Original subtitles

And we have something to celebrate.

The paper is sending me to Los Angeles for the weekend.

Oh, my Lord!

That's Marco Madison.

He's very big in the underworld.

Balki, tape this for me.

(GROANS)

Get those guys.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Rosebud.

Cousin, I videotaped the murder.

The tape will prove us innocent.

All we need is to, to find someplace

where we can play back the tape.

NEWSREADER: The two suspects are considered armed and dangerous.

Hey, hey, wait, stop!

Balki, get in the car!

Get in the car! Get in the car!

Oh, God! God! God!

Balki, I think they're getting closer!

BALKI: Oh! Oh! Oh!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

Nothings gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long-lost friend

Gives every dark street

A light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder the wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

My life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GUNS FIRING)

I think they're getting closer!

BALKI: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Uh, cousin, Don't worry about them, worry about that!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh! Oh!

I... I hope you know where we are going

because the street map was in the sun visor.

Balki, there's Jennifer and Mary Anne.

Hey, Jennifer and Mary Anne!

Jennifer! Jennifer, Mary Anne!

Quick, get in the car.

Why has the top of this car been torn off?

Please, get in the car first and then I'll explain.

Now, what's going on?

It could have happened to anybody.

We were at the wedding

Cousin, eyes on the road.

Well, suddenly I saw Marco Madison big time gangster

and, and, and Balki and I

followed him and his pals to the garage

Excuse me, cousin, we?

Anyway, the dead guy

turned out to be an undercover drug agent.

So you're wanted for murder

because Marco Madison killed this guy?

No. We're wanted for murder because the guy died in my arms

while I was holding the murder weapon.

It was the weirdest thing, Jennifer.

He looked up at me and said, "Rosebud."

But, Larry, if Balki videotaped the murder

why don't you just take the tape to the police?

Because we have no idea what's on the tape.

We've got to get to a TV before Marco's men get to us.

Cousin, there's a TV!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Come on! Let's go take a look at this tape!

Wait here where it's safe.

Right.

Welcome to Roy's Tattoo Parlor.

I'm Roy. I'm Balki.

You want a tattoo or did you just come in

to enjoy the ambiance?

He wants a tattoo. Uh, can I use your TV for just a moment?

Okay.

So which tattoo would you like?

Oh!

Well, I don't know. What's a tattoo?

Those are tattoos.

(STATIC BUZZING)

Hey, cousin, look at these. These are beautiful.

Look, cousin, He's got a, a snake

slithering through the eye sockets of a human skull.

And, uh, and...

Oh, there's Regis and Kathie Lee.

Hey, cousin, which tattoo you think I should get.

One you can enjoy in prison for the rest of your life.

'Cause we got nothing, but static.

So which tattoo do you want, pal?

What's that? That's a tattoo needle.

Which tattoo do you want? Uh...

Well, I don't know. What-what have you got?

I'll show you what I got.

Argh!

Well, uh, do, do, do you have the "Muppet Babies?"

Ooh, that's our second most requested number.

Most people want a cobra on their face.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, there's something on the tape!

You don't lie to me. I'm not lying.

Hey!

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

That's, that's it! You got it! It's all there!

Now we have proof that we are innocent!

This isn't going to hurt, is it?

Oh, of course not.

(NEEDLE WHIRRING)

(SCREAMING)

Let's get this to the police!

Come on.

We're home free. Balki got the whole thing on tape.

It's perfect!

MAN: Hold it!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on, Balki!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

I don't think they saw us.

Balki, I think we're safe.

You know...

There's something about this whole thing that smells rotten.

It's us, cousin, we were just sitting in garbage.

No, I mean,

why would a respectable politician

invite a gangster to his wedding?

If I can just figure out the connection

between Marco Madison and Commissioner Albrecht

I think I've got a front page story.

Balki, I think things might be looking up.

Well, think again.

Okay, okay.

Uh, here's my money.

Is that all of it?

Well, uh, to be perfectly honest

no, no, that isn't all of it

and you did ask for, for all my money.

So, so, uh, fair is fair.

Here you go.

I didn't mean to lie. I'm, I'm sorry about that.

So you want to take this?

This is a locket that...

This is an heirloom in my family.

My, my, my mother gave me this

and she wept as she gave it to me.

If you look inside-- Balki!

How about you, shorty?

Oh, uh, uh, alright.

Here, here, uh, here you go.

Now, give me the VCR.

No. No, no, not the VCR.

No, no, here. Here, take my watch.

Take my cuff links, or-or-or give us your address

I'll send you a big check.

Yeah, I'll take that, but I still want the VCR.

No, no, no, no. Don't-don't... Don't take the-the-the VCR.

Don't-Don't-Don't... Bal-Balki, give him something!

Uh, can I, can I offer you my shoes?

Now these are hand-made of the finest goat bladder.

Look at the detail work on this.

I don't know what... What size shoe are you?

The VCR! No, don't take the VCR.

Take something else. Take, take, take him.

Hold this.

Give me that!

Thanks. Well, you're most welcome.

Nice doing business with you. You forgot your shoes.

He took the VCR.

He took the evidence.

We're going to jail.

Oh, no, cousin, we're not going to jail.

We're not? Well, no, no, no.

Marco's men will kill us first, you silly.

We were so close.

Another few minutes and the police

would have had the tape, our names would have been cleared.

But no, we had to get mugged.

We could've stayed in Chicago and gotten mugged.

You know. You know, cousin, I've been thinking.

Maybe that mugger will play the tape

see that we're innocent and bring it to the police.

Right.

And maybe pigs will fly.

No, cousin, that don't usually happen

unless the pig gets a good running start.

MAN 1: Seventy five dollars? MAN 2: Yeah.

That's him.

This has an 18-day timer.

You can get yourself like 32 tapes...

That's our VCR.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Uh, that's our VCR and we need it back.

Sheila, It's the crazy men again.

Alright! You give us back our car

and our bike and we'll talk about it.

We can't do that.

But that's our VCR. It was stolen from us.

Who cares?

We never should have bought it.

Put a sock in it, Sheila.

This is the worst vacation we ever had.

Gettin' this machine for $50 is the only good thing

that's happened since we left the corn belt!

Okay, we don't need the machine.

Just give us the video cassette.

Hmm, that seems fair, Herb.

Oh, that is so very kind. Where are you from?

Danville, Illinois. Get out of the city!

We're from Chicago! No!

No, I'm not kidding you! Is that a coinc...

We should exchange addresses so that we can write.

Absolutely. Yes, I--

Balki! Sheila!

Give us that video cassette.

You're not getting this machine.

(GRUNTING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll sell it to you for $10.

(PANTING)

Ah!

Yes!

Alright, Balki, now we go straight to the police

give them this tape, and tonight we're at Disneyland

in time for the Main Street Electrical Parade.

Cousin, now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!

Dai-dai dai-dai da-dai da-da-da-dai

Hey hey hey hey

MAN: Freeze!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on, Balki! Coming, cousin.

I'm so sorry.

Will you come on? Well, I was, he was...

Sorry, boys, It's out of order.

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

Mr. Madison will be with you in a moment.

Oh, that's okay.

Oh, now, I'm sure Mr. Madison is quite a busy man.

After all, we can't be the only people he's trying to kill.

(LAUGHS)

I'm so scared!

There must be some kind of way out of here.

Cousin, cousin, cousin, if we can get out here

we can jump out the window.

Balki, we're 25 feet off the ground.

No, cousin, we can jump onto that truck. See?

Right there. The one that says "Rosebud Trucking Company."

"Rosebud?"

Balki, just before the federal drug agent died, he said, "Rosebud."

He must have been talking about Rosebud Trucking Company.

And that must mean Marco is using

MARCO: Very good.

You put everything together.

Now as soon as you give me your videotape

you two will be pushing up daisies.

I love daisies.

Especially the little white ones or the little pink ones.

For some reason I'm not that fond of the yellow ones.

I mean you'll be sleeping with the fishes!

I love fishes, but I've never slept with one.

Balki, he means he's going to kill us.

And I'm supposed to figure this out from fish and daisies?

You see, you two can link me to the drug shipments.

And you saw the murder.

Well, I gotta kill ya.

Nothin' personal.

(CRACKS)

You know, we're, we're very good at keeping secrets.

I heard a good one in the sixth grade

about Mr. Potter, the shop teacher.

To this day I haven't told anyone.

Cousin, is that the same Mr. Potter

that was also Mrs. Olsen, the substitute home EC teacher?

What's going on here?

Darla!

Cousin, this, this is one special woman

taking time off from her honeymoon to come and save us.

But no, Darla, this is a dangerous place.

Save yourself.

Are you finished?

Yes, but I was wondering why I never got

that autographed picture that I sent for?

Although you have been busy with the, uh,

the wedding and all.

Kill him first.

No, Darla, you don't want to kill us

It's your housekeepers illegitimate son-in-law

who's been putting the poison in your diet shake.

Balki, you don't get it.

She and her crooked commissioner husband

are obviously in on this.

It's the last piece of the puzzle.

Get the tape and then, get rid of them.

Give me the tape. Why should I?

Because if you don't, I'll fix it so your knees bend both ways.

Okay, happy viewing.

MAN: What's this?

That displeases me. Well, it gets better.

You see, in just a little bit the Road Runner gets away

and the Coyote bashes into a brick wall.

Oh, look, look!

Balki, what did you do with the tape?

Well, that's for you to know

and me to find out, bucko!

I may be a simple Mypiot boy

but I'm smart enough to have switched the tapes.

Get the needle nose pliers and some barbed wire!

Oh! Are we going to make a goat pen?

No.

He's gonna hurt us.

Oh, ha, I was really hoping we were going to make a goat pen.

(LAUGHS)

I'm so scared.

Just leave him to me. I'll make him talk.

Argh!

Tell me where you put the tape!

Ow!

We'll take you to the tape if you promise not to kill us.

Okay. That sounds fair to me.

But if you mess around with me

I'm gonna rip your heart out right through your ear!

Balki, as soon as we give him the tape, they're gonna kill us.

Well, cousin, Don't worry. I have a plan.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

What's the plan?

Cousin, remember I told you

Got it.

Move it.

Oh, hey, back up, man. I just got my dis...

Get the tape.

Anyone for a musical?

Get it! It's Doris Day.

Just... Just one moment.

Cousin, here we go

compliments of Ferdinand, the Obese.

BOTH: What's that?

Get them!

Not them! Get them!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Ooh, watch it! Watch it, Balki!

Ooh! Ooh! Sorry! Sorry!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Will you come on?

Oh!

Oh! Get down!

Seen 'em?

No, but I know they came in here!

I saw 'em come in!

Keep lookin' around.

There they are, right there!

Oh!

Oh!

There, there! Go on!

Alright, give me the tape.

So long, Balki. It's been fun.

(SIRENS BLARING)

Boss...

OFFICER: Hold it right there!

Don't move!

Larry, Larry! Balki!

Are you okay?

We were really lucky.

they found out the police already had Marco under surveillance.

So all they had to do was close in and arrest him.

We were minutes away from certain death.

But the exciting part is after that

we bought maps to the stars homes

and I got to shake hands with Pat Sajak's gardener!

Well, what excites me is that the story went national

and we beat every paper in the country

including the Washington Post.

Nice work, boys. Thank you, sir.

You know, Appleton, when I made you an investigative reporter

everyone on the paper said I was an idiot.

But you proved them wrong.

Well, thank you, sir.

Boy, cousin, that was one scary weekend.

I hope we never have to go through

anything like that again.

Well, you know, Balki, as an investigative reporter

I'm gonna have to get used to living on the edge.

(LARRY CHUCKLES)

I have to confess I, I kind of enjoyed

mixing it up with men who were trying to kill us.

They thought they had us on the run.

Huh, they were lucky

those police closed in when they did.

Yeah, they're gonna have to learn

they're gonna do hard time.

Hit the deck!

You can come out now, cousin.

The book wasn't loaded.