Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's going to stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street

A light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's going to stop me now

That's one small sip for Balki

one giant slam dunk for the environment.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Thank you for reaching out and touching me.

Who is this?

Oh, Mrs. Holland! Mrs. Holland, how are you?

No, you're not interrupting anything.

I was just crushing my can. Crushing my can.

Well, certainly I can babysit Tess tonight.

Yeah. Balki!

No, it's... Just bring her over any time.

Balki! Uh, yeah.

We'll have a lot of fun.

Okay, okay, Mrs. Holland

and thank you for using AT&T.

Balki.

Cousin, you picked up garbage!

I'm so happy you decided to give a hoot and not pollute.

No, no, Balki, Balki.

What looks like garbage to you

are notes on the most important story

to hit Chicago in years.

While I was down at City Hall this morning

I saw Big Jim Morris.

You saw Big Jim Morris?

Who's Big Jim Morris?

Big Jim Morris.

He's a crooked contractor

who's been banned from doing business with the city.

So you tell me, Balki,

what was Big Jim doing talking to two city aldermen?

I wouldn't know, cousin.

Mama always told me

when you go to the park, don't talk to older men.

Not older men. Aldermen. Aldermen.

He was talking to Aldermen.

Well, I knew something was afoot so I spent the rest of the day

digging up enough evidence to prove that Big Jim

is still involved with dirty dealings.

(GASPS) I loved that movie!

Patrick Swayze was brilliant!

No. No.

Not Dirty Dancing.

Dirty dealings.

Dirty dealings.

Phony contracts, payoffs, bribes.

Balki, this is my big break.

I've got the jump on every reporter in this city.

If I can get this story in tomorrow's edition,

you'll be rooming with a journalistic superstar!

Sam Donaldson is moving in?

No!

No!

Not him!

Me!

Me! I'll be a superstar!

Tough break for Sam.

Listen to me. Look, Balki, listen to me!

Listen to me!

Tonight, I don't want any phone calls.

Got it.

I don't want any interruptions.

Got it.

Got it! Got it! Got it!

Argh!

Cousin, I got it.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) That must be Tess.

We're babysitting tonight.

Hello, Balki.

Could you excuse us for just a moment?

Who are these people?

Cousin, that's Mrs. Holland

and her daughter, Tess.

If you'd do the laundry once in a while, you'd meet people.

Balki, why are we babysitting

on the one night when I need absolute quiet?

Because I made a promise, cousin,

and I need to keep my promises.

You won't even know Tess is here.

Hey, Balki, let's play boochi tag!

Boochi, boochi, boochi!

(GASPS)

I'm safe. I got the boochi.

Oh, you're good!

Uh, Balki, uh, aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?

Oh, I'm sorry, Boochi break.

Um, Mrs. Holland, I want you to meet my cousin

Cousin Larry Appleton.

who is dancing in the park with older men.

Nice to know you, Larry.

I really appreciate you taking care of Tess.

Well, I better scoot.

Now, Tess, you be a good girl.

I will, Mom. Okay.

Buh-bye. Oh, bye-bye.

Let's party!

Tess, dear.

Tonight is quiet night.

And Balki is gonna show you

a lot of quiet things to do, aren't you, Balki?

Yes, cousin. Good.

Boochi, boochi, boochi.

Boochi, boochi, boochi.

(TESS GIGGLING)

TESS: Balki.

(GRUNTS)

You missed me! I'll get you next time.

(GRUNTING)

Balki, I thought you were gonna play outside

so that I could get some work done.

It's cold and dark and some big kid wants my shoes.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

She is wicked nasty and mean

As a girl can be

Balki, could you possibly do something about this?

Cousin, she don't know where the volume control button is.

Yes, I do. Here.

She made me wait I just wanna cry...

How's that, cousin? Lower.

(IN LOW VOICE) How's that, cousin?

Turn it down.

Better? Turn it down.

Better? Turn it down.

Perfect! Enjoy!

Tess, maybe you'd like to wear the earphones.

No. But why not?

Earphones mess up my hair. Oh.

Cousin, earphones mess up her hair.

Here, Tess.

Your hair looks even nicer like this.

Cousin, don't you think you're being just a little hard on her?

The girl just wants to have fun.

Well, Balki, the next time she wants to have fun

just tell her no.

I cannot believe what you just said.

What did I say? I just told you to tell her no.

You said it again. What kind of monster are you?

Balki, occasionally a child will do something wrong

and you have to say that word.

Cousin, on Mypos we never say no.

We believe that children should be allowed to grow

like wild flowers on the side of the mountain,

their little faces turned up toward the sun.

Hey, girls. Do you believe in love?

Well, I got something to say about it.

Don't go for second best baby

Put your love to the test

You know you know got to...

Balki! Ah!

Is that too loud for you, cousin?

Well, cousin, if you get lonely

Thank you.

Yeah I wanna dance with somebody

Say you wanna dance

Say you wanna dance

Oh, my Lord!

Were we robbed?

(MUFFLED) Don't be ridiculous.

Well, did you, uh... Did you get a good look at who did this?

Tess did it.

Cousin, we were playing Cowboys and Mypiots.

And you lost? No, I won.

has turned her into a monster?

Cousin, she's not a monster.

Listen, could you untie me?

I, uh, I had a big glass of iced tea

about an hour ago.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Good story, Appleton. I'm putting it on page one.

Thank you, Mr. Wainwright. But it's too long.

Take out a hundred words.

You'll get it to me in ten minutes.

Ten minutes, of course, sir.

Yeah, and you can count on me.

And when I first joined the-- Nine and half minutes.

All right, okay.

Nine minutes, fifteen seconds.

Nine minutes, ten seconds.

Nine, eight...

Seven, six...

Oh, my God! I'm freezing up.

Okay! Where is the Mypiot?

He'll be late.

I need him to find out what is going on around here.

Somebody's been pushing all the elevator buttons

leaving phones off the hook

and there's a Barbie doll stuck in the mail chute.

Well, I gotta get to work.

A Barbie doll stuck in the mail chute?

She's here.

Okay! We're almost done with our mail delivery.

Now, uh, Mr. Gorpley's mail.

That's right. That's right.

Very good.

You almost got it in the box this time.

Okay, and last, but not yeast, Cousin Larry's mail.

Air mail.

Very funny, dear.

Uh, would you excuse us for just a moment?

Why did you...

(GIGGLING)

Come on, here we go. Here we go.

Go on, go on and play.

Why did you bring her here?

Well, she wanted to come.

Balki, people do not bring children to the workplace.

Oh, is that so, Mr. Spock?

Well, for your information, on Mypos

we always bring children to the workplace.

Well, Balki, on Mypos, the workplace is a field.

And the worst damage a child could do is to trample a gourd.

Now, this is a major metropolitan newspaper

and I have to finish a story in exactly...

In exactly...

Where's my watch? Where is my watch? My watch is gone!

Where's my watch? I have your watch.

Now, you see it...

...now you don't.

Cousin, cousin, I'm, I'm sorry I took so long.

I, I found your watch in the sports department.

And, and in the, the advertising department

and...in the, the classified department

and this doesn't go with the watch but isn't it pretty?

Are you going to have a nervous breakdance?

(CLINKING)

Balki,

nothing can spoil this day.

In less than an hour, the Chicago Chronicle

hits the streets with my story on the front page.

Cousin, that's wonderful!

Wait 'til I tell Tess. She'll be pleased as lunch.

Where is the little darling?

Don't suppose it's too much to hope the police have her?

Cousin, she's with Miss Lydia, who unlike you,

has the patience to nurture a child.

Wait 'til I get my hands on you!

You little devil child!

Don't let her get me! Uh, uh, Lydia! Lydia!

Wh-what is going on?

That little monster left me a note!

Okay, okay, okay, okay, who covered my telephone

in peanut butter and jelly?

I just got a melted chocolate bar

in the inter-office mail.

I want an explanation, Gorpley!

We have got to get her out of here.

Look how big I am. I can reach this.

That turns on the sprinklers!

ALL: No!

It's been quite a day, hasn't it?

Let me run the highlight film for you, Balki.

(SIGHS)

For the first time in 75 years,

the Chicago Chronicle didn't publish.

But what do I care?

At some time, in the next 75 years,

maybe I'll get another chance

to have a story on the front page.

And who do we have to thank?

Tess, the Terrible

and her Mypiot babysitter!

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry, cousin, I wasn't paying attention.

I was sitting here,

sitting here thinking

maybe I was too lenient with Tess.

No.

Thanks, cousin, but you can't change my mind.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(SIGHS)

My mother said I should give these to you.

And thank you for taking care of me.

Oh, these are my favorite.

Tollbooth cookies.

Are you mad at me because I made it rain on your newspaper?

Oh, I'm not mad at you.

Uh, I'm not mad at you,

but, but you-you-you shouldn't have

turned on the sprinklers.

That was wrong,

but I was also wrong because I shouldn't have let you do

whatever you wanted to do.

It got us all into a lot of trouble.

Does, does this mean we can't be friends anymore?

We can still be friends

but I'm going to have to say a word to you

that I've never said to a child before.

I'm-I'm going to have to-to say...

...no.

I can live with that.

Oh, Tess, Tess, I can't expect you to understand

how anybody ever going to say such an ugly world

but sometimes in life, you just have to be--

Balki. Balki!

Yeah?

I get it.

You don't mind. No.

I'm going to have to ask you to do something

you might not want to do.

Like what?

for everything you did today.

I'm really sorry that I got you all wet.

And I'm sorry I got you in trouble with your boss.

And I'm sorry I broke your watch.

Well...

...that's okay.

It was an old watch.

Bu you're gonna have to be

a little more careful from now on.

Yeah, yeah, I will. Okay.

Well, bye, Larry. Bye-bye.

Bye, Balki.

Well...I guess

she's not so bad after all.

You know...

...I'll never forget the look on Wainwright's face

when that water hit him.

Was it me,

or did you see steam rising from his head?

Are you asking

did I see steam rising from his head,

or did I see you rising from his head?

I'm asking was it me,

or did you see steam rising from his head?

Okay, okay, are you asking

was it me who saw steam rising from his head

or was it you who saw steam rising from his head?

I'm asking was it me

or did you see steam rising from his head?

Yes. Now I have one for you.

Was it me,

or was that Miss Lydia's beauty mark

sliding down her cheek?

It was you.

It was definitely you sliding down her cheek.

TESS: Balki.

Hey, Balki.

Hi, Tess.

I wanna talk to Uncle Cousin Larry.

Oh.

Uh, Cousin Larry, come-come and talk to Tess.

I think she wants to be friends.

No.

Cousin Larry, you come over to the window.

She came all the way down here...

She came all the way down here to make friends

and say she was sorry, the least you can do

is stick your head out the window and say hello.

Okay, okay. Hmm.

I...guess I haven't been very nice to her.

Hi, Tess.

(TESS GIGGLING)

Is it me...

...or is that steam rising out of your head?

(MUSIC CONTINUES)