Original subtitles

Are you okay, David?

You look a little peaked.

See, David, I told you you were looking better.

Oh, I'm just feeling a little queasy is all.

He thinks he's having pregnancy pains.

Tell him that that's not possible.

Well, I don't know, Darlene.

When my water broke, your father wet his pants.

Ah, hey, honey,

that three-fingered guy down at the hardware store,

he asked me for my autograph.

Which three-fingered guy?

None of them down there have a full set.

Man, ever since the lottery thing--

See, everybody wants to get a little piece of us.

It's okay with me.

Finally, I'm starting to hear

a little sweet talk from the ladies.

Yeah, you know, Grandma's been a lot nicer to me, too, lately.

I mean them girls at school, Darlene.

All right, get this. Okay, I was sitting there

and there was an empty seat next to me in the cafeteria.

Like there always is.

But then Karen Bailey goes to sit down,

and Suzie Johnson throws an elbow and takes a seat.

Two girls fighting? That is so sad.

It's not sad, stupid. It's erotic.

Oh, I gotta tell you,

the freakiest thing happened to me, too.

I'm down at the dry cleaners,

and the guy down there that owns the place,

he asked me to say a blessing over his lottery ticket.

What didst thou say unto him?

Well, I gave him the Girl Scout pledge

and a couple of Hail Marys

and then I waved my hand around it just for the show.

You know what I just realized?

Next to that duck walking around with the arrow in its neck,

we're the most famous thing in Lanford.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

So the duck's the most famous thing in Lanford.

We're number two, right? Absolutely.

Duck. Us.

What was number two before us?

That's a tough call.

Probably that guy that dropped his pants down at the bank

for Funniest Home Videos.

God, that made me so damn mad.

You could tell that was totally fixed.

He was probably going around with his pants unbuttoned the whole damn time.

Makes you not want to keep your money there, I'll tell you that.

That's for damn sure.

Hey, I forgot to tell ya.

Becky called from the carnival with the boys.

She says they're having a great time.

And our little Jerry won the pie-eating contest.

Prodigy.

Oh, has anyone seen Leon lately?

Ever since we won the lottery,

he looks like hell!

I know. I saw him the other day.

He looked liked such a slob, I thought he was straight,

When's he gonna get over it?

Never. Not as long as I'm alive.

I've got to tell you who I ran into. John McCord.

John McCord. Remember? Varsity track?

He's the guy that dressed like the guy in Mod Squad.

Which guy in Mod Squad?

Link or the white guy you can never remember his name?

Come on, Roseanne. You know John McCord.

First shag haircut in Lanford.

Yeah, that's the guy. Anyway, he corners me in the fruit section

and he asks me out.

As if the lottery had nothing to do with that.

But you're going, right? Hell, yes, I'm going.

Hey. Guess what happened to me.

I got a call from the mayor of Lanford.

Was he trying to sell you some more Amway?

No, actually, this time he called as the mayor of Lanford.

He wants me to ride in the Thanksgiving Day Parade,

Wow. That is an honor.

Yeah, it's me and some old guy

that was, like, the last soldier that ever fought in World War I or something.

Hey, I hope people in this town don't mistake me

for Anna Nicole Smith and her old husband.

Yeah, we really are becoming celebrities.

Yeah.

It's just kinda not what I thought it was gonna be, you know?

I kinda thought it was gonna be...

more exciting or something, I don't know.

How come that Ted Koppel ain't called us yet?

Nah, he's lost his edge.

Ha ha! Well, he's no Jerry Springer, that's for damn sure.

♪♪ [harp]

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Thank you very much. Aren't you nice?

Hey, thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, let's talk about the American dream.

A good job, a good home.

Hey, how about winning the lottery?

Well, my guests tonight did exactly that.

They're just ordinary folks from Lanford, Illinois.

Please welcome Roseanne and Dan Conner.

Wow. $108 million.

How did you feel when you got the news?

Well, you gotta understand, Jerry,

I'm recovering from a major heart attack--

or a myocardial infarction as the doctors call it--

And, uh--

See, I was at my daughter's wedding just, uh--

which I guess contributed to the stress--

Plus I had me a couple

bacon, butter, and mayonnaise sandwiches for breakfast

which probably contributed to the clog.

Yeah, well, also you forgot to tell--

See, you're not starting in the right place.

That was, like, before,

and then here we were a little bit later

after you came home and everything.

So, uh-- Well, we just had this big fight--

Yeah, we had a bit wing-ding.

It was, like, the worst fight ever.

We thought we were, like, gonna break up or something.

But then everything worked out, so that was cool.

I'll tell you what. Wait a minute.

Let's just slow down a little bit.

What I wanna know is how did you--

How did you find out that you won?

Well, we were sleeping. Yeah.

Sort of.

Anyway, her sister comes over--

Yeah. My sister comes in and she's like, "Roseanne! Roseanne!"

You know, so I go out there and everything, and, uh--

It kinda put me off my feet.

Sorry, hon.

So I go out there and she's like,

"Hey, you guys won the lottery."

I'm like, "What? We won the..."

You know, so we were like-- kinda just screaming

and freaking out and stuff, you know?

Yeah. We had a real big wing-ding then.

The missus jumped up on my back.

Okay, but wasn't there, like, some interesting story about how--

Oh, yeah. Well, I was getting to that.

I better-- Okay.

Well, so my husband was in the hospital and everything.

He's there in his room and everything.

Well, like, I didn't, um--

I was just trying to keep my mind off of what was going on

because, you know, I didn't know if my husband was getting better--

Because of the infarction.

Yeah, the infarction.

And I was just getting really nervous about it.

So, like, I was trying to just kill time.

Not really kill time, but just kinda take my mind off of...

you know, worrying about my husband.

So, like, I went down and I bought this lottery ticket,

and I worked out this whole, uh, kind of, you know,

system for, like, how to pick the numbers,

'cause, like, I picked out--

Okay. I picked 36 for the number of times I salted my hospital food.

And then 8 for the number of parking tickets I got

for, um, parking in the "ambulance only" zone.

[mumbling] Wasn't your sister involved in--

Oh, Yeah! She's the one that, you know,

fond out first and told us.

Why don't we bring out your sister.

Here's Roseanne's sister Jackie Harris.

[applause]

Jackie, welcome. Welcome to the show.

What is your part in this fascinating story?

Um, well, uh--

Like, I picked out three of the numbers,

and then she picked out three of the numbers.

And then I was the one that saw that we won the lottery on TV.

So I go running over there. I'm like, "Roseanne, Roseanne."

She's like, "What?' I'm like, you know, "We won the lottery."

She's like, "What? you know? Uh...

We wanted to tell Dan, but we didn't know how

because, you know, he'd had the heart attack.

The heart attack. Yeah.

See, I'm not supposed to have any stress

or lift up anything heavy or whatnot

'cause the whole thing could just pop like that again.

So tell him what you said about the heart.

Oh. What I told my husband after we won and everything,

I told my husband, I said, "Honey, you don't even have to worry about,

"you know, your bad ticker anymore, 'cause now we got enough money

to buy you one of those baboon heart transplants."

Oh, yeah. A baboon heart transplant

or a pig valve or whatever science has come up with.

How did it feel?

[both talking]

I go rushing over there, you know,

and I told them, and they're like, "Whoa!" you know?

And I'm like, "Whoa!" you know?

And then, uh...

Then we...

sat around for a little bit.

And then-- Oh, I, see, was like, "Whoa."

Yeah, Jerry. See, I felt bad

'cause I had my heart attack at my daughter's wedding,

and, uh-- Well, you know, she...

had to get married because of--

Honey, don't say that on television.

How--How did the lottery change your life?

How did the lottery change your life?

I got a date with John McCord.

Oh, yeah. Then we had that lady from, uh...

Good Morning America. Kath--uh...

Kathleen Sullivan came over, and she interviewed us.

Is she Ed Sullivan's daughter?

I think she is, yeah.

Why--why don't we bring out the rest of the Conner family, okay?

Here's the rest of the Conner family.

Welcome, everybody, to the show.

Your mom-- Your mom has won $108 million.

How do you guys feel?

I am the mother of the girls, Mr. Springer.

Mrs. Beverly Harris.

How proud you must be.

You know, now that we have this money,

I don't have to be a Democrat anymore.

Any questions? Yes. Go ahead.

Hi. Ahem.

So how much money did you win?

Uh...

Well, we only said it 108 million times, you [bleep].

Hey, I think you should listen to her

and what she says about those guys.

And he should listen to her about, uh, the other one.

Yeah. Now that you guys have all that money,

why don't you give me some?

Sure ain't never heard that one before!

I wanna say that you people are living proof

that God takes care of children and fools!

What did you say? You heard me!

I said--

Talk to the hand 'cause the face does not understand.

Give me that!

Sit your big [bleep] down!

Shut your big [bleep] up!

Okay, please.

Yeah, well, we don't understand

how a jerk like you could win the lottery anyway!

That's my wife you're talking to, [bleep]!

[all yelling]

This is about a good a time as any for a final thought.

You know, what I think we see here today

is that money obviously--

Jerry! Jerry! I have a final thought.

Well, if life hands you a negative,

don't despair, because one day

it just may develop into a pretty picture.

[yelling continues]

Oh, the freakiest thing happened to me today.

David and I got this call from our friendly morticians

over at Ginetti & Sons.

Ooh! Ginetti & Sons!

They don't bury just anybody.

Well, they were very eager to assist us

with our after-life needs.

I told them I already bought a shovel and a big bag of lime.

Could you pass me some beans?

Yes, I could!

I'm glad to see somebody likes his vegetables.

I'm not gonna eat 'em.

I'm just gonna suck the glaze off 'em.

That's right. Mom will just re-glaze them tomorrow.

Hello? Mom?

Honey? You okay?

You haven't said anything in the last five minutes.

Yeah. I actually started to relax.

Sorry, guys. I just kinda spaced out there.

[Jackie] Thinking about the money, huh?

I've been doing that, too.

It changes the way you look at the world.

Doesn't it? Yeah.

And also the way the world looks at you.

Yeah. Yeah.

♪♪ [harp]

Nature's been too good to you girls.

You're gonna put me out of a job.

Okay, now let's get started.

I just want you both to relax

and move to the music.

♪♪ [Super Freak playing]

I don't know, Avalon.

[Avalon] Hey, you forget that I'm here.

Make me sweat.

Yeah, that's it.

Open up the estrogen tap and let it flow!

Come on! You're rich! You're sexy!

You're totally happening!

Well, I'm just-- I don't know.

Avalon, I'm really nervous.

I mean, I'm nervous about how I'm gonna look.

I've been cranking out hits since the '70s

You have nothing to worry about, darling.

Women aren't born beautiful.

It's all one with the magic of lighting.

Here. I'll take a Polaroid and I'll show.

[camera clicking]

Voilá!

Oh, my God! Look, Jackie.

It really is about the lighting.

Now get back out there and show me what you got!

Come on!

♪ What makes you think you can tame these flames? ♪

♪ What makes you think you can tame these flames? ♪

♪ Your life will pass before you ♪

♪ Everything you've said or done ♪

♪ There's no way you can stop it, girl ♪

♪ Nowhere you can run ♪

♪ It's down to you and me now ♪

♪ The future is in our hands ♪

♪♪ [continues]

♪ What makes you think you can tame these flames? ♪

♪ What makes you think you can tame these flames?

♪ You can feel it ♪

♪ I can feel it getting hotter ♪

♪ Hotter and hotter ♪

[all laughing]

Yes, you were brilliant.

Oh, thank you.

Well, that's why I'm the new Guess girl.

Oh, my God! It's Hef!

[both] Hi, Hef!

Girls. [laughs]

I want you to know this is something really special.

You know, I just wanted to tell you

that you single-handedly

revolutionized America's puritanical morals,

and I personally want to thank you.

Well, I want to thank you for one of the most

memorable shootings in Playboy's history.

Oh, Hef!

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Of course I do.

All 14,980 of them.

Yes, and I mean it every time.

But I have to say that you are

the most beautiful woman on this Earth.

Thank you.

No. In the universe!

Oh! Hef.

♪♪ [harp]

Wow! The judges certainly wasted no time in making that decision.

Now let's see who'll be sipping champagne

and who will be, uh--ahem--

crying into their cold cream.

Ha ha ha!

Here we go!

The new Miss Universe is... ♪♪ [drum roll]

Miss Lanford, Roseanne Conner!

[screams] [applause]

Oh, Miss Lanford!

You are, without a doubt,

the most voluptuous, beautiful woman in the universe!

I must admit I was a little worried

when they discovered life on Mars.

Take your victory stroll down the runway, girlfriend!

♪ Here she is, the blue-collar beauty ♪

♪ She's a real hair-raising cutie ♪

♪ She's got a hell of a figure ♪

♪ And she fills out a D-cup, whoo ♪

♪ Maybe that's why she's the winner and first runner-up ♪

♪ Yeah, she's our Miss Universe USA ♪

Hold it. Hold it. Stop, please.

I have just learned that Miss Lanford

has broken the pageant's rules

by posing for a commercial publication.

Hey, those were tasteful photos.

It was just me and my sister naked in a tub full of money.

Well, I am gonna have to strip you of your crown!

No! Yes!

No! That's mine!

I want that! Give it back to me!

It's mine! Give it to me!

Give...it...to...me!

♪♪ [harp]

Give me that. Give me that. It's mine!

Mom, you're giving me a blister!

Deej, let her go.

If your Mom wants to salt her ice cream, it's okay.

You all right, honey?

Of course I'm all right. I'm the new Guess girl.

Hey! I just heard on the news.

They got that arrow out of the duck's neck.

Oh, my God! Do you realize what this means?

This means we are the biggest thing in Lanford!

[all] We're number one! We're number one!

Yeah! Yeah!

Whoo!

Mom, I kinda need to talk to you.

It's important. Why? What's the matter?

Well, the other day, we were sitting--

Cut! That's a wrap!

What do you mean "Cut?"

We're not even done with the scene.

Sorry, Roseanne. I mean, this is the 200th episode,

and they said to tell you as soon as the cake got here.

Oh. The cake's here. Come on. Let's go get some.

Wait! I mean, what the hell happened

to our big mother/son scene?

That was my shot at an Emmy.

Well, I'm gonna go have some cake.

You know, go knock yourself out there.

[crew chatting]

Oh, Israel, your day of reckoning has come.

You have sinned a great sin

and not worthy to receive these ten commandments.

The Almighty has proven that your faith can overcome even the laws of nature.

Blasphemers!

You refuse to live by the Law.

Then you shall die by the Law!

[thunder]

Well, they were very tasteful photos.

It was just me and my sister naked in a tub full of money.

I am gonna have to strip you of your crown!

No! No! That's mine!

Give me that! No! No!

Give me that! No!

I said give me that!

♪♪ [theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA.