Original subtitles

Over here, over here.

Hey, look. I'm the Nanny.

Get out of here.

Okay, the key to fitting in to New York society

is acting like you don't want to be here.

Actually, the coolest thing would be

if we just left right now.

Oh, I don't want to leave.

The New York parties are more exciting

than I ever thought they could be.

And this one's for charity.

I don't know which one,

but if Liz Taylor's involved,

you know it has to be something really sad.

Of course, this is nothing like New York in its prime.

Let's face it, this city died years ago

when Lou Reed walked into that Methadone clinic.

What do you talk to these people about?

Hey, we can talk to them about the Golden Chamber spa.

How was it there?

Oh, it was--

Aah!

Ow!

Fantastic.

Oh, God, I just remembered.

Spas are out.

No!

So, uh... I'm dating a prince.

We can talk to 'em about that.

That seems like bragging.

Bragging's in.

All right. We're home free.

Okay, girls, look,

I know you're new at this,

so I'm gonna volunteer to be your guide.

Now, look, if we get separated--

Oh, Vandala, honey, I need to talk to you!

What?

If we get separated, what?

Drinks.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Well, I don't know.

I guess we got to mingle a little better.

Yeah. I think you're right.

So...

how are things going at the diner?

Don't mingle with me.

Sorry.

Come on. We'll take a lap.

[laughter]

Who's that?

That is Tina Beige.

Remarkable woman.

Yes. She is the editor of Manhattan magazine.

Oh, I love that magazine.

it's extra heavy for killing the big bugs.

You know, he was so fond of Jackie,

so I said to him, "Darling, you're Gore Vidal.

"Of course your story can be a day late.

Genius does not punch a time clock."

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You got to work on your fake laugh.

You want to mingle more

or just head for the buffet?

Ah, the buffet.

I remember you from the Vanderbilts.

You're married to that delightful arms dealer, are you not?

Oh, yeah. As a matter of fact,

he's wrapping up a deal right now

at Roosevelt Junior High.

I'm Estee Longet.

You're Estee Longet?

Oh, my God. Like in the perfume

and the make-up and all that?

In the flesh.

Oh, my God!

Hey, do you know Maybelline?

Uh, I'm Jackie Harris. This is Roseanne Conner.

I'm so glad to meet you.

Man, she must have a fever or something.

Her hand was hot as hell.

Martini boy!

Uh, they're really very good.

I've just had-- [hiccup]-- three of them myself.

Hello, hello, hello. Look at you.

Look at them. You look gorgeous.

In fact, you look like $108 million.

Astrid, remember? You can call me Bobo.

This is my husband Gardiner.

You can call him Dinky. I call him Peanut.

Were you in town for the Jackie O. auction?

We couldn't wait to get our hands on some of her things.

Oh, she had wonderful things.

Colleen Dewhurst died. I hear she had lovely things.

Yes. We've already got red dots

on Barbra Streisand's things.

May she live forever.

Oh, I wish I'd brought a camera!

Shall I tell you who's here? Yeah.

Let's see. Oh, there's Dibs Huntsford

and Didi Rottweiler

And over-- Baby Dachshund

and Oreka Schnauzer.

And the woman I admire most in the world:

Bixie Hamberfachenbergerbender.

She is the perfect weight for New York:

2 pounds above organ failure.

Oh! There's two other people you must meet.

They were at the auction as well.

You stay here. Stay, money.

[no audible dialogue]

Fabulous party. Fabulous party.

Thank you, darling. There they are over there.

$108 million lottery winners.

They'll be coming from their fingers like ticker tape

by the time I've finished with them.

Yes, they will. That's them.

Liz? Oh, my God,

what did Larry Fortensky do to her?

It's not Liz.

It's not Liz.

And who's that drag queen with her?

That's not Liz. It's not Liz.

Come meet, come meet.

Come meet.

Eddie, Pats, this is Roseanne and Jackie. Hello.

Hello. Nice to meet you. Hello.

Oh, hey, so you're from a foreign country.

We're from England.

Oh!

Cool. Well, sis, here, is dating a prince.

Dating a prince.

If he's one of ours, it must be Edward.

Go get us some drinks, darling.

They need oiling up.

Yeah, yeah.

So, uh, who's the drag queen?

Hey, Pat!

Need any help with those drinks?

Yeah, thanks, old man.

Eddie, you have to tell her

what you bought at the auction.

I'll leave.

Not the pink dress.

Not the pink dress.

The pink Bic.

The pink Bic?

The Lady Schick.

What do you want with a razor?

DNA.

Do you understand?

Okay, you've got Jackie Kennedy's DNA on the razor.

No, I don't get it. Shh!

What?

See this little spot of blood here?

Don't touch it. I don't want yours mingling in there.

You see that? This spot of blood

contains Jackie O's dyno-berililic nuclear acid.

[gasp]

Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park.

Hmm.

That's nice, yet-- What do you think?

Oh.

Delicious.

70 proof.

We're gonna clone Jackie O.

Not just one of them. We can have hundreds of them.

We can have thousands of them.

You know, we can have little Jackies of all ages.

We can have herds of Jackie Raptors strolling through the misty valley.

This is gonna be a theme park.

You can go from Bouvier to Onassis in one simple tram line.

It's fantastic.

Oh, I get it.

It's kind of like Dollywood,

except for, like, Jackiewood.

Yeah.

Six Flags Over Jackie.

That's it.

EuroJackie.

Yeah. But it's only the beginning.

I mean, with your money, we can have a DNA bank.

People can leave their DNA now

so they can be theme parked when they die.

Yeah? Are you in?

Well, I don't know. Do I get to be

Chairman of the Board or Skipper or anything?

How much have you got? 108 million.

Hello, boss. Ha ha ha!

Boss.

I love you.

Well, I got to hand it to you.

The way you walk so well in those heels,

you about had me convinced.

That's a very covering foundation you use.

You have a problem with stubble?

Yeah, yeah.

Not on my face.

Roseanna Connelly.

I'm gonna do your publicity, darling.

I'm gonna do your PR for you, sweetheart.

All right, sweetie.

What?

I am gonna do your publicity.

What the hell do I need publicity for?

Everybody needs publicity!

Sweetheart, come on, talk to me, talk to me.

Come on, tell me. How many children have you got, darling, hmm?

Huh?

How many?

Four!

Well, you'll have to lose two.

We'll get Mia Farrow to adopt them.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You're not a man at all, are you, Jackie?

I'm not a man!

I'm not a man.

You know, I can't believe

you actually thought I was an actual man

because I'm, like, so far away from being an actual man.

Well...

I gave birth to a child.

I-- I breast fed a little baby.

I-- These are real, you know?

Milk comes out of these.

I got to tell you, though,

the ironic thing is, see,

I thought you were a man.

Well, I was once for about a year.

And then what happened?

Well, it dropped off.

I'm gonna change your image for you.

I'm gonna change your image for you.

I don't want my image to be changed.

Of course you want your image changed.

Get this woman another drink!

I'm gonna make you the next Heavy-belly Illy-billy.

Fat is back. I can see it now.

You can never be too fat or too rich.

Go for it, Eddie!

It won't cost you very much.

It's just gonna be a small percentage

of your total capital grossage.

That's it-- Come on, throw money at me, darling.

I'll get you out of here.

I'll get you a People spread.

I'll get you the Kathie-Regis Lee show!

No, no, don't!

No, Roseanne, don't do Kathie Lee!

Not Kathie Lee!

Kathie Lee made little children

work in sweat shirts in the heat!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I'm not gonna listen

to one more bad thing about Kathie Lee Gifford!

Okay? What with all the things she's got to do

between her show, her Christmas special,

all the things she does for little Cody,

plus the daughter-- whatever the hell her name is.

Do you really think she has time

to be on a cruise ship

as well as overseeing things

in some Honduras sweatshop at the very same time?

My God, the woman is only human!

You know, when you think about it,

maybe those children were lucky.

There are millions of children in our own country

who cannot even find jobs!

[Jackie sobbing]

[Roseanne] This must be SoHo.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ear of a rabbit.

A splash of lye.

And the brittle wings of a dragonfly.

Roseanne.

Roseanne.

Bow unto our midnight dance.

The souls of hell have chosen you.

For a purpose you will discover.

In another world of parallel reality.

Mmm...

The potion, it is ready.

It is ready.

You shall deliver what we want.

It belongs to your daughter Darlene.

Drink! Drink!

All right, all right, but if I'm gonna drink it,

I want it from That Witch.

♪♪ [That Girl theme music]

Stop that.

Here, my little pretty.

Mom, is this normal?

I mean, I'm so big,

and I'm only eight weeks pregnant.

I don't know how to tell you this, Darlene,

but this isn't normal for eight years pregnant.

Good evening, neighbors.

Hello, there.

Hello?

We would invite you in,

but then I guess we would be too late.

Oh, no, it's okay, Mom.

This is Al and Edna Von Miest.

They live next door.

My dear, you're getting bigger every day.

We know the top obstetrician in town.

I'll have him sent right over.

Well, we already have a doctor that we like.

I strongly recommend you switch to ours.

What are you, one of those thugs from Blue Cross?

Oh! And look.

We've brought you a thermos of tannis root tea.

Yes, we did. Mm-mm-mm.

There we go.

Aren't you forgetting something, Al?

What, dear?

Oh, he'd lose his head

if it wasn't spiked onto his neck.

Uh, the amulet.

Oh, yes, the amulet.

Here it is.

Now you just wear this all the time.

It'll keep away the good.

I mean evil-- ha ha-- spirits.

Got to go.

Listen, you just keep drinking that tea, all right?

All right. Bye-bye.

Drink the tea, dear.

You know, I don't want to pick your friends for you,

but I hate those people.

Man, I'm hungry.

Ew! Oh!

What is that you're eating, Darlene?

Raw chicken gizzards.

Al and Edna said they'd be good for the baby.

You're not an animal.

Use a fork!

Wait a minute. Oh, my God.

What did you say their names were again?

Al and Edna Von Miest.

Al and Edna Von Miest.

My God, Darlene, their names spell out "Evil demon Satan"!

No way.

Yes, and they also spell out

"Save Damien, not L."

And Damian was that horrible devil kid in The Omen.

Who's L? I don't know.

Listen, we've got to get you out of here now.

Aah!

Aah!

I'm gonna have the baby right now!

Don't you worry about a thing.

You can trust Eddie.

Aah!

Come on, dear.

[everyone talking at once]

Mom!

Darlene!

♪♪ [eerie]

Aah!

You really shouldn't be here, Roseanne.

This is my first grandkid,

and I'll be damned if I don't see it.

How ironic. You'll also be damned if you do.

[gasp]

What have you done to it?

What have you done to its eyes?

They're his father's eyes, Roseanne.

What are you talking about?

Those are not David's eyes.

David is not his father, Roseanne.

His father is the Prince of Darkness.

Hail! Hail!

Hail! Hail!

He chose your daughter.

You should be very honored.

There's nothing wrong with my baby.

He's just my wittle bittle precious.

Raahr!

Man, is he gonna be difficult as a teenager.

It's really not fair

for the devil to take my grandchild.

I have never done anything to the devil.

It's not like I go to church or nothing.

Roseanne, now that you know the truth,

I think it would be better if you left.

That's right, but don't worry.

You can visit the child any time you like.

It'll be hot, but it's a nice dry heat.

No, not so fast.

I demand to talk to the baby's father.

Well, unfortunately, Roseanne,

the devil couldn't make it,

but he did send a lovely fruit basket.

Look, you tell him to get his ass in here right now,

if he has an ass.

Oh, all right.

He is not going to be happy about it.

I don't get it. Are you the devil?

No, Roseanne, I'm just his advocate.

Well, you look exactly like me.

I take on whatever form your subconscious chooses to give me.

I almost came as a hamburger.

Well, whoever you are, I'm taking my grandson back.

I think that would be a mistake, Roseanne.

What do you know about my grandson?

We know how to get him into the right network of people.

They only want what's best for him, Roseanne.

You'll be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.

You think that some amount of money

is enough for me to sell you my flesh and blood?

Well, it's not like you're gonna be able

to go back home anymore.

You have become a have

in a world of have-nots,

and that puts your grandson in a weird position.

Hey, I practically raised my sister

and my husband and myself

and my three grown kids,

plus my daughters' husbands.

I was strong as a mother,

but I am unstoppable as a grandmother.

You think you're so cool,

but you've given me a lot of power.

I can make you eat too much and steal.

Remember those towels from Disney World?

What towels?

And I can make you lie.

Well, I'm a damn good mother, and you know that.

Obviously, the devil has a problem with women

and a huge problem with mothers.

Well, mothers are the hardest to turn,

but when we do get one, we party for centuries.

Well, I love my kids,

even if they do have, uh, red, beady eyes

and horns and hooves.

I'll love this kid,

no matter his race, creed, nationality,

or sexual preference.

Darn! I mean damn!

Darlene, get your baby. We're going home.

You are so beyond grounded, Darlene.

Roseanne, wake up.

What's the matter with her?

She only had those ten martinis

and that little thing you gave her, Pat.

Oh. Pump her stomach.

Oh, hey, that's my sister.

I'll do it.

[punch]

What happened?

You just passed out there.

To be blunt, darling,

you were around three rounds behind us.

Rose-- Oh, there you are.

How can I ever thank you for your $100,000 donation to our charity?

I didn't give you $100,000!

I'll need some of that

to rehabilitate her image--

a percentage.

Of course, of course.

You are very happening right now,

do you know that?

You are coming to stay at my house

on the Vineyard this weekend.

I won't take no.

We can go back to the party now.

Everyone's willing to meet her.

Oh, I-- I feel a little woozy.

Oh, drink it off, sweetheart.

Drink it off, sweetie.

♪♪ [Rosemary's Baby theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA