Original subtitles

Another two weeks?

But, Dan, I want you home.

We've never been apart on Thanksgiving.

I miss you.

No, I'm not gonna cry.

So how is your mom?

[sternly] Good.

Well, you've missed a lot of stuff around here.

Darlene's oldest daughter won the spelling bee,

and, uh, D.J. just got out of the joint yesterday, served three of the five.

And did I tell you I want you home?

[sighs] God, Dan, without you here, just...

things just aren't the same.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

This new toaster blows my mind.

I mean, every morning, I've selected a different shade, you know,

and it has yet to disappoint.

Plus, the toast doesn't just pop up,

it gently ascends.

Man, I hope that dullness gene is recessive.

Good morning.

Happy Turkey Day, Mrs. Conner.

You want a cup of coffee? Yeah, thanks.

Hey! Where is my "My other mug is a shot glass" mug?

I put the coffee mugs here above the coffee machine.

It just makes more sense.

I'll move 'em back now.

Hi, everybody.

Darlene, how ya doing, huh?

Well, I've had morning sickness, evening sickness,

"roll down the window when you're driving" sickness.

My shoes don't fit. My rings don't fit. My clothes don't fit.

My vision's blurry.

And if you want to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand-new hemorrhoids.

It takes about ten minutes.

Yeah, well...

I still cannot get over this place.

It's so bright and shiny.

Clean.

Clean! That's what it is!

It's clean! That's what it is.

Cooking would ruin it.

Hey, hey, hey! Have you checked out my new cupboards, though?

Real wood! Not the peel-off kind.

Well, do you have any idea

what these babies go for on The Price is Right?

You are livin' large.

And it only gets larger, Jackie. Listen.

I don't hear a thing.

Exactly.

Whisper-quiet, because this new dishwasher

is top 'o the line. Aw!

Yes, sirree. The Conner family has entered the 1970s.

Hello!

[both gasp]

Caterers! I love you!

And it's real this time.

Not like that fleeting love I had for pizza delivery boy.

Now, I need to know where you keep your silverware.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Where'd you move my spoons?

Uh, I thought a closer proximity to--

My mistake.

So, is there anything at all that we can--

Nothing. Excuse me. Sure.

Sorry.

You know, uh, usually, I, uh--

you know, I'd be a lot more help.

Working!

Dear, why don't you do nothing... in the living room.

So, uh...

Hey, let's watch the Macy's Parade.

Yeah. You know, I've never actually seen that.

I could use a nap.

Isn't this couch awesome?

It's green and slanty.

What's not to like?

Yeah, and that TV just makes the room, doesn't it?

Watching insects do it on the Discovery Channel now

is gonna be really creepy.

You don't think it's too big, do ya?

I mean, everything is kinda workin', right?

Well, no--Yeah, absolutely.

It works. It just, you know,

it takes a little bit of getting used to.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

Aah! Aah!

It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. It's only Al Roker.

[Announcer on TV] ...steps back into the pocket...

[all yelling]

Jeez!

But, man, Andy, look!

Doesn't it look like the players are coming right at you?

Yeah!

Look! I'm the same size as these guys!

Hit me! I'm open! I'm open!

What a TV!

You know, it's no wonder men fall asleep on holidays.

It is exhausting watching people cook.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I would have been here sooner,

but homeless people were lined up around the shelter,

and they caused a horrible traffic jam.

It's so inconvenient.

They should close on holidays.

Mother, I am so proud of you.

You've learned to say "homeless people" instead of "bums."

What's that?

It's a Jell-O mould with kiwis.

Mother!

We have caterers this year. Everything is done.

Did they bring a Jell-O mould?

No, they did not.

Well, then I suppose someone should say, "Thank you, Mother."

Go ahead, Jimmy.

Thank you, Mother!

[all yelling]

Oh! Oh!

Butterfingers!

Man, there must be, like, ten guys in that pile.

Ten guys in a pile.

New Year's Eve 1976.

Oh! Columbus Day 1938.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

There's no eating in the living room!

Since when?

Since... I don't know.

But you're not supposed to eat

in a nice living room like this, are you?

We have our shirts on.

Yeah, well, that doesn't matter 'cause I've seen,

you know, pictures of fancy living rooms in magazines.

Now, they either have food in them or people in them,

but they never have both.

God!

A little Architectural Digest is a dangerous thing.

[doorbell rings] [all chatting]

Can anybody hear the doorbell?

Yes. Yeah, we heard it.

Jackie.

Happy Thanksgiving. Carlos.

It's a pleasure to see you again.

And you.

Everyone rise!

May I present to you Prince Carlos Phillip Jonathon Kent

Arthur William Hobson Peppy Charmaine.

Hello, everyone.

Your Highness, I just want you to know

we have that picture of you and Leon dancing together

right up on our mantle next to our wedding picture.

Yeah, it's lit by a baby spot in a soft pink filter.

Well, thank you.

Look at that! That guy split his pants down the back!

Don't go to commercial!

Oh, my! Is that how you drink in Maldavia?

Yes, but don't feel you have to keep up with me.

I'll get us a couple more glasses

and then we'll see who keeps up with whom, you naughty prince.

You scare him off, I'll break your good hip.

Roseanne, what are you doing in here?

I'm helping.

Oh, God! Those smell great!

They're yams étouffée.

Yams? Where's the marshmallows?

At a Girl Scout picnic where they belong.

Putting marshmallows on the yams is the fun part.

Listen, if you want marshmallows on your yams, let me do it.

All right. Roseanne, you're paying these guys a lot of money to do the job,

so let--now, come on, come on.

No. I have nothing to do out there.

Well, you have nothing to do in here, either.

All right, fine. I'll be out there in a minute.

59, 58, 57,

56, 55, 54...

[Bev] Here's how!

[laughs]

Back in a jiffy.

Hey, Prince, did you father ever fix that leaky roof

on the east wing of the palace?

Yes, but how on earth did you know about that?

Well, I boinked your father a couple of times.

To Moldavia.

Free Moldavia!

Mother, are you harassing the Prince?

Must you puncture every balloon I send up?

Carlos, is she bothering you?

[Southern accent] Oh, no sirree Bob!

No sirree...what?

[posh accent] Oh, dear. I'm sorry.

I went two years to the University of Texas,

and every now and again after a few cocktails,

I have sort of a linguistic flashback.

Oh, I see. But you're okay now?

[Southern accent] You betcha, sister.

Yee-haw!

[post accent] I mean, yes, of course.

Coming! Coming!

Oh, he spilled!

Mayday! Mayday! We're going down!

[Jerry cries]

Jerry, Jerry, don't cry.

You didn't do it, the grownups did.

Look, Jerry, Mr. Napkin is cleaning up that evil old adult beverage.

Zoom, zoom, zoom!

All gone!

You know, you guys are pretty good with kids.

How does a buck an hour and all the Froot Loops you can eat sound?

Well, we have been reading up a lot lately on raising children.

Should I tell 'em?

Leon, we decided to wait until we were sure.

Oh, I know, and...

I know, but I'm just so excited, Scott.

Oh, go, go.

Everybody...

Scott and I are going to adopt a baby.

That is so great! Thank you.

That really is great.

You know, that My Two Dads was a great show.

Congratulations, you guys. Thank you, David.

You know, just for the hell of it,

why don't one of you have something ripped from your pelvis anyway?

You're gonna adopt a baby?

Well, we tried to conceive naturally,

but we just didn't seem to have any luck at all.

Well, I'm appalled!

The very idea!

Two gay men adopting a child!

Mother--

I read somewhere that this is how they recruit.

They can't have children of their own,

so they have to adopt to freshen their ranks.

Hey, Mom, what do you say after dinner

me and you just march right into Austria?

Stay out of their business, Mother.

Don't you tell me what to do!

Why don't you just drink up, Bev?

You've got a long drive home.

Wait! Wait! Just a minute.

I'm watching the game.

I know what I know, and that is a fact!

I will not be reasoned with!

You don't know squat!

I do know one thing.

Daughters can tear the heart out of a mother

with one word.

Oh, just name the word, Mom!

I have told you that every holiday at Roseanne's ends up insanity.

Well, don't start or they'll turn on us.

Everyone, stop fighting.

I'm not fighting!

I'm saving civilization. Anarchy!

Anarchy!

Wow! The acoustics in this new room

just make a fight sound swell!

[all talking, yelling]

[all talking]

It is true!

Look it up!

73% of all children raised by homosexuals

turn out to be choreographers.

That's crap, Mom.

That is just like your theory

about half the Supreme Court being on the Vatican payroll.

See? I told you we should have kept our mouths shut.

You know, you're binding me.

[Southern accent] Whoa-wee!

It's hotter than a jalapeno in hell in here.

Carlos, what are you doing?

I'm just getting homey, sweet pea.

Well, what do you say we red light the wine for now?

Okay, just let me top off that tank.

Uh, you know, there's a lot of negativity and--and...

alcohol in this room.

I think it would be great if we all just went around the table

and said one thing that we're really thankful for.

For God's sake!

Hey, come on now. I think David's dumb idea is great.

Everybody go around and say something that you're thankful for.

That's wonderful.

Well, I'm happy we won all that money.

Not just the money, but the stuff the money bought us, you know?

No! No! No! Not about the money.

You know, something more meaningful,

something important to you.

I can't. I-- I'm sorry.

You're married to my daughter, Mark.

Dear Lord, thank you for Mrs. Conner's daughter,

the blonde one. Thanks, again.

Yeah, and I'm thankful for all this delicious food,

and, uh...

the cute guys who are serving it.

Well, I'm thankful that my life experience

has allowed me to remain open-minded.

Stop making a ball out of your bread.

Well, I would like to give thanks

that I am not a young child being raised

by two very tasteful, but nonetheless light in the loafers-

Mom! Mom! Look around you.

Nobody's talking about that anymore.

I just don't think two men should raise a child.

I married a man.

He was cruel to my children and cheated on me.

He had horrible table manners.

And he made me drive a old car with bald tires!

The bastard!

Mother! Try to save a little something for Christmas.

And he's not the only man like that.

They're all cut from the same cloth,

which is why I don't particularly care for men.

Frankly, to sleep with a man is to know how much you hate them.

By the end of my marriage,

the only way I could have sex with my husband

was if I stomped off to the store

and bought myself a Playboy first!

Well...

I think Grandma's just outed herself.

Oh, God!

I've always know it since she was a little girl.

She always liked flannel.

You acted on this?

With who? When? How? No, don't tell me.

Pass the yams!

Amongst us royalty, most everybody's gay.

We just marry so folks won't hang us.

You know what just really fries me?

Our whole lives,

you make me and Jackie dress up like little baby dolls, you know.

You paint our fingernails,

you tell us always to cross our legs

and act like little ladies.

You're like, "Don't ever act too smart

'cause you may not get a man."

And now here you are sitting there,

my right wing Conservative, Republican mother,

is a great big old lesbo.

Welcome to the club, Bev.

We'll teach you the secret handshake.

You hate it all, don't you?

No, I don't hate it.

It's just kinda like I miss some stuff, you know?

Like the couch and that spot on the rug that used to look like Mr. French.

Well, I'm kinda embarrassed to tell you this,

but I didn't give all our stuff to charity like you asked.

I saved some stuff.

Yeah? No kidding? Like what?

Like that picture of the dogs playing poker,

and that lamp that D.J. hit his head on...

you know, after I threw it at him.

And there's one other thing.

Oh! Man! The afghan!

Hey! That looks different.

You didn't wash it, did ya?

God no.

Hmm. Yeah.

[sighs] I don't know.

It just didn't feel like a regular Thanksgiving, did it?

Well, it did have its weird moments...

what with Grandma saying she was gay

and the Prince going Ozark on us.

No, that part felt like the regular Thanksgiving.

It's just--I mean, like, I'm not tired,

my back doesn't hurt, I don't have any burns on my hands.

Well, have another piece of pie,

maybe you'll get indigestion.

It's just the weirdest thing, you know?

'Cause, like, when you're poor,

you hear people say stuff like, uh,

"Money doesn't buy happiness."

And right away you think,

"Oh, you're just not shopping at the right place, idiot."

And then we win this big lottery, you know,

we go crazy at the spa and in New York and...

come back home and...

your Dad's not here...

and it's Thanksgiving, you know...

I haven't done anything for my family.

I don't know. I just realized that...

money is just...money.

Psst. You guys, do you know--

are we supposed to tip the caterers?

'Cause I just heard one of them say,

"Those rich bozos wouldn't know the holiday spirit

if it bit 'em in the ass."

Tip the caterers?

Usually our biggest problem

is whether to scrub the pan or just throw it out.

I just feel like I want to do something, you know?

I don't wanna feel like this big, useless rich jerk.

Come on, Mom, you're not useless.

You bought dinner for all of us.

Yeah, but that's not my style.

I'm not the kind of person that buys stuff.

I'm the kind of person that does stuff.

You can buy stuff and do stuff, too.

Yeah.

Here's what we ought to do.

Okay, uh, here's a plate and an extra plate

in case that guy you're talking to ever shows up.

Here you go.

You know, if you were down at the mission,

they'd make you sing a dozen hymns

before they doled out the chow.

Hey, weren't you in line just a couple minutes ago with a different hat?

I admire your style.

Jackie, give this guy an extra helping of them French yams.

Yes, sir. Delicious buttery yams.

If you want any more, come back,

but do remember they are high in fat.

Hey, Mom, this was a great idea.

Yeah, it really was, wasn't it?

I mean, I'm feeding people,

I'm exhausted, I busted up a fight,

I burned the hell out of my finger.

Finally, it feels like Thanksgiving.

Well, honey, it's every man's dream, huh?

A great meal, an overtime football game,

and now we get to watch The Wizard of Oz.

Perfect. Perfect holiday.

Judy.

How about our Cowardly Lion here?

I heard he wasn't so cowardly.

Oh, stop it!

I'll tell you something else I've heard about the Tin Man.

What? All true.

He was not just tin: steel.

Yeah, steel.

There were rumors that they were gay.

But in those days, there were rumors that everyone was gay,

except, of course, ironically, Rock Hudson and Liberace.

Nobody dreamt that Rock Hudson--

Well, they dreamt-- We could dream.

Thank God I'm not a lesbian, though.

Why's that?

Well, you now... what do you do?

With women? I don't know.

I've always-- What do you do?

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA