Original subtitles

I am sick and tired of being treated like an invalid.

So you're just going to do it, aren't you?

You're just going to go right ahead and harden an artery

right here in my kitchen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's back up here.

You're calling me fat?

Yeah, I'm calling you fat.

Well, if that ain't the big fat pot

calling the kettle black!

You better not be calling me fat.

Well, that's what I'm doing.

Fat, fat, fat!

Fat, fat, fat!

[Both] Fat, fat, fat, fat!

♪ What doesn't kill us is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Then the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

You poor thing.

Dan in one house, you in another.

You must be feeling so lost!

There, there, dear. Hey!

It's all right.

No, it isn't.

Your knock-off Giorgio is making me gag.

I'll pay you no mind, dear.

You're just dehydrated.

I didn't invite her.

I left the window open. She just flew in.

What are you going to do?

Roseanne, it's been three days.

Dan's called here every 20 minutes.

It's so weird.

It's as if I've lost my will to manipulate him.

Well, next time he calls,

you pick up and let him do all the talking.

Just listen.

My marriage is not based on me listening.

You know, now that Jackie is alone

and you and Dan are estranged,

the three of us should live together

like the ladies in Sense and Sensibility.

Me and my spinster daughters.

You know, Mom, Lizzie Borden was a spinster.

Hey. Hey!

That's not a coaster. It's a lottery ticket.

Oh, really?

Well, it's nice you can still dream,

since reality's been so unkind.

Well, it's more Roseanne's ticket.

It's worth about 100 million bucks.

That's a lot of extra toppings.

Well, if you ask me, the lottery is just a scam.

Well, yeah, maybe for all those suckers out there.

But, hey, I devised a system while Dan was in the hospital.

Okay, I picked the number 36

for the number of times I had to salt my food.

And 8 for the number of parking tickets I got

for parking in the ambulance zone.

And then 4 for the number of planets in our solar system.

And then the old tired numbers that Jackie had to pick.

Roseanne, 1, 2, 3 is a classic run.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, everybody. The children.

I brought you a change of clothes.

I also brought you some lighter fluid and matches

so you can burn the ones you're wearing.

Mrs. Conner, Mr. Conner really wishes

he could take back everything he said.

Yeah, well, I wish I could take back shoes after I've worn them.

Look, Mom, whatever you're going through here,

you can easily go through at home.

All she has to do is apologize to Dan.

Apologize to Dan?

Dan should apologize to her.

Well, let's not get into blame here.

This whole thing was just one big misunderstanding.

David, we don't need the touchy-feely right now.

Okay, I really appreciate you all coming over here

to comfort me,

but now that it hasn't worked,

could you leave?

Well, in that case, Happy Meals for everyone!

My treat!

I love Happy Meals.

Well, come on, then.

I'll strap you in your car seat

and we can count little red trucks on the way over.

I'll pick up the kids on the way home.

You want me to bring you back anything?

Well, yeah.

Bring me back one of everything so I can pick.

[switching channels]

Oh, cool.

Hi, honey. How was your day today?

But before you tell me, where's my kiss?

Donald Hollinger, you are five minutes late.

You only get one kiss.

You may change your mind after you see this.

Ooh, champagne, and it's French.

Ooh la la!

Yes siree, Ann. Only the best.

This is a special night.

I have a big surprise for you.

Ann, will you marry me?

Oh, but Donald, I-- I--

Of course you will.

Now, let's open that champagne.

But, Donald, there's so much to think about,

so much to talk about.

I'm just-- I'm just getting my career going.

But don't you want your next role to be

Mrs. Donald Hollinger?

We'll move to a small town, have a few kids.

Every Halloween we'll throw a big, weird party.

But I can't marry you.

I'm-- I'm television's first feminist.

Well, television's first pretty feminist that is,

and I can't cop out and marry you

just because the network can't handle

a single career woman.

Well, I don't understand. We've talked about this.

[door bell rings] Remember that time at the lake?

I think that was the nicest weekend-- Come in.

Dan sent us over with a message.

Well, I'm screening my messages,

so you'll have to stand there till you hear the beep.

What are you doing?

I'm making a film of our dysfunctional family life.

You look terrible, Mom. That's great!

I bought D.J. a six-pack of tapes at Target,

so he made me a producer.

Spell "producer," Mark.

Mark, I'm losing light. Give her the message from Dad.

Mr. Conner knows that you're not ready to go home yet,

so he'd like to meet you on neutered territory.

Neutral territory.

All right.

Anyway, Dan, uh, he's really hurtin'

and he wants you back.

Let me translate that for you, Mark.

That means he can't find the towels

and he's eating directly out of the cans.

I guess that's a wrap.

D.J.

How's your dad holding up anyway?

Terrible.

Worse than me?

Well, I'm not sure.

Does he usually cry when he vacuums?

♪♪ [I Dream of Jeannie theme]

Oh, Master, what is the point of dusting your house

if you are never here?

[sighs]

I have the most boring life in all of Coco Beach.

[boing]

Jeannie!

Jeannie, for your information,

Major Healey and I were orbiting the moon.

Why do you always have to go, Master?

Can they not ever send the monkey?

Jeannie, I command you to send me back.

Not without me.

NASA certainly doesn't need your help and neither do I.

Oh, you do not need my help, Master?

Who do you think it is that takes the Tang stains

out of your spacesuit?

Uhp-- Uhp--

I'm going back to the moon.

And stop always trying to control me.

I do not try to control you, Master.

[boing]

What do you call this?

Oh, all right, maybe I am a little controlling,

but it is only because I miss you.

Hey, I've got an idea.

As soon as I get back from the moon,

we'll go someplace really romantic.

I have a better idea, Master.

[boing] Jeeeean-nie!

[falls roaring]

So, Master, you would not really rather be

with Major Healey now, would you?

What? I-I can't hear you.

[boing] [roar stops]

I said you would not really rather be

with Major Healey now, would you, Master?

Well...

I guess the moon can wait.

[phone ringing]

[answering machine] Hi, it's Jackie.

If this is Dan, please don't leave

a real long message this time.

I have a life, too.

[beep]

[Dan] Roseanne?

I don't know what you're doing or what's going on

or why you can't talk to me.

I'm all out of answers so I'm just going to stop calling.

Bye.

[beep beep]

Great, here comes the telegrams.

[sighs]

God, this is all so strange.

Your mom's not here, your dad's not talking.

Everything is either gone or busted.

Yeah.

A treasure trove of American folk art

destroyed in one afternoon.

Damn it, I can't take this anymore.

Somebody has to talk to your dad.

I'm going in.

Wow, check out the new forceful attitude.

Don't bring it home with you.

Hey, Mr. Conner. Hey, David.

Got the, uh, disposal fixed there, huh?

That must give you a great sense of satisfaction.

Well, it doesn't quite put the bounce in your step

that cleaning the gutters does, but it ain't bad.

Listen, Mr. Conner, this...thing with you and Mrs. Conner?

Um...I know it must be awful.

I mean, I find in my marriage that the highs are great...

soaring...highs.

And-- And the lows... uh, suck.

I mean, my wife and I have been through Hell's fire and I am here to tell you--

David, you've been married eight days.

Yeah.

But to Darlene.

Point and match.

So, if there's anything we can do for you,

anything, we're here for you.

We're here for you, Dad.

[grumbling]

David, what did I tell you about climbing on Dad?

Sorry.

You want a diet soda?

Sure.

[sighs]

So, did you hear from Mom yet?

Listen, Darlene, I don't want you kids worrying about this,

what with the baby coming and all.

Your mom and I will work this out.

Oh, I know you will.

I mean, what are your options here?

No point in getting divorced

because there's nothing of value to divide.

God knows there's no one else out there

for either one of you.

Face it, you guys are stuck with each other.

[phone ringing]

Oh, I'll get that!

Hello?

Yeah, hold on just a second.

David, it's for you.

Oh, Mr. Conner, I'm-- I'm sorry.

That should've been for you.

We'll get you through this, son.

Now take the phone-y.

[whistling] Whoo.

Sucks. [switching channels]

Sucks.

Sucks.

[explosion]

M.A.S.H.

[gunfire]

M.A.S.H.

M.A.S.H.

[Lou Grant] Not now. I'm busy.

Mary, you wanted to talk to me?

My office. You got five minutes.

Make it snappy.

I got a meeting with the station manager.

Mr. Grant, I've known you for a long time

and I, uh...

Need a drink. Fine. I'll join you.

That's exactly what I want to talk to you about, Mr. Grant.

Now, I know you're not going to want to hear this--

Mary, I assure you,

I'm always willing to listen to anything you have to say.

Mine is an open-door policy.

So let me know any time you want to talk.

Well...

Thank you, Mr. Grant.

Thanks for stopping by.

Oh, Mr. Grant.

Sometimes you just make me so mad.

All right, Mary.

What do you want to talk about?

You are ruining your health, Mr. Grant.

I mean, potato chips, booze,

doughnuts, Mr. Grant.

Six-pack of beer, Mr. Grant.

Pickled pigs feet, Mr. Grant.

Mary, that's a well-balanced meal.

If you don't start eating healthy,

I'm-- I'm going to have to quit.

Mary, you wouldn't leave me.

Mary?

Now, Mary, Mary.

Come on, Mary.

Mary, don't cry.

Crying is just so... hard for me to watch.

I'm sorry, Mr. Grant.

It's just that I-- I'm so upset.

I'm going through that divorce with Rob!

And they're talking out about spinning-off Phyllis and Rhoda!

I'll make a deal with you, Mr. Grant.

I'll stop crying if you stop trying to kill yourself!

Heh heh heh.

You know what, Mary?

You got spunk.

I hate spunk!

Sorry for yelling, Mary.

I'm just not myself today.

[Jackie] Roseanne, we're home!

All right. Bend your arm.

Honey, bend your arm.

All right, well, it is a little chilly in here.

There you are.

I see you haven't moved since I last saw you.

I have so.

I've been in Manhattan, Minneapolis, and Coco Beach.

Coco Beach?

Roseanne, I was saving that Jägermeister

for Thanksgiving.

I'm going to get out of here.

I'm going to go talk to Dan.

Good. That's great!

I don't know if it's great, Jackie.

I spent the last three days trying not to think about him,

but, you know, he just keeps popping into my head.

See, you want him in your head.

He belongs in your head.

Yeah.

Well, he's in your TV, too.

You should have that checked.

Just stop talking about it

and go before you change your mind.

He's probably too mad to even talk to me.

He's stopped calling.

He's your husband, Roseanne. He loves you. Go.

Yeah, but maybe I ought to wash my hair

or something before I go.

Go.

Oh, I know.

I'll just, you know...

This.

Go!

Hey, watch that lotto.

All right. Go.

Hey.

Hey.

Wow.

You're here.

Yeah, well, you hadn't called in seven minutes,

so I was starting to get worried.

No, I was busy making dinner.

Well, I figured you'd be running short on stuff,

so I stopped by the store.

I got you some razors and some shaving cream

and some air freshener because they were out of your deodorant,

so I figured you could just stick this on your back.

I miss you.

I miss you too, Dan.

Well, then, let's fix this. I know we can do it.

We've always fixed things before.

I don't know that.

It seems like we just left them broken

and ignored them.

Something weird happened tonight, though, Dan.

I went on this kind of spiritual odyssey

guided by Nick at Night.

Nick at Night.

Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but I spent the last three days

trying not to think about you and then just everything

I watched on TV turned into us.

You know, Donald and Anne,

Jeannie and Major Nelson.

They got nothing on us, Dan.

I think we're--

we're one of the all-time great couples.

I'll take better care of myself, I promise.

Good, because I'm really going to yell at you if you don't.

Yeah, well...

are you going to yell at me from here or from Jackie's?

It's a lot more fun from here.

Um...

I'm dying to kiss you.

You think your heart can take it?

Well, if not, it'll be a hell of a way to go.

[Man, TV] All of Illinois is holding its breath

as we prepare to announce the winning numbers

in our mega lotto game.

At $108 million, this is the largest jackpot

in lotto history.

Here come your winning numbers:

1, 2, 3...

4, 8...

and 36.

What?

Those numbers once again are:

1, 2, 3...

Those are mine.

4... 4 is the planets in the solar system.

8... 8 is the parking tickets.

and 36. 36, the times you salt the food in the--

[whispering] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

We won the lottery.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, we won.

Oh, my God.

I've got-- [gasps]

Oh, my God.

We won the lottery.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, we won the lottery.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I've got to tell Roseanne... the lottery.

Oh, my God.

Come on.

[prattling]

Come on, honey.

Come on, honey.

We're going to go see Aunt Roseanne.

[crying] Oh, my God.

[sobbing] Oh, my God.

We won the lottery!

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA