Original subtitles

Ahh!

Another near-beer, Dan? Thank you, barkeep.

And put a big head on it so I can pretend to enjoy it.

So, did you buy anything with all that cash you won?

Not really.

Truth is, I'm still trying to figure the whole thing out.

You know, a month ago, I'm laying in a hospital bed,

not knowing whether I'm going to live or die,

and now here I am in good health,

a big-time lottery winner.

What do you think it is?

Is it God or fate or...chance?

What was the first one again?

Club soda, in a glass, no lipstick.

Hi, Dan. Leon.

Hey, Leon, you're a guy that thinks sometimes.

You think there's a reason that we're all here?

Well, I'm here because I ran out of gas.

And when the tow truck gets here, I'll have my reason to leave.

No, seriously, I'm talking big-picture stuff here.

Eh, forget it. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just not used to sharing my feelings

in a place where the restrooms

are labeled "pointers" and "setters."

Hmm, my opinion.

Yes, I think there's a reason we're all here.

Really? Yeah, that's right.

Cynical old Leon still thinks

that people here all serve a purpose

on this big, spinning ball of dirt.

Hey, I have to believe that.

Otherwise, it's just too hard to get up in the morning

and face the horrors of the hetero world.

Well, I guess that makes some kind of...weird sense.

The hard part is figuring out what we're put here to do.

Oh, well, I think you've done your part, Dan.

You married Roseanne...

and saved some other poor soul

hell on Earth.

Well, thanks, I guess. Yeah.

Coming to the poker game later? Oh, you betcha.

[honk honk] Well, there's my auto club guy.

In a tank top.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Okay, I've got it narrowed down to

The Golden Chamber

or the Elysian Fields Health Spa.

So you make the final decision.

No, I'm not going to pick because then you'll be mad

that I didn't pick the one that I didn't pick. You pick.

No, I'm not going to pick. I'm not a picker.

You know this wishy-washy thing that you've got going?

It's not working for you anymore.

You know what, you're right.

You are absolutely right.

That's done. That is--

I-- I'm-- We're--

We're going to that one.

End of story.

See, now I think that this decisive thing really works well on you

and you should've done it a long time ago.

Roseanne, you wouldn't let me.

Well, all that is about to change, Jackie,

because I no longer have the time or the energy

to be living everybody else's life for them.

There is a me underneath me, and she has been smothered

by grease, grit, and crap for way too long.

Now, this whole spa experience

is going to unlock my divine female essence.

But unlocking essences, they charge extra for that.

I am going to get my pores shrunk down to nothing, Jackie.

I'm going to get pounded and beaten to a pulp

by some hideous old Korean masseuse.

I'm going to get my chakras open, my kundalini awakened,

I'm going to do japa on my mala,

then I'm going to find my channels, meridians, and my G spots,

and after that, look here,

I'm getting one of them colonic irrigations

because you can lose about 60 pounds per time.

Well, I am going to get waxed and wrapped

and buffed and filed

and soaked and steamed and purged and peeled

till there is not one original cell left in my body,

and then I am going to go out and find a guy

with pecks to knock on.

And I'm going to start knocking!

We're definitely not sharing a room.

Hey, Dan, we finally picked the spa.

Now, are you going to be okay at this place

where you have to get naked and covered in mud

with about 400 other people?

Yeah, sounds okay to me.

Are you okay?

Yeah, sure.

Have you guys ever wondered why we all exist?

Well, I think because we're here to, uh,

evolve into the people

that were destined to turn into.

Yeah, that's what the guy at the gas station said.

I'm just driving myself crazy.

I guess I'll go tinker in the garage.

Going out to tinker again, huh?

What's that mean?

Another macaroni ashtray.

Hey, Deej. It's me.

What did I do?

I was just in the neighborhood. I thought I'd drop in.

Mm-hmm.

Why?

Nothing. Just to hang.

Come on in.

Wow.

So Spielberg's your man, huh? Yeah.

I'm gonna work for him someday.

Learn everything I can from him.

Then become this huge movie director, and crush him.

You are your mother's son.

Where'd you get these?

Uh...friends.

I just sort of found the rest.

You found 'em?

Yeah! You know how you're...

walking through the city,

and you're not really looking for anything,

and all of a sudden you look down, and there's a sign?

Yeah, I used to find mine

on the tops of poles at the end of the street.

What, you did this stuff, too?

Oh, yeah. It was what you call your regular "wild youth".

I remember one time, me and some buddies of mine

broke into a junkyard.

We got chased by this big Doberman.

Oh, man. Did you get bit?

Nah, Deej.

See, the trick is...

you don't have to be faster than the dog.

You just gotta be faster than one of your friends.

So did you get in big trouble with your parents?

Nah. I could always get away with stuff.

My dad wasn't around much,

and my mom...well...

Yeah, I know about Grandma. Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess I should go.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Just moving a little slow.

[deep sigh]

Well, you look kind of...

out-of-it.

Nah. I'm just thinking.

Thinking and out-of-it look a lot alike.

You know, I'm not a kid any more, Dad.

We can talk about stuff.

That's right. You're not a kid any more, are ya?

You're dating. Next year, you're gonna be driving.

Why, you're almost a man.

I'm not shaving yet.

Ah, it's a hassle, anyway.

You know, you're getting to the age, Deej,

where a lot of kids...

stop getting along with their parents.

I hope that doesn't happen to us.

Yeah. Hope you don't get all weird on me,

like some kids' parents. Hmm.

How am I doing so far?

Mm...I'd say you have like a 3.7 average.

Hell, that's way better than I did in high school.

Deej.

I enjoyed this.

Sure. Stop by anytime.

Yeah. Your mom won't let me put up cool stuff in my room.

All right. I'll see that. All rightee.

Read 'em and weep, gentlemen. Full house.

Oh, man. I was this close!

Yeah! If you'd have picked up three more queens,

you might have won that hand!

So, David.

Darlene let you out to play tonight, huh?

Uh...uh, actually,

she sort of insisted on it.

Since she's been pregnant,

she says I've been kind of hovering over her.

You know, David, it's kind of a poker tradition

that the guys complain about their wives.

Well, I'd rather not.

[mass grumbling]

Me-ow!

All right.

No. All right. Fine.

Sometimes...

sometimes, Darlene...

won't let me do all the things

I wanna do for her, and-- and it just--

it makes me... so mad!

Damn mad!

This, boys, is the pathetic result

of the women's liberation movement.

Well, Dan. It's good to see you've pulled out of that funk.

You know, after we talked at the Lobo,

I was actually a little worried about you.

Ah, I was just a little off this morning.

I got up on Rosie's side of the bed.

You were in a funk, Mr. Conner?

Oh, yeah. He was asking me for the reason we're all here.

Where?

You were getting philosophical?

That doesn't sound like you, Dan.

Yeah, well-- Hey, you know what I do when I'm in a funk?

I lay on top of the trailer,

and count the stars.

There's like a hundred of 'em.

David, you always look like you're in a funk.

No, I don't.

Really?

Are we here to play cards, or what?

All right. Five card draw.

Trips to win. Suicide kings wild.

Sounds good. All right.

Hey, after the game tonight, any of you guys wanna go shoot some pool?

Nah. The wife's gonna wait up for me.

I don't know what's gotten into her since she's hit 40,

but I ain't complaining. Whoa!

Oh, I know what you mean.

When Scott turned the big 4-0...

I tell ya.

It was like somebody set off a bomb

at the testosterone factory.

[whistling] I lost count. How many...

How many cards you got?

Think we all have about 11.

Somebody else deal. I gotta go see about something.

Hey, you won all the money!

You just can't walk away, Dan.

Gonna let Mark play my hand.

Ooh! Take your time.

Deal me out, guys.

David.

What are you doing?

Shuffling.

Hey, what's going on, man?

Oh.

Ah, nothing. I just come out to get some fresh air.

Yeah.

Umm...

Hey, Dan. You know, uh...

hadn't thanked you enough, you know,

for the money and all.

Oh, man. That's okay. I mean, you know...

every room need painting, anyway.

You do a bad job, I know where you live.

What's on your mind, Dan?

I don't know. It's--

Lately, I've been having all these questions about...

life, and...

stuff I've done, and...

ah, man, you're gonna think I'm nuts.

Not any more than I did before!

I think you need to lighten up, Dan.

I mean, you're--

you're a good guy.

And all the time, not since you came into all this money!

So you got nothing to worry about.

Yeah. Look, I'm...

just gonna hang out here for a while, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Come to mama, girls.

[poker chips rattle]

Damn it! I had an ace that time!

Where's Dan?

Um... Hey, Rosie. Dan's on the front porch.

Okay, gentlemen. What's your pleasure?

Seven Stud? Hold 'Em? Five card draw?

How about five card stud,

but each player gets as many cards as he wants?

All rightee. I'll take 52.

The aliens aren't gonna take you

if you act too eager.

I just had to take a break, to clear my head.

Really?

I would've thought that sitting there

with them, for an hour,

would've sucked everything right out of it.

I'm gonna take a walk for a while, okay?

Why do we have to have wheat grass now?

Because it's a thing to do,

and we are now the people who do the things to do,

whether we want to do them or not.

But why can't we just wait till we go to the spa?

No! I'm not gonna chance some allergic reaction,

and blow up to four times my normal size

in front of those people!

Just drink it! All right!

But you don't get any lime, or salt, or anything?

Listen. In Vanity Fair, they said

that this is the stuff that that Demi Moore drank

to get her figure back after she had all them kids.

Really. [clinking glasses]

God! Oh, Lord!

God! Oh, my God!

Ow.

Oh...

God...

Tastes just like grass.

Are my teeth green?

No, they're still yellow.

Oh, I have got to get some new clothes for this spa.

Everything I have stinks like Lanford.

Well, that's why we went and bought all these $10 magazines, Jackie,

to get you looking hip.

I am tired of being the happening one

in this relationship.

Oh my God, look. Look at this, here.

Feng shui. What?

Feng shui. Uh...

The ancient Chinese art

of arranging your furniture and other objects

so that you can better live in harmony

in your environment.

Can't be done.

Well, it says here that Barbara Streisand

would not even set foot in her house

until it had been totally feng shui-ed.

That sounds like Barbara.

God, I love her.

I heard she had her chin done,

and just left the nose.

That's class.

Next year's fashion news, Roseanne.

Heroin chic is out.

Waitress meets Schoolmarm is in.

Well, I guess next year's your year, Jackie.

Okay. Movin' on.

You know that Dalai Lama dude.

He goes out on tour more than the Rolling Stones.

Now does he...

live with Richard Gere?

No, he's a holy man.

He lives in the mountains somewhere.

But I think they just have the same publicist.

Evening. I'm gonna go out and run a few errands.

I'll be back in a bit.

Dan! It's Monday Night Football!

You haven't left this house on a Monday night

in damn near 18 years.

Well, it'll be in the paper tomorrow.

He's getting worse!

[door closes] I know that, Jackie.

I'm just trying to enjoy what's left of my denial.

Wow.

What?

I had a wheat grass rush.

Set 'em up again!

What are you doing, Dan? We hired Chuck to paint this room.

No, no. I just thought I'd prep it for him.

I know where all the holes are and everything.

Yeah? So...all right.

What's really going on, Dan?

I'm spackling.

Well, it's 11:00 at night,

and you've just spackled over an outlet.

So do you want to tell me what's going on?

What.

I've been really patient with you, for the past three days,

but I wanna know what's wrong.

[sighs]

You know, Rosie, I'm a good father.

And...a decent husband.

But I am a lousy son.

Lousy son? Where's this all coming from?

Well, you know, my life's getting better.

But my mom's in a psychiatric hospital,

and nothing changes for her.

Last time I went to see her, she didn't even know who I was.

So I stayed for all of 30 minutes.

Well, you...can't go being hard on yourself.

Dan, you've done every single thing that you could do.

Yeah, well, she deserves better.

She was a great mom.

I mean, when-- when I was a kid,

I didn't think she was weird at all.

She was funny and wild,

you know, in a good way.

No, she was totally awesome.

Remember that one time,

where we were just gonna go out for ice cream?

And then she just happened to show up, with ice cream,

and it was the exact same flavors

that we were gonna go out and get?

It was like she was psychic or something. I remember.

Yeah. Well, maybe she's not in such bad shape, after all. You know?

'Cause, I mean, when you're poor and you act different,

everybody automatically assumes that you're crazy.

But when you're rich and you act different,

I mean, they just call you eccentric.

I would love to take her to a place

and get a real good diagnosis.

You know, something really thorough.

Find out what's really wrong with her.

So, umm...

I've been looking around, and I heard about this place in California,

in Santa Monica, that she could go to.

So now that I got the dough, I'm gonna take her there.

I'm not gonna go on the spa trip with you.

Well, yeah, definitely.

You've got way more important things to do.

I think that's a great idea.

I'm-- I'm glad you're doing that.

God, look at this mess! Why the hell did I start this?

'Cause it needed to be done sooner or later, Dan.

Just another one of those things we put off

for way, way too long.

Yeah, we should have kept up with it.

It's a shame that we let it get this far.

It wasn't our fault, Dan.

We didn't have the time,

and we didn't have the money.

But we do now.

Yay, what do you say? Before I put the lids on the cans,

you wanna paint crap on the wall?

Yeah. Gimme that roller.

Oh, I'm sorry. And, uh...

this is Mrs. Harris, the woman who raised me.

Hello, America. Hello.

And my sister, Jackie.

I helped pick the numbers.

I helped pick the numbers.

I found her.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA