Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart

And a long lost friend

Standing tall on the wings of my dream

Rise and fall on the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder the wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

Cousin. Cousin.

Try.

Everybody loved it.

Egg rolls? Yeah.

Well, they look safe enough.

(CHUCKLES)

Balki, these are the best egg rolls I've ever had!

Oh, go on with you-- No, I mean it!

Well, as my cooking teacher, Mr. De Rigeur said

"Balki, cuisine is an art.

That's why we call it cuisine-art."

What gives it that sort of bittersweet taste?

Well, uh...

Cousin, you know, a chef

is never supposed to reveal his secrets.

But I added a Myposian delicacy.

I didn't think you had it in this country

and then I found it down by the lake

in a grocery store called Ned's Bait Shop.

"Ned's Bait Shop?"

Yeah. Ned had no produce at all, but his meat case was stunning.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, hi, Jennifer. Hi, Larry.

BALKI: Oh, Jennifer! Jennifer! Can I...

Can I offer you some, some egg rolls a la Mypoise

Oh, thank you, Bal... No, no, no. No, no, no.

...ki, but I just ate.

Oh, okay. Maybe later.

They, they really should curdle for about an hour.

Get back in there.

Stay.

(CHUCKLES)

Larry, there's something I need to ask you.

Well, sure. What is it?

who wants to have dinner with me Friday night.

But I'd be happy to say no if you want me to.

No, don't be silly. Have dinner with your friend.

What's her name? Bill Madden.

That wouldn't be a guy, would it?

Absolutely not!

Uh, so you have, uh, dinner with a guy

who sat next to you in zoology lab. Big deal.

Actually, I dated Bill for four years.

No! No, no, no. No.

He's an old friend.

Have dinner with him. I insist.

You wouldn't be upset?

Upset? Me? No, no, no. No.

Have a good time.

Say hello to Bill for me.

Well, okay.

Bye-bye.

(CRYING) I wanna die...

I wanna die! Cousin...

(SOBBING)

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?

Jennifer is going out with her old boyfriend.

Oh, is that all? No, that's a horrible thing!

I don't want Jennifer going out with another guy!

But, cousin, cousin, I don't get it.

I just heard you tell her it was all right.

If you didn't want her to go, why you don't just say no?

Balki, the woman I love tells me she wants to go out

with another man and you expect me to say no?

What? Do you think I'm stupid?

Is this a trick question?

No. No, it is very simple.

Jennifer is a woman of the nineties.

Nineties?

I would have guessed late twenties, tops.

Not a woman in her nineties.

A woman of the nineties.

And if you read any of those women's magazines

you know that what she wants is a man of the nineties.

Well, cousin, in 60 years

you'll be a man in your nineties

and all your problems will be solved.

No, no, not a man in his nineties.

A man of the nineties.

And a man of the nineties isn't possessive or jealous.

And if I had told Jennifer I didn't want her to go

on this date, she would have thought

I was possessive and jealous.

And then, she would have dumped me

But, but...she is going out with another man

and you are miserable.

I know that.

But that's how you keep a woman in the nineties.

Haven't you understood a word I've said?

Let me explain it again. Let me explain it. It's simple!

It's really very, very simple.

This little piggy went to market.

This little piggy stayed home.

This little...

(SIGHS)

Larry Appleton is a jerk!

It didn't go well?

I just asked him if he would mind

if I had dinner with another man.

Do you know what he had the nerve to say to me?

"I insist. Have a good time.

Say hello to Bill for me."

I've been dating Larry for over three years

and I still don't know where our relationship is going.

Well, I think you should just ask him.

I know what I'll do.

He'll have to say no to that, and then I'll know really feels.

Thanks a lot, Mary Anne. You always give me such good advice.

Glad I could help.

I'm ensuring that she'll be mine forever.

Now do you understand?

some reference material on the subject?

Balki, let me put it another way, okay?

Please, any other way.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

Oh, hi! Uh, come on in.

Larry, there's something else we need to talk about.

Balki, we need to be alone. Cousin, you're right.

Jennifer, could you excuse us, please?

No. Balki, Jennifer and I need to be alone.

Well, then I should be the one to leave.

Yes.

I don't know why you make everything so complicated.

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Larry, we've been seeing each other for three years.

Yes. Yes, we have.

Cousin, we have to talk.

Balki, Jennifer and I

are in the middle of a conversation.

I'll meet you at the lamp.

(GRUNTS)

I'm sorry.

(SIGHS)

What is it?

Cousin, I was just putting my Silly Putty back in my egg

when I had a realization.

Now, I know that some things are very personal

and there are times when a person shouldn't interfere.

In fact, in Mypos we have a saying...

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Just don't be so dopey.

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Exactly.

Literally translated, it means

"When a man is rinsing out his underwear...

...don't drop by."

LARRY: Is there a point to this?

Cousin, you should tell Jennifer how you really feel.

Balki, Jennifer is a woman of the nineties.

I am a man of the nineties.

Are you a man of the nineties?

Ah! Hah! Okay?

Are you a man of the nineties?

Ah! Ah! Ah! Are you? Are you?

Are you? Are you a man of the nineties?

No. No, I'm not.

Then I suggest you go to your room

and we'll talk about this when you are.

That seems fair.

Now...where were we?

We've been seeing each other for three years.

Yes.

about us dating other people?

Other people?

Well, uh...I guess

that would be...all right, I guess.

It would?

Uh, maybe I'm not making myself clear.

You see, I don't just mean one date with one person.

It could be several dates with one person

or one date with several people

or several dates with several people.

There are several possibilities. What do you think?

Well, um...

If you think that's, uh, a good idea...

...so do I.

So, you're saying that it wouldn't bother you

if we both dated other people?

Bother? Oh, no, no.

It wouldn't bother me, if it wouldn't bother you.

Well, okay, how about this?

I don't think we should see each other at all.

Goodbye, Larry.

I, uh, I know I'm just a simple Mypiot boy

and...I may never be a man in my Nikes but...

...from where I'm standing...

...you're lookin' at tail lights, dude!

(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

Well, there they go again.

It's been fourteen days

You'd think by now she'd be sick of gettin'

in and out of that Porsche.

Cousin, uh... What do you say

we go out and get a couple of sky high sundaes?

No, I wanna be here when they get back.

Cousin, enough. Is too much.

You've got to pull yourself together.

Now, come on, move it along, buddy.

Move it along.

Just keep movin'.

I have no reason to leave.

Life outside this apartment is meaningless.

Life inside the apartment is meaningless.

But my pajamas are here.

Okay, buddy, park it on the couch. On the couch.

On the couch. Move it, please.

Listen to me.

My mama done told me...

...there are two times in life when you've got to tell people

what your true feelings are.

One is when someone is sticking a sharp thing in your ear.

Then you say...

"Please, take that sharp thing out of my ear."

The other is when you love someone.

And then you say, "I love you!"

It's important not to get the two mixed up.

But Balki, if I tell Jennifer I love her

she'll just reject me again.

And I couldn't stand that much pain.

Oh, cousin.

I-I-I've gotta stop thinking about her or I'm gonna go crazy.

I've gotta try to forget her.

So if you're my friend

...nameless blonde woman.

Now who are we talking about? Jennifer.

Jennifer? No!

Just promise me, you won't mention her name again!

Promise you'll never scare me like that again!

Okay. Okay.

I promise. I promise.

Thank you.

I'll be in my room...

...destroying anything that reminds me

of that nameless blonde woman.

(SIGHS)

I'll start by destroying all her love letters.

Oh, God!

She never wrote me any love letters!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi, Mary Anne.

Uh, Bill told me he's taking Jennifer to Chez Fino tonight.

Oh, I love that restaurant!

They have those little snails in puff pastry

and if you poke them out, they go walking, walking...

Balki.

Bill is going to ask Jennifer to marry him.

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Oh! Pardon my Myposian.

I can't let this happen. I...

I have to get cousin Larry to that restaurant!

And then what will you do?

(SIGHS)

I don't know.

Maybe take in a movie?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(PIANO MUSIC)

Bartokomous, party pf two.

Yes, sir.

Well, this is nice.

I'm glad you talked me into this.

You're, you're a new man.

And maybe tomorrow, you can tie your own shoes.

(LAUGHS) Oh!

I have a table waiting for you right over here.

Oh, well, why go that way when we can take the scenic routes?

Cousin, look at this view! Oh.

Well, this is magnificent. Would you look at that view?

Fabulous, isn't it?

Lovely! And is...

Is that a real oil painting?

Yeah, that's, that's real oil.

There's a raw umber in the foreground there.

It's fantastic. And look at this, cousin! The desserts!

Look, they have your favorite, "Lemon meringue pie!"

Mmm. Too much sugar for me. Ha, ha, ha.

Gentlemen, your table.

Oh, cousin... Yeah.

Cousin, uh, would you

I-I can't be looking at those desserts, you know. I...

(SIGHS)

Well, here...

(CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS) This is nice...

of that nameless blonde woman.

Except possibly for Jennifer sitting over there

with her boyfriend.

(CLATTERING)

You're, uh... Ha, ha.

I'm not gonna get annoyed. Oh, that's good.

I'm gonna kill you. Oh, that's bad.

I'm leaving. No, cousin, you can't do that.

Well, you can't stop me!

(GROANS)

Cousin, you have to tell that nameless

blonde woman how you feel about her.

Balki, let me go. No!

Oh, look, is that Wayne Newton?

Wayne!

(THUDDING)

(PIANO MUSIC)

Who had the Cousin Larry?

Do you know these people? I'm afraid so.

Cousin Larry has something he wants to tell you.

Uh, we're in the middle of a very private moment.

Eat your broccoli!

Cousin, go ahead.

Well...

Uh...uh...uh...

Jennifer, what he wants to tell you is...

Jennifer, let me just say... Balki. Balki.

Balki, Balki... Let me just say it!

(BABBLING)

Uh, yes.

Well...

Uh...uh...uh...

Jennifer...

Please take that sharp thing out of my ear.

Uh...

And I wanted to tell you the first time I saw you

in the health club.

And then we started dating

and I wanted to tell you again.

And, and then a couple of weeks ago, when you came down

I really wanted to tell you.

But I didn't.

So, I'm telling you now.

(EXHALES)

What are you telling me?

You do? Yes, I love you.

And I-I don't want you goin' out with other guys.

Boy, he's fast.

Jennifer, if you say yes to me

you'll never want for anything.

and...beautiful children.

Here's the ring, sweetheart.

It's yours, if you'll say yes.

Oh, my Lord! Oh, my Lord!

Okay, cousin, you're up.

Take your best shot.

you've got two strikes against you.

Go, baby, go, baby, go, baby, go!

(PIANO MUSIC)

Jennifer, I can't promise you a magnificent home.

Or all the money you'll ever need.

And there's a good chance

our children will be short.

But I want you to know...

...nobody's gonna love you as much as I do.

So I think it would be...

...just...really...good...

...if you married me.

Yes, Larry. I'll marry you.

You will?

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Larry, I love you.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Look, I know it was a horrible night for him.

But Bill asked Jennifer out to dinner

he should have paid the check!

Cousin, let it go. You got the girl!

You're right.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Balki...

...this is the most wonderful night of my life.

Jennifer loves me as much as I love her

and I never would have found that out if it weren't for you.

Oh. Thank you.

Cousin, you're welcome.

I could not be happier for you.

You are going to be married to Jennifer

for the rest of your life.

Yeah, it's gonna be wonderful.

Well, it certainly is, because cousin, just think of it.

Every hour of every day

for the rest of your life...

...you will have the joy of knowing

you have someone to take care of.

Every, every, every minute

of every hour of every day

for the rest of your life

you'll have someone who depends on you.

Someone who needs you.

Someone who's very happiness rests in your hands.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)