Original subtitles

[phone ringing]

Wow.

I believe they're here.

Welcome to the Golden Chamber Spa. I'm Carol.

You must be Roseanne and Jackie.

Yeah, you got anything to drink?

Yeah, the air conditioner in our cab was busted.

Man, it was so sticky,

I about pulled the whole back seat out with me.

Uh-huh.

Why don't we check you in?

Rinse off,

and I'll meet you down here for your evaluation.

Yama, the bags.

Can you put us close to the soda machine?

Yeah. I'm sweating like a pig, man.

I know that this is a bit awkward,

but I do have to identify the problem areas.

Oh, Roseanne, what is this back here?

Oh, well, that's a dowager's hump.

A lot of Eastern European women have them.

I don't have one.

That's because I smashed yours when you were little.

You really are quite hairy, aren't you?

Well, I think it's just, it's kind of thick and dark,

so it looks like there's a lot.

You should have a bikini wax immediately.

I shave my thighs regularly.

I can see the stubble.

Jackie, your hair is thin,

follicles are clogged,

root texture is rough.

I'm very sorry.

And, Roseanne, I see lots of gray

and split ends,

and what is going on with your eyebrows?

Oh, I tried to light the pilot light last week.

Your skin is dirty, mmm.

Um...

some scarring. I would recommend a facial.

Every day.

It's unusual, but so is your skin.

Jackie, okay, yeah, a lot of dead skin on this face.

Um, and those eye bags.

Uh, wow! Okay.

Okay, neck skin is not good.

It has very little elasticity.

Yours is looser than most.

I'm not really sure what to recommend here.

Well, maybe we should just pack our bags and go home.

We do have a product, from France.

It is a thigh cream,

but I think that your neck would respond.

Jackie, your breasts are oddly shaped

and too small for your body.

I am so sorry.

And, Roseanne, ah, mmm,

your derriere is badly in need

of a re-shaping and a lift.

I guess we're probably the most disgusting people

you've ever tried to help, right?

We don't judge.

We reveal and heal.

That's what we do here.

So, Jackie, why don't you hop up on the bike?

And we'll test your endurance. Okay.

And, Roseanne, we will measure your body fat.

Great.

Here.

Oh, wow, okay, you're bigger than you look.

Okay.

You are unpleasantly fat.

Thank you.

Okay.

Help. Roseanne?

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[speaking Japanese]

[speaking Japanese]

The seaweed wrap must be airtight.

Gaps, spaces, and openings will not be tolerated.

So this cleans out all the toxins, huh?

It is not a mere cleaning.

The impurities are purged

by a relentless drive through the skin.

I'm scared, Roseanne.

Tighter.

Oh. Yike.

That's pretty tight.

At least I can still move my fingers.

You are weak. Pull!

[both exhaling]

Okay, now I can't breathe.

Perfect.

Now, you will feel itching.

It means that the toxins

are fleeing from the purification.

After that, report to the showers.

Oh, I really wish she hadn't said that thing about the itching.

Well...

I haven't seen a worse case since maybe Janet Reno.

That's hitting below the belt.

And Ms. Reno refused the products that I recommended,

just like Tommy Lee Jones and James Woods.

Well, we'll buy your products.

Oh, yeah, we'll get all your products.

Oh, good.

Your pores are engorged!

Ew, with what?

Debris.

That's why your face looks so rough and peasant-like.

You eat a lot of cheese.

No dairy!

Ssh! Ssh!

No dairy!

Do you know the pores define the face?

They're little fountains that squirt garbage out of the body,

and sometimes that fountain gets clogged,

and that's what enlarges your pores.

Large pores make a face look tired and cheap.

What is that?

It's an extractor.

It gets rid of blackheads, pimples, et cetera.

Ow!

One.

Ow!

We're just going to have to peel off this top face.

I recommend an acid peel.

Michael Jackson just swears by them.

Oh, he's got beautiful skin.

Ohh!

Ow!

Calm!

[peeling]

[Roseanne] Ow!

It's like little people food.

I can't believe it, I'm almost finished.

Excuse me.

Please tell me that this is not the dinner.

Please tell me that, even if you have to lie.

I'm afraid it is. Carol has you both

on a very strict 800-calorie diet.

Well, you know what?

I would like to know what Carol is eating tonight.

Tell me.

Tell me!

Ma'am, please, there's still dessert.

Oh, okay, good.

Let me take these.

Voilá.

I'm really not getting this joke, junior.

This is our last meal for 12 hours.

Like hell it is.

I can get us a pizza here in 30 minutes.

No, don't you start that.

I'm going to get two pepperoni pizzas

with extra topping of two pepperoni pizzas.

Roseanne.

You'll never get that past the guard at the gate.

Oh, yeah, I will,

because you'll distract the guy,

and I'll smack him with my hump.

Roseanne.

Listen, if you are not with me,

then you're against me.

You can do it.

People can go a month without food.

Yeah, because they're idiots.

I need food!

I'm not going to make it, Jackie.

Don't, stop hanging on me.

Ah, why don't you just go on without me?

Just leave me the gun so I can shoot the buzzards.

Come on, come on.

We're gonna get in trouble with the hike leader.

Oh, my God, Jackie. What?

There's a big, fat, juicy squirrel over there.

Get a rock!

You are deranged from lack of protein.

Bean him!

Hi.

Hi.

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

No, but can I eat your dinner?

Let me know when you're the last man on Earth.

Come on, let's shuffle back to our room

and nap before lunch.

Maybe we'll get lucky and drop dead in our sleep.

Now, see? Here, we're in trouble,

here comes the hike leader.

Excuse me, ladies.

No habla ingles.

Look, if you want to quit the hike,

I just need to know. It's really no problem.

Okay, well, yeah, we're gonna quit the hike.

Yeah, I'm kind of amazed you made it this far.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, a woman of your size

really shouldn't put so much strain on her heart.

Are you saying that I can't finish that hike?

I'm just saying that not everyone was meant to be fit.

Well, I'm fit!

Yeah, right,

and I'm the World Boxing Council lightweight champion.

Well, I'll snap your spine in half like a potato chip, you bitch.

Jackie.

What?

There's another squirrel,

and I am not letting this one get away.

Oh, my God.

And reach forward through the fingertips of your left hand.

Now drop the right shoulder underneath your thigh,

reach your right hand between your legs.

Wrap your left arm around your body with your right hand,

grab on to your left wrist.

Inhale, lift the chest away from the tailbone.

Let's press the arms straight.

Open up your chest towards the sky.

This is not human.

I thought yoga was about reefer and Ravi Shankar.

And now back on your buttocks.

Press the left heel forward

and with both hands, lift the foot over your head.

Hi, Pete, I hate to disturb you,

but I have a couple of openings

for past-life regression therapy,

if anyone's interested.

I think at this point I would volunteer for lab testing.

Pick me up.

Now, it's not unusual for a person

to question the reality of past lives,

so let's begin by shaking off our uncertainty and doubts.

Just shake off that cosmic debris.

Very nice.

Thank you.

Yama is going to be infusing me with his breath

so that I can better assist you.

We're going to...

go inside--

We're going to go inside

so that we can find out

why you come back into this lifetime

with these obstacles.

You, with the eye bags,

and you, so unpleasantly fat.

So let's begin by breathing in the air

through our eyeballs,

and bringing it down

into our diaphragms.

Just follow Yama and I and inhale.

Exhale, I didn't hear a fah.

Inhale.

[all] Faaaaaah!

Very nice. Now just continue that gentle breathing,

in silence, and close your eyes--

Faaaah! Faaaah!

...and know that what we call life

we have experienced many times in the past.

Imagine yourselves in nature.

There's a bridge up ahead.

On the other side lies a lifetime

you have not visited in many years.

Go ahead.

Cross the bridge.

There she is.

Xena, the warrior princess.

Get her.

Ha ha.

I guess your mother never told you not to hit girls.

Xantippi!

I should have known these men were with you.

Forget them, Xena.

I have come to give you a real challenge.

Fine.

But no weapons.

You have won, Xena.

Slay me now and end my suffering!

Oh, I have something even more terrible in mind for you.

Haison! Kim!

Scrub her.

Aah! Aah!

Slowly bring your awareness back into the room.

Ahhh!

Oh, man, that was so awesome.

I was kicking ass, and my neck looked great!

Jackie, who were you?

I was a leper.

Parts kept falling off of me.

Ladies, congratulations.

Give yourselves a big hand

for all the hard work

that you've accomplished thus far.

Now that you've achieved these beautiful bodies,

it's a shame to cover them up.

But it is the law,

so it is with great pleasure

that I introduce to you

world-renowned fashion designer Todd Oldham.

Thank you, Carol.

I believe every good designer

filters his ideas through the era that we live in,

and we're living in an era of self-expression,

where colors, patterns, and textures

all mingle perfectly together.

Were what's fashionable is what makes you feel good.

So today I want to show you a few pieces

from my Fall 1996 collection.

Ah, so do you make anything over a size 3?

Yes, we do.

Oh, great, good.

Uh, Todd, maybe you could give Roseanne some help.

Okay.

It's a pleasure.

Nice to meet you.

Well, I think to cantilever the top section,

a really strong foundation garment is in order,

and the mid-section,

let's keep it dark and go with long cuts

to sort of de-emphasize this area

and bring your attention...elsewhere.

And then, to avoid that cloven hoof problem,

I think a closed-toe shoe would be in order.

So don't wear anything reflective.

Keep it simple, nothing shiny.

No furs. It'll add too much bulk.

No belts, just go with what you want to do,

what you feel good about.

You have such pretty skin, such a pretty face.

Aw, thank you.

Oh, sure.

Oh, my goodness.

Now, girls, is there anything special

that you'd like in your make-up today?

No. You're the artist.

Yeah, just go with your instinct.

Good.

Because from my experience,

I have found out that natural is best.

Let your face tell its own story.

Would that be okay?

All right. All right.

Wow!

Oh, my God.

[clink]

We're going to go inside

so that we can find out

why you've come back into this lifetime

with these obstacles.

You with the eye bags,

and you so unpleasantly fat.

So let's begin by breathing in the air

through our eyeballs,

and bringing it down into our diaphragms.

Just follow Yama and I

and inhale.

Faaaaaah!

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA