Original subtitles

I helped pick the numbers.

Again.

[rewinding]

I helped pick the numbers.

Again.

[rewinding]

I helped pick the numbers.

The more I watch, the more beautiful she becomes.

I must meet her.

Her name is Jackie Harris.

She's divorced, part-owner of a diner,

lives in a small town called Lanford,

and in high school she was spirit captain,

whatever that is.

Lovely.

We're going to Lanford.

Where is Lanford?

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Okay, Grandma. Say hi to Dad.

Yeah, I love you, too.

I miss you, too.

Yeah, I really love you, too.

This is D.J.

D.J. Conner.

Bye.

Oh, God!

That's it!

That's it!

Dating: hell. Hell: dating.

It's the same! It's not different.

I thought that I had been to the dark side of dating, Roseanne,

but I was wrong.

He whined to me all night long

about how his ex-wife was trying to soak

every last dime from him,

and then he waited for me to pick up the check.

So that makes me Jackie the loser magnet.

Well, now at least you're going after guys

that are ambitious enough to date you for your money.

You don't even know, Roseanne.

You've never had to date.

Oh, please.

Dating's just like hunting.

You get lucky, you go home earlier.

I don't need a man.

I am financially secure.

I am emotionally...

stable.

I have my Andy, I have my family.

What about sex?

I am so through with that.

I am giving up on the whole mess.

I'm getting rid of my short skirts

and my heels and my makeup and my tweezers,

and, uh...

I'm free. I'm a free woman.

I feel great!

I'm going to go upstairs and get my son

and we're going to go home and start our new life.

You want to stay over?

Yeah. Yeah.

Some things don't change

no matter how much money you've got.

Like, I don't consider doing the ketchups work, you see?

It's more like a challenge.

No, it's work, Jackie.

And I'm no longer up to that challenge.

Um, can you help me?

I mean--

I mean, can I--

Can I-- Can you help--

I'm sorry.

Is there something that I could get for you?

Um...

Lunch.

Yes, lunch.

We have no real specials,

but without getting too personal,

could I recommend the double loose meat combo?

It comes with a drink, so that's your best buy.

I don't know what that is,

but I'll try it if you say so, Jackie.

How did you know my name?

I saw you on television and I had to meet you.

Oh, really?

I'm Carlos Charmane.

I'm from Moldavia.

Oh, Moldavia.

Oh, I've heard of Moldavia.

I watch the-- that Carmen Sandiego show.

It's one of my favorite shows as well.

Oh, really?

Well, what do you do there in Moldavia, Carlos?

Actually, I'm a prince.

A prince.

The prince of Moldavia.

The prince of Moldavia.

Okay.

I have a duke and duchess waiting on their fries.

And so I will be right back.

Okay?

Loser. Loser! Loser!

See, this guy is looking really good,

and then he goes and tells me he's a prince.

Can you believe that?

Well, give him a chance, Jackie.

I mean, if he was a big loser,

he would have told you he was the king.

Roseanne where'd you put the--

Oh, my God.

Prince Carlos.

The only straight man in the world

that can get away with wearing purple.

What?

Wait a minute!

You're telling me that guy is for real?

Hello! No, that's-- It's not...

It's not possible.

Look, trust me to point out royalty,

and I will trust you to point out rodeo stars.

He can't be a prince.

He has no scepter, no entourage...

except for that double-wide limousine out there

with the little flags on the antennas.

Oh, my God!

My God, he's a prince!

And he came here to see me.

Oh, no. What if you're supposed to be a virgin?

Oh, my God. I forgot to give him some water.

Your water.

No, no.

Please, this always happens.

There's no easy way to tell someone you're a prince.

Ahem. Cough, cough, cough.

This is my sister.

Roseanne Conner of the Lanford Conners.

My pleasure.

And may I say that television does neither of you justice.

Oh, that's so sweet,

even if you are just blowing smoke.

That's Leon Carp.

Mr. Carp. Hi.

My husband is not going to believe this.

Jackie, at the risk of seeming forward,

I would like to ask for the pleasure of your company at dinner.

Oh, no, that's not forward at all.

That is-- That's right.

Hell, what she said.

I thought perhaps we would go to one of my favorite eating places.

Oh, my God.

You have a favorite eating place in Lanford?

We don't.

No, I was thinking of Manhattan.

Oh, Manhattan!

The New York Manhattan?

We'll take my plane if that's all right with you.

Oh, well, I don't know, Carlos.

Well, what she means is that she doesn't know you.

So in the tradition of royalty and the dating game,

I should chaperone.

Well, of course, you're welcome to join us.

I insist.

And bring the rest of your family as well.

Whatever makes Jackie happy.

Oh, I think that makes her happy.

Oh, I'm happy.

And I'll get Darlene and David

to watch little Andy and Jerry

and that will make me happy.

Well, you guys have fun.

I'll be home sitting in the tub,

listening to Mahler and brooding.

Hey, can our cousin Leon come, too?

Of course. The more, the merrier.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, boy!

I'll make the arrangements.

Until tomorrow.

[glasses clinking]

This is like right out of a fairy tale.

Even the commode is exquisite.

It has one of those delightful,

old world spritzing devices.

The only thing we're missing is

people riding in coach to feel superior to.

You know this pillow is goose-down filled?

I just want to bite it.

So, what do you guys want to do first

when we get to New York?

Well, I don't know about the rest of you,

but me and Leon are going down to The Village

to get something pierced.

Yeah, then we'll all head over to Saturday Night Live

and see if they've figured out when to end their skits yet.

I want to go to the Cotton Club,

sing a hot jazz tune with the boys in the band,

be part of the Harlem Renaissance.

We'll drop you off.

[gasps]

Oh my God.

Oh my God, Carlos. My God--

Oh, I'm--

I will definitely get this dry cleaned.

Oh, it is gorgeous, thank you so much.

Well, New York gets rather chilly this time of year.

And it matches perfectly with what I have on.

I bought several of them.

I picked that one out when I saw what you were wearing.

They're all for you.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Carlos, I know that you only saw me on television for eight seconds,

and I have been told that I do make a very strong first impression,

especially in a dress,

but what exactly was it?

You seemed so real.

Your look, your smile.

The way your hair touches your eyelash.

And your voice, when I heard your voice,

I had to find you.

I helped pick the numbers.

You do a good me.

Scoot it on over there, prince.

Wow, this is incredible.

So, give me the dirt on your family.

What is it, adultery, alcoholism, bleeders?

Roseanne.

Isn't she fun?

Well, actually, if you wouldn't find it too boring,

I have some home movies.

Oh, great.

Here's some of the royal family.

That's the queen mother.

Oh, sweet.

Well, now, is she the queen,

or the mother of the queen?

We've been trying to figure that out for centuries.

We just sort of let them both sit there.

Here's the coronation of my father, King Carlos the ninth.

He was a great king.

He died a few years ago.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Was he beheaded?

Well, now, if the king died,

why aren't you the king?

In my country, the queen rules after the king's death.

Viva, Moldavia!

Here is my aunt, Princess Marguerite.

She has a great personality,

makes all of her own clothes,

and just loves horses.

Well, she's not exactly postage stamp material, now is she?

Look at the parade.

So, is this some big national holiday?

No, that's when I got an A on my report card.

Oh, here's the wedding of my brother to Princess Burgeson.

We call her Burgy.

It was a beautiful affair.

We had Sir George Shulty conducting the national orchestra.

Dan and I had the Belinda Zelinsky Five.

[Captain] We are approaching the airport.

Everyone please return to your seats

and fasten your seat belts.

Look, Jackie,

New York City is lit up just for you.

You know what?

I'm so happy, I almost believe that.

I say we buzz the Statue of Liberty!

God, this is so beautiful.

I just can't believe it.

How much did this cost?

Don't answer her.

I don't mind.

Seven norums.

You guys, the Empire State Building.

Whoa, I read that if you drop a marshmallow off the top,

it could kill somebody.

Man, what a brutal way to go.

Excuse me, sweetheart?

I'm with the prince, I'd like a gin and tonic.

They're playing our song.

Oh, we have a song.

Shall we dance?

Thank you.

Thank heaven, I've been dying to tell you

what I heard in the powder room.

Well, I hope it wasn't, "Hey, lady,

"you're in the men's room" again.

No, I heard that a certain prince

has a questionable reputation.

He's been linked with everyone

from Princess Stephanie to Markie Post.

Well, so what?

Jackie's been linked with everyone

from the meter man to that photographer just passing through town,

what's the difference?

Roseanne?

I know I'm about to violate

the entire foundation of our six-year relationship, but--

Dance with me?

Oh, Leon, I hoped you'd never ask.

Come on, Roseanne, if you have a good time,

you can blame it on the champagne.

Fine, I'll do it.

Just keep moving your feet

and don't look at me.

Prince is just a regular guy,

kind of needy,

he leans on me a lot.

Oh, D.J.,

how about dancing with your poor, lonesome, old grandma?

Nice timing, grandma.

Now listen, if an interested gentleman should cut in,

you just cha cha cha away, all right?

You know, one fun thing about being a prince?

If I start to dance faster,

the band will keep up with me.

Oh, really?

Watch.

♪♪ [tango]

Now's my chance.

Oh, Roseanne, I don't know what it is,

I can't explain the feeling,

but, I think I'm in love.

[gasps]

Kill me.

New York,

just like I pictured it.

Skyscrapers and everything.

Hey!

Who do you like in that fight

between the cabbie and the screaming transvestite?

Man, Central Park is awesome.

You know, now that we have the money,

we should build a house here.

Oh yeah, what the New York City skyline really needs

is an aluminum-sided tract home with a satellite dish.

Don't wave back,

this town is full of grifters and confidence men.

[whistling]

Well, if that wasn't just about the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Your carriage, my lady.

Thank you, my sir.

Shotgun!

Wait, I got shotgun.

I want to sit in the middle like Audrey Hepburn

in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

You know, oddly enough,

this smells better than a regular cab.

D.J., get in the back!

I want to sit in the front so I can do tricks with the whip.

Roseanne, may I have a word with you?

Yes, of course, Carlos,

but, I mean, it was only an ashtray

and there was a million of them laying around.

Roseanne, I think you know the great affection

I have for you and your entire family.

Oh, well, we think you are one hell of a prince.

It's just that,

I wanted to ride alone with Jackie.

She really likes you.

And I really like her.

Well, how are we supposed to know for sure

that this isn't just another one of your royal flings?

Roseanne, if all I wanted was to have a fling with your sister,

do you think I would have invited your entire family?

[bell clanging]

[Bev] ♪ Clang clang clang went the trolley ♪

♪ Ring ring ring with the bell ♪

Well, you do have a point there, Carlos.

But I'll tell you what,

I don't care if you're a prince or whatever you are,

as long as you are decent to my sister.

because she's the only one I've got,

and she's been through enough.

You have my word.

My royal word.

Everybody out of the cab.

This one's for Jackie and Carlos.

[all muttering]

That's not fair.

Come on, Mother.

Shall we?

Let's shall.

You know, Carlos,

these kind of perfect days don't usually happen to me,

or any kind of perfect day as a matter of fact.

Jackie, words can't express the affect you've had on me.

I feel as though I've known you my entire life.

God, I love this town!

[applause] Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, it's great to be back home in the Cotton Club.

This next number is for all of you who have lived the blues,

like I have.

Johnny, give me a D-minor and lay it down slow.

[piano playing]

MALE SPEAKER: Sing it, mama! Sing it to me!

Whew, damn!

♪ I don't know why but I'm feeling so sad ♪

[applause] ♪ I long to try something ♪

♪ I never had, never had no kissing ♪

♪ Oh, what I've been missing ♪

♪ Lover man oh where can you be ♪

Yes! [cheering]

♪ I heard it said that the thrill of romance ♪

♪ can be like a heavenly dream ♪

♪ I go to bed with a prayer that you'll make love to me ♪

♪ Strange as it seems ♪

[music playing]

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA