Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothings gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall on the wings of my dream

Rise and fall on the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder the wind and haze

I'm bound for better days Ooh oh ooh

It's my life and my dream

Nothings gonna stop me now

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GUNSHOTS)

Cousin, uh-uh-uh, they're gaining on us.

You better step in it.

Look at the road, watch the road.

Woah! Woah!

(GROANING)

Cousin, are you aware you just ran a stop sign?

Yes, I'm aware of that. Well...

I'm also aware there are people trying to kill us.

But I happen to prefer traffic school to death.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

This is the worst day of my life.

Oh, cousin, come on.

Oh, you're right. They've stopped shooting at us.

Maybe they're out of bullets.

(GUNSHOT)

Ah. And maybe not.

How did we ever get into this mess?

Well... Well, to make a short story long

it was a crisp day in the windy city

and Balki had a new toy and...

Balki, I have great news.

Oh, cousin, so do I.

I got a new video camera and I can videotape you

telling me your great news and we can relive it forever.

Balki. Cousin, this is gonna be great.

I read the manual back to front.

I set the aperture at 1.3.

And I set the white balance at 42.8, and it's just--

Balki, Balki, Balki... I adjusted the, the thing...

(SCREAMS)

Oh, that is much better.

I have incredible news.

I just got an out of town assignment.

Oh, cousin, that's wonderful.

All my hard work is finally paying off.

I'm getting a perk.

I had to have it surgically removed by the village barber.

Mr. Wainwright is sending me to Los Angeles to cover a story.

Los Angeles? Oh, cousin, what's the assignment?

Political scandal? Oil spill? No. No.

Not Zsa Zsa again? No, no, no.

No, it's a wedding. But not just any wedding.

It's a big Hollywood wedding.

Ed Albrecht, the Chicago Civic Affairs Commissioner

is marrying the actress who plays Darla Wayne

on that TV soap opera, El Segundo.

Darla Wayne!

I... I... She's my favorite.

I never miss that show.

Oh, cousin, well, finally she's marrying a decent man.

Balki, Darla Wayne is not real.

Cousin, I know a lot of people think Darla's a phony

but deep down she's a good girl.

Darla Wayne is a character on TV.

She's played by an actress named Marcy Eden.

A new husband, a new, a new job, a new name.

What a year this is going to be for Darla.

Yes, yes, it is.

Hi. Well, hi.

Are you guys ready to go to lunch?

The paper is sending me to Los Angeles for the weekend

in first class.

But the best part is cousin Larry

is going to do a story on Darla Wayne's wedding.

Darla Wayne? Yeah.

I love Darla Wayne.

Although she hasn't quite been the same

since that quicksand incident.

Mary Anne, Darla Wayne is not real.

Jennifer, Jennifer... You see, she's played by--

Unh. Let it go.

Well, Larry, if you're gonna be in Los Angeles this weekend

Mary Anne and I could switch to the L.A. flight

and meet you there.

Well, that would be terrific.

After the wedding we could get together

and see the sights of L.A.

We can, we can, we can go to Disneyland.

And then we can go watch the sunset from the Sunset Strip

and we can play polo at the Polo Lounge

and we can go bowling at the Hollywood Bowl.

I mean, I mean, all of you

three could, could do those things.

I, of course won't be there.

You know, Larry, you could always cash in

your first class ticket for two coach seats

and then Balki could come.

Balki, you wouldn't wanna go to L.A., would you?

I mean, it's hot, it's smoggy, the traffic is horrible.

Oh, no, no, cousin, I, I, you're right.

I, I wouldn't want to go to Los Angeles, California, USA

with my closest friends on Earth

or, or meet Darla Wayne in person or...

Have my picture taken with Mickey and...

Mm-mm-Min-Minnie.

Okay, then it's just the three of us.

Larry. You heard him.

He doesn't wanna go.

(SOBBING)

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Oh, cousin.

Oh, God.

Oh, cousin, this means a lot to me because...

I love L.A.

From the South Bay to the Valley

From the West Side to the East Side

Everybody's very happy

Cause the sun is shining all the time

Looks like another perfect day

I love L.A.

We love it

I love L.A.

We love it

I love L.A.

What a lovely wedding.

Doesn't Darla look beautiful?

(CHATTER)

Oh. Oh.

You're that jealous dress designer that

that deliberately put Darla in horizontal stripes.

Shame on you, Ms. Longiene.

Balki, stop it. Stop taping.

Stop shoving that thing in people's faces.

Cousin, I got to get close, I can't see a thing.

Well, here. Use the zoom lens.

Oh, cousin, look at the time.

We're supposed to meet Jennifer and Mary Anne in the lobby.

Well, I can't leave, I don't have a story yet.

Champagne and sushi.

Cousin, how you can say you don't have a story?

You interviewed Darla Wayne.

Well, I'd hardly call it an interview.

We talked for ten minutes about her new perfume

Suddenly Darla. I got nothin.

Cousin, remember what you told me?

Small. I said there were no small stories and I was wrong.

This is a small story.

Look.

Over there is Commissioner Albrechts

secretary stuffing hors doeuvres into her purse.

And over there is a guy who keeps

trying to sell me life insurance.

Oh, my Lord.

What is it, cousin? That's Marco Madison.

He's very big in the underworld.

Really? Yes.

Boxers or briefs?

Not underwear, underworld. He's big in the underworld.

There he is. Let's go.

Right behind you, boss.

Hey, pal. Wanna have a little talk?

Well, I-- Now.

Balki, there may be a story here yet.

I don't understand. Now you don't understand.

MAN 1: I really don't know what you're talking about?

MARCO: I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.

You got it all wrong. Get down, get down.

MALE 1: I wouldn't double-cross you.

I, I thought we were in this together.

You know my people.

MARCO: Yeah, but I know my people better.

They seem to be arguing about something.

Balki, tape this for me. No, no, cousin.

No, you-you distinctly said, "Balki, stop it."

And then you took my... You pulled it down... Ow.

Tape it. Okay.

MARCO: You delivered the stuff, and I want the money.

And don't lie. I'm not lying.

What do you mean you're not lying?

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

Oh, my Lord.

I knew it.

Every time Darla gets married

somebody gets killed.

Boss, over there.

MARCO: Let's get em.

MALE 2: Boss, he's got a camera.

Uh, no, no. Uh-uh, it's not this one.

It's a blue Mercedes and there's, uh, no one on the hood.

Uh, right away.

I'll go with you.

Get those guys. Run, cousin, run.

Get that camera.

This way, Balki.

Check the basket, check the basket.

MALE 2: They must be here somewhere.

Cousin, cousin, cousin.

Maybe this isn't the best of all possible hiding places.

(ALL CHEERING)

I just... I just wanna tell everyone

how very happy I am to be here.

Where are we? I don't know.

Congratulations, Darla. Congratulations, Darla.

(CHATTERING)

Oh, look, who's that? What are they doing here?

(GROANING)

Rosebud. Oh, he said something.

What did he say? I don't know.

Call the police!

Oh, he's dead. That man is dead.

Call the police.

(ALL SCREAMING)

I hope we haven't missed them.

Oh, relax, Jennifer. We're only a few minutes late.

Well, we wouldn't have been late at all

He was a movie producer.

He was driving an ice cream truck.

(GASPING)

Oh, hi. Something came up. Call you later.

BALKI: You look lovely, Mary Anne.

Thank you, Balki.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HONKING)

What was that all about?

Oh, my God.

Those lucky stiffs.

Larry and Balki got parts in a movie.

(GROANS)

Oh, damn it, Sheila.

Because we're on vacation.

And riding bicycles is what people do in California.

It's something I want to do in California.

(GASPING)

Look.

What are you doing? What're you doing there?

Now don't do that. What are you doing?

I'm sorry. I know what you must think.

But you see, we were at Darla Wayne's wedding

and there was, there was a murder, there was a murder.

It was right after the ceremony and before they cut the cake--

Balki.

But I just want to explain, cousin.

(SCREAMING)

They stole our bike.

Is that something else people do in California?

MALE 3: Out of my way.

Rollin down

The Imperial Highway

With a big nasty redhead at my side

Santa Ana winds blowing hot from the north

And we was born to ride

Roll down the window put down the top

Crank up the Beach Boys baby don't let the music stop

We're gonna ride it till we just can't ride it no more

From the South Bay to the Valley

From the West Side to the East Side

Everybody's very happy

Cause the sun is shining all the time

Looks like another perfect day

I love L.A.

We love it

Balki! Look out.

Sorry. Coming through.

Sorry.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Oh. Come, come on. Come on.

BALKI: But, but cousin, I got I gotta get the camera.

Balki, we're trapped.

No, cousin, no, we're not.

Oh, oh, oh.

We're dead men. Cousin, we, we can jump.

We're still dead men.

We, we have to jump.

No. No. No. We have to jump.

Now, come on. Whoa! Oh, no. No.

Cousin, on the count of three. Okay, ready?

One... Two... Three.

(SCREAMS)

Sorry, cousin. It, uh, it was a natural mistake.

You said, "Jump."

Well, if you didn't mean jump into the water

Learn to be specific.

jump into the water.

You could have hurt yourself.

when people are trying to kill me.

Cousin, we got to get to the police.

They'll protect us.

We can't go to the police.

200 people saw a dead man in my arms

while I was holding the murder weapon over his lifeless body.

Cousin, I videotaped the murder.

The tape will prove us innocent.

be anything on that tape?

You are not the worlds greatest cameraman, you know.

Now why don't we just play that tape back?

Well, cousin, that's going to be a little tough.

Well, no, it's not gonna be a little tough.

You just put your finger on the play button and push.

Well... The play button has been replaced...

Okay, okay, all right. It's not the end of the world.

All we need is to, to find someplace

where we can playback the tape.

A, a video store.

Of course, uh, we're not familiar with the city.

So, so, we'll have to get a map.

All we need is the yellow pages and a map.

Of course, we have no transportation.

So, so, uh, we, we'll get a bus schedule.

So all we need is the yellow pages, a map and a bus schedule.

Or we could go in there.

That's another way to go.

(CHATTERING)

Cousin, look at this. Stop it.

No, thanks. We're just looking.

Well, you came at the right time.

Cousin, look at this.

We can get 25 percent off any floor item with our good credit.

That's right, during our sale

Let me get my money. Uh, no, no, no thanks.

We're just looking.

We're just looking.

I hope you got this.

TV ANNOUNCER: An additional clean-up crew is expected to arrive on the scene.

This just in, earlier today violence rocked the wedding

of soap opera star Marcy Eden who plays Darla Wayne

on the popular daytime drama, El Segundo.

The celebration was cut short when two men posing as reporters

brutally murdered one of the wedding guests.

Cousin, cousin, cousin, cousin... You've got to see this.

Cousin, you've got to pay attention.

Leave me alone, we have got to see this.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay. Leave me alone.

Police are searching for the two assailants

tentatively identified as Larry Appleton and Balki Bar...

Bart... Bartokomous.

Cousin, you've got to... You've just got to come. Please.

Balki, I am trying to work on this VCR.

I am trying to work on it.

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

Your listening skills have not been honed. Listen.

The victim was an undercover narcotics agent, Richard Tracy.

The two suspects are considered armed and dangerous.

There they are. Those are the killers.

The killers? Hurry.

Balki, the tape is jammed. Oh, God.

(CHATTERING)

Oh, my God. They're the murderers.

All right, here we go.

Hey, hey. Wait. Stop. They're taking my machine.

Cousin. What is it?

Now come on.

Run. Ah.

I hate Los Angeles.

It's smoggy, the only celebrity Ive seen is Jerry Mathers

and two madmen stole our rent-a-bike.

Herb, please.

We just had a bad morning, that's all.

Now it's all over.

Now, let's just get in the car and go to Disneyland.

Give me the keys.

Cousin. It's them again.

Yeah, is this a small world or what?

You're never gonna guess what happened to us.

We were on the pier and there was this

horrible miscommunication.

Now if I said jump...

Balki! Balki, get in the car!

Get in the car! Get in! Oh. Oh, God. God. God.

What're ya... That's my car. You're doing that...

That's my car.

Whoa!

Let's go!

So anyway, uh... Then we ran into that nice couple again

and they were nice enough to lend us their car

which was really quite generous of them.

Thank you, Balki. You're most welcome.

(GUNSHOT)

Balki, I think they're getting closer.

BALKI: Oh. Oh. Oh.

Uh, cousin, don't worry about them.

Worry about that!

(SCREAMING)