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1
00:00:08,334 --> 00:00:11,802
I am sick and tired
of being treated
like an invalid.
2
00:00:11,872 --> 00:00:13,271
So you're just going to
do it, aren't you?
3
00:00:13,340 --> 00:00:15,439
You're just going to
go right ahead
and harden an artery
4
00:00:15,508 --> 00:00:17,008
right here in my kitchen.
5
00:00:17,077 --> 00:00:18,442
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
6
00:00:18,511 --> 00:00:19,611
Let's back up here.
7
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:20,945
You're calling me fat?
8
00:00:21,014 --> 00:00:22,914
Yeah, I'm calling you fat.
9
00:00:22,983 --> 00:00:25,451
Well, if that ain't
the big fat pot
10
00:00:25,519 --> 00:00:27,519
calling the kettle black!
11
00:00:29,022 --> 00:00:30,888
You better not
be calling me fat.
12
00:00:30,957 --> 00:00:32,291
Well, that's what
I'm doing.
13
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:33,625
Fat, fat, fat!
14
00:00:33,694 --> 00:00:34,960
Fat, fat, fat!
15
00:00:35,028 --> 00:00:36,628
[Both]
Fat, fat, fat, fat!
16
00:00:36,697 --> 00:00:41,300
♪ What doesn't kill us is making us stronger ♪
17
00:00:41,369 --> 00:00:43,469
♪ We're gonna last longer ♪
18
00:00:43,537 --> 00:00:46,305
♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪
19
00:00:46,374 --> 00:00:49,475
♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪
20
00:00:49,543 --> 00:00:53,646
♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪
21
00:00:53,715 --> 00:00:55,815
♪ While waiting for my turn ♪
22
00:00:55,884 --> 00:00:58,818
♪ It's that each life some rain falls ♪
23
00:00:58,887 --> 00:01:01,988
♪ But you also get some sun ♪
24
00:01:02,056 --> 00:01:05,992
♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪
25
00:01:06,061 --> 00:01:08,828
♪ Hear what I say ♪
26
00:01:08,897 --> 00:01:13,500
♪ Yeah, any day ♪
27
00:01:27,082 --> 00:01:28,516
You poor thing.
28
00:01:28,584 --> 00:01:31,685
Dan in one house,
you in another.
29
00:01:31,754 --> 00:01:35,523
You must be feeling
so lost!
30
00:01:37,426 --> 00:01:39,193
There, there, dear.
Hey!
31
00:01:39,261 --> 00:01:40,394
It's all right.
32
00:01:40,463 --> 00:01:41,528
No, it isn't.
33
00:01:41,597 --> 00:01:44,365
Your knock-off Giorgio
is making me gag.
34
00:01:46,102 --> 00:01:48,036
I'll pay you no mind, dear.
35
00:01:48,104 --> 00:01:50,204
You're just dehydrated.
36
00:01:53,275 --> 00:01:54,375
I didn't invite her.
37
00:01:54,443 --> 00:01:56,410
I left the window open.
She just flew in.
38
00:01:59,082 --> 00:02:00,715
What are you going to do?
39
00:02:00,784 --> 00:02:02,384
Roseanne,
it's been three days.
40
00:02:02,453 --> 00:02:04,752
Dan's called here
every 20 minutes.
41
00:02:04,821 --> 00:02:06,154
It's so weird.
42
00:02:06,223 --> 00:02:09,224
It's as if I've lost
my will to manipulate him.
43
00:02:11,294 --> 00:02:12,894
Well, next time he calls,
44
00:02:12,963 --> 00:02:14,695
you pick up
and let him do
all the talking.
45
00:02:14,764 --> 00:02:15,831
Just listen.
46
00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:19,300
My marriage is not
based on me listening.
47
00:02:21,471 --> 00:02:23,072
You know,
now that Jackie is alone
48
00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:24,906
and you and Dan
are estranged,
49
00:02:24,976 --> 00:02:26,908
the three of us
should live together
50
00:02:26,977 --> 00:02:29,912
like the ladies in
Sense and Sensibility.
51
00:02:29,981 --> 00:02:33,416
Me and my spinster daughters.
52
00:02:35,819 --> 00:02:39,088
You know, Mom,
Lizzie Borden was a spinster.
53
00:02:40,325 --> 00:02:42,757
Hey. Hey!
54
00:02:42,826 --> 00:02:46,096
That's not a coaster.
It's a lottery ticket.
55
00:02:46,164 --> 00:02:47,898
Oh, really?
56
00:02:47,966 --> 00:02:49,933
Well, it's nice
you can still dream,
57
00:02:50,001 --> 00:02:54,904
since reality's
been so unkind.
58
00:02:54,973 --> 00:02:58,774
Well, it's more
Roseanne's ticket.
59
00:02:58,843 --> 00:03:01,944
It's worth about
100 million bucks.
60
00:03:02,013 --> 00:03:03,747
That's a lot
of extra toppings.
61
00:03:03,815 --> 00:03:06,982
Well, if you ask me,
the lottery is just a scam.
62
00:03:07,051 --> 00:03:09,453
Well, yeah,
maybe for all those
suckers out there.
63
00:03:09,521 --> 00:03:12,789
But, hey,
I devised a system while
Dan was in the hospital.
64
00:03:12,857 --> 00:03:15,292
Okay, I picked the number 36
65
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,128
for the number of times
I had to salt my food.
66
00:03:18,197 --> 00:03:20,464
And 8 for the number
of parking tickets I got
67
00:03:20,532 --> 00:03:22,800
for parking in
the ambulance zone.
68
00:03:22,868 --> 00:03:26,804
And then 4 for the number of
planets in our solar system.
69
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:30,140
And then the old tired numbers
that Jackie had to pick.
70
00:03:30,209 --> 00:03:33,143
Roseanne, 1, 2, 3
is a classic run.
71
00:03:33,212 --> 00:03:34,645
[doorbell rings]
72
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:41,219
Hey, everybody.
The children.
73
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:43,388
I brought you
a change of clothes.
74
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,655
I also brought you some
lighter fluid and matches
75
00:03:45,724 --> 00:03:48,658
so you can burn
the ones you're wearing.
76
00:03:48,727 --> 00:03:50,494
Mrs. Conner, Mr. Conner
really wishes
77
00:03:50,562 --> 00:03:52,529
he could take back
everything he said.
78
00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:56,834
Yeah, well, I wish
I could take back shoes
after I've worn them.
79
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,170
Look, Mom,
whatever you're going
through here,
80
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,638
you can easily
go through at home.
81
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:03,174
All she has to do
is apologize to Dan.
82
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,843
Apologize to Dan?
83
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,179
Dan should apologize
to her.
84
00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:09,181
Well, let's not
get into blame here.
85
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,351
This whole thing
was just one big
misunderstanding.
86
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:15,254
David, we don't need
the touchy-feely right now.
87
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,024
Okay, I really appreciate
you all coming over here
88
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:20,192
to comfort me,
89
00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:21,861
but now that it hasn't worked,
90
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,597
could you leave?
91
00:04:24,666 --> 00:04:29,335
Well, in that case,
Happy Meals for everyone!
92
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,203
My treat!
93
00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:32,705
I love Happy Meals.
94
00:04:32,774 --> 00:04:33,873
Well, come on, then.
95
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,375
I'll strap you
in your car seat
96
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:38,745
and we can count
little red trucks
on the way over.
97
00:04:38,813 --> 00:04:40,214
I'll pick up the kids
on the way home.
98
00:04:40,282 --> 00:04:42,049
You want me to bring
you back anything?
99
00:04:42,117 --> 00:04:43,415
Well, yeah.
100
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,551
Bring me back
one of everything
so I can pick.
101
00:04:48,290 --> 00:04:50,724
[switching channels]
102
00:04:50,792 --> 00:04:53,126
Oh, cool.
103
00:04:57,466 --> 00:04:59,733
Hi, honey. How was your day today?
104
00:04:59,801 --> 00:05:02,436
But before you tell me, where's my kiss?
105
00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:07,741
Donald Hollinger, you are five minutes late.
106
00:05:07,809 --> 00:05:09,411
You only get one kiss.
107
00:05:11,448 --> 00:05:14,081
You may change your mind
after you see this.
108
00:05:14,150 --> 00:05:16,985
Ooh, champagne,
and it's French.
109
00:05:17,054 --> 00:05:18,586
Ooh la la!
110
00:05:18,654 --> 00:05:20,255
Yes siree, Ann.
Only the best.
111
00:05:20,323 --> 00:05:21,255
This is a special night.
112
00:05:21,324 --> 00:05:23,691
I have a big surprise for you.
113
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,427
Ann, will you marry me?
114
00:05:26,495 --> 00:05:29,230
Oh, but Donald,
I-- I--
115
00:05:29,299 --> 00:05:30,298
Of course you will.
116
00:05:30,366 --> 00:05:32,000
Now, let's open
that champagne.
117
00:05:32,068 --> 00:05:34,303
But, Donald,
there's so much
to think about,
118
00:05:34,371 --> 00:05:35,704
so much to talk about.
119
00:05:35,773 --> 00:05:38,206
I'm just-- I'm just
getting my career going.
120
00:05:38,275 --> 00:05:39,874
But don't you want
your next role to be
121
00:05:39,943 --> 00:05:41,476
Mrs. Donald Hollinger?
122
00:05:41,545 --> 00:05:43,712
We'll move to a small town,
have a few kids.
123
00:05:43,780 --> 00:05:46,982
Every Halloween
we'll throw a big,
weird party.
124
00:05:47,051 --> 00:05:49,017
But I can't marry you.
125
00:05:49,086 --> 00:05:51,920
I'm-- I'm television's
first feminist.
126
00:05:51,989 --> 00:05:54,489
Well, television's first
pretty feminist that is,
127
00:05:54,558 --> 00:05:56,125
and I can't cop out
and marry you
128
00:05:56,193 --> 00:05:58,360
just because the network
can't handle
129
00:05:58,428 --> 00:06:00,563
a single career woman.
130
00:06:00,632 --> 00:06:02,698
Well, I don't understand.
We've talked about this.
131
00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:05,101
[door bell rings]
Remember that time
at the lake?
132
00:06:05,169 --> 00:06:08,103
I think that was the nicest weekend--
Come in.
133
00:06:13,312 --> 00:06:15,244
Dan sent us over
with a message.
134
00:06:15,314 --> 00:06:17,280
Well, I'm screening
my messages,
135
00:06:17,349 --> 00:06:19,448
so you'll have to stand there
till you hear the beep.
136
00:06:21,053 --> 00:06:22,752
What are you doing?
137
00:06:22,821 --> 00:06:25,790
I'm making a film of our
dysfunctional family life.
138
00:06:25,857 --> 00:06:28,924
You look terrible, Mom.
That's great!
139
00:06:28,993 --> 00:06:31,528
I bought D.J. a six-pack
of tapes at Target,
140
00:06:31,596 --> 00:06:33,597
so he made me a producer.
141
00:06:35,401 --> 00:06:37,133
Spell "producer," Mark.
142
00:06:40,038 --> 00:06:42,739
Mark, I'm losing light.
Give her the message from Dad.
143
00:06:42,808 --> 00:06:46,177
Mr. Conner knows
that you're not ready
to go home yet,
144
00:06:46,245 --> 00:06:49,480
so he'd like to meet you
on neutered territory.
145
00:06:49,548 --> 00:06:51,748
Neutral territory.
146
00:06:51,818 --> 00:06:52,950
All right.
147
00:06:53,018 --> 00:06:54,685
Anyway, Dan, uh,
he's really hurtin'
148
00:06:54,754 --> 00:06:55,754
and he wants you back.
149
00:06:55,822 --> 00:06:58,155
Let me translate that
for you, Mark.
150
00:06:58,224 --> 00:07:00,157
That means he can't
find the towels
151
00:07:00,226 --> 00:07:04,061
and he's eating
directly out of the cans.
152
00:07:04,130 --> 00:07:05,463
I guess that's a wrap.
153
00:07:08,435 --> 00:07:10,734
D.J.
154
00:07:10,803 --> 00:07:12,604
How's your dad
holding up anyway?
155
00:07:12,673 --> 00:07:13,971
Terrible.
156
00:07:14,041 --> 00:07:15,440
Worse than me?
157
00:07:15,509 --> 00:07:17,275
Well, I'm not sure.
158
00:07:17,344 --> 00:07:19,777
Does he usually cry
when he vacuums?
159
00:07:29,388 --> 00:07:32,139
♪♪ [I Dream of Jeannie theme]
160
00:07:33,293 --> 00:07:36,596
Oh, Master, what is the point of dusting your house
161
00:07:36,663 --> 00:07:38,163
if you are never here?
162
00:07:38,232 --> 00:07:39,465
[sighs]
163
00:07:39,534 --> 00:07:43,336
I have the most boring life
in all of Coco Beach.
164
00:07:45,906 --> 00:07:47,106
[boing]
165
00:07:48,209 --> 00:07:49,741
Jeannie!
166
00:07:49,809 --> 00:07:51,677
Jeannie,
for your information,
167
00:07:51,745 --> 00:07:53,880
Major Healey and I
were orbiting the moon.
168
00:07:53,948 --> 00:07:56,115
Why do you always
have to go, Master?
169
00:07:56,183 --> 00:07:59,285
Can they not ever
send the monkey?
170
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:02,523
Jeannie, I command you
to send me back.
171
00:08:02,591 --> 00:08:04,156
Not without me.
172
00:08:04,225 --> 00:08:07,193
NASA certainly
doesn't need your help
and neither do I.
173
00:08:07,262 --> 00:08:10,062
Oh, you do not need
my help, Master?
174
00:08:10,131 --> 00:08:12,399
Who do you think it is
that takes the Tang stains
175
00:08:12,468 --> 00:08:13,433
out of your spacesuit?
176
00:08:13,502 --> 00:08:15,602
Uhp-- Uhp--
177
00:08:15,671 --> 00:08:18,238
I'm going back
to the moon.
178
00:08:18,307 --> 00:08:21,007
And stop always trying
to control me.
179
00:08:21,077 --> 00:08:24,577
I do not try
to control you, Master.
180
00:08:24,646 --> 00:08:26,080
[boing]
181
00:08:26,148 --> 00:08:27,981
What do you call this?
182
00:08:29,418 --> 00:08:31,752
Oh, all right, maybe I am
a little controlling,
183
00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:33,988
but it is only
because I miss you.
184
00:08:34,056 --> 00:08:35,390
Hey, I've got an idea.
185
00:08:35,458 --> 00:08:37,024
As soon as I get back
from the moon,
186
00:08:37,092 --> 00:08:38,860
we'll go someplace
really romantic.
187
00:08:38,928 --> 00:08:42,062
I have a better idea, Master.
188
00:08:42,131 --> 00:08:44,899
[boing]
Jeeeean-nie!
189
00:08:44,967 --> 00:08:47,735
[falls roaring]
190
00:08:49,473 --> 00:08:52,507
So, Master, you would not
really rather be
191
00:08:52,576 --> 00:08:54,844
with Major Healey now,
would you?
192
00:08:54,912 --> 00:08:57,713
What?
I-I can't hear you.
193
00:08:57,782 --> 00:08:59,447
[boing]
[roar stops]
194
00:08:59,516 --> 00:09:02,183
I said you would not
really rather be
195
00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,352
with Major Healey now,
would you, Master?
196
00:09:04,420 --> 00:09:06,053
Well...
197
00:09:06,122 --> 00:09:08,122
I guess the moon
can wait.
198
00:09:11,127 --> 00:09:14,329
[phone ringing]
199
00:09:14,398 --> 00:09:15,464
[answering machine] Hi, it's Jackie.
200
00:09:15,533 --> 00:09:16,831
If this is Dan, please don't leave
201
00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:18,233
a real long message this time.
202
00:09:18,302 --> 00:09:20,369
I have a life, too.
203
00:09:20,438 --> 00:09:22,504
[beep]
204
00:09:22,573 --> 00:09:23,973
[Dan] Roseanne?
205
00:09:24,042 --> 00:09:25,808
I don't know what you're doing or what's going on
206
00:09:25,877 --> 00:09:27,710
or why you can't talk to me.
207
00:09:27,779 --> 00:09:31,180
I'm all out of answers so I'm just going to stop calling.
208
00:09:31,248 --> 00:09:32,648
Bye.
209
00:09:32,717 --> 00:09:34,617
[beep beep]
210
00:09:34,686 --> 00:09:37,653
Great, here comes
the telegrams.
211
00:09:52,737 --> 00:09:53,670
[sighs]
212
00:09:53,738 --> 00:09:56,005
God, this is all so strange.
213
00:09:56,074 --> 00:09:58,975
Your mom's not here,
your dad's not talking.
214
00:09:59,044 --> 00:10:02,011
Everything is either
gone or busted.
215
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:03,981
Yeah.
216
00:10:04,049 --> 00:10:06,249
A treasure trove
of American folk art
217
00:10:06,318 --> 00:10:09,320
destroyed in one afternoon.
218
00:10:09,389 --> 00:10:11,522
Damn it, I can't
take this anymore.
219
00:10:11,590 --> 00:10:13,457
Somebody has to talk
to your dad.
220
00:10:16,529 --> 00:10:19,029
I'm going in.
221
00:10:19,098 --> 00:10:22,233
Wow, check out the new
forceful attitude.
222
00:10:22,301 --> 00:10:24,301
Don't bring it home
with you.
223
00:10:27,974 --> 00:10:30,074
Hey, Mr. Conner.
Hey, David.
224
00:10:30,143 --> 00:10:32,443
Got the, uh, disposal
fixed there, huh?
225
00:10:32,511 --> 00:10:35,079
That must give you
a great sense
of satisfaction.
226
00:10:35,148 --> 00:10:37,915
Well, it doesn't quite
put the bounce in your step
227
00:10:37,984 --> 00:10:42,920
that cleaning
the gutters does,
but it ain't bad.
228
00:10:42,988 --> 00:10:48,493
Listen, Mr. Conner,
this...thing with you
and Mrs. Conner?
229
00:10:48,562 --> 00:10:52,898
Um...I know
it must be awful.
230
00:10:52,967 --> 00:10:58,904
I mean, I find in my marriage
that the highs are great...
231
00:10:58,973 --> 00:11:01,608
soaring...highs.
232
00:11:01,676 --> 00:11:07,046
And-- And the lows...
uh, suck.
233
00:11:08,950 --> 00:11:13,151
I mean, my wife and I
have been through Hell's fire
and I am here to tell you--
234
00:11:13,220 --> 00:11:15,721
David, you've been
married eight days.
235
00:11:18,426 --> 00:11:19,958
Yeah.
236
00:11:20,028 --> 00:11:21,995
But to Darlene.
237
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:33,139
Point and match.
238
00:11:35,545 --> 00:11:40,380
So, if there's anything
we can do for you,
239
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:43,617
anything,
we're here for you.
240
00:11:44,687 --> 00:11:47,187
We're here for you, Dad.
241
00:11:47,256 --> 00:11:49,256
[grumbling]
242
00:11:50,925 --> 00:11:55,028
David, what did I tell you
about climbing on Dad?
243
00:11:55,097 --> 00:11:57,198
Sorry.
244
00:11:57,266 --> 00:11:58,866
You want a diet soda?
245
00:11:58,935 --> 00:12:00,401
Sure.
246
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,838
[sighs]
247
00:12:02,906 --> 00:12:04,806
So, did you hear
from Mom yet?
248
00:12:04,875 --> 00:12:07,407
Listen, Darlene,
I don't want you kids
worrying about this,
249
00:12:07,478 --> 00:12:10,110
what with the baby
coming and all.
250
00:12:10,179 --> 00:12:11,879
Your mom and I
will work this out.
251
00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:13,548
Oh, I know you will.
252
00:12:13,616 --> 00:12:15,115
I mean, what are
your options here?
253
00:12:15,184 --> 00:12:16,351
No point
in getting divorced
254
00:12:16,420 --> 00:12:18,787
because there's nothing
of value to divide.
255
00:12:20,357 --> 00:12:22,456
God knows there's
no one else out there
256
00:12:22,525 --> 00:12:23,658
for either one of you.
257
00:12:25,528 --> 00:12:28,629
Face it, you guys are stuck
with each other.
258
00:12:29,967 --> 00:12:30,899
[phone ringing]
259
00:12:30,968 --> 00:12:33,034
Oh, I'll get that!
260
00:12:33,103 --> 00:12:35,403
Hello?
261
00:12:35,472 --> 00:12:37,138
Yeah, hold on
just a second.
262
00:12:37,207 --> 00:12:38,239
David, it's for you.
263
00:12:38,308 --> 00:12:41,677
Oh, Mr. Conner, I'm--
I'm sorry.
264
00:12:41,745 --> 00:12:43,878
That should've
been for you.
265
00:12:46,384 --> 00:12:49,885
We'll get you
through this, son.
266
00:12:49,953 --> 00:12:51,887
Now take the phone-y.
267
00:12:53,758 --> 00:12:55,424
[whistling]
Whoo.
268
00:13:01,298 --> 00:13:03,232
Sucks.
[switching channels]
269
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:05,234
Sucks.
270
00:13:05,302 --> 00:13:06,903
Sucks.
271
00:13:06,972 --> 00:13:08,403
[explosion]
272
00:13:08,473 --> 00:13:10,406
M.A.S.H.
273
00:13:10,475 --> 00:13:11,407
[gunfire]
274
00:13:11,476 --> 00:13:13,409
M.A.S.H.
275
00:13:13,478 --> 00:13:14,577
M.A.S.H.
276
00:13:14,646 --> 00:13:16,913
[Lou Grant] Not now. I'm busy.
277
00:13:16,982 --> 00:13:18,581
Mary, you wanted to talk to me?
278
00:13:18,650 --> 00:13:20,316
My office. You got five minutes.
279
00:13:20,386 --> 00:13:21,917
Make it snappy.
280
00:13:21,986 --> 00:13:23,587
I got a meeting with
the station manager.
281
00:13:28,159 --> 00:13:31,428
Mr. Grant,
I've known you
for a long time
282
00:13:31,496 --> 00:13:33,530
and I, uh...
283
00:13:33,599 --> 00:13:36,934
Need a drink.
Fine. I'll join you.
284
00:13:37,003 --> 00:13:39,436
That's exactly what
I want to talk to
you about, Mr. Grant.
285
00:13:39,505 --> 00:13:42,106
Now, I know
you're not going to
want to hear this--
286
00:13:42,174 --> 00:13:44,942
Mary, I assure you,
287
00:13:45,011 --> 00:13:48,613
I'm always willing
to listen to anything
you have to say.
288
00:13:48,681 --> 00:13:51,616
Mine is an open-door policy.
289
00:13:51,684 --> 00:13:55,453
So let me know any time
you want to talk.
290
00:13:55,522 --> 00:13:58,123
Well...
291
00:13:58,191 --> 00:14:00,625
Thank you, Mr. Grant.
292
00:14:00,693 --> 00:14:02,127
Thanks for stopping by.
293
00:14:07,033 --> 00:14:09,768
Oh, Mr. Grant.
294
00:14:11,204 --> 00:14:15,807
Sometimes you
just make me so mad.
295
00:14:15,876 --> 00:14:17,309
All right, Mary.
296
00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:18,910
What do you want
to talk about?
297
00:14:18,978 --> 00:14:22,481
You are ruining
your health, Mr. Grant.
298
00:14:22,549 --> 00:14:28,153
I mean, potato chips, booze,
299
00:14:28,222 --> 00:14:31,656
doughnuts, Mr. Grant.
300
00:14:31,725 --> 00:14:34,392
Six-pack of beer, Mr. Grant.
301
00:14:34,462 --> 00:14:39,364
Pickled pigs feet, Mr. Grant.
302
00:14:39,433 --> 00:14:42,769
Mary, that's
a well-balanced meal.
303
00:14:42,838 --> 00:14:45,171
If you don't start
eating healthy,
304
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:49,109
I'm-- I'm going to
have to quit.
305
00:14:49,177 --> 00:14:52,178
Mary, you wouldn't leave me.
306
00:14:52,247 --> 00:14:55,216
Mary?
307
00:14:55,283 --> 00:14:57,150
Now, Mary, Mary.
308
00:14:57,218 --> 00:14:59,853
Come on, Mary.
309
00:14:59,922 --> 00:15:01,187
Mary, don't cry.
310
00:15:01,255 --> 00:15:05,693
Crying is just so...
hard for me to watch.
311
00:15:08,597 --> 00:15:11,030
I'm sorry, Mr. Grant.
312
00:15:11,099 --> 00:15:12,866
It's just that I--
I'm so upset.
313
00:15:12,935 --> 00:15:16,703
I'm going through
that divorce with Rob!
314
00:15:20,108 --> 00:15:24,245
And they're talking out
about spinning-off
Phyllis and Rhoda!
315
00:15:25,982 --> 00:15:27,547
I'll make a deal
with you, Mr. Grant.
316
00:15:27,616 --> 00:15:33,154
I'll stop crying
if you stop trying
to kill yourself!
317
00:15:33,222 --> 00:15:36,057
Heh heh heh.
318
00:15:36,125 --> 00:15:39,393
You know what, Mary?
319
00:15:39,462 --> 00:15:43,064
You got spunk.
320
00:15:43,132 --> 00:15:45,199
I hate spunk!
321
00:16:00,150 --> 00:16:03,920
Sorry for yelling, Mary.
322
00:16:03,988 --> 00:16:06,121
I'm just not myself today.
323
00:16:09,492 --> 00:16:11,060
[Jackie] Roseanne, we're home!
324
00:16:11,128 --> 00:16:13,596
All right.
Bend your arm.
325
00:16:13,664 --> 00:16:17,400
Honey, bend your arm.
326
00:16:17,469 --> 00:16:20,270
All right, well,
it is a little chilly in here.
327
00:16:20,339 --> 00:16:22,272
There you are.
328
00:16:22,341 --> 00:16:24,141
I see you haven't moved
since I last saw you.
329
00:16:24,209 --> 00:16:26,109
I have so.
330
00:16:26,178 --> 00:16:29,612
I've been in Manhattan,
Minneapolis, and Coco Beach.
331
00:16:29,681 --> 00:16:31,114
Coco Beach?
332
00:16:31,183 --> 00:16:33,950
Roseanne,
I was saving that
Jägermeister
333
00:16:34,019 --> 00:16:35,118
for Thanksgiving.
334
00:16:37,521 --> 00:16:39,288
I'm going to get out of here.
335
00:16:39,356 --> 00:16:40,891
I'm going to go
talk to Dan.
336
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,292
Good.
That's great!
337
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,461
I don't know
if it's great, Jackie.
338
00:16:44,529 --> 00:16:46,964
I spent the last three days
trying not to think about him,
339
00:16:47,032 --> 00:16:49,833
but, you know,
he just keeps popping
into my head.
340
00:16:49,902 --> 00:16:52,303
See, you want him
in your head.
341
00:16:52,372 --> 00:16:54,671
He belongs in your head.
342
00:16:54,740 --> 00:16:55,805
Yeah.
343
00:16:55,874 --> 00:16:57,307
Well, he's in your TV, too.
344
00:16:57,376 --> 00:16:58,341
You should have that checked.
345
00:16:59,545 --> 00:17:00,978
Just stop talking about it
346
00:17:01,047 --> 00:17:02,247
and go before
you change your mind.
347
00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:04,647
He's probably too mad
to even talk to me.
348
00:17:04,716 --> 00:17:06,050
He's stopped calling.
349
00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,886
He's your husband, Roseanne.
He loves you. Go.
350
00:17:08,955 --> 00:17:11,289
Yeah, but maybe
I ought to wash my hair
351
00:17:11,358 --> 00:17:13,024
or something before I go.
352
00:17:13,093 --> 00:17:15,191
Go.
353
00:17:15,260 --> 00:17:17,495
Oh, I know.
354
00:17:17,564 --> 00:17:19,464
I'll just, you know...
355
00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:20,631
This.
356
00:17:21,701 --> 00:17:23,735
Go!
357
00:17:23,803 --> 00:17:25,269
Hey, watch that lotto.
358
00:17:25,338 --> 00:17:27,404
All right. Go.
359
00:17:41,388 --> 00:17:42,486
Hey.
360
00:17:43,724 --> 00:17:45,524
Hey.
361
00:17:52,633 --> 00:17:54,066
Wow.
362
00:17:55,503 --> 00:17:57,503
You're here.
363
00:17:57,572 --> 00:18:01,474
Yeah, well, you hadn't
called in seven minutes,
364
00:18:01,543 --> 00:18:04,277
so I was starting
to get worried.
365
00:18:04,345 --> 00:18:07,714
No, I was busy making dinner.
366
00:18:10,953 --> 00:18:12,819
Well, I figured you'd
be running short on stuff,
367
00:18:12,888 --> 00:18:14,955
so I stopped by the store.
368
00:18:15,023 --> 00:18:19,926
I got you some razors
and some shaving cream
369
00:18:19,995 --> 00:18:25,132
and some air freshener
because they were out
of your deodorant,
370
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:28,668
so I figured you could
just stick this on your back.
371
00:18:37,847 --> 00:18:39,480
I miss you.
372
00:18:41,284 --> 00:18:42,884
I miss you too, Dan.
373
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,820
Well, then, let's fix this.
I know we can do it.
374
00:18:46,889 --> 00:18:49,156
We've always
fixed things before.
375
00:18:49,225 --> 00:18:51,392
I don't know that.
376
00:18:51,461 --> 00:18:54,094
It seems like
we just left them broken
377
00:18:54,163 --> 00:18:55,663
and ignored them.
378
00:19:01,071 --> 00:19:03,138
Something weird happened
tonight, though, Dan.
379
00:19:03,206 --> 00:19:07,008
I went on this kind
of spiritual odyssey
380
00:19:07,077 --> 00:19:09,877
guided by Nick at Night.
381
00:19:09,947 --> 00:19:12,513
Nick at Night.
382
00:19:12,583 --> 00:19:17,218
Yeah, I know it sounds weird,
but I spent the last three days
383
00:19:17,287 --> 00:19:19,488
trying not to think about you
and then just everything
384
00:19:19,557 --> 00:19:22,223
I watched on TV
turned into us.
385
00:19:22,293 --> 00:19:25,260
You know,
Donald and Anne,
386
00:19:25,329 --> 00:19:30,165
Jeannie and Major Nelson.
387
00:19:30,234 --> 00:19:31,633
They got nothing on us, Dan.
388
00:19:31,702 --> 00:19:32,867
I think we're--
389
00:19:32,937 --> 00:19:37,941
we're one of the all-time
great couples.
390
00:19:40,478 --> 00:19:43,012
I'll take better care
of myself, I promise.
391
00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:45,181
Good, because I'm really going
to yell at you if you don't.
392
00:19:45,249 --> 00:19:47,216
Yeah, well...
393
00:19:47,284 --> 00:19:51,553
are you going to yell at me
from here or from Jackie's?
394
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:58,428
It's a lot more fun
from here.
395
00:19:58,497 --> 00:20:01,698
Um...
396
00:20:01,766 --> 00:20:04,534
I'm dying to kiss you.
397
00:20:04,603 --> 00:20:08,238
You think your heart
can take it?
398
00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:11,308
Well, if not, it'll be
a hell of a way to go.
399
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,218
[Man, TV] All of Illinois is holding its breath
400
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:24,621
as we prepare to announce the winning numbers
401
00:20:24,690 --> 00:20:26,424
in our mega lotto game.
402
00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:32,263
At $108 million, this is the largest jackpot
403
00:20:32,331 --> 00:20:34,231
in lotto history.
404
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:37,068
Here come your winning numbers:
405
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:43,074
1, 2, 3...
406
00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:46,911
4, 8...
407
00:20:46,980 --> 00:20:49,781
and 36.
408
00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,117
What?
409
00:20:55,122 --> 00:20:57,490
Those numbers once again are:
410
00:20:57,558 --> 00:21:01,127
1, 2, 3...
411
00:21:01,195 --> 00:21:02,327
Those are mine.
412
00:21:02,396 --> 00:21:05,564
4...
4 is the planets
in the solar system.
413
00:21:05,633 --> 00:21:07,666
8...
8 is the parking tickets.
414
00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:11,136
and 36.
36, the times you salt
the food in the--
415
00:21:15,776 --> 00:21:17,677
[whispering]
Oh, my God.
416
00:21:18,979 --> 00:21:21,113
Oh, my God.
417
00:21:21,181 --> 00:21:22,482
Oh, my God.
418
00:21:22,551 --> 00:21:24,384
We won the lottery.
419
00:21:24,453 --> 00:21:25,951
Oh, my God.
420
00:21:26,019 --> 00:21:28,455
Oh, my God,
we won.
421
00:21:28,523 --> 00:21:30,123
Oh, my God.
422
00:21:30,191 --> 00:21:31,391
I've got--
[gasps]
423
00:21:31,460 --> 00:21:34,261
Oh, my God.
424
00:21:34,329 --> 00:21:36,062
We won the lottery.
425
00:21:36,131 --> 00:21:37,196
Oh, my God.
426
00:21:37,266 --> 00:21:39,666
Oh, my God,
we won the lottery.
427
00:21:39,735 --> 00:21:40,967
Oh, my God.
428
00:21:41,035 --> 00:21:42,435
Oh, my God.
429
00:21:42,504 --> 00:21:44,871
I've got to tell
Roseanne...
the lottery.
430
00:21:44,939 --> 00:21:46,574
Oh, my God.
431
00:21:46,643 --> 00:21:48,174
Come on.
432
00:21:53,416 --> 00:21:55,816
[prattling]
433
00:21:55,884 --> 00:21:57,116
Come on, honey.
434
00:21:57,185 --> 00:21:58,319
Come on, honey.
435
00:21:58,387 --> 00:22:00,587
We're going to go see
Aunt Roseanne.
436
00:22:00,656 --> 00:22:02,989
[crying]
Oh, my God.
437
00:22:04,660 --> 00:22:06,593
[sobbing]
Oh, my God.
438
00:22:06,662 --> 00:22:08,295
We won the lottery!
439
00:22:08,364 --> 00:22:11,299
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
36078
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