Original subtitles

I don't know what to do about Astrid.

She keeps bringing home these stray people.

Well, then, Mother, why don't you just have her committed again?

Just for a few weeks...

like last time.

I hate to spend the money.

Mother, it's me--

your Astrid. I'm home.

Astrid. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, darling, I missed you so.

And look what I've brought:

Conners.

Ho!

I met Roseanne and Jackie at the spa,

fell in love-- they're so fresh.

Met them again in New York-- even fresher--

and I've brought them here. Ha!

Yeah, this is Andy, D.J., Bev, Jerry,

Mark, Becky, Jackie, and Roseanne,

And this is Kiki, Lilly, Chip, Doris, Astrid, and--

Where's my Porcelain?

You know I like to have my Porcelain here when I get home.

Is Porcelain somebody's name?

Yes, it's Astrid's son.

Whether it's a name is debatable,

but it's what she chose.

Now, Mummy, I know I'm not your precious Chippie,

but couldn't you at least pretend to like me?

Oh, darling, don't be so oversensitive.

You know I love all my children the same.

Just because I was on the boat with Daddy when he died

does not mean I am responsible for his death.

No, of course not, darling.

Daddy just fell off, all by himself.

Man, I'm starving.

Oh. Forgive me. That was so rude of us.

Uh, won't you join us?

The eggs Benedict are absolutely divine.

And if you don't favor eggs,

cook can prepare almost anything you'd like.

That's okay. We'll just eat what--

Wouldn't you like to change?

Why? All we're gonna do is eat.

But you're in your... travel clothes.

Well, we really don't mind

eating in our travel clothes.

I mean, sometimes we even sleep in 'em.

Uh, darling, do show your friends up to their rooms

so they can freshen up.

Werner, set a few more places at the table, please.

What if I just want to grab a sausage?

Do I have to change for that?

Yes, yes.

You see, we change our clothes for each unit of the day.

Morning, breakfast, morning activities,

lunch, nap, cocktails, dinner, and after dinner.

You change your clothes eight times a day?

On average.

We don't have eight changes of clothes total.

We're never gonna fit in here.

I watch that Martha Stewart. We'll be fine.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Is everyone comfy?

Would anyone like a sweater?

Oh, no, thanks. We're all fine. All right.

They all changed their clothes again.

I've asked Werner to put out some extra clothes for them.

Yes, the primary colors:

the hallmark of the working class.

Hello, fellows.

Hey, Chip. Ow!

I got you.

Mark, D.J., I'd like you to meet Flip and Skip.

Chip, Flip, and Skip?

You got to be hosing me.

Oh, we've taken that ribbing before, eh, fellows?

Have we!

Of course, at Choate,

we always gave the business to Ray, Trey, and Grey.

So, we were hoping maybe you boys

would like to join us for a little game of touch football.

Sounds cool.

Okay, were not changing clothes

between quarters.

Would anyone like a drink?

We've got screwdrivers, Mimosas,

Bloody Marys, Tom Collins, boilermaker.

Astrid, it's 10:30 in the morning.

I know.

My daughter's a child of the modern age.

In my day, we had our first drink

at 10:15 sharp.

Beverly, you look like a Mimosa girl.

Oh, Doris, it's like you've known me all my life.

Well, anyone can tell

that you're a woman of taste and breeding.

Yeah, anybody that started drinking at 10 A.M.

[Chip] Look, Mother, I'm going to score!

I say! This is a game of touch football.

Yeah. I'm begging your pardon.

So, Astrid, where's your husband?

Well, he went to visit his mother

in a mental institution.

That's where my husband is, too.

We really have moved up in class.

There we go, sugar.

Are you still breathing?

I forgot my mirror.

All right, all right, that is it.

Andy, now you knock that off.

I told you before,

you do not throw things at the nice rich lady.

Stop it.

Hello. How are you?

Hello!

I'm afraid Grandmama is a little hard of hearing.

Oh.

I'm having a lovely time!

Your house is simply marvelous!

I have dreamed all my life

of living in a house just like this!

Nice catch, D.J.

Thanks.

Women and football don't mix, old sport.

D.J., take a break.

I'll give you a tour of the house.

Okay.

All right.

Okay. Hey.

Filling in for D.J. Conner,

number 32 in your programs,

number 1 in your heart,

is Jackie Harris!

Yeah! All right. Go get 'em, Jackie.

Hey, Becky, Conner women are not just cheerleaders.

Get out here.

Oh, the both of youse.

Now you guys are toast!

Oh!

To my dear departed husband-- [sniffle]--

Reginald Wentworth.

To Daddy.

What a life, man.

You guys, you just sit around,

drink until you get gout,

and then-- and then your servant

carts you around in a wheelchair.

Yes, but to break up the busy day,

I thought we might bring the children out to amuse us.

That's a lovely idea.

There's my little Porcelain. Come to me.

Andy-- Hey, Andy, looky here.

Mommy's playing football, huh?

And Mommy's kicking butt!

Oh, hello, Jerry. Did you like your nap?

How did that 100% pure Egyptian cotton treat you, huh?

Would you like to play ball, Porcelain?

Yes.

He would.

Porcelain, go there.

Go over-- Look how wonderful he is.

No! Don't go after it! Don't go off the porch!

Come to Mommy. Are you hurt?

Such a violent game.

Go, Chip, go! [Jackie] Somebody get him!

[choking]

Go!

Go!

Geez, this kitchen is huge.

You could have, like, a whole party in here.

Oh, yeah.

You can do a lot of things in here.

You've got great hair.

Thanks.

Can I have some pretzels?

You're one of those bad boys, aren't you?

What did I do?

Nothing. But I know what you want to do.

You do?

Sure.

I know about guys like you.

Guys from public schools,

with their torn jeans and sweaty T-shirts.

You like to stay out late at night,

rip antennas off cars,

steal, and spit.

Well, I did take my parents' car once, but--

I knew it.

I bet you have African-American friends, too.

Yeah, don't you?

Oh, D.J., I've always wanted to do it

with a boy from the streets.

This isn't your first time, is it?

Yes. I mean no.

I mean, I've been with lots of women.

Just not here in the Vineyard.

Most of them have been mall chicks and waitresses.

Shouldn't you two be wearing sweaters?

Slow down, guys,

you don't want to ruin your appetite before dinner.

I thought this was dinner.

No, Mark, it's an appetizer,

like the thing they put

in the upper right-hand corner

of the TV dinner?

Hey! Where are all the Wentworths?

Oh, they're upstairs, changing again.

Sitting here in the lap of luxury,

I just can't help thinking

about the poor starving children of the world.

I really don't think

I've been doing all I can for the great unwashed,

so the next time I'm at the dry cleaner's,

I'm dropping an extra quarter in the Sally Struthers can.

Oh, man, look at this.

Oh, wow. I think we found Doris' stash.

Demerol, Valium, Prozac.

Wow, Xanax, Percocet, lithium.

This chick is looped.

Oh, look, this one here is just plain old aspirin.

I'll borrow it in case I get a headache later.

What do you think this is for?

[buzz]

Hey! Look at that. You made a butler appear.

And he's-- he's bearing gifts!

You really liven up a poor butler's life.

You know, it must suck having a job

with the word "butt" in it.

Hey, take a load off here, Werner.

We want to buy you a drink.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Wouldn't be proper.

Too many rules around here.

Yeah.

And as grande dame of the Conner family,

let me just remind you

I simply cannot have you laughing

in your dining attire.

Ahem.

Really.

Uh, Werner, would you tell Cook that we're ready for dinner?

Thank you.

Man, look at this:

three forks, four plates,

I don't know how many glasses.

I know. There's so many things on the table,

I don't even know where to put my elbows.

So, Roseanne,

what do people in the Midwest...

do?

You know, raise families, farm.

Just regular stuff, like, you know, work at jobs.

Hmm. You lost me.

Uh, Doris, could you please pass me the bread there,

if it isn't a bother or anything?

Bread is never a bother, dear:

not when it's baked, not when it's sliced,

and not when it's served.

Oh. I-- I know.

I was just--

Excuse me, Astrid?

Yes.

I don't mean to be rude, but who's that?

You missed the introductions.

This is Dr. Hrundi V. Bakshi,

of the University of Calcutta.

Hello.

So, uh, Dr. Bakshi there,

what brings you to the good old U.S. of A?

I'm doing a fellowship

at the Kennedy School of Government in Boston.

Oh, well, that sounds like fun.

I get a kick out of it.

What I'm finding, however,

is that the American views on foreign policy

are, at their very least, cloistered.

No, I totally disagree.

I think the cliché of the cloistered American

is an anachronism.

Did you say India or Indiana?

India.

India. Oh, yeah.

I didn't ever see that Gandhi movie,

but was it Gandhi 2 or 3

where he gets in that big fight with Mr. T?

Oh, anyway-- Hey, what's the deal with the untouchables?

In our country, we have a caste system.

The untouchables are on the lowest rung.

They are less than us.

Their lives are a drudgery.

They get the most undesirable jobs.

Oh.

Yeah, we have that here.

We just call them illegal aliens.

Nobody else is talking to him.

Okay, listen, can I just say something?

You know, before dinner, when you came out there

and you saw us and we were kind of making a joke

at the expense of your family,

we would really like to say we're sorry

and we didn't mean to offend you.

Yes, well,

thank you for your words, Roseanne.

[speaking foreign language]

eh, Chippie?

Mervielleux.

No, really, I just want you to know

that we're very, very sorry.

Roseanne, we have thanked you for your words,

and that was the end of it.

Well, can we turn a light on?

No. These people are like moths.

They'll be down here in a second.

Think they're still mad at us?

I think we'd have to cut 'em open to find out.

God, they've got rules for everything:

rules for what to wear,

rules for how to eat,

rules for how to sit.

Uh-oh.

Oh. It's you.

Thought maybe the help was stealing again.

Well, since I'm here,

I'm going to get a little bicarb.

I've got indigestion.

Well, that's understandable.

Oh, it's you.

I thought it was Daddy.

I thought I saw Daddy's ghost.

Daddy's ghost stole my pen.

He broke my glass unicorn.

I am sick to death of Daddy's ghost.

Maybe Daddy broke the horn off the unicorn

so it would feel like the other horses.

So it wouldn't feel so different.

Oh, Daddy, I love you. I miss you so.

Well, hey, let's all make some sandwiches.

I'm not hungry.

Come on, Doris. You hardly ate anything at dinner.

I'm-- I'm fine, really.

I mean really, you only had, like, what, a couple of peas?

And who's to say you kept any of that down?

I said I'm not hungry.

Mother, it's all right.

There's nothing wrong with coming down to the kitchen

for a sandwich.

But it's not why I came here.

Take the damn sandwich!

Mother! Did you just yell at me?

You bet your ass I did.

Now take the damn sandwich.

How can you speak to me like that?

Oh, who are you to be putting on those airs?

We all know what the family was built on:

bootlegging, gambling, bimbos.

God, that felt good.

I've kept that inside for 80 years.

Lucky for you my teeth didn't fly out.

This is just what all of you people need.

What in heaven's name is she talking about?

You need to get mad, yell, let it out.

Then you won't need to drink so much

or to start foreign wars.

We don't start wars. We just profit from them.

Oh, we start some.

Now listen to what this lady has to say.

Roseanne, teach her.

Doris Wentworth, I'm going to tutor you

in the fine art of female anger.

I-- I don't think so.

Well, I'm sure, with your proper upbringing,

you realize that it is rude

to refuse a request of a guest.

She's got you there, Mumsie.

I'll give you one minute.

Great.

Well, let's start by loosening up.

Unclasp those arms, Doris.

Take the pole out.

Come on. Put your legs apart, Doris.

And plant 'em firmly

because once you start yelling,

you might find yourself off-balance.

How do you feel?

A tad...wrong.

Good. Now repeat after me.

I'm not taking any crap from anyone.

I am not-- Stop.

It is not "I am." It's "I'm"!

I'm not taking any--

do I have to say the C word?

Yes, you do, Doris. You have to say it

because it's the most important word

in the whole damn sentence.

Trust her, Doris. She's very good at this.

I'm not taking any crap from anyone.

That was pretty good,

but are you serving tea, Doris?

You've got to make it shrill and grating.

I'm not taking any crap from anyone!

You know, like fingernails on a chalkboard.

I'm not taking any crap from anyone!

Good!

Now personalize it!

Make it your own.

I'm not taking any damn crap from anyone.

Do you hear that, Astrid?

Bravo, Mama.

How do you feel?

I feel...

fan-freaking-tastic.

That's great.

See? Now you won't need to take those pills anymore.

I won't?

No. Women who yell don't need pills.

Men invented pills to shut women up.

I'm ashamed to be a man!

That's the spirit, Chippie!

I want to yell, too.

Yahoo!

It does feel good.

Now, something here tells me

that that's not the first time you've done that, Astrid.

She's a little too good to be a beginner.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's the first time I've ever done it.

Roseanne, I think we've got ourselves a natural.

[Roseanne] Great.

Practice makes perfect.

Give it to me again, baby, right in the face.

I said no, Daddy!

I believe our work here is done.

I'm absolutely famished.

I'm hungry, too. Yelling makes you hungry.

Wait till you see how much you can eat

after you start breaking things.

May I make a suggestion?

Stella.

My God. The help.

Roseanne, you're good,

but there's something missing.

Do tell.

See, you got to put some bottom into it.

See? Give it some body language.

You know, get that hip going.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, then get that head going.

Mm-hmm. That's it, that's it.

Now give 'em the hand.

That's it. And then you tell 'em "Get out of my face!"

'Cause Stella don't take that!

You better check yourself

before you wreck yourself, uh-huh.

Go, Stella.

Go, Stella. Go, Stella.

Go, Stella. Go, Stella.

Stella!

Bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, Roseanne.

I swear I'm going to cry.

This visit was so delicious.

Conners are a hoot.

We can't wait to see you in Lanford.

Oh, I can't wait to have you there.

As soon as our social schedule permits.

Oh, I hope so.

We will, we will.

Well, thank you all again.

Thank you. It's just been wonderful.

Good-bye. I'll miss you.

Bye-bye.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA