Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart and a long-lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

Balki!

Well, I hope you're happy. I am.

Because you are about to eat

the driest pig pancreas souffle known to man.

You could have called.

You're right. I am wrong. I am sorry.

I happen to have two courtside seats to tonight's Bulls game.

Wait a minute, cousin--

You're not gonna believe what happened.

Wainwright called me

Since he knows I'm a big Bulls fan

he's having the tickets sent here.

Is life good or what?

Can I wedge in a wise word here?

You promised Jennifer you would take her to the ballet tonight.

Oh, I took care of that.

I told her I had to do something for Mr. Wainwright.

She understood perfectly.

So you lied.

I am doing something for Mr. Wainwright.

I'm using his tickets at his request.

So you lied.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

No, I didn't. Yes, you sure did.

At worst, I am massaging the truth a bit.

You gave it a full body loofah scrub and a mud bath!

Balki, you and I are going to the game tonight

and we are gonna have a great time!

Oh, is that so, is that?

Well, let me tell you it has been my observation

that every time you lie to Jennifer something bad happens.

I saw the exact same thing happen

on an old rerun of a 1950s television show.

There's this big roly-poly bus driver

always trying to hide things from his wife

every time he does he gets in trouble.

And he's got this friend upstairs.

He wears a vest. He's the smart one.

The friend comes down...

Norton!

Norton, get down here right away! It's important!

What say there, Ralphie boy?

Sorry, it took so long. What's up?

What's up? I'll tell you what's up.

We-- W-w-wait, don't tell me.

Let me guess.

Because if it is I'm gonna have to say no.

I've been havin' very bad problems lately

with the old tum-tum.

(CHUCKLES) A pitcher or two there.

Are you gonna let me tell you where we're going

or are ya gonna run off at the mouth all night?

Thank you. Just, uh...

I'm all ears.

Just let me have it, Ralph. Just let me have it.

Right here, Ralph. Let it rip. Let it rip there, Ralph.

Just get the thought and let it out. Let it out.

Norton, you are a mental case.

Will you sit down? Alright, Ralph!

You were saying?

Two guys dropped out

of the Pro Am Bowling Tournament tonight

and you and I are gonna take their places.

Hold the phone!

We are gonna be bowling with professionals?

Guys who own their own bowling shoes?

Va-va-va-voom!

We are a couple of lucky stiffs!

Hi, Ralph.

Hi, Ed.

The tailor said he wants to know

Hardy har har.

I'm sorry I'm late, Ed, I had to stop at the butcher shop

to get ya lamb chops for dinner.

What are ya cooking me for dinner tonight, Alice?

Nothing. Did you forget? We're going to my mother's for dinner.

(LAUGHING) Alice, hey, you're out of luck there.

Uh, Ralph and I are gonna go-- No, no, Norton, Norton...

Norton, don't you have to go upstairs and eat?

Nah, it'll take, uh, Trixie

like a half an hour to cook dinner.

Well, maybe you should go watch her.

Ralph, I know when you're kiddin'.

I've seen Trixie cook before.

Hey, Trix, remember the time you were making 'em

potato pancakes, flipping them, up they go, down they go.

Get out of here! Sheesh! What a grouch!

Come on, Ed.

Alright.

Will you get outta here?

Bye, Alice.

Alright, Ralph, what's going on?

Well, uh...

Uh...

I didn't want you to know that, uh...

That, uh, I was gonna work an extra shift tonight.

Well, why not? You work extra shifts all the time.

Well, uh... Uh... I, uh...

I, uh, I didn't want you to know that, uh...

That I've been, uh, saving up to buy you

that, uh, new refrigerator you wanted.

And, uh, the money I was gonna make tonight, uh,

would have been enough for the first down payment.

Oh, Ralph, that's so sweet!

You want me to have dinner with your mother

so that's where I'll be.

Oh, no, you won't! You go ahead and work your shift!

My mother will understand.

Hey, Ralph. Argh!

You're good. Argh!

Come on, Ralph! You're doing it.

You're almost there, Ralph. Argh!

Come on, Ralphie. Ralphie boy!

There we are there. Argh!

Alright.

(SIGHS)

Same way as it always happens when you go bowling.

You picked up your bowling ball,

you made your way to the line.

Then you realize all eyes are on you.

So, you decided to put somethin' a little extra on the ball there

just a little somethin' extra on the ball there

give it a little extra body, as if you needed extra body.

And then you let her go, and before you knew it

you were flat on your keister, just lying there

like a beached whale waiting for someone

to pull the cup out of your mouth there, Ralph.

Will you knock it off?

Now look, Alice will be here any minute.

You gotta help me hide the fact that I hurt my back.

Uh, wouldn't it be easier just to tell her what happened?

"Wouldn't it be easier just to tell her what happened?"

Why don't I just wear a sign on my back

that says kick me hard?

Not a good idea with your back out, Ralph.

Oh, you are nuts, you know that, Norton?

Now listen, if you help me out tonight

my back will be fine in the mornin'

and Alice will never know I went bowlin'.

Ralph, I'm glad you're here.

I've been thinking about the new refrigerator.

Now, I'm not sure how it's gonna look in the space

the icebox out of the way and put something over there

that's the size of the new refrigerator?

Now? Yeah, Ralph, now.

You know, uh, Alice, that is a terrific idea.

Really sensational.

What do they call, uh, uh, inferior decorators.

Alice, it's late. We'll move the icebox some other time.

Is there some reason you don't want to move the icebox?

No, no reason.

You want it moved, we'll move it.

(GRUNTS)

Norton, how about giving me a hand with this?

Sure, Ralphie. Ow!

(GRUNTING)

Argh! Argh!

(GRUNTING)

Alright, Norton, help me pick this thing up.

Okay. On three. Ready, Ralph?

One... Two... What'd ya got in here?

Will you get outta there?

Three!

(BONES CRACKING)

Ow!

Argh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Argh!

(BANGING)

Ooh!

(GRUNTING)

(BANGING)

Argh! Oh!

Oh!

Is there something wrong with your back, Ralph?

No. Why would there be something wrong with my back?

Because you and me was bowling--

Will you knock it off?

Listen, Alice, I can explain.

Save your breath, Ralph.

I know everything.

stops in front of the bowling alley.

how Kramden threw his back out

and almost rolled down the alley with the ball.

I'll be up at Trixie's till I calm down.

Hey, hey, hey.

I hate to, uh, rub salt in your wound there, Ralph.

Ow!

But you should have known that Alice's bus

was gonna go by the bowling alley there.

I mean, you are a bus driver, right?

I mean, you gotta use the ol' noodle.

You are drivin' that bus there right down 42nd Street

right to Broadway, the guy that sells the newspaper there--

Will you knock it off?

Hey, uh, your back looks pretty bad there, Ralph.

It is bad.

Looks like you can hardly move.

I can't move at all. Not at all?

I just told you, I can't move at all!

Alright then.

Norton, what're you... Norton, put that back!

Norton! Ah! Norton! I'm gonna murdelize you.

Next day, Ralph's back was so bad, he have to stay home

the whole day and listen to Alice yell at him.

You see what I'm driving at?

It has nothing to do with real life.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

There is no way in the world

that Jennifer is gonna find out about that basketball game.

Oh, hi, Jen. Hi, Larry.

to our apartment instead of yours.

Save your breath, I know everything.

Larry, you've lied to me for the last time. Enjoy the game.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave

when first we practice to conceive.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Cousin, you're crying.

Balki, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

It's been a week, Jennifer still won't talk to me.

I've tried everything.

I've sent her flowers, candy, perfume.

She just sends everything back.

I'm beginning to think it's all over between us.

Oh, cousin, you're making a mountain out of mohair.

Come on, Jennifer still loves you.

She'll forgive you if you just tell her you're sorry

you were lying and you'll never do it again.

She'll never buy that.

But, you know, if I do something heroic

to show how much I love her, she'll have to forgive me.

Cousin, that never works!

Now, Ralph had the same problem with Alice.

She wasn't talking to him

after he lied about the bowling incident

so instead of telling her the truth

he got his friend, Norton, that's the smart one

to come down and help him to, to appear to be a hero

so that she would like him again.

Hello, Alice.

You havin' a good day, Alice?

You feelin' okay?

Trixie, please tell Ralph if he really cared anything about me

he wouldn't have lied.

Alice says if you cared anything about her

you wouldn't have lied.

Come on, Alice. Give me a break.

It's been a week.

Trixie, tell Ralph as far as I'm concerned

the suffering has barely begun.

Alice says-- I heard what Alice says.

You think I was the only guy in the world

who ever lied to his wife?

Norton, you must have lied to Trixie once or twice.

Well, uh, tell you the truth there, Ralph, uh,

in 13 years of marital bliss,

I, uh... I never yet once lied to Trixie.

Ed said he once thought about lying to me

but he felt so guilty he bought me

Yeah, and I, uh, I wrote her a little poem to go with it.

Roses are red, violets are bluer,

can you ever forgive your guy from the sewer?

How do you like that?

He's a poet, and he don't even know that he is.

Alright. Alright.

What do you want me to do? Say I'm sorry?

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Now, shut up!

You know, Ralph, the only thing bigger than your mouth is your--

Don't say it, Alice!

Come on, Trixie, let's go to a movie.

Okay. Bye, Ed.

I hope you choke on your raisinets.

How do you like that?

Norton, this is killin' me.

I don't mind the silent treatment

but Alice won't cook for me.

I have to get her to forgive me.

I can't take another night of eating beans out of the can!

I don't know, Ralph. She seemed pretty steamed.

Hey, you, uh, you got a fork?

If I do something to prove to Alice

how much I love her, she'll have to forgive me.

Now, I got a plan, but I'm gonna need your help.

I'm with you. I'm with you 100%!

Alright, now you are gonna have to disguise yourself

as a robber and then sneak in here later tonight.

Now, it's real important

Don't worry, Ralph

and nobody knew it was me.

Hello, there.

I am a tomato.

You may think I am a vegetable,

but I am really a fruit.

You're not a fruit, Norton, you're a mental case!

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah, alright.

Now after you break in here and say you are a robber

you say that you want Alice's wedding ring.

Now, I'll say that I would rather die than give it to you.

You'll be so moved by the depth of my love

that you'll leave without Alice's wedding ring.

Ralph, I gotta tell you, I'm touched.

You would rather die than-than-than

let somebody have Alice's wedding ring?

(SNIFFLES)

You sweet kid, but it won't work.

No, you gotta wine her, dine her, dance her.

(SCATTING)

Nah, that won't work.

(SNAPS FINGERS) I got it. I'll help her dust.

Nah, why don't you just buy her a fur coat?

Nah, that won't work.

Oh, I think she's got a good point there, Ralph.

Ooh!

Alice!

What have you got to say for yourself now, Ralph?

I got a big mouth!

Alice was so mad at Ralph

that not only did she not speak to him

for, for two weeks, but she make him sleep on the fire escape.

(LAUGHING)

I love that show.

I should have known that someone as wonderful as Jennifer

could never love somebody as low and devious as me.

Oh, I think she could.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Larry, is this from you?

Well, uh-- Cousin, come on.

Who else would it be from?

Oh, Larry, when I saw this little guy sitting

on my fire escape with two tickets

to the ballet in his paws, I knew I'd been too hard on you.

W-w-wait, Jennifer, I didn't leave

that bear on the fire escape.

The person who did is much nicer than I am

and I think I have a pretty good idea who that person is.

Balki, was it you?

Well, I was just trying to help.

Oh! Oh, oh!

Well, what was that for?

Well, Larry, you could have lied and said the bear was from you

but you didn't. You told the truth!

I did, didn't I?

I think we've had a breakthrough here!

Well, this is cause for celebration.

What do you say we all go out to dinner tonight

at Antoine's Cajun Kitchen?

Oh, it's a wonderful idea.

Balki, you wanna call and make us reservations

for four at 8:00?

Four at 8:00, you got it!

(SCATTING)

(STERNLY) Will you just make the call?

Baby, you're the greatest.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)