Original subtitles

[fretting]

It's okay. It's okay.

I'll get the lights, okay?

It's okay.

Oh, Mommy.

You're okay, sweetheart.

Roseanne!

Roseanne, where are you?

I've got to tell you something!

What is going on?

Where's my baby? What?

We won the lottery!

This is the winning lottery ticket! I've got it right here!

Remember? You told me to watch it on TV!

What are you talking about?

We won the lottery! I can't believe it!

What lottery?

The lottery! The Illinois State Lottery!

It's the biggest one in the history of Illinois!

It's $108 million!

You mean-- You mean--

We're the people that picked the six winning numbers!

Oh, my God. You're telling me--

You're telling me--

You're telling me

that we won the Illinois State Lottery

for $108 million.

Is that what you're telling me?

Is that what you're telling me?

Ha ha ha! Let's tell Dan.

No! Dan has just had a heart attack,

and this kind of thing could kill him!

What's going on?

Don't panic!

Sit. What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong.

Nothing is wrong. Nothing will ever be wrong again.

Dan, Dan, I have something to tell you,

but before I tell you,

you have to promise me

that you are not going to collapse

or turn blue or anything like that.

Scout's honor.

Okay.

We won the lottery!

Aah!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We won the lottery! We won the lottery!

Aah!

Oh, my God, we won the lottery!

We won the lottery! Aah!

Hey! Hey!

Go get my shirt!

Oh! Ho ho ho! Aah!

♪ What doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

$108 million.

Yeah, but you know what?

If this ticket was worth only, say, 10 million,

I'd love it just as much.

You know what? You guys should have that framed.

Yeah, we should. Duh!

You have to turn it in to get the money, Mark.

I want you to know

that no one deserves this more than you and Dad.

Aw, honey.

Oh, those are those pregnancy hormones kicking in.

Makes you so sweet.

Too bad you didn't get knocked up years ago.

All right, so I have it all figured out.

You guys are gonna get 5.4 million a year.

That's like $10 a minute, 17 cents a second.

Wow. Hey, that's 17 cents.

That's 17 cents.

That's 34 cents.

What are we gonna do with all the money, honey?

I'll tell you what. We're gonna move out of here

and buy that great big house down the block.

Or better yet, wait, no.

We're gonna move to, uh, the really nice part of town.

Or Egypt.

This is our ancestral home.

I grew up here!

Don't worry, honey. We're not gonna get rid of the house.

We'll just put it in the tree

in the backyard of our new place.

You know what we can do?

We're gonna be able to send Becky

to the college that she wants to go to,

something really great like Harvard or, uh...

uh... what's another college?

Great. Thanks, Mom.

Yeah, and, D.J., you can just go ahead

and drop out of school altogether!

No way. I mean, now that we got all this dough,

I'm finally gonna be popular.

Well, I've always had this dream

that one day I'd buy a vineyard in Bordeauks

and tease the nectar of the gods

from the heart of the grape.

Why? That jug from Buy 'n Bag keeps you just as happy.

I'm gonna get all-new tools,

finish my boat.

You know what I'm gonna have mounted

next to the captain's chair?

What's that?

The Liberty Bell! Clank, clank, crack!

I want to ride in the space shuttle. Who's with me?

Hey! You don't even have to worry

about your health or your heart anymore, Dan,

because we can buy one of them baboon heart transplant jobs.

You know what?

With the stuff they got going with medical science now,

good God, I'm getting me a ton of plastic surgery.

I swear to God.

I'm getting one of them nose jobs,

and I'm gonna get a tummy tuck

and a ton of liposuction.

Honey, I like you just the way you are.

Well, that don't matter to me

'cause I'm dumping you for some parasitic pig.

Then I'm gonna lose him

for some young guy that's really buff.

And then after that--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just slow down, everybody.

We can't celebrate till we've officially gotten the money, okay?

'Cause I read about this guy.

He's a...average guy.

Okay? You know, he's--

Hey, he's got a winning lottery ticket.

You know, he's whooping it up.

He figures he's already got the cash.

Guess what. He lost the ticket!

Oh!

So one minute he's got millions,

and the next minute nothing.

Thanks for sharing that, sis.

I'm just saying--

I'm saying we've got to be very, very careful here.

I agree with Jackie.

Don't do that, Mother.

Oh, come on, Jackie. There's got to be something you want.

I'm not gonna think about it

until that ticket goes down to that office.

I know what Jackie wants.

Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Cherry-red sports car with a leather-wrap steering wheel.

And?

And a Rolex!

See? That wasn't so hard.

Uh...

you know they say that DeVry Institute's a good college.

Uh, excuse me.

If we were here to, uh, collect, say, $108 million,

where would we go?

Oh, you're the ones, huh?

You know, I had two of those numbers.

Well, thanks for your dollar.

You want the lottery director.

Stay alert, my friend.

Uh, hello. We're the Conners. We have an appointment.

Oh, hello, hello! So this is the lucky couple!

I'm Mr. Russo. Boy, I bet you're excited.

We were up all night.

So was I.

You know, your win, should it prove valid,

would be the high point of my prize dispersement career.

Man, you guys are so much nicer here

than at the unemployment office.

I already took the liberty

of filling out the claim form there.

Good, good, good.

And thanks for pressing hard.

Now, I'm going to have to match

the validation number on your ticket.

Yes, sir.

Well, Dan, looks like we will be going

to our next high school reunion.

All right, now I need some identification.

Yes, sir, absolutely. We are us.

I didn't know what to bring here.

I got the birth certificate, license,

social security number.

That's my fishing license.

Yeah, and-- and-- and-- and, uh,

that key card there, that unlocks Room 411

at the Pine Tree Motor Lodge.

Well, on behalf of the State of Illinois,

let me congratulate you.

You have just won the largest lottery in our history!

Oh! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I hope you folks don't mind posing

for a few publicity photos.

Look at all the paparazzi.

That guy's with the Enquirer.

Hey, I didn't know the legitimate press was gonna be here.

All right, now smile.

All right. That's enough. That's enough.

Now, we're gonna be sending these photos

along with a press release,

so you're gonna be bombarded by the media.

Why? We didn't grow a squash

that looks like Dole or nothing.

Yeah, Mr. Russo, you know,

not to be piggy or nothing,

but, uh...

when do we get the real check?

That'll be right along.

It should take about four or five weeks.

Four or five weeks? Really?

Uh, well, we were gonna take the family out for ice cream.

Now what the hell are we supposed to do?

Damn. I ain't never seen this room so bright.

Yeah. I think people who read

would really like this place.

Hi. I'm Kathleen Sullivan.

Hi. Roseanne and Dan.

[snicker]

Congratulations. Take a seat.

Okay.

Now, we'll just start whenever you're comfortable.

Okay. Put this mike here on Mom.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Okay.

No. That feels phony, Dan.

This is Kathleen Sullivan

on remote in America's heartland,

Lanford, Illinois,

where two hardworking

self-described regular folks

have just won the biggest lottery

in Illinois State history.

So, Roseanne and Dan Conner,

how does it feel to be worth more than $100 million?

Well, I feel like a million bucks.

I guess I've sold myself short.

So tell us, you two luckbirds,

who are Roseanne and Dan Conner?

Well-- Well--

we were born in Lanford--

Yeah, we were born here in Lanford.

High school sweethearts. Went to Lanford High School.

Yeah. Met in high school.

It was about 10th grade.

10th grade.

Uh, played football.

He played football, we met, and--

Got married, had kids--

We have, uh, four kids.

Moved into this house. Put that linoleum in.

He did all the work.

Then we got the knickknacks. Put the art up.

Yeah. Then here we are.

Here we are.

Why don't we meet the rest of the family?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Kids, come on down. Come on in here.

Come on!

Okay. Uh, this is our daughter Darlene

and her husband David.

Uh, they're--

they're vegetarians,

so they don't have the strength

to hold their heads up.

And, uh...

this is our oldest daughter Becky

and her husband Mark.

Uh, I'm Mark.

And this is

our son D.J.

and our little baby Jerry here.

Give me the baby.

Give me the baby.

Aw.

What'd you do to him?

I-- I--

Oh, I'm sorry.

And this is Mrs. Harris,

the, uh, woman who raised me.

Hello, America, hello.

And my sister Jackie.

I helped pick the numbers.

So there you are, ladies and gentlemen:

the lucky family.

But tell us,

how do you think the lottery's gonna change your lives?

Well, not much.

We're probably just gonna be

the same people we always were.

Yeah. Only happy.

They ought to make this caviar bigger.

One jar barely fits on one cracker.

Wow. This is the first party we've had

where D.J. wasn't in the bedroom

going through coat pockets.

And that's the way it's gonna be from now on.

More meat, son.

This meat doesn't look right.

I mean, where's all the white shiny stuff?

This is lean meat, son.

Our 22% days are over with.

Hey, hey, Dan, go ahead and show him that lobster

and that fancy meat where the bone's still in it.

No, no. The lad's seen enough for one day.

Hey. I got the plastic champagne glasses.

Did you get the expensive ones?

5.99 a dozen.

D.J., run these burgers out to Mark,

and I'm gonna go entertain our guests.

[phone rings]

Yeah. Hello.

Uh, no, I'm sorry. We don't have an Uncle Sid.

Or an Uncle George.

And no Charlie. Strike 3, lunch meat.

Man, brand names are so colorful.

Oh, you got champagne!

And it's out of state.

It's so incredible.

I even went to that fancy market today,

and for the first time in my life

I didn't hold up the line

by paying with coupons.

You paid full price for everything?

No, not everything.

They threw in the bottle of champagne for free

because they recognized me.

No!

It's so awesome.

And then, when Dan went down to get the charcoal,

the guy throws in a hibachi

and a free set of those kabob pokers.

Wow, this pregnancy thing really bites.

I'm gonna start crying again.

Oh, that's nothing.

Wait till you start peeing when you laugh.

Or sneeze.

Yeah.

Or blink.

[phone rings]

I got this one.

Hello.

Uh-huh.

No, I'm sorry. We've already committed to a charity.

We just bought 500 bottles

of Paul Newman's salad dressing.

Hey, Leon, come on over here

and help yourself to some caviar.

You really did win the lottery.

I just had to come over

and see if my worst nightmare did come true,

and in fact, it has.

So I am now...in hell.

Kill me.

Well, I'm kind of busy right now, Leon,

but go on in the kitchen and help yourself

to what's ever under the sink.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Uh, gee, I-- I don't know. Uh--

Oh, D.J., just hang up on him.

What do they want now?

How am I supposed to know?

Nana Mary just started talking

when you told me to hang up.

Roseanne, Roseanne, Roseanne,

I still can't get over your windfall.

Well, I owe it all to you, Mom.

I mean, if you would have encouraged me

to do something useful with my life,

this never would have happened.

Thank you, dear.

And I want you to know

that all that money I lent you over the years--

well, there's no need to give it a moment's thought.

Oh, I never have.

Hey, there's a bunch of people

looking over the back fence,

trying to take our picture.

Ah, don't worry about it.

They can't use any of it, man.

I was mooning 'em

and flipping them the bird the whole time.

What's going on around here?

Well, you know, the guy at the prize office

warned us this might happen.

Hey, everybody, it's time to toast Dan and Roseanne

on their great fortune.

No, no, no, no. Please, allow me.

To the Conners.

I say, and I quote.

To know what God thinks of money,

one only has to look at those

to whom He has given it.

Thanks, Leon.

You guys have got to look.

There's, like, over a hundred people out there.

Isn't it wonderful being rich?

I've finally risen above the people

I long knew were my inferiors.

I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl.

Make that a private school girl.

Okay, Mom, time to go out

and lay on the lawn and take a nap.

Boy, is this causing a traffic jam.

Well, I told you to take those Christmas lights down.

You know, Roseanne, I was just thinking.

You may have the pleasure of winning all this money,

but I will have the sheer delight

of watching you blow it all

on collectible plates.

Collectible plates are in the past, Leon.

The future is all about Star Trek signature coffee mugs.

Hey! Hey! It's a great party!

I forgot to mention,

don't spend it all in one place.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, pheasant!

That's what this party needs: pheasant!

Dan, can I see you in the kitchen?

Well, it was-- Now.

...great talking to you again. Really great.

Who in the hell was I just talking to?

I have no idea.

Who are you?

Man, honey, this is insane.

Dan,

how do you leave a party when you're the host?

You know, I think, technically,

if we went down to the basement,

we wouldn't be leaving the party.

You're on.

Coming through!

Gangway. Watch your back.

Privacy.

Sanctuary.

Man, it's quiet in here.

I hate hearing all these voices, you know?

Unless they're mine.

Yeah. I think the ringing in my ears

has finally stopped.

It's the first time we've been alone together all day.

Yeah. Well, you know what? It's real nice.

We could a lot more of it from now on.

Just hanging out together,

spend every single minute of the day together.

Uh, yeah.

Well...

you know, it's not like we're gonna have

all that much down time, you know.

We're gonna be doing a lot of things.

We're going to be shopping,

going to a lot of movies, a lot of plays,

We'll travel.

We could take one of them Kathie Lee tours.

Hey. I bet you we're richer than her now.

Boy, does that put things into perspective.

Man. So you know what we really got to do, though, Dan?

What's that?

We have really got to start

taking better care of ourselves, you know?

I mean, now that we got all this money,

I want to live.

Yeah. Me, too.

Uh, how do you go about doing something like that?

See, I think we'll get a nutritionist, you know,

and they'll tell us what to eat,

and then we'll haul in one of them trainers, you know,

and they'll just whip our butts right into shape.

[laughing] Yeah.

Yeah. I could be buff in a couple of months.

Or ten years, whatever.

Man, it is just amazing, isn't it?

I mean, we're gonna be part

of the whole hoity-toity whoop-de-doo.

Yeah.

Well, remember what I told you

when we started going out?

Stick with me, kid. I'll have you farting through silk.

But no matter what happens,

we're just gonna be the same people.

Same old Dan and Roseanne.

Sitting on a mountain of cash.

Come with me, Robin Leach,

as we tour the home

of the Duke and Duchess of Good Fortune.

Lottery winners Dan and Roseanne Conner.

Here is their luxurious Lanford lair.

The decor is a delightful potpourri of American Baroque.

The carpet is a beautiful polyester fiber.

It's no longer made, for health reasons.

And this is the crown jewel of our collection.

And what a jewel it is!

All wings of the house meet here

at the entertainment center,

where Dan and Roseanne relax

after a long day of counting their lucre.

We have all the Barnaby Jones tapes.

We relax by watching an episode from Season 3.

As the day drew to a close,

Roseanne proved

just why she's famous for her hospitality

from Manhattan to Marrakech.

Want a sandwich?

No lover of fine food

could resist such an offer.

I'm Robin Leach

with beer wishes and nacho dreams.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA