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1
00:00:04,969 --> 00:00:08,404
Are you excited that
your daddy's coming home?
2
00:00:08,406 --> 00:00:10,506
You remember your daddy,
don't you?
3
00:00:10,508 --> 00:00:12,207
He got a big head
and funny hair,
4
00:00:12,209 --> 00:00:13,308
just like you do.
5
00:00:15,012 --> 00:00:17,879
Mmm. Yum, yum, yum.
There's so much
to tell him.
6
00:00:17,881 --> 00:00:21,317
It's almost like
some insane woman
made it all up!
7
00:00:21,319 --> 00:00:22,318
Mmm!
8
00:00:25,088 --> 00:00:27,355
And while Daddy was out
in California,
9
00:00:27,357 --> 00:00:29,958
counting fat grams
and pointing out
nose jobs...
10
00:00:31,428 --> 00:00:34,128
we were in
New York City.
11
00:00:34,130 --> 00:00:36,998
New York is funny, huh?
12
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,567
King Kong didn't fall.
13
00:00:38,569 --> 00:00:39,935
He actually jumped!
14
00:00:41,938 --> 00:00:43,137
Thank you.
15
00:00:43,139 --> 00:00:46,307
And Aunt Jackie's
dating a prince.
16
00:00:46,309 --> 00:00:49,177
You got lots bigger.
17
00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:51,913
And so did
Darlene's tummy.
18
00:00:51,915 --> 00:00:55,482
And-- and D.J.'s
funny voice went away,
19
00:00:55,484 --> 00:00:58,820
which is a relief
to all the doggies
in the neighborhood.
20
00:00:58,822 --> 00:01:00,554
Mm-hm!
21
00:01:00,556 --> 00:01:02,055
Oh! And one more thing.
22
00:01:02,057 --> 00:01:06,694
Grandma came out
of the closet! Mmm!
23
00:01:06,696 --> 00:01:08,729
Can you say, "Uh-oh"?
24
00:01:08,731 --> 00:01:11,332
Uh-oh!
25
00:01:11,334 --> 00:01:16,002
♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪
26
00:01:16,004 --> 00:01:18,171
♪ We're gonna last longer ♪
27
00:01:18,173 --> 00:01:21,007
♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪
28
00:01:21,009 --> 00:01:24,177
♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪
29
00:01:24,179 --> 00:01:28,348
♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪
30
00:01:28,350 --> 00:01:30,516
♪ While waiting for my turn ♪
31
00:01:30,518 --> 00:01:33,519
♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪
32
00:01:33,521 --> 00:01:36,689
♪ But you also get some sun ♪
33
00:01:36,691 --> 00:01:40,693
♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪
34
00:01:40,695 --> 00:01:43,529
♪ Hear what I say ♪
35
00:01:43,531 --> 00:01:48,134
♪ Yeah, any day ♪
36
00:01:56,645 --> 00:01:59,278
[gasps]
Stop it!
37
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,181
[gasps]
38
00:02:01,183 --> 00:02:04,583
Stop it,
you princely animal!
39
00:02:04,585 --> 00:02:06,285
[gasps]
40
00:02:06,287 --> 00:02:08,254
Uh...I gotta go.
41
00:02:08,256 --> 00:02:11,891
No...no, I can't!
42
00:02:11,893 --> 00:02:13,793
No! I can't!
43
00:02:13,795 --> 00:02:16,929
Because I'm not alone.
44
00:02:16,931 --> 00:02:19,331
No, I'm no...
okay, I will.
45
00:02:19,333 --> 00:02:20,566
Okay!
46
00:02:20,568 --> 00:02:23,269
Oh, you bet I will!
47
00:02:23,271 --> 00:02:24,469
Bye-bye.
48
00:02:27,242 --> 00:02:29,674
If you're gonna have sex,
use your own phone.
49
00:02:31,545 --> 00:02:34,314
Roseanne, I have
never experienced
50
00:02:34,316 --> 00:02:35,580
anything like this
before in my life.
51
00:02:35,582 --> 00:02:37,116
I mean, I knew
that the prince
52
00:02:37,118 --> 00:02:38,483
was a romantic
in person,
53
00:02:38,485 --> 00:02:39,885
but on the phone,
it--
54
00:02:39,887 --> 00:02:42,420
za-boom!
55
00:02:43,758 --> 00:02:46,058
So...what kind of stuff
does he say?
56
00:02:46,060 --> 00:02:48,293
Well, you know,
just stuff.
57
00:02:48,295 --> 00:02:50,763
Come on! I had to listen
to every detail
58
00:02:50,765 --> 00:02:52,063
about how boring
Fred was.
59
00:02:52,065 --> 00:02:53,899
Now I wanna hear about
the royal stud.
60
00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:55,000
Well, he--
61
00:02:55,002 --> 00:02:57,535
said that he wanted
to be my--
62
00:03:00,474 --> 00:03:02,173
[whispers]
63
00:03:02,175 --> 00:03:03,975
so that he could
be with me.
64
00:03:03,977 --> 00:03:05,910
I mean,
really with me.
65
00:03:05,912 --> 00:03:07,079
All day long.
66
00:03:12,785 --> 00:03:14,518
That has got to be
the grossest thing
67
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,720
I have ever heard
in my life.
68
00:03:16,722 --> 00:03:18,990
Boy, you picked yourself
a real winner there.
69
00:03:18,992 --> 00:03:22,627
[sighs]
Ah, so has Dan
called you lately?
70
00:03:22,629 --> 00:03:24,428
Yes. He has.
71
00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:26,063
Oh, not like that.
72
00:03:26,065 --> 00:03:27,031
But, yeah.
73
00:03:28,434 --> 00:03:32,904
Man! I miss him
so much.
I know you do.
74
00:03:32,906 --> 00:03:34,671
You know, every
morning I get up,
75
00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:37,108
and he's not there.
And just for a second,
76
00:03:37,110 --> 00:03:38,775
I think he's in
the bathroom.
77
00:03:38,777 --> 00:03:40,911
But then I see
that TV Guide,
78
00:03:40,913 --> 00:03:42,046
and that yellow
highlighter,
79
00:03:42,048 --> 00:03:43,447
and I know he's not
in the bathroom.
80
00:03:43,449 --> 00:03:44,982
He's still out
in California
with his mom.
81
00:03:44,984 --> 00:03:47,517
Well, he'll be back
in a couple weeks.
82
00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:49,920
Yeah, I know.
But it's still tough,
you know?
83
00:03:49,922 --> 00:03:53,122
We've never been apart
this long is our whole
relationship.
84
00:03:53,124 --> 00:03:55,758
And, I mean--
85
00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,295
I feel like I--
86
00:03:57,297 --> 00:03:59,262
I've changed, you know?
87
00:03:59,264 --> 00:04:01,098
I made all my own
decisions.
88
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:02,332
I went wherever
I wanted to go,
89
00:04:02,334 --> 00:04:04,634
with whoever I wanted
to go with.
90
00:04:04,636 --> 00:04:06,436
I was, like,
totally on my own.
91
00:04:06,438 --> 00:04:08,638
Now I'm a little nervous
about when Dan comes back,
92
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,109
and I go back to making
the decisions for both
of us again.
93
00:04:12,111 --> 00:04:13,410
So, you know...
94
00:04:13,412 --> 00:04:15,278
You'll bark him down
a couple of times.
95
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:17,480
And after a few days,
everything will be
back to normal.
96
00:04:17,482 --> 00:04:19,315
Yeah.
I don't know, though.
97
00:04:19,317 --> 00:04:21,684
I just-- I feel really
nervous about--
98
00:04:21,686 --> 00:04:22,919
him seeing me.
99
00:04:22,921 --> 00:04:24,620
You've been married
for 25 years.
100
00:04:24,622 --> 00:04:26,256
Yeah. I know!
But that whole time,
101
00:04:26,258 --> 00:04:28,891
I just kept him here,
in Lanford, all isolated,
you know?
102
00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:30,726
And he's been out
in California!
103
00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:31,894
You know, when he
comes back here,
104
00:04:31,896 --> 00:04:33,230
he might see me
in a different way.
105
00:04:33,232 --> 00:04:34,964
Where's all this
coming from?
106
00:04:34,966 --> 00:04:37,132
I don't know. Just--
107
00:04:37,134 --> 00:04:38,900
I just got
a weird feeling.
108
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,305
Let's go see
Barbara's movie tonight.
109
00:04:43,307 --> 00:04:45,808
She was so great
on Oprah.
110
00:04:45,810 --> 00:04:47,710
You know, I remember
after we saw A Star is Born,
111
00:04:47,712 --> 00:04:49,244
we went out and got
our hair all permed?
112
00:04:49,246 --> 00:04:51,313
Two hands on the wheel,
please!
Relax, Don.
113
00:04:51,315 --> 00:04:52,648
I got it.
114
00:04:52,650 --> 00:04:54,650
I am feeling
a little anxious.
115
00:04:54,652 --> 00:04:57,753
My mother is not
the easiest person
to talk to.
116
00:04:57,755 --> 00:04:59,621
Maybe we ought to
turn the car around--
117
00:04:59,623 --> 00:05:02,091
No, no, no, no!
Bev, you're just
a bit confused.
118
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,325
It is perfectly natural.
119
00:05:03,327 --> 00:05:06,262
You've kept this thing
hidden for such a long time.
120
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:09,830
I remember when I had
"the talk" with
my parents, okay?
121
00:05:09,832 --> 00:05:11,966
There was a long,
awkward silence.
122
00:05:11,968 --> 00:05:14,001
And then my mother
just turned to my father
123
00:05:14,003 --> 00:05:16,238
and said,
"You owe me ten bucks!"
124
00:05:18,141 --> 00:05:19,974
Mine didn't even
go that smoothly.
125
00:05:19,976 --> 00:05:22,610
My father would not
talk to me for five years.
126
00:05:22,612 --> 00:05:25,380
Every Thanksgiving,
he would turn the TV set away,
127
00:05:25,382 --> 00:05:27,615
so I couldn't watch
the football games.
128
00:05:27,617 --> 00:05:30,084
That's horrible!
What about your mother?
129
00:05:30,086 --> 00:05:33,788
Oh, once a mama's boy,
always a mama's boy.
Oh, stop it.
130
00:05:33,790 --> 00:05:37,725
We're almost there.
Just turn left at
that stop sign.
131
00:05:37,727 --> 00:05:40,161
Left it is.
Tell us when to pull in.
132
00:05:40,163 --> 00:05:43,430
Oh, you'll
recognize the house.
133
00:05:43,432 --> 00:05:45,867
Whoa!
[gasps]
134
00:05:45,869 --> 00:05:49,103
What in the name
of Brian Boitano?
135
00:05:52,042 --> 00:05:54,908
Get a load of all those
pink flamingos!
136
00:05:54,910 --> 00:05:57,244
What is that thing
in the middle of the yard?
137
00:05:57,246 --> 00:05:58,745
It looks like
a giant windmill
138
00:05:58,747 --> 00:06:01,782
made out of
Campbell's soup cans?
139
00:06:01,784 --> 00:06:03,016
That's the place!
140
00:06:04,085 --> 00:06:05,552
Whoa.
141
00:06:05,554 --> 00:06:07,086
Think we'd better
lock it up, fellas.
142
00:06:09,324 --> 00:06:10,824
[knocking on door]
143
00:06:10,826 --> 00:06:11,991
[Beverly]
Hello!
144
00:06:11,993 --> 00:06:14,460
Give me a minute!
I've got my clothes on!
145
00:06:16,866 --> 00:06:18,164
Mother, it's Bev.
146
00:06:18,166 --> 00:06:19,933
And I've brought along
some guests.
147
00:06:19,935 --> 00:06:22,736
Hello.
Hello, you guys!
148
00:06:22,738 --> 00:06:25,139
Hi! Welcome. Welcome.
149
00:06:25,141 --> 00:06:27,975
Thank you. Mary,
is that a real
windmill out there?
150
00:06:27,977 --> 00:06:30,944
You can bet your ass
it is!
151
00:06:30,946 --> 00:06:34,281
Listen, I brought it
from Amsterdam
152
00:06:34,283 --> 00:06:37,217
right after
the Spanish Civil War.
Wow.
153
00:06:37,219 --> 00:06:39,018
It used to be
in my bedroom
154
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:41,321
when I was
a little girl.
155
00:06:41,323 --> 00:06:44,023
Mother, I see the place
hasn't changed much.
156
00:06:44,025 --> 00:06:45,658
Yeah, it sure is
interesting.
157
00:06:45,660 --> 00:06:47,192
Oh, you like it, Leon?
158
00:06:47,194 --> 00:06:50,663
Well, it-- it does
explain where Roseanne
gets her taste.
159
00:06:52,901 --> 00:06:57,670
I absolutely
love this old trunk!
160
00:06:57,672 --> 00:06:59,838
Ornate, yet calm.
161
00:07:00,909 --> 00:07:03,475
Oh. I traded Meyer Lansky,
162
00:07:03,477 --> 00:07:05,544
the famous gangster,
for it.
No...
163
00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:07,780
Mother's wild stories
164
00:07:07,782 --> 00:07:10,482
that everyone has heard
a thousand times!
165
00:07:10,484 --> 00:07:13,051
No! No, not here!
166
00:07:13,053 --> 00:07:14,552
Not a block
off the highway
167
00:07:14,554 --> 00:07:16,255
in the middle
of corn country!
168
00:07:16,257 --> 00:07:19,424
Oh, my! Oh, my!
169
00:07:19,426 --> 00:07:21,460
[gasping]
I-I feel faint.
170
00:07:21,462 --> 00:07:23,462
Give me air!
Give me air, honey!
171
00:07:25,266 --> 00:07:27,333
Mary, do not tell me
172
00:07:27,335 --> 00:07:29,067
that that is an
authentic Picasso.
173
00:07:29,069 --> 00:07:31,437
It better be
a real Picasso!
174
00:07:31,439 --> 00:07:33,939
I posed nude for that
for four days!
175
00:07:33,941 --> 00:07:35,474
Got pneumonia.
176
00:07:35,476 --> 00:07:36,675
Oh, that old letch.
177
00:07:38,111 --> 00:07:40,345
Ah, like you knew
Picasso!
178
00:07:40,347 --> 00:07:42,080
Give me a big break!
179
00:07:42,082 --> 00:07:43,882
Here's what I'd
like to give you!
180
00:07:45,452 --> 00:07:46,751
Scott, let's
go antiquing.
181
00:07:46,753 --> 00:07:48,486
Now?
Yes. Right now.
182
00:07:48,488 --> 00:07:50,554
I love it when
you're impulsive.
183
00:07:52,058 --> 00:07:54,225
I just think there's
a Gustav Stickley
184
00:07:54,227 --> 00:07:56,394
rocking chair out there
with our names on it.
185
00:07:56,396 --> 00:07:58,129
I bet she slept
with Picasso.
186
00:07:58,131 --> 00:07:59,730
In a cubist second.
187
00:08:01,168 --> 00:08:03,535
All right, Beverly.
What the hell you doin' here?
188
00:08:03,537 --> 00:08:05,370
You haven't been
here for, uh--
189
00:08:05,372 --> 00:08:06,471
were you ever here?
190
00:08:07,607 --> 00:08:09,907
Yes! But it's
been a long time.
191
00:08:09,909 --> 00:08:12,444
Actually, I thought
we might, uh, chat.
192
00:08:12,446 --> 00:08:14,612
Okay. Let's chat.
193
00:08:17,651 --> 00:08:20,116
You and I
have never had
194
00:08:20,118 --> 00:08:22,152
a mother-daughter talk.
195
00:08:22,154 --> 00:08:24,688
And now that I am
all grown up,
196
00:08:24,690 --> 00:08:27,257
I think it's time
we did.
197
00:08:27,259 --> 00:08:28,458
Oh, God. I was hoping
198
00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:31,428
to postpone it
for another decade.
199
00:08:31,430 --> 00:08:32,996
Mother!
200
00:08:32,998 --> 00:08:34,030
Yeah, what?
201
00:08:34,032 --> 00:08:36,166
Well, you see,
I am at a-- at a--
202
00:08:36,168 --> 00:08:38,401
at a crossroads
in my life!
203
00:08:38,403 --> 00:08:41,237
I mean, I just don't
know where I'm going...
204
00:08:41,239 --> 00:08:44,707
ever since I blurted out
to the world
205
00:08:44,709 --> 00:08:46,477
that I'm attracted
to women.
206
00:08:46,479 --> 00:08:48,211
When did you do this?
207
00:08:50,249 --> 00:08:51,614
Thanksgiving!
208
00:08:51,616 --> 00:08:53,350
Thanksgiv--
Oh, yeah.
209
00:08:53,352 --> 00:08:55,418
I was there.
I remember.
210
00:08:55,420 --> 00:08:57,286
I've realized
that my whole life
211
00:08:57,288 --> 00:09:00,055
is just one mistake
after another!
212
00:09:00,057 --> 00:09:01,857
Oh, man.
That really sucks.
213
00:09:06,063 --> 00:09:09,131
It's true, Mom!
214
00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:11,200
I quit secretarial school,
215
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:14,470
despite the fact that
I excelled in stenography.
216
00:09:14,472 --> 00:09:17,507
Yes.
I married the first man
who came along!
217
00:09:17,509 --> 00:09:19,475
You married the first
schmuck that came along!
218
00:09:20,711 --> 00:09:23,745
Mother, I came here
in search of answers,
219
00:09:23,747 --> 00:09:25,047
not criticism!
220
00:09:25,049 --> 00:09:26,882
That is not criticism.
221
00:09:26,884 --> 00:09:28,217
That was a commentary.
222
00:09:29,853 --> 00:09:31,620
Mother, I came
here for help.
223
00:09:31,622 --> 00:09:33,356
I thought you could
perhaps give me...
224
00:09:33,358 --> 00:09:35,022
some hint. Some clue.
225
00:09:35,024 --> 00:09:38,727
Something to help me
understand myself!
226
00:09:38,729 --> 00:09:41,296
All right.
You are a rebel,
just like me.
227
00:09:41,298 --> 00:09:44,298
You just had different
things to rebel against!
228
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:46,234
What are you
babbling about?
229
00:09:46,236 --> 00:09:47,535
All right.
Sit down.
230
00:09:48,905 --> 00:09:51,105
Now remember when I
used to get drunk
231
00:09:51,107 --> 00:09:52,307
with Hemingway?
232
00:09:52,309 --> 00:09:53,808
I wasn't there!
233
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,277
Well, you remember.
234
00:09:55,279 --> 00:09:58,212
And I used to go smoke
reefers in Harlem
235
00:09:58,214 --> 00:09:59,281
with the jazz crowd?
236
00:10:01,084 --> 00:10:02,584
Well, you were
rebelling
237
00:10:02,586 --> 00:10:06,188
against the woman
that I was then!
238
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:10,425
You became a kind of uptight,
repressed conformist.
239
00:10:10,427 --> 00:10:12,327
Does any of this
help you, honey?
240
00:10:14,096 --> 00:10:17,197
I was not uptight
and repressed.
241
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:20,000
I was a realist!
Someone had to be!
242
00:10:20,002 --> 00:10:21,935
All you did
was wake me up
243
00:10:21,937 --> 00:10:22,936
in the middle
of the night
244
00:10:22,938 --> 00:10:24,572
so we could skip out
on the rent
245
00:10:24,574 --> 00:10:26,508
and move on to
another town.
246
00:10:26,510 --> 00:10:29,910
Or move on to
another boyfriend.
247
00:10:29,912 --> 00:10:31,846
I never knew where
we were gonna live.
248
00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:33,414
I never went to
the same school.
249
00:10:33,416 --> 00:10:35,516
I never knew when
you'd come home
at night.
250
00:10:35,518 --> 00:10:38,085
You were mentally
unstable!
251
00:10:38,087 --> 00:10:40,388
No, Beverly.
252
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:43,190
What I was was what
they used to call
253
00:10:43,192 --> 00:10:44,924
a free spirit.
254
00:10:44,926 --> 00:10:46,627
Yes, I was!
255
00:10:46,629 --> 00:10:48,429
You know,
I had you very young.
256
00:10:48,431 --> 00:10:50,964
So I parked you
with my mother for
a couple of years.
257
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:55,602
But when I came back,
there was no running around.
258
00:10:55,604 --> 00:10:58,372
And come on, you went
to the same school then,
259
00:10:58,374 --> 00:11:00,073
and you slept
in the same bed.
260
00:11:00,075 --> 00:11:03,443
And I did every menial
job that came along.
261
00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:08,114
And I gave up all my dreams
of being an artiste.
262
00:11:08,116 --> 00:11:10,150
A ballerina.
A writer.
263
00:11:10,152 --> 00:11:11,585
A union organizer.
264
00:11:14,122 --> 00:11:17,858
Come on, Beverly,
all I got left
are my treasures.
265
00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:21,061
You know it.
I wasn't a bad mother.
266
00:11:21,063 --> 00:11:23,864
I never said you were
a bad mother.
267
00:11:23,866 --> 00:11:26,699
Wow, kiddo.
You certainly were
hinting at it.
268
00:11:29,037 --> 00:11:30,703
Mom.
269
00:11:30,705 --> 00:11:31,904
I've asked you
this before,
270
00:11:31,906 --> 00:11:33,739
and you've always
avoided it.
271
00:11:33,741 --> 00:11:35,241
Who was my father?
272
00:11:38,513 --> 00:11:41,146
You know what?
I'm--
273
00:11:41,148 --> 00:11:43,015
I'm gonna make us
some sandwiches.
274
00:11:49,256 --> 00:11:52,290
Well, Jerry and Andy
are down for their naps.
275
00:11:52,292 --> 00:11:54,526
I think this baby thing
is gonna be a breeze.
276
00:11:54,528 --> 00:11:56,261
You just remember that
when I'm in labor
277
00:11:56,263 --> 00:11:57,629
and I'm ripping
your throat out.
278
00:11:59,399 --> 00:12:00,531
What are
you guys doing?
279
00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:03,601
Well, I unloaded
the dishwasher.
280
00:12:03,603 --> 00:12:05,104
And I listened
to Aunt Jackie
281
00:12:05,106 --> 00:12:07,106
get an obscene
phone call,
282
00:12:07,108 --> 00:12:09,941
and I'm kind of
just sitting here
thinking about Dad.
283
00:12:09,943 --> 00:12:13,378
Hey, did you tell him
about all the remodeling
you did yet?
284
00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:14,879
Well, no.
Not all of it.
285
00:12:14,881 --> 00:12:16,315
'Cause, you know,
it's supposed to be
286
00:12:16,317 --> 00:12:18,650
a great big surprise
when he gets here.
287
00:12:18,652 --> 00:12:20,218
Hmph. You think so?
288
00:12:21,588 --> 00:12:23,555
Well, yeah!
We got new cupboards.
289
00:12:23,557 --> 00:12:24,789
The new table here.
290
00:12:24,791 --> 00:12:27,191
The convection oven,
whatever the hell that is.
291
00:12:28,795 --> 00:12:30,361
Well, what about
the living room?
292
00:12:30,363 --> 00:12:31,629
What about it?
293
00:12:34,001 --> 00:12:35,000
Well...
294
00:12:39,271 --> 00:12:41,139
I don't think Dad could
even fit in this chair.
295
00:12:43,777 --> 00:12:46,144
Well, so what?
He'll sit someplace else!
296
00:12:46,146 --> 00:12:47,411
All right,
everybody get out!
297
00:12:47,413 --> 00:12:48,880
You're ruining
my surround sound.
298
00:12:50,917 --> 00:12:52,282
Mute!
299
00:12:53,486 --> 00:12:55,119
I don't know, Mom.
300
00:12:55,121 --> 00:12:57,455
It just doesn't seem
like Dad's taste to me.
301
00:12:57,457 --> 00:12:59,723
Darlene, this is
the first furniture
302
00:12:59,725 --> 00:13:01,425
we have ever had
that we did not buy
303
00:13:01,427 --> 00:13:04,428
off of somebody's lawn.
304
00:13:04,430 --> 00:13:05,896
Well, yeah.
But is it Dad?
305
00:13:05,898 --> 00:13:08,665
Well, of course it is!
306
00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:10,300
Isn't it?
307
00:13:10,302 --> 00:13:12,135
Well, some of
the old stuff was,
308
00:13:12,137 --> 00:13:13,704
uh, a little
more, uh,
309
00:13:13,706 --> 00:13:16,273
you know, uh,
guy-friendly.
310
00:13:18,110 --> 00:13:19,509
This is totally
guy-friendly!
311
00:13:19,511 --> 00:13:22,646
You just can't tell
'cause it's still clean!
312
00:13:22,648 --> 00:13:25,314
I don't think you have
anything to worry about,
Mrs. Conner.
313
00:13:25,316 --> 00:13:27,852
I mean, look at me.
I'm a guy and I--
314
00:13:27,854 --> 00:13:29,519
I love this new stuff!
315
00:13:29,521 --> 00:13:31,121
I'm screwed.
316
00:13:33,659 --> 00:13:36,559
See, now you've got me
all unsure of myself
317
00:13:36,561 --> 00:13:38,062
and feeling all nervous.
318
00:13:38,064 --> 00:13:40,029
Tell me the truth, Jackie!
What do you really think?
319
00:13:40,031 --> 00:13:41,897
Well--
[phone rings]
320
00:13:41,899 --> 00:13:43,999
I got it.
No! I got it!
321
00:13:44,001 --> 00:13:45,401
I know it's
for me, anyway!
322
00:13:45,403 --> 00:13:46,969
Go! I'm--
323
00:13:53,410 --> 00:13:54,544
Hello?
324
00:13:56,214 --> 00:13:58,881
No, actually,
I wouldn't like that.
325
00:13:58,883 --> 00:14:00,716
It's the prince.
326
00:14:02,219 --> 00:14:03,919
Hello!
[giggling]
327
00:14:10,461 --> 00:14:12,061
Aah!
328
00:14:12,063 --> 00:14:13,162
Beverly!
You're still here?
329
00:14:14,665 --> 00:14:16,799
Of course I'm still
here! Remember?
330
00:14:16,801 --> 00:14:18,268
You just went into
the kitchen
331
00:14:18,270 --> 00:14:20,369
to make us
some sandwiches.
332
00:14:20,371 --> 00:14:23,872
Oh, that's right.
Well, you're welcome to half.
333
00:14:23,874 --> 00:14:25,340
But, uh,
I'm warning you.
334
00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:27,876
I sprinkled my
Metamucil all over it.
335
00:14:29,813 --> 00:14:32,014
I'm not really
hungry, anyway.
336
00:14:32,016 --> 00:14:33,581
Mother...
337
00:14:33,583 --> 00:14:36,584
you have not
answered my question.
338
00:14:36,586 --> 00:14:38,687
Who was my father?
339
00:14:38,689 --> 00:14:41,155
Bev, let me
tell you a story.
340
00:14:41,157 --> 00:14:42,590
Sit down.
341
00:14:42,592 --> 00:14:45,127
Uh, there was
this party
342
00:14:45,129 --> 00:14:47,128
in a mansion
in Paris.
343
00:14:47,130 --> 00:14:51,032
Okay? And-- No, maybe
it was at a restaurant.
344
00:14:51,034 --> 00:14:54,535
But anyway,
coming towards me
345
00:14:54,537 --> 00:14:56,837
was this
handsome actor.
346
00:14:56,839 --> 00:15:00,008
Remember, he used to
swing from the trees
347
00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:02,943
in those pictures?
Uh, uh--
348
00:15:02,945 --> 00:15:04,345
Tarzan?
Tarzan?
349
00:15:04,347 --> 00:15:07,382
Yeah!
Are you telling me that
Tarzan was my father?
350
00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:09,217
Johnny Weissmuller?
351
00:15:09,219 --> 00:15:10,217
Yeah!
352
00:15:10,219 --> 00:15:12,854
Mother, no more stories!
353
00:15:12,856 --> 00:15:15,623
I don't know
who my father is!
354
00:15:15,625 --> 00:15:17,791
Well, then we're even!
I don't know, either.
355
00:15:20,996 --> 00:15:23,163
You really
don't know?
No.
356
00:15:23,165 --> 00:15:25,700
I narrowed it down
to four guys.
357
00:15:25,702 --> 00:15:27,035
Really only two.
358
00:15:27,037 --> 00:15:30,537
Because-- I mean,
you have no talent
for art,
359
00:15:30,539 --> 00:15:32,472
so it couldn't
be Picasso.
360
00:15:32,474 --> 00:15:33,808
You can't play
the piano,
361
00:15:33,810 --> 00:15:35,708
so it can't be
Arthur Rubenstein.
362
00:15:35,710 --> 00:15:38,612
Well, I can sing.
Could it be Louis Armstrong?
363
00:15:40,615 --> 00:15:42,982
That is a distinct
possibility.
364
00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:44,184
Mother!
365
00:15:44,186 --> 00:15:45,852
All right.
366
00:15:45,854 --> 00:15:47,420
Come on. Bev!
367
00:15:47,422 --> 00:15:48,689
You gotta remember.
368
00:15:48,691 --> 00:15:50,991
Stop this!
Life is a banquet!
369
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:53,727
You gotta learn how to
take big bites out of it!
370
00:15:53,729 --> 00:15:55,428
I love you. I love you!
371
00:15:55,430 --> 00:15:57,564
But get the hell
off my back!
372
00:15:57,566 --> 00:15:59,766
I need help.
373
00:15:59,768 --> 00:16:01,935
Honey, listen to me.
374
00:16:01,937 --> 00:16:04,604
Everybody goes down
a different road.
375
00:16:04,606 --> 00:16:08,041
It doesn't matter
what the hell
other people think!
376
00:16:08,043 --> 00:16:11,343
To thine own self
be true.
377
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,079
Shakespeare said that.
378
00:16:13,081 --> 00:16:15,948
Or maybe
it was in The Bible.
379
00:16:15,950 --> 00:16:17,918
Oh, no. I know!
It was Steve Allen!
380
00:16:19,955 --> 00:16:21,520
Here. Have a cigar.
381
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,889
I don't smoke!
382
00:16:23,891 --> 00:16:26,859
Oh, well, Castro
gave me these cigars.
383
00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:28,026
Yeah. When?
384
00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:30,229
Oh, yeah. New York.
Long time ago.
385
00:16:30,231 --> 00:16:31,864
He was doing
The Jack Paar Show.
386
00:16:33,468 --> 00:16:35,601
That cigar box
is lovely.
387
00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,903
It would be perfect
for potpourri.
388
00:16:37,905 --> 00:16:39,738
Yeah? You like it?
389
00:16:39,740 --> 00:16:41,573
I do.
Have it.
390
00:16:41,575 --> 00:16:44,042
You know, there's a lot
of other stuff around here
391
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:45,343
I'd like you to have.
392
00:16:45,345 --> 00:16:47,113
But I didn't think
you liked any of it.
393
00:16:47,115 --> 00:16:49,147
I liked it.
394
00:16:49,149 --> 00:16:51,684
I just didn't want you
to know it.
395
00:16:51,686 --> 00:16:52,851
Why?
396
00:16:54,587 --> 00:16:56,554
Maybe I really
am a rebel!
397
00:16:56,556 --> 00:16:57,622
You know,
in this life,
398
00:16:57,624 --> 00:17:00,225
there are more questions
than answers.
399
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:01,292
Ugh...
400
00:17:01,294 --> 00:17:02,961
Maybe it's meant
to be that way,
401
00:17:02,963 --> 00:17:04,862
so it keeps us
on our toes.
402
00:17:04,864 --> 00:17:06,364
You know, Mom...
What?
403
00:17:06,366 --> 00:17:07,865
Thanks.
404
00:17:07,867 --> 00:17:09,167
You're welcome.
405
00:17:10,870 --> 00:17:12,937
You're okay, kiddo.
406
00:17:15,475 --> 00:17:17,442
Okay, Jackie.
What do you think?
407
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:22,813
Roseanne, it's
a little revealing.
408
00:17:22,815 --> 00:17:25,115
I know. I bought it
for when Dan comes home,
409
00:17:25,117 --> 00:17:27,284
to distract him in case
he don't like the furniture.
410
00:17:28,789 --> 00:17:30,955
Well, it works,
'cause I'm your sister,
411
00:17:30,957 --> 00:17:32,757
and even I can't keep
my eyes off your rack.
412
00:17:35,261 --> 00:17:37,528
Well, it's common
knowledge, Jackie.
413
00:17:37,530 --> 00:17:40,965
Men prefer boobs over
end tables any day.
414
00:17:40,967 --> 00:17:43,101
[doorbell]
415
00:17:56,183 --> 00:17:59,049
God, it's real roses,
Jackie! Look!
416
00:17:59,051 --> 00:18:02,052
Not the hundred-
for-five-dollar roses.
417
00:18:02,054 --> 00:18:05,287
Carlos! He is so romantic!
418
00:18:05,289 --> 00:18:07,624
What in the hell
makes you think
they're from Carlos?
419
00:18:07,626 --> 00:18:10,526
Because your husband
wouldn't send you
any flowers!
420
00:18:10,528 --> 00:18:12,561
Yeah, but your
dirty-mouthed prince would!
421
00:18:12,563 --> 00:18:13,696
Yes, he would!
422
00:18:13,698 --> 00:18:16,265
[grunting]
423
00:18:16,267 --> 00:18:17,801
Get off!
[giggling]
424
00:18:20,672 --> 00:18:23,239
Ah! "Can't wait
to see you, honey."
425
00:18:23,241 --> 00:18:26,276
[cackles]
"There's no place
like home--"
426
00:18:26,278 --> 00:18:27,944
They're for me!
427
00:18:30,015 --> 00:18:32,182
"Can't wait to see
you, honey.
428
00:18:32,184 --> 00:18:33,882
"There's no place
like home. Love, Dan!"
429
00:18:37,155 --> 00:18:38,421
God. Jesus.
Oh, my God.
430
00:18:38,423 --> 00:18:40,122
Dan's expecting home.
431
00:18:40,124 --> 00:18:42,325
I mean, like the old home.
You know what I mean?
432
00:18:42,327 --> 00:18:46,228
Like the coffee table
with the beer can stains
on it home!
433
00:18:46,230 --> 00:18:47,830
My God! I gotta get
434
00:18:47,832 --> 00:18:50,132
some of the things
that he used to like,
and put 'em back out here.
435
00:18:50,134 --> 00:18:52,801
Maybe that'd help
ease his way into the new.
436
00:18:52,803 --> 00:18:54,837
Oh. Is this your
"I'm gonna be a
grandma" look?
437
00:18:57,341 --> 00:18:58,807
Hey, Darlene?
438
00:18:58,809 --> 00:19:01,443
We didn't get rid of
that dogs playing poker
picture, did we?
439
00:19:01,445 --> 00:19:04,645
Believe it or not,
somebody stole it
out of the garage.
440
00:19:04,647 --> 00:19:06,747
Go figure.
441
00:19:06,749 --> 00:19:08,850
I'm gonna have to
have that, 'cause
your dad loved it.
442
00:19:08,852 --> 00:19:10,418
Mrs. Conner, you--
you do know
443
00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:12,387
that that was just
a reproduction.
444
00:19:14,558 --> 00:19:16,056
Where can I get
another one?
445
00:19:16,058 --> 00:19:18,059
Have you checked
the Lanford House
of Velvet?
446
00:19:19,930 --> 00:19:22,029
You know, I could
paint you another one.
447
00:19:22,031 --> 00:19:23,765
And I could probably
do it just from memory.
448
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:25,400
Really?
Yeah. Sure.
449
00:19:25,402 --> 00:19:26,635
Yeah. It's one
of those images
450
00:19:26,637 --> 00:19:28,737
that sears itself
into your cornea.
451
00:19:30,173 --> 00:19:31,705
I'll go get started.
452
00:19:31,707 --> 00:19:34,609
Oh, my God, Jackie.
I'm just totally nervous!
453
00:19:34,611 --> 00:19:35,944
Everything in
the house is
454
00:19:35,946 --> 00:19:37,812
just too different.
I mean, including me.
455
00:19:37,814 --> 00:19:40,015
Ever since
I went to that spa,
I look different!
456
00:19:40,017 --> 00:19:42,683
Mmm...
no, you don't.
457
00:19:42,685 --> 00:19:44,853
Sure she does!
458
00:19:44,855 --> 00:19:46,754
Her hair's shinier--
459
00:19:46,756 --> 00:19:48,722
Oh, yeah. If there's
one thing Dad cares about,
460
00:19:48,724 --> 00:19:50,290
it's shiny hair.
461
00:19:51,961 --> 00:19:53,494
Well, all I know,
Jackie,
462
00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:56,063
is that Dan is not
gonna be returning
463
00:19:56,065 --> 00:19:59,233
to the demure little
Lanford hausfrau
464
00:19:59,235 --> 00:20:00,501
that he left behind.
465
00:20:00,503 --> 00:20:02,936
I've been out in the world.
I've lived!
466
00:20:02,938 --> 00:20:04,439
I've traveled!
467
00:20:04,441 --> 00:20:05,972
I've experienced
a million things.
468
00:20:05,974 --> 00:20:08,575
I've got a self-
defrosting freezer.
469
00:20:08,577 --> 00:20:10,844
And there is that little
matter of the terrorist.
470
00:20:10,846 --> 00:20:11,945
My God, Jackie.
471
00:20:11,947 --> 00:20:14,214
What kind of a man
wants to sleep with a woman
472
00:20:14,216 --> 00:20:16,116
who's thrown a man
off a train?
473
00:20:16,118 --> 00:20:18,885
Roseanne,
get a hold of yourself.
474
00:20:18,887 --> 00:20:21,688
Dan doesn't care
about that stuff.
475
00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:23,223
All he's ever
wanted, really,
476
00:20:23,225 --> 00:20:25,291
is just a place
to sit.
477
00:20:25,293 --> 00:20:26,960
My God, and I
gave that away!
478
00:20:28,663 --> 00:20:31,797
Dan doesn't care
how fancy all your
crap has gotten.
479
00:20:31,799 --> 00:20:33,733
He just wants you here.
You know that.
480
00:20:33,735 --> 00:20:35,768
What if--
Now just stop!
481
00:20:35,770 --> 00:20:37,303
What if? What if?
What if--
482
00:20:37,305 --> 00:20:39,172
What if cars
ran on spit?
483
00:20:41,042 --> 00:20:42,674
You know what
Nana Mary says.
484
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:46,246
There will always be
more questions than
answers in this life.
485
00:20:47,948 --> 00:20:51,217
Here you go. Sketched out
that picture of the dogs
for you.
486
00:20:51,219 --> 00:20:53,386
The poodle looks
a little like Becky.
487
00:20:53,388 --> 00:20:55,688
David!
488
00:20:55,690 --> 00:20:58,591
He did that from memory!
It's perfect!
489
00:20:58,593 --> 00:20:59,892
What are you, crazy?
490
00:20:59,894 --> 00:21:01,027
It's not even close!
491
00:21:01,029 --> 00:21:03,594
The bulldog is supposed
to have the full house.
492
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,364
And the Chihuahua
has the pair.
493
00:21:07,301 --> 00:21:09,969
So?
The bulldog has to win!
494
00:21:09,971 --> 00:21:11,703
That's the whole point
of the painting!
495
00:21:14,475 --> 00:21:15,807
Oh, my God!
I know what!
496
00:21:15,809 --> 00:21:17,343
Oh, I know. I've got
something in the bedroom
497
00:21:17,345 --> 00:21:20,079
that will make Dan
really, really excited
to be home.
498
00:21:20,081 --> 00:21:23,115
Okay. It's another
eye-popping cleavage
outfit.
499
00:21:24,651 --> 00:21:26,617
Huh? Here we go.
500
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:29,288
Yeah? Yeah. I'm going
to put this right back
501
00:21:29,290 --> 00:21:30,855
on the mantelpiece
over the--
502
00:21:30,857 --> 00:21:32,824
Oh, God!
[gasps]
503
00:21:32,826 --> 00:21:34,660
I got rid of
the fireplace!
504
00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:15,433
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