Original subtitles

♪♪ [harmonica]

[baby burbling]

25 years with a man, and what have I got?

Well, 108 million, but he didn't get that for me.

Okay, four kids, but that only counts

for about eight minutes of his time.

You know what, Jerry?

There's no reason for me and you

to ever have to leave this bed.

We'll be like the grandparents

in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Long as we turn ourselves over every couple of days,

we won't get any bedsores.

Okay, let's look at predictions here for the future.

"Ellen DeGeneres relocates to Beirut,

"claims she really is Lebanese.

Sharon Stone finds out her dad is really Roy Rogers."

Look at this.

"Former ABC president Ted Harbert

reassigned to Euro Disney as ticket-taker."

[banging at door]

[Jackie] Roseanne, how you doing in there?

Hey, I made a really nice lunch.

You want to come out and join us?

You know the drill.

Leave the food and back away from the door!

[dishes shatter] [footsteps retreating]

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Wow, D.J., this is amazing camera work.

Thanks. It's the Elgin Water Tower.

But the angle's so out there.

How'd you get that shot?

Well, I strapped my legs to the scaffolding

with, like, five or six belts

and just hung there upside-down.

It was pretty cool for a while,

till these guys started swinging at me with a bat.

He-he-hey, look at my fort.

A fort, David?

You mean the white man's station

from which to ruthlessly slaughter Native Americans?

Andy?

It's so ironic, you know?

I mean, here you are building your own little world

when your own universe is collapsing

right around you.

Cool, I'll get a fresh tape.

No, no, no. No cameras, D.J.

[doorbell rings]

You mother hasn't had on make-up since Tuesday.

Nancy. Oh, Leon!

Oh, my God, I'm so glad you guys are here. Hi.

Jackie, you look terrible. How's Roseanne?

She's holed up in the bedroom.

She is beyond depressed. I don't know what to do.

Well, what's to do?

I mean, isn't this what we've always wanted?

To isolate Roseanne from society?

Well, I, for one, am lost without Roseanne.

If I don't have her to run my life,

my life doesn't run.

Yeah, I'm worried about her, too.

It's not that she hasn't washed her hair

or gotten out of bed or anything.

It's just that she's...quiet.

Has anyone seen Dan or heard from him?

He's still at the airport hotel.

I don't think he's left town yet.

Maybe somebody should call him.

Yeah? What for? He's the jerk

who made this happen in the first place.

D.J., that is not helping.

She has been in there for four days,

stuffing herself sick on junk food,

and she has no plans to leave.

We've just got to do something!

There's really only one choice.

We have to do an intervention.

Uh, I don't know about that.

If we all gang up and then corner your mom...

I mean, she does have all her teeth, right?

Okay.

I'm going to go in there,

and I'm going to try one last time to get her out,

but I need backup.

We'll be here for you.

Unless, of course, we go out for ice cream.

God, this is so weird.

Out of everybody, Roseanne's usually the strong one.

I have to admit that I counted on her.

These past few months,

with her and Jackie just running all around,

neglecting the diner,

has been too much work for Nancy and I.

Who would have thought

that Roseanne actually did something?

[door slams]

I got the baby out!

She put him down to grab a doughnut.

[spitting]

I know it comes naturally to you Conners,

but why are you spitting onto your plate?

It's a peanut butter and watermelon sandwich.

I'm just spitting out the seeds.

Okay.

All right, let's focus up, people.

Operation Thunderbolt is about to commence.

Operation what?

Thunderbolt.

You have to give it a good name.

David.

You're our first man in.

Oh.

I'm honored. Wow.

Uh, I want to thank you all for your faith in me--

All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Blah, blah, blah. Hustle up, junior.

Stay low.

Remember, she favors her right side.

And godspeed!

Hey, can you see if she's got the horseradish

while you're in there?

Operation Thunderbolt. I'm all tingly!

[door slams] [footsteps clamoring]

I-- She-- Oh, my God!

No, no. Sorry. It's all right.

It's all right, David. It's okay.

It's all right. We knew she'd blow the first one away.

Just couldn't--

could not afford to waste one of our power hitters.

Told you. Pay up.

All right, all right. I'll take care of this.

[stuttering] It was just horrible.

She's been in there for a while.

That's a good sign.

Darlene is carrying Roseanne's grandchild.

I mean, You remember Alien 3.

The monster did not kill Sigourney Weaver

because it was carrying the baby alien.

Darlene knows tough love.

I've got one hell of a good feeling about this one.

Time check.

18 minutes.

Too long! Too long!

She could've smothered Darlene with the French bread,

and we'd never know.

It's a fiasco. We failed.

No, we didn't fail.

We just haven't quite succeeded.

Which one of your little happy chat gurus

taught you that little formula?

We have got to get Darlene out of there!

David, on your feet.

Oh, no, see...

you-- you can't make me go back in there.

I-I close my eyes. I still see that...face!

She's your wife!

And you've been her aunt

longer than I've been her husband.

Let's draw straws.

Grrr!

Well, we're in day 4 of the Lanford standoff.

This could be a bitter winter.

Hey, I got an idea.

We could turn the thermostat up real high in her room

and sweat her out.

Oh, no. She might want to take off her clothes.

And that is something we just do not need to see.

Okay. Why don't we do

what they did to the people in Waco?

We blast annoying noise.

One choice there. Tori Amos.

I love her!

How about one of those awful

Gloria Gaynor albums from the '70s?

Honey, Gloria Gaynor was a goddess.

No, no, it's gotta be something hideous, something nerve-racking,

something that'll drive her to the breaking point.

Mom!

We put Mom's voice on tape,

and we blast it through the heating ducts!

Didn't they try that on Noriega?

Yeah, but they didn't have Grandma,

so it didn't work.

No! Wait, I forgot.

Mom's on a cruise with her bingo partner.

All right, I'm going in.

Hey, what've I got to lose?

I've already lived 20 years longer than Jesus.

[knocking at door]

No housekeeping today.

Oh...look at you.

Two days short of a Dick Gregory intervention.

What are you doing here, Leon?

I'm really not in the mood

for your almost clever repartee.

I'm sorry, Roseanne.

I just enjoy seeing you depressed.

Here, I brought you some protein

so you can stave off the diabetic coma.

Dear God, that stinks worse than fish.

What is it?

It's fish.

It's line-caught skate wing with a side of guava chutney,

and it is all the rage on the East Coast.

I don't know how to tell you this, Leon,

but I think you've breaded the bait.

Roseanne, I am not prone to scenes of personal confession,

but I have walked through a forest

of deep depression myself.

Actually, Leon, I don't think you have the slightest clue

about what I'm feeling.

Roseanne, I once spent two weeks on a waterbed

listening to Jim Croce

when my wife left me.

You were married before? Yes. Yes.

To a woman? [chuckles] Yes.

And if she hadn't insisted on sex,

we'd probably still be married.

How come you never told me that?

Well, because everything in my life

is just grist for your ridicule mill.

Roseanne, the point I'm trying to make

is that I have been in your shoes,

albeit a much more stylish pair.

And I didn't wait till I felt better to get up.

I got up, and that made me feel better.

Hmm? Nah.

Well, how about this?

I haven't had a decent argument in a week.

Nah.

Roseanne, if you don't get out of that bed,

I am going to crawl in there with you.

Yes, I am.

I finally got Jerry and Andy down for their naps.

Had to wait for Jerry's sugar crash to kick in.

Leon's been in there since 1:00.

What time is it now?

1:18. 1:12. 1:45.

Oh. [sighs]

Great. I guess we all forgot to synchronize our watches.

Well, the good news is I'm going to learn

how to get guava chutney out of cashmere.

I want to go next.

Why if you don't have to?

I've got to meet her.

All these people are freaking out.

I haven't seen this kind of rallying

since Tim Larry was going to commit suicide online.

All right, but not now. It's too dangerous.

Oh, come on.

We'll go around the side of the house

so you can peek through the bushes.

Oh, for God's sakes, I'm a 14-year-old woman!

I'm going in.

Hi, I'm Heather.

Hi.

Out.

No, no, wait. I'm a friend of D.J.'s

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're the one he's talking about.

Well, he's got a lot of good things to say about you.

Very nice to meet you.

Out.

No, no, wait.

I really need to talk to you.

I'm worried about D.J.

He's really, really concerned about you.

Why? I'm going to be okay.

It's not like I'm going to die or anything.

Well, okay.

Anything else?

Yeah, well, I really did want to meet you.

Oh, good. Now you have.

And on the way out, why don't you ask my sister

to give you a lovely parting gift?

You know what?

This really takes me back.

This is exactly how my mom spent the '80s.

Oh, really?

Was she sick?

No, she was exactly like you are now, but all the time.

Did any annoying little girls come in and gawk at her?

I don't know.

You'll have to ask her herself.

So what are you going to do,

stay in bed for the rest of your life?

No, actually, only till the mother ship comes back,

and then I'm out of here.

What are you going to do,

O.D. on Ho Hos just because your husband left you?

These are not Ho Hos.

[scoffs]

These are Little Debbies.

Whatever.

No, no, there is a big difference, believe me.

So you think D.J.'s really worried about me?

Well, yeah.

Well, you better get out there

and check on him, then.

You know, whether you like it or not,

we all really need you out there,

so why don't you come out when you stop feeling sorry for yourself?

Bye.

How'd it go?

I tanked.

I'm here now, honey.

You have got to get out of my face.

Unless there's food in there.

I tried to order a pizza,

but they wouldn't deliver through the window.

The only food you need is spiritual.

I brought crystals, healing music,

books that contain the spiritual wisdom of the universe:

the Mahabharata, the Tao Te Ching,

the Kabbalah, the Torah,

the New Testament, and the Qur'an.

♪♪ [sitar on tape]

How long were you planning on staying in here, Nancy?

This crystal has very powerful qualities.

And this candle represents the light of God.

We set it here, knowing that the darkness

will disappear into the light.

If I blow that out, will you disappear into the kitchen?

Roseanne, this is all about healing.

It's not just about Dan.

It's about the anger, the abrasiveness,

the harshness that has been eating you alive,

the poison that's been running through your spirit for years.

Nancy, that is my spirit.

Feel a sensation of calmness and compassion

wash over you.

Can you feel it?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Good.

Because we all need you, Roseanne.

Leon and I need you back at the diner.

I know it doesn't mean that much to you anymore,

but for Leon and I, it's-- it's our only income.

Could we maybe discuss business

when I'm feeling a little bit better?

Sure.

Great. Well, come back in about a year or so.

Do not despair, Roseanne.

God works in mysterious ways.

Thanks for the crystal.

[expels breath]

Okay, kids.

Your mother needs a clearing like nobody's business.

I'm going to throw some crystals,

do a little chanting, and if I have anything left,

I'm going to do a Yadna and throw some

of your father's clothes into a fire.

It's imperative for the next five minutes

that no one have any negative thoughts.

Freak.

Hey, Mark.

I got no time to say hi to you, pal.

I gotta talk to Mrs. Conner. Now, where is she?

Hello! The woman's been in bed for the past four days!

Believe me, it's not a very pretty sight.

The woman is-- you know, she's crippled by heartache.

She may never be whole again.

Lord knows I've been there.

I gotta go talk to her.

Go for it.

We've tried everything else. Maybe gibberish will work.

Damn right it will, and I want you all to come in

and hear what I have to say to her, okay?

Well, come on, team! It's full court press time!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Get in there!

What in the hell is this, the grand finale?

Mrs. Conner, I have something to tell you.

Now, I put two and two together and--

well, here's what I came up with, okay?

Mr. Conner doesn't want to leave town.

Mark, don't toy with the woman.

She's hanging on by a thread.

No, wait a minute, Jackie.

He goes to the airport,

and he doesn't get on his plane.

And instead of checking on the next flight,

he checks into an airport hotel-- even weirder.

You know, come to think of it,

Scott thought he saw him at the mall,

and he was buying a winter coat.

Now, does that sound like a guy going to California?

Sure doesn't. Exactly.

So, I figured this is a guy

just looking for an excuse to stay,

so I started brainstorming.

No wonder you look a little flushed.

Here's what I came up with, all right?

I called Dan, and I told him

that he signed a government contract

for that big prison construction job.

If he doesn't show up, we lose the job!

I hate to be a wet blanket here, Mark,

but anyone can get out of a contract.

Yeah, if he wants to.

You know what it means.

Dan is staying here for you, Roseanne.

Wow, so come on, Mrs. Conner, get up.

Come on, I'll start the shower.

Yeah! What do you say?

Um, well, I need some time to sort this out,

which I cannot do with all of you

sitting there just staring at me.

Can you just get out and leave me alone, please?

You know, I thought for sure I would've got through to her.

You had to suggest a shower.

Thanks a lot, everybody.

You gave it your best shot.

[door opens]

My God, Mrs. Conner, you're out.

All right, back, back!

Everybody, back!

Come on, no touching!

She's like a zoo animal.

If she runs behind a bush, we'll never see her again.

I would just like to apologize to everybody

for shutting you out like that.

Oh, we understand. Right, guys?

Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

Let me tell you something.

From this day forward, things are going to change.

No more laying around feeling sorry for myself.

Dan or not, I am going ahead with my life.

I am moving forward.

Which one of my spiritual books

turned you around?

Was it the Tony Robbins book?

Actually, everybody really helped me,

but I have to say most of all it was Mark,

because that was just a brilliant idea, Mark.

I guess everybody has one in a lifetime.

That was nothing, Mrs. Conner.

Anyone with four days to kill could've came up with it.

The point is that you've made me realize

that I have got to take care of business.

And, Jackie, I think we should just give up the diner.

No argument there.

I think we should just turn over our shares

to Leon and Nancy.

Roseanne, that is so great.

W-Wait, wait a minute.

Let me make sure I understand what you're saying.

You are giving us the diner,

so we will be there and you won't?

Exactly, Leon.

I want you guys to feel what me and Jackie felt

when we first started that place.

For the first time we felt like

we really controlled our own destiny.

Right. We bought the diner,

and then we worked really hard

to make something of it.

Yeah, it wasn't like winning the lottery--

you know, getting something for nothing.

We really earned that.

You know, Mom, you're all right.

Hear, hear!

This is the first intervention

I've actually seen work.

You know, I know that I've inspired you guys,

but tonight you've really all inspired me.

I'm really touched by everything

that you did for me here tonight.

I feel like the richest woman in all of Lanford,

with or without the money.

I think I'll go take a shower.

[all cheering]

Rosie, it's about taking control of your life.

It's about finding a passion other than food.

You gotta use your personal power

and turn things around!

And if you're going to start feeling better emotionally,

you gotta take care of our body.

Let me tell you something. We gotta start with your diet.

I personally am a strict vegetarian.

How about you?

What are we going to do here?

Well, Tony, you know...

there's no meat in a Ho Ho.

Oh, cool. You got me there.

Scoot over.

Let's toast.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA