Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dreams

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dreams

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Copy.

Balki... Ah! Ah!

Look, you've been moping around for two days now.

This secret thing has gone on long enough.

Cousin, I have nothing to say.

and we are gonna talk about it

Right here right now.

Cousin, forget it. Wild pigs couldn't drag it out of me.

Balki... And that's final.

Well, it doesn't matter whether you tell me or not.

I know everything.

Well, you didn't think you could keep something like this

a secret, did you?

Oh, cousin.

You're right.

A feud?

A five-hundred-year-old feud?

as the feud between the Bartokomouses

and the Bauchelitises from Skeptos.

A five-hundred-year-old feud

Well, who else would you feud with?

Well, who else indeed?

So Zoltan Bauchelitis will be here Friday to fight the duel.

A duel? You're gonna fight a duel?

Cousin, for someone who knows everything

you, you seem surprised you, you seem...shocked.

You seem like...like a person

who...who...

Yes, I tricked Balki. And it's a good thing I did.

'Cause Balki wasn't going to tell me about this duel.

Well, cousin, Balki didn't want

You have Balki's Bartokomous blood in your body.

Beating in your heart.

Coursing through your veins.

Balki, you can't fight a duel.

A duel is savage, cruel, primitive.

Oh, not this one, cousin.

First we do the basic ritual, Crowing.

Then, we do the standard ritual, Dance of Danger.

And then, of course, there's the puppet show, and...

Finally we kuzotski until one of us gets his ears boxed.

That's it?

You don't try to kill each other?

That would take all the fun out of the puppet show.

Now...let me get this straight.

A man is coming over here to make arrangements

to fight a duel, so he can hurt you real bad.

And you're serving him food?

What do you do when you go to war? Have it catered?

Now, cousin, Zoltan is our guest

so we have to treat him with respect and courtesy.

And, cousin, this is very important.

The Bauchelitises...

...are very, very sensitive

about their appearance.

So whatever you do

Don't say anything about his crow's feet

or those lines around his eyes, and most importantly...

Okay, Balki, Balki. Listen, listen, never, ever--

Cousin, listen-- Balki--

The Appletons have not fought a duel

for five or six hundred years now.

Which would seem to indicate

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Cousin, just to be on the safe side.

Don't let him know you're my cousin.

Greetings, you Bartokomous shydbok.

Welcome, you Bauchelitis babasticki.

Make yourself comfortable.

My home is infested by your presence.

Snout puff? Who you calling a snout puff?

I made them myself.

Your snout puffs are a little on the runny side.

You always were a picky eater, Zoltan.

Oh, uh, you two, uh, know each other?

We were bandage boys at the last Bartokomous-Bauchelitis duel.

The good old days.

(BOTH SIGH)

Please, my sofa is soiled by your sitting.

So, Zoltan, when would you like to fight the duel?

Tomorrow, at sunset.

Agreed.

It's a done duel.

All right, now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Two grown men fighting like children?

Why is this person here?

He's not related to you, is he?

Let me handle this.

Cousin Larry is just a friend.

What? A cousin.

He's a Bartokomous.

Well, just barely.

Much like Tito is one of the Jackson 5.

but I'm sure if you talk it out

No reason?

Your thieving Bartokomous ancestor

sold my trusting ancestor an anti-social near-sighted goat.

Who led the rest of the flock over a cliff to their deaths.

I beg to quibble with you.

That goat was not near-sighted.

He was depressed.

And he committed suicide

because your insensitive Bauchelitis ancestors

ignored his little goat cries for help.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

So, five hundred years ago

there was a horrible goat tragedy.

It's time to let it go.

We will never reconcile with a family

whose dishonesty stretches as long as their noses.

We will not be insulted by a family

whose honor is as small as their loincloths.

Hold it.

Will you listen to the two of you?

Your feud has become nothing but silly insults.

You're-you're fighting about how you look.

Now, I wouldn't fight a duel if someone said I was short.

Well, of course not, cousin, you'd be fighting every week.

And, Balki...

Balki, you wouldn't fight a duel with me

if I said that, uh...

your feet were so big

they came into the room

five minutes before you did?

Ha.

I have big feet?

No, no. Well...no, no.

But if I said you had big feet

you wouldn't fight a duel with me over it, would you?

Well, no. Well, there you go.

Well... There you go.

Well...

And, Zoltan, you wouldn't fight a duel with me

if I said that your...

Your eyebrows look like a fur headband.

What? Oh, cousin.

He didn't say your eyebrows look like a fur headband.

He said he thought he saw you before on Bandstand.

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, cousin. Balki, I was just making...

You just don't know what you did.

It was just a joke. You're dead.

It was just a joke. You're dead.

Now I said your eyebrows look like a fur headband.

Oh, God.

Well, I guess it bothers you a little bit.

Zakina boot.

Rak mordik inta.

Now, what was that all about?

Well, so? You insulted his loincloth.

But, cousin, I told you the Bauchelitises are very sensitive

about their appearances

and they're most especially

sensitive about their eyebrows.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Because you wouldn't let me get it in

Mr. My-family-hasn't-fought- a-duel-in-five-hundred-years.

Well, the streak is over.

What are you talking about?

Cousin, Zoltan said, "Zakina boot, Rak mordik inta."

That means... Oh how do you conjugate zakina?

Zakini, zakino, zakina.

The duel is on, and I'm fighting it with you, short, lipless one.

What do you mean, I'm fighting the duel with Zoltan?

Cousin, he tweaked your nose.

Cousin, you have to.

No, I don't.

Cousin, if you refuse to fight the duel

at the time agreed upon, then Zoltan can attack you any time

any place without warning.

Zoltan didn't look so tough to me.

Yeah, he may find out

Cousin, biting's against the rules.

No, I mean I can take care of myself.

Yeah, I might like fightin' this guy.

Yeah, yeah, I'd like to pay Zoltan back

for tweakin' my nose.

That hurt.

Well, cousin, since this is your first Myposian duel

uh, maybe I should tell you about it.

No need. I know what to do.

I crow like a rooster.

Then we kuzotski until one of us gets his ears boxed.

That is correct.

Here's the box to put Zoltan's ears in.

What are you talking about?

What did you think boxing his ears meant?

It's an expression. It means to punch someone in the ear.

It is?

On Mypos it means to cut off someone's ears

and put them in a box.

Oh, my lord.

Cousin, your worries are over.

Mama paid a visit to the scroll mobile

and she sent me Robert's Rules of Duels.

I'm sure there's something in here to disqualify you.

It's not necessary, Balki.

I'm not fighting a duel.

Unlike Mypos, this is a civilized country.

When someone threatens to cut off your ears

you do the civilized thing.

You call the police, and have them deported.

So it is "So long, Zoltan." Let's go to dinner.

Cousin, cousin, I hope you know what you're doing.

Just as I suspected.

Oh, yeah? Well, if Cousin Larry was a coward

he'd be calling the police right now.

9-1-1. 9-1-1. 9-1-1. 9-1-1.

Prepare to defend yourself, Bartokomous pukiliki.

W...w...w...wait a minute, wait a minute.

D...don't I have to crow like a rooster first?

Zoltan, you're gonna love this.

Cousin Larry does a terrific rooster.

Go ahead, cousin.

(IMITATES ROOSTER CROWING)

My blade thirsts for your ears.

Uh-oh.

As for the rest of the preliminaries, I win them.

Balki, can he do that?

I'm afraid so, cousin.

Boy, you really know your rules.

What about the puppet show?

Ooh, nice ear extensions on the mask, Zoltan.

Thank you.

I'll give you a moment to gather your puny Bartokomous nerve.

Cousin, cousin, just stay away from him

until I can find a loophole.

Well, I don't know if I can.

Well, sure you can, cousin.

Zoltan might not be very good with the kuzotski.

You think so?

but sometimes the skill skips a generation.

Nice...nice slashing, Zoltan.

Balki, find a loophole.

Bauchelitis eterminiki.

A-ha!

Cousin, cousin, I think I found a rule that can work for us.

Once you get your blood spilled you get a free penalty hack.

Balki, that's not good enough.

Find a loophole that doesn't require blood.

That's it. Oh, thank God.

Well, Zoltan, good clean fight. No hard feelings.

Cousin...that's just the end of round one.

Round one? Yeah, but don't worry, cousin.

After seven hundred and fifty rounds it's declared a draw.

Round two begins now.

Can he do that?

Well, we'll appeal it, cousin.

En kuzotski. No.

Ha! Oh!

Oh, boy.

I do? Yeah.

He's trying to disembowel you

and if you die before he cuts off your ears he loses the duel.

Rule 27, paragraph 3.

(GRUNTS)

Wave goodbye to your ears. Balki.

Back off, Bauchelitis.

You can't interfere.

This is my fight.

My name is Balki Bartokomous.

You scared my cousin.

Prepare to lose your lobes.

(INTENSE MUSIC)

Balki, watch his left. He favors his left.

Thanks, cousin.

Have you noticed his right ain't too shabby, either?

(LAUGHS)

Ready when you are, Zoltan.

There's something I think you should know.

What is that? I can fence with both hands.

I'm amphibious.

Wow-wah.

Bartokomouki ekaniki!

Cousin.

Your ears are mine, Bartokomous swine.

Go ahead, Zoltan. Make my day.

Bartokomous, you have prevailed.

I give you my ears.

I give them back to you.

This feud has gone on long enough.

It ends here.

Mama says that the feasting went on for days

and, eh, they were going to kill the fatted calf

but everyone was so happy

they decided to put it on a diet instead.

Well, the end of a five-hundred-year-old feud

is cause for celebration.

Yeah.

Oh, cousin, mama says there's talk of a Bauchelitis marrying

a Bartokomous and everyone is hoping that the baby

gets the Bartokomous eyebrows.

And the Bauchelitis nose. Yeah.

Well, I'm just glad that everything turned out all right.

Cousin, thank you for showing me how futile the feud was.

Well, thank you for saving my ears.

Oh! Guess what mama sent us to commemorate the end of the duel.

A box of ears. Oh, Oh.

Cousin, vegetables are your friends.

(THEME MUSIC)