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1
00:00:05,732 --> 00:00:06,831
Over here, over here.
2
00:00:06,900 --> 00:00:08,800
Hey, look.
I'm the Nanny.
3
00:00:10,537 --> 00:00:12,704
Get out of here.
4
00:00:15,542 --> 00:00:17,877
Okay, the key to fitting in
to New York society
5
00:00:17,945 --> 00:00:20,146
is acting like you don't
want to be here.
6
00:00:20,214 --> 00:00:21,581
Actually, the coolest
thing would be
7
00:00:21,649 --> 00:00:23,015
if we just left right now.
8
00:00:23,084 --> 00:00:24,717
Oh,
I don't want to leave.
9
00:00:24,785 --> 00:00:27,453
The New York parties
are more exciting
10
00:00:27,522 --> 00:00:30,290
than I ever thought
they could be.
11
00:00:30,358 --> 00:00:31,892
And this one's
for charity.
12
00:00:31,961 --> 00:00:33,193
I don't know which one,
13
00:00:33,262 --> 00:00:34,962
but if Liz Taylor's
involved,
14
00:00:35,030 --> 00:00:38,532
you know it has to be
something really sad.
15
00:00:38,601 --> 00:00:41,301
Of course, this is nothing
like New York in its prime.
16
00:00:41,369 --> 00:00:44,170
Let's face it,
this city died years ago
17
00:00:44,239 --> 00:00:46,975
when Lou Reed walked
into that Methadone clinic.
18
00:00:47,043 --> 00:00:49,944
What do you talk
to these people about?
19
00:00:50,012 --> 00:00:53,282
Hey, we can talk to them
about the Golden Chamber spa.
20
00:00:53,351 --> 00:00:54,848
How was it there?
21
00:00:54,917 --> 00:00:55,850
Oh, it was--
22
00:00:57,255 --> 00:00:58,386
Aah!
23
00:00:58,455 --> 00:00:59,822
Ow!
24
00:00:59,890 --> 00:01:01,388
Fantastic.
25
00:01:01,457 --> 00:01:03,959
Oh, God,
I just remembered.
26
00:01:04,028 --> 00:01:05,394
Spas are out.
27
00:01:05,463 --> 00:01:06,995
No!
28
00:01:07,064 --> 00:01:09,098
So, uh...
I'm dating a prince.
29
00:01:09,167 --> 00:01:10,766
We can talk to 'em
about that.
30
00:01:10,835 --> 00:01:11,934
That
seems like bragging.
31
00:01:12,003 --> 00:01:13,069
Bragging's in.
32
00:01:13,137 --> 00:01:15,170
All right.
We're home free.
33
00:01:15,239 --> 00:01:17,372
Okay, girls, look,
34
00:01:17,442 --> 00:01:18,808
I know you're new at this,
35
00:01:18,876 --> 00:01:20,743
so I'm gonna volunteer
to be your guide.
36
00:01:20,812 --> 00:01:22,878
Now, look,
if we get separated--
37
00:01:22,947 --> 00:01:25,048
Oh, Vandala, honey,
I need to talk to you!
38
00:01:25,117 --> 00:01:26,116
What?
39
00:01:26,185 --> 00:01:28,018
If we get
separated, what?
40
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:29,386
Drinks.
41
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:40,098
♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪
42
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:42,267
♪ We're gonna last longer ♪
43
00:01:42,335 --> 00:01:45,103
♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪
44
00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:48,274
♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪
45
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:52,445
♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪
46
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:54,613
♪ While waiting for my turn ♪
47
00:01:54,683 --> 00:01:57,617
♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪
48
00:01:57,686 --> 00:02:00,787
♪ But you also get some sun ♪
49
00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:04,791
♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪
50
00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:07,627
♪ Hear what I say ♪
51
00:02:07,696 --> 00:02:12,299
♪ Yeah, any day ♪
52
00:02:17,707 --> 00:02:18,940
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
53
00:02:23,613 --> 00:02:24,712
Well, I don't know.
54
00:02:24,781 --> 00:02:26,881
I guess we got to mingle
a little better.
55
00:02:26,950 --> 00:02:29,185
Yeah.
I think you're right.
56
00:02:29,253 --> 00:02:30,751
So...
57
00:02:32,589 --> 00:02:34,655
how are things going
at the diner?
58
00:02:36,127 --> 00:02:37,726
Don't mingle with me.
59
00:02:37,795 --> 00:02:39,361
Sorry.
60
00:02:39,431 --> 00:02:41,531
Come on.
We'll take a lap.
61
00:02:42,633 --> 00:02:44,134
[laughter]
62
00:02:46,205 --> 00:02:47,303
Who's that?
63
00:02:50,342 --> 00:02:52,742
That is Tina Beige.
64
00:02:52,811 --> 00:02:54,143
Remarkable woman.
65
00:02:54,212 --> 00:02:57,880
Yes. She is the editor
of Manhattan magazine.
66
00:02:57,949 --> 00:02:59,516
Oh, I love that magazine.
67
00:02:59,584 --> 00:03:02,452
it's extra heavy
for killing the big bugs.
68
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,388
You know, he was
so fond of Jackie,
69
00:03:04,456 --> 00:03:07,492
so I said to him,
"Darling, you're Gore Vidal.
70
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,760
"Of course your story
can be a day late.
71
00:03:09,829 --> 00:03:12,897
Genius does not
punch a time clock."
72
00:03:14,234 --> 00:03:15,867
Ha ha ha ha ha!
73
00:03:21,108 --> 00:03:23,475
You got to work
on your fake laugh.
74
00:03:23,544 --> 00:03:25,077
You want
to mingle more
75
00:03:25,146 --> 00:03:26,612
or just head
for the buffet?
76
00:03:26,681 --> 00:03:29,415
Ah, the buffet.
77
00:03:29,483 --> 00:03:31,818
I remember you
from the Vanderbilts.
78
00:03:31,886 --> 00:03:35,989
You're married
to that delightful
arms dealer, are you not?
79
00:03:36,057 --> 00:03:38,090
Oh, yeah.
As a matter of fact,
80
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:39,859
he's wrapping up
a deal right now
81
00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:41,928
at Roosevelt
Junior High.
82
00:03:41,998 --> 00:03:43,764
I'm Estee Longet.
83
00:03:43,833 --> 00:03:45,633
You're Estee Longet?
84
00:03:45,702 --> 00:03:47,400
Oh, my God.
Like in the perfume
85
00:03:47,470 --> 00:03:49,236
and the make-up
and all that?
86
00:03:49,305 --> 00:03:50,537
In the flesh.
87
00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:51,772
Oh, my God!
88
00:03:51,841 --> 00:03:54,108
Hey,
do you know Maybelline?
89
00:03:57,147 --> 00:03:59,848
Uh, I'm Jackie Harris.
This is Roseanne Conner.
90
00:03:59,917 --> 00:04:02,550
I'm so glad to meet you.
91
00:04:06,157 --> 00:04:08,556
Man, she must have
a fever or something.
92
00:04:08,625 --> 00:04:11,194
Her hand was hot as hell.
93
00:04:11,262 --> 00:04:13,495
Martini boy!
94
00:04:19,538 --> 00:04:20,970
Uh,
they're really very good.
95
00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:24,007
I've just had-- [hiccup]--
three of them myself.
96
00:04:26,344 --> 00:04:30,179
Hello, hello, hello.
Look at you.
97
00:04:30,248 --> 00:04:32,682
Look at them.
You look gorgeous.
98
00:04:32,751 --> 00:04:35,519
In fact, you look
like $108 million.
99
00:04:37,157 --> 00:04:39,457
Astrid, remember?
You can call me Bobo.
100
00:04:39,526 --> 00:04:40,725
This is my husband
Gardiner.
101
00:04:40,794 --> 00:04:42,994
You can call him Dinky.
I call him Peanut.
102
00:04:44,564 --> 00:04:46,630
Were you in town
for the Jackie O. auction?
103
00:04:46,699 --> 00:04:49,633
We couldn't wait
to get our hands
on some of her things.
104
00:04:49,702 --> 00:04:50,902
Oh, she had
wonderful things.
105
00:04:50,971 --> 00:04:53,705
Colleen Dewhurst died.
I hear she had lovely things.
106
00:04:53,774 --> 00:04:55,707
Yes. We've already
got red dots
107
00:04:55,776 --> 00:04:57,909
on Barbra Streisand's
things.
108
00:04:57,978 --> 00:04:59,512
May she live forever.
109
00:05:00,848 --> 00:05:03,916
Oh, I wish I'd
brought a camera!
110
00:05:03,985 --> 00:05:05,684
Shall I tell you
who's here?
Yeah.
111
00:05:05,754 --> 00:05:07,486
Let's see. Oh, there's
Dibs Huntsford
112
00:05:07,555 --> 00:05:09,222
and Didi Rottweiler
113
00:05:09,290 --> 00:05:11,825
And over-- Baby Dachshund
114
00:05:11,893 --> 00:05:14,861
and Oreka Schnauzer.
115
00:05:14,929 --> 00:05:17,264
And the woman I admire
most in the world:
116
00:05:17,333 --> 00:05:18,966
Bixie
Hamberfachenbergerbender.
117
00:05:20,937 --> 00:05:23,638
She is the perfect weight
for New York:
118
00:05:23,706 --> 00:05:26,374
2 pounds above organ failure.
119
00:05:26,443 --> 00:05:28,776
Oh! There's two other people
you must meet.
120
00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:30,545
They were at the auction
as well.
121
00:05:30,614 --> 00:05:32,247
You stay here. Stay, money.
122
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:48,898
[no audible dialogue]
123
00:05:52,504 --> 00:05:53,603
Fabulous party.
Fabulous party.
124
00:05:53,672 --> 00:05:55,439
Thank you, darling.
There they are over there.
125
00:05:55,508 --> 00:05:58,075
$108 million
lottery winners.
126
00:05:58,143 --> 00:06:00,343
They'll be coming from their
fingers like ticker tape
127
00:06:00,412 --> 00:06:02,012
by the time I've
finished with them.
128
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,881
Yes, they will.
That's them.
129
00:06:03,949 --> 00:06:05,883
Liz? Oh, my God,
130
00:06:05,951 --> 00:06:08,051
what did
Larry Fortensky
do to her?
131
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,052
It's not Liz.
132
00:06:09,122 --> 00:06:10,121
It's not Liz.
133
00:06:10,189 --> 00:06:11,890
And who's that
drag queen with her?
134
00:06:11,958 --> 00:06:14,059
That's not Liz.
It's not Liz.
135
00:06:14,127 --> 00:06:15,193
Come meet, come meet.
136
00:06:15,262 --> 00:06:16,594
Come meet.
137
00:06:16,663 --> 00:06:20,633
Eddie, Pats, this is
Roseanne and Jackie.
Hello.
138
00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:22,268
Hello. Nice to meet you.
Hello.
139
00:06:22,336 --> 00:06:24,869
Oh, hey, so you're
from a foreign country.
140
00:06:24,939 --> 00:06:26,105
We're from England.
141
00:06:26,173 --> 00:06:27,840
Oh!
142
00:06:27,909 --> 00:06:30,276
Cool. Well, sis, here,
is dating a prince.
143
00:06:30,344 --> 00:06:32,078
Dating a prince.
144
00:06:32,147 --> 00:06:34,247
If he's one of ours,
it must be Edward.
145
00:06:37,485 --> 00:06:38,851
Go get us some drinks,
darling.
146
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,020
They need oiling up.
147
00:06:40,089 --> 00:06:41,488
Yeah, yeah.
148
00:06:41,556 --> 00:06:45,158
So, uh,
who's the drag queen?
149
00:06:47,430 --> 00:06:48,495
Hey, Pat!
150
00:06:49,898 --> 00:06:52,066
Need any help
with those drinks?
151
00:06:52,135 --> 00:06:53,968
Yeah, thanks, old man.
152
00:06:55,972 --> 00:06:57,404
Eddie, you have to tell her
153
00:06:57,473 --> 00:06:58,906
what you bought
at the auction.
154
00:06:58,975 --> 00:06:59,907
I'll leave.
155
00:06:59,976 --> 00:07:01,175
Not the pink dress.
156
00:07:01,243 --> 00:07:03,278
Not the pink dress.
157
00:07:03,347 --> 00:07:05,013
The pink Bic.
158
00:07:05,082 --> 00:07:06,248
The pink Bic?
159
00:07:06,316 --> 00:07:07,349
The Lady Schick.
160
00:07:07,418 --> 00:07:08,950
What do you want
with a razor?
161
00:07:09,019 --> 00:07:10,619
DNA.
162
00:07:12,389 --> 00:07:14,055
Do you understand?
163
00:07:14,124 --> 00:07:16,025
Okay, you've got
Jackie Kennedy's DNA
on the razor.
164
00:07:16,093 --> 00:07:18,528
No, I don't get it.
Shh!
165
00:07:18,596 --> 00:07:19,529
What?
166
00:07:19,597 --> 00:07:21,297
See this little
spot of blood here?
167
00:07:21,366 --> 00:07:23,700
Don't touch it. I don't want
yours mingling in there.
168
00:07:23,769 --> 00:07:25,902
You see that?
This spot of blood
169
00:07:25,971 --> 00:07:29,972
contains Jackie O's
dyno-berililic nuclear acid.
170
00:07:30,041 --> 00:07:31,208
[gasp]
171
00:07:31,277 --> 00:07:33,443
Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park.
172
00:07:36,482 --> 00:07:37,582
Hmm.
173
00:07:37,651 --> 00:07:40,652
That's nice, yet--
What do you think?
174
00:07:41,987 --> 00:07:42,920
Oh.
175
00:07:46,660 --> 00:07:47,926
Delicious.
176
00:07:47,994 --> 00:07:49,595
70 proof.
177
00:07:52,633 --> 00:07:54,500
We're gonna clone Jackie O.
178
00:07:54,568 --> 00:07:57,135
Not just one of them.
We can have hundreds of them.
179
00:07:57,205 --> 00:07:58,637
We can have
thousands of them.
180
00:07:58,706 --> 00:08:02,241
You know, we can have
little Jackies of all ages.
181
00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:07,379
We can have herds of
Jackie Raptors strolling
through the misty valley.
182
00:08:07,448 --> 00:08:09,148
This is gonna be a theme park.
183
00:08:09,217 --> 00:08:12,152
You can go
from Bouvier to Onassis
in one simple tram line.
184
00:08:12,221 --> 00:08:13,354
It's fantastic.
185
00:08:13,422 --> 00:08:14,521
Oh, I get it.
186
00:08:14,590 --> 00:08:16,857
It's kind of
like Dollywood,
187
00:08:16,925 --> 00:08:19,025
except for, like,
Jackiewood.
188
00:08:19,094 --> 00:08:20,026
Yeah.
189
00:08:20,095 --> 00:08:21,663
Six Flags Over Jackie.
190
00:08:21,732 --> 00:08:22,664
That's it.
191
00:08:22,733 --> 00:08:23,831
EuroJackie.
192
00:08:23,899 --> 00:08:25,333
Yeah. But it's only
the beginning.
193
00:08:25,401 --> 00:08:28,236
I mean, with your money,
we can have a DNA bank.
194
00:08:28,305 --> 00:08:29,938
People can leave their DNA now
195
00:08:30,006 --> 00:08:32,473
so they can be theme parked
when they die.
196
00:08:32,542 --> 00:08:33,942
Yeah? Are you in?
197
00:08:34,011 --> 00:08:36,044
Well, I don't know.
Do I get to be
198
00:08:36,112 --> 00:08:37,880
Chairman of the Board
or Skipper or anything?
199
00:08:37,948 --> 00:08:39,915
How much have you got?
108 million.
200
00:08:39,983 --> 00:08:41,417
Hello, boss. Ha ha ha!
201
00:08:41,486 --> 00:08:43,152
Boss.
202
00:08:43,221 --> 00:08:44,888
I love you.
203
00:08:44,956 --> 00:08:47,422
Well, I got
to hand it to you.
204
00:08:47,492 --> 00:08:49,926
The way you walk
so well in those heels,
205
00:08:49,994 --> 00:08:52,562
you about
had me convinced.
206
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:57,700
That's a very covering
foundation you use.
207
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:01,371
You have a problem
with stubble?
208
00:09:01,439 --> 00:09:02,673
Yeah, yeah.
209
00:09:02,741 --> 00:09:04,107
Not on my face.
210
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,085
Roseanna Connelly.
211
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,187
I'm gonna do
your publicity, darling.
212
00:09:16,255 --> 00:09:19,157
I'm gonna do your PR
for you, sweetheart.
213
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,958
All right, sweetie.
214
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,162
What?
215
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,763
I am gonna
do your publicity.
216
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:28,033
What the hell do I
need publicity for?
217
00:09:28,102 --> 00:09:30,335
Everybody needs publicity!
218
00:09:30,405 --> 00:09:33,206
Sweetheart, come on,
talk to me, talk to me.
219
00:09:33,275 --> 00:09:36,676
Come on, tell me.
How many children
have you got, darling, hmm?
220
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:38,044
Huh?
221
00:09:38,113 --> 00:09:39,045
How many?
222
00:09:39,114 --> 00:09:40,213
Four!
223
00:09:40,282 --> 00:09:41,715
Well, you'll have
to lose two.
224
00:09:41,784 --> 00:09:43,584
We'll get Mia Farrow
to adopt them.
225
00:09:43,653 --> 00:09:45,986
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
226
00:09:46,054 --> 00:09:48,255
You're not a man at all,
are you, Jackie?
227
00:09:48,323 --> 00:09:49,590
I'm not a man!
228
00:09:49,659 --> 00:09:51,358
I'm not a man.
229
00:09:51,427 --> 00:09:52,693
You know,
I can't believe
230
00:09:52,762 --> 00:09:54,696
you actually thought
I was an actual man
231
00:09:54,765 --> 00:09:57,465
because I'm, like,
so far away from
being an actual man.
232
00:09:57,534 --> 00:09:58,466
Well...
233
00:09:58,535 --> 00:09:59,968
I gave birth to a child.
234
00:10:00,037 --> 00:10:01,970
I-- I breast fed
a little baby.
235
00:10:02,039 --> 00:10:04,472
I-- These are real,
you know?
236
00:10:04,541 --> 00:10:06,374
Milk
comes out of these.
237
00:10:07,477 --> 00:10:08,911
I got to tell you,
though,
238
00:10:08,979 --> 00:10:10,546
the ironic thing is,
see,
239
00:10:10,614 --> 00:10:13,181
I thought
you were a man.
240
00:10:13,250 --> 00:10:15,950
Well, I was once
for about a year.
241
00:10:17,922 --> 00:10:19,555
And then what happened?
242
00:10:19,624 --> 00:10:20,990
Well, it dropped off.
243
00:10:25,430 --> 00:10:27,129
I'm gonna change
your image for you.
244
00:10:27,198 --> 00:10:29,232
I'm gonna change
your image for you.
245
00:10:29,301 --> 00:10:31,568
I don't want my image
to be changed.
246
00:10:31,637 --> 00:10:33,236
Of course you want
your image changed.
247
00:10:33,305 --> 00:10:34,571
Get this woman another drink!
248
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:40,511
I'm gonna make you the next
Heavy-belly Illy-billy.
249
00:10:40,580 --> 00:10:42,513
Fat is back.
I can see it now.
250
00:10:42,582 --> 00:10:44,781
You can never be
too fat or too rich.
251
00:10:44,850 --> 00:10:46,150
Go for it, Eddie!
252
00:10:46,219 --> 00:10:47,652
It won't
cost you very much.
253
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,420
It's just gonna be
a small percentage
254
00:10:49,489 --> 00:10:50,922
of your total
capital grossage.
255
00:10:50,991 --> 00:10:53,892
That's it-- Come on,
throw money at me, darling.
256
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,026
I'll get you out of here.
257
00:10:55,095 --> 00:10:56,162
I'll get you
a People spread.
258
00:10:56,230 --> 00:10:58,197
I'll get you
the Kathie-Regis Lee show!
259
00:10:58,266 --> 00:10:59,264
No, no, don't!
260
00:10:59,333 --> 00:11:00,699
No, Roseanne,
don't do Kathie Lee!
261
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:01,801
Not Kathie Lee!
262
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:03,468
Kathie Lee
made little children
263
00:11:03,537 --> 00:11:05,572
work in sweat shirts
in the heat!
264
00:11:10,579 --> 00:11:13,647
Hey! Hey! Hey!
265
00:11:21,357 --> 00:11:22,757
I'm not gonna listen
266
00:11:22,825 --> 00:11:27,561
to one more bad thing
about Kathie Lee Gifford!
267
00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:30,230
Okay? What with all
the things she's got to do
268
00:11:30,299 --> 00:11:32,768
between her show,
her Christmas special,
269
00:11:32,836 --> 00:11:34,770
all the things she does
for little Cody,
270
00:11:34,838 --> 00:11:37,037
plus the daughter--
whatever the hell
her name is.
271
00:11:37,106 --> 00:11:38,806
Do you really think
she has time
272
00:11:38,875 --> 00:11:40,308
to be on a cruise ship
273
00:11:40,377 --> 00:11:41,844
as well as overseeing
things
274
00:11:41,912 --> 00:11:44,579
in some Honduras sweatshop
at the very same time?
275
00:11:44,649 --> 00:11:48,384
My God, the woman
is only human!
276
00:11:52,891 --> 00:11:54,490
You know,
when you think about it,
277
00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:55,826
maybe those children
were lucky.
278
00:11:55,895 --> 00:11:59,161
There are
millions of children
in our own country
279
00:11:59,230 --> 00:12:01,632
who cannot even find jobs!
280
00:12:03,802 --> 00:12:05,602
[Jackie sobbing]
281
00:12:31,832 --> 00:12:34,699
[Roseanne]
This must be SoHo.
282
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:40,640
Ha ha ha ha ha!
283
00:12:40,708 --> 00:12:42,341
Ear of a rabbit.
284
00:12:42,411 --> 00:12:44,577
A splash of lye.
285
00:12:44,646 --> 00:12:47,513
And the brittle wings
of a dragonfly.
286
00:12:49,818 --> 00:12:50,750
Roseanne.
287
00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:51,752
Roseanne.
288
00:12:51,821 --> 00:12:53,654
Bow unto
our midnight dance.
289
00:12:53,722 --> 00:12:55,622
The souls of hell
have chosen you.
290
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:57,691
For a purpose
you will discover.
291
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,761
In another world
of parallel reality.
292
00:13:00,830 --> 00:13:01,762
Mmm...
293
00:13:01,831 --> 00:13:05,366
The potion, it is ready.
294
00:13:05,435 --> 00:13:07,268
It is ready.
295
00:13:07,337 --> 00:13:10,137
You shall deliver
what we want.
296
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,607
It belongs
to your daughter Darlene.
297
00:13:12,676 --> 00:13:14,109
Drink! Drink!
298
00:13:14,178 --> 00:13:16,511
All right, all right,
but if I'm gonna drink it,
299
00:13:16,580 --> 00:13:18,580
I want it from That Witch.
300
00:13:18,648 --> 00:13:21,218
♪♪ [That Girl theme music]
301
00:13:22,386 --> 00:13:23,886
Stop that.
302
00:13:25,590 --> 00:13:27,690
Here, my little pretty.
303
00:13:33,631 --> 00:13:34,965
Mom, is this normal?
304
00:13:35,033 --> 00:13:36,265
I mean, I'm so big,
305
00:13:36,334 --> 00:13:38,301
and I'm only
eight weeks pregnant.
306
00:13:40,772 --> 00:13:42,974
I don't know how to
tell you this, Darlene,
307
00:13:43,042 --> 00:13:46,510
but this isn't normal
for eight years pregnant.
308
00:13:46,578 --> 00:13:48,512
Good evening, neighbors.
309
00:13:48,582 --> 00:13:49,514
Hello, there.
310
00:13:49,583 --> 00:13:50,682
Hello?
311
00:13:50,751 --> 00:13:52,450
We would invite you in,
312
00:13:52,519 --> 00:13:54,986
but then I guess
we would be too late.
313
00:13:55,055 --> 00:13:56,254
Oh, no, it's okay, Mom.
314
00:13:56,323 --> 00:13:58,057
This is Al and Edna Von Miest.
315
00:13:58,125 --> 00:13:59,157
They live next door.
316
00:13:59,226 --> 00:14:03,428
My dear, you're getting
bigger every day.
317
00:14:03,498 --> 00:14:06,466
We know the top
obstetrician in town.
318
00:14:06,534 --> 00:14:08,168
I'll have him sent
right over.
319
00:14:08,236 --> 00:14:10,636
Well, we already have
a doctor that we like.
320
00:14:10,705 --> 00:14:14,074
I strongly recommend
you switch to ours.
321
00:14:14,142 --> 00:14:18,445
What are you, one of those
thugs from Blue Cross?
322
00:14:18,514 --> 00:14:20,447
Oh! And look.
323
00:14:20,516 --> 00:14:23,717
We've brought you a thermos
of tannis root tea.
324
00:14:23,785 --> 00:14:25,486
Yes, we did. Mm-mm-mm.
325
00:14:25,554 --> 00:14:27,054
There we go.
326
00:14:27,123 --> 00:14:29,056
Aren't you forgetting
something, Al?
327
00:14:29,125 --> 00:14:30,057
What, dear?
328
00:14:30,126 --> 00:14:31,893
Oh, he'd lose his head
329
00:14:31,961 --> 00:14:34,762
if it wasn't spiked
onto his neck.
330
00:14:34,831 --> 00:14:36,697
Uh, the amulet.
331
00:14:36,766 --> 00:14:39,401
Oh, yes, the amulet.
332
00:14:39,469 --> 00:14:40,568
Here it is.
333
00:14:40,636 --> 00:14:44,040
Now you just wear this
all the time.
334
00:14:44,108 --> 00:14:45,741
It'll
keep away the good.
335
00:14:46,978 --> 00:14:50,045
I mean evil--
ha ha-- spirits.
336
00:14:52,716 --> 00:14:53,984
Got to go.
337
00:14:54,052 --> 00:14:56,686
Listen, you just keep
drinking that tea, all right?
338
00:14:56,755 --> 00:14:58,353
All right. Bye-bye.
339
00:14:58,422 --> 00:14:59,656
Drink the tea, dear.
340
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,726
You know, I don't want
to pick your friends for you,
341
00:15:03,795 --> 00:15:05,997
but I hate those people.
342
00:15:06,064 --> 00:15:08,364
Man, I'm hungry.
343
00:15:09,669 --> 00:15:11,836
Ew! Oh!
344
00:15:11,905 --> 00:15:14,005
What is that
you're eating, Darlene?
345
00:15:14,073 --> 00:15:15,473
Raw chicken gizzards.
346
00:15:15,542 --> 00:15:17,975
Al and Edna said they'd
be good for the baby.
347
00:15:18,044 --> 00:15:20,012
You're not an animal.
348
00:15:20,079 --> 00:15:22,014
Use a fork!
349
00:15:23,249 --> 00:15:24,682
Wait a minute. Oh, my God.
350
00:15:24,751 --> 00:15:26,684
What did you say
their names were again?
351
00:15:26,753 --> 00:15:28,420
Al and Edna Von Miest.
352
00:15:28,489 --> 00:15:30,755
Al and Edna Von Miest.
353
00:15:30,825 --> 00:15:34,793
My God, Darlene, their names
spell out "Evil demon Satan"!
354
00:15:34,862 --> 00:15:35,861
No way.
355
00:15:35,930 --> 00:15:37,363
Yes, and they also spell out
356
00:15:37,432 --> 00:15:39,499
"Save Damien, not L."
357
00:15:39,568 --> 00:15:43,035
And Damian was that horrible
devil kid in The Omen.
358
00:15:43,104 --> 00:15:44,670
Who's L?
I don't know.
359
00:15:44,739 --> 00:15:47,307
Listen, we've
got to get you
out of here now.
360
00:15:47,375 --> 00:15:48,708
Aah!
361
00:15:48,776 --> 00:15:49,910
Aah!
362
00:15:49,978 --> 00:15:52,311
I'm gonna have the baby
right now!
363
00:15:54,116 --> 00:15:55,582
Don't you worry
about a thing.
364
00:15:55,651 --> 00:15:57,084
You can trust Eddie.
365
00:15:57,153 --> 00:15:58,085
Aah!
366
00:15:58,155 --> 00:15:59,486
Come on, dear.
367
00:15:59,555 --> 00:16:00,887
[everyone talking at once]
368
00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:03,657
Mom!
369
00:16:03,727 --> 00:16:05,326
Darlene!
370
00:16:06,663 --> 00:16:08,863
♪♪ [eerie]
371
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,748
Aah!
372
00:16:56,817 --> 00:17:00,786
You really shouldn't
be here, Roseanne.
373
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,387
This is my first grandkid,
374
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:04,756
and I'll be damned
if I don't see it.
375
00:17:04,825 --> 00:17:08,227
How ironic. You'll also
be damned if you do.
376
00:17:13,034 --> 00:17:14,100
[gasp]
377
00:17:14,168 --> 00:17:16,803
What have you done to it?
378
00:17:16,871 --> 00:17:19,606
What have you done
to its eyes?
379
00:17:19,674 --> 00:17:21,674
They're his father's
eyes, Roseanne.
380
00:17:21,743 --> 00:17:23,476
What are you
talking about?
381
00:17:23,545 --> 00:17:26,213
Those are not
David's eyes.
382
00:17:26,281 --> 00:17:27,981
David is not
his father, Roseanne.
383
00:17:28,050 --> 00:17:30,684
His father is
the Prince of Darkness.
384
00:17:30,753 --> 00:17:31,752
Hail!
Hail!
385
00:17:31,821 --> 00:17:34,055
Hail!
Hail!
386
00:17:34,124 --> 00:17:35,923
He chose your daughter.
387
00:17:35,993 --> 00:17:37,758
You should be
very honored.
388
00:17:37,828 --> 00:17:39,761
There's nothing
wrong with my baby.
389
00:17:39,830 --> 00:17:42,130
He's just my wittle
bittle precious.
390
00:17:42,199 --> 00:17:45,133
Raahr!
391
00:17:45,202 --> 00:17:48,370
Man, is he gonna
be difficult
as a teenager.
392
00:17:49,673 --> 00:17:50,772
It's really not fair
393
00:17:50,841 --> 00:17:52,975
for the devil
to take my grandchild.
394
00:17:53,044 --> 00:17:54,977
I have never done
anything to the devil.
395
00:17:55,046 --> 00:17:57,780
It's not like I go
to church or nothing.
396
00:17:57,849 --> 00:17:59,749
Roseanne, now that you
know the truth,
397
00:17:59,818 --> 00:18:02,018
I think it would be
better if you left.
398
00:18:02,088 --> 00:18:04,587
That's right,
but don't worry.
399
00:18:04,655 --> 00:18:07,091
You can visit the child
any time you like.
400
00:18:07,159 --> 00:18:10,995
It'll be hot,
but it's a nice dry heat.
401
00:18:11,063 --> 00:18:13,097
No, not so fast.
402
00:18:13,165 --> 00:18:15,766
I demand to talk
to the baby's father.
403
00:18:15,834 --> 00:18:17,834
Well, unfortunately,
Roseanne,
404
00:18:17,904 --> 00:18:19,136
the devil couldn't make it,
405
00:18:19,205 --> 00:18:22,807
but he did send
a lovely fruit basket.
406
00:18:22,876 --> 00:18:25,944
Look, you tell him
to get his ass in here
right now,
407
00:18:26,012 --> 00:18:27,645
if he has an ass.
408
00:18:27,714 --> 00:18:30,248
Oh, all right.
409
00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:33,585
He is not going
to be happy about it.
410
00:18:39,961 --> 00:18:42,195
I don't get it.
Are you the devil?
411
00:18:42,264 --> 00:18:45,631
No, Roseanne,
I'm just his advocate.
412
00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:47,534
Well, you look
exactly like me.
413
00:18:47,602 --> 00:18:52,606
I take on whatever form
your subconscious
chooses to give me.
414
00:18:52,675 --> 00:18:54,775
I almost came
as a hamburger.
415
00:18:56,445 --> 00:18:59,679
Well, whoever you are,
I'm taking my grandson back.
416
00:18:59,748 --> 00:19:02,516
I think that would be
a mistake, Roseanne.
417
00:19:02,585 --> 00:19:04,519
What do you know
about my grandson?
418
00:19:04,587 --> 00:19:07,622
We know how to get him
into the right network
of people.
419
00:19:07,690 --> 00:19:10,792
They only want what's best
for him, Roseanne.
420
00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:14,896
You'll be rewarded
beyond your wildest dreams.
421
00:19:14,966 --> 00:19:16,665
You think that some
amount of money
422
00:19:16,733 --> 00:19:19,435
is enough for me
to sell you
my flesh and blood?
423
00:19:19,503 --> 00:19:21,437
Well, it's not like
you're gonna be able
424
00:19:21,505 --> 00:19:22,704
to go back home
anymore.
425
00:19:22,772 --> 00:19:23,972
You have become a have
426
00:19:24,041 --> 00:19:25,241
in a world
of have-nots,
427
00:19:25,310 --> 00:19:27,443
and that
puts your grandson
in a weird position.
428
00:19:27,511 --> 00:19:29,845
Hey, I practically
raised my sister
429
00:19:29,914 --> 00:19:31,614
and my husband
and myself
430
00:19:31,682 --> 00:19:33,016
and my three grown kids,
431
00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:34,917
plus my daughters'
husbands.
432
00:19:36,489 --> 00:19:37,920
I was strong as a mother,
433
00:19:37,989 --> 00:19:40,024
but I am unstoppable
as a grandmother.
434
00:19:40,092 --> 00:19:41,225
You think you're so cool,
435
00:19:41,293 --> 00:19:43,160
but you've given me
a lot of power.
436
00:19:43,229 --> 00:19:45,329
I can make you
eat too much and steal.
437
00:19:45,397 --> 00:19:47,231
Remember those towels
from Disney World?
438
00:19:48,434 --> 00:19:49,800
What towels?
439
00:19:51,704 --> 00:19:53,204
And I can make you lie.
440
00:19:53,273 --> 00:19:55,639
Well, I'm a damn good mother,
and you know that.
441
00:19:55,708 --> 00:19:58,475
Obviously, the devil
has a problem with women
442
00:19:58,544 --> 00:20:00,812
and a huge problem
with mothers.
443
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:04,449
Well, mothers are
the hardest to turn,
444
00:20:04,518 --> 00:20:07,453
but when we do get one,
we party for centuries.
445
00:20:07,521 --> 00:20:09,155
Well, I love my kids,
446
00:20:09,223 --> 00:20:12,425
even if they do have,
uh, red, beady eyes
447
00:20:12,493 --> 00:20:15,594
and horns and hooves.
448
00:20:15,663 --> 00:20:17,197
I'll love this kid,
449
00:20:17,265 --> 00:20:19,799
no matter his race,
creed, nationality,
450
00:20:19,867 --> 00:20:21,001
or sexual preference.
451
00:20:21,070 --> 00:20:23,504
Darn! I mean damn!
452
00:20:23,572 --> 00:20:27,674
Darlene, get your baby.
We're going home.
453
00:20:33,716 --> 00:20:36,918
You are so beyond grounded,
Darlene.
454
00:20:44,127 --> 00:20:45,059
Roseanne, wake up.
455
00:20:45,128 --> 00:20:46,261
What's
the matter with her?
456
00:20:46,330 --> 00:20:47,696
She only had
those ten martinis
457
00:20:47,764 --> 00:20:49,630
and that little thing
you gave her, Pat.
458
00:20:49,699 --> 00:20:51,032
Oh.
Pump her stomach.
459
00:20:53,437 --> 00:20:55,438
Oh, hey, that's my sister.
460
00:20:55,507 --> 00:20:56,638
I'll do it.
461
00:20:57,975 --> 00:20:59,107
[punch]
462
00:21:00,511 --> 00:21:02,711
What happened?
463
00:21:02,780 --> 00:21:04,180
You just
passed out there.
464
00:21:04,249 --> 00:21:05,348
To be blunt, darling,
465
00:21:05,416 --> 00:21:07,684
you were around three
rounds behind us.
466
00:21:07,752 --> 00:21:09,486
Rose-- Oh, there you are.
467
00:21:09,554 --> 00:21:13,257
How can I ever thank you
for your $100,000 donation
to our charity?
468
00:21:13,326 --> 00:21:15,559
I didn't give you $100,000!
469
00:21:15,627 --> 00:21:16,827
I'll
need some of that
470
00:21:16,896 --> 00:21:17,962
to rehabilitate
her image--
471
00:21:18,030 --> 00:21:19,029
a percentage.
472
00:21:19,098 --> 00:21:20,064
Of course, of course.
473
00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:21,499
You are very happening
right now,
474
00:21:21,568 --> 00:21:22,667
do you know that?
475
00:21:22,735 --> 00:21:24,602
You are coming
to stay at my house
476
00:21:24,671 --> 00:21:25,803
on the Vineyard
this weekend.
477
00:21:25,872 --> 00:21:27,004
I won't take no.
478
00:21:27,073 --> 00:21:28,939
We can go back
to the party now.
479
00:21:29,009 --> 00:21:30,775
Everyone's
willing to meet her.
480
00:21:30,845 --> 00:21:33,979
Oh, I-- I feel
a little woozy.
481
00:21:34,048 --> 00:21:35,848
Oh, drink it off,
sweetheart.
482
00:21:35,916 --> 00:21:37,617
Drink it off,
sweetie.
483
00:21:42,423 --> 00:21:44,423
♪♪ [Rosemary's Baby theme]
484
00:22:13,590 --> 00:22:16,525
Closed-Captioned By
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Burbank, CA
38527
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