Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Washington, Washington, Washington.

Lincoln, Lincoln, bo-bincon, banana-fanna, fo-finkin.

Me-my mo-mincon, Lincoln.

Hi, Balki. Cousin! Cousin!

How much? Five dollars?

Ten dollars? Well, I don't know.

Oh, my Lord!

Where did you find it?

Well, it's an interesting story.

I found it at Sixth and Main behind the abandoned building

that used to be the headquarters

of the International Lambada Association.

I never did figure out why that dance never caught on.

It was so sort of, so sort of...

So primal, so deep-seated.

And the best part was, you didn't have to wear a shirt.

So at the end of the night, you didn't have them sticky pittys.

Balki!

Was there a name on the box? No.

Was there anyone around when you found the box?

No. So there was no name.

No one was around, there's no way

to identify the rightful owner?

No, no and no.

You are a genius.

We are rich. Ow!

Cousin, aren't you forgetting something?

Yes, yes, technically, technically you are rich.

But you're gonna share, aren't you?

I mean, after all, we are family.

We're close. What's yours is mine.

Cousin, listen to me. We share everything.

Cousin, I'm going to return the money to its rightful owner.

Well, of course we'll try to find the rightful owner.

But I gotta warn you, Balki. It's not gonna be easy.

Well, of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

But I think it might be easier with this newspaper ad I wrote.

"I found a big box of money.

"I live at 711, Caldwell.

"Apartment 209.

"Please come and get the money."

Well, Balki, you found the money, you wrote the ad.

I can't let you do everything.

I'll take care of this.

Oh, cousin, you're too good to me.

I know. Oh!

Bartokomous, I can't tell you how upset I was

when I lost that money.

If you hadn't mentioned at work that you found it

I don't know what I would have done.

Oh, Mr. Gorpley, I'm so relieved to find out

that the money's going to go to its rightful owner.

It, it would have been terrible--

Give me the box. Okay.

Here you are, Mr. Gorpley. No.

(PANTING)

Too much caffeine?

Balki, what are you doing?

Well, cousin, you're not going to believe this

but out of all the millions of people that live in Chicago

this money belongs to our own Mr. Gorpley.

You're right. I don't believe it.

What? Just stay out of this, Appleton.

But, but, cousin, cousin, this is Mr. Gorpley's money

that he was saving for his mother's operation.

There is no operation and Gorpley never had a mother.

Mr. Gorpley, is this true?

You never had a mother?

Does this mean you have no belly button?

All right, all right, all right.

You win.

We'll split the money three ways.

I got a better idea. Get out.

How about 80/20?

Goodbye!

(PANTING)

You see that, Balki?

That is what greed can do to a person.

Disgusting!

I'll say.

There are a lot of dishonest people out there

who would love to get their hands on this money.

And that is why we have to be very, very careful.

That is why I'm gonna take this money to the police.

The police? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Why not, cousin? Why not?

Well, uh, well, uh, uh...

There's about fifty thousand dollars in this box?

That is correct.

I never thought of that.

I know you never thought of that.

But the police will think of that.

And when you take this money to them, they'll say

"What happened to the other fifty thousand dollars?"

And what will you say?

Uh, I, I just tell them that, that this, this is

is all the money that, that I, I found and

and somebody else must have find the rest of it.

Oh, oh! And you expect them to believe that?

Well, I, I pray they will.

Well, they won't.

They won't.

They'll want the other fifty thousand dollars.

Now, do you have that kind of money?

No, I-- Do you?

No, I-- Do you?

I don't have that kind of money.

Well, then the police will have no choice

but to send you to prison.

(PANTING)

Do you want to go to prison?

No! I don't want to go to prison.

Do you want to go to prison?

No, I don't want to go to prison.

No, I don't want to take this money to the police.

You'll have to go to prison.

Are you sure? Are you sure?

No! Please! Please! Please!

Don't make me take the money to the police.

(PANTING)

All right!

(SOBBING)

All right, we won't take the money to the police.

Thank you!

You're welcome.

You better safeguard this.

We'll just do what the police would do.

We'll keep the money in a safe deposit box for 30 days.

And if the rightful owner doesn't claim it

it will be ours.

We get it. All of it. Every cent.

then we give it to him, right?

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Wait, no, no. No, you don't. Excuse me, excuse me--

The important thing is we kept you out of prison.

Oh, God!

Cousin, it's been 29 days since I found the money

and we still haven't found the rightful owner.

And I'm just sick thinking that

we may never find the rightful owner.

I know.

I'm sick about it, too.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Cousin, this could be the one.

Keep your eyes crossed.

I've come to claim the box.

Oh, please, please come in.

Come in.

(PANTING)

Uh, could you, could you identify it?

Yes, it was a green cardboard box

about this size

and it was filled with money.

Lots and lots of money.

My money.

For the last time, you are not getting the money.

Now, beat it!

Tell you what.

Goodbye.

Cousin, am I alone here

or is that man a dead ringer for Mr. Gorpley?

You're alone here.

the rightful owner of that money.

We're going to have to accept the sad fact

that in 24 hours, that money will be ours.

I'm sorry.

Cousin, we have one more person we have to see.

I really liked the sound of his voice on the phone.

I, I have a good feeling about him.

Balki, all we've seen so far have been

fakes, phonies and impostors.

I doubt this guy's gonna be any different.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Go ahead, Balki. Let the next liar in.

Hello, I'm Father Killion.

I've come to talk about the box you've found.

I'm hoping it's the box I lost.

Well, please, come in and sit down.

I know it's a long shot.

But I've looked everywhere

and by some miracle, I came across your ad

in a copy of Stockyard and Slaughterhouse monthly.

Cousin, I thought you were going to put the ad in a newspaper.

The Stockyard and Slaughterhouse monthly is a newspaper.

All right, padre!

How do I know you're a priest?

How many books in the Old Testament begin with S?

You don't know, do you? Do you? You have no idea.

Cousin! Please, stop it!

This is a man of the loincloth.

I'm Balki Bartokomous. I'm the one who found the box.

I'm so happy that you did.

You see, our parish was having a festival to raise money

for our orphanage and I lost the box.

Orphanage?

You know, we have heard some pretty low, devious stories.

But yours takes the cake.

If I could just see the box

I could tell you if it's mine or not.

Well, it's not gonna be that easy.

Why don't you describe your lost box?

Well, it was a small, green cardboard box

about two feet by three feet.

And it had fifty thousand, two hundred and thirty four dollars

in cash, that was wrapped with red rubber bands.

Oh, and two dollars and seventy-three cents in change

in a small velvet bag in one corner of the box.

What color was the velvet bag?

Blue. There's a million blues.

What kind of blue? Light blue? Dark blue?

Periwinkle. He's guessing.

Cousin, would you please?

Have you taken leave of your sinuses?

I think we've found the rightful owner.

Yeah, great.

I am so relieved...

...because we'll lose the orphanage

with that final payment.

Well, uh, Father Killion

we have your money in a safe deposit box.

And we'll just, uh, get to the bank

and get the money to you before five o'clock.

You're fine, good young men and I can't thank you enough.

I'm sure you must be disappointed

But I assure you, you will be richly rewarded.

I'll be back later this afternoon.

Did you hear that, Balki?

We are going to be richly rewarded.

Yeah, that, too. So...

How much do you think the reward will be, huh?

Figure a minimum of ten percent.

That means five thousand dollars.

I'll just get the key to the safety deposit box

and we'll go to the bank.

Oh, boy. What a day, huh?

I mean, we saved an orphanage.

Can you imagine? I can just see it.

Someday down the line, they...

...they put up a plaque to us.

"This orphanage saved by Balki and Cousin Larry."

Oh! It's just... I... It's just...

Balki? Yeah?

I can't find the suit I put the key in.

Suit?

Yes.

Not the blue pin-striped suit

with the clam sauce on the lapel?

Yes. Yes, that's the one.

Where is it?

I haven't seen it.

No! No! No. No, no, no!

You, you wouldn't hurt a man with a lamb, would you?

Oh, he's a sweet little lamb. Just a sweetie.

Just a sweet little lamb, yes.

Where is it?

I, I donated it to the Good Neighbor Thrift Shop.

No! Yes.

Hello? Is this the Good Neighbor Thrift Shop?

Well, this is Balki Bartokomous and I...

Yes, yes! I'm the one who hugged you.

Did you ever get rid of that cold?

Well, I told you, you got to bulk up on the C

and the garlic tabs.

Cousin, I'm just trying to be polite.

Ask him. It's a her.

Hello? No, no, it's nothing.

The cat had a hairball.

Anyway, eh, the suit was a blue pin-striped suit.

Yes! Yes, the, the pants were a little on the short side.

Well, find out where it is. Okay.

Hello? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Oh, uh-huh.

Well, okay. Thank you very much and take care of that cold.

Cousin, good news. I know where your suit is.

Where? Mr. Wilson is wearing it.

Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Where is he?

Beakman's Funeral Home.

He's being buried this afternoon.

(ORGAN MUSIC)

Get the key.

(SOBBING)

Get the key. It's in the inside breast pocket.

Are you sure?

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please take your seats?

We are about to begin.

Did you get it? No.

Cousin, why we don't just tell the family the truth

and get the key?

Oh, good idea, Balki.

I'll just save my condolences.

Family, friends.

We are here today to mourn the passing

of, of, of, uh...

(SOBBING AND SNIFFLING)

...Fred Wilson.

(SOBBING)

Oh, oh, oh. No, no, no, don't cry.

Don't cry. I, I know just what you're going through.

On Mypos, when we're grieving, we make a mud sculpture

of the deceased and by the time the rains come

we've pretty much gotten it out of our systems.

Look at them.

They don't care about him.

That's his ex-wife.

She sold all his clothes.

Fred had style and class.

He wouldn't be caught dead in a suit like that.

And we will all miss him in our own personal way.

You were a friend of Mr. Wilson's?

Oh, I was more than a friend.

I was his paralegal

his financial adviser, his masseuse.

(BLOWING NOSE)

It sounds like you were very close.

Yeah. Oh, and you are? Oh, I am Balki.

Oh! And this is my cousin Larry.

A pleasure. Uh, were you friends of Fred's?

I never met him. We were friends. I...

I'd give him the clothes off my back.

Aw!

Before we end the service,

would anyone like to say a few kind words about Mr. Wilson?

Well, if no one has anything to say

that will conclude the service.

(ORGAN MUSIC)

No.

I'd like to say a few words about Ted.

Fred! Fred!

Oh, your muscles are so tense.

Uh, I could help you with that.

Does this tension come from the stress of a high paying job?

Fred was...

...a hard man to know.

Not many people knew Fred...

...like me.

Well, Fred knew, well...

All I know is Fred is gone and we will miss him.

(SOBBING)

Oh!

I think it's safe to say that...

...longer than I did.

But does that mean that...

Yes! The key.

The key to understanding Fred...

...is in the... Pockets of his soul.

Let us bow our heads in a moment of silence

in honor of Mr. Wilson.

Balki, let's go. Oh, no, cousin.

I... I can't leave now.

This woman is giving new meaning to the phrase...

(MOANS)

We are leaving, now! Ah!

Sorry, gotta run.

We're blocking the hearse.

I have just enough time to get this to the bank

and make that payment.

You've made many orphans very happy.

Oh, Father Killion!

I baked some cookies for the orphans.

Oh, thank you. You know, Father.

Uh, uh, aren't, aren't you forgetting something?

I believe you said we would be richly rewarded.

Well, I was speaking in terms of spiritual reward.

Spiritual reward?

I robbed a dead man to get that money.

Cousin, we saved an orphanage.

Don't you feel good?

Yeah, I guess.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I'm here about the money.