Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC)

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder the wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

BALKI: Look at this, Ms. Lydia.

I'm running for Student Body President

at the Chicago City College.

Ah! Balki, that's terrific.

Yeah. How's it going?

Oh, just as sleazy as pie.

Just like campaigning on Mypos.

All you have to do is make sure

that everyone knows how you feel

about the important issues.

that I'm pro-sheep and anti-wolf.

Coming out against wolves

is a good start, Balki.

But, uh, maybe you should ask Larry to help you.

Yeah.

that I'm, that I'm running.

Oh, well, if you tell him, I'm sure he'd help you

with your campaign, why don't you ask him?

(CHUCKLES) Well, because if I, uh

if I ask Cousin Larry to help me

with my campaign, um, I'm sort of afraid

Cousin Larry will help me

with my campaign.

Uh, I don't know if you've noticed

but Cousin Larry

he's trying to be helpful

but-but he tends to go overboard.

He's kind of a type-A personality.

So, I-I-I beg of you

please, promise me, you won't tell Cousin Larry?

A team of wild horses couldn't drag it out of me.

Thank you, Ms. Lydia.

Of course, the sweaty cowboy pulling the reins

might have a shot.

Hi, Balki.

Oh, I see you're running

for Student Body President.

Oh, good luck with your campaign--

no matter what you do, there is absolutely

no way that I'm...

What did you just say?

I said, "Good luck with your campaign."

Well, bang my bongos and call me Daisy.

You mean to say that, that you're not gonna force yourself

into my campaign and, and then go overboard

and make yourself a royal pain in the boingi?

Oh!

Oh, I see.

I see, you think because I lost

every campaign I managed in school

that I would see your campaign as my last chance

to be a winner.

You lost every single campaign?

Uh, it used to bother me, but I'm over it.

Those 120 hours of self-help tapes cured me.

to win just once.

So...good luck.

I hope you win.

Wait one finger-lickin' moment.

Are you telling me that we can discuss this

and your eyes won't bulge out of your head

and that vein in your forehead won't start throbbing?

Oh, sure. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that syndrome is covered in tapes

one through 43,

"Coping and being at peace with your body."

"My body is like a hollow reed.

Troubles blow through me like the wind."

(INHALES)

(WHISTLES)

Okay. Uh, well, cousin, I...

I'm glad you've weathered that storm

because I'd love to tell you about my campaign.

Well, I'd love to hear about it.

Well, um, if I'm elected

my goal is to reinstate the language requirement.

That means every student have to

take a foreign language to graduate.

I feel that we'll all understand each other better

if we can speak in another man's tongue,

walk in another man's shoes

see the world through another man's binoculars,

cure another man's ham...

I'm still fine-tuning my platform.

You call that a platform? Okay, here it is!

I knew it was coming!

(SPEAKING MYPOSIAN)

No, wait, no. I know. I know.

You thought that I was just gonna jump in and go crazy

but I was only asking, if that's your platform.

And if it is...

...I hope it works for you.

Really? Really.

Aw, thank you, cousin.

I haven't even started baking

my special election spleen chip cookies.

Spleen chip cookies? Yeah, original recipe.

And now with pimentos.

Well, well...

You know, Balki, uh, I don't want you to think

that I'm getting involved in your campaign

because I'm not. Really.

But as a disinterested bystander,

uh, would you allow me to say that spleen chip cookies

are not gonna be enough to, to get you elected.

Well, of course they're not.

Don't be ridiculous.

That's why each student gets a special

"Vote for Balki" sheep kidney coin pouch.

Oh, no, no. Don't touch, cousin.

It's not quite dry yet.

Balki, sheep kidney coin pouches and spleen chip cookies

with or without pimentos, may work on Mypos

but in America, you need slogans

buttons, posters, position papers.

We have got to set up meetings with the voters.

We're gonna have to, did I say "We?"

Because I meant "You." You.

This is your campaign. Not mine. I wouldn't do it.

(CHUCKLES) I put all that behind me.

(CHUCKLES) No, no way. No how.

Not in a million years.

Don't need it, don't want it,

wouldn't do it,

not this guy.

You want in, don't you, cousin?

Please, please, please.

Okay, okay. You can be my campaign manager.

Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

But you have to promise me one thing.

Anything. You won't go overboard.

I promise I won't go overboard.

Oh.

(DRUM BEATS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Balki, I'm glad you're here.

Let me show you around campaign headquarters.

You promised me, you were not going to go overboard.

And here you are

scraping barnacles off the Titanic!

Balki, this is just a bare minimum.

We have posters with your picture

we're putting up all over campus.

We have people calling students

urging them to vote for you.

We have volunteers stuffing campaign literature

into envelopes.

"Dear fellow student..." No time now.

You can read what you said later.

Have you noticed

how handsome you look in the poster?

Oh, cousin, it's a real Kojak moment.

Now, over here, we are tallying

the latest results of a poll we've just taken.

I want to know how much of a lead I have built for you.

I'm good, Balki. I am really good.

Balki, this is so exciting.

And I'm gonna be First Girlfriend.

I've recruited Jennifer and Mary Anne

Oh, I'm gonna speak on your behalf

at the women in College Foundation.

And I'm talking to the cheerleaders.

I speak their language.

Give me a B! ALL: B!

Give me an A! ALL: A!

Give me an L! ALL: L!

That's good. Save it, save it, save it for the rally.

Cousin, are all of these people

going to stay to dinner?

and you know how hard it is to stretch snout.

Balki, they're not staying for dinner.

These are your campaign working volunteers.

They believe in you. They love you.

(CHUCKLES)

Now, your job is just to be yourself.

Just...be Balki.

You think you can handle that? Well, of course I can.

Don't be ridiculous.

I've got the vest, the accent

and 26 years of experience.

I knew you could do it.

Oh, cousin, I'm gonna need your advice.

You've got to tell me which vest do you think

I should wear to the debate.

What debate?

the day before the election, isn't that great?

No debate! No debate! Debates are a big mistake.

But, cousin, don't you think it's a good way

to show the students how I feel about the issues?

I've got that covered. Don't worry about it.

Have I told you how good I am?

Twice. Okay.

you'll be meeting with the football team.

You'll tell them how important you think sports are

to the school's image, got it?

Okay, then at 10:30, you'll be meeting with the science club.

You'll tell them, you think education is important

and too much of the school's budget is spent on sports.

Got it? Too much on sports. Got it.

Okay, at noon, you'll be meeting with the fraternities.

You'll tell them, you think entirely too much time

is being spent in the classroom

Too much fraternity.

meeting with the Honor Society.

not to party, and you're pushing for Saturday classes, got it?

Okay, cousin, small, small question

from a simple Mypiot boy.

This looks like I'm just telling everyone what they want to hear.

Welcome to politics.

I am so proud of you.

Now, cousin, just hold on a moment.

Are you asking me to do something dishonest?

But, Balki, you want to

Yes. Well, to do that.

You're gonna have to get elected Student Body President

and I am the man to help you do it.

Cousin, I think I can make my position

on all the issues clear at the debate.

No debate! Forget the debate!

First rule of campaigning, do not debate!

Uh, Larry I have the results of the latest poll.

Attention! Attention, everybody!

Go ahead, Jennifer. Give them the good news.

Cousin, I-- Uh, Larry, I think we should--

Balki, for the last time, no debate! No debate!

Go ahead, Jennifer.

Tell them how far Balki is ahead.

Balki is trailing by fifteen points.

You're gonna have to debate your opponent.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Balki, for the last time

you are not going to wear

the traditional Myposian election hat!

BALKI: Oh, is that so, is that?

Give it to me! No!

Give it to me! No!

Give it to me!

(BABBLING)

(PANTING)

Jennifer, Mary Anne

Balki is ready for the mock debate.

I've groomed him, I've prepared him.

It's taken five years off my life.

(SOBBING)

Oh, ladies...

the next Student Body President

of Chicago City College

Balki Bartokomous.

(APPLAUSE)

Oh, Balki, you look so handsome in that suit.

It needs a hat.

It doesn't need a hat.

Okay, ladies, take your seats.

Now, Balki...

(PANTING)

Remember, ahem, presentation is key...

Right.

...to winning the debate.

Well, what do we do to improve our presentation?

Um... Oh! Oh!

I don't rest my hands on the podium.

It makes me look lazy.

And, uh... Uh, and... Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Oh! And I don't fidget with my tie.

It, uh, it makes me look, uh, nervous.

Uh-huh. What else?

Heck if I know.

(GRUNTS)

Oh! I never use the phrase, "Heck if I know."

It makes me sound, it makes me sound chloroformed.

Uninformed. Uninformed.

Uninformed. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

And...

Ee...

Oh! Uh, remember to smile. Okay, good.

Good, good. All right. Okay.

Jennifer, ask the first question.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Mr. Bartokomous... Uh-huh?

What is your position on the financing

of student loans?

Student loans?

Boy, I wish I had a hat.

Balki! Okay, okay, okay.

Mr. Bartokomous, what is your position

on the financing of student loans?

Jennifer, uh, uh, I'm glad you asked me that question

because the financing of student loans

um, is an issue that deserves my attention

and, uh, and, uh, let me assure you

that my attention is what it will receive

in its complete and unabridged form.

Uh, and the financing of student loans

is actually part of, uh, of my...

...ten point program for better schooling.

Yes, Balki, you are doing great!

Oh! Ah! Ah!

Smile.

Larry, I have to talk to you, I have something to tell you

that's going to upset you.

You've changed your mind.

You're not gonna marry me?

That's awful! You didn't tell me that!

That's not the bad news.

Well, maybe not to you, but think of poor Larry.

Larry, the bad...

Oh!

The bad news is the athletes found out

They've switched their votes to Balki's opponent.

All right, I thought this might happen

I gotta tell Balki.

Come on, Mary Anne, we better take our seats.

You know, it's a good thing Larry has this campaign

to take his mind off the broken engagement.

Balki?

The athletes have decided to change their votes

to your opponent.

Well, people change their minds.

Pigs, on the other hand, make one decision

and stick with it.

(SNORTS)

Balki, don't you understand?

we're going to lose the election.

Now I have an easy fix, all we have to do is

lose the language thing and they'll switch back to us.

Cousin, wait a minute. Are you...

You know sometimes, I think

you're just a few grapes shy of a bunch.

Have you been listening?

I cannot lose the language thing.

I cannot give that up.

Balki, your goal is to get elected.

Tell them what they want to hear.

Cousin, isn't that just a bit dishonest?

It's the American way.

But won't the students mind?

Mind? They expect it!

Wait a minute...

Uh, preceding the debate

there will be an opening statement

by each candidate.

Uh, Mr. Bartokomous, we're ready for your opening statement.

Uh, thank you, my fair chair lady

faculty and my worthy opponent

and students.

My name is Balki Bartokomous

of the students, for the students

by the students.

Ah! Ah!

Ee...

Uh, if elected, I promise

to be firm, yet flexible

tough, yet vulnerable

soft, yet absorbent.

I would like to establish a kinder, gentler cafeteria.

(APPLAUSE)

We will now open the floor

to questions for Mr. Bartokomous.

Uh, yes, in the pink angora.

My name is Lisa Morgan. Mr. Bar--

Hi, Lisa!

Hi.

Mr. Bartokomous

you said you wanted to be the Education President.

But when you spoke in front of the fraternities

you said education was overrated.

Where do you stand?

because where I stand

uh, deserves my attention.

And I can assure you that where I stand

'will receive my attention'

in its complete and unabridged form.

Good answer. Um, wait a minute.

That doesn't seem to make any sense to--

What about the rumor that you want us to take

some dumb language before we graduate?

I'm glad you asked that question

because I cannot lie to you.

Now, let me just-- Uh, uh, yes. Uh...

He has another engagement.

that, uh, if elected...

Cousin, please.

Please, I have to do this.

Listen, if you're going to vote for me

you've got to know who I am

and what I really believe in.

My name is Balki Bartokomous

and I'm a sheepherder from Mypos.

And yes, if I am elected I do intend

to reinstate the language requirement.

(BOOING)

I lost, Balki.

I lost big.

You know, I wanted to win just once.

Cousin, would you please stop this?

You did not lose.

I lost. I lost. I did.

I lost the election.

You're right, Balki.

You're the big loser.

And don't you forget it.

I can't believe you're taking this so well.

You lost.

I didn't get elected president

but I got what I wanted.

My opponent thought

that reinstating the language requirement

was a good idea and she's gonna push for it.

And that makes you happy?

Happy?

I'm erratic!

Oh, God! Oh, goodness!

I lost again! Oh, no.

I've lost 13 student elections

and the last one I wasn't even a student!

Okay. Oh, God.

Okay, here we go, tape number one.

I can't belie...

"My body is a hollow reed.

"Trouble blows through me like the wind."

(WHISTLES)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)