Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Whoa! Appleton, watch it.

You almost had a very expensive lawsuit on your hands.

(STAMMERS) I'm sorry, Mr. Gorpley. I'm just a little excited.

I just bought a racehorse!

Where did you get the money to buy a racehorse?

No, that's the beauty of it.

This horse only cost $2,200.

Oh, I get it. It's stuffed.

No, the reason it is so cheap is

because the guy who sold it to me

and he's got to liquidate all his assets,

It won't work. They find everything.

Tell him he can kiss his assets goodbye.

You can't touch this

(HUMMING TUNE)

Stop! Hammer time

(HUMMING)

Break it down

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh...

Balki, I have something to tell you. Balki...

BOTH: Oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh

Every time you see me that Hammer's just so hype

I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mic

Now why would I ever stop doing this

When others makin' records that just don't hit

I've toured around the world from London to the Bay

It's Hammer Go Hammer MC Hammer

Yo Hammer And the rest can go and play

Can't touch this

Cousin, how was your afternoon at the races?

Oh! Oh!

Balki. Balki, it was a great day.

I bought a horse.

Get out of the city!

Yeah, it was fate, Balki.

It was fate. It was meant to be.

The horse's name is Larry's Fortune.

(STAMMERS) Well, I don't exactly own him yet.

See, I gave the guy half the money

and unless I give him the other half I lose the first half.

So what do you say, buddy?

How would you like to be the co-owner of Larry's Fortune?

Oh, cousin, I would love to own a horse again.

I had a horse on Mypos. His name was Trotski.

Oh, I raised him from when he was just a baby.

He could plow 40 acres in half a day.

That Trotski could work like a horse.

And still, he had the energy left over for fun.

One day, I, uh, I started giving

rides to the little children on his back.

My back was out that day... Yeah, Balki, Balki...

Balki, buddy, buddy, baby.

Why don't we talk about your horse another time?

Let's talk about our horse!

Are you in?

Well, you know, I, I try to be kind of fresh...

(SNAPS FINGERS) Kind of happenin', kind of in.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

No, I mean, are you with me?

Well, of course I'm with you.

No, I mean, you're gonna buy the damn horse?

Yeah. You are?

Sure. Good!

so that the horse will have something to do.

You know what they say,

No, no, no, Balki, uh, this is not a farm animal.

This is a racehorse.

One of the fastest creatures on Earth.

We are going to race him!

(LAUGHS)

Cousin, give me a line of credit.

We could never run faster than a horse!

Gee, when you look through this end

everything looks so far away.

Ah, this is a perfect day.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing.

Appleton's gonna lose his shirt. Life is good.

What is it, kitten?

Well, do you think it was a good idea

to use our honeymoon money to buy this horse?

Kitten, kitten, kitten...

If... Excuse me, when Larry's Fortune wins this race,

we'll be able to go anywhere you want.

Well, I just wish you had discussed it with me first.

And, Larry...

Don't call me "kitten."

You're right.

...cupcake.

ANNOUNCER: (ON SPEAKERS) A reminder, pick six wagering

begins with this, the fourth race.

Oh!

Cousin Larry, we don't have a thing to worry about.

Cousin Larry's Fortune is ready for the race.

He was a little nervous at first, but he calmed right down

when I sang Danke Schoen to him.

And, cousin, you're not going to believe this,

but the man riding him is even shorter than you!

(TRUMPET BLOWING)

Mary Anne, look! There he is! Cousin Larry's Fortune!

Oh, Balki, he's beautiful.

I combed his mane myself.

I tried giving him a ponytail, but it seemed redundant.

ANNOUNCER: It's time for the fourth race...

This is it, Jennifer.

You just start thinking about

where you wanna spend our honeymoon.

ANNOUNCER: The flag is up!

(BUZZING)

They're off!

Silent Gold is right alongside second

followed by Paris Red coming third...

Where's Larry's Fortune?

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)

...and trailing back by some 40 lengths is Larry's Fortune.

There he is!

What's he doing back there?

It looks like walking to me.

BALKI: Oh, cousin, look how handsome he is.

He's not sweating and breathing hard like all the other horses.

Well, he's 50 lengths behind!

Come on, Paris Red! That's it! Come on!

(ANNOUNCER CONTINUES)

Way to go! Way to go! I won!

I won! What a surprise.

(LAUGHS)

Well, gee, I guess I'll just go collect my, uh, winnings.

It's really a shame they wouldn't let me bet

on the horse that was gonna finish last.

I had that right, too.

I've gotta go. I got lucky, too.

Did you pick a winner? I sure did!

I don't believe it!

I could have run faster than that.

I don't think so.

At least not with a man on your back.

I lost.

Well, it was a lot easier to see Larry's Fortune

without all those other horses around him.

I lost!

I guess this is a bad time to tell you

where I was hoping to go on our honeymoon.

I lost big.

There you are, Cousin Larry's Fortune.

Is this what you've been waiting for?

I was so proud of you today! You were so polite in that race.

You didn't push and shove your way ahead of the others.

What is wrong with you?

I mean, they had to delay the start

of the next race because of you.

Cousin, you are really hung up on this winning/losing thing.

of the positive space we're in?

MAN: Excuse me.

Oh, my God, he can talk!

This could be a whole new career for him!

MAN: I'm Dr. Tierney.

He does Dr. Tierney.

Who's Dr. Tierney?

I'm Dr. Tierney.

You should hear him do you.

Balki, it wasn't the horse. It was the doctor talking.

Are you the owners of this horse?

Yes, I'm Larry Appleton.

And this is my co-owner, Balki Bartokomous.

I'm the track veterinarian.

You know, I don't eat a whole lot of red meat myself.

Not "vegetarian."

"Veterinarian." Veterinarian.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

I'm sorry. Which war?

Horse doctor! He's a horse doctor!

I just finished examining your horse

and I'm afraid we got a problem here.

It appears he's suffering from Wright's Syndrome.

It's a lung disorder,

and I'm sorry to say it has no known cure.

I'm afraid the only thing you can do is put him to sleep.

I can take care of it in the morning.

Thank you.

(FAUCET RUNNING)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

LARRY: Balki!

Balki, get out here this minute!

Cousin, what's all the yelling about?

Balki, what is that horse doing in our apartment?

(PANTING)

What horse?

Balki!

Balki. Balki, this is crazy!

You cannot keep a horse in an apartment.

Oh, cousin, please, please, please!

It's the only way I can cure him.

Cousin, just say yes!

Balki, you heard Dr. Tierney, there is no cure.

Cousin, he said, "No known cure."

I just want to use an old remedy we use on Mypos.

It works on sheep, and you can use what's left over

to weatherproof your henhouse.

Can you believe they're getting $8.95 a pound for yak tail?

Balki, the horse can't stay here.

Cousin, all I need is 48 hours to see if the cure will work.

Balki, he's a horse!

You don't keep a horse in an apartment.

How can I possibly lose this argument?

Okay, okay, fine, cousin.

You want to tell the horse, you tell him yourself.

Come here, Cousin Larry's Fortune.

Now...

You look this gifted horse in the mouth

and tell him there's no room at the inn.

Come on, give Cousin Larry a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

All right, you can keep Larry's Fortune

Thank you, cousin.

So, this is it.

You're just going to sit there not taking your medicine.

I worked my fingers to the bone, chopping and grating,

not to mention pureeing...

And this is the thanks I get?

I want you to know you're putting a knife in my heart.

All right, come on, Cousin Larry's Fortune

just, just try it.

I ground the buzzard bones extra fine.

Come on. Come on.

Cousin Larry, I need your help again.

Balki, I did it twice yesterday and once this morning.

Please, don't make me do it again.

Do you want Cousin Larry's Fortune to get better?

Yes.

And don't kink the straw like you did last time.

Don't push me, Balki.

Mmm...

Mmm...

Good medicine.

(SLURPING) Mmm!

Oh! Can I have all of this?

No, Cousin Larry.

No. No. No. No. No. No.

Well, okay, if I have to, I have to.

Good boy.

(SLURPING)

Oh, good boy.

Oh, that's a good horsey.

You'll be trotting around in no time.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, here, take this.

Oh, hi, Mary Anne. Hi, Jennifer.

Hi, Fortune.

Does he like carrot cake, Balki?

I even planted carrots in the window box.

They should be up by spring.

Look what else we brought you, Fortune.

I'll get the plates.

Oh! Wow!

Look at that! Aren't you a lucky horse?

And the red really brings out the highlights in your mane.

We thought that would come in handy this winter.

You know how drafty it gets in here.

BALKI: Yeah. LARRY: Carrots in the spring?

A blanket for the winter?

Am I the only one who sees a problem

with having a horse in the apartment?

Calm down, Larry.

Yeah, cousin, he's having a much better day today

than he did yesterday.

I think it was that bubble bath we gave him.

Well, maybe he is getting better.

He does seem to have a little more color.

Mmm-hmm. Oh, no, no, no.

Before you get dessert,

Oh, no, no.

Okay, cousin. You know what to do.

Yeah, yeah.

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh.

Yeah.

Mmm, mmm, good medicine.

Mmm...

(COUGHS)

Balki. It's almost time for Mr. Ed.

I'll get the popcorn. You get the...

Is he taking a little nap?

Cousin, we have to talk.

Cousin, I'm afraid Cousin Larry's Fortune

has taken a turn for the worse.

He's been lying down all morning.

If the medicine, was going to work,

he'd be on his feet by now.

(STAMMERS) Well, we'll give him more medicine.

I think he was really starting to like the buzzard bones.

Uh, I know I was.

(STAMMERS) Well, here... Cousin, Cousin Larry...

Here, Fortune. Come on.

Come on. Here. Here.

Look, good... Here.

Cousin, cousin, excuse me. Good medicine. Good medicine.

What are you doing?

Just taking off the parsley.

Balki, I don't like parsley.

Cousin, it's not a decorative touch.

It's the secret power ingredient.

It flushes toxins out of the pancreas

and freshens the breath.

Balki, I've taken off the parsley every time.

Parsley! Parsley.

Nothing's happening. Just a minute. Just a minute.

It's gliding down his elementary canal...

It's, it's...

It's shimmying through his stomach.

And it should be hitting his pancreas...

...now!

I guess... I guess we... We waited a little too long.

Sorry, buddy.

(HORSE GRUNTING)

Cousin Larry's Fortune! You're cured! You're cured!

Cousin, we did it!

We did it! We saved him!

Balki, you did it.

I can't share the credit.

Why not, cousin? You shared the medicine.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)

I think it's very nice that the new owners

are going to race Larry's Fortune again.

Well, it's nice, but it's, uh, not very smart.

Fortune's new owners, uh, gave me $2,000 for a horse

that's the longest shot in the race. Look at that.

Fortune's going off at ninety-nine to one.

when you're calm.

Hey, I'm just here to spend a nice afternoon at the races.

ANNOUNCER: Horses and riders board the fifth race at the gates.

I can't wait to see Cousin Larry's Fortune run again.

We just saw him in the paddock. He looked really frisky.

Well, that's one of the side effects of the cure.

Side effects? Beg pardon?

"Side effects of the cure"?

Oh, yeah, the cure sure makes them frisky.

Puts a beautiful shine on their coats,

makes them run like the wind...

Sometimes it gives them the hiccups.

What was that?

Don't worry, cousin, you just

make them breathe into a paper bag, and the hiccups go away.

(STAMMERS) No, I mean, what was that run-like-the-wind thing?

Well, when, when we give the cure to the sheep,

they run so fast

the poor sheepdogs can't keep up with them.

(STAMMERS) Well, why didn't you say something?

Quite frankly, cousin,

Not to speak of.

Wait a minute.

ANNOUNCER: And they're off.

No! No! How can they be off

when I've got a 99-to-one sure thing?

When I can't get a bet down!

Why does this always happen to me?

You did? You did? God bless you!

Come on, Fortune! Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Balki! Balki! Thank you! Thank you.

Come on!

Wow!

Come on, Fortune!

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)

(ALL CHEERING)

Balki! Balki, I don't know how to thank you.

You have made us rich! Oh!

How much did you bet? $100? $200?

Well, uh, no. $300?

You bet $300?

That means we won $30,000. Oh!

Did you bet $300? Uh...

That's okay. That's okay. What'd you bet, $100?

That means we won $10,000. Ow!

Still enough for a darn nice trip!

Well, I think the important thing is that Fortune won.

Well, it's one of the important things, Mary Anne.

Balki, how much did you bet?

Two bucks, two bucks, all on the nose, right on the nose.

Two dollars? Yeah.

Two dollars?

Larry, you won $200.

Yeah... (MUMBLES)

That's... That's just enough

to repair the hoof damage to the bathtub.

He only bet $2.

(SOBBING)

(WHINING)