Original subtitles

Are you excited that your daddy's coming home?

You remember your daddy, don't you?

He got a big head and funny hair,

just like you do.

Mmm. Yum, yum, yum. There's so much to tell him.

It's almost like some insane woman made it all up!

Mmm!

And while Daddy was out in California,

counting fat grams and pointing out nose jobs...

we were in New York City.

New York is funny, huh?

King Kong didn't fall.

He actually jumped!

Thank you.

And Aunt Jackie's dating a prince.

You got lots bigger.

And so did Darlene's tummy.

And-- and D.J.'s funny voice went away,

which is a relief to all the doggies in the neighborhood.

Mm-hm!

Oh! And one more thing.

Grandma came out of the closet! Mmm!

Can you say, "Uh-oh"?

Uh-oh!

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

[gasps] Stop it!

[gasps]

Stop it, you princely animal!

[gasps]

Uh...I gotta go.

No...no, I can't!

No! I can't!

Because I'm not alone.

No, I'm no... okay, I will.

Okay!

Oh, you bet I will!

Bye-bye.

If you're gonna have sex, use your own phone.

Roseanne, I have never experienced

anything like this before in my life.

I mean, I knew that the prince

was a romantic in person,

but on the phone, it--

za-boom!

So...what kind of stuff does he say?

Well, you know, just stuff.

Come on! I had to listen to every detail

about how boring Fred was.

Now I wanna hear about the royal stud.

Well, he--

said that he wanted to be my--

[whispers]

so that he could be with me.

I mean, really with me.

All day long.

That has got to be the grossest thing

I have ever heard in my life.

Boy, you picked yourself a real winner there.

[sighs] Ah, so has Dan called you lately?

Yes. He has.

Oh, not like that.

But, yeah.

Man! I miss him so much. I know you do.

You know, every morning I get up,

and he's not there. And just for a second,

I think he's in the bathroom.

But then I see that TV Guide,

and that yellow highlighter,

and I know he's not in the bathroom.

He's still out in California with his mom.

Well, he'll be back in a couple weeks.

Yeah, I know. But it's still tough, you know?

We've never been apart this long is our whole relationship.

And, I mean--

I feel like I--

I've changed, you know?

I made all my own decisions.

I went wherever I wanted to go,

with whoever I wanted to go with.

I was, like, totally on my own.

Now I'm a little nervous about when Dan comes back,

and I go back to making the decisions for both of us again.

So, you know...

You'll bark him down a couple of times.

And after a few days, everything will be back to normal.

Yeah. I don't know, though.

I just-- I feel really nervous about--

him seeing me.

You've been married for 25 years.

Yeah. I know! But that whole time,

I just kept him here, in Lanford, all isolated, you know?

And he's been out in California!

You know, when he comes back here,

he might see me in a different way.

Where's all this coming from?

I don't know. Just--

I just got a weird feeling.

Let's go see Barbara's movie tonight.

She was so great on Oprah.

You know, I remember after we saw A Star is Born,

we went out and got our hair all permed?

Two hands on the wheel, please! Relax, Don.

I got it.

I am feeling a little anxious.

My mother is not the easiest person to talk to.

Maybe we ought to turn the car around--

No, no, no, no! Bev, you're just a bit confused.

It is perfectly natural.

You've kept this thing hidden for such a long time.

I remember when I had "the talk" with my parents, okay?

There was a long, awkward silence.

And then my mother just turned to my father

and said, "You owe me ten bucks!"

Mine didn't even go that smoothly.

My father would not talk to me for five years.

Every Thanksgiving, he would turn the TV set away,

so I couldn't watch the football games.

That's horrible! What about your mother?

Oh, once a mama's boy, always a mama's boy. Oh, stop it.

We're almost there. Just turn left at that stop sign.

Left it is. Tell us when to pull in.

Oh, you'll recognize the house.

Whoa! [gasps]

What in the name of Brian Boitano?

Get a load of all those pink flamingos!

What is that thing in the middle of the yard?

It looks like a giant windmill

made out of Campbell's soup cans?

That's the place!

Whoa.

Think we'd better lock it up, fellas.

[knocking on door]

[Beverly] Hello!

Give me a minute! I've got my clothes on!

Mother, it's Bev.

And I've brought along some guests.

Hello. Hello, you guys!

Hi! Welcome. Welcome.

Thank you. Mary, is that a real windmill out there?

You can bet your ass it is!

Listen, I brought it from Amsterdam

right after the Spanish Civil War. Wow.

It used to be in my bedroom

when I was a little girl.

Mother, I see the place hasn't changed much.

Yeah, it sure is interesting.

Oh, you like it, Leon?

Well, it-- it does explain where Roseanne gets her taste.

I absolutely love this old trunk!

Ornate, yet calm.

Oh. I traded Meyer Lansky,

the famous gangster, for it. No...

Mother's wild stories

that everyone has heard a thousand times!

No! No, not here!

Not a block off the highway

in the middle of corn country!

Oh, my! Oh, my!

[gasping] I-I feel faint.

Give me air! Give me air, honey!

Mary, do not tell me

that that is an authentic Picasso.

It better be a real Picasso!

I posed nude for that for four days!

Got pneumonia.

Oh, that old letch.

Ah, like you knew Picasso!

Give me a big break!

Here's what I'd like to give you!

Scott, let's go antiquing.

Now? Yes. Right now.

I love it when you're impulsive.

I just think there's a Gustav Stickley

rocking chair out there with our names on it.

I bet she slept with Picasso.

In a cubist second.

All right, Beverly. What the hell you doin' here?

You haven't been here for, uh--

were you ever here?

Yes! But it's been a long time.

Actually, I thought we might, uh, chat.

Okay. Let's chat.

You and I have never had

a mother-daughter talk.

And now that I am all grown up,

I think it's time we did.

Oh, God. I was hoping

to postpone it for another decade.

Mother!

Yeah, what?

Well, you see, I am at a-- at a--

at a crossroads in my life!

I mean, I just don't know where I'm going...

ever since I blurted out to the world

that I'm attracted to women.

When did you do this?

Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiv-- Oh, yeah.

I was there. I remember.

I've realized that my whole life

is just one mistake after another!

Oh, man. That really sucks.

It's true, Mom!

I quit secretarial school,

despite the fact that I excelled in stenography.

Yes. I married the first man who came along!

You married the first schmuck that came along!

Mother, I came here in search of answers,

not criticism!

That is not criticism.

That was a commentary.

Mother, I came here for help.

I thought you could perhaps give me...

some hint. Some clue.

Something to help me understand myself!

All right. You are a rebel, just like me.

You just had different things to rebel against!

What are you babbling about?

All right. Sit down.

Now remember when I used to get drunk

with Hemingway?

I wasn't there!

Well, you remember.

And I used to go smoke reefers in Harlem

with the jazz crowd?

Well, you were rebelling

against the woman that I was then!

You became a kind of uptight, repressed conformist.

Does any of this help you, honey?

I was not uptight and repressed.

I was a realist! Someone had to be!

All you did was wake me up

in the middle of the night

so we could skip out on the rent

and move on to another town.

Or move on to another boyfriend.

I never knew where we were gonna live.

I never went to the same school.

I never knew when you'd come home at night.

You were mentally unstable!

No, Beverly.

What I was was what they used to call

a free spirit.

Yes, I was!

You know, I had you very young.

So I parked you with my mother for a couple of years.

But when I came back, there was no running around.

And come on, you went to the same school then,

and you slept in the same bed.

And I did every menial job that came along.

And I gave up all my dreams of being an artiste.

A ballerina. A writer.

A union organizer.

Come on, Beverly, all I got left are my treasures.

You know it. I wasn't a bad mother.

I never said you were a bad mother.

Wow, kiddo. You certainly were hinting at it.

Mom.

I've asked you this before,

and you've always avoided it.

Who was my father?

You know what? I'm--

I'm gonna make us some sandwiches.

Well, Jerry and Andy are down for their naps.

I think this baby thing is gonna be a breeze.

You just remember that when I'm in labor

and I'm ripping your throat out.

What are you guys doing?

Well, I unloaded the dishwasher.

And I listened to Aunt Jackie

get an obscene phone call,

and I'm kind of just sitting here thinking about Dad.

Hey, did you tell him about all the remodeling you did yet?

Well, no. Not all of it.

'Cause, you know, it's supposed to be

a great big surprise when he gets here.

Hmph. You think so?

Well, yeah! We got new cupboards.

The new table here.

The convection oven, whatever the hell that is.

Well, what about the living room?

What about it?

Well...

I don't think Dad could even fit in this chair.

Well, so what? He'll sit someplace else!

All right, everybody get out!

You're ruining my surround sound.

Mute!

I don't know, Mom.

It just doesn't seem like Dad's taste to me.

Darlene, this is the first furniture

we have ever had that we did not buy

off of somebody's lawn.

Well, yeah. But is it Dad?

Well, of course it is!

Isn't it?

Well, some of the old stuff was,

uh, a little more, uh,

you know, uh, guy-friendly.

This is totally guy-friendly!

You just can't tell 'cause it's still clean!

I don't think you have anything to worry about, Mrs. Conner.

I mean, look at me. I'm a guy and I--

I love this new stuff!

I'm screwed.

See, now you've got me all unsure of myself

and feeling all nervous.

Tell me the truth, Jackie! What do you really think?

Well-- [phone rings]

I got it. No! I got it!

I know it's for me, anyway!

Go! I'm--

Hello?

No, actually, I wouldn't like that.

It's the prince.

Hello! [giggling]

Aah!

Beverly! You're still here?

Of course I'm still here! Remember?

You just went into the kitchen

to make us some sandwiches.

Oh, that's right. Well, you're welcome to half.

But, uh, I'm warning you.

I sprinkled my Metamucil all over it.

I'm not really hungry, anyway.

Mother...

you have not answered my question.

Who was my father?

Bev, let me tell you a story.

Sit down.

Uh, there was this party

in a mansion in Paris.

Okay? And-- No, maybe it was at a restaurant.

But anyway, coming towards me

was this handsome actor.

Remember, he used to swing from the trees

in those pictures? Uh, uh--

Tarzan? Tarzan?

Yeah! Are you telling me that Tarzan was my father?

Johnny Weissmuller?

Yeah!

Mother, no more stories!

I don't know who my father is!

Well, then we're even! I don't know, either.

You really don't know? No.

I narrowed it down to four guys.

Really only two.

Because-- I mean, you have no talent for art,

so it couldn't be Picasso.

You can't play the piano,

so it can't be Arthur Rubenstein.

Well, I can sing. Could it be Louis Armstrong?

That is a distinct possibility.

Mother!

All right.

Come on. Bev!

You gotta remember.

Stop this! Life is a banquet!

You gotta learn how to take big bites out of it!

I love you. I love you!

But get the hell off my back!

I need help.

Honey, listen to me.

Everybody goes down a different road.

It doesn't matter what the hell other people think!

To thine own self be true.

Shakespeare said that.

Or maybe it was in The Bible.

Oh, no. I know! It was Steve Allen!

Here. Have a cigar.

I don't smoke!

Oh, well, Castro gave me these cigars.

Yeah. When?

Oh, yeah. New York. Long time ago.

He was doing The Jack Paar Show.

That cigar box is lovely.

It would be perfect for potpourri.

Yeah? You like it?

I do. Have it.

You know, there's a lot of other stuff around here

I'd like you to have.

But I didn't think you liked any of it.

I liked it.

I just didn't want you to know it.

Why?

Maybe I really am a rebel!

You know, in this life,

there are more questions than answers.

Ugh...

Maybe it's meant to be that way,

so it keeps us on our toes.

You know, Mom... What?

Thanks.

You're welcome.

You're okay, kiddo.

Okay, Jackie. What do you think?

Roseanne, it's a little revealing.

I know. I bought it for when Dan comes home,

to distract him in case he don't like the furniture.

Well, it works, 'cause I'm your sister,

and even I can't keep my eyes off your rack.

Well, it's common knowledge, Jackie.

Men prefer boobs over end tables any day.

[doorbell]

God, it's real roses, Jackie! Look!

Not the hundred- for-five-dollar roses.

Carlos! He is so romantic!

What in the hell makes you think they're from Carlos?

Because your husband wouldn't send you any flowers!

Yeah, but your dirty-mouthed prince would!

Yes, he would!

[grunting]

Get off! [giggling]

Ah! "Can't wait to see you, honey."

[cackles] "There's no place like home--"

They're for me!

"Can't wait to see you, honey.

"There's no place like home. Love, Dan!"

God. Jesus. Oh, my God.

Dan's expecting home.

I mean, like the old home. You know what I mean?

Like the coffee table with the beer can stains on it home!

My God! I gotta get

some of the things that he used to like, and put 'em back out here.

Maybe that'd help ease his way into the new.

Oh. Is this your "I'm gonna be a grandma" look?

Hey, Darlene?

We didn't get rid of that dogs playing poker picture, did we?

Believe it or not, somebody stole it out of the garage.

Go figure.

I'm gonna have to have that, 'cause your dad loved it.

Mrs. Conner, you-- you do know

that that was just a reproduction.

Where can I get another one?

Have you checked the Lanford House of Velvet?

You know, I could paint you another one.

And I could probably do it just from memory.

Really? Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. It's one of those images

that sears itself into your cornea.

I'll go get started.

Oh, my God, Jackie. I'm just totally nervous!

Everything in the house is

just too different. I mean, including me.

Ever since I went to that spa, I look different!

Mmm... no, you don't.

Sure she does!

Her hair's shinier--

Oh, yeah. If there's one thing Dad cares about,

it's shiny hair.

Well, all I know, Jackie,

is that Dan is not gonna be returning

to the demure little Lanford hausfrau

that he left behind.

I've been out in the world. I've lived!

I've traveled!

I've experienced a million things.

I've got a self- defrosting freezer.

And there is that little matter of the terrorist.

My God, Jackie.

What kind of a man wants to sleep with a woman

who's thrown a man off a train?

Roseanne, get a hold of yourself.

Dan doesn't care about that stuff.

All he's ever wanted, really,

is just a place to sit.

My God, and I gave that away!

Dan doesn't care how fancy all your crap has gotten.

He just wants you here. You know that.

What if-- Now just stop!

What if? What if? What if--

What if cars ran on spit?

You know what Nana Mary says.

There will always be more questions than answers in this life.

Here you go. Sketched out that picture of the dogs for you.

The poodle looks a little like Becky.

David!

He did that from memory! It's perfect!

What are you, crazy?

It's not even close!

The bulldog is supposed to have the full house.

And the Chihuahua has the pair.

So? The bulldog has to win!

That's the whole point of the painting!

Oh, my God! I know what!

Oh, I know. I've got something in the bedroom

that will make Dan really, really excited to be home.

Okay. It's another eye-popping cleavage outfit.

Huh? Here we go.

Yeah? Yeah. I'm going to put this right back

on the mantelpiece over the--

Oh, God! [gasps]

I got rid of the fireplace!

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