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1
00:00:05,318 --> 00:00:07,151
This sign isn't
coming out so good.
2
00:00:07,153 --> 00:00:08,553
The "O" is all lopsided.
3
00:00:08,555 --> 00:00:11,789
Well, plop your head down,
and I'll trace around it.
4
00:00:11,791 --> 00:00:13,992
All right, what
do you guys think?
5
00:00:13,994 --> 00:00:17,128
Different shades of blue
represent how sad we've been
6
00:00:17,130 --> 00:00:20,064
since your dad's been gone.
7
00:00:20,066 --> 00:00:23,167
Well, I'm sure some airport
janitor will be very touched
8
00:00:23,169 --> 00:00:25,804
when he pulls it
out of the trash.
9
00:00:25,806 --> 00:00:28,007
All right,
come on, people.
10
00:00:28,009 --> 00:00:30,109
We've got to leave here
in about five minutes.
11
00:00:30,111 --> 00:00:31,777
Well, I'm done.
12
00:00:35,482 --> 00:00:37,349
Yeah, that's
great, Darlene.
13
00:00:37,351 --> 00:00:39,151
Come on now, I want
to meet him at the gate.
14
00:00:39,153 --> 00:00:40,720
Everything has got
to be perfect.
15
00:00:40,722 --> 00:00:41,921
[telephone rings]
16
00:00:41,923 --> 00:00:43,422
We really got to hurry,
17
00:00:43,424 --> 00:00:45,257
because the traffic
is awful.
18
00:00:45,259 --> 00:00:46,392
Hello.
19
00:00:46,394 --> 00:00:47,593
Well, I'm an arm away
from being ready,
20
00:00:47,595 --> 00:00:49,163
so the rest of you
get moving.
21
00:00:49,165 --> 00:00:50,196
I'll meet you out there.
22
00:00:50,198 --> 00:00:53,399
Great. Limo's out front.
All right.
23
00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:56,703
All right, Andy, we're
going to the airport,
24
00:00:56,705 --> 00:00:58,372
and since we got
the big bucks now,
25
00:00:58,374 --> 00:01:01,409
Mommy's going to get
you one of those fancy
airport pretzels.
26
00:01:01,411 --> 00:01:03,344
Whoa.
27
00:01:03,346 --> 00:01:04,946
Look at the size
of that limo.
28
00:01:04,948 --> 00:01:07,048
It is, like, twice the
size of our trailer.
29
00:01:07,050 --> 00:01:10,852
Mark, now, you
double-checked Dan's
arrival time, right?
30
00:01:10,854 --> 00:01:12,420
Yeah, his plane
comes in at noon,
31
00:01:12,422 --> 00:01:14,322
but I added on another
two hours 'cause we're
in Central time.
32
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:17,625
Mark, no, you told me that
his plane leaves at 9,
33
00:01:17,627 --> 00:01:19,028
which is
11:00 our time,
34
00:01:19,030 --> 00:01:20,394
which means
he gets in at 4.
35
00:01:20,396 --> 00:01:23,565
4 Lanford time
or California time?
36
00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:26,234
No, the plane leaves
at 9:00 our time,
37
00:01:26,236 --> 00:01:27,736
which is 7:00 their time,
38
00:01:27,738 --> 00:01:29,271
which means he does
get in at noon.
39
00:01:29,273 --> 00:01:31,073
"Noon" as in Lanford time
40
00:01:31,075 --> 00:01:33,709
or "noon" as is
California time?
41
00:01:33,711 --> 00:01:34,976
Wait a minute.
42
00:01:34,978 --> 00:01:38,414
I think Dad's
been at the airport
for two hours.
43
00:01:38,416 --> 00:01:40,049
All right,
everybody shut up
44
00:01:40,051 --> 00:01:42,218
and let's get going--
except Mark!
45
00:01:42,220 --> 00:01:45,789
You stay here
and figure out why
we left you home.
46
00:01:47,125 --> 00:01:49,226
Come on.
47
00:01:49,228 --> 00:01:50,660
Come on.
Get the door.
48
00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:56,067
Where's everybody going?
49
00:02:01,674 --> 00:02:03,140
Hey!
50
00:02:04,777 --> 00:02:09,447
♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪
51
00:02:09,449 --> 00:02:11,616
♪ We're gonna last longer ♪
52
00:02:11,618 --> 00:02:14,452
♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪
53
00:02:14,454 --> 00:02:17,623
♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪
54
00:02:17,625 --> 00:02:21,793
♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪
55
00:02:21,795 --> 00:02:23,962
♪ While waiting for my turn ♪
56
00:02:23,964 --> 00:02:26,965
♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪
57
00:02:26,967 --> 00:02:30,136
♪ But you also get some sun ♪
58
00:02:30,138 --> 00:02:34,140
♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪
59
00:02:34,142 --> 00:02:36,976
♪ Hear what I say ♪
60
00:02:36,978 --> 00:02:41,581
♪ Yeah, any day ♪
61
00:02:55,498 --> 00:02:57,698
[dialing]
62
00:02:59,802 --> 00:03:01,502
Hey. I didn't know
you were here.
63
00:03:01,504 --> 00:03:03,438
Well, that's okay.
You can stay.
64
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:05,907
I already wrapped
your presents.
65
00:03:05,909 --> 00:03:07,275
You know, I couldn't
help it, Dan.
66
00:03:07,277 --> 00:03:09,477
I tried not to,
but I got totally caught up
67
00:03:09,479 --> 00:03:11,414
in the materialism
of the holiday.
68
00:03:11,416 --> 00:03:15,351
Well, honey,
that's one way money
ain't gonna change us.
69
00:03:15,353 --> 00:03:19,155
God, it was so weird
doing all the Christmas shopping
without you this year.
70
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:21,824
Well, yeah, you didn't
have anybody to carry
your heavy stuff or...
71
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,726
hold your purse.
72
00:03:23,728 --> 00:03:27,096
But you do have a new
strapping young man,
what with the new...
73
00:03:27,098 --> 00:03:29,665
[voice cracking]
D.J.
74
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:32,135
I can't believe
how much he's grown.
75
00:03:32,137 --> 00:03:36,206
I think we can go ahead
and take that guard rail
off his bed now.
76
00:03:36,208 --> 00:03:37,806
Well, I'm just glad
your home, Dan,
77
00:03:37,808 --> 00:03:40,643
'cause we can start getting
back to normal around here now.
78
00:03:41,947 --> 00:03:44,848
Yep, yep, yep.
79
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,350
You know what
I was thinking?
80
00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:49,187
Um, after the holidays
and everything calms
down a little bit,
81
00:03:49,189 --> 00:03:50,521
I think me and you
we should go away
82
00:03:50,523 --> 00:03:52,256
on a trip together,
alone, you know,
83
00:03:52,258 --> 00:03:54,492
and I was thinking
either the Riviera
84
00:03:54,494 --> 00:03:56,260
or the Wisconsin Dells.
85
00:03:57,864 --> 00:03:59,129
I don't know, honey.
86
00:03:59,131 --> 00:04:02,734
I just got back from that
big trip to California and...
87
00:04:02,736 --> 00:04:05,002
I know, but I mean
we haven't been
to the Dells
88
00:04:05,004 --> 00:04:06,271
for a really long time.
89
00:04:06,273 --> 00:04:09,007
I'm sure they'd let us
back in by now.
90
00:04:09,009 --> 00:04:13,211
Yeah, we don't have to decide
on it right now, though, do we?
91
00:04:13,213 --> 00:04:14,446
No.
92
00:04:14,448 --> 00:04:16,582
No, you know, we can...
93
00:04:16,584 --> 00:04:19,184
you know, think about it,
whatever.
94
00:04:19,186 --> 00:04:21,153
No, I'm just trying
to say, Dan,
95
00:04:21,155 --> 00:04:23,722
I'm so glad
that you're home.
96
00:04:23,724 --> 00:04:24,857
Yeah.
97
00:04:31,465 --> 00:04:34,101
You know, I mean,
I was only bringing up
98
00:04:34,103 --> 00:04:35,570
the idea of a trip
'cause I'd thought
99
00:04:35,572 --> 00:04:37,270
it's something
that you'd like.
100
00:04:37,272 --> 00:04:38,573
Yeah, I do, but,
you know--
101
00:04:38,575 --> 00:04:40,039
We gotta do it
right now, or...
102
00:04:40,041 --> 00:04:42,343
Is something wrong, Dan?
103
00:04:42,345 --> 00:04:45,212
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just tired.
104
00:04:45,214 --> 00:04:46,480
[sighs]
105
00:04:47,716 --> 00:04:49,850
I guess I got
some of that jet lag.
106
00:04:49,852 --> 00:04:52,219
Oh, yeah.
That's probably it.
107
00:04:52,221 --> 00:04:53,220
That's probably it,
yeah.
108
00:04:53,222 --> 00:04:54,922
Yeah.
109
00:04:54,924 --> 00:04:57,892
I don't know, baby. Um...
110
00:04:57,894 --> 00:05:02,464
How about in a couple days,
maybe me and you go out
for a big dinner?
111
00:05:02,466 --> 00:05:04,332
You know,
just you and me.
112
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:06,702
Maybe, if you feel like it,
I'll take you up to Chicago.
113
00:05:06,704 --> 00:05:09,270
Wow. Food.
Out of town.
114
00:05:09,272 --> 00:05:11,006
I can hardly wait.
115
00:05:11,008 --> 00:05:13,942
[imitates cow mooing]
116
00:05:13,944 --> 00:05:16,279
Uh, listen, I'm gonna...
117
00:05:16,281 --> 00:05:17,514
go ahead and shave
118
00:05:17,516 --> 00:05:20,250
so I don't tear up
the pillowcase.
119
00:05:20,252 --> 00:05:22,118
Or me.
120
00:05:24,022 --> 00:05:27,525
What you got there,
some new-fangled
electric razor?
121
00:05:27,527 --> 00:05:29,859
This is like the kind they got
in that, uh...
122
00:05:29,861 --> 00:05:32,262
Sharper Image catalogue.
[electric razor humming]
123
00:05:32,264 --> 00:05:33,597
[turns razor off]
124
00:05:34,766 --> 00:05:36,833
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's all this?
125
00:05:36,835 --> 00:05:42,372
Oh, that's my 12-step
recovery program to
more vital skin.
126
00:05:42,374 --> 00:05:46,143
Say, I got it at that spa
I went to.
127
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,546
Well, I don't know, honey.
128
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,846
You got moisturizers,
I got me an electric razor.
129
00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:53,484
I guess there's
no going back.
130
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:59,758
Hey, yeah!
Maybe later,
we could trade!
131
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:06,365
"...visions of sugar plums
dancing in their heads."
132
00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:08,933
Hey, sugar plum!
133
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:10,336
We could really
use a hand here!
134
00:06:10,338 --> 00:06:12,504
Hey, I wanted
a living tree.
135
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:15,675
No, you butchers
are going to have to deal
with your own carnage.
136
00:06:15,677 --> 00:06:18,444
Could you shut the door?
It's freezing in here!
137
00:06:24,085 --> 00:06:25,418
Well, they're back, huh?
138
00:06:25,420 --> 00:06:26,987
Mm-hmm.
139
00:06:26,989 --> 00:06:30,423
Yep, and this year,
they actually went
to a tree farm.
140
00:06:30,425 --> 00:06:32,525
Don't tell me
you paid for a tree.
141
00:06:32,527 --> 00:06:34,529
Yep, that nursery
security guard
142
00:06:34,531 --> 00:06:36,697
bulked up
for nothing.
143
00:06:36,699 --> 00:06:39,667
All right.
Well, last night, huh?
144
00:06:39,669 --> 00:06:41,502
You and Dan, huh?
145
00:06:41,504 --> 00:06:42,504
How was it?
146
00:06:42,506 --> 00:06:43,671
Good.
147
00:06:43,673 --> 00:06:46,040
Oh, come on!
148
00:06:46,042 --> 00:06:47,942
Roseanne, it's been
a long time for you guys.
149
00:06:47,944 --> 00:06:51,212
Was it wild and intense?
Was it like the first time?
150
00:06:51,214 --> 00:06:55,116
Well, his dad didn't
catch us this time,
if that's what you mean.
151
00:06:57,186 --> 00:06:58,320
It was fine.
152
00:06:58,322 --> 00:06:59,887
Fine?
Come on!
153
00:06:59,889 --> 00:07:03,058
Roseanne and Dan Conner
do not have "fine" sex.
154
00:07:03,060 --> 00:07:04,426
Well, come on,
Jackie.
155
00:07:04,428 --> 00:07:06,061
You know,
it's been months
and everything,
156
00:07:06,063 --> 00:07:08,097
and he was
kinda nervous
and so was I.
157
00:07:08,099 --> 00:07:10,132
But the most
important thing is
158
00:07:10,134 --> 00:07:12,435
that when he crawled
into be next to me,
you know,
159
00:07:12,437 --> 00:07:17,373
and I felt that
familiar sag in his
side of the mattress,
160
00:07:17,375 --> 00:07:19,109
It just felt like
I was home.
161
00:07:19,111 --> 00:07:21,211
I just felt like
everything was
gonna be okay.
162
00:07:21,213 --> 00:07:22,445
Well, let me
ask you something.
163
00:07:22,447 --> 00:07:25,515
When I talk about Carlos,
do I sound that sappy?
164
00:07:25,517 --> 00:07:29,819
You could get a part on
any Mexican soap opera.
165
00:07:32,225 --> 00:07:35,125
Well, I'd say Dan
does seem very happy.
166
00:07:35,127 --> 00:07:36,792
His mom must be
doing better.
167
00:07:36,794 --> 00:07:39,663
Yeah. Yeah, they got her
on pills and everything.
168
00:07:39,665 --> 00:07:42,567
What are you doing?
You're squishing my balls!
169
00:07:44,237 --> 00:07:46,069
I'm making
angel's thumbprints.
170
00:07:46,071 --> 00:07:48,606
No! These are
rum balls.
171
00:07:48,608 --> 00:07:51,376
Now you've made them
into rum blobs!
172
00:07:51,378 --> 00:07:53,044
Balls, blobs!
What's the difference?
173
00:07:53,046 --> 00:07:54,279
It's gonna
taste the same.
174
00:07:54,281 --> 00:07:56,114
Not to me.
175
00:07:56,116 --> 00:07:59,151
I've spent all this time
rolling these things
to custom fit my mouth.
176
00:07:59,153 --> 00:08:00,285
Now fix 'em!
177
00:08:01,789 --> 00:08:03,489
Jeez!
178
00:08:03,491 --> 00:08:06,157
Uh-uh!
No! No! No!
179
00:08:06,159 --> 00:08:07,593
Look, like this.
180
00:08:10,498 --> 00:08:11,964
Oh.
181
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,083
I hate you.
182
00:08:29,085 --> 00:08:30,817
[grunts]
183
00:08:32,121 --> 00:08:33,988
[grunting]
184
00:08:33,990 --> 00:08:36,056
Uhh! Huuhh!
185
00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:40,694
I said
shut...the...door!
186
00:08:40,696 --> 00:08:43,565
Hey, I didn't have
that problem at my house.
187
00:08:43,567 --> 00:08:44,831
You wanna know why?
188
00:08:44,833 --> 00:08:47,601
I took a tape measure
with me.
189
00:08:47,603 --> 00:08:49,237
I hate you.
190
00:08:51,007 --> 00:08:52,674
All right, Rose,
191
00:08:52,676 --> 00:08:54,543
I really hate
to tell you this,
192
00:08:54,545 --> 00:08:57,512
but it looks like we're
gonna have to amputate.
193
00:08:57,514 --> 00:08:58,846
There you go, Dan.
194
00:08:58,848 --> 00:09:00,315
I was gonna bring
your safety goggles,
195
00:09:00,317 --> 00:09:01,749
but I didn't want
to insult you.
196
00:09:01,751 --> 00:09:03,886
Yeah.
Nurse?
197
00:09:05,456 --> 00:09:08,190
Oh, Doctor,
I can't tell you
how impressed I am
198
00:09:08,192 --> 00:09:10,359
with the delicate
work you're about to do
199
00:09:10,361 --> 00:09:13,697
with those
big meaty hands.
200
00:09:13,699 --> 00:09:15,365
Yes, my dear,
they were developed
201
00:09:15,367 --> 00:09:18,501
after years of twisting off
non-twist-off caps.
202
00:09:19,973 --> 00:09:21,871
Hey, nice tree.
203
00:09:21,873 --> 00:09:25,643
When do we have
to send it back to
Rockefeller Center?
204
00:09:25,645 --> 00:09:27,944
Come on, David.
Let's go to the toy store
205
00:09:27,946 --> 00:09:32,216
so we can get there
before the bellowing parents
with screaming children.
206
00:09:32,218 --> 00:09:34,351
[cries]
207
00:09:38,825 --> 00:09:40,557
Hey, you don't
wanna miss that.
208
00:09:40,559 --> 00:09:42,960
That's the best part,
with the kids on
leashes and stuff.
209
00:09:44,532 --> 00:09:46,665
Hey, Dad,
I'm glad you're home.
210
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:47,766
I just want you
to know that.
211
00:09:47,768 --> 00:09:49,368
Thanks, honey.
That's really sweet of you.
212
00:09:49,370 --> 00:09:51,870
I need your coat.
213
00:09:51,872 --> 00:09:53,205
Uh, mine doesn't fit.
214
00:09:53,207 --> 00:09:55,607
And believe it or not,
I've outgrown Mom's.
215
00:09:55,609 --> 00:09:57,676
Scary.
[whistles]
216
00:09:57,678 --> 00:10:00,613
All right.
All right.
Come on, David.
217
00:10:00,615 --> 00:10:02,047
Timber!
218
00:10:05,287 --> 00:10:07,787
Hey, I'm glad I got
all this new furniture
219
00:10:07,789 --> 00:10:11,324
just in time to have you
cut down our tree
in the living room!
220
00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:31,780
Ow.
221
00:10:31,782 --> 00:10:33,013
Ow.
222
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,216
Ow. You...
223
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:38,185
What do you think,
Darlene?
224
00:10:38,187 --> 00:10:42,490
Should we start here
or...here?
225
00:10:42,492 --> 00:10:44,325
Hmm.
226
00:10:44,327 --> 00:10:46,895
That is a tough one.
227
00:10:49,867 --> 00:10:51,800
Darlene,
for the first time ever,
228
00:10:51,802 --> 00:10:55,237
we have a beautiful
tree with all its needles.
229
00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:59,908
Now, do you have to
make it look like
a tacky Vegas showgirl?
230
00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:01,510
You wish, Mother.
231
00:11:05,349 --> 00:11:07,050
Okay.
232
00:11:07,052 --> 00:11:10,053
Andy, let's go choose
some cookies for Santa.
233
00:11:10,055 --> 00:11:13,290
Make sure you put a couple
of peanut butter ones on there.
234
00:11:13,292 --> 00:11:15,826
I know she likes those.
235
00:11:15,828 --> 00:11:17,260
Where's Dan?
236
00:11:17,262 --> 00:11:18,962
Oh, I think he's upstairs
using the phone.
237
00:11:18,964 --> 00:11:20,965
He's probably talking
to his mom.
238
00:11:20,967 --> 00:11:22,199
Again?
239
00:11:22,201 --> 00:11:24,368
He's, like, so totally
obsessed with her.
240
00:11:24,370 --> 00:11:26,036
I thought you said
she was all right.
241
00:11:26,038 --> 00:11:27,170
She is.
242
00:11:27,172 --> 00:11:28,739
And don't start
criticizing him
243
00:11:28,741 --> 00:11:30,207
just because we aren't
lucky enough
244
00:11:30,209 --> 00:11:33,944
to have our mother
in a home.
245
00:11:33,946 --> 00:11:34,945
All right.
246
00:11:34,947 --> 00:11:37,315
All we have to do now
is fire it up.
247
00:11:37,317 --> 00:11:40,184
We got a bad plug.
There's no prongs in this.
248
00:11:40,186 --> 00:11:42,822
That's the female end,
you idiot!
249
00:11:42,824 --> 00:11:46,224
Jeez! You must have
buried the plug in
the middle of the tree!
250
00:11:46,226 --> 00:11:50,396
We're missing
a wise man again.
251
00:11:50,398 --> 00:11:51,897
[sighs]
252
00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:55,134
No, we're not.
253
00:11:55,136 --> 00:11:56,568
You know what they say,
254
00:11:56,570 --> 00:12:01,373
they say the yellow
Power Ranger is the wisest
in all the land.
255
00:12:06,081 --> 00:12:08,815
You are not gonna believe
what I got Dan for Christmas.
256
00:12:08,817 --> 00:12:10,583
It's the most
amazing present ever.
257
00:12:10,585 --> 00:12:12,052
All right, but you're
not gonna believe--
258
00:12:12,054 --> 00:12:14,121
It has to be better than
what Fred got me.
259
00:12:14,123 --> 00:12:15,388
Bubble bath.
260
00:12:15,390 --> 00:12:17,024
You already opened it?
261
00:12:17,026 --> 00:12:19,359
It wasn't even wrapped.
262
00:12:19,361 --> 00:12:23,864
Man. You know, ever since
he moved in with that D.A. chick
with them two kids,
263
00:12:23,866 --> 00:12:25,832
we never even
see him anymore.
264
00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:27,434
All right. So what did
you get Dan?
265
00:12:27,436 --> 00:12:29,436
Tell me. Come on.
No, forget about it.
266
00:12:29,438 --> 00:12:32,040
You haven't been able to keep
a secret since sixth grade.
267
00:12:32,042 --> 00:12:33,473
Well, why do you
bring it up, then?
268
00:12:33,475 --> 00:12:37,746
I got a big mouth, too.
269
00:12:37,748 --> 00:12:40,549
Oh, this new angel's
beautiful.
270
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,383
Yeah, but she ain't
gonna look that hot
271
00:12:42,385 --> 00:12:44,753
with a tree shoved
up her butt.
272
00:12:47,424 --> 00:12:48,991
Here, sweetie.
273
00:12:48,993 --> 00:12:51,260
Allow me.
274
00:12:51,262 --> 00:12:53,796
All right, everybody,
gather 'round.
275
00:12:53,798 --> 00:12:57,433
Time for the traditional
hoisting of the angel.
276
00:12:58,637 --> 00:13:00,236
[grunts]
277
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:01,604
Oh!
278
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:03,941
Uggrrhh!
Uggrrhh!
279
00:13:03,943 --> 00:13:06,977
Uggrrhh!
280
00:13:06,979 --> 00:13:11,448
Hey, let's hope Santa
brings a back brace
this year.
281
00:13:11,450 --> 00:13:13,684
Lookie here.
282
00:13:13,686 --> 00:13:15,419
Mmm. Hey,
thanks, man.
283
00:13:15,421 --> 00:13:18,288
Hey, hey!
Those are for Santa.
284
00:13:18,290 --> 00:13:21,158
Now, we are going to put
those cookies, darling,
285
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,961
right over here
on the mantle where Santa--
286
00:13:23,963 --> 00:13:26,497
Oh, ho, ho!
That's right!
287
00:13:26,499 --> 00:13:29,601
My daughter got rid
of the fireplace.
288
00:13:29,603 --> 00:13:34,372
I guess Santa will have to come
crawling out of the cabinet!
289
00:13:34,374 --> 00:13:35,640
No, that's all right.
290
00:13:35,642 --> 00:13:37,008
We're just gonna
leave these cookies
right here
291
00:13:37,010 --> 00:13:38,743
where old Saint Nick
can't miss 'em.
292
00:13:38,745 --> 00:13:41,013
So where's that
note for Santa?
293
00:13:41,015 --> 00:13:42,948
Oh, I got it
right here, honey.
294
00:13:42,950 --> 00:13:45,450
And I wrote it down
exactly like
the kids told me.
295
00:13:45,452 --> 00:13:47,052
Oh, yeah, good.
296
00:13:47,054 --> 00:13:48,187
[clears throat]
297
00:13:48,189 --> 00:13:51,423
"Dear Santa,
are any of your
reindeer gay?
298
00:13:51,425 --> 00:13:54,693
Our grandma is.
Love Andy and Jerry."
299
00:13:54,695 --> 00:13:57,163
What?
300
00:13:57,165 --> 00:13:59,398
You know...
301
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,334
kids say
the darndest things.
302
00:14:08,277 --> 00:14:11,311
It's time for
bedtime, boys.
303
00:14:11,313 --> 00:14:13,914
That's right. You guys
got a busy day tomorrow,
304
00:14:13,916 --> 00:14:17,785
ignoring all your toys
and playing with
the boxes they came in.
305
00:14:17,787 --> 00:14:19,152
Here, I'll take them
upstairs.
306
00:14:19,154 --> 00:14:21,589
[gasps] Oh, my.
We'd better hurry.
307
00:14:21,591 --> 00:14:24,559
I hear reindeer hooves.
308
00:14:24,561 --> 00:14:27,963
Wow. She has got
great hearing.
309
00:14:32,936 --> 00:14:35,369
Lookie, lookie.
Lookie what I found
out in the garage.
310
00:14:35,371 --> 00:14:39,140
All of our old
Christmas decorations.
311
00:14:39,142 --> 00:14:41,777
You know,
nothing says Christmas
312
00:14:41,779 --> 00:14:45,681
like a string of
Schlitz bottle caps.
313
00:14:45,683 --> 00:14:49,451
All right, elves, come on,
it's time to finish
the Christmas assembly.
314
00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,187
Come on! Hurry up!
315
00:14:51,189 --> 00:14:53,957
Doberman, Pepperoni,
let's go! Hey! Hey!
316
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:55,625
All right, Mark,
317
00:14:55,627 --> 00:14:57,927
go out to the garage, get me
a screwdriver and a wrench.
318
00:14:57,929 --> 00:15:02,632
David, go with Mark,
find out what
those things are.
319
00:15:02,634 --> 00:15:04,500
[Dan groans]
320
00:15:04,502 --> 00:15:07,070
Who wants
a Tom and Jerry?
321
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,572
What the hell is that?
322
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,440
It's a Hop, Skip,
and Go Naked
323
00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:12,742
only with
grated nutmeg.
324
00:15:12,744 --> 00:15:14,545
[high-pitched squeal]
325
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:16,713
Don't all
speak at once!
326
00:15:18,784 --> 00:15:20,851
I think we should
get out there
327
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,087
before she sucks
all the nitrous oxide
328
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,655
out of the whipping
cream can.
329
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:27,291
Here, do something
with that, would ya?
330
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:28,826
[Dan]
Hmm.
331
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,431
Okay, she's gone.
Dig in.
332
00:15:32,433 --> 00:15:34,232
But chew softly.
333
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,303
You know, I think
we should leave
a cookie
334
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,972
with a big bite
taken out of it.
335
00:15:39,974 --> 00:15:41,206
How come?
336
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:44,043
'Cause it's more like
Santa was really here.
337
00:15:44,045 --> 00:15:46,178
Okay. He's eating
these cookies.
338
00:15:46,180 --> 00:15:47,546
And then all of
a sudden he realizes,
339
00:15:47,548 --> 00:15:49,615
"Uh-oh, I gotta
get back to my sleigh."
340
00:15:49,617 --> 00:15:52,152
And he doesn't have time
to finish the last one.
341
00:15:52,154 --> 00:15:53,352
That's realism.
342
00:15:53,354 --> 00:15:55,755
Oh, bite me.
I'm eating 'em all.
343
00:15:55,757 --> 00:15:57,691
Christmas cookies.
344
00:15:57,693 --> 00:15:58,892
Yeah, you better
get yours quick.
345
00:15:58,894 --> 00:16:00,560
They're going fast.
346
00:16:00,562 --> 00:16:03,597
You know, it really is great
seeing you guys again.
347
00:16:03,599 --> 00:16:04,831
We're really glad
you're back, Dad.
348
00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:06,367
Mm-hmm.
349
00:16:06,369 --> 00:16:09,803
[mumbling]
350
00:16:09,805 --> 00:16:12,405
Can I, uh...
you know...
351
00:16:12,407 --> 00:16:14,441
Oh, yeah, sure.
Go ahead.
352
00:16:14,443 --> 00:16:17,011
Wow.
353
00:16:17,013 --> 00:16:20,314
Yeah, you should feel it
from where I am.
354
00:16:20,316 --> 00:16:22,316
Nobody touches
that one!
355
00:16:24,521 --> 00:16:25,787
Oh, David,
356
00:16:25,789 --> 00:16:27,322
could you start putting
that tricycle together?
357
00:16:27,324 --> 00:16:29,457
Yep.
Just, uh...
358
00:16:29,459 --> 00:16:31,226
let me find
the instructions.
359
00:16:31,228 --> 00:16:34,529
David, men don't
read instructions.
360
00:16:34,531 --> 00:16:36,866
We eyeball it,
think logically...
361
00:16:36,868 --> 00:16:38,734
and then wing it.
362
00:16:40,504 --> 00:16:43,072
Yeah, well, you're
a professional mechanic,
Mr. Conner.
363
00:16:43,074 --> 00:16:44,573
How would you put
these wheels on?
364
00:16:44,575 --> 00:16:48,945
Well, from my last
30-years-experience as
a professional mechanic...
365
00:16:48,947 --> 00:16:51,013
hell, I'd glue 'em on.
366
00:16:57,755 --> 00:17:02,125
Okay, everybody
got their gifts?
367
00:17:02,127 --> 00:17:03,727
All right, that's good,
368
00:17:03,729 --> 00:17:07,396
because we're going
to open these gifts in
an orderly fashion
369
00:17:07,398 --> 00:17:14,171
that is consistent with
the fine Conner tradition
of Christmas etiquette.
370
00:17:14,173 --> 00:17:16,273
Ready?
371
00:17:16,275 --> 00:17:18,475
Set...
372
00:17:18,477 --> 00:17:20,012
Go!
Hey!
373
00:17:21,581 --> 00:17:23,815
And you will notice that
not one of these gifts
374
00:17:23,817 --> 00:17:28,854
was purchased by Santa
at the North Pole
Price Club this year.
375
00:17:28,856 --> 00:17:31,723
I can't decide
which one to open.
376
00:17:31,725 --> 00:17:34,392
Well, then you don't get
either one of them.
377
00:17:34,394 --> 00:17:37,695
Oh, Cool!
A PowerBook! Thank you!
378
00:17:37,697 --> 00:17:40,432
[gasps] Pearls!
I have always
wanted pearls.
379
00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:42,635
Oh, my God!
Look at all these video games!
380
00:17:42,637 --> 00:17:44,103
Sable-hair brushes!
381
00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:46,972
Snakeskin boots!
382
00:17:46,974 --> 00:17:50,844
You know, if you hold those
up to your ears, they rattle.
383
00:17:50,846 --> 00:17:54,214
My God!
Are these real?
384
00:17:54,216 --> 00:17:56,249
Well, they ain't
diamond elves
385
00:17:56,251 --> 00:17:59,419
from the Home Shopping
Network, sis.
386
00:17:59,421 --> 00:18:02,789
Look at me.
I got a, what--
A beautiful robe.
387
00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:05,959
Well, not just
a robe, Vanna!
388
00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:08,129
It's a beautiful
cashmere robe!
389
00:18:08,131 --> 00:18:11,833
And if I was you,
I'd check in
the pockets there.
390
00:18:11,835 --> 00:18:15,070
Oh, my God!
391
00:18:15,072 --> 00:18:16,737
Yeah.
Dan, look at that.
392
00:18:16,739 --> 00:18:19,507
Yeah, I figured you
could wear it around
the house, you know,
393
00:18:19,509 --> 00:18:22,277
when you're watching TV
or whatnot.
394
00:18:22,279 --> 00:18:23,778
Thank you.
395
00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:25,447
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Say nothing of it.
396
00:18:25,449 --> 00:18:27,917
It's beautiful.
397
00:18:27,919 --> 00:18:29,819
All right, everybody,
stop what you're doing
398
00:18:29,821 --> 00:18:32,321
because it's gonna take
hours to open all
our presents,
399
00:18:32,323 --> 00:18:33,956
and I have something
very important right now.
400
00:18:33,958 --> 00:18:37,092
In fact, I have
what I believe is called
401
00:18:37,094 --> 00:18:41,063
"the gift de résistance."
402
00:18:41,065 --> 00:18:43,400
Ah, a beautiful
silver tray.
403
00:18:50,175 --> 00:18:52,242
Oh, my God,
It's the mortgage.
404
00:18:53,845 --> 00:18:55,313
And a Zippo.
405
00:18:56,648 --> 00:18:58,481
I was gonna buy you
a Rolex watch,
406
00:18:58,483 --> 00:19:00,918
but this here was cheaper.
407
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,954
Honey, I don't know
what to say.
408
00:19:02,956 --> 00:19:05,023
I mean, you know, we--
409
00:19:05,025 --> 00:19:08,559
We bought the house
together, and we--
410
00:19:08,561 --> 00:19:10,295
always dreamed--
411
00:19:11,998 --> 00:19:13,498
at the time--
412
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,433
Come on, Dan.
413
00:19:15,435 --> 00:19:17,235
Light that
sucker up.
414
00:19:17,237 --> 00:19:19,104
[all cheering]
415
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,309
Yow!
416
00:19:24,311 --> 00:19:25,811
[all cheering]
417
00:19:31,685 --> 00:19:34,286
Hey, Dan,
the mansion is all ours.
418
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:37,556
Yeah, honey...
419
00:19:37,558 --> 00:19:40,193
You don't have to say
nothing, honey.
420
00:19:40,195 --> 00:19:41,661
Merry Christmas.
421
00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:16,364
No, it's okay,
I'm all alone.
422
00:20:16,366 --> 00:20:19,033
They're all at the mall
exchanging everything.
423
00:20:21,338 --> 00:20:23,004
Well, yeah,
I miss you, too.
424
00:20:23,006 --> 00:20:25,474
It's really hard
spending Christmas
without you.
425
00:20:25,476 --> 00:20:27,376
That is so sweet.
426
00:20:27,378 --> 00:20:30,145
[Dan]
Well, I don't know when
I'm gonna get back out.
427
00:20:30,147 --> 00:20:33,649
I'm kinda stuck here
for awhile.
428
00:20:33,651 --> 00:20:35,518
He misses his mommy.
429
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,489
Um...
430
00:20:38,491 --> 00:20:40,756
listen, I just wanted
to thank you for...
431
00:20:40,758 --> 00:20:43,359
you know, being so
great with my mom.
432
00:20:43,361 --> 00:20:45,896
Mom?
433
00:20:45,898 --> 00:20:48,732
Yeah, well, um...
434
00:20:48,734 --> 00:20:51,068
I gotta go.
435
00:20:51,070 --> 00:20:53,303
Yeah.
436
00:20:53,305 --> 00:20:54,938
Yeah, me, too.
437
00:20:54,940 --> 00:20:56,406
Okay. Bye.
438
00:21:05,251 --> 00:21:07,118
[door closes]
439
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,220
[whispering]
Oh, my God.
440
00:21:09,222 --> 00:21:12,657
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
441
00:21:12,659 --> 00:21:14,025
[sighs]
442
00:21:20,901 --> 00:21:24,069
Oh, for cryin' out loud!
443
00:21:27,274 --> 00:21:28,841
[grunting]
444
00:21:30,311 --> 00:21:32,911
[dialing]
445
00:21:32,913 --> 00:21:35,448
Oh, great!
Just great!
446
00:21:40,622 --> 00:21:43,089
[telephone rings]
447
00:21:43,091 --> 00:21:45,758
[Roseanne, on machine] Hello. You've reached the Conner residence.
448
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:47,694
And, uh-- [beep]
449
00:21:47,696 --> 00:21:51,199
Yeah, yeah, Conners? Hello? This is Santa Claus.
450
00:21:51,201 --> 00:21:53,167
I've got a scheduled delivery here,
451
00:21:53,169 --> 00:21:56,270
and, uh, you blocked off the fireplace!
452
00:21:56,272 --> 00:21:59,773
Don't you know you're supposed to fill out a form when you block the chimney?
453
00:21:59,775 --> 00:22:04,346
After 20 years, the least you could do is drop me a line!
454
00:22:04,348 --> 00:22:07,216
I'm just gonna leave the gifts by the back door!
455
00:22:07,218 --> 00:22:10,218
Unless, of course, you've changed that, too!
456
00:22:10,220 --> 00:22:11,219
Oh, yeah!
457
00:22:11,221 --> 00:22:13,922
Ho ho ho!
458
00:22:15,592 --> 00:22:18,327
Closed-Captioned By
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Burbank, CA
38498
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