Original subtitles

This sign isn't coming out so good.

The "O" is all lopsided.

Well, plop your head down, and I'll trace around it.

All right, what do you guys think?

Different shades of blue represent how sad we've been

since your dad's been gone.

Well, I'm sure some airport janitor will be very touched

when he pulls it out of the trash.

All right, come on, people.

We've got to leave here in about five minutes.

Well, I'm done.

Yeah, that's great, Darlene.

Come on now, I want to meet him at the gate.

Everything has got to be perfect.

[telephone rings]

We really got to hurry,

because the traffic is awful.

Hello.

Well, I'm an arm away from being ready,

so the rest of you get moving.

I'll meet you out there.

Great. Limo's out front. All right.

All right, Andy, we're going to the airport,

and since we got the big bucks now,

Mommy's going to get you one of those fancy airport pretzels.

Whoa.

Look at the size of that limo.

It is, like, twice the size of our trailer.

Mark, now, you double-checked Dan's arrival time, right?

Yeah, his plane comes in at noon,

but I added on another two hours 'cause we're in Central time.

Mark, no, you told me that his plane leaves at 9,

which is 11:00 our time,

which means he gets in at 4.

4 Lanford time or California time?

No, the plane leaves at 9:00 our time,

which is 7:00 their time,

which means he does get in at noon.

"Noon" as in Lanford time

or "noon" as is California time?

Wait a minute.

I think Dad's been at the airport for two hours.

All right, everybody shut up

and let's get going-- except Mark!

You stay here and figure out why we left you home.

Come on.

Come on. Get the door.

Where's everybody going?

Hey!

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

[dialing]

Hey. I didn't know you were here.

Well, that's okay. You can stay.

I already wrapped your presents.

You know, I couldn't help it, Dan.

I tried not to, but I got totally caught up

in the materialism of the holiday.

Well, honey, that's one way money ain't gonna change us.

God, it was so weird doing all the Christmas shopping without you this year.

Well, yeah, you didn't have anybody to carry your heavy stuff or...

hold your purse.

But you do have a new strapping young man, what with the new...

[voice cracking] D.J.

I can't believe how much he's grown.

I think we can go ahead and take that guard rail off his bed now.

Well, I'm just glad your home, Dan,

'cause we can start getting back to normal around here now.

Yep, yep, yep.

You know what I was thinking?

Um, after the holidays and everything calms down a little bit,

I think me and you we should go away

on a trip together, alone, you know,

and I was thinking either the Riviera

or the Wisconsin Dells.

I don't know, honey.

I just got back from that big trip to California and...

I know, but I mean we haven't been to the Dells

for a really long time.

I'm sure they'd let us back in by now.

Yeah, we don't have to decide on it right now, though, do we?

No.

No, you know, we can...

you know, think about it, whatever.

No, I'm just trying to say, Dan,

I'm so glad that you're home.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, I was only bringing up

the idea of a trip 'cause I'd thought

it's something that you'd like.

Yeah, I do, but, you know--

We gotta do it right now, or...

Is something wrong, Dan?

I'm sorry, honey. I'm just tired.

[sighs]

I guess I got some of that jet lag.

Oh, yeah. That's probably it.

That's probably it, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know, baby. Um...

How about in a couple days, maybe me and you go out for a big dinner?

You know, just you and me.

Maybe, if you feel like it, I'll take you up to Chicago.

Wow. Food. Out of town.

I can hardly wait.

[imitates cow mooing]

Uh, listen, I'm gonna...

go ahead and shave

so I don't tear up the pillowcase.

Or me.

What you got there, some new-fangled electric razor?

This is like the kind they got in that, uh...

Sharper Image catalogue. [electric razor humming]

[turns razor off]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's all this?

Oh, that's my 12-step recovery program to more vital skin.

Say, I got it at that spa I went to.

Well, I don't know, honey.

You got moisturizers, I got me an electric razor.

I guess there's no going back.

Hey, yeah! Maybe later, we could trade!

"...visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads."

Hey, sugar plum!

We could really use a hand here!

Hey, I wanted a living tree.

No, you butchers are going to have to deal with your own carnage.

Could you shut the door? It's freezing in here!

Well, they're back, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Yep, and this year, they actually went to a tree farm.

Don't tell me you paid for a tree.

Yep, that nursery security guard

bulked up for nothing.

All right. Well, last night, huh?

You and Dan, huh?

How was it?

Good.

Oh, come on!

Roseanne, it's been a long time for you guys.

Was it wild and intense? Was it like the first time?

Well, his dad didn't catch us this time, if that's what you mean.

It was fine.

Fine? Come on!

Roseanne and Dan Conner do not have "fine" sex.

Well, come on, Jackie.

You know, it's been months and everything,

and he was kinda nervous and so was I.

But the most important thing is

that when he crawled into be next to me, you know,

and I felt that familiar sag in his side of the mattress,

It just felt like I was home.

I just felt like everything was gonna be okay.

Well, let me ask you something.

When I talk about Carlos, do I sound that sappy?

You could get a part on any Mexican soap opera.

Well, I'd say Dan does seem very happy.

His mom must be doing better.

Yeah. Yeah, they got her on pills and everything.

What are you doing? You're squishing my balls!

I'm making angel's thumbprints.

No! These are rum balls.

Now you've made them into rum blobs!

Balls, blobs! What's the difference?

It's gonna taste the same.

Not to me.

I've spent all this time rolling these things to custom fit my mouth.

Now fix 'em!

Jeez!

Uh-uh! No! No! No!

Look, like this.

Oh.

I hate you.

[grunts]

[grunting]

Uhh! Huuhh!

I said shut...the...door!

Hey, I didn't have that problem at my house.

You wanna know why?

I took a tape measure with me.

I hate you.

All right, Rose,

I really hate to tell you this,

but it looks like we're gonna have to amputate.

There you go, Dan.

I was gonna bring your safety goggles,

but I didn't want to insult you.

Yeah. Nurse?

Oh, Doctor, I can't tell you how impressed I am

with the delicate work you're about to do

with those big meaty hands.

Yes, my dear, they were developed

after years of twisting off non-twist-off caps.

Hey, nice tree.

When do we have to send it back to Rockefeller Center?

Come on, David. Let's go to the toy store

so we can get there before the bellowing parents with screaming children.

[cries]

Hey, you don't wanna miss that.

That's the best part, with the kids on leashes and stuff.

Hey, Dad, I'm glad you're home.

I just want you to know that.

Thanks, honey. That's really sweet of you.

I need your coat.

Uh, mine doesn't fit.

And believe it or not, I've outgrown Mom's.

Scary. [whistles]

All right. All right. Come on, David.

Timber!

Hey, I'm glad I got all this new furniture

just in time to have you cut down our tree in the living room!

Ow.

Ow.

Ow. You...

What do you think, Darlene?

Should we start here or...here?

Hmm.

That is a tough one.

Darlene, for the first time ever,

we have a beautiful tree with all its needles.

Now, do you have to make it look like a tacky Vegas showgirl?

You wish, Mother.

Okay.

Andy, let's go choose some cookies for Santa.

Make sure you put a couple of peanut butter ones on there.

I know she likes those.

Where's Dan?

Oh, I think he's upstairs using the phone.

He's probably talking to his mom.

Again?

He's, like, so totally obsessed with her.

I thought you said she was all right.

She is.

And don't start criticizing him

just because we aren't lucky enough

to have our mother in a home.

All right.

All we have to do now is fire it up.

We got a bad plug. There's no prongs in this.

That's the female end, you idiot!

Jeez! You must have buried the plug in the middle of the tree!

We're missing a wise man again.

[sighs]

No, we're not.

You know what they say,

they say the yellow Power Ranger is the wisest in all the land.

You are not gonna believe what I got Dan for Christmas.

It's the most amazing present ever.

All right, but you're not gonna believe--

It has to be better than what Fred got me.

Bubble bath.

You already opened it?

It wasn't even wrapped.

Man. You know, ever since he moved in with that D.A. chick with them two kids,

we never even see him anymore.

All right. So what did you get Dan?

Tell me. Come on. No, forget about it.

You haven't been able to keep a secret since sixth grade.

Well, why do you bring it up, then?

I got a big mouth, too.

Oh, this new angel's beautiful.

Yeah, but she ain't gonna look that hot

with a tree shoved up her butt.

Here, sweetie.

Allow me.

All right, everybody, gather 'round.

Time for the traditional hoisting of the angel.

[grunts]

Oh!

Uggrrhh! Uggrrhh!

Uggrrhh!

Hey, let's hope Santa brings a back brace this year.

Lookie here.

Mmm. Hey, thanks, man.

Hey, hey! Those are for Santa.

Now, we are going to put those cookies, darling,

right over here on the mantle where Santa--

Oh, ho, ho! That's right!

My daughter got rid of the fireplace.

I guess Santa will have to come crawling out of the cabinet!

No, that's all right.

We're just gonna leave these cookies right here

where old Saint Nick can't miss 'em.

So where's that note for Santa?

Oh, I got it right here, honey.

And I wrote it down exactly like the kids told me.

Oh, yeah, good.

[clears throat]

"Dear Santa, are any of your reindeer gay?

Our grandma is. Love Andy and Jerry."

What?

You know...

kids say the darndest things.

It's time for bedtime, boys.

That's right. You guys got a busy day tomorrow,

ignoring all your toys and playing with the boxes they came in.

Here, I'll take them upstairs.

[gasps] Oh, my. We'd better hurry.

