Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long-lost friend

Gives every dark street

A light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder the wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

Ah

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

Alright, nobody peek. Nobody peek, come on.

Come on, come on, come on, keep going, keep going.

Go on, go on. Alright, turn right.

Whoa!

Okay. I didn't, I didn't peek.

I know.

Okay, alright.

Now, ready?

You said it was, uh, it was hours of fun

and something we can all enjoy.

I know! A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Dreamhouse?

No. Now. Ready? Set? Open.

What do you think?

I see it...

I love it...

What is it?

It's one of those chairs that plays music, right?

Plays music? Plays music?

This happens to be a state of the art

stereo chair.

Wow!

A Sony Sit-man!

Alright, alright, listen to this.

You are going to love it.

I don't hear anything.

I think you have to be in the chair.

Kenny Rogers on CD. Fantastic.

Know when to hold 'em

Know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away

Know when to run

You never count your money

When you're sittin' at the table

There'll be time enough for countin'

When the dealin's done

You got to know when to hold 'em

Know when to fold...

Balki, this was meant for one person.

Only if that one person don't want to share.

You know, Larry, I'd be nervous with something

this expensive in my apartment.

Maybe you should get a burglar alarm.

A burglar alarm? I don't think so.

Oh, we have that on Mypos.

You told me there are no burglars on Mypos.

Well, there aren't, but you never know

It's a lovely island but, boy, those Kleptos...

Maniacs.

Larry, you have a lot of valuable things

worth protecting, maybe you should get an alarm.

I don't need to spend a lot of money

on an alarm system to protect my home.

Well, you don't have to spend a lot of money.

Mary Anne and I got a simple, inexpensive alarm.

Someone breaks in, the bell goes off, the police show up.

Jennifer's always reminding me to set it.

Did you set it?

No, you didn't remind me.

We better go.

Do I have to remind you to do everything?

No, you didn't remind me to turn off the iron.

Did you hear that?

An alarm system. Women!

They're such fragile creatures.

All the protection men like us need

is a sturdy oak door and a good deadbolt.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, Balki, we gotta go pick up the girls.

We have, uh, dinner reservations at Antoine's Cajun Kitchen?

Well, um, ahem, cousin, you, you know

you always eat too much of Antoine's Four-Alarm Shrimp.

So don't you think before we go you ought to coat your stomach?

Well, good idea, Balki. Uh, could you get the Maalox for me?

Why don't you get it yourself?

Alright.

(BALKI LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

Get, get it off!

Get it off!

Ow!

Pretty good, huh?

I suppose you have an explanation for this?

Well, of course, I do. Don't be ridiculous.

The ice prevents swelling.

No, I mean...

An explanation for this.

Oh, well...

(CLEARS THROAT)

I took the liberty of installing

several Myposian crimestoppers.

They're all absolutely foolproof.

I know because

Well, I'm going to rest easy

knowing that my antacid is safe.

Now, can we go to Antoine's?

Uh, not just yet, cousin.

Please.

(METAL CLANKING)

Pretend it's late at night.

We're all snug in our beds.

The moonlight shining through the window.

Suddenly the window opens...

And in he comes... Balki.

Balki.

It's the beginning of Peter Pan.

Yeah, but, cousin, this is where the story

takes an unexpected turn.

It's a burglar.

He comes into the apartment...

He looks around and he says...

"Hey, this is a nice lookin' apartment.

Wow, what do we have here?"

But before he can lay one fingerprint on our valuables

he steps right into the middle

of this innocent looking rug

and we've had him right where we want him.

Upside down in the Kleptos-Katcher.

Well, I pity the golf bag that breaks into this apartment.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Oh, my Lord.

Somebody's been in here.

Oh, my God.

and we left the place a mess.

I am so embarrassed.

No. Balki.

I mean, we've been robbed.

They took my stereo chair!

The police! We got to call the police!

Uh, no. Cousin.

Whoa!

At least we know one thing for sure.

The burglar didn't come in through the window.

Balki! Balki!

Come here!

How much longer is this gonna take?

You don't put in a top of the line

security system in 15 minutes.

I mean, Rome might've been built in a day

but it took 'em a month to secure it.

(CHUCKLING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

Boy, when I signed up for home banking

I had no idea they'd put a vault in the living room.

That is part of our new security system.

Cousin, you changed your mind.

Okay. Aah!

Aah!

Balki, this is Joe McNulty.

Joe, this is Balki Bartokomous.

Ah.

Joe is from Safe at Home Security Systems.

You're not safe at home until you call Safe at Home.

And you are not fully clean, until you are Zestfully clean.

Well, you are now protected by

the world's only Doomsday System.

Designed and developed by yours truly.

I've adjusted the templates in the window

and the overall timing mechanism has been programmed

to prevent any microprocessor overload.

Cousin, I think we've gone way beyond

a sturdy oak door and a deadbolt.

Balki...

I went out and spent good money

on another stereo chair

and I'm gonna make sure no one steals this one.

Yeah, but...

Kleptos out there.

These are high-tech criminals.

They got beepers, cellular phones, laptops.

What have we got? A golf bag on a rope.

We need security, we need peace of mind

we need the Doomsday System.

Yeah, but I... Well, I'm on my way.

All you have to do is punch in a secret code

and you can turn the system on and off.

Now the doomsday is a one-of-a-kind system.

If you have any questions

consult these easy to follow instructions.

Goodbye. Thank you.

(DOOR CREAKING)

I'll read this later.

Ah!

Now, what would be a good secret code?

Okay. Okay, secret code.

Okay, I know, I'll say...

The clumsy giant plays

hopscotch in the moonlight.

And you'll say... That's not what I meant.

No, cousin, that's too simple.

You will say...

In the dead of night the humpback whale...

Balki, Balki, Balki.

The secret code is a four-digit number.

but they might be easier for Jennifer

and Mary Anne to remember.

No.

No one can know the secret code.

Not Jennifer, not Mary Anne, not Lydia...

In fact, not you.

Why not, cousin?

You're too honest, too good, too trusting.

I could change.

shoulder this responsibility alone.

Now, what would be

a good secret code?

Got it.

Ah.

No one would guess this in a million years.

The year you were born? Lucky guess.

It's obvious, we need something

just a little bit more complicated.

Ah.

Okay, I'll use the middle four digits

of my driver's license number

divide that by my inseam.

Subtract my shoe size...

Five thousand two hundred ninety one.

Okay. Got it.

Ah!

There. Now, only I know the secret code.

The code is mine. It is my code.

Fine, it is your code.

It's your alarm. It's your country. Who am I?

I'm just a simple Mypiot boy who has always dreamed

of knowing the code

Goodnight, cousin.

Is it the year your mother was born?

No.

Goodnight.

Damn!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Balki! Balki!

Wake up!

Cousin?

Something's gone wrong.

What?

What are you doing?

Laser beams!

Ah!

Somebody must have broken in to the house.

Balki, it was me.

Oh.

Why did you break in? You, you live here.

No, I didn't break in.

I accidentally triggered the alarm.

Now, listen, we have got to get over to the keypad

without breaking the beams or the siren will go off.

Okay. No!

What?

Stay down.

Follow me. Okay.

Aah!

Aah!

Thank God. We made it.

Cousin, now we're so happy, we do the Dance...

No! Of joy!

Oh!

(ALARM RINGING)

Alright. Alright. Now, now don't panic.

Now, all I have to do, uh, uh, to deactivate the system

is punch in the security code.

Uh, the security code.

The year I was born.

Uh, no, the y... The year you were born.

The year my mother was born.

Alright, now... Now, listen.

There must be some other way

to shut off the system.

Oh!

There.

System deactivated.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Attention, intruders.

Your presence has activated the Doomsday System.

Cousin, this might be a good time

to read that instruction manual.

Relax. How bad could it be?

AUTOMATED VOICE: Intruder, you have chosen to violate

the home of a law-abiding citizen for the last time.

You have exactly 60 seconds

to the release of poison gas.

Poison gas! Poison gas!

(SCREAMING)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Attention, intruder.

Fifty seconds to the release of poison gas.

Alright, Balki.

Oh, my God! What's the code?

Cousin... I got it!

I remember the code!

It's the combination of my gym locker.

Cousin, I haven't actually read the instruction manual

but I don't think the keypad works

once you rip it out of the wall.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Intruder, 30 seconds to the release of poison gas.

(SOBBING)

We're gonna die. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Cousin, we can get out the window.

Oh!

(GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

Alright, stand back.

I forgot. It's reinforced security glass.

Well, who did you think was gonna break in?

The Terminator?

Well, there must be something

big enough to break it with?

No!

No!

Yes!

six, five,

four, three...

Two. Hold your breath!

AUTOMATED VOICE: One, zero.

Attention, owners.

The intruders have been frightened away.

Please reset the system.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

(SNIFFING)

Wait a minute. There's no poison gas.

Balki!

Breathe!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Well...

I really made a mess of things, didn't I?

I could have got a simple basic alarm system

but no, I had to go with the laser beams

and the security glass.

I dove off the deep end.

Bit off more than I could chew.

Yes, cousin, once again you did it

your way.

I'm just sorry about the chair.

Oh, don't worry about the chair.

I worked a small miracle putting it back together.

I even surprised myself.

(THEME MUSIC)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)