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1
00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:07,406
Another two weeks?
2
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:08,907
But, Dan,
I want you home.
3
00:00:08,977 --> 00:00:12,244
We've never been apart
on Thanksgiving.
4
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:14,345
I miss you.
5
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:17,716
No, I'm not gonna cry.
6
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:20,351
So how is your mom?
7
00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:22,853
[sternly]
Good.
8
00:00:22,922 --> 00:00:25,356
Well, you've missed
a lot of stuff around here.
9
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:27,925
Darlene's oldest daughter
won the spelling bee,
10
00:00:27,994 --> 00:00:33,197
and, uh, D.J. just got out
of the joint yesterday,
served three of the five.
11
00:00:33,265 --> 00:00:36,633
And did I tell you
I want you home?
12
00:00:36,702 --> 00:00:40,169
[sighs]
God, Dan,
without you here, just...
13
00:00:40,238 --> 00:00:42,538
things just
aren't the same.
14
00:00:46,444 --> 00:00:51,046
♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪
15
00:00:51,116 --> 00:00:53,214
♪ We're gonna last longer ♪
16
00:00:53,284 --> 00:00:56,051
♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪
17
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:59,220
♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪
18
00:00:59,289 --> 00:01:03,391
♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪
19
00:01:03,460 --> 00:01:05,560
♪ While waiting for my turn ♪
20
00:01:05,629 --> 00:01:08,563
♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪
21
00:01:08,632 --> 00:01:11,732
♪ But you also get some sun ♪
22
00:01:11,801 --> 00:01:15,735
♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪
23
00:01:15,804 --> 00:01:18,572
♪ Hear what I say ♪
24
00:01:18,641 --> 00:01:23,242
♪ Yeah, any day ♪
25
00:01:28,150 --> 00:01:30,117
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
26
00:01:34,655 --> 00:01:36,956
This new toaster
blows my mind.
27
00:01:37,025 --> 00:01:41,860
I mean, every morning,
I've selected a different
shade, you know,
28
00:01:41,930 --> 00:01:45,231
and it has yet
to disappoint.
29
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,669
Plus, the toast doesn't
just pop up,
30
00:01:50,738 --> 00:01:53,405
it gently ascends.
31
00:01:53,474 --> 00:01:57,708
Man, I hope that dullness
gene is recessive.
32
00:02:00,179 --> 00:02:01,612
Good morning.
33
00:02:01,681 --> 00:02:03,280
Happy Turkey Day,
Mrs. Conner.
34
00:02:03,349 --> 00:02:06,316
You want
a cup of coffee?
Yeah, thanks.
35
00:02:06,385 --> 00:02:11,821
Hey! Where is my
"My other mug is
a shot glass" mug?
36
00:02:11,890 --> 00:02:14,624
I put the coffee mugs
here above the coffee
machine.
37
00:02:14,693 --> 00:02:15,991
It just makes
more sense.
38
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:19,695
I'll move 'em back now.
39
00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:22,698
Hi, everybody.
40
00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:25,734
Darlene, how ya
doing, huh?
41
00:02:25,803 --> 00:02:28,537
Well, I've had
morning sickness,
evening sickness,
42
00:02:28,605 --> 00:02:30,271
"roll down the window
when you're driving" sickness.
43
00:02:30,340 --> 00:02:32,808
My shoes don't fit.
My rings don't fit.
My clothes don't fit.
44
00:02:32,876 --> 00:02:34,575
My vision's blurry.
45
00:02:34,644 --> 00:02:37,912
And if you want to sit a spell,
I'll tell you about
my brand-new hemorrhoids.
46
00:02:40,716 --> 00:02:42,317
It takes about
ten minutes.
47
00:02:42,384 --> 00:02:44,718
Yeah, well...
48
00:02:44,787 --> 00:02:47,787
I still cannot
get over this place.
49
00:02:47,857 --> 00:02:50,291
It's so bright
and shiny.
50
00:02:50,359 --> 00:02:51,625
Clean.
51
00:02:51,694 --> 00:02:53,561
Clean!
That's what it is!
52
00:02:53,629 --> 00:02:55,896
It's clean!
That's what it is.
53
00:02:55,964 --> 00:02:57,330
Cooking would ruin it.
54
00:02:57,399 --> 00:02:59,733
Hey, hey, hey!
Have you checked out
my new cupboards, though?
55
00:02:59,801 --> 00:03:02,135
Real wood!
Not the peel-off kind.
56
00:03:02,203 --> 00:03:04,436
Well, do you
have any idea
57
00:03:04,505 --> 00:03:07,473
what these babies go for
on The Price is Right?
58
00:03:07,541 --> 00:03:10,275
You are livin' large.
59
00:03:10,344 --> 00:03:13,345
And it only gets larger,
Jackie. Listen.
60
00:03:14,715 --> 00:03:16,515
I don't hear a thing.
61
00:03:16,584 --> 00:03:18,850
Exactly.
62
00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:21,753
Whisper-quiet,
because this
new dishwasher
63
00:03:21,822 --> 00:03:24,389
is top 'o the line.
Aw!
64
00:03:24,457 --> 00:03:28,825
Yes, sirree.
The Conner family has
entered the 1970s.
65
00:03:28,895 --> 00:03:30,794
Hello!
66
00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:32,462
[both gasp]
67
00:03:32,531 --> 00:03:35,165
Caterers!
I love you!
68
00:03:35,234 --> 00:03:36,499
And it's real this time.
69
00:03:36,568 --> 00:03:40,270
Not like that fleeting love
I had for pizza delivery boy.
70
00:03:40,338 --> 00:03:43,539
Now, I need to know
where you keep
your silverware.
71
00:03:43,608 --> 00:03:45,375
Oh, yeah, sure.
72
00:03:48,547 --> 00:03:50,614
Where'd you move
my spoons?
73
00:03:50,682 --> 00:03:53,049
Uh, I thought a closer
proximity to--
74
00:03:53,118 --> 00:03:55,750
My mistake.
75
00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:02,924
So, is there anything at all
that we can--
76
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:05,827
Nothing. Excuse me.
Sure.
77
00:04:05,896 --> 00:04:07,628
Sorry.
78
00:04:07,697 --> 00:04:10,164
You know, uh,
usually, I, uh--
79
00:04:10,234 --> 00:04:11,566
you know, I'd be
a lot more help.
80
00:04:11,634 --> 00:04:13,601
Working!
81
00:04:16,105 --> 00:04:20,507
Dear, why don't you
do nothing...
in the living room.
82
00:04:21,676 --> 00:04:23,210
So, uh...
83
00:04:23,278 --> 00:04:25,145
Hey, let's watch
the Macy's Parade.
84
00:04:25,214 --> 00:04:27,814
Yeah. You know,
I've never actually seen that.
85
00:04:27,882 --> 00:04:30,449
I could use a nap.
86
00:04:31,686 --> 00:04:34,220
Isn't this couch awesome?
87
00:04:34,289 --> 00:04:37,457
It's green and slanty.
88
00:04:37,526 --> 00:04:39,325
What's not to like?
89
00:04:39,394 --> 00:04:42,226
Yeah, and that TV just
makes the room, doesn't it?
90
00:04:42,295 --> 00:04:45,297
Watching insects do it on
the Discovery Channel now
91
00:04:45,365 --> 00:04:48,333
is gonna be
really creepy.
92
00:04:48,401 --> 00:04:50,535
You don't think
it's too big, do ya?
93
00:04:50,603 --> 00:04:54,004
I mean, everything is
kinda workin', right?
94
00:04:54,073 --> 00:04:55,440
Well, no--Yeah,
absolutely.
95
00:04:55,509 --> 00:04:57,542
It works. It just,
you know,
96
00:04:57,610 --> 00:04:59,710
it takes a little bit
of getting used to.
97
00:04:59,778 --> 00:05:01,545
Yeah.
98
00:05:01,613 --> 00:05:03,013
Yeah, you're right.
99
00:05:04,550 --> 00:05:06,082
Aah!
Aah!
100
00:05:06,152 --> 00:05:09,720
It's okay.
It's okay.
101
00:05:09,788 --> 00:05:13,156
It's okay.
It's only Al Roker.
102
00:05:17,396 --> 00:05:19,028
[Announcer on TV] ...steps back into the pocket...
103
00:05:19,097 --> 00:05:21,930
[all yelling]
104
00:05:21,999 --> 00:05:23,098
Jeez!
105
00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:24,601
But, man, Andy, look!
106
00:05:24,670 --> 00:05:26,935
Doesn't it look like
the players are coming
right at you?
107
00:05:27,004 --> 00:05:28,937
Yeah!
108
00:05:29,006 --> 00:05:31,639
Look! I'm the same size
as these guys!
109
00:05:31,708 --> 00:05:34,710
Hit me!
I'm open! I'm open!
110
00:05:36,813 --> 00:05:38,779
What a TV!
111
00:05:41,351 --> 00:05:43,883
You know, it's no wonder
men fall asleep on holidays.
112
00:05:43,953 --> 00:05:47,654
It is exhausting
watching people cook.
113
00:05:49,525 --> 00:05:53,626
Happy Thanksgiving,
everyone!
114
00:05:53,696 --> 00:05:56,129
I would have
been here sooner,
115
00:05:56,198 --> 00:05:58,599
but homeless people
were lined up
around the shelter,
116
00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:00,833
and they caused
a horrible traffic jam.
117
00:06:00,901 --> 00:06:02,768
It's so inconvenient.
118
00:06:02,837 --> 00:06:05,304
They should close
on holidays.
119
00:06:05,373 --> 00:06:07,840
Mother, I am
so proud of you.
120
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:11,210
You've learned to say
"homeless people"
instead of "bums."
121
00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:13,445
What's that?
122
00:06:13,514 --> 00:06:15,514
It's a Jell-O mould
with kiwis.
123
00:06:15,582 --> 00:06:17,215
Mother!
124
00:06:17,284 --> 00:06:20,751
We have caterers this year.
Everything is done.
125
00:06:20,820 --> 00:06:22,620
Did they bring
a Jell-O mould?
126
00:06:22,688 --> 00:06:25,722
No, they did not.
127
00:06:25,792 --> 00:06:30,827
Well, then I suppose
someone should say,
"Thank you, Mother."
128
00:06:30,896 --> 00:06:32,462
Go ahead, Jimmy.
129
00:06:32,531 --> 00:06:34,798
Thank you, Mother!
130
00:06:38,270 --> 00:06:39,770
[all yelling]
131
00:06:39,838 --> 00:06:41,571
Oh!
Oh!
132
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,039
Butterfingers!
133
00:06:44,108 --> 00:06:46,843
Man, there must be, like,
ten guys in that pile.
134
00:06:46,912 --> 00:06:51,280
Ten guys in a pile.
135
00:06:51,349 --> 00:06:55,851
New Year's Eve 1976.
136
00:06:55,920 --> 00:07:01,256
Oh! Columbus Day 1938.
137
00:07:01,325 --> 00:07:03,225
Hey! Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
138
00:07:03,294 --> 00:07:05,494
There's no eating
in the living room!
139
00:07:05,562 --> 00:07:07,061
Since when?
140
00:07:07,129 --> 00:07:09,631
Since...
I don't know.
141
00:07:09,699 --> 00:07:10,798
But you're not
supposed to eat
142
00:07:10,867 --> 00:07:12,366
in a nice living room
like this, are you?
143
00:07:12,435 --> 00:07:14,635
We have our shirts on.
144
00:07:14,704 --> 00:07:16,769
Yeah, well,
that doesn't matter
'cause I've seen,
145
00:07:16,838 --> 00:07:19,839
you know, pictures of
fancy living rooms
in magazines.
146
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:22,275
Now, they either have
food in them or
people in them,
147
00:07:22,345 --> 00:07:24,343
but they never
have both.
148
00:07:24,413 --> 00:07:27,947
God!
149
00:07:28,016 --> 00:07:32,785
A little
Architectural Digest
is a dangerous thing.
150
00:07:32,854 --> 00:07:34,954
[doorbell rings]
[all chatting]
151
00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:37,156
Can anybody hear
the doorbell?
152
00:07:37,225 --> 00:07:39,091
Yes.
Yeah, we heard it.
153
00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:43,495
Jackie.
154
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:45,463
Happy Thanksgiving.
Carlos.
155
00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:47,266
It's a pleasure
to see you again.
156
00:07:47,335 --> 00:07:49,100
And you.
157
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:51,803
Everyone rise!
158
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:58,243
May I present to you
Prince Carlos Phillip
Jonathon Kent
159
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:03,280
Arthur William Hobson
Peppy Charmaine.
160
00:08:03,349 --> 00:08:05,215
Hello, everyone.
161
00:08:05,283 --> 00:08:07,083
Your Highness,
I just want you to know
162
00:08:07,152 --> 00:08:09,452
we have that picture of you
and Leon dancing together
163
00:08:09,521 --> 00:08:11,687
right up on our mantle
next to our wedding picture.
164
00:08:11,756 --> 00:08:16,526
Yeah, it's lit by
a baby spot in
a soft pink filter.
165
00:08:16,594 --> 00:08:17,793
Well, thank you.
166
00:08:17,861 --> 00:08:20,864
Look at that!
That guy split his pants
down the back!
167
00:08:20,932 --> 00:08:24,099
Don't go to commercial!
168
00:08:26,736 --> 00:08:30,205
Oh, my! Is that how you
drink in Maldavia?
169
00:08:30,273 --> 00:08:32,907
Yes, but don't feel
you have to keep up with me.
170
00:08:38,415 --> 00:08:40,214
I'll get us
a couple more glasses
171
00:08:40,283 --> 00:08:44,150
and then we'll see who
keeps up with whom,
you naughty prince.
172
00:08:46,588 --> 00:08:50,123
You scare him off,
I'll break your good hip.
173
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:53,759
Roseanne, what are you
doing in here?
174
00:08:53,828 --> 00:08:56,029
I'm helping.
175
00:08:57,500 --> 00:08:59,965
Oh, God!
Those smell great!
176
00:09:00,034 --> 00:09:02,601
They're yams
étouffée.
177
00:09:02,670 --> 00:09:06,305
Yams?
Where's the marshmallows?
178
00:09:06,374 --> 00:09:09,173
At a Girl Scout picnic
where they belong.
179
00:09:09,242 --> 00:09:13,344
Putting marshmallows
on the yams is the fun part.
180
00:09:13,413 --> 00:09:16,714
Listen, if you want
marshmallows on
your yams, let me do it.
181
00:09:16,783 --> 00:09:19,550
All right. Roseanne,
you're paying these guys
a lot of money to do the job,
182
00:09:19,619 --> 00:09:21,286
so let--now, come on,
come on.
183
00:09:21,355 --> 00:09:23,320
No. I have nothing
to do out there.
184
00:09:23,390 --> 00:09:26,023
Well, you have nothing
to do in here, either.
185
00:09:26,092 --> 00:09:28,692
All right, fine. I'll be
out there in a minute.
186
00:09:28,761 --> 00:09:32,762
59, 58, 57,
187
00:09:32,831 --> 00:09:36,967
56, 55, 54...
188
00:09:38,604 --> 00:09:40,202
[Bev]
Here's how!
189
00:09:42,809 --> 00:09:43,872
[laughs]
190
00:09:43,942 --> 00:09:46,109
Back in a jiffy.
191
00:09:46,178 --> 00:09:49,678
Hey, Prince,
did you father ever fix
that leaky roof
192
00:09:49,746 --> 00:09:51,514
on the east wing
of the palace?
193
00:09:51,583 --> 00:09:54,148
Yes, but how on earth
did you know about that?
194
00:09:54,218 --> 00:09:57,186
Well, I boinked your father
a couple of times.
195
00:10:00,157 --> 00:10:01,323
To Moldavia.
196
00:10:01,391 --> 00:10:03,425
Free Moldavia!
197
00:10:03,494 --> 00:10:06,293
Mother, are you harassing
the Prince?
198
00:10:09,665 --> 00:10:14,000
Must you puncture every
balloon I send up?
199
00:10:14,069 --> 00:10:16,303
Carlos, is she bothering you?
200
00:10:16,373 --> 00:10:19,674
[Southern accent]
Oh, no sirree Bob!
201
00:10:19,741 --> 00:10:21,274
No sirree...what?
202
00:10:21,343 --> 00:10:22,942
[posh accent]
Oh, dear. I'm sorry.
203
00:10:23,011 --> 00:10:26,446
I went two years to
the University of Texas,
204
00:10:26,515 --> 00:10:29,549
and every now and again
after a few cocktails,
205
00:10:29,618 --> 00:10:31,917
I have sort of
a linguistic
flashback.
206
00:10:31,986 --> 00:10:33,385
Oh, I see.
But you're okay now?
207
00:10:33,454 --> 00:10:35,720
[Southern accent]
You betcha, sister.
208
00:10:35,790 --> 00:10:37,256
Yee-haw!
209
00:10:39,626 --> 00:10:41,393
[post accent]
I mean, yes, of course.
210
00:10:42,463 --> 00:10:45,196
Coming! Coming!
211
00:10:45,264 --> 00:10:46,397
Oh, he spilled!
212
00:10:46,465 --> 00:10:47,766
Mayday! Mayday!
We're going down!
213
00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:49,500
[Jerry cries]
214
00:10:49,569 --> 00:10:51,835
Jerry, Jerry, don't cry.
215
00:10:51,904 --> 00:10:53,537
You didn't do it,
the grownups did.
216
00:10:53,606 --> 00:10:56,807
Look, Jerry, Mr. Napkin
is cleaning up that evil
old adult beverage.
217
00:10:56,876 --> 00:10:58,174
Zoom, zoom, zoom!
218
00:10:58,244 --> 00:10:59,911
All gone!
219
00:10:59,979 --> 00:11:02,179
You know, you guys are
pretty good with kids.
220
00:11:02,247 --> 00:11:05,515
How does a buck an hour
and all the Froot Loops
you can eat sound?
221
00:11:05,584 --> 00:11:10,286
Well, we have been
reading up a lot lately
on raising children.
222
00:11:11,756 --> 00:11:12,789
Should I tell 'em?
223
00:11:12,857 --> 00:11:15,091
Leon, we decided to wait
until we were sure.
224
00:11:15,159 --> 00:11:16,225
Oh, I know, and...
225
00:11:16,294 --> 00:11:18,394
I know, but I'm just
so excited, Scott.
226
00:11:18,463 --> 00:11:19,495
Oh, go, go.
227
00:11:19,564 --> 00:11:22,097
Everybody...
228
00:11:22,165 --> 00:11:26,067
Scott and I are going
to adopt a baby.
229
00:11:26,136 --> 00:11:28,670
That is so great!
Thank you.
230
00:11:28,740 --> 00:11:30,305
That really is great.
231
00:11:30,374 --> 00:11:33,708
You know,
that My Two Dads
was a great show.
232
00:11:35,446 --> 00:11:37,712
Congratulations, you guys.
Thank you, David.
233
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,279
You know, just for
the hell of it,
234
00:11:39,348 --> 00:11:42,082
why don't one of you
have something ripped
from your pelvis anyway?
235
00:11:48,257 --> 00:11:51,323
You're gonna adopt a baby?
236
00:11:51,393 --> 00:11:54,460
Well, we tried
to conceive naturally,
237
00:11:54,529 --> 00:11:57,696
but we just didn't seem
to have any luck at all.
238
00:12:00,735 --> 00:12:02,568
Well, I'm appalled!
239
00:12:02,637 --> 00:12:04,302
The very idea!
240
00:12:04,371 --> 00:12:07,640
Two gay men
adopting a child!
241
00:12:07,709 --> 00:12:08,807
Mother--
242
00:12:08,876 --> 00:12:13,078
I read somewhere
that this is how
they recruit.
243
00:12:13,147 --> 00:12:16,281
They can't have
children of their own,
244
00:12:16,350 --> 00:12:21,119
so they have to adopt
to freshen their ranks.
245
00:12:21,187 --> 00:12:23,187
Hey, Mom, what do you
say after dinner
246
00:12:23,255 --> 00:12:26,824
me and you just march
right into Austria?
247
00:12:26,892 --> 00:12:28,992
Stay out of their
business, Mother.
248
00:12:29,061 --> 00:12:31,729
Don't you tell me
what to do!
249
00:12:31,797 --> 00:12:33,630
Why don't you just
drink up, Bev?
250
00:12:33,699 --> 00:12:36,232
You've got
a long drive home.
251
00:12:36,301 --> 00:12:38,970
Wait! Wait!
Just a minute.
252
00:12:39,038 --> 00:12:40,169
I'm watching the game.
253
00:12:40,238 --> 00:12:42,805
I know what I know,
and that is a fact!
254
00:12:42,874 --> 00:12:44,607
I will not be
reasoned with!
255
00:12:44,676 --> 00:12:46,175
You don't know squat!
256
00:12:46,244 --> 00:12:48,111
I do know one thing.
257
00:12:48,179 --> 00:12:51,614
Daughters can tear
the heart out
of a mother
258
00:12:51,682 --> 00:12:53,149
with one word.
259
00:12:53,217 --> 00:12:57,753
Oh, just name
the word, Mom!
260
00:13:00,157 --> 00:13:04,526
I have told you that
every holiday at Roseanne's
ends up insanity.
261
00:13:04,594 --> 00:13:06,461
Well, don't start
or they'll turn on us.
262
00:13:06,530 --> 00:13:08,696
Everyone, stop fighting.
263
00:13:08,765 --> 00:13:10,365
I'm not fighting!
264
00:13:10,433 --> 00:13:13,366
I'm saving civilization.
Anarchy!
265
00:13:13,435 --> 00:13:14,468
Anarchy!
266
00:13:14,536 --> 00:13:16,871
Wow! The acoustics
in this new room
267
00:13:16,940 --> 00:13:20,607
just make a fight
sound swell!
268
00:13:20,676 --> 00:13:22,776
[all talking, yelling]
269
00:13:26,247 --> 00:13:28,281
[all talking]
270
00:13:31,386 --> 00:13:32,985
It is true!
271
00:13:33,054 --> 00:13:34,286
Look it up!
272
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:37,857
73% of all children
raised by homosexuals
273
00:13:37,926 --> 00:13:40,792
turn out to be
choreographers.
274
00:13:40,861 --> 00:13:42,593
That's crap, Mom.
275
00:13:42,663 --> 00:13:44,228
That is just like
your theory
276
00:13:44,297 --> 00:13:48,899
about half the Supreme Court
being on the Vatican payroll.
277
00:13:48,968 --> 00:13:51,167
See? I told you we should
have kept our mouths shut.
278
00:13:51,236 --> 00:13:53,805
You know,
you're binding me.
279
00:13:53,873 --> 00:13:56,539
[Southern accent]
Whoa-wee!
280
00:13:56,608 --> 00:13:59,877
It's hotter than
a jalapeno in hell in here.
281
00:13:59,945 --> 00:14:01,612
Carlos,
what are you doing?
282
00:14:01,681 --> 00:14:03,747
I'm just getting homey,
sweet pea.
283
00:14:03,816 --> 00:14:05,883
Well, what do you say
we red light the wine
for now?
284
00:14:05,951 --> 00:14:09,853
Okay, just let me
top off that tank.
285
00:14:12,724 --> 00:14:16,425
Uh, you know,
there's a lot of
negativity and--and...
286
00:14:16,494 --> 00:14:17,926
alcohol in this room.
287
00:14:17,995 --> 00:14:21,129
I think it would be
great if we all just
went around the table
288
00:14:21,198 --> 00:14:23,532
and said one thing that
we're really thankful for.
289
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,067
For God's sake!
290
00:14:26,136 --> 00:14:30,872
Hey, come on now.
I think David's
dumb idea is great.
291
00:14:30,941 --> 00:14:33,440
Everybody go around
and say something that
you're thankful for.
292
00:14:33,509 --> 00:14:34,742
That's wonderful.
293
00:14:34,812 --> 00:14:36,477
Well, I'm happy
we won all that money.
294
00:14:36,546 --> 00:14:39,947
Not just the money,
but the stuff the money
bought us, you know?
295
00:14:40,016 --> 00:14:42,616
No! No! No!
Not about the money.
296
00:14:42,685 --> 00:14:44,317
You know, something
more meaningful,
297
00:14:44,387 --> 00:14:45,987
something important
to you.
298
00:14:46,054 --> 00:14:49,622
I can't.
I-- I'm sorry.
299
00:14:50,860 --> 00:14:52,758
You're married
to my daughter, Mark.
300
00:14:52,827 --> 00:14:55,495
Dear Lord, thank you
for Mrs. Conner's daughter,
301
00:14:55,564 --> 00:14:57,764
the blonde one.
Thanks, again.
302
00:14:59,234 --> 00:15:02,935
Yeah, and I'm thankful for
all this delicious food,
303
00:15:03,004 --> 00:15:04,336
and, uh...
304
00:15:04,405 --> 00:15:06,972
the cute guys
who are serving it.
305
00:15:08,242 --> 00:15:12,811
Well, I'm thankful that
my life experience
306
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,115
has allowed me to remain
open-minded.
307
00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:19,450
Stop making a ball
out of your bread.
308
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:22,019
Well, I would
like to give thanks
309
00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:24,389
that I am not a young child
being raised
310
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:29,994
by two very tasteful,
but nonetheless light
in the loafers-
311
00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:33,229
Mom! Mom!
Look around you.
312
00:15:33,298 --> 00:15:35,632
Nobody's talking about
that anymore.
313
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:39,335
I just don't think two men
should raise a child.
314
00:15:39,403 --> 00:15:41,705
I married a man.
315
00:15:41,773 --> 00:15:44,673
He was cruel to my children
and cheated on me.
316
00:15:44,742 --> 00:15:46,975
He had horrible
table manners.
317
00:15:47,045 --> 00:15:50,613
And he made me drive
a old car with bald tires!
318
00:15:50,681 --> 00:15:52,681
The bastard!
319
00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:57,284
Mother! Try to save
a little something
for Christmas.
320
00:15:57,354 --> 00:16:00,088
And he's not
the only man like that.
321
00:16:00,157 --> 00:16:02,490
They're all cut
from the same cloth,
322
00:16:02,559 --> 00:16:06,360
which is why I don't
particularly care for men.
323
00:16:06,428 --> 00:16:10,297
Frankly, to sleep with a man
is to know how much
you hate them.
324
00:16:10,366 --> 00:16:12,099
By the end of my marriage,
325
00:16:12,168 --> 00:16:14,735
the only way I could
have sex with my husband
326
00:16:14,803 --> 00:16:16,770
was if I stomped off
to the store
327
00:16:16,839 --> 00:16:20,139
and bought myself
a Playboy first!
328
00:16:28,483 --> 00:16:29,982
Well...
329
00:16:30,050 --> 00:16:32,952
I think Grandma's
just outed herself.
330
00:16:35,857 --> 00:16:37,824
Oh, God!
331
00:16:37,892 --> 00:16:40,425
I've always know it since
she was a little girl.
332
00:16:40,494 --> 00:16:42,793
She always liked flannel.
333
00:16:42,862 --> 00:16:45,397
You acted on this?
334
00:16:45,465 --> 00:16:48,399
With who? When? How?
No, don't tell me.
335
00:16:48,468 --> 00:16:51,202
Pass the yams!
336
00:16:53,438 --> 00:16:57,207
Amongst us royalty,
most everybody's gay.
337
00:16:57,276 --> 00:17:00,309
We just marry
so folks won't hang us.
338
00:17:03,247 --> 00:17:07,483
You know what just
really fries me?
339
00:17:07,552 --> 00:17:09,153
Our whole lives,
340
00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:13,756
you make me and Jackie
dress up like little
baby dolls, you know.
341
00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:15,256
You paint our
fingernails,
342
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,793
you tell us always
to cross our legs
343
00:17:16,861 --> 00:17:18,660
and act like
little ladies.
344
00:17:18,729 --> 00:17:20,195
You're like, "Don't ever
act too smart
345
00:17:20,263 --> 00:17:22,331
'cause you may not
get a man."
346
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,899
And now here you are
sitting there,
347
00:17:23,967 --> 00:17:27,001
my right wing
Conservative,
Republican mother,
348
00:17:27,070 --> 00:17:29,337
is a great big old
lesbo.
349
00:17:33,143 --> 00:17:35,743
Welcome to the club, Bev.
350
00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:41,548
We'll teach you
the secret handshake.
351
00:17:58,399 --> 00:17:59,933
You hate it all,
don't you?
352
00:18:00,002 --> 00:18:02,567
No, I don't hate it.
353
00:18:02,636 --> 00:18:05,304
It's just kinda like
I miss some stuff, you know?
354
00:18:05,374 --> 00:18:09,842
Like the couch and that
spot on the rug that used
to look like Mr. French.
355
00:18:09,911 --> 00:18:12,311
Well, I'm kinda
embarrassed to
tell you this,
356
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:15,679
but I didn't give
all our stuff to charity
like you asked.
357
00:18:15,748 --> 00:18:17,315
I saved some stuff.
358
00:18:17,384 --> 00:18:18,950
Yeah? No kidding?
Like what?
359
00:18:19,019 --> 00:18:22,153
Like that picture of
the dogs playing poker,
360
00:18:22,222 --> 00:18:24,554
and that lamp that D.J.
hit his head on...
361
00:18:24,623 --> 00:18:26,756
you know, after
I threw it at him.
362
00:18:26,825 --> 00:18:28,359
And there's
one other thing.
363
00:18:30,962 --> 00:18:33,196
Oh! Man! The afghan!
364
00:18:33,264 --> 00:18:34,731
Hey! That looks different.
365
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,598
You didn't wash it,
did ya?
366
00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:38,335
God no.
367
00:18:39,603 --> 00:18:42,571
Hmm. Yeah.
368
00:18:42,639 --> 00:18:44,806
[sighs]
I don't know.
369
00:18:44,876 --> 00:18:49,278
It just didn't feel like
a regular Thanksgiving, did it?
370
00:18:49,347 --> 00:18:51,546
Well, it did have
its weird moments...
371
00:18:51,614 --> 00:18:53,316
what with Grandma
saying she was gay
372
00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:55,583
and the Prince going
Ozark on us.
373
00:18:55,652 --> 00:18:58,687
No, that part felt like
the regular Thanksgiving.
374
00:18:58,755 --> 00:19:00,822
It's just--I mean, like,
I'm not tired,
375
00:19:00,891 --> 00:19:03,924
my back doesn't hurt,
I don't have any burns
on my hands.
376
00:19:03,993 --> 00:19:05,226
Well, have another
piece of pie,
377
00:19:05,294 --> 00:19:07,727
maybe you'll get
indigestion.
378
00:19:07,796 --> 00:19:09,663
It's just the weirdest thing,
you know?
379
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:10,764
'Cause, like,
when you're poor,
380
00:19:10,832 --> 00:19:12,432
you hear people
say stuff like, uh,
381
00:19:12,501 --> 00:19:13,867
"Money doesn't
buy happiness."
382
00:19:13,936 --> 00:19:15,302
And right away you think,
383
00:19:15,370 --> 00:19:18,538
"Oh, you're just not shopping
at the right place, idiot."
384
00:19:18,606 --> 00:19:20,740
And then we win this
big lottery, you know,
385
00:19:20,809 --> 00:19:24,344
we go crazy at the spa
and in New York and...
386
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:25,878
come back home and...
387
00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:28,113
your Dad's not here...
388
00:19:28,182 --> 00:19:30,950
and it's Thanksgiving,
you know...
389
00:19:31,018 --> 00:19:34,286
I haven't done anything
for my family.
390
00:19:34,355 --> 00:19:36,521
I don't know.
I just realized that...
391
00:19:36,590 --> 00:19:39,124
money is just...money.
392
00:19:39,193 --> 00:19:40,859
Psst. You guys,
do you know--
393
00:19:40,928 --> 00:19:42,327
are we supposed
to tip the caterers?
394
00:19:42,396 --> 00:19:44,195
'Cause I just heard
one of them say,
395
00:19:44,264 --> 00:19:46,630
"Those rich bozos
wouldn't know
the holiday spirit
396
00:19:46,698 --> 00:19:48,733
if it bit 'em
in the ass."
397
00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:51,802
Tip the caterers?
398
00:19:51,870 --> 00:19:53,303
Usually our biggest
problem
399
00:19:53,371 --> 00:19:57,941
is whether to scrub
the pan or just
throw it out.
400
00:19:58,010 --> 00:20:01,244
I just feel like I want to do
something, you know?
401
00:20:01,313 --> 00:20:05,415
I don't wanna feel like this
big, useless rich jerk.
402
00:20:05,484 --> 00:20:07,450
Come on, Mom,
you're not useless.
403
00:20:07,519 --> 00:20:09,052
You bought dinner
for all of us.
404
00:20:10,722 --> 00:20:12,055
Yeah, but that's not my style.
405
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:14,557
I'm not the kind of person
that buys stuff.
406
00:20:14,625 --> 00:20:16,758
I'm the kind of person
that does stuff.
407
00:20:16,827 --> 00:20:20,028
You can buy stuff
and do stuff, too.
408
00:20:24,468 --> 00:20:26,235
Yeah.
409
00:20:28,339 --> 00:20:33,941
Here's what we ought to do.
410
00:20:34,010 --> 00:20:37,211
Okay, uh, here's a plate
and an extra plate
411
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:41,616
in case that guy
you're talking to
ever shows up.
412
00:20:44,519 --> 00:20:45,818
Here you go.
413
00:20:45,888 --> 00:20:47,153
You know, if you were
down at the mission,
414
00:20:47,222 --> 00:20:48,521
they'd make you sing
a dozen hymns
415
00:20:48,590 --> 00:20:50,123
before they
doled out the chow.
416
00:20:51,893 --> 00:20:55,428
Hey, weren't you in line
just a couple minutes ago
with a different hat?
417
00:20:56,798 --> 00:20:58,563
I admire your style.
418
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,901
Jackie, give this guy
an extra helping of
them French yams.
419
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:05,004
Yes, sir.
Delicious buttery yams.
420
00:21:05,072 --> 00:21:06,071
If you want any more,
come back,
421
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:08,739
but do remember
they are high in fat.
422
00:21:10,178 --> 00:21:12,410
Hey, Mom,
this was a great idea.
423
00:21:12,478 --> 00:21:14,311
Yeah, it really was,
wasn't it?
424
00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:16,648
I mean,
I'm feeding people,
425
00:21:16,717 --> 00:21:19,350
I'm exhausted,
I busted up a fight,
426
00:21:19,418 --> 00:21:21,718
I burned the hell
out of my finger.
427
00:21:21,787 --> 00:21:24,521
Finally, it feels
like Thanksgiving.
428
00:21:31,830 --> 00:21:33,763
Well, honey, it's every
man's dream, huh?
429
00:21:33,831 --> 00:21:35,965
A great meal,
an overtime
football game,
430
00:21:36,034 --> 00:21:37,733
and now we get to watch
The Wizard of Oz.
431
00:21:37,802 --> 00:21:39,569
Perfect.
Perfect holiday.
432
00:21:39,638 --> 00:21:42,038
Judy.
433
00:21:42,107 --> 00:21:44,173
How about our
Cowardly Lion here?
434
00:21:44,242 --> 00:21:45,942
I heard he wasn't
so cowardly.
435
00:21:46,010 --> 00:21:47,443
Oh, stop it!
436
00:21:47,511 --> 00:21:50,045
I'll tell you something
else I've heard about
the Tin Man.
437
00:21:50,114 --> 00:21:51,280
What?
All true.
438
00:21:51,349 --> 00:21:53,181
He was not just tin:
steel.
439
00:21:53,250 --> 00:21:54,716
Yeah, steel.
440
00:21:54,785 --> 00:21:56,318
There were rumors
that they were gay.
441
00:21:56,387 --> 00:21:59,287
But in those days,
there were rumors that
everyone was gay,
442
00:21:59,356 --> 00:22:03,425
except, of course,
ironically, Rock Hudson
and Liberace.
443
00:22:03,494 --> 00:22:05,327
Nobody dreamt
that Rock Hudson--
444
00:22:05,396 --> 00:22:06,894
Well, they dreamt--
We could dream.
445
00:22:06,963 --> 00:22:08,963
Thank God I'm not
a lesbian, though.
446
00:22:09,032 --> 00:22:10,064
Why's that?
447
00:22:10,133 --> 00:22:12,466
Well, you now...
what do you do?
448
00:22:12,534 --> 00:22:14,468
With women?
I don't know.
449
00:22:14,536 --> 00:22:15,668
I've always--
What do you do?
450
00:22:18,674 --> 00:22:28,022
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