I hear reindeer hooves.

Wow. She has got great hearing.

Lookie, lookie. Lookie what I found out in the garage.

All of our old Christmas decorations.

You know, nothing says Christmas

like a string of Schlitz bottle caps.

All right, elves, come on, it's time to finish the Christmas assembly.

Come on! Hurry up!

Doberman, Pepperoni, let's go! Hey! Hey!

All right, Mark,

go out to the garage, get me a screwdriver and a wrench.

David, go with Mark, find out what those things are.

[Dan groans]

Who wants a Tom and Jerry?

What the hell is that?

It's a Hop, Skip, and Go Naked

only with grated nutmeg.

[high-pitched squeal]

Don't all speak at once!

I think we should get out there

before she sucks all the nitrous oxide

out of the whipping cream can.

Here, do something with that, would ya?

[Dan] Hmm.

Okay, she's gone. Dig in.

But chew softly.

You know, I think we should leave a cookie

with a big bite taken out of it.

How come?

'Cause it's more like Santa was really here.

Okay. He's eating these cookies.

And then all of a sudden he realizes,

"Uh-oh, I gotta get back to my sleigh."

And he doesn't have time to finish the last one.

That's realism.

Oh, bite me. I'm eating 'em all.

Christmas cookies.

Yeah, you better get yours quick.

They're going fast.

You know, it really is great seeing you guys again.

We're really glad you're back, Dad.

Mm-hmm.

[mumbling]

Can I, uh... you know...

Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Wow.

Yeah, you should feel it from where I am.

Nobody touches that one!

Oh, David,

could you start putting that tricycle together?

Yep. Just, uh...

let me find the instructions.

David, men don't read instructions.

We eyeball it, think logically...

and then wing it.

Yeah, well, you're a professional mechanic, Mr. Conner.

How would you put these wheels on?

Well, from my last 30-years-experience as a professional mechanic...

hell, I'd glue 'em on.

Okay, everybody got their gifts?

All right, that's good,

because we're going to open these gifts in an orderly fashion

that is consistent with the fine Conner tradition of Christmas etiquette.

Ready?

Set...

Go! Hey!

And you will notice that not one of these gifts

was purchased by Santa at the North Pole Price Club this year.

I can't decide which one to open.

Well, then you don't get either one of them.

Oh, Cool! A PowerBook! Thank you!

[gasps] Pearls! I have always wanted pearls.

Oh, my God! Look at all these video games!

Sable-hair brushes!

Snakeskin boots!

You know, if you hold those up to your ears, they rattle.

My God! Are these real?

Well, they ain't diamond elves

from the Home Shopping Network, sis.

Look at me. I got a, what-- A beautiful robe.

Well, not just a robe, Vanna!

It's a beautiful cashmere robe!

And if I was you, I'd check in the pockets there.

Oh, my God!

Yeah. Dan, look at that.

Yeah, I figured you could wear it around the house, you know,

when you're watching TV or whatnot.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say nothing of it.

It's beautiful.

All right, everybody, stop what you're doing

because it's gonna take hours to open all our presents,

and I have something very important right now.

In fact, I have what I believe is called

"the gift de résistance."

Ah, a beautiful silver tray.

Oh, my God, It's the mortgage.

And a Zippo.

I was gonna buy you a Rolex watch,

but this here was cheaper.

Honey, I don't know what to say.

I mean, you know, we--

We bought the house together, and we--

always dreamed--

at the time--

Come on, Dan.

Light that sucker up.

[all cheering]

Yow!

[all cheering]

Hey, Dan, the mansion is all ours.

Yeah, honey...

You don't have to say nothing, honey.

Merry Christmas.

No, it's okay, I'm all alone.

They're all at the mall exchanging everything.

Well, yeah, I miss you, too.

It's really hard spending Christmas without you.

That is so sweet.

[Dan] Well, I don't know when I'm gonna get back out.

I'm kinda stuck here for awhile.

He misses his mommy.

Um...

listen, I just wanted to thank you for...

you know, being so great with my mom.

Mom?

Yeah, well, um...

I gotta go.

Yeah.

Yeah, me, too.

Okay. Bye.

[door closes]

[whispering] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[sighs]

Oh, for cryin' out loud!

[grunting]

[dialing]

Oh, great! Just great!

[telephone rings]

[Roseanne, on machine] Hello. You've reached the Conner residence.

And, uh-- [beep]

Yeah, yeah, Conners? Hello? This is Santa Claus.

I've got a scheduled delivery here,

and, uh, you blocked off the fireplace!

Don't you know you're supposed to fill out a form when you block the chimney?

After 20 years, the least you could do is drop me a line!

I'm just gonna leave the gifts by the back door!

Unless, of course, you've changed that, too!

Oh, yeah!

Ho ho ho!

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA