Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feelin'

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart

And a long-lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standin' tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

How's the English homework coming, Balki?

Oh, it's coming along real good.

Well, paint me gold and call me Oscar.

I thought you said you'd never eat Myposian food again

after you found out I make my shoo-fly pie

with real shoes and real flies.

This is Myposian food?

Yes, it's Moon Chados Stiki Chiki Bizzi Buzz Buzz.

Moon Chados Stiki Chiki Bizzi Buzz Buzz?

That means honey glazed chicken.

That's all this is, honey glazed chicken?

That's all it is.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

of the honey with the tartness of yak bile.

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Oh, Larry, I have to talk to you.

Well, Jennifer, what's wrong?

I have terrible news.

My mother's coming to town and she wants to meet you.

Well, Jennifer, I'd love to meet your mother.

But, Larry, you don't understand.

Well, then she'll like Cousin Larry.

Balki, you're not helping. What?

Larry, I'd marry you even if Mother didn't like you

but it would be so much better if she did.

Then I wouldn't have to defend you all the time.

Jennifer, don't worry. You forget, I'm a reporter.

A wordsmith, a weaver of verbal magic.

I'll make your mother think

then we'll be married and the truth won't matter.

Well, you're right.

I mean, what was I so worried about?

Oh, Larry, what could Mother possibly find wrong with you?

I mean, you're not at all like the other men I used to date.

You're not always stopping to sign autographs

like the baseball player.

Not always being called away like the heart surgeon.

Not always being summoned to the White House

like the Congressman.

like the football player.

Oh, Larry, I feel much better.

Now, don't worry. Your mother is gonna love me.

Bye, Larry.

Bye, bye.

Her mother hated a Congressman!

Why did you do that? Cousin, I had no choice.

You know how these things always end.

You jump to absurd conclusions.

You paint an outlandish picture of what your life would be like.

You get hysterical, you start to diaper-ventilate

and then who has to slap you

Well, tonight I don't have time for the full-length version.

I've got participles dangling over there

so, I just cut to the chase.

Balki, don't you see what's happening here?

Cousin, don't make me do this.

Balki, her mother hated a big-league ball player.

I didn't get a hit in three years of Little League!

Cousin, I'm gonna... Just don't make me do this.

Balki, I am doomed. I don't have a prayer.

A prayer, that's it!

No, that's not it. All the world loves a clown!

I'll become a clown!

You're right.

Oh, po, po, po, po.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Bartokomous.

I told you before,

all letters from my ex-wife

are supposed to be filed...here.

I'm sorry, Mr. Gorpley.

Usually her letters come through the window tied to a brick.

I better get that.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, hi, Jennifer!

No, Cousin Larry's not here.

Uh, I don't know why he's never around

when your life is falling apart.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Bye.

Bad news for Appleton?

I love bad news.

Well, then you're in for a treat.

Jennifer's mother is coming to town earlier than expected

and so Cousin Larry has to have dinner with them

tonight instead of Thursday

and I, I hope he don't get too upset.

He don't adjust to change very well.

Yeah, well, if you were any kind of Sports Department

you'd give more coverage to American Gladiators.

Jerks.

Hey, Appleton, your girlfriend called.

You two are having dinner with her mother tonight.

Tonight?

Oh! Cousin! Cousin! Are you all right?

Oh. Well.

Of course, he's all right.

He landed on his head.

I think I'm all right. I... Ow!

Cousin, where does it hurt? Ow!

Who are you?

Cousin, do you remember me?

I don't remember anything.

Nothing? Nothing.

Then you owe me 20 bucks.

I'll just take it out of your wallet.

I have to get him to the hospital.

I can get to the hospital myself.

How do I get outta here? Oh, cousin.

I'll take you to the hospital myself.

Where did you say it hurts? Well, I... Ouch!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Is your, is your, is your headache gone?

Yes.

Okay.

Your name is Cousin Larry Appleton.

Cousin Larry Appleton.

Now you. U-uh-huh!

My name is Cousin Larry Appleton.

Relax the jaw, relax the jaw.

My name is Cousin Larry Appleton.

BOTH: Cousin Larry Appleton.

Hello, my name is Cousin Larry Appleton...

Hello, my name is Cousin...

BOTH: Larry Appleton.

How are you? Fine.

No.

You think my own name would sound familiar?

Well, Cousin, don't worry about the, the...

The doctor said your own memory will, will come back in,

in just a, a few hours.

He, he X-rayed your head and found nothing.

He said, he said you're fine, you're just fine.

You've never been better except you don't know

who you are from a hole in the ground.

My name is...

BOTH: Cousin Larry Appleton.

Good, good, and relaxing the jaw.

My name is Cousin...

Hello. Hello.

BOTH: My name is Cousin Larry Appleton.

How are you?

Fine. No.

I, I know my name, but I, I don't know anything else.

I don't know where I, I live

or where I work, I mean...

Tell me about me.

Oh, where does one begin?

You were born in Madison, Wisconsin.

You live in this apartment.

I'm your best friend.

You work at the Chicago Chronicle

and, when you think no one is listening

you gargle to the tune of Moon River.

I gargle to the tune of Moon River?

Yeah.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I think I'm starting to remember. Do we...

Do we work with a man named, named Mr., Mr., Mr. Porkly?

Uh, Mr., Mr. Headley? No, just, just...

Mr. Gorpley. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, oh, yeah, and, and, and...

I'm Larry Appleton? Yes.

Yes! Oh, of course you know.

Oh, your memory bank is no longer overdrawn. This is wonderful.

Oh! Oh!

Phew, what a relief.

Cousin, so good to have you back.

Oh, it is good to be back.

I love strong coffee.

Well, I know you do.

Well.

Oh, boy, I... I must have taken quite a spill?

(CHUCKLES) For a minute there, I couldn't remember anything.

Oh, born in Madison, I work at the Chronicle.

Gargle to Moon River. (CHUCKLES) It's all back.

Oh, boy!

The human brain is one amazing little gizmo.

Sugar?

Who are you and why are you calling me "Sugar?"

(SOBBING)

Lost what?

Who am I?

Who are you?

Is there some reason you're dressed like the Cisco Kid?

I'm trying to make a fashion statement.

Well, I'm sorry if I insulted you, but...

I-I don't remember who I am.

And I don't know if I ever will.

Now, cousin, just don't worry.

The doctor said that your memory

before you get it back for good.

He said it happens all the time

I'm testifying before Congress?

No, No, No, No. What have I done?

Calm down.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Okay, now.

Your name is Cousin Larry Appleton...

My, my name is Cousin Larry Appleton...

Come on, relax the jaw.

My name is, my name is...

BOTH: Cousin Larry Appleton.

BOTH: Cousin Larry Appleton.

Hello. Hello.

My name is Cousin Larry Appleton...

Hello, my name is...

BOTH: Cousin Larry Appleton.

How are you? Fine.

Oh, God.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Okay, you were born

in Madison, Wisconsin.

I, I work at the Chicago Chronicle and...

(GARGLING)

We're after

The same river...

I got it. I remember, I remember.

I, I'm, Larry Appleton.

I, I was born in Madison, Wisconsin.

I work at the Chronicle and I even remember

how many girls I asked to the senior prom. 12.

And I remember how many turned me down.

Thirteen.

One girl just came right up to me in the cafeteria and said,

"Don't even think of asking me to the prom."

A little unnecessary, don't you think?

Well, she might have had a good reason.

Were you eating at the time?

I was merely using that story to illustrate the fact

that I remember every detail of my life.

Well, that's good, Cousin.

with Jennifer and her mother tonight?

Oh, my Lord!

I have to have dinner with Jennifer's mother!

What... Well, Balki. She hated a heart surgeon!

What am I gonna do? My life is over!

Cousin, you're hysterical. Do you remember how I bring you out of this?

No! I'm fine.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

All right. Name? Larry Appleton.

Place of birth? Madison, Wisconsin.

Address? I know where we live.

You're bluffing.

Balki, please, I am fine.

I have had my memory for four solid hours now.

So, just, please.

You didn't have to drive me here.

Let me just check and see if your pupils are annihilated.

Open wide. Nice and wide.

Say "Ahh." Give me a nice big "Ahh."

Aaahhhh.

Now you need to depress the back of your tongue.

Balki, please.

about my temporary memory loss.

She'd only worry. So, just please, don't tell her anything.

All right, all right, I won't tell her anything.

All right.

Just stop!

They're here. Who are you?

Oh, God! Who am I?

Larry, what are you doing out here?

Mother's waiting to meet you.

Well...

If she's anything like you I would love to meet her.

Larry, what's going on here?

Uh, Jennifer, I hate to be the wearer of bad news,

but Cousin Larry had an accident today.

He fall down the stairs, he bonk his head,

and, and then he lose his memory and then it come back,

but every time he needs it it goes away again.

Well, I'm fine.

and get to know each other.

Larry, we do know each other. We're engaged.

You're gonna marry me? Yes.

Balki, if Mother sees Larry in this condition

she'll never approve of me marrying him.

You're gonna marry me?

Maybe.

What am I gonna tell Mother?

He fall down the stairs, he bonk his head, he lose his memory,

and now he don't know who he is from a hole in the ground.

The truth always works.

Not this time, I used the amnesia excuse

for one of my old boyfriends.

Well, wait a minute. We need your mother's approval?

Yes. Well, we can make this work.

I have a plan.

Well, this could work! I'll, I'll just make small talk.

And if your mother wants to know something about me

you and Balki can tell her.

Excuse me, Balki.

Listen, the point is we can make this work.

It's worth a shot! Come on!

All right, now, remember, Blakely...

Balki. When we... Yeah, whatever.

If I get stuck for a fact, you just jump right in

and then give me the answer. But don't make it obvious.

You know, try to lead me to the right answer.

You think you can handle that?

I'm the one with the fully-functioning brain.

Guys, this is my mother, Catherine Lyons.

Mother, this is Larry. Hello.

I'm delighted to meet you. Thank you.

And this is Balki, Larry's cousin.

Hello.

Isn't that nice, he brought his cousin with him.

We're insufferable.

Jennifer has, uh, told me so much about you, Mrs, uh...

Mrs, uh... Mrs, uh...

King of the jungle.

King of the jungle.

Mrs. Tarzan. No.

Uh, Lyons. Mrs. Lyons.

Mrs. Lyons.

Cousin Larry would, uh, forget his own name

if I hadn't sewn it into his underwear.

Balki's exaggerating, Mother.

Of course, he's exaggerating.

I have an excellent memory.

Hello.

My name is Cousin Larry Appleton.

Larry, stop joking.

Mother will think you're not serious about marrying me.

Serious? Well, of course I'm serious.

Who wouldn't want to marry a woman as lovely as Jessica?

Jennifer. Jennifer.

My dream is to make her

Mrs. Cousin Larry Appleton.

Why don't we order?

Good idea. Waiter?

(SNAPS FINGERS)

I hear the food here is very good.

Tell me, Larry, do you enjoy working for the paper?

And what paper would that be?

Uh, Cousin Larry

loves working at the Chicago...

Stockyards.

You know very well that you work at the Chicago Chronicle.

How many years have you been there?

Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh... Uh, uh...

Would you care for an olive?

No, thanks, Sweet gherkin?

Not really. Try the baby corn.

Take three ears.

Three ears.

Take three ears.

Uh, three years! Uh!

Uh, waiter!

They're right here, sir. Oh.

Well, that was fast.

They know me here.

Menu?

Mrs. Lyons, I know you're concerned that...

Jennifer. ...marries happily.

And I just want you to know

Jennifer. ...happy.

That's very reassuring.

Now, why don't we all try and relax

and have a wonderful dinner, hmm?

Well, I think that's a great idea.

Hello.

My name is Cousin Larry Appleton.

Uh, waiter?

Could we get some menus?

Oh!

Have we met?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

And I've...I've worked at the Chronicle for three years.

Oh, Cousin, it looks like you've got everything back.

Yeah, everything except what happened from when I fell down

the stairs at the Chronicle

to when Jennifer's mother stormed out of the restaurant.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Jennifer. Uh, Mrs. Lyons.

Larry, I explained everything to Mother and she understands.

You do?

Well, uh, uh, sort of.

Jennifer told me about your temporary amnesia

and that seemed to explain most of your bizarre behavior.

I mean, you seem pleasant enough.

You have a decent job

and there's a certain desperation

in your eyes

Welcome to the family.

Thanks, Mom.

Call me Mrs. Lyons.

Good news. Uh...

After Jennifer marries Cousin Larry then...

Then you will be my aunt-in-law five times removed.

Oh, my!

I'm so glad everything worked out.

Well, we have to get Mother to the airport.

Bye, Larry.

Jennifer, are you sure about this marriage?

I'm sure.

Have we met?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)