Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's going to stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long-lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's going to stop me now

Cousin, are you ready to go?

I thought we might have dinner

I heard great things about their Moo Shu fettuccini.

Well, no time today, Balki, I'm busy researching

a series we're doing on mass murders.

It's really fascinating stuff.

I've discovered that average people

can turn out to be murderers.

Could be the man in the barbershop

with the little moustache.

with the high-powered rifle.

Yes, it could.

Balki, I need to finish this research,

so, if you'll excuse me?

Okay, cousin.

Bye.

"Mabel Alice Stallings, as she is escorted into court

"under heavy security to stand trial for murder."

Oh, my Lord!

It's Mary Anne!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Larry, it has to be a mistake.

Jennifer, face the facts.

The woman you share an apartment with is a homicidal psychopath.

Larry, you've got to stop watching

America's Most Wanted.

Mary Anne is my best friend.

I think I would know if she were a mass murderer.

Well, I don't think that's something you share

even with your best friend.

Jennifer, you can't deny the facts. Fact!

Mary Anne's picture is in the archives. Fact!

When someone changes their identity

Mabel Alice Stallings, Mary Anne Spencer.

Same initials, MAS! Fact!

Hi, cousin! Hi, Jennifer.

Balki? Yeah?

Because the refrigerator almost killed me.

Well, Balki, why do you have any appliances strapped to your back?

I'm training, cousin.

I'm building up the old ham things.

Mary Anne and I are going to Mount Whitefish this weekend.

We're going to climb Needlenose Peak.

Jennifer and I are dealing with something very important,

so could you please do this somewhere else?

Sure, cousin, I could do it over here.

No.

LARRY: No!

Cousin, the stairs are not really a challenge.

And Mrs. Schlegelmilch

don't need her TV back until Nightline.

Go now. Okay!

Now where was I?

Right.

Fact!

Mary Anne

is gonna spend the weekend alone with Balki?

I can't let him go. Oh, Larry!

Would you listen to yourself?

We grew up together, we went to school together.

We're inseparable.

Really? You've never been apart?

Well, uh, we did lose touch for a couple of years.

Ah-ha! And would that be between '84 and '85?

(STAMMERS) Well, yes.

Fact!

All the murders were committed in 1984 and 1985.

Larry, it's just a coincidence.

No, well, did she ever tell you

what she was doing during those years you were apart?

She calls it her "Dark years."

Well, that has a nicer ring than "My murdering, psychotic years".

Uh, okay, wait, wait. Explain this to me.

If Mary Anne is this Mabel Alice Stallings,

why isn't she in jail?

Because I found out she was acquitted.

They never found the body.

In fact, she was tried for murder four times

and none of the bodies have ever been found.

Larry, I'm going upstairs to wait for Mary Anne to come home.

No, no. You can't do that.

Larry, I'm going.

and we'll clear this whole thing up, okay?

Okay.

But whatever you do,

don't call her "Mabel."

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Cousin, cousin.

Look, look what I got Mary Anne.

I bought her this because she was complaining

that she didn't have a good camping hatchet.

No! No hatchet!

Mary Anne said she needed a hatchet that was razor sharp.

So you went out and got it for her?

What is the matter with you?

Are you out of your mind?

Don't you see what's going on here?

All I see is a man with tremendous mood swings.

I mean, first you're up, then you're down,

then you're over here, then you're over there.

Is something bothering you? (STAMMERS) Yes...

Yes!

Something is bothering me.

Balki, listen.

Suppose someone who is close to you,

someone you thought you knew really well

did a hideous, horrible thing.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi, Balki! Hi, Larry!

Oh, Balki, is this my camping hatchet?

Yeah. It's perfect.

Where's Jennifer?

Oh, she's gone.

What do you mean, "Gone"?

She was called to fill in on a flight to Hong Kong.

I believe you.

You have no reason to lie to me.

Gotta run.

Thanks.

Balki! Mary Anne killed Jennifer.

What?

Don't you understand?

Mary Anne is a mass murderer.

Now, cousin, it's one thing to call her a lousy bowler,

but now you've gone too far.

I've gotta call the police.

Cousin, are you out of your mind?

Mary Anne didn't kill Jennifer.

Jennifer's on her way to Hong Kong,

and the police are too busy for you to send on

some wild moose chase.

(PANTING) Balki...

I have proof that Mary Anne is a murderer.

Look!

That's a very nice picture of Mary Anne.

Read the caption.

"Mabel Alice Stallings as she is escorted into court

"under heavy security to stand trial for murder."

(STAMMERS) Mabel Alice Stallings is a dead ringer for Mary Anne.

Now what are the chances of that happening?

One in a dozen?

Balki, if you go on this trip with Mary Anne,

she'll kill you just like she killed Jennifer.

(CRYING) I never even had a chance to say goodbye.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello! Jennifer! Jennifer?

It's Jennifer.

Yeah, yeah, all right, all right, listen,

just cough once if Mary Anne is making you say this.

(STAMMERING) It's all right, I'll stop acting like this.

Uh, uh... h-huh, uh-huh...

No, I understand.

You don't wanna marry a crazy man.

Yeah, I'll talk to you when you get back.

Yeah. Yeah.

Bye-bye.

That was Jennifer?

Yeah.

She was calling from the airport.

Hong Kong!

Hong Kong.

I'm sorry. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Well, um, if you'll excuse me, cousin, I, uh...

I've got a camping trip to pack for, but... But, hey,

now that you've solved the Jennifer murder,

maybe you can figure out who killed Laura Palmer.

LARRY: I am so embarrassed. I made a complete fool out of myself.

Running around saying that someone as sweet as Mary Anne

killed four men and Jennifer.

Well, I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this picture.

There is.

Mary Anne is a mass murderer.

What? Larry, look at the facts.

The picture, the "Dark years," the hatchet.

(STAMMERS) But Jennifer's alive and in Hong Kong.

Of course she's in Hong Kong.

So she won't be a witness to the murder.

You do not have to be Columbo

to figure out what's going on around here.

Well, I can't let Balki go on that trip with Mary Anne.

If you do, he's a dead man.

Mr. Gorpley, where's Balki?

Oh, he's on his way to some mountain.

What?

Oh, he said he was

going away for the weekend.

I told him to take the rest of the day off

and get an early start.

Wait a minute... I was nice, and I got nothing out of it.

I just hope it's not too late.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

How ya doin', Balki?

Uh...

Well, I'm stuck.

My feet hurt. And...

And I just dropped my water bottle.

This is fun!

Don't worry, I'll throw down a rope to help you.

(PANTING)

Hold it right there, Mabel.

Huh, Larry! What are you doing here?

And who's Mabel? Oh, please!

I know all about you. You may be good,

but not good enough to outsmart Larry Appleton.

Now where's Balki? Balki's stuck.

And I was just about to throw this rope down to help him.

Nice try, Mabel.

Larry, what are you doing?

I'm making sure that you don't get away.

And then, I am going to save Balki.

(LARRY GRUNTING)

Ooh!

Oh!

I think I speak for Jennifer

when I say you are out of the wedding!

Balki, hang on.

It won't be long now!

Tie first, then throw, tie first, then throw.

Uh, Larry, that's not a good idea.

Oh, and I suppose murdering my best friend is a good idea?

No. That's not a good idea, either.

(PANTING) Hang on, Balki. Hang on.

I'm coming.

(GRUNTING)

Ain't no mountain high enough

Nothing can keep me Keep me from you

(HUMMING)

Hi, cousin. Glad you could drop in.

Where do I come up with them?

(GASPS) LARRY: Oh!

Balki, thank God you're safe.

Cousin, I'm fine, but... But you seem a little bit upset.

You seem like a person who's at the end of his rope.

(LAUGHS)

Where do I come up with them?

All right, Balki, there's no time for jokes.

I've come here to save you. Now here, grab this rope.

Okay, cousin, I have a question. Is this rope secure?

Because Mary Anne always said that one of the first rules

of rock climbing is to make sure

that your lifeline is anchored safely.

Balki, when Larry Appleton ties a knot, it stays tied.

(SCREAMING)

Cousin, cousin...

I got you. I got you. I got you. I got you.

I got you. I got you.

(GRUNTS)

Cousin, we're not trapped.

We'll just ask her to throw a rope down. Mary Anne?

It's gonna be tough for her to do.

Why? I tied her up.

Why did you do that?

I tied her up because she's trying to kill you.

Cousin, I told you once, I told you twice.

I told you two times.

Mary Anne is not trying to kill me.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Cousin! Cousin!

Good. Good.

Now, cousin, whatever you do,

don't even think about falling down

because if you fall, you're gonna have plenty of time

to think about it on the way down.

Now, I gotta get over there, so just let me through.

I gotta get through. Okay? Okay. Okay.

Okay? All right. All right.

I gotta get through. Okay.

I gotta get through. What?

Where are you going? I'm gonna go behind you.

Okay, okay, all right, all right, all right.

Be careful. Be careful. Okay, all right.

Okay, go ahead, go head. Okay. Okay.

Be careful, careful. Here comes the leg.

The leg. The leg. Got it.

Okay. Okay. Go ahead.

Okay. Steady. Ugh!

Oh! Okay, okay. Careful. Okay.

Okay, okay, all right.

(GRUNTS)

Oh... Oh, no. Oh, no!

Eye contact? Good.

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

BOTH: Eye contact! Eye contact!

Eye contact! Eye contact!

Good! Good!

Now, cousin, I'm...

(WHIMPERING)

I'm coming down. I'm coming down.

LARRY: Come on, come on. Okay!

Come on. Aah!

Now, I wanna... I wanna get over there.

No, stay over there. I wanna get over there.

I don't feel safe over here!

My ledge! Okay, okay.

Okay. It's cool. Hmm, okay, okay!

Good, okay. Okay. All right, come on, come on.

I'm feel it touch. I feel... Come on.

LARRY: Okay. Okay. Come on. Okay. Okay.

Come on. Careful. Okay. Oh!

Careful! Careful! Ugh! Ugh!

(SCREAMING)

What is it? What is it? Chest hair!

Chest hair! Chest hair!

(BOTH SIGHING)

Balki! Larry!

I tied the rope to a big tree. It's safe to climb up.

Balki, it's a trap. How did she get loose?

Mary Anne, how you did get loose?

Oh, Larry couldn't tie a knot if his life depended on it.

Would you like to go first?

If we grab onto that rope and try to climb up,

she'll let go and we'll hit the ground so hard

they'll take us home in a pizza box!

Well, I trust Mary Anne and...

And I'm gonna climb up this rope.

Now, Mary Anne wouldn't do anything to harm

either one of us, so I... I'm gonna climb up this rope,

and if you wanna stay here, then you sue yourself.

Mary Anne, I'm coming.

Do we have any of those tuna sandwiches left?

(STAMMERS) Well, I'll be fine.

I'll take my chances climbing down.

Balki?

Oh, Balki?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

JENNIFER: I'm sure Mary Anne can solve this mystery.

You see, they got the captions on these two pictures mixed up.

This is a picture of me

Wait a minute, is that Tim Dark?

I used to date him.

Well, after you and Tim broke up,

we went out for two years.

I was afraid you might get mad,

so I never showed you that picture.

I guess these are the Bartokomous years.

Well...

I guess I owe everybody an apology.

Should I do 'em one at a time or all together?

Well, when he embarrasses us,

it's usually a group apology,

but when he lies, it's mostly individual.

True.

Then there was the time we got those gift certificates.

Oh, yeah!

Individual.

Mary Anne,

I'm sorry I thought you were a homicidal maniac

who killed my fiance

and was going to kill my best friend.

Oh, that's okay, Larry.

Balki, I'm sorry, I almost got you killed

on the side of the mountain.

Oh, come on, don't worry about it, cousin.

I'm just sorry that forest ranger had to see you cry.

Jennifer, I'm sorry for making you feel

like you're engaged to a crazy man.

Well, Larry, I'm flattered

that you were so concerned about me,

but frightened by how quickly you lose touch with reality.

(STAMMERS) I promise it won't happen again.

And now what do you say, we all go out

and have a nice, quiet dinner?

Okay! Okay!

Okay.

This isn't over, Appleton.

I'd sleep with one eye open if I were you.

(INTENSE MUSIC)

ALL: Got ya!