Original subtitles

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Don't crowd her. Give her some air.

I have good news.

Your family is fine.

A highway patrolman found them,

and he's bringing them right over here. Good.

And you, Roseanne Conner,

are a hero.

[murmuring]

You have taken the American woman

from housewife to international terrorist fighter.

All right! Yeah! Yeah!

So tell us how it happened.

We want to hear all the details.

Okay. Well, it was really weird

because, uh, there we were

headed, uh, to Washington, DC, you know,

with this friend of ours, Dr. Hrundi V. Bakshi,

and so we were just gonna...

Oh, uh, Dr. Bakshi,

I'd really like to thank you

for inviting us to come along with you to Washington, DC.

Yes.

Little did I know that you would actually accept.

Well, ha ha, hope we're not imposing, Doctor.

Well, I know I am not imposing.

I always get along with foreigners.

The key is to remember that they're people, too,

and it's not their fault

that they were born in some barbaric heathen land.

Right, Dr. Bakshi?

Whatever.

[toot toot]

Oh, my, you're really--

[toot toot]

...really enjoying that whistle,

aren't you, Andy?

All the way from Boston.

We're going to have to find

a very special way to thank Grandma

for getting you that.

So, have you given any thought

to what you want to see in Washington?

Oh, yeah, I want to go see all the important historical places.

Superb. We'll start with my favorite,

the Lincoln Memorial,

then the Capitol Building--

Oh, no, forget that crap. Nuh-uh.

I want to see that elevator

where Bob Packwood goosed his secretary, you know?

Then I want to go over there to Congress

and sit in the back and oink.

What do you think of that, Hrundi?

Excuse me. I've lost my fanny pack.

You know what I want to see in DC?

Chelsea Clinton.

I can see it now.

We're having dinner,

a nice chat about Bosnia,

then I run her fingers through her tawny hair.

Hey, D.J., I'm starving.

Let's go up to the dining car.

No way. This is first class.

They're gonna bring the food right to us.

They're a little late, too. [pounding]

Everybody up!

We are taking control of this train!

You are now our hostages!

This better be dinner theatre.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Remind me never to use Leon's travel agent again.

Do not raise your voice!

I'm not. This is my voice.

I said quiet!

It is a double sin,

speaking without being addressed,

and not whispering when you speak.

[whispering] Okay. Okay. Fine.

Just tell us what you want from us.

No! We only speak to men! Like him!

Oh, now I'm really scared.

Enough! Take them to the holding car!

Everyone but her.

Oh, no! Go!

Aah! Aah!

[toot toot]

Andy, not in front of the terrorists.

Hey, you touch one hair on their head--

Silence!

Tie her up and gag her.

Her mouth is a sin against nature.

Stay here! Try to escape, and you'll be killed!

Okay. No escaping. [grunt]

Oh, no! Oh! Woman! Forgot. No talking.

Aah! I'm still talking!

You know, if he wasn't holding a machine gun

and there weren't a bunch of other terrorists around

and if I wasn't sober, oh, I'd kick his ass!

What? Nothing! Just kidding.

Oh, uh, this is horrible.

What if they keep us in here for months

and we have to eat each other

like those poor boys on that soccer team?

We don't even know why they're doing this.

What is it that they want?

They want me.

Hey! Hey! Hey! We got him in here!

We got him in here! Take him!

D.J.! They know he's in here!

What is going on, Dr. Bakshi?

Those men are terrorists from the country of Mondostan.

I was going to give a speech at the U.N.

denouncing their country for their horrible record on human rights.

This is their attempt to silence me.

Okay, okay, there's just one thing I don't understand here, okay?

What's the U.N.? You talk, mister!

The U.N. is the United Nations.

I was going to speak before the General Assembly,

and the speech would have been on every television

in every home throughout the world.

You mean like Baywatch?

Thank you.

Are you okay?

Uh-huh.

Well, you're in America now.

Nobody can shut you up,

and you don't have to wear a ball in your mouth

unless you get off on it.

Now tell me where my family is.

Thank you.

Take a breath, Soba. You're gonna pull something.

Our plan is working perfectly.

Ha ha! Yeah!

Only ourselves and the Bakshi party remain on the train.

Soon someone should bring them some food and drink.

Sort of a last meal, huh?

Soba! Do it!

Is something wrong, Soba?

Did you cut your hair?

I say we kill that infantile Bakshi right now!

Yeah! Yeah! Silence!

We must not deviate from the plan.

Bakshi and his degenerate friends.

will all perish in two hours

when the train is derailed and plunges off the cliff.

[imitates explosion]

And then the whole world will know our power!

The power of The Mondostan Seven!

Soba, more coffee.

United Nation will learn

not to interfere with our internal affair.

Yes. The very idea of being upset at us,

just because we yank out the eyeteeth of our women,

tear off their tongues, and we sew their mouths shut,

what's the big deal?

Oh, you clumsy wench!

We even tried to appease the rest of the world

by having a woman president.

Perhaps we should have let her make a speech

before her mouth was sewn up.

She is spirited, huh?

It would be a joy to break her.

This reminds me of a joke.

If you push an Englishwoman and a Mondostan woman

out of an airplane at the same time,

who will hit the ground first? Huh? Huh?

Who cares?

Who cares? Who cares?

I care, you silly bastard.

Aah!

Get her!

Get that filthy devil woman!

She gone.

She must have fallen off.

Good. I hope she died horribly.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Eat your heart out, Kerri Strug.

[phone rings]

[ring]

Hello. Listen, whoever this is, I need help!

[Man] Who is this?

MacGyver. What difference does it make?

I need help.

I want to speak to Dr. Bakshi.

He's a little indisposed right now.

Look, I need--

No, you look! This is the FBI.

We have information that Dr. Bakshi's life may be in danger.

Yeah, well, big fat duh.

There's a bunch of goons on this train,

and they have Bakshi and my family.

You guys better get your butts on this train right now.

Listen, I'm losing you!

[Woman] So, girl, go figure.

Everyone in Melanie's party got lucky

except for Melanie.

Damn cell phones!

[FBI Man] We'll fly help men as soon as we can.

These men are dangerous, so don't do anything.

But my family--

Ma'am, be a good girl and don't do anything.

Fine, I'll lay low until you get here.

Like hell I will.

♪♪ [rap music playing]

This time, it's personal.

Avon calling.

You were supposed to be dead!

You boys put those guns down right now!

Don't make me pull this train over!

You just told your last joke.

Check, please.

Fun is over! Ha ha ha ha!

Aah! Aah!

That's what we call shootin' the curl.

Yaah!

You know what this is?

Not a tampon.

Oh! Ohh!

Now you can ride horses and swim.

Raah!

[electricity sizzling]

You tell me where my family is

before I lose my cool.

Nothing you can do will make me talk.

Oh. Really?

Aah!

No! Not the beard!

I need it! I have no chin!

Aah! All right! All right!

But you're never going to make it.

Your family's nine cars back:

each car with eight guards,

each guard with seven guns,

each gun with six bullets.

Didn't anybody ever tell you

that girls can't do math?

Aah!

That'll teach you to mess with the mother of all mothers.

D.J., we're manly men! We can bust this thing open!

I'm trying!

To think I made it through a World War,

the Korean War--

Well, technically, that wasn't a war.

That was a police action.

And now I'm seeing the caboose of my life.

Mother, don't talk like that!

You're scaring Andy.

Andy's asleep.

Well, then you're scaring me.

We got to get out of here. Mom's all by herself.

She's not alone. She's surrounded by terrorists.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, I don't want to be an only child!

Relax, relax, relax.

I can handle these guys. I took shop.

♪ The party's over ♪

♪ It's time to call it a day ♪

Shut up!

I do not want my last moments on Earth

polluted by your incessant crooning.

What do you mean--

What do you mean, last moments?

These are my middle moments!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Someone needs to take control of this situation right now!

Someone with their wits about them.

I guess it's gonna be me!

Excuse me for being presumptuous.

I've only known you for two days,

but you're an imbecile.

So?

Let's play a game.

Well, how about Hangman?

Oh, yeah, great, Mark. Hangman!

It's really gonna make us forget about dying.

I'm sorry, all right? How about this, then?

I'll say a word, and we'll each add a word

until we get a sentence, okay? Ready? I'm--

Going--

To--

Die!

So nice of you to join me on the veranda

for some fresh air...

even though it's your last.

Raah!

I love the train.

It's so much safer than air travel.

Don't you agree?

Damn. I forgot how famous you Mondostanians are

for your hard jaws!

Don't forget, we also grow world-famous figs.

Raah!

Aah!

Ah, I've seen bigger forearms on a buffalo wing!

You make me reassess my opinion about women.

You're even weaker and more stupid than I thought.

That is why it is so much fun

to put them in their place.

You people are barbarians!

In our country,

we don't need to spill blood to silence women.

We do it with diet and fashion and psychiatrists!

Every country should destroy their women

in their own way

because you are inferior!

You may think women are inferior,

but there's one way men are much weaker.

Ohh!

Big Frank might be tough,

but Little Frank's weak like all the rest of 'em!

Aah!

Damn! I broke a nail.

I'm not playing any more word games.

Okay, okay, okay!

How about Duck Duck Goose?

No, Mark! No games of any kind!

Kill him! Kill him!

Everybody!

Look at us! We're turning on each other

like a pack of wild dingos!

Only God can save us now.

[door opens]

What about Goddess?

You're alive!

I knew you'd make it! I just knew it!

Roseanne, that outfit, it's hardly slenderizing.

Shut up, Mom. This train is about to go

off a cliff in two minutes.

You guys want to live? Follow me.

Okay, his train's gonna go around a cove in a minute,

so that'll give us time to jump off.

Go, D.J.

I don't care what anybody says.

You're the best mom on the block. Aah!

Well, Roseanne, I-- Aah!

If I don't make it,

I only hope in my next life

I come back as a meat-eating woman like you!

Aah!

Roseanne, you're the ultimate in feminine protection!

Never jump out of a train, Andy,

with a whistle in your mouth.

You go, girl!

Becky really missed a great trip, huh?

Yaah!

Yaah!

Blaah!

Hey! I owe you one, pal.

Forget it. My treat.

You know all those times you screwed up, Mark?

Well, this isn't one of them.

I'm proud to call you my son-in-law.

Aah!

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm gonna die like this.

That carnival psychic was right!

Oh, at last! Help from above!

[Man] This is the FBI! Grab onto the tire!

[crash]

Cleanup on Aisle 4!

Mrs. Conner, it's been quite a day.

If you feel up to it,

there's someone else who wants to meet you.

Oh, my God! It's Hillary!

Roseanne, it takes a village to raise a child,

but just one tough cookie like you

to whip a bunch of terrorists.

Well, terrorists don't really bother me, Hillary.

After all, I had two teenage daughters

living in the same house at the same time.

See you at Barbara's.

Yeah.

Mrs. Clinton--

Well done, grasshopper.

Oh, Master. I've studied all of your teachings

as best as I could,

especially those available on video.

But you did resort to violence,

and I think you need to realize

that the only enemy...

is within you.

If you can dissolve into emptiness,

you'll realize...

they cannot resist that which doesn't exist.

This is the true nature of Shinyata.

What he said.

I could have had Roseanne.

I could never make it without her.

You know what I mean? I'm so happy.

Oh, this is just a little token here.

That's what it is. 707--

1717. See, get a zoom in.

71,000--

$71,754.13

[Man] What did you buy for that?

Isn't that a bad day?

What did he buy. This is just a--

This is something I bought to keep him happy.

"Keep Mike Tyson happy" money.

A mere pittance.

A mere pittance, you know?

Do you have that pittance to show us?

He bought towels. I have nothing.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA