:00:38,802 --> 00:00:40,702
we won't get any bedsores.
14
00:00:42,572 --> 00:00:47,143
Okay, let's look
at predictions here
for the future.
15
00:00:49,713 --> 00:00:53,116
"Ellen DeGeneres
relocates to Beirut,
16
00:00:53,118 --> 00:00:55,852
"claims she really
is Lebanese.
17
00:00:55,854 --> 00:00:59,555
Sharon Stone finds out
her dad is really
Roy Rogers."
18
00:00:59,557 --> 00:01:00,656
Look at this.
19
00:01:00,658 --> 00:01:03,793
"Former ABC president
Ted Harbert
20
00:01:03,795 --> 00:01:06,963
reassigned to Euro Disney
as ticket-taker."
21
00:01:06,965 --> 00:01:08,064
[banging at door]
22
00:01:08,066 --> 00:01:10,467
[Jackie]
Roseanne, how you
doing in there?
23
00:01:10,469 --> 00:01:12,103
Hey, I made
a really nice lunch.
24
00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:13,904
You want to come out
and join us?
25
00:01:13,906 --> 00:01:15,206
You know the drill.
26
00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:17,375
Leave the food
and back away
from the door!
27
00:01:17,377 --> 00:01:20,277
[dishes shatter]
[footsteps retreating]
28
00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:29,586
♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪
29
00:01:29,588 --> 00:01:31,755
♪ We're gonna last longer ♪
30
00:01:31,757 --> 00:01:34,591
♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪
31
00:01:34,593 --> 00:01:37,761
♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪
32
00:01:37,763 --> 00:01:41,933
♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪
33
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:44,102
♪ While waiting for my turn ♪
34
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:47,105
♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪
35
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:50,275
♪ But you also get some sun ♪
36
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:54,279
♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪
37
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:57,115
♪ Hear what I say ♪
38
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:01,719
♪ Yeah, any day ♪
39
00:02:06,593 --> 00:02:08,194
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
40
00:02:17,372 --> 00:02:20,506
Wow, D.J., this is
amazing camera work.
41
00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,608
Thanks. It's the Elgin
Water Tower.
42
00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:24,410
But the angle's
so out there.
43
00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:25,545
How'd you
get that shot?
44
00:02:25,547 --> 00:02:27,580
Well, I strapped my legs
to the scaffolding
45
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:28,714
with, like,
five or six belts
46
00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:31,284
and just hung there
upside-down.
47
00:02:31,286 --> 00:02:33,353
It was pretty cool
for a while,
48
00:02:33,355 --> 00:02:36,624
till these guys started
swinging at me with a bat.
49
00:02:36,626 --> 00:02:39,660
He-he-hey,
look at my fort.
50
00:02:39,662 --> 00:02:41,328
A fort, David?
51
00:02:41,330 --> 00:02:42,963
You mean
the white man's station
52
00:02:42,965 --> 00:02:46,300
from which to ruthlessly
slaughter Native Americans?
53
00:02:47,803 --> 00:02:48,735
Andy?
54
00:02:52,542 --> 00:02:54,009
It's so ironic, you know?
55
00:02:54,011 --> 00:02:56,511
I mean, here you are
building your own
little world
56
00:02:56,513 --> 00:02:58,112
when your own universe
is collapsing
57
00:02:58,114 --> 00:02:59,180
right around you.
58
00:02:59,182 --> 00:03:00,547
Cool, I'll get
a fresh tape.
59
00:03:00,549 --> 00:03:02,483
No, no, no.
No cameras, D.J.
60
00:03:02,485 --> 00:03:03,818
[doorbell rings]
61
00:03:03,820 --> 00:03:06,153
You mother hasn't
had on make-up since Tuesday.
62
00:03:06,155 --> 00:03:07,556
Nancy. Oh, Leon!
63
00:03:07,558 --> 00:03:09,558
Oh, my God, I'm so glad
you guys are here.
Hi.
64
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,660
Jackie, you look terrible.
How's Roseanne?
65
00:03:11,662 --> 00:03:12,861
She's holed up
in the bedroom.
66
00:03:12,863 --> 00:03:15,830
She is beyond depressed.
I don't know what to do.
67
00:03:15,832 --> 00:03:17,232
Well, what's to do?
68
00:03:17,234 --> 00:03:19,134
I mean, isn't this
what we've always wanted?
69
00:03:19,136 --> 00:03:21,971
To isolate Roseanne
from society?
70
00:03:21,973 --> 00:03:25,473
Well, I, for one,
am lost without Roseanne.
71
00:03:25,475 --> 00:03:27,475
If I don't have her
to run my life,
72
00:03:27,477 --> 00:03:30,279
my life doesn't run.
73
00:03:30,281 --> 00:03:31,980
Yeah, I'm worried
about her, too.
74
00:03:31,982 --> 00:03:33,683
It's not that she hasn't
washed her hair
75
00:03:33,685 --> 00:03:35,184
or gotten out of bed
or anything.
76
00:03:35,186 --> 00:03:38,288
It's just that
she's...quiet.
77
00:03:38,290 --> 00:03:40,523
Has anyone seen Dan
or heard from him?
78
00:03:40,525 --> 00:03:41,690
He's still
at the airport hotel.
79
00:03:41,692 --> 00:03:43,160
I don't think
he's left town yet.
80
00:03:43,162 --> 00:03:45,195
Maybe somebody
should call him.
81
00:03:45,197 --> 00:03:46,563
Yeah? What for?
He's the jerk
82
00:03:46,565 --> 00:03:48,397
who made this happen
in the first place.
83
00:03:48,399 --> 00:03:50,767
D.J.,
that is not helping.
84
00:03:50,769 --> 00:03:52,669
She has been in there
for four days,
85
00:03:52,671 --> 00:03:54,070
stuffing herself sick
on junk food,
86
00:03:54,072 --> 00:03:55,705
and she has
no plans to leave.
87
00:03:55,707 --> 00:03:57,174
We've just got
to do something!
88
00:03:57,176 --> 00:03:58,908
There's really
only one choice.
89
00:03:58,910 --> 00:04:00,777
We have to do
an intervention.
90
00:04:02,248 --> 00:04:04,714
Uh, I don't know about that.
91
00:04:04,716 --> 00:04:07,617
If we all gang up
and then corner your mom...
92
00:04:07,619 --> 00:04:11,088
I mean, she does have
all her teeth, right?
93
00:04:12,391 --> 00:04:13,958
Okay.
94
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,392
I'm going to go in there,
95
00:04:15,394 --> 00:04:17,561
and I'm going to try
one last time to get her out,
96
00:04:17,563 --> 00:04:18,963
but I need backup.
97
00:04:18,965 --> 00:04:21,532
We'll be here for you.
98
00:04:23,437 --> 00:04:25,102
Unless, of course,
we go out for ice cream.
99
00:04:26,573 --> 00:04:28,339
God, this is so weird.
100
00:04:28,341 --> 00:04:31,143
Out of everybody,
Roseanne's usually
the strong one.
101
00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:33,311
I have to admit
that I counted on her.
102
00:04:33,313 --> 00:04:34,513
These past few months,
103
00:04:34,515 --> 00:04:36,448
with her and Jackie
just running all around,
104
00:04:36,450 --> 00:04:37,950
neglecting the diner,
105
00:04:37,952 --> 00:04:40,119
has been too much work
for Nancy and I.
106
00:04:40,121 --> 00:04:41,286
Who would have thought
107
00:04:41,288 --> 00:04:43,421
that Roseanne
actually did something?
108
00:04:43,423 --> 00:04:44,423
[door slams]
109
00:04:44,425 --> 00:04:46,524
I got the baby out!
110
00:04:48,195 --> 00:04:49,995
She put him down
to grab a doughnut.
111
00:04:52,467 --> 00:04:55,467
[spitting]
112
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:58,004
I know it comes naturally
to you Conners,
113
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:01,407
but why are you spitting
onto your plate?
114
00:05:01,409 --> 00:05:04,176
It's a peanut butter
and watermelon sandwich.
115
00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:06,512
I'm just spitting out
the seeds.
116
00:05:07,617 --> 00:05:09,081
Okay.
117
00:05:09,083 --> 00:05:10,483
All right,
let's focus up, people.
118
00:05:10,485 --> 00:05:13,252
Operation Thunderbolt
is about to commence.
119
00:05:13,254 --> 00:05:14,921
Operation what?
120
00:05:14,923 --> 00:05:16,456
Thunderbolt.
121
00:05:16,458 --> 00:05:18,992
You have to give it
a good name.
122
00:05:18,994 --> 00:05:19,993
David.
123
00:05:21,062 --> 00:05:23,330
You're our first man in.
124
00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:26,066
Oh.
125
00:05:26,068 --> 00:05:28,401
I'm honored. Wow.
126
00:05:28,403 --> 00:05:31,604
Uh, I want to thank you all
for your faith in me--
127
00:05:31,606 --> 00:05:32,706
All right, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
128
00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:34,708
Blah, blah, blah.
Hustle up, junior.
129
00:05:37,013 --> 00:05:38,345
Stay low.
130
00:05:38,347 --> 00:05:40,515
Remember, she favors
her right side.
131
00:05:40,517 --> 00:05:43,150
And godspeed!
132
00:05:43,152 --> 00:05:45,520
Hey, can you see
if she's got the horseradish
133
00:05:45,522 --> 00:05:47,456
while you're in there?
134
00:05:47,458 --> 00:05:51,025
Operation Thunderbolt.
I'm all tingly!
135
00:05:51,027 --> 00:05:53,594
[door slams]
[footsteps clamoring]
136
00:05:53,596 --> 00:05:56,298
I-- She--
Oh, my God!
137
00:05:57,935 --> 00:06:00,068
No, no. Sorry.
It's all right.
138
00:06:00,070 --> 00:06:02,104
It's all right, David.
It's okay.
139
00:06:02,106 --> 00:06:05,107
It's all right.
We knew she'd blow
the first one away.
140
00:06:05,109 --> 00:06:06,674
Just couldn't--
141
00:06:06,676 --> 00:06:09,911
could not afford to waste
one of our power hitters.
142
00:06:09,913 --> 00:06:11,780
Told you. Pay up.
143
00:06:14,119 --> 00:06:17,153
All right, all right.
I'll take care of this.
144
00:06:17,155 --> 00:06:19,922
[stuttering]
It was just horrible.
145
00:06:24,028 --> 00:06:25,694
She's been in there
for a while.
146
00:06:25,696 --> 00:06:26,962
That's a good sign.
147
00:06:26,964 --> 00:06:29,264
Darlene is carrying
Roseanne's grandchild.
148
00:06:29,266 --> 00:06:31,133
I mean,
You remember Alien 3.
149
00:06:31,135 --> 00:06:34,604
The monster did not
kill Sigourney Weaver
150
00:06:34,606 --> 00:06:37,274
because it was carrying
the baby alien.
151
00:06:37,276 --> 00:06:40,010
Darlene knows tough love.
152
00:06:40,012 --> 00:06:43,546
I've got one hell
of a good feeling
about this one.
153
00:06:46,185 --> 00:06:47,417
Time check.
154
00:06:47,419 --> 00:06:48,685
18 minutes.
155
00:06:48,687 --> 00:06:51,522
Too long!
Too long!
156
00:06:53,192 --> 00:06:58,296
She could've smothered Darlene
with the French bread,
157
00:06:58,298 --> 00:06:59,596
and we'd never know.
158
00:07:03,036 --> 00:07:05,502
It's a fiasco.
We failed.
159
00:07:05,504 --> 00:07:06,570
No, we didn't fail.
160
00:07:06,572 --> 00:07:08,472
We just haven't
quite succeeded.
161
00:07:08,474 --> 00:07:11,075
Which one of your little
happy chat gurus
162
00:07:11,077 --> 00:07:12,543
taught you
that little formula?
163
00:07:14,513 --> 00:07:19,050
We have got
to get Darlene
out of there!
164
00:07:19,052 --> 00:07:20,985
David, on your feet.
165
00:07:20,987 --> 00:07:24,054
Oh, no, see...
166
00:07:24,056 --> 00:07:26,257
you-- you can't make me
go back in there.
167
00:07:26,259 --> 00:07:30,963
I-I close my eyes.
I still see that...face!
168
00:07:30,965 --> 00:07:33,765
She's your wife!
169
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,433
And you've been her aunt
170
00:07:35,435 --> 00:07:37,369
longer than I've
been her husband.
171
00:07:38,906 --> 00:07:41,373
Let's draw straws.
172
00:07:51,653 --> 00:07:52,686
Grrr!
173
00:08:05,535 --> 00:08:08,401
Well, we're in day 4
of the Lanford standoff.
174
00:08:10,105 --> 00:08:13,307
This could be
a bitter winter.
175
00:08:13,309 --> 00:08:15,242
Hey, I got an idea.
176
00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,844
We could turn
the thermostat up
real high in her room
177
00:08:17,846 --> 00:08:20,281
and sweat her out.
178
00:08:20,283 --> 00:08:24,818
Oh, no. She might want
to take off her clothes.
179
00:08:24,820 --> 00:08:27,989
And that is something
we just do not need to see.
180
00:08:27,991 --> 00:08:31,192
Okay. Why don't we do
181
00:08:31,194 --> 00:08:33,294
what they did
to the people in Waco?
182
00:08:33,296 --> 00:08:35,497
We blast annoying noise.
183
00:08:35,499 --> 00:08:39,066
One choice there.
Tori Amos.
184
00:08:40,570 --> 00:08:42,170
I love her!
185
00:08:42,172 --> 00:08:44,672
How about
one of those awful
186
00:08:44,674 --> 00:08:46,674
Gloria Gaynor albums
from the '70s?
187
00:08:46,676 --> 00:08:50,645
Honey, Gloria Gaynor
was a goddess.
188
00:08:50,647 --> 00:08:54,683
No, no, it's gotta be
something hideous,
something nerve-racking,
189
00:08:54,685 --> 00:08:57,386
something that'll drive her
to the breaking point.
190
00:08:57,388 --> 00:08:59,522
Mom!
191
00:09:01,726 --> 00:09:04,293
We put Mom's voice on tape,
192
00:09:04,295 --> 00:09:07,397
and we blast it
through the heating ducts!
193
00:09:07,399 --> 00:09:09,798
Didn't they try that
on Noriega?
194
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,467
Yeah, but they didn't
have Grandma,
195
00:09:11,469 --> 00:09:12,768
so it didn't work.
196
00:09:12,770 --> 00:09:15,938
No! Wait, I forgot.
197
00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:20,276
Mom's on a cruise
with her bingo partner.
198
00:09:20,278 --> 00:09:23,079
All right,
I'm going in.
199
00:09:23,081 --> 00:09:25,482
Hey, what've I got to lose?
200
00:09:25,484 --> 00:09:28,752
I've already lived
20 years longer than Jesus.
201
00:09:30,789 --> 00:09:32,656
[knocking at door]
202
00:09:32,658 --> 00:09:35,659
No housekeeping today.
203
00:09:37,129 --> 00:09:39,863
Oh...look at you.
204
00:09:39,865 --> 00:09:43,166
Two days short
of a Dick Gregory
intervention.
205
00:09:45,504 --> 00:09:47,170
What are you doing here,
Leon?
206
00:09:47,172 --> 00:09:48,907
I'm really not in the mood
207
00:09:48,909 --> 00:09:51,376
for your almost
clever repartee.
208
00:09:51,378 --> 00:09:52,443
I'm sorry, Roseanne.
209
00:09:52,445 --> 00:09:54,812
I just enjoy
seeing you depressed.
210
00:09:54,814 --> 00:09:56,947
Here, I brought you
some protein
211
00:09:56,949 --> 00:10:00,051
so you can stave off
the diabetic coma.
212
00:10:02,222 --> 00:10:04,957
Dear God, that stinks
worse than fish.
213
00:10:04,959 --> 00:10:05,957
What is it?
214
00:10:05,959 --> 00:10:08,226
It's fish.
215
00:10:08,228 --> 00:10:12,296
It's line-caught skate wing
with a side of guava chutney,
216
00:10:12,298 --> 00:10:14,999
and it is all the rage
on the East Coast.
217
00:10:15,001 --> 00:10:17,101
I don't know how
to tell you this, Leon,
218
00:10:17,103 --> 00:10:19,438
but I think you've
breaded the bait.
219
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:24,509
Roseanne,
I am not prone to scenes
of personal confession,
220
00:10:24,511 --> 00:10:27,246
but I have walked
through a forest
221
00:10:27,248 --> 00:10:29,015
of deep depression myself.
222
00:10:29,017 --> 00:10:33,152
Actually, Leon, I don't think
you have the slightest clue
223
00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:34,420
about what I'm feeling.
224
00:10:34,422 --> 00:10:37,356
Roseanne, I once spent
two weeks on a waterbed
225
00:10:37,358 --> 00:10:39,391
listening to Jim Croce
226
00:10:39,393 --> 00:10:41,092
when my wife left me.
227
00:10:42,262 --> 00:10:44,363
You were married before?
Yes. Yes.
228
00:10:44,365 --> 00:10:46,131
To a woman?
[chuckles]
Yes.
229
00:10:47,302 --> 00:10:49,402
And if she hadn't
insisted on sex,
230
00:10:49,404 --> 00:10:51,738
we'd probably
still be married.
231
00:10:53,107 --> 00:10:54,674
How come you never
told me that?
232
00:10:54,676 --> 00:10:56,109
Well, because
everything in my life
233
00:10:56,111 --> 00:10:58,144
is just grist
for your ridicule mill.
234
00:10:59,548 --> 00:11:02,215
Roseanne, the point
I'm trying to make
235
00:11:02,217 --> 00:11:04,918
is that I have been
in your shoes,
236
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,455
albeit a much more
stylish pair.
237
00:11:09,225 --> 00:11:12,627
And I didn't wait
till I felt better
to get up.
238
00:11:12,629 --> 00:11:15,828
I got up, and that
made me feel better.
239
00:11:15,830 --> 00:11:18,699
Hmm?
Nah.
240
00:11:18,701 --> 00:11:21,035
Well, how about this?
241
00:11:21,037 --> 00:11:24,039
I haven't had
a decent argument
in a week.
242
00:11:24,041 --> 00:11:26,107
Nah.
243
00:11:26,109 --> 00:11:29,811
Roseanne, if you don't
get out of that bed,
244
00:11:29,813 --> 00:11:32,146
I am going to crawl
in there with you.
245
00:11:34,251 --> 00:11:36,484
Yes, I am.
246
00:11:36,486 --> 00:11:40,088
I finally got Jerry and Andy
down for their naps.
247
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:42,992
Had to wait for Jerry's
sugar crash to kick in.
248
00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:45,560
Leon's been in there
since 1:00.
249
00:11:45,562 --> 00:11:46,561
What time is it now?
250
00:11:46,563 --> 00:11:48,363
1:18.
1:12.
1:45.
251
00:11:48,365 --> 00:11:50,365
Oh.
[sighs]
252
00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:54,870
Great. I guess we all forgot
to synchronize our watches.
253
00:11:54,872 --> 00:12:00,576
Well, the good news
is I'm going to learn
254
00:12:00,578 --> 00:12:03,412
how to get guava chutney
out of cashmere.
255
00:12:05,583 --> 00:12:07,084
I want to go next.
256
00:12:07,086 --> 00:12:08,853
Why if you don't have to?
257
00:12:08,855 --> 00:12:10,152
I've got to meet her.
258
00:12:10,154 --> 00:12:11,988
All these people
are freaking out.
259
00:12:11,990 --> 00:12:13,422
I haven't seen
this kind of rallying
260
00:12:13,424 --> 00:12:16,727
since Tim Larry was going
to commit suicide online.
261
00:12:16,729 --> 00:12:19,062
All right, but not now.
It's too dangerous.
262
00:12:19,064 --> 00:12:20,096
Oh, come on.
263
00:12:20,098 --> 00:12:21,432
We'll go around
the side of the house
264
00:12:21,434 --> 00:12:22,632
so you can peek
through the bushes.
265
00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:25,636
Oh, for God's sakes,
I'm a 14-year-old woman!
266
00:12:25,638 --> 00:12:27,103
I'm going in.
267
00:12:33,713 --> 00:12:34,946
Hi, I'm Heather.
268
00:12:34,948 --> 00:12:36,447
Hi.
269
00:12:36,449 --> 00:12:38,215
Out.
270
00:12:38,217 --> 00:12:40,818
No, no, wait.
I'm a friend of D.J.'s
271
00:12:40,820 --> 00:12:43,788
Oh. Oh, yeah.
272
00:12:43,790 --> 00:12:45,690
Yeah, you're the one
he's talking about.
273
00:12:45,692 --> 00:12:48,892
Well, he's got
a lot of good things
to say about you.
274
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:50,695
Very nice to meet you.
275
00:12:50,697 --> 00:12:51,962
Out.
276
00:12:51,964 --> 00:12:53,264
No, no, wait.
277
00:12:53,266 --> 00:12:54,799
I really need
to talk to you.
278
00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:56,001
I'm worried about D.J.
279
00:12:56,003 --> 00:12:58,136
He's really, really
concerned about you.
280
00:12:58,138 --> 00:13:00,039
Why? I'm going to be okay.
281
00:13:00,041 --> 00:13:02,407
It's not like I'm going
to die or anything.
282
00:13:02,409 --> 00:13:03,809
Well, okay.
283
00:13:07,314 --> 00:13:09,482
Anything else?
284
00:13:09,484 --> 00:13:11,717
Yeah, well, I really
did want to meet you.
285
00:13:11,719 --> 00:13:13,953
Oh, good. Now you have.
286
00:13:13,955 --> 00:13:15,955
And on the way out,
why don't you ask my sister
287
00:13:15,957 --> 00:13:18,323
to give you
a lovely parting gift?
288
00:13:18,325 --> 00:13:20,359
You know what?
289
00:13:20,361 --> 00:13:21,860
This really takes me back.
290
00:13:21,862 --> 00:13:24,497
This is exactly
how my mom spent the '80s.
291
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:25,999
Oh, really?
292
00:13:26,001 --> 00:13:27,533
Was she sick?
293
00:13:27,535 --> 00:13:30,837
No, she was exactly
like you are now,
but all the time.
294
00:13:30,839 --> 00:13:35,742
Did any annoying little girls
come in and gawk at her?
295
00:13:35,744 --> 00:13:36,943
I don't know.
296
00:13:36,945 --> 00:13:38,778
You'll have to
ask her herself.
297
00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:40,313
So what are you
going to do,
298
00:13:40,315 --> 00:13:42,281
stay in bed for the rest
of your life?
299
00:13:42,283 --> 00:13:45,452
No, actually, only till
the mother ship comes back,
300
00:13:45,454 --> 00:13:48,421
and then I'm out of here.
301
00:13:48,423 --> 00:13:49,722
What are you going to do,
302
00:13:49,724 --> 00:13:52,059
O.D. on Ho Hos just because
your husband left you?
303
00:13:52,061 --> 00:13:54,662
These are not Ho Hos.
304
00:13:54,664 --> 00:13:57,464
[scoffs]
305
00:13:57,466 --> 00:14:01,402
These are Little Debbies.
306
00:14:01,404 --> 00:14:03,337
Whatever.
307
00:14:03,339 --> 00:14:06,474
No, no, there is
a big difference,
believe me.
308
00:14:09,879 --> 00:14:11,912
So you think D.J.'s
really worried about me?
309
00:14:11,914 --> 00:14:12,981
Well, yeah.
310
00:14:12,983 --> 00:14:14,415
Well,
you better get out there
311
00:14:14,417 --> 00:14:15,682
and check on him, then.
312
00:14:17,188 --> 00:14:19,386
You know, whether you
like it or not,
313
00:14:19,388 --> 00:14:21,056
we all really
need you out there,
314
00:14:21,058 --> 00:14:24,225
so why don't you come out
when you stop feeling
sorry for yourself?
315
00:14:24,227 --> 00:14:25,259
Bye.
316
00:14:26,563 --> 00:14:27,563
How'd it go?
317
00:14:27,565 --> 00:14:30,065
I tanked.
318
00:14:30,067 --> 00:14:31,733
I'm here now, honey.
319
00:14:31,735 --> 00:14:34,270
You have got to get
out of my face.
320
00:14:34,272 --> 00:14:35,336
Unless there's food in there.
321
00:14:35,338 --> 00:14:36,839
I tried to order a pizza,
322
00:14:36,841 --> 00:14:39,309
but they wouldn't deliver
through the window.
323
00:14:39,311 --> 00:14:41,710
The only food you need
is spiritual.
324
00:14:41,712 --> 00:14:46,582
I brought crystals,
healing music,
325
00:14:46,584 --> 00:14:50,351
books that contain
the spiritual wisdom
of the universe:
326
00:14:50,353 --> 00:14:52,356
the Mahabharata,
the Tao Te Ching,
327
00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:54,324
the Kabbalah,
the Torah,
328
00:14:54,326 --> 00:14:56,559
the New Testament,
and the Qur'an.
329
00:14:56,561 --> 00:14:58,194
♪♪ [sitar on tape]
330
00:14:58,196 --> 00:15:01,497
How long were you planning
on staying in here, Nancy?
331
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:07,170
This crystal has
very powerful qualities.
332
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,810
And this candle represents
the light of God.
333
00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:16,913
We set it here,
knowing that the darkness
334
00:15:16,915 --> 00:15:19,149
will disappear into the light.
335
00:15:19,151 --> 00:15:23,254
If I blow that out,
will you disappear
into the kitchen?
336
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,957
Roseanne,
this is all about healing.
337
00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:29,060
It's not just about Dan.
338
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:31,161
It's about the anger,
the abrasiveness,
339
00:15:31,163 --> 00:15:33,965
the harshness that has
been eating you alive,
340
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,868
the poison that's been running
through your spirit for years.
341
00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:40,972
Nancy, that is my spirit.
342
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:50,315
Feel a sensation
of calmness and compassion
343
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:51,882
wash over you.
344
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,620
Can you feel it?
345
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:58,725
Oh, yeah, definitely.
346
00:15:58,727 --> 00:16:00,491
Good.
347
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:03,830
Because we all
need you, Roseanne.
348
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:06,264
Leon and I need you
back at the diner.
349
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:08,801
I know it doesn't mean
that much to you anymore,
350
00:16:08,803 --> 00:16:12,438
but for Leon and I,
it's-- it's our only income.
351
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,873
Could we maybe
discuss business
352
00:16:14,875 --> 00:16:17,076
when I'm feeling
a little bit better?
353
00:16:17,078 --> 00:16:18,577
Sure.
354
00:16:18,579 --> 00:16:21,714
Great. Well, come back
in about a year or so.
355
00:16:21,716 --> 00:16:24,718
Do not despair, Roseanne.
356
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,020
God works
in mysterious ways.
357
00:16:29,925 --> 00:16:32,393
Thanks for the crystal.
358
00:16:32,395 --> 00:16:34,160
[expels breath]
359
00:16:34,162 --> 00:16:35,629
Okay, kids.
360
00:16:35,631 --> 00:16:38,431
Your mother needs a clearing
like nobody's business.
361
00:16:38,433 --> 00:16:39,866
I'm going to throw
some crystals,
362
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:42,169
do a little chanting,
and if I have anything left,
363
00:16:42,171 --> 00:16:44,104
I'm going to do a Yadna
and throw some
364
00:16:44,106 --> 00:16:45,506
of your father's clothes
into a fire.
365
00:16:47,844 --> 00:16:51,444
It's imperative
for the next five minutes
366
00:16:51,446 --> 00:16:54,582
that no one have
any negative thoughts.
367
00:16:54,584 --> 00:16:56,184
Freak.
368
00:16:58,255 --> 00:16:59,353
Hey, Mark.
369
00:16:59,355 --> 00:17:02,324
I got no time to say
hi to you, pal.
370
00:17:02,326 --> 00:17:06,028
I gotta talk to Mrs. Conner.
Now, where is she?
371
00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:10,498
Hello!
The woman's been in bed
for the past four days!
372
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:12,666
Believe me, it's not
a very pretty sight.
373
00:17:12,668 --> 00:17:15,837
The woman is-- you know,
she's crippled by heartache.
374
00:17:15,839 --> 00:17:17,739
She may never be whole again.
375
00:17:17,741 --> 00:17:20,776
Lord knows
I've been there.
376
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:22,845
I gotta go talk to her.
377
00:17:22,847 --> 00:17:24,180
Go for it.
378
00:17:24,182 --> 00:17:27,716
We've tried everything else.
Maybe gibberish will work.
379
00:17:27,718 --> 00:17:29,752
Damn right it will,
and I want you all to come in
380
00:17:29,754 --> 00:17:31,586
and hear what I have
to say to her, okay?
381
00:17:31,588 --> 00:17:33,655
Well, come on, team!
It's full court press time!
382
00:17:33,657 --> 00:17:35,158
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
383
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,893
Get in there!
384
00:17:40,032 --> 00:17:43,834
What in the hell is this,
the grand finale?
385
00:17:43,836 --> 00:17:46,436
Mrs. Conner, I have
something to tell you.
386
00:17:46,438 --> 00:17:48,972
Now, I put two and two
together and--
387
00:17:48,974 --> 00:17:50,507
well, here's what
I came up with, okay?
388
00:17:52,778 --> 00:17:55,112
Mr. Conner doesn't
want to leave town.
389
00:17:55,114 --> 00:17:56,946
Mark, don't toy
with the woman.
390
00:17:56,948 --> 00:17:58,416
She's hanging on
by a thread.
391
00:17:58,418 --> 00:17:59,615
No, wait a minute,
Jackie.
392
00:17:59,617 --> 00:18:00,817
He goes to the airport,
393
00:18:00,819 --> 00:18:02,485
and he doesn't get
on his plane.
394
00:18:02,487 --> 00:18:04,388
And instead of checking
on the next flight,
395
00:18:04,390 --> 00:18:06,522
he checks into
an airport hotel--
even weirder.
396
00:18:06,524 --> 00:18:09,427
You know,
come to think of it,
397
00:18:09,429 --> 00:18:11,430
Scott thought
he saw him at the mall,
398
00:18:11,432 --> 00:18:14,297
and he was buying
a winter coat.
399
00:18:14,299 --> 00:18:16,467
Now, does that sound
like a guy going
to California?
400
00:18:16,469 --> 00:18:17,968
Sure doesn't.
Exactly.
401
00:18:17,970 --> 00:18:19,237
So, I figured this is a guy
402
00:18:19,239 --> 00:18:21,005
just looking for
an excuse to stay,
403
00:18:21,007 --> 00:18:22,140
so I started brainstorming.
404
00:18:24,644 --> 00:18:27,813
No wonder you look
a little flushed.
405
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:30,081
Here's what
I came up with,
all right?
406
00:18:30,083 --> 00:18:31,749
I called Dan, and I told him
407
00:18:31,751 --> 00:18:33,251
that he signed
a government contract
408
00:18:33,253 --> 00:18:34,686
for that big prison
construction job.
409
00:18:34,688 --> 00:18:36,855
If he doesn't show up,
we lose the job!
410
00:18:36,857 --> 00:18:39,289
I hate to be
a wet blanket here, Mark,
411
00:18:39,291 --> 00:18:41,293
but anyone can get
out of a contract.
412
00:18:41,295 --> 00:18:43,161
Yeah, if he wants to.
413
00:18:44,398 --> 00:18:45,863
You know what it means.
414
00:18:45,865 --> 00:18:49,801
Dan is staying here
for you, Roseanne.
415
00:18:49,803 --> 00:18:52,971
Wow, so come on,
Mrs. Conner, get up.
416
00:18:52,973 --> 00:18:54,473
Come on,
I'll start the shower.
417
00:18:54,475 --> 00:18:57,543
Yeah!
What do you say?
418
00:18:57,545 --> 00:19:00,346
Um, well, I need some time
to sort this out,
419
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,248
which I cannot do
with all of you
420
00:19:02,250 --> 00:19:03,883
sitting there
just staring at me.
421
00:19:03,885 --> 00:19:06,853
Can you just get out
and leave me alone, please?
422
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:18,999
You know, I thought for sure
I would've got through to her.
423
00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:21,500
You had to suggest
a shower.
424
00:19:21,502 --> 00:19:22,735
Thanks a lot,
everybody.
425
00:19:22,737 --> 00:19:24,271
You gave it
your best shot.
426
00:19:24,273 --> 00:19:25,372
[door opens]
427
00:19:26,943 --> 00:19:29,209
My God, Mrs. Conner,
you're out.
428
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:30,578
All right, back, back!
429
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:32,280
Everybody, back!
430
00:19:32,282 --> 00:19:33,548
Come on, no touching!
431
00:19:33,550 --> 00:19:34,982
She's like a zoo animal.
432
00:19:34,984 --> 00:19:37,550
If she runs behind a bush,
we'll never see her again.
433
00:19:39,455 --> 00:19:41,856
I would just like
to apologize to everybody
434
00:19:41,858 --> 00:19:43,724
for shutting you out
like that.
435
00:19:43,726 --> 00:19:45,626
Oh, we understand.
Right, guys?
436
00:19:45,628 --> 00:19:47,095
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sure.
437
00:19:47,097 --> 00:19:48,897
Let me tell you
something.
438
00:19:48,899 --> 00:19:51,066
From this day forward,
things are going to change.
439
00:19:51,068 --> 00:19:53,267
No more laying around
feeling sorry for myself.
440
00:19:53,269 --> 00:19:56,137
Dan or not, I am going
ahead with my life.
441
00:19:56,139 --> 00:19:57,439
I am moving forward.
442
00:19:57,441 --> 00:19:59,107
Which one
of my spiritual books
443
00:19:59,109 --> 00:20:01,177
turned you around?
444
00:20:01,179 --> 00:20:03,778
Was it
the Tony Robbins book?
445
00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:05,147
Actually, everybody
really helped me,
446
00:20:05,149 --> 00:20:07,716
but I have to say
most of all it was Mark,
447
00:20:07,718 --> 00:20:10,252
because that was just
a brilliant idea, Mark.
448
00:20:10,254 --> 00:20:13,789
I guess everybody
has one in a lifetime.
449
00:20:13,791 --> 00:20:15,257
That was nothing,
Mrs. Conner.
450
00:20:15,259 --> 00:20:18,694
Anyone with four days to kill
could've came up with it.
451
00:20:18,696 --> 00:20:20,929
The point is that
you've made me realize
452
00:20:20,931 --> 00:20:23,032
that I have got
to take care of business.
453
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:25,834
And, Jackie,
I think we should
just give up the diner.
454
00:20:25,836 --> 00:20:27,002
No argument there.
455
00:20:27,004 --> 00:20:28,837
I think we should just
turn over our shares
456
00:20:28,839 --> 00:20:30,240
to Leon and Nancy.
457
00:20:30,242 --> 00:20:32,442
Roseanne,
that is so great.
458
00:20:32,444 --> 00:20:33,743
W-Wait, wait a minute.
459
00:20:33,745 --> 00:20:35,946
Let me make sure
I understand
what you're saying.
460
00:20:35,948 --> 00:20:38,081
You are giving us
the diner,
461
00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:41,885
so we will be there
and you won't?
462
00:20:41,887 --> 00:20:44,688
Exactly, Leon.
463
00:20:44,690 --> 00:20:47,591
I want you guys to feel
what me and Jackie felt
464
00:20:47,593 --> 00:20:49,193
when we first
started that place.
465
00:20:49,195 --> 00:20:50,860
For the first time
we felt like
466
00:20:50,862 --> 00:20:52,529
we really controlled
our own destiny.
467
00:20:52,531 --> 00:20:53,730
Right.
We bought the diner,
468
00:20:53,732 --> 00:20:55,166
and then we worked
really hard
469
00:20:55,168 --> 00:20:56,366
to make
something of it.
470
00:20:56,368 --> 00:20:57,835
Yeah, it wasn't like
winning the lottery--
471
00:20:57,837 --> 00:20:59,103
you know, getting
something for nothing.
472
00:20:59,105 --> 00:21:00,738
We really earned that.
473
00:21:00,740 --> 00:21:02,472
You know, Mom,
you're all right.
474
00:21:02,474 --> 00:21:03,875
Hear, hear!
475
00:21:03,877 --> 00:21:05,676
This is the first
intervention
476
00:21:05,678 --> 00:21:07,245
I've actually seen work.
477
00:21:09,148 --> 00:21:12,317
You know, I know that
I've inspired you guys,
478
00:21:12,319 --> 00:21:15,287
but tonight you've
really all inspired me.
479
00:21:15,289 --> 00:21:18,523
I'm really touched
by everything
480
00:21:18,525 --> 00:21:20,358
that you did for me
here tonight.
481
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:23,228
I feel like
the richest woman
in all of Lanford,
482
00:21:23,230 --> 00:21:26,431
with or without
the money.
483
00:21:26,433 --> 00:21:28,100
I think I'll go
take a shower.
484
00:21:28,102 --> 00:21:31,035
[all cheering]
485
00:21:36,444 --> 00:21:39,110
Rosie, it's about
taking control of your life.
486
00:21:39,112 --> 00:21:40,979
It's about finding
a passion other than food.
487
00:21:40,981 --> 00:21:42,248
You gotta use
your personal power
488
00:21:42,250 --> 00:21:43,749
and turn things around!
489
00:21:43,751 --> 00:21:45,884
And if you're going to start
feeling better emotionally,
490
00:21:45,886 --> 00:21:47,553
you gotta take care
of our body.
491
00:21:47,555 --> 00:21:49,922
Let me tell you something.
We gotta start with your diet.
492
00:21:49,924 --> 00:21:51,924
I personally
am a strict vegetarian.
493
00:21:51,926 --> 00:21:52,925
How about you?
494
00:21:52,927 --> 00:21:54,294
What are we going
to do here?
495
00:21:54,296 --> 00:21:57,063
Well, Tony, you know...
496
00:21:57,065 --> 00:22:00,534
there's no meat
in a Ho Ho.
497
00:22:02,903 --> 00:22:04,438
Oh, cool.
You got me there.
498
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,307
Scoot over.
499
00:22:07,309 --> 00:22:08,775
Let's toast.
500
00:22:12,448 --> 00:22:15,382
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