Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dreams

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dreams

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Who's got the pain when they do the mambo?

Who's got the pain when they go ooh?

Who's got the pain when they do the mambo?

I don't know who do you?

Someone must be sick of the heat

Or stepping on everyone's feet

BALKI: Hi, cousin!

"Bang-bong binki-ninki baklava?"

Bingo!

Want a big bite, booby?

Better not, buddy.

Bummer.

Bitter, Balki?

You bet your bibbi-babkas I'm bitter, baby.

I broke my butt baking these itty-bitty binki-ninkis.

And believe me, I banked on a bit

of basic brotherly bolstering.

Balki, buddy, baby.

I've had a lot on my mind.

Wainwright gave me a very tough assignment.

I've gotta do a "Whatever Happened To" piece

on 'Ace' Atkins.

Oh, I'd love to know where he is.

I'd love to know who he is.

"Highly decorated Korean War pilot.

"After the war, he became a test pilot.

"Currently owner and operator of an air charter company

and a Mister Softee ice cream franchise."

Wow, cousin, you're good!

Can you find out whatever happened to Mr. T?

"I pity the fool! I pity the fool!"

Wainwright wants me to go up in Ace's plane tomorrow

so I can do a firsthand account

of what it's like to fly with him.

(GASPS) Cousin, cousin, cousin! Please! Can I go?

Please take me to the friendly skies!

Balki is ready when you are.

I love to fly and it shows.

Well, you can go if you want.

You can tell me what it was like, 'cause I won't be there.

Cousin, how you can write an article about flying

with Ace unless you fly with Ace?

Balki, I'm a writer.

I wrote a very comprehensive article

about the sexual revolution.

I think you owe your readers a little more than that.

Cousin, you have to go up in that plane.

Balki, I don't like small planes.

They tend to fall out of the sky.

Cousin, it's your duty as a journalist.

Ted Koppel would go.

Sam Donaldson would go.

Clark Kent would go.

Of course he wouldn't need a plane, but...

Balki, you can't change my mind.

I'll tell Jennifer you sleep with a night light.

(LARRY SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

That particular move is the reason for the invention

of the air sickness bag.

Can you tell me why the white zone

is for loading and unloading passengers only?

Well, do we have to be up so high?

Oh, give me an airplane, and an unlimited ceiling

and I am a happy man. (CHUCKLES)

Give me a flight of stairs and a Slinky

and I'm a happy man.

You are not alone there, my friend. (LAUGHING)

MAN ON RADIO: Tower, calling Nancy 7-8-3-5 Romeo.

Nancy 7-8-3-5 Romeo, come in, please.

Oh, shut up! (LAUGHS)

Who, who was that, the automatic pilot?

Nah, it's them jerks in the tower.

Well, shouldn't you answer that? It might be important.

a flight plan.

Hey, I don't know where I'm goin', why should they? (LAUGHING)

We're flying with a lunatic!

Say, would you like to fly?

I would love to fly!

But I'm not sure I have the upper body strength.

The plane? Yes.

Hold it, Balki!

for anybody but Ace to fly his plane.

Oh, there's too damn many of them rules

and regulations, if you ask me.

So he fails a couple of 'em psychological tests, who cares?

Look at me, do I look unstable?

(LAUGHING)

Not at all. Well, I think I've got enough

for my article anyway.

Why don't we call it a day?

Not before we have us some fun.

(SCREAMING)

Ooh, don't you just love it when all the blood is rushing

to your head, and you're just this close to blackin' out?

(LAUGHS)

drinking a cold soda real fast while blindfolded?

Oh, I love that! Oh!

Have you ever held your breath and put your head

in a tub of Jell-O?

Oh, don't get your shorts in a bunch!

I've got everything under control.

Uh-oh.

Looks like we got us a situation here.

I can't seem to pull her out of the dive.

We're gonna have to bail out.

(SCREAMS)

Cousin, cousin, cousin, come on.

It's going to be fun, we get to, we get to

jump out of an airplane.

Just put 'em on, jump outta the plane

count to three, and pull this here doohickey.

Okay. Well...

I'll see you boys on the ground.

At which time, I will give you both

a valuable coupon worth five cents toward purchase

of any Mister Softee item.

(STAMMERING) Wait, wait...

No, no, no. Oh, not good on Saturdays.

Uh, uh, pu-pull the doohickey, uh, jump, then count to three.

No! Uh, Balki, I don't remember what he said!

He said the coupon's not good on Saturday.

The parachutes!

There are no parachutes. What?

Yeah, just a note that says, "Borrowed a couple of chutes.

Hope you don't mind. Dave."

(LARRY WHIMPERS)

"Hope you don't mind?"

No, I don't mind, actually I prefer the front seat.

Balki!

the plane ourselves.

What are you doing? You can't fly this plane!

Well, well, cousin, how hard can it be?

Mr. Ace said he could fly it

with both eyes tied behind his back.

(LARRY GASPING)

You see, cousin? I made us stop falling out of the sky!

Now, we are so happy, we do the dance of joy! (SINGS)

Balki, that's not good enough!

We've still got to land this plane!

Cousin, don't take your shorts out to brunch!

While, while we were taking off

and you were breathing into that paper bag

I watched everything that Mr. Ace did.

Now, if I can just do it backwards

maybe I can land the plane.

Oh, my Lord, we're gonna die!

No, cousin, we're not going to die.

The first thing he did, he, he, he called the tower.

Suck wind, bozos, I'm bringing her in.

(LAUGHS)

(SCREAMING)

(SIGHS)

(PANTING)

I never thought I'd see this apartment again.

Look at this apartment! I love this apartment!

(SMACKS LIPS)

Look at this couch, I love this couch! (SMACKS LIPS)

Cousin?

Look at this hand, I love this hand!

(SMACKS LIPS)

Look at that face! I love that face!

Cousin, cousin.

You've kissed everything from here to the airport.

I don't think that policeman was that happy

when you planted one on his horse.

Balki, I'm just happy to be alive.

Do you know what happened?

and the next, you made a three-point landing.

Somebody was lookin' out for us today.

Of course!

Teflonos was with us today!

The Myposian God of protection.

Any relation to Levolos, the God of window treatments?

Scoff if you will, cousin, but once Teflonos puts

his protective, non-stick shield around you

for the next phase of the moon, you're indestructible.

Oh, cousin!

to put my head in a lion's mouth!

(GRUNTS)

Balki, there is no such thing as Teflonos

and if you put your head in a lion's mouth...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going upstairs

to tell my fiance how close I came to death today

and while she is comforting me

why don't you try and get in touch with "Realitos?"

(DOOR SHUTS)

Teflonos, I know you're with me.

(CHUCKLES) So...

(CHUCKLES) Here goes.

(VASE SHATTERING)

(LAUGHING)

This is going to be fun!

(WHISTLES)

(EXCLAIMING)

(DOOR OPENS)

Good morning, cousin. Good morning, Balki.

Ah!

You're not still thinking about putting your head

in a lion's mouth, are you?

The circus don't come to town for two months

and I'm only indestructible for one.

Balki? Balki?

(GRUNTS)

Balki? What are you doing?

Bungee cords, cousin.

I'm going to, to dive off the fire escape

and see how close I can get to the ground

without actually hitting it.

Uh, uh, Balki, I have seen

bungee cord jumping on television.

It is very dangerous.

People have been killed trying it.

Well, they were foolish to try it

without Teflonos's protection.

Ah! No, no, no! Balki!

(GRUNTS)

Well, cousin, you can't stop me.

(YELLING) No! No, no.

No! No. No.

(PANTING) All right, Balki, Balki.

Listen to me. Listen to me.

(PANTING)

Well, cousin, that's where you're wrong.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(WHIMPERING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What a rush!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What a thrill!

What an experience!

I have never felt anything like it

before in my life!

You're falling and then suddenly

(IMITATES SPRING)

You stop...

Inches from certain death!

That bungee cord shouldn't have been able to hold our weight,

but it did!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

Oh!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GRUNTING)

You know, Balki...

(BREATHING HEAVILY) That was incredible!

Yeah, it sure was!

Now, let me get this straight.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

For the next 28 days

we can do anything we want and not get hurt?

Ah, that's right, cousin.

What death-defying, life-threatening stunt

is first on your list?

Well, you know...

I've always had this secret desire

to go right to the top of the Sears Tower

and go right ahead and look down!

Yeah, well, I can, I can see

why that would be a big step for you, cousin

but while we're under Teflonos' protection

why you don't think of something a little more daring?

Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to do.

No, I can't, it's ridiculous!

Well, of course you can!

Do be ridiculous!

Balki, you're right!

Let's do it!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

This is great! Yeah.

I'd say this was the best time I ever had!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Balki, I got a great idea. What?

Why don't you drive for a while?

That's a great idea!

(LAUGHING)

Well...

(ENGINE REVVING)

(LAUGHING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Cousin, cousin, I love the new spontaneous you!

What's next on our list?

Well, we're scheduled

to get shot out of a cannon at 4:00

but that might interfere

Maybe we could get the cannon

to shoot us into the shark pool!

Great idea! But it has to be at feeding time!

Oh, yeah, right.

(YELLING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Cousin, I was thinking

tomorrow might be a good time for you

to get over your fear of small planes!

Great idea!

Cousin, you don't know how to fly a plane!

Well, I don't know how to drive a motorcycle, either!

That's a good point, very good point.

Let's hang two! Okay.

Well, what's that sign say?

Freeway ends in 300 feet. Yes!

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH) Yeah!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Cousin, that was great!

You wanna go back and buzz Wrigley Field again?

Maybe this time we can get the ball autographed.

Okay, my turn!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Ah, that was great!

(LAUGHING)

(GASPS) Oh! Oh! Oh!

(BOTH YELLING)

(LAUGHING)

Whoa! Nice maneuver, cousin.

Uh. Oh, I thought you did that.

Oh, no, no, that wasn't me.

More than that kind of serpentine, uh, type of thing.

Okay, well, pull her up.

(CHUCKLES)

I can't. Just pull back on the stick.

I'm getting a strange feeling.

Well, of course you feel strange.

but we are safe, thanks to good ol' Teflonos.

(CHUCKLES) Just pull her out of this.

Oh, my God!

What if we're not indestructible anymore?

Well, Balki, that's not possible.

and it's only been a week.

Yeah, but, but maybe

to protect two people.

Maybe he can only take care of one of us.

Cousin, if I leave, you'll be saved.

No, no, Ba-Balki, don't do this!

But, cousin, it's our only chance!

(STAMMERING) Whoa!

Suppose Teflonos decides to protect you

I'm gonna hit the ground like an overripe cantaloupe!

Teflonos, if you can hear me

I want you to stay with Cousin Larry.

Goodbye, cousin.

Oh, no. No, no, no! No. Uh, Balki.

Well, no, wait. Wait, wait, Balki.

Balki. Oh. Balki. Don't do this! Balki. Balki.

Oh, no. No.

Hey, Balki!

I guess Teflonos decided to stay with me!

See you on the ground!

You can wake up. It's all right, it's all right.

Where am I?

Why are you beating me up?

(STAMMERING) And, uh...

We went into a dive and, and you fainted.

Yeah, you passed out before I could tell you

I was just kidding about that bailin' out business.

Well, that's your idea of a joke?

Now, you see, that's the trouble with you civilians.

You ain't got no sense of humor.

Just like them tough butts at NASA.

You mean, you didn't bail out?

Balki didn't land the plane?

We didn't drive a motorcycle?

I don't think Cousin Larry is playing with a full deck chair.

It must have been a dream. Why, it seemed so real!

Balki, we did things you wouldn't believe!

Well, Mr. Ace says he can do some things

you wouldn't believe.

that makes almost all the blood go below your knees.

Show him, Mr. Ace. All right!

(SCREAMING)

Well, cousin, except for the screaming and the fainting

you had fun.

I guess you've gotten over your fear of small planes.

Balki, I'm never going up in a small plane again.

I guess I was wrong.

(SIGHING)

You know, sometimes a little fear is a good thing.

I'm going to bed now.

(SIGHS)

You know, tomorrow after I finish my article

I'm going to spend the rest of the day

enjoying some nice, safe

non-life-threatening leisure activity.

(CHUCKLES) Cousin, cousin.

Here's something you might like.

"Bungee jumping. Take the plunge."

Uh, may I see that? Oh, sure.

Oh. Uh...

Thank you. You're most welcome.