Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's going to stop me now

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

I, I hear them. I hear them.

Okay, okay, uh...

Open the door.

Surprise!

Okay, now, hold it right there.

I want to preserve this moment for posteriors.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Okay, Cousin Larry, give me energy!

Yeah, and Jennifer, lick your lips.

Okay. Beautiful.

Now, give me something completely different.

Come on, somethin' wacky.

Balki, uh, uh...

(STAMMERING) Balki, what is, what is this all about?

And why is there produce on the wall?

What is this all about?

(LAUGHS)

Does the word "Six phases of the moon"

mean anything to you?

(LAUGHS)

Or do you wanna just keep getting out there

and sowin' your mild goats?

(LAUGHS)

What are you talking about?

I'll give you a hint.

It's been six phases of the moon

since you and Jennifer got engaged

so according to Myposian custom

tonight's the night you set the wedding date.

Whoo-hoo!

Well, well, well, Jennifer and I

weren't planning on setting a date just yet.

But, but, cousin, you're, you're 1/64th Myposian.

I, I just assumed you were going

to be following Myposian custom.

Uh, Larry and I decided to follow American custom.

Oh.

Well, so, so I guess you won't be walking

down the aisle on your hands?

Well, I don't think it's an American custom

to get engaged and never set a wedding date.

Well, nobody said anything

about never setting a wedding date.

So, go ahead.

Go ahead what? Go ahead and set a date.

Well, uh...

Well, uh... (STUTTERS) All right.

Uh, I mean, yeah, let's, let's go ahead

and, and, and, and, uh, and, uh...

Let's, let's do it!

Uh, unless there's some reason

Why wouldn't I want to?

Uh, uh, shall we begin with the month?

Uh, no problem.

Uh, well, uh, July...

Okay, July.

J... U...

L...

July, August, September and October are out

uh, because, uh...

My allergies act up. I...

I don't want to be sneezing through the ceremony.

Oh.

Okay, fine, cousin, just fine.

Uh, uh, November through January are no good for me.

I have a very, uh, tight flight schedule

and we wouldn't have time for honeymoon.

And the weather's no good in, uh, February or March.

My birthday's in April.

Mine's in May.

June.

June?

Well, uh...

Uh, June is good for me.

You like June?

I love June. June would be great.

Is it warm in here? I...

Okay, here we go.

J... U...

I never should have erased the J and the U from July.

N... E!

Okay, now! You each have to have a piece of cake.

Jennifer, you go first

because the bride is first.

(HUMMING THE WEDDING MARCH)

I can't eat anything.

(STUTTERS) I'm not, I'm not feeling well.

I really think I have to go now.

You know, every time somebody

starts talking about the wedding you get sick.

I think I know what your problem is.

You're not getting enough protein.

(LAUGHS)

Well, huh, well...

Huh, huh, nervous bride.

Ever seen somebody so nervous about a wedding?

Yeah.

You.

Oh! I'm not nervous.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, you're right, cousin. You're not nervous.

Uh, you're more scared than nervous.

What, scared?

Don't be crazy!

I know you like I know my way to the bathroom.

I know you when you're scared.

And you have all these classical symptoms.

The compulsive eating...

Was I eating?

The nervous leg twitch...

Was my leg twitching?

And everything you say is in the form of a question.

It is?

Yes. Are you sure?

Yes. Is that bad?

Yes.

Is there ice cream to go with this cake?

Oh, God.

Balki, Balki, I don't have to be scared.

I mean, I love Jennifer.

Jennifer loves me!

We're gonna live happily ever after.

(PANTING)

Don't you think?

Well, of course I... Well, of course you don't.

Neither do I.

charming man and after we're married

she's gonna realize she is married to me.

She's gonna be miserable.

Don't you think?

(PANTING)

Oh, cousin, I...

Balki...

I'm just afraid of losing her.

I'm afraid that after we're married

she'll leave me and I'll lose her anyway.

What am I gonna do?

The two of you could take the Nupitiki-S-A-tiki.

The Nupitiki-S-A-tiki?

Yeah.

The Myposian marriage test.

Oh, Balki. Balki, I... Now, cousin, no, no, no.

Now, listen, this test can determine

whether or not a marriage should take place

beyond a shadow of a snout.

Balki, no stupid Myposian test

is, uh, gonna guarantee a, a happy marriage.

Now, cousin, cousin, look.

Cousin, I am offering you the opportunity

to, to make sure that you have a happy marriage.

Now, you cannot keep indefinitely postponing this.

Sooner or later you're going to have to mate or cut bait.

Now why you don't get on the phone and call Jennifer

and find out how she feels about taking the test.

All right. All right. I'll, I'll call her.

But just to prove that, that she thinks

this is as stupid as I do.

Yeah, yeah, hello? Uh, Jennifer?

Oh, listen, I, I know this sounds silly

but Balki says that he has a test that can prove

whether or not our marriage will work.

Now I know. I told him that no...

Hello? Hello? She hung up.

Now, she's angry at me

just because I even mentioned the test.

Balki, I want to take that test right now.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

All right, just a few more questions and we'll be finished.

Jennifer, I believe it's your turn.

Um, Jennifer

would you be angry

if Cousin Larry was working late

and he didn't call you and therefore

the pig snout that you prepared for dinner was ruined?

Well, that's a difficult question, Balki.

I know how involved Larry can get with his work

so, I guess I would understand if he forgot to call me

once or twice but if it happened all the time

I suppose I would get angry?

Well, good answer! Good answer!

Isn't that a good answer, Balki?

Cousin, as I've explained before

there are no good or bad answers.

I am developing a picture of the couple

based on their responses and scoring those responses

on a scale designed to reflect

their overall compatibility.

This test, um, this test has been

developed over a number of years.

It is not a game and I think we should remember that.

Okay. Uh, cousin, I believe you're next.

Uh, pick up the apples, please.

And juggle.

(STAMMERING) Wait a minute. I don't understand.

For the last hour, uh, Jennifer has been answering

reasonably intelligent questions

and I've been playing "Double Dare."

Are you, uh,

No! No, no! No, no, no!

It's, uh, uh, juggle? Yeah, no, no, it's fine.

Uh, no problem.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Stand on one foot.

Close your eyes.

All right, now no one can juggle with their eyes closed.

I'm sorry, I believe I simply said, "Close your eyes."

I don't believe I said anything about juggling.

about standing on, uh, one foot wrong too?

Sit down, please. Put the apples away.

Cousin, as I explained before there is no right and wrong.

Were you not listening?

Larry was listening.

He-he's a very good listener.

Fine, the test is finished.

Oh, God. I hope we passed.

Honey, your answers were, were wonderful.

And, and I did 125 push-ups.

Sixty. Well, so what did we score?

Eighty, ninety? Three. Your score is three.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

I skipped rope with a book on my head and we got a three?

It's my fault.

Jennifer, uh, Cousin Larry,

I, uh, I really feel like babasticki.

I never would have asked you to take the test

if I thought you would do so badly.

I sucked a lemon

And we get a three?

(STUTTERS) Well, so what?

I mean, even if the test means something

and I'm not saying that it does,

uh, Balki probably didn't even give the test right.

I beg to back issue with you.

I know how to administer this test.

I happen to be a licensed Nupitiki Doctor Ruthiki.

A Nupitiki Doctor Ruthiki?

That's a Myposian marriage counselor.

You're a Myposian marriage counselor?

That is correct. What do you do?

Start with shaky sheep marriages and work your way up to people?

Sheep don't have problem with their marriages.

Pigs, on the other hand, often have problems with commitment.

That's why they call them pigs.

Balki, uh, I have to agree with Larry.

I mean, just because the test has never been wrong before

doesn't mean it can't be wrong now.

And just because you've given the test before

Well, that's the kind of talk I, I like to hear.

I mean, so we'll still get married.

We'll take the test again.

We'll take a year, two years tops.

We'll study, we'll pass the test

and we'll get married two years from June.

Right, Jennifer?

Right, right!

Oh! Oh, uh, Larry.

Uh, I just remembered.

my father was going to retire.

See, he and my mother are gonna buy a Winnebago

and travel across the country.

Well, oh, well, we'll just start planning

when they get back.

Uh, two years,

uh-uh, uh, until his retirement

and say, uh, two years in a Winnebago

a year of planning, well, we're looking at,

uh, June, five years from now.

Uh, does that work for you, Jennifer?

Five years. I can wait five years.

I mean, after all, what's five years

when your marriage is doomed anyway?

Oh, it's, it's gonna be all right.

I think I can help.

How?

Well, it's a longshot

but I think your only hope of happiness

is for both of you to take

the Nupitiki Spic 'n Spanakopita.

The Nupitiki Spic 'n Spanakopita?

The Myposian marriage cleansing ritual.

Now it will either make you compatible

or remove the waxy buildup from your linoleum.

But either way it's gonna make a big difference in your lives.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Jennifer, are you sure you want to go through

with this purification ritual?

We've got to, Larry.

Balki, that's a very interesting medallion.

I may be wrong but it...

Looks like it's in the shape of a lamb chop.

Well, that's very observant of you, Jennifer.

Actually, it's the shape of the island of Mypos.

Um, my little village, Podunki, is right here

in the gristle area and...

Over here in the tenderloin

is Six Flags over Mypos.

Well, the stone is very beautiful.

that is preventing you from having a happy marriage

and if purification takes place

and I'm not making any promises

the color will become lighter

and lighter until it is just

as clear and pure as your love for each other.

Okay, that's it.

I am not letting my future be determined

by some madman wearing a mood lamb chop.

Larry, I think we should try the ritual.

All right.

Then let the purification begin.

(HUMMING)

Uh-oh. Still blue. It didn't work.

I did my best to purify you

but, uh, I'm afraid your marriage is doomed.

Out of the pool, please.

Out of the pool, please, please.

I'm not even sure you two should even be friends.

Our marriage is still doomed?

Larry, why did you even let us try this stupid ritual?

Well, you're the one who forced us into this.

Well, you're the one who couldn't set a date

because you're so, you're so...

Afraid. Afraid.

Cousin, she just said you were afraid.

How does that make you feel?

Afraid.

You'll realize that I'm not the charming

sophisticated man you thought I was.

And Jennifer?

Well, I'm afraid that once we're married you'll

Find out I'm not perfect.

I mean look at you. Uh...

You've never looked so awful and...

And I've never loved you so much.

Oh, Larry.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

I love you too. Well, what about the test?

Well, I don't care if the test said

we don't belong together.

I don't care if a million tests

say we don't belong together.

I want to marry you, Jennifer.

Larry, I want to marry you.

Well, then let's get married.

Okay, uh, when?

Tonight.

Tonight's no good.

Oh, God.

How about, uh... September?

All right, September.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

There, we're getting married this year

and-and nothing's gonna stop us.

So, what do you say to that, Mr. Myposian marriage counselor?

You just passed the Myposian marriage test

with flying colors.

What?

(LAUGHS) Cousin...

Everybody fails the first part.

We make sure of that.

and then, and then if the people still want to be married

to each other then we know that

they have a really deep commitment

and that they will live happily ever after.

Well, you mean we would have failed no matter what we did?

We took mud in the face for nothing?

No, no, cousin, it wasn't for nothing.

It was to prove to you that you two

have nothing to be afraid of.

Well, Balki, thank you for helping us see that.

Yeah. Thanks, buddy.

Oh, you know, I guess I did kind of

do a pretty good job if I must say so myself.

Well, so, this is what couples have to go through on Mypos?

Well, uh, to, to, to some extent. Yeah.

What do you mean, "To some extent?"

Well, we usually make do with a written test

and some verbal abuse

and a carefully monitored psychodrama.

But, uh, since no one on Mypos

is quite as neurotic as you two

Special touches?

You know, Balki...

Words cannot express

what we feel right now.

Isn't that right, Jennifer?

Oh, no, they can't.

Oh, come on, you guys, I love you!

Uh, you don't owe me anything. Oh, well...

Oh, yes, we do.

Oh, you two!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)