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1
00:00:05,299 --> 00:00:06,632
Are you okay, David?
2
00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:08,234
You look
a little peaked.
3
00:00:08,302 --> 00:00:10,970
See, David, I told you
you were looking better.
4
00:00:12,506 --> 00:00:14,974
Oh, I'm just feeling
a little queasy is all.
5
00:00:15,043 --> 00:00:17,176
He thinks he's having
pregnancy pains.
6
00:00:17,244 --> 00:00:18,510
Tell him that that's
not possible.
7
00:00:18,579 --> 00:00:19,979
Well, I don't know,
Darlene.
8
00:00:20,048 --> 00:00:24,183
When my water broke,
your father wet his pants.
9
00:00:24,252 --> 00:00:25,651
Ah, hey, honey,
10
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,120
that three-fingered guy down
at the hardware store,
11
00:00:27,188 --> 00:00:28,620
he asked me
for my autograph.
12
00:00:28,689 --> 00:00:29,821
Which three-fingered guy?
13
00:00:29,891 --> 00:00:32,724
None of them down
there have a full set.
14
00:00:32,793 --> 00:00:35,527
Man, ever since
the lottery thing--
15
00:00:35,595 --> 00:00:37,696
See, everybody wants to get
a little piece of us.
16
00:00:37,764 --> 00:00:39,065
It's okay with me.
17
00:00:39,134 --> 00:00:40,167
Finally, I'm
starting to hear
18
00:00:40,235 --> 00:00:42,601
a little sweet talk
from the ladies.
19
00:00:42,669 --> 00:00:47,073
Yeah, you know,
Grandma's been a lot nicer
to me, too, lately.
20
00:00:47,142 --> 00:00:49,474
I mean them girls
at school, Darlene.
21
00:00:49,543 --> 00:00:51,944
All right, get this.
Okay, I was sitting there
22
00:00:52,013 --> 00:00:53,846
and there was an empty seat
next to me in the cafeteria.
23
00:00:53,914 --> 00:00:56,182
Like there always is.
24
00:00:56,251 --> 00:00:58,417
But then Karen Bailey
goes to sit down,
25
00:00:58,486 --> 00:01:00,719
and Suzie Johnson throws
an elbow and takes a seat.
26
00:01:00,788 --> 00:01:04,756
Two girls fighting?
That is so sad.
27
00:01:04,825 --> 00:01:07,893
It's not sad, stupid.
It's erotic.
28
00:01:13,068 --> 00:01:14,167
Oh, I gotta tell you,
29
00:01:14,236 --> 00:01:15,901
the freakiest thing
happened to me, too.
30
00:01:15,969 --> 00:01:17,270
I'm down
at the dry cleaners,
31
00:01:17,339 --> 00:01:19,305
and the guy down there
that owns the place,
32
00:01:19,374 --> 00:01:22,242
he asked me to say a blessing
over his lottery ticket.
33
00:01:22,311 --> 00:01:24,376
What didst thou
say unto him?
34
00:01:25,546 --> 00:01:27,446
Well, I gave him
the Girl Scout pledge
35
00:01:27,515 --> 00:01:28,914
and a couple of Hail Marys
36
00:01:28,983 --> 00:01:31,550
and then I waved
my hand around it
just for the show.
37
00:01:31,618 --> 00:01:34,486
You know what
I just realized?
38
00:01:34,555 --> 00:01:37,156
Next to that duck
walking around with
the arrow in its neck,
39
00:01:37,224 --> 00:01:40,425
we're the most famous
thing in Lanford.
40
00:01:43,063 --> 00:01:47,633
♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪
41
00:01:47,701 --> 00:01:49,801
♪ We're gonna last longer ♪
42
00:01:49,870 --> 00:01:52,504
♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪
43
00:01:52,573 --> 00:01:55,807
♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪
44
00:01:55,876 --> 00:01:59,911
♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪
45
00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:02,080
♪ While waiting for my turn ♪
46
00:02:02,149 --> 00:02:05,150
♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪
47
00:02:05,219 --> 00:02:08,253
♪ But you also get some sun ♪
48
00:02:08,322 --> 00:02:11,623
♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪
49
00:02:11,692 --> 00:02:15,193
♪ Hear what I say ♪
50
00:02:15,262 --> 00:02:19,731
♪ Yeah, any day ♪
51
00:02:35,583 --> 00:02:37,516
So the duck's the most
famous thing in Lanford.
52
00:02:37,585 --> 00:02:39,118
We're number two, right?
Absolutely.
53
00:02:39,186 --> 00:02:41,287
Duck. Us.
54
00:02:42,656 --> 00:02:44,156
What was number two
before us?
55
00:02:44,225 --> 00:02:46,058
That's a tough call.
56
00:02:46,127 --> 00:02:48,393
Probably that guy
that dropped his pants
down at the bank
57
00:02:48,462 --> 00:02:50,562
for Funniest Home Videos.
58
00:02:51,765 --> 00:02:53,432
God, that made me
so damn mad.
59
00:02:53,501 --> 00:02:55,100
You could tell that
was totally fixed.
60
00:02:55,169 --> 00:02:59,506
He was probably going around
with his pants unbuttoned
the whole damn time.
61
00:02:59,574 --> 00:03:03,375
Makes you not want
to keep your money there,
I'll tell you that.
62
00:03:03,445 --> 00:03:05,110
That's for damn sure.
63
00:03:05,179 --> 00:03:06,511
Hey, I forgot to tell ya.
64
00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:09,581
Becky called from
the carnival with the boys.
65
00:03:09,649 --> 00:03:11,616
She says they're
having a great time.
66
00:03:11,685 --> 00:03:14,953
And our little Jerry won
the pie-eating contest.
67
00:03:15,022 --> 00:03:16,989
Prodigy.
68
00:03:18,593 --> 00:03:20,926
Oh, has anyone seen
Leon lately?
69
00:03:20,995 --> 00:03:22,094
Ever since we won
the lottery,
70
00:03:22,162 --> 00:03:24,263
he looks like hell!
71
00:03:24,331 --> 00:03:26,097
I know. I saw him
the other day.
72
00:03:26,166 --> 00:03:29,300
He looked liked such a slob,
I thought he was straight,
73
00:03:29,369 --> 00:03:31,569
When's he gonna get over it?
74
00:03:31,638 --> 00:03:35,140
Never. Not as long
as I'm alive.
75
00:03:35,209 --> 00:03:38,343
I've got to tell you
who I ran into.
John McCord.
76
00:03:38,411 --> 00:03:40,546
John McCord. Remember?
Varsity track?
77
00:03:40,615 --> 00:03:42,814
He's the guy that
dressed like the guy
in Mod Squad.
78
00:03:42,883 --> 00:03:44,349
Which guy in Mod Squad?
79
00:03:44,417 --> 00:03:47,852
Link or the white guy you
can never remember his name?
80
00:03:47,921 --> 00:03:49,655
Come on, Roseanne.
You know John McCord.
81
00:03:49,723 --> 00:03:51,256
First shag haircut
in Lanford.
82
00:03:51,325 --> 00:03:53,591
Yeah, that's the guy.
Anyway, he corners me
in the fruit section
83
00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:54,793
and he asks me out.
84
00:03:54,861 --> 00:03:57,729
As if the lottery had
nothing to do with that.
85
00:03:57,798 --> 00:04:00,933
But you're going, right?
Hell, yes,
I'm going.
86
00:04:02,737 --> 00:04:06,639
Hey. Guess what
happened to me.
87
00:04:06,708 --> 00:04:09,441
I got a call from
the mayor of Lanford.
88
00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:13,177
Was he trying to sell
you some more Amway?
89
00:04:13,246 --> 00:04:17,448
No, actually, this time
he called as the mayor
of Lanford.
90
00:04:18,952 --> 00:04:21,019
He wants me to ride in
the Thanksgiving Day Parade,
91
00:04:21,087 --> 00:04:24,055
Wow.
That is an honor.
92
00:04:24,125 --> 00:04:26,125
Yeah, it's me
and some old guy
93
00:04:26,193 --> 00:04:31,896
that was, like, the last
soldier that ever fought
in World War I or something.
94
00:04:31,965 --> 00:04:34,166
Hey, I hope people in this
town don't mistake me
95
00:04:34,235 --> 00:04:36,601
for Anna Nicole Smith
and her old husband.
96
00:04:41,708 --> 00:04:43,542
Yeah, we really are
becoming celebrities.
97
00:04:43,610 --> 00:04:45,276
Yeah.
98
00:04:45,345 --> 00:04:48,313
It's just kinda not what
I thought it was gonna be,
you know?
99
00:04:48,381 --> 00:04:50,348
I kinda thought
it was gonna be...
100
00:04:50,417 --> 00:04:52,985
more exciting or something,
I don't know.
101
00:04:53,053 --> 00:04:57,823
How come that Ted Koppel
ain't called us yet?
102
00:04:57,892 --> 00:04:59,892
Nah, he's lost his edge.
103
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,829
Ha ha! Well, he's no
Jerry Springer,
that's for damn sure.
104
00:05:03,897 --> 00:05:05,796
♪♪ [harp]
105
00:05:05,866 --> 00:05:08,967
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
106
00:05:09,035 --> 00:05:10,502
Thank you very much.
Aren't you nice?
107
00:05:10,570 --> 00:05:12,271
Hey, thank you.
Thank you so much.
108
00:05:12,339 --> 00:05:13,637
Thank you.
Thank you.
109
00:05:13,706 --> 00:05:15,407
Hey, let's talk about
the American dream.
110
00:05:15,476 --> 00:05:16,774
A good job,
a good home.
111
00:05:16,842 --> 00:05:18,210
Hey, how about
winning the lottery?
112
00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:20,912
Well, my guests tonight
did exactly that.
113
00:05:20,981 --> 00:05:23,282
They're just ordinary folks
from Lanford, Illinois.
114
00:05:23,350 --> 00:05:26,517
Please welcome
Roseanne and Dan Conner.
115
00:05:35,228 --> 00:05:38,964
Wow. $108 million.
116
00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:41,665
How did you feel
when you got the news?
117
00:05:41,735 --> 00:05:43,102
Well, you gotta
understand, Jerry,
118
00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:45,003
I'm recovering from
a major heart attack--
119
00:05:45,072 --> 00:05:48,107
or a myocardial
infarction as
the doctors call it--
120
00:05:48,175 --> 00:05:49,641
And, uh--
121
00:05:49,710 --> 00:05:51,909
See, I was at my
daughter's wedding
just, uh--
122
00:05:51,979 --> 00:05:53,978
which I guess
contributed
to the stress--
123
00:05:54,048 --> 00:05:55,247
Plus I had me
a couple
124
00:05:55,315 --> 00:05:58,317
bacon, butter,
and mayonnaise
sandwiches for breakfast
125
00:05:58,385 --> 00:06:01,686
which probably
contributed
to the clog.
126
00:06:01,754 --> 00:06:03,454
Yeah, well, also
you forgot to tell--
127
00:06:03,523 --> 00:06:04,955
See, you're not starting
in the right place.
128
00:06:05,025 --> 00:06:06,391
That was, like, before,
129
00:06:06,459 --> 00:06:07,958
and then here we were
a little bit later
130
00:06:08,027 --> 00:06:09,527
after you came home
and everything.
131
00:06:09,596 --> 00:06:12,130
So, uh-- Well, we just
had this big fight--
132
00:06:12,199 --> 00:06:13,631
Yeah, we had
a bit wing-ding.
133
00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:14,899
It was, like,
the worst fight ever.
134
00:06:14,967 --> 00:06:17,169
We thought we were, like,
gonna break up or something.
135
00:06:17,237 --> 00:06:19,437
But then everything
worked out, so that was cool.
136
00:06:19,506 --> 00:06:21,005
I'll tell you what.
Wait a minute.
137
00:06:21,073 --> 00:06:22,573
Let's just slow down
a little bit.
138
00:06:22,642 --> 00:06:23,941
What I wanna know is
how did you--
139
00:06:24,010 --> 00:06:25,610
How did you find out
that you won?
140
00:06:25,678 --> 00:06:28,879
Well, we were sleeping.
Yeah.
141
00:06:28,947 --> 00:06:30,448
Sort of.
142
00:06:37,756 --> 00:06:39,590
Anyway, her sister
comes over--
143
00:06:39,658 --> 00:06:43,161
Yeah. My sister comes in
and she's like,
"Roseanne! Roseanne!"
144
00:06:43,230 --> 00:06:45,397
You know, so I go out there
and everything, and, uh--
145
00:06:45,466 --> 00:06:47,598
It kinda put me
off my feet.
146
00:06:48,734 --> 00:06:49,666
Sorry, hon.
147
00:06:49,735 --> 00:06:51,802
So I go out there
and she's like,
148
00:06:51,871 --> 00:06:53,238
"Hey, you guys
won the lottery."
149
00:06:53,307 --> 00:06:54,671
I'm like, "What?
We won the..."
150
00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:57,275
You know, so we were like--
kinda just screaming
151
00:06:57,344 --> 00:06:58,642
and freaking out
and stuff, you know?
152
00:06:58,711 --> 00:07:01,446
Yeah.
We had a real big
wing-ding then.
153
00:07:01,514 --> 00:07:04,249
The missus jumped up
on my back.
154
00:07:04,317 --> 00:07:07,784
Okay, but wasn't there,
like, some interesting story
about how--
155
00:07:07,853 --> 00:07:09,488
Oh, yeah.
Well, I was getting to that.
156
00:07:09,556 --> 00:07:10,789
I better-- Okay.
157
00:07:10,858 --> 00:07:12,990
Well, so my husband was
in the hospital and everything.
158
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,826
He's there in his room
and everything.
159
00:07:14,894 --> 00:07:16,862
Well, like,
I didn't, um--
160
00:07:16,929 --> 00:07:19,162
I was just trying to keep my
mind off of what was going on
161
00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:21,600
because, you know,
I didn't know if my husband
was getting better--
162
00:07:21,668 --> 00:07:23,066
Because of
the infarction.
163
00:07:23,135 --> 00:07:24,436
Yeah, the infarction.
164
00:07:24,505 --> 00:07:26,838
And I was just getting
really nervous about it.
165
00:07:26,906 --> 00:07:28,507
So, like, I was trying
to just kill time.
166
00:07:28,575 --> 00:07:31,810
Not really kill time,
but just kinda take my mind
off of...
167
00:07:31,879 --> 00:07:33,176
you know, worrying
about my husband.
168
00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:35,647
So, like, I went down
and I bought this
lottery ticket,
169
00:07:35,716 --> 00:07:38,282
and I worked out this whole,
uh, kind of, you know,
170
00:07:38,351 --> 00:07:41,218
system for, like,
how to pick the numbers,
171
00:07:41,287 --> 00:07:42,754
'cause, like,
I picked out--
172
00:07:42,823 --> 00:07:47,492
Okay. I picked 36 for
the number of times I salted
my hospital food.
173
00:07:47,561 --> 00:07:51,262
And then 8 for the number
of parking tickets I got
174
00:07:51,331 --> 00:07:53,931
for, um, parking in
the "ambulance only" zone.
175
00:07:53,999 --> 00:07:56,601
[mumbling]
Wasn't your sister
involved in--
176
00:07:56,669 --> 00:07:58,302
Oh, Yeah! She's the one that,
you know,
177
00:07:58,371 --> 00:07:59,504
fond out first
and told us.
178
00:07:59,572 --> 00:08:01,238
Why don't we bring out
your sister.
179
00:08:01,307 --> 00:08:03,974
Here's Roseanne's sister
Jackie Harris.
180
00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:05,543
[applause]
181
00:08:09,181 --> 00:08:11,516
Jackie, welcome.
Welcome to the show.
182
00:08:11,584 --> 00:08:15,285
What is your part in this
fascinating story?
183
00:08:15,354 --> 00:08:17,655
Um, well, uh--
184
00:08:17,724 --> 00:08:18,956
Like, I picked out
three of the numbers,
185
00:08:19,025 --> 00:08:20,558
and then she picked out
three of the numbers.
186
00:08:20,627 --> 00:08:23,662
And then I was the one
that saw that we won
the lottery on TV.
187
00:08:23,731 --> 00:08:25,731
So I go running over there.
I'm like, "Roseanne, Roseanne."
188
00:08:25,798 --> 00:08:27,765
She's like, "What?'
I'm like, you know,
"We won the lottery."
189
00:08:27,833 --> 00:08:30,702
She's like, "What?
you know? Uh...
190
00:08:30,770 --> 00:08:32,336
We wanted to tell Dan,
but we didn't know how
191
00:08:32,405 --> 00:08:34,238
because, you know, he'd
had the heart attack.
192
00:08:34,307 --> 00:08:35,439
The heart attack.
Yeah.
193
00:08:35,508 --> 00:08:38,108
See, I'm not supposed
to have any stress
194
00:08:38,177 --> 00:08:40,544
or lift up anything
heavy or whatnot
195
00:08:40,613 --> 00:08:43,147
'cause the whole thing could
just pop like that again.
196
00:08:43,216 --> 00:08:44,515
So tell him what you
said about the heart.
197
00:08:44,585 --> 00:08:47,051
Oh. What I told my husband
after we won and everything,
198
00:08:47,119 --> 00:08:49,987
I told my husband,
I said, "Honey, you don't
even have to worry about,
199
00:08:50,056 --> 00:08:52,522
"you know,
your bad ticker anymore,
'cause now we got enough money
200
00:08:52,591 --> 00:08:54,792
to buy you one of those
baboon heart transplants."
201
00:08:54,861 --> 00:08:57,061
Oh, yeah.
A baboon heart
transplant
202
00:08:57,129 --> 00:09:01,098
or a pig valve or
whatever science has
come up with.
203
00:09:02,636 --> 00:09:05,336
How did it feel?
204
00:09:05,405 --> 00:09:08,639
[both talking]
205
00:09:10,410 --> 00:09:11,909
I go rushing over there,
you know,
206
00:09:11,978 --> 00:09:14,211
and I told them, and they're
like, "Whoa!" you know?
207
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,380
And I'm like,
"Whoa!" you know?
208
00:09:16,449 --> 00:09:18,114
And then, uh...
209
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:21,251
Then we...
210
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:22,754
sat around for
a little bit.
211
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:26,924
And then-- Oh, I, see,
was like, "Whoa."
212
00:09:29,128 --> 00:09:30,627
Yeah, Jerry.
See, I felt bad
213
00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:33,664
'cause I had my heart attack
at my daughter's wedding,
214
00:09:33,732 --> 00:09:36,434
and, uh--
Well, you know, she...
215
00:09:36,502 --> 00:09:37,601
had to get married
because of--
216
00:09:37,670 --> 00:09:40,037
Honey, don't say that
on television.
217
00:09:40,105 --> 00:09:43,808
How--How did the lottery
change your life?
218
00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:45,476
How did the lottery
change your life?
219
00:09:45,545 --> 00:09:49,012
I got a date
with John McCord.
220
00:09:50,349 --> 00:09:53,450
Oh, yeah. Then we had
that lady from, uh...
221
00:09:53,519 --> 00:09:55,319
Good Morning America.
Kath--uh...
222
00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:57,688
Kathleen Sullivan came over,
and she interviewed us.
223
00:09:57,756 --> 00:09:58,956
Is she Ed Sullivan's
daughter?
224
00:09:59,025 --> 00:10:00,991
I think she is, yeah.
225
00:10:01,060 --> 00:10:04,060
Why--why don't we bring out
the rest of the Conner
family, okay?
226
00:10:04,129 --> 00:10:05,896
Here's the rest of
the Conner family.
227
00:10:17,410 --> 00:10:19,109
Welcome, everybody,
to the show.
228
00:10:19,177 --> 00:10:23,847
Your mom-- Your mom
has won $108 million.
229
00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:24,915
How do you guys feel?
230
00:10:24,983 --> 00:10:28,185
I am the mother of
the girls, Mr. Springer.
231
00:10:28,254 --> 00:10:29,553
Mrs. Beverly Harris.
232
00:10:29,621 --> 00:10:31,588
How proud you must be.
233
00:10:31,657 --> 00:10:33,890
You know, now that
we have this money,
234
00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:36,727
I don't have to be
a Democrat anymore.
235
00:10:40,399 --> 00:10:42,499
Any questions?
Yes. Go ahead.
236
00:10:42,568 --> 00:10:43,533
Hi.
Ahem.
237
00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:46,337
So how much money
did you win?
238
00:10:50,742 --> 00:10:51,908
Uh...
239
00:10:51,977 --> 00:10:55,812
Well, we only said it
108 million times, you [bleep].
240
00:10:57,982 --> 00:11:00,884
Hey, I think you should
listen to her
241
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,854
and what she says
about those guys.
242
00:11:03,923 --> 00:11:07,890
And he should listen to her
about, uh, the other one.
243
00:11:15,201 --> 00:11:17,900
Yeah. Now that you guys
have all that money,
244
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:19,569
why don't you
give me some?
245
00:11:22,542 --> 00:11:24,808
Sure ain't never
heard that one before!
246
00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:30,748
I wanna say that you people
are living proof
247
00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:35,050
that God takes care
of children and fools!
248
00:11:37,856 --> 00:11:40,490
What did you say?
You heard me!
249
00:11:40,559 --> 00:11:41,958
I said--
250
00:11:42,027 --> 00:11:46,897
Talk to the hand
'cause the face
does not understand.
251
00:11:46,965 --> 00:11:49,333
Give me that!
252
00:11:49,401 --> 00:11:51,535
Sit your big [bleep] down!
253
00:11:51,603 --> 00:11:53,337
Shut your big [bleep] up!
254
00:11:57,643 --> 00:12:00,042
Okay, please.
255
00:12:00,111 --> 00:12:01,946
Yeah, well,
we don't understand
256
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,848
how a jerk like you could
win the lottery anyway!
257
00:12:04,916 --> 00:12:08,217
That's my wife you're
talking to, [bleep]!
258
00:12:08,287 --> 00:12:11,354
[all yelling]
259
00:12:11,423 --> 00:12:14,391
This is about a good a time
as any for a final thought.
260
00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:16,159
You know, what I think
we see here today
261
00:12:16,227 --> 00:12:17,727
is that money obviously--
262
00:12:17,796 --> 00:12:21,064
Jerry! Jerry!
I have a final thought.
263
00:12:21,132 --> 00:12:23,367
Well, if life hands you
a negative,
264
00:12:23,436 --> 00:12:24,901
don't despair,
because one day
265
00:12:24,970 --> 00:12:29,071
it just may develop
into a pretty picture.
266
00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:31,074
[yelling continues]
267
00:12:42,921 --> 00:12:45,922
Oh, the freakiest thing
happened to me today.
268
00:12:45,991 --> 00:12:48,858
David and I got this call
from our friendly morticians
269
00:12:48,927 --> 00:12:50,326
over at Ginetti & Sons.
270
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:52,763
Ooh!
Ginetti & Sons!
271
00:12:52,832 --> 00:12:56,366
They don't bury
just anybody.
272
00:12:56,435 --> 00:12:59,234
Well, they were very
eager to assist us
273
00:12:59,303 --> 00:13:02,304
with our
after-life needs.
274
00:13:02,373 --> 00:13:07,109
I told them I already bought
a shovel and a big bag of lime.
275
00:13:07,178 --> 00:13:08,712
Could you pass me
some beans?
276
00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:10,681
Yes, I could!
277
00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,448
I'm glad to see somebody
likes his vegetables.
278
00:13:12,518 --> 00:13:13,717
I'm not gonna eat 'em.
279
00:13:13,785 --> 00:13:16,352
I'm just gonna suck
the glaze off 'em.
280
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,989
That's right. Mom will just
re-glaze them tomorrow.
281
00:13:22,828 --> 00:13:23,760
Hello? Mom?
282
00:13:26,530 --> 00:13:28,230
Honey? You okay?
283
00:13:28,299 --> 00:13:29,900
You haven't said anything
in the last five minutes.
284
00:13:29,969 --> 00:13:32,936
Yeah. I actually
started to relax.
285
00:13:36,709 --> 00:13:39,408
Sorry, guys. I just
kinda spaced out there.
286
00:13:39,477 --> 00:13:40,744
[Jackie]
Thinking about
the money, huh?
287
00:13:40,812 --> 00:13:42,646
I've been doing
that, too.
288
00:13:42,715 --> 00:13:45,481
It changes the way
you look at the world.
289
00:13:45,550 --> 00:13:46,883
Doesn't it?
Yeah.
290
00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:48,952
And also the way
the world looks at you.
291
00:13:49,020 --> 00:13:51,286
Yeah. Yeah.
292
00:13:51,355 --> 00:13:53,422
♪♪ [harp]
293
00:13:56,060 --> 00:13:57,728
Nature's been
too good to you girls.
294
00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,829
You're gonna put me
out of a job.
295
00:14:03,334 --> 00:14:05,067
Okay, now let's
get started.
296
00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:07,002
I just want you both
to relax
297
00:14:07,071 --> 00:14:08,772
and move to the music.
298
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,107
♪♪ [Super Freak playing]
299
00:14:14,545 --> 00:14:16,847
I don't know, Avalon.
300
00:14:16,915 --> 00:14:18,314
[Avalon]
Hey, you forget
that I'm here.
301
00:14:18,383 --> 00:14:19,717
Make me sweat.
302
00:14:19,785 --> 00:14:21,650
Yeah, that's it.
303
00:14:21,719 --> 00:14:24,654
Open up the estrogen tap
and let it flow!
304
00:14:24,723 --> 00:14:26,522
Come on! You're rich!
You're sexy!
305
00:14:26,591 --> 00:14:28,125
You're totally happening!
306
00:14:29,628 --> 00:14:32,128
Well, I'm just--
I don't know.
307
00:14:32,196 --> 00:14:33,964
Avalon,
I'm really nervous.
308
00:14:34,033 --> 00:14:35,698
I mean, I'm nervous about
how I'm gonna look.
309
00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:37,901
I've been cranking out hits
since the '70s
310
00:14:37,970 --> 00:14:39,568
You have nothing
to worry about, darling.
311
00:14:39,637 --> 00:14:40,871
Women aren't
born beautiful.
312
00:14:40,939 --> 00:14:42,605
It's all one with
the magic of lighting.
313
00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:45,208
Here. I'll take a Polaroid
and I'll show.
314
00:14:47,545 --> 00:14:48,912
[camera clicking]
315
00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:51,014
Voilá!
316
00:14:54,652 --> 00:14:56,719
Oh, my God!
Look, Jackie.
317
00:14:56,788 --> 00:14:59,655
It really is
about the lighting.
318
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:04,260
Now get back out there
and show me what you got!
319
00:15:04,329 --> 00:15:05,695
Come on!
320
00:15:05,763 --> 00:15:11,034
♪ What makes you think you can tame these flames? ♪
321
00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:19,408
♪ What makes you think you can tame these flames? ♪
322
00:15:19,477 --> 00:15:22,211
♪ Your life will pass before you ♪
323
00:15:22,279 --> 00:15:26,149
♪ Everything you've said or done ♪
324
00:15:26,218 --> 00:15:29,552
♪ There's no way you can stop it, girl ♪
325
00:15:29,621 --> 00:15:33,522
♪ Nowhere you can run ♪
326
00:15:33,591 --> 00:15:36,892
♪ It's down to you and me now ♪
327
00:15:36,961 --> 00:15:41,230
♪ The future is in our hands ♪
328
00:15:41,299 --> 00:15:44,200
♪♪ [continues]
329
00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:54,310
♪ What makes you think you can tame these flames? ♪
330
00:15:55,946 --> 00:16:02,484
♪ What makes you think you can tame these flames?
331
00:16:02,554 --> 00:16:03,753
♪ You can feel it ♪
332
00:16:03,821 --> 00:16:06,422
♪ I can feel it getting hotter ♪
333
00:16:06,490 --> 00:16:10,492
♪ Hotter and hotter ♪
334
00:16:10,561 --> 00:16:14,030
[all laughing]
335
00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:16,265
Yes, you were
brilliant.
336
00:16:16,334 --> 00:16:17,733
Oh, thank you.
337
00:16:17,801 --> 00:16:20,204
Well, that's why
I'm the new Guess girl.
338
00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:25,340
Oh, my God!
It's Hef!
339
00:16:28,247 --> 00:16:29,845
[both]
Hi, Hef!
340
00:16:29,914 --> 00:16:31,713
Girls.
[laughs]
341
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:34,850
I want you to know this is
something really special.
342
00:16:34,919 --> 00:16:37,453
You know, I just wanted
to tell you
343
00:16:37,521 --> 00:16:39,688
that you
single-handedly
344
00:16:39,757 --> 00:16:42,259
revolutionized America's
puritanical morals,
345
00:16:42,328 --> 00:16:44,594
and I personally
want to thank you.
346
00:16:44,662 --> 00:16:46,329
Well, I want to thank you
for one of the most
347
00:16:46,398 --> 00:16:48,865
memorable shootings
in Playboy's history.
348
00:16:48,933 --> 00:16:50,199
Oh, Hef!
349
00:16:50,269 --> 00:16:52,468
I bet you say that
to all the girls.
350
00:16:52,537 --> 00:16:54,136
Of course I do.
351
00:16:55,773 --> 00:17:00,109
All 14,980 of them.
352
00:17:00,178 --> 00:17:02,544
Yes, and I mean it
every time.
353
00:17:02,613 --> 00:17:04,246
But I have to say
that you are
354
00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,682
the most beautiful woman
on this Earth.
355
00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:07,749
Thank you.
356
00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,219
No. In the universe!
357
00:17:10,288 --> 00:17:12,955
Oh! Hef.
358
00:17:13,024 --> 00:17:14,589
♪♪ [harp]
359
00:17:17,628 --> 00:17:21,063
Wow! The judges certainly
wasted no time in
making that decision.
360
00:17:21,131 --> 00:17:23,633
Now let's see who'll be
sipping champagne
361
00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:25,166
and who will be,
uh--ahem--
362
00:17:25,235 --> 00:17:26,502
crying into
their cold cream.
363
00:17:26,570 --> 00:17:28,169
Ha ha ha!
364
00:17:28,238 --> 00:17:29,404
Here we go!
365
00:17:29,473 --> 00:17:32,206
The new Miss Universe is...
♪♪ [drum roll]
366
00:17:32,275 --> 00:17:34,977
Miss Lanford,
Roseanne Conner!
367
00:17:35,046 --> 00:17:38,080
[screams]
[applause]
368
00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:39,849
Oh, Miss Lanford!
369
00:17:39,918 --> 00:17:41,116
You are,
without a doubt,
370
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,820
the most voluptuous,
beautiful woman
in the universe!
371
00:17:43,888 --> 00:17:46,022
I must admit I was
a little worried
372
00:17:46,090 --> 00:17:48,391
when they discovered
life on Mars.
373
00:17:48,459 --> 00:17:52,361
Take your victory stroll
down the runway,
girlfriend!
374
00:17:55,233 --> 00:17:59,768
♪ Here she is,
the blue-collar beauty ♪
375
00:17:59,837 --> 00:18:04,073
♪ She's a real
hair-raising cutie ♪
376
00:18:04,142 --> 00:18:06,008
♪ She's got
a hell of a figure ♪
377
00:18:06,077 --> 00:18:08,877
♪ And she fills out
a D-cup, whoo ♪
378
00:18:08,947 --> 00:18:12,714
♪ Maybe that's why
she's the winner
and first runner-up ♪
379
00:18:12,783 --> 00:18:20,722
♪ Yeah, she's our
Miss Universe USA ♪
380
00:18:20,791 --> 00:18:23,326
Hold it. Hold it.
Stop, please.
381
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,127
I have just learned
that Miss Lanford
382
00:18:25,196 --> 00:18:27,696
has broken
the pageant's rules
383
00:18:27,765 --> 00:18:30,833
by posing
for a commercial
publication.
384
00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:33,068
Hey, those were
tasteful photos.
385
00:18:33,137 --> 00:18:36,571
It was just me and
my sister naked in
a tub full of money.
386
00:18:36,641 --> 00:18:38,472
Well, I am gonna
have to strip you
of your crown!
387
00:18:38,541 --> 00:18:39,473
No!
Yes!
388
00:18:39,542 --> 00:18:40,474
No! That's mine!
389
00:18:40,543 --> 00:18:41,877
I want that!
Give it back to me!
390
00:18:41,946 --> 00:18:44,412
It's mine!
Give it to me!
391
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,716
Give...it...to...me!
392
00:18:46,784 --> 00:18:47,817
♪♪ [harp]
393
00:18:47,885 --> 00:18:50,953
Give me that.
Give me that. It's mine!
394
00:18:51,022 --> 00:18:53,255
Mom, you're giving me
a blister!
395
00:18:53,323 --> 00:18:54,723
Deej, let her go.
396
00:18:54,792 --> 00:18:57,960
If your Mom wants
to salt her ice cream,
it's okay.
397
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:00,628
You all right, honey?
398
00:19:02,633 --> 00:19:05,533
Of course I'm all right.
I'm the new Guess girl.
399
00:19:15,179 --> 00:19:17,613
Hey! I just heard
on the news.
400
00:19:17,681 --> 00:19:21,917
They got that arrow
out of the duck's neck.
401
00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:23,618
Oh, my God!
Do you realize what
this means?
402
00:19:23,687 --> 00:19:27,490
This means we are
the biggest thing in Lanford!
403
00:19:27,558 --> 00:19:32,327
[all]
We're number one!
We're number one!
404
00:19:35,833 --> 00:19:36,999
Yeah! Yeah!
405
00:19:37,068 --> 00:19:38,033
Whoo!
406
00:19:38,102 --> 00:19:40,169
Mom, I kinda need
to talk to you.
407
00:19:40,238 --> 00:19:41,937
It's important.
Why? What's the matter?
408
00:19:42,006 --> 00:19:43,205
Well, the other day,
we were sitting--
409
00:19:43,273 --> 00:19:45,506
Cut!
That's a wrap!
410
00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:46,807
What do you mean "Cut?"
411
00:19:46,877 --> 00:19:48,743
We're not even done
with the scene.
412
00:19:48,811 --> 00:19:51,046
Sorry, Roseanne. I mean,
this is the 200th episode,
413
00:19:51,115 --> 00:19:53,181
and they said to tell
you as soon as
the cake got here.
414
00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:55,650
Oh. The cake's here.
Come on. Let's go get some.
415
00:19:55,719 --> 00:19:57,719
Wait! I mean,
what the hell happened
416
00:19:57,787 --> 00:19:59,054
to our big mother/son
scene?
417
00:19:59,123 --> 00:20:01,890
That was my shot
at an Emmy.
418
00:20:05,395 --> 00:20:07,329
Well, I'm gonna go
have some cake.
419
00:20:07,397 --> 00:20:09,698
You know, go knock
yourself out there.
420
00:20:09,766 --> 00:20:11,733
[crew chatting]
421
00:20:19,442 --> 00:20:23,844
Oh, Israel, your day
of reckoning has come.
422
00:20:23,913 --> 00:20:25,880
You have sinned
a great sin
423
00:20:25,948 --> 00:20:29,350
and not worthy to receive
these ten commandments.
424
00:20:29,419 --> 00:20:35,790
The Almighty has proven that
your faith can overcome
even the laws of nature.
425
00:20:38,428 --> 00:20:39,960
Blasphemers!
426
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,829
You refuse to live
by the Law.
427
00:20:41,898 --> 00:20:44,465
Then you shall die
by the Law!
428
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:46,601
[thunder]
429
00:20:53,277 --> 00:20:55,110
Well, they were very
tasteful photos.
430
00:20:55,179 --> 00:20:58,880
It was just me and
my sister naked in
a tub full of money.
431
00:20:58,949 --> 00:21:01,049
I am gonna
have to strip you
of your crown!
432
00:21:01,118 --> 00:21:03,318
No! No!
That's mine!
433
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:04,486
Give me that!
No! No!
434
00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:05,887
Give me that!
No!
435
00:21:05,955 --> 00:21:09,124
I said give me that!
436
00:21:19,035 --> 00:21:20,968
♪♪ [theme]
437
00:21:27,043 --> 00:21:29,978
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA.
37915
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