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00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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00:00:23,302 --> 00:00:26,403
♪ ♪
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00:00:26,505 --> 00:00:29,807
NADJA: I have given a strange
girl the most beautiful gift...
4
00:00:29,909 --> 00:00:31,642
The gift of becoming a vampiric
5
00:00:31,744 --> 00:00:34,578
bloodsucking creature
of the shadows.
6
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:35,913
Did you see that?
7
00:00:36,015 --> 00:00:37,181
NADJA: She has not yet blossomed
8
00:00:37,283 --> 00:00:40,034
into her full vampiric state,
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00:00:40,136 --> 00:00:41,802
but I think she is on her way.
10
00:00:41,904 --> 00:00:45,172
(QUIETLY): Oh, what the hell
is happening to me?
11
00:00:45,274 --> 00:00:46,673
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
12
00:00:46,776 --> 00:00:48,075
JENNA: Sorry if I don't
13
00:00:48,177 --> 00:00:50,677
seem up to my normal self.
I just...
14
00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:52,980
I've just been
going through changes.
15
00:00:53,082 --> 00:00:54,448
(HISSING)
16
00:00:55,468 --> 00:00:57,134
Having crazy dreams.
17
00:00:57,236 --> 00:00:58,569
Like, super weird.
18
00:01:00,906 --> 00:01:03,507
My friends have noticed.
19
00:01:04,343 --> 00:01:06,577
(GRUNTS)
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00:01:06,679 --> 00:01:08,445
Mood swings.
Unusual cravings.
21
00:01:08,547 --> 00:01:11,281
- (CREATURE SQUEALS)
- (HISSES)
22
00:01:11,383 --> 00:01:13,534
I'm usually a flexatarian.
23
00:01:13,636 --> 00:01:15,736
Who else?
Michelangelo Buonarroti.
24
00:01:15,838 --> 00:01:17,237
- (HISSING)
- Michelangelo...
25
00:01:17,339 --> 00:01:20,874
JENNA: I've developed
an eye sensitivity,
26
00:01:20,976 --> 00:01:23,544
and skin sensitivity.
27
00:01:23,646 --> 00:01:25,579
- And sometimes...
- (WHIMPERING)
28
00:01:25,681 --> 00:01:29,633
Sometimes I have this urge
to tear my roommate to shreds.
29
00:01:29,735 --> 00:01:31,769
("YOU'RE DEAD"
BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING)
30
00:01:31,871 --> 00:01:34,304
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
31
00:01:34,406 --> 00:01:36,774
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
32
00:01:36,876 --> 00:01:39,476
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
33
00:01:39,578 --> 00:01:41,879
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
34
00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:46,934
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
35
00:01:47,036 --> 00:01:49,636
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
36
00:01:49,738 --> 00:01:52,039
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
37
00:01:52,141 --> 00:01:54,141
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
38
00:01:54,243 --> 00:01:57,744
♪ ♪
39
00:02:04,303 --> 00:02:08,539
NANDOR: Thank you all for
coming to this house meeting.
40
00:02:08,641 --> 00:02:12,643
I must remind everyone that
if you are gonna entice a victim
41
00:02:12,745 --> 00:02:15,712
into the house
and then you let them live,
42
00:02:15,815 --> 00:02:16,847
show them out.
43
00:02:16,949 --> 00:02:18,315
- Loud and clear.
- Fair enough.
44
00:02:18,417 --> 00:02:19,466
- It's common courtesy.
- NADJA: All right. Yes.
45
00:02:19,568 --> 00:02:20,968
- It is.
- It is. -Also,
46
00:02:21,070 --> 00:02:23,604
is it possible,
for when you leave the house,
47
00:02:23,706 --> 00:02:26,640
to blow out the candles?
48
00:02:26,742 --> 00:02:30,511
Observe. (BLOWS)
49
00:02:30,613 --> 00:02:32,212
Simple as that.
Major catastrophe
50
00:02:32,314 --> 00:02:33,847
- averted.
- LASZLO: What is that
51
00:02:33,949 --> 00:02:35,833
disgusting putrefied smell?
52
00:02:35,935 --> 00:02:38,135
Like a... snake in heat?
53
00:02:38,237 --> 00:02:39,603
That may be me.
54
00:02:39,705 --> 00:02:42,973
I'm wearing a new cologne called
"Mr. Hijinks."
55
00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,374
- NANDOR: Okay, great. I am...
- Aftershave?
56
00:02:44,476 --> 00:02:46,210
COLIN: It's a
cologne/aftershave mix
57
00:02:46,312 --> 00:02:48,879
- and I found it in the bathroom at work.
- NANDOR: Eh, great.
58
00:02:48,981 --> 00:02:51,114
Can we just not talk about
the cologne anymore, please?
59
00:02:51,217 --> 00:02:52,599
- Why would you use a cologne?
- NANDOR: Shush!
60
00:02:52,701 --> 00:02:53,600
To annoy you.
61
00:02:53,702 --> 00:02:56,103
- Touché.
- Please, I am speaking here!
62
00:02:56,205 --> 00:02:58,639
And when I was the leader
of my country,
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00:02:58,741 --> 00:03:01,708
I would kill anyone
who disrespected me
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00:03:01,810 --> 00:03:03,377
when I'm talking about candles.
65
00:03:03,479 --> 00:03:06,346
You were the leader
of a country?
66
00:03:06,448 --> 00:03:10,601
Yes. I was the leader
of Al Quolanudar.
67
00:03:10,703 --> 00:03:12,836
That sounds like
you just made it up.
68
00:03:12,938 --> 00:03:14,605
- COLIN: Sounds fake.
- No, I have not just made it up.
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00:03:14,707 --> 00:03:16,273
It's a real country.
70
00:03:16,375 --> 00:03:17,941
It's not a fake country,
it's a real country.
71
00:03:18,043 --> 00:03:19,543
Al Quolanudar.
72
00:03:19,645 --> 00:03:21,245
- Bless you.
- NANDOR: Guillermo,
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00:03:21,347 --> 00:03:24,214
go on your intelligent telephone
machine and look it up.
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00:03:24,316 --> 00:03:25,265
GUILLERMO: Spell that A...
75
00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:26,400
- A-L. New word.
- Uh-huh.
76
00:03:26,502 --> 00:03:28,035
- I've got it.
- Oh, great!
77
00:03:28,137 --> 00:03:29,736
Uh, how-how is it doing?
78
00:03:29,838 --> 00:03:32,372
Not so hot. It's dissolved.
79
00:03:32,474 --> 00:03:36,109
- What? When did this happen?
- 1401.
80
00:03:36,212 --> 00:03:38,412
♪ ♪
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NANDOR: To find out that your
country has not existed since 1401...
82
00:03:43,302 --> 00:03:46,069
is a pretty sudden shock.
83
00:03:46,188 --> 00:03:47,905
It was my home.
84
00:03:48,007 --> 00:03:50,707
Yes, I was driven out
for pillaging
85
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and killing and torturing
86
00:03:53,946 --> 00:03:55,445
and that's fair enough, really.
87
00:03:55,547 --> 00:03:58,215
But now what do I have?
88
00:03:58,317 --> 00:04:01,602
Nowhere is my home.
89
00:04:03,839 --> 00:04:06,840
Aah! (HISSING)
90
00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:09,610
NADJA: It is very disgusting for me
to see this little one like this.
91
00:04:09,712 --> 00:04:10,811
She is like a disabled,
92
00:04:10,913 --> 00:04:12,813
very sickly donkey,
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00:04:12,915 --> 00:04:15,799
that you want to smash in
the skull because it is just
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00:04:15,901 --> 00:04:17,601
too pitiful to look at.
95
00:04:17,703 --> 00:04:19,002
Eh, I suppose I was not
96
00:04:19,104 --> 00:04:20,437
much different when I first
became a vampire.
97
00:04:20,539 --> 00:04:21,972
No one had had
98
00:04:22,074 --> 00:04:25,008
"the talk" with me
about my unholy transition.
99
00:04:25,110 --> 00:04:27,744
I had had no one to guide me.
100
00:04:27,846 --> 00:04:31,515
(HISSING)
101
00:04:31,617 --> 00:04:33,333
(GROANS)
102
00:04:33,435 --> 00:04:35,802
This is a bag of soil
from my homeland
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00:04:35,904 --> 00:04:37,471
that I take with me
when I travel.
104
00:04:37,573 --> 00:04:41,108
'Tis all that is left
of Al Quolanudar.
105
00:04:41,210 --> 00:04:43,644
Al Quolanudar!
106
00:04:43,746 --> 00:04:46,346
Al Quolanudar... Shit.
107
00:04:46,448 --> 00:04:48,615
(WIND WHISTLING)
108
00:04:51,337 --> 00:04:53,136
(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)
109
00:04:53,238 --> 00:04:54,938
(GROWLING)
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00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,106
Oh, my God!
111
00:04:57,409 --> 00:04:58,508
Forget it.
112
00:04:58,610 --> 00:04:59,977
What?
113
00:05:00,079 --> 00:05:01,578
You are released.
114
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,480
I'm not hungry.
115
00:05:03,582 --> 00:05:05,299
It's just...
116
00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:08,669
I just found out that my country
doesn't exist anymore
117
00:05:08,771 --> 00:05:10,504
and I'm really depressed
about it.
118
00:05:10,606 --> 00:05:12,238
And I've lost my appetite.
119
00:05:12,308 --> 00:05:13,907
You don't want to hear
about all this.
120
00:05:14,009 --> 00:05:16,343
- Y-You were running away.
- W...
121
00:05:16,445 --> 00:05:18,245
Are you okay?
122
00:05:18,347 --> 00:05:20,647
It's kind of you to ask,
but really, you go.
123
00:05:20,749 --> 00:05:22,766
Flee. Flee!
124
00:05:24,636 --> 00:05:27,070
♪ ♪
125
00:05:27,172 --> 00:05:28,472
Master, are you all right?
126
00:05:28,590 --> 00:05:32,376
I have no country.
I have no home.
127
00:05:32,478 --> 00:05:35,545
What? No, this is your home.
128
00:05:35,647 --> 00:05:37,481
And this is your country.
129
00:05:37,583 --> 00:05:40,033
No, it's not and it's not.
130
00:05:40,135 --> 00:05:42,903
Well, maybe you'd feel better
if you were an American citizen?
131
00:05:43,939 --> 00:05:46,540
- Is that possible?
- Of course.
132
00:05:46,642 --> 00:05:48,675
Yes.
133
00:05:48,777 --> 00:05:52,045
I will make an alliance
with this unholy nation
134
00:05:52,147 --> 00:05:54,514
and make this place my home!
135
00:05:54,616 --> 00:05:55,665
There you go.
136
00:05:55,734 --> 00:05:56,800
I think that's a bus stop there.
137
00:05:56,902 --> 00:05:58,902
I'll see you back at home.
138
00:06:00,439 --> 00:06:02,439
(SQUEAKING)
139
00:06:04,309 --> 00:06:06,410
Yeah, it's become
pretty clear to me
140
00:06:06,512 --> 00:06:09,713
- that I'm turning into a vampire.
- I bit your neck.
141
00:06:09,815 --> 00:06:12,466
I made you drink my blood.
What did you think I was doing?
142
00:06:12,568 --> 00:06:16,370
I don't know. I-I just didn't
think vampires existed and...
143
00:06:16,472 --> 00:06:20,273
(SCOFFS) You are giving me
sarcasm? (LAUGHS)
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00:06:20,376 --> 00:06:22,809
I-I enjoy. (LAUGHS)
145
00:06:22,911 --> 00:06:25,312
Am I gonna feel like crap
for all eternity?
146
00:06:25,414 --> 00:06:29,232
Darling, you feel like crap
because you are eating crap.
147
00:06:29,334 --> 00:06:31,802
You are living
like a little chimney boy.
148
00:06:31,904 --> 00:06:35,072
If you want to be a powerful,
strong vampire,
149
00:06:35,174 --> 00:06:37,541
you just have to complete
your transition.
150
00:06:37,643 --> 00:06:40,377
- How do I do that?
- Darling, it's nothing.
151
00:06:40,479 --> 00:06:42,779
You just got to drink
some human blood, baby.
152
00:06:42,881 --> 00:06:46,800
That's all. I am going
to teach you how to kill.
153
00:06:46,902 --> 00:06:48,869
Okay, is there any way I could
just drink their blood,
154
00:06:48,971 --> 00:06:51,304
- but not kill them?
- Shh.
155
00:06:51,407 --> 00:06:53,974
- You just shut up now,
my stupid little baby. -Okay.
156
00:07:01,750 --> 00:07:02,933
GUILLERMO: So,
I promised to help my master
157
00:07:03,035 --> 00:07:05,435
- apply for citizenship.
- Yes?
158
00:07:05,604 --> 00:07:07,504
Ah, Guillermo. Excellent.
159
00:07:07,606 --> 00:07:12,642
I called Immigration and you
are eligible for citizenship.
160
00:07:12,744 --> 00:07:15,579
- You actually started the process,
but you didn't finish. -Great.
161
00:07:15,681 --> 00:07:16,646
I didn't?
162
00:07:16,748 --> 00:07:18,715
No. 1992.
163
00:07:18,801 --> 00:07:23,303
I did apply for my American
citizenship back in 1992.
164
00:07:23,405 --> 00:07:26,406
For five reasons
and five reasons only:
165
00:07:26,508 --> 00:07:31,211
Johnson, Jordan,
Bird, Barkley, Ewing.
166
00:07:31,313 --> 00:07:32,879
The starting lineup
167
00:07:32,981 --> 00:07:37,834
for the 1992 U.S. Olympic
men's basketball team.
168
00:07:37,970 --> 00:07:39,903
- The Dream Team, baby!
- ♪ I got the moves... ♪
169
00:07:40,005 --> 00:07:42,706
I call this my "Dunk Zone."
170
00:07:42,808 --> 00:07:44,374
They were merciless.
171
00:07:44,476 --> 00:07:46,243
Titans amongst men.
172
00:07:46,345 --> 00:07:47,844
Conquerors of the court.
173
00:07:47,946 --> 00:07:49,246
I simply had to
174
00:07:49,348 --> 00:07:52,365
pledge my undying allegiance
to their nation.
175
00:07:52,468 --> 00:07:53,467
GUILLERMO: Well,
what happened in 1992?
176
00:07:53,569 --> 00:07:56,336
Why didn't you
complete the process?
177
00:07:56,438 --> 00:08:00,040
Probably because the Macarena
swept the nation.
178
00:08:00,142 --> 00:08:03,643
So... I didn't really have time
for anything else.
179
00:08:03,745 --> 00:08:06,580
Okay, every vampire has
their own special power.
180
00:08:06,682 --> 00:08:08,482
So, we need to work out
what yours is,
181
00:08:08,584 --> 00:08:11,801
so you can trap and kill
your first human meal.
182
00:08:11,904 --> 00:08:14,237
I can fold my tongue
like a taco.
183
00:08:14,339 --> 00:08:15,472
What's that? Oh, no.
184
00:08:15,574 --> 00:08:18,275
No. Let's try... You seduce me.
185
00:08:18,377 --> 00:08:20,110
I am just stupid human man.
186
00:08:20,212 --> 00:08:24,748
Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls.
I-I'd love to drink a beer.
187
00:08:24,850 --> 00:08:27,868
- Okay.
- Bite your lip seductively.
188
00:08:27,970 --> 00:08:29,736
(LIP CRUNCHES)
189
00:08:29,838 --> 00:08:31,404
Ow.
190
00:08:31,507 --> 00:08:34,708
Okay. Maybe seduction
isn't your special power.
191
00:08:34,810 --> 00:08:35,942
Well, what's your power?
192
00:08:36,044 --> 00:08:38,311
I am an excellent crawler.
193
00:08:38,413 --> 00:08:39,579
- You can see.
- Oh.
194
00:08:44,303 --> 00:08:46,136
(QUIETLY):
Oh, she can do everything.
195
00:08:46,238 --> 00:08:48,371
Come on, try it. Maybe you're
a creepy crawler like me.
196
00:08:49,474 --> 00:08:50,640
Darling, it's very easy,
197
00:08:50,742 --> 00:08:52,776
you just scratch up the wall.
198
00:08:52,878 --> 00:08:55,745
That's right. Come on.
That's it. You're doing...
199
00:08:55,847 --> 00:08:58,381
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
200
00:08:58,483 --> 00:09:00,066
- Oh, no, are you okay?
- (GROANS)
201
00:09:00,168 --> 00:09:01,701
What the hell is going on?
202
00:09:01,803 --> 00:09:04,638
What's all this mess
and what are you doing up there?
203
00:09:04,740 --> 00:09:07,040
Calm down, Laszlo. I was just
teaching the little stupid baby
204
00:09:07,142 --> 00:09:08,508
vampire how to crawl.
205
00:09:08,610 --> 00:09:09,809
- Who?
- Jenna.
206
00:09:09,912 --> 00:09:11,344
- Who's Jenna?
- She's right there.
207
00:09:11,446 --> 00:09:13,647
Oh, right, I didn't see you.
208
00:09:13,749 --> 00:09:15,015
She should be in a bloody cage.
209
00:09:15,117 --> 00:09:16,766
(GASPS) Laszlo. (HISSES)
210
00:09:16,868 --> 00:09:19,135
- (BOTH HISSING)
- JENNA: That's a horrible thing to say.
211
00:09:19,238 --> 00:09:21,771
Ah, see what you've done.
Ruined her confidence. (HISSES)
212
00:09:21,873 --> 00:09:25,442
- (DOOR SLAMS) -Damn.
- Idiot. (HISSES)
213
00:09:25,544 --> 00:09:27,877
GUILLERMO: Okay, just imagine
we're at the Immigration office
214
00:09:27,980 --> 00:09:29,446
and I'll be
the government official.
215
00:09:29,548 --> 00:09:31,047
When and where were you born?
216
00:09:31,149 --> 00:09:34,267
Al Quolanudar. Eh, 1262.
217
00:09:34,369 --> 00:09:35,468
And where is that?
218
00:09:35,571 --> 00:09:36,670
Southern Iran.
219
00:09:36,772 --> 00:09:39,706
Mm-hmm. Maybe not mention Iran.
220
00:09:39,808 --> 00:09:41,274
Why did you leave your country?
221
00:09:41,376 --> 00:09:44,811
Standard reasons.
Uh, driven out by peasants.
222
00:09:46,548 --> 00:09:48,014
How many times
have you been married?
223
00:09:48,116 --> 00:09:50,000
- Just the once.
- Okay.
224
00:09:50,102 --> 00:09:51,301
To 37 women.
225
00:09:53,238 --> 00:09:54,704
- (KNOCKING)
- NADJA: Jenna,
226
00:09:54,806 --> 00:09:57,674
Laszlo is very sorry
and he has something to say.
227
00:09:57,776 --> 00:09:59,876
I say, little vampire,
228
00:09:59,978 --> 00:10:03,880
I'm very sorry for saying
you should be kept in a cage.
229
00:10:03,982 --> 00:10:07,033
All of my knowledge
and the best of my abilities
230
00:10:07,135 --> 00:10:11,871
will turn you into the most
impressive vampire there is.
231
00:10:11,974 --> 00:10:13,106
(WHISPERS):
Yes.
232
00:10:13,208 --> 00:10:15,041
- (DOOR CREAKS)
- Hello.
233
00:10:15,143 --> 00:10:17,944
- Really?
- Absolutely.
234
00:10:18,046 --> 00:10:19,446
Who is George Washington?
235
00:10:19,548 --> 00:10:20,947
- George Washington?
- Yes.
236
00:10:21,049 --> 00:10:24,968
America's first gay president.
237
00:10:25,070 --> 00:10:27,337
I don't think that George
Washington was actually...
238
00:10:27,439 --> 00:10:28,872
Yes.
239
00:10:28,974 --> 00:10:31,841
- Hello, Nandor!
- Hello.
240
00:10:31,943 --> 00:10:33,276
Is that that virgin girl?
241
00:10:33,378 --> 00:10:34,811
Hi!
242
00:10:35,881 --> 00:10:37,013
Is she a vampire now?
243
00:10:37,115 --> 00:10:39,766
Well, she's got fangs
and the white pale face,
244
00:10:39,868 --> 00:10:41,368
it's a pretty major clue.
245
00:10:41,470 --> 00:10:45,105
(SIGHS)
Anyway, which one is better,
246
00:10:45,207 --> 00:10:47,707
alt-right or Antifa?
247
00:10:47,809 --> 00:10:49,976
I'm trying to decide
which team to join...
248
00:10:50,078 --> 00:10:52,779
GUILLERMO: I just, uh,
found out that Nadja has turned someone...
249
00:10:52,881 --> 00:10:55,181
Someone so random,
it's crazy, like, it's crazy...
250
00:10:55,283 --> 00:10:57,667
Into a vampire.
251
00:10:57,769 --> 00:11:00,036
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
252
00:11:00,138 --> 00:11:02,038
The transformation into a bat
253
00:11:02,140 --> 00:11:03,873
is probably
the most important thing
254
00:11:03,975 --> 00:11:05,875
- a vampire can do.
- NADJA: Yes.
255
00:11:06,044 --> 00:11:07,377
Do you have somewhere
that I could put my clothes?
256
00:11:07,479 --> 00:11:08,845
- No, no, no. Don't do that.
- Wait, what are you doing?
257
00:11:08,947 --> 00:11:12,082
If I'm gonna be a bat,
then don't I have to get...
258
00:11:12,184 --> 00:11:13,767
nak... Where do my clothes go?
259
00:11:15,270 --> 00:11:16,369
Huh.
260
00:11:16,471 --> 00:11:17,671
Um...
261
00:11:17,773 --> 00:11:19,906
Let's not get bogged down
in the details.
262
00:11:20,008 --> 00:11:22,142
- Keep your clothes on for now.
- Oh, okay.
263
00:11:23,278 --> 00:11:24,711
Right.
264
00:11:24,813 --> 00:11:26,513
When I turn into a bat,
265
00:11:26,615 --> 00:11:28,181
there's no real skill
to it at all.
266
00:11:28,283 --> 00:11:30,433
I just shout "bat!"
267
00:11:30,535 --> 00:11:32,335
(SQUEAKING)
268
00:11:32,437 --> 00:11:33,903
Human form!
269
00:11:34,005 --> 00:11:36,072
- Much like that.
- Oh, wow.
270
00:11:36,174 --> 00:11:37,107
Your turn.
271
00:11:37,209 --> 00:11:38,675
Okay.
272
00:11:38,777 --> 00:11:39,876
(EXHALES)
273
00:11:39,978 --> 00:11:42,512
Bat!
274
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:44,114
- (HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING) -Oh.
- Ooh.
275
00:11:44,216 --> 00:11:46,266
NADJA: It's okay, calm down
and just stop screaming.
276
00:11:46,368 --> 00:11:47,867
- Terrifying.
- What the heck?
277
00:11:47,969 --> 00:11:49,369
- What would you even call that?
- I don't know.
278
00:11:49,471 --> 00:11:51,204
"We, the people..."
279
00:11:51,306 --> 00:11:53,173
We, the people...
280
00:11:53,275 --> 00:11:55,008
- "We, the..."
- (LOUD THUD)
281
00:11:55,110 --> 00:11:56,743
- JENNA: Ow!
- What was that?
282
00:11:56,845 --> 00:11:59,779
Sounded like someone threw
a bag of garbage off the roof.
283
00:11:59,881 --> 00:12:02,315
Well, go and investigate.
284
00:12:07,506 --> 00:12:08,938
Sorry, hi.
285
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,174
- Yep. Bag of garbage.
- Uh, hi.
286
00:12:11,276 --> 00:12:13,343
Is there any way
you could let me back in?
287
00:12:13,445 --> 00:12:15,245
Yeah.
288
00:12:17,282 --> 00:12:18,648
(QUIETLY): You can
figure it out on your own
289
00:12:18,750 --> 00:12:20,400
since you're
a fucking vampire now.
290
00:12:20,502 --> 00:12:21,801
JENNA: Guillermo?
291
00:12:21,903 --> 00:12:23,269
I can hear you.
292
00:12:23,371 --> 00:12:24,738
Heightened senses.
293
00:12:33,081 --> 00:12:34,080
NADJA: I just don't understand.
Turning into a bat
294
00:12:34,182 --> 00:12:36,566
is the easiest thing
for a vampire to do.
295
00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:39,736
I am not disappointed
with Jenna's progress so far.
296
00:12:39,838 --> 00:12:43,072
So, you know, maybe she
doesn't have a special power.
297
00:12:43,175 --> 00:12:45,408
So what?
She's a below-average vampire.
298
00:12:45,510 --> 00:12:47,410
Either way, I do think
she's very much ready
299
00:12:47,512 --> 00:12:48,978
for her first human meal.
300
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:50,413
I believe in you very much.
301
00:12:50,515 --> 00:12:51,648
We are going to go to a party
302
00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:53,166
full of hot idiots.
303
00:12:53,268 --> 00:12:54,667
We demand you invite us
304
00:12:54,770 --> 00:12:57,137
inside your house carnival, now.
305
00:12:57,239 --> 00:12:58,938
Yeah, that's gonna be a "no."
306
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:00,240
Oh.
307
00:13:00,342 --> 00:13:02,809
We will do whatever the hell
we want to do.
308
00:13:02,911 --> 00:13:06,846
And you will respect women
a lot more after this, okay?
309
00:13:06,948 --> 00:13:08,047
Okay.
310
00:13:08,150 --> 00:13:09,833
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
311
00:13:12,103 --> 00:13:14,170
NANDOR: Obviously,
I'm just going to
312
00:13:14,272 --> 00:13:18,141
hypnotize my interviewer
into giving me my citizenship.
313
00:13:18,243 --> 00:13:21,144
When was the last time you
traveled out of this country?
314
00:13:21,263 --> 00:13:22,745
Listen to my words.
315
00:13:22,848 --> 00:13:27,967
You will grant me
my American citizenship.
316
00:13:28,069 --> 00:13:31,838
Make me one
with your evil empire.
317
00:13:34,276 --> 00:13:35,842
Is this a joke to you, sir?
318
00:13:35,944 --> 00:13:37,844
Um...
319
00:13:37,946 --> 00:13:39,579
No.
320
00:13:41,483 --> 00:13:43,333
- Good.
- NANDOR: It seems
321
00:13:43,435 --> 00:13:48,838
that, uh, government workers
are immune to hypnotism.
322
00:13:48,940 --> 00:13:51,574
It's like their souls are dead
or something.
323
00:13:51,676 --> 00:13:54,177
Please describe
the right to bear arms.
324
00:13:54,279 --> 00:13:57,547
NANDOR: If it's a nice day,
325
00:13:57,649 --> 00:14:01,634
you should have the right
326
00:14:01,736 --> 00:14:04,704
to bare your arms.
327
00:14:04,806 --> 00:14:07,473
All right.
Moving on.
328
00:14:07,576 --> 00:14:08,474
NANDOR (WHISPERS): I don't detect
329
00:14:08,577 --> 00:14:10,877
any human left in them.
330
00:14:10,979 --> 00:14:12,779
- (SKA BAND PLAYING)
- NADJA: Right. Who in here looks
331
00:14:12,881 --> 00:14:14,814
lovely, yummy-yummy,
tasty enough to eat?
332
00:14:14,916 --> 00:14:16,266
Oh, what about him?
333
00:14:16,368 --> 00:14:17,901
He looks like
a really good laugh.
334
00:14:18,003 --> 00:14:19,569
JENNA:
He's in my stats class.
335
00:14:19,671 --> 00:14:20,937
So?
336
00:14:21,039 --> 00:14:23,072
So, I-I cannot kill him
337
00:14:23,174 --> 00:14:25,308
because that would be
a very big blow to his family.
338
00:14:25,410 --> 00:14:27,544
I can't take that on
emotionally.
339
00:14:27,646 --> 00:14:28,778
Please, darling, listen to me.
340
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,381
We are in a room
full of pure asshole.
341
00:14:31,483 --> 00:14:33,099
You can do no wrong. Honestly.
342
00:14:33,201 --> 00:14:35,935
I believe in you, my darling.
(MUTTERS)
343
00:14:36,037 --> 00:14:37,370
- Okay.
- Okay.
344
00:14:37,472 --> 00:14:40,306
We elect a president
for how many years?
345
00:14:40,408 --> 00:14:42,709
A thousand years.
346
00:14:47,916 --> 00:14:48,948
Okay.
347
00:14:49,050 --> 00:14:50,600
The idea of self-government
348
00:14:50,702 --> 00:14:53,736
is in the first three words
of the Constitution.
349
00:14:53,838 --> 00:14:58,708
So what are these words?
350
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,109
Huh?
351
00:15:00,211 --> 00:15:03,112
Hey... you guys.
352
00:15:03,214 --> 00:15:04,814
Yeah. Okay.
353
00:15:04,916 --> 00:15:08,768
What does the Constitution do
for the people?
354
00:15:08,870 --> 00:15:10,436
- It...
- Oppresses them.
355
00:15:13,241 --> 00:15:15,108
Try and get his attention,
darling.
356
00:15:15,210 --> 00:15:16,776
Lovely red face.
357
00:15:16,878 --> 00:15:18,945
Are you enjoying your drink?
358
00:15:19,047 --> 00:15:21,547
Are you enjoying your drink?!
359
00:15:21,650 --> 00:15:23,800
- I don't think he hears me.
- No,
360
00:15:23,902 --> 00:15:25,768
I just think maybe
you're not trying hard enough.
361
00:15:25,870 --> 00:15:27,103
Just watch me, okay?
362
00:15:27,205 --> 00:15:29,005
Oh, hello.
363
00:15:29,107 --> 00:15:33,276
Oops, I'm... very sorry
for bumping into you.
364
00:15:33,378 --> 00:15:35,345
I will punish myself later,
365
00:15:35,447 --> 00:15:37,647
'cause I'm such a bad girl.
366
00:15:37,749 --> 00:15:39,048
Who are your parents?
367
00:15:39,150 --> 00:15:44,504
They are very bad for making
such a big boy.
368
00:15:44,623 --> 00:15:46,205
I love you.
369
00:15:46,308 --> 00:15:47,707
So much.
370
00:15:47,809 --> 00:15:50,009
See? It's very, very easy.
371
00:15:50,111 --> 00:15:51,978
Just might want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
372
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,647
- I live to be your slave.
- Yes, yes.
373
00:15:54,749 --> 00:15:56,933
Now, go upstairs, put your head
deep inside the toilet bowl,
374
00:15:57,035 --> 00:15:58,968
and flush it seven times.
375
00:15:59,070 --> 00:16:01,037
(BEER CUPS TUMBLE ONTO FLOOR)
376
00:16:01,139 --> 00:16:03,339
I think, I think that was
an abuse of power.
377
00:16:03,441 --> 00:16:05,441
I think it's just
an abuse of that boy.
378
00:16:05,610 --> 00:16:07,076
- Oh, my...!
- (NADJA GASPS)
379
00:16:07,178 --> 00:16:08,111
Hello.
380
00:16:08,213 --> 00:16:09,212
Hello?!
381
00:16:09,314 --> 00:16:10,446
Okay. No, it's okay.
382
00:16:10,548 --> 00:16:12,215
- He'll-he'll apologize.
- No.
383
00:16:12,317 --> 00:16:13,666
You have just spilled
384
00:16:13,768 --> 00:16:15,902
your tankard of mead
all over my companion.
385
00:16:16,004 --> 00:16:17,070
What? Who?
386
00:16:17,172 --> 00:16:18,171
Me.
387
00:16:18,273 --> 00:16:19,272
(HISSES)
388
00:16:19,374 --> 00:16:21,174
(GROANS) This is pointless!
389
00:16:21,276 --> 00:16:22,675
Nobody sees me!
390
00:16:22,777 --> 00:16:24,944
Why don't they see me?
This is pointless!
391
00:16:25,046 --> 00:16:26,446
No, darling, it's not pointless.
392
00:16:26,548 --> 00:16:28,881
No! I'm done! I'm done.
I've had it.
393
00:16:28,984 --> 00:16:30,266
- Thank you, I'm sorry.
- But...
394
00:16:30,368 --> 00:16:32,502
(JENNA EXHALES HEAVILY)
Excuse me! Could you just...
395
00:16:32,604 --> 00:16:35,338
Can you just get out of my way?!
396
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:36,873
Get out of my way!
397
00:16:36,975 --> 00:16:38,941
Why does nobody hear me?!
398
00:16:39,044 --> 00:16:40,743
(SCREAMS)
399
00:16:40,845 --> 00:16:42,045
(GASPS) Wh...
400
00:16:42,147 --> 00:16:44,247
- (WOMAN GASPS)
- (MAN GRUNTS)
401
00:16:44,349 --> 00:16:46,499
- Whoa!
- What is that?
402
00:16:46,601 --> 00:16:49,002
- (PARTYGOERS SCREAM)
- (NADJA LAUGHS)
403
00:16:49,104 --> 00:16:50,236
Did you see?
404
00:16:50,338 --> 00:16:51,904
Did anyone... Really?!
405
00:16:52,007 --> 00:16:53,072
- Jenna?
- Whoa.
406
00:16:53,174 --> 00:16:54,941
You went invisible.
407
00:16:55,043 --> 00:16:57,410
The... Didn't you see it?
408
00:16:57,512 --> 00:17:00,546
You have a very,
very special power.
409
00:17:00,648 --> 00:17:04,000
You are going to murder so many
human people with this.
410
00:17:07,205 --> 00:17:09,005
- Yes.
- (SMALL SCREAM)
411
00:17:09,107 --> 00:17:10,506
(SCREAMS)
412
00:17:10,642 --> 00:17:12,108
JENNA: This is the
best night of my life!
413
00:17:12,210 --> 00:17:13,576
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- NADJA: Where has she gone?
414
00:17:13,678 --> 00:17:16,079
Dracula's in the house!
415
00:17:16,181 --> 00:17:17,447
Where's my Jenna?
416
00:17:17,549 --> 00:17:18,614
There she is!
417
00:17:18,717 --> 00:17:20,500
- (SQUEALS)
- This is amazing!
418
00:17:20,602 --> 00:17:24,003
I have a cool vampire power.
419
00:17:24,105 --> 00:17:26,139
Now, I wonder if anyone looks
420
00:17:26,241 --> 00:17:27,807
a little bit yummy-scrummy-bummy
421
00:17:27,909 --> 00:17:30,443
for you to murder with
your mouth right now, hey?
422
00:17:30,545 --> 00:17:31,844
- (PLAYING SKA MUSIC)
- ♪ Pick it up ♪
423
00:17:31,946 --> 00:17:33,913
♪ Pick it up,
pick it up, pick it up ♪
424
00:17:34,015 --> 00:17:35,148
♪ Pick it up, pick it up,
pick it up... ♪
425
00:17:35,250 --> 00:17:37,300
- (YELLS)
- (MUSIC STOPS, PARTYGOERS GASP)
426
00:17:37,402 --> 00:17:38,501
- (GRUNTING)
- (JENNA GRUNTS)
427
00:17:38,603 --> 00:17:39,969
MAN:
Pick him up!
428
00:17:40,071 --> 00:17:42,071
(GRUNTING)
429
00:17:48,213 --> 00:17:50,213
(PANTING)
430
00:17:53,101 --> 00:17:55,435
- What the fuck?!
- Hi.
431
00:17:55,537 --> 00:17:56,903
Hey, there.
Um, no, it's okay.
432
00:17:57,005 --> 00:17:59,505
Ah! (GASPING)
433
00:17:59,607 --> 00:18:03,276
Aah...
434
00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:10,333
Hmm.
435
00:18:10,435 --> 00:18:13,169
Just need a little bit of...
little bit of chill.
436
00:18:13,271 --> 00:18:15,872
Okay, s-sorry.
Hold-hold still.
437
00:18:15,974 --> 00:18:18,474
Just gonna get the lid on
nice and tight
438
00:18:18,576 --> 00:18:21,077
on your blood, so it doesn't,
um, leak in my backpack.
439
00:18:21,179 --> 00:18:22,812
I've done as you asked,
Mistress.
440
00:18:22,914 --> 00:18:24,247
Not now, big boy.
441
00:18:24,365 --> 00:18:26,365
Go and eat some bricks.
442
00:18:28,636 --> 00:18:30,069
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Now,
to test your English comprehension,
443
00:18:30,171 --> 00:18:32,071
I'm going to ask you to recite
444
00:18:32,173 --> 00:18:33,573
the Oath of Allegiance.
445
00:18:33,675 --> 00:18:35,408
NANDOR: Okay.
446
00:18:36,778 --> 00:18:38,244
"I hereby declare, on oath,
447
00:18:38,346 --> 00:18:40,680
"that I absolutely and entirely
renounce and abjure
448
00:18:40,782 --> 00:18:43,499
"all allegiance and fidelity
to any foreign prince
449
00:18:43,601 --> 00:18:45,535
"and without
any mental reservation
450
00:18:45,637 --> 00:18:49,338
"or purpose of evasion,
so help me G..."
451
00:18:52,844 --> 00:18:55,044
So help me G...
452
00:18:55,146 --> 00:18:57,547
(SIGHS)
So help me G...
453
00:18:57,649 --> 00:19:01,267
Could I possibly
just skip the last bit? Huh?
454
00:19:03,571 --> 00:19:05,738
So help me God!
455
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,573
(NANDOR SCREAMING)
456
00:19:07,675 --> 00:19:09,275
- (FLAMES HISS OUT)
- Oh...
457
00:19:09,377 --> 00:19:11,744
(MUFFLED): Ow. Ow.
458
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,012
(GROANING)
459
00:19:22,674 --> 00:19:25,341
You ready to go?
460
00:19:25,443 --> 00:19:27,210
I didn't pass.
461
00:19:27,312 --> 00:19:29,378
Made a fool out of myself.
462
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:32,081
I have no country,
I have no home.
463
00:19:32,183 --> 00:19:34,233
I have no people.
464
00:19:34,335 --> 00:19:36,869
I'm like a little lost duck,
465
00:19:36,971 --> 00:19:39,105
floating about
in the middle of the ocean.
466
00:19:39,207 --> 00:19:41,207
Oh, will you stop fucking
complaining?
467
00:19:42,443 --> 00:19:44,443
- Excuse me?
- You know, I'm tired of it.
468
00:19:44,546 --> 00:19:46,379
So what? You're not
a fucking American citizen.
469
00:19:46,481 --> 00:19:47,880
You're not
a citizen of anything.
470
00:19:47,982 --> 00:19:49,515
You're a vampire!
471
00:19:49,601 --> 00:19:51,567
Okay? You can fly.
472
00:19:51,669 --> 00:19:53,569
You can transport
anywhere as a bat!
473
00:19:53,671 --> 00:19:54,837
You are immortal.
474
00:19:54,939 --> 00:19:57,340
Do you have any idea how much
475
00:19:57,442 --> 00:19:59,442
people would pay,
who they would kill
476
00:19:59,544 --> 00:20:01,077
just to be who you are?
477
00:20:01,145 --> 00:20:02,578
To be in your shoes?
478
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,680
In your fucking shoes!
479
00:20:04,782 --> 00:20:07,500
You should be fucking proud
of yourself.
480
00:20:07,602 --> 00:20:09,602
Proud of who you are.
481
00:20:09,704 --> 00:20:12,605
Wow.
482
00:20:12,707 --> 00:20:13,973
Guillermo.
483
00:20:15,210 --> 00:20:17,343
You are right.
484
00:20:17,462 --> 00:20:19,579
I am a vampire.
485
00:20:19,681 --> 00:20:22,882
A cool and powerful vampire.
486
00:20:26,337 --> 00:20:28,537
Hear my words!
487
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,275
I am a proud vampire!
488
00:20:32,377 --> 00:20:35,077
I will not bow down
489
00:20:35,179 --> 00:20:37,246
to your pathetic bureaucracies.
490
00:20:37,348 --> 00:20:40,733
It is you
who will bow down to me!
491
00:20:40,835 --> 00:20:43,502
I don't need your citizenship.
492
00:20:43,605 --> 00:20:44,904
I will rule
493
00:20:45,006 --> 00:20:47,707
this earth for eternity
494
00:20:47,809 --> 00:20:49,275
as you rot
495
00:20:49,377 --> 00:20:52,111
and your bones turn to dust!
496
00:20:52,213 --> 00:20:53,246
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
497
00:20:53,348 --> 00:20:54,847
Yes!
498
00:20:54,949 --> 00:20:57,266
Sound the alarms!
499
00:20:57,368 --> 00:21:00,536
It won't make no difference!
500
00:21:00,638 --> 00:21:02,638
(CAR ALARM DIES AWAY)
501
00:21:04,108 --> 00:21:06,175
(NANDOR EXHALES)
502
00:21:08,713 --> 00:21:11,480
Guillermo...
503
00:21:11,582 --> 00:21:15,301
I appreciate you telling me
how it is back there.
504
00:21:15,403 --> 00:21:19,138
Your tone was
highly disrespectful, but...
505
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,340
you were right.
506
00:21:21,442 --> 00:21:22,575
Thank you.
507
00:21:22,677 --> 00:21:24,477
You're welcome.
508
00:21:24,579 --> 00:21:28,314
I guess now that you have
your, uh, confidence back
509
00:21:28,416 --> 00:21:30,733
you probably need
some vampire sidekick to...
510
00:21:30,835 --> 00:21:32,101
Nah, I'm good.
511
00:21:32,203 --> 00:21:34,403
Oh.
512
00:21:34,505 --> 00:21:35,972
Hands down,
the best night of my life.
513
00:21:36,074 --> 00:21:38,174
- I mean, I'm invisible...
- Yes.
514
00:21:38,276 --> 00:21:40,009
...I ate my first dude,
515
00:21:40,111 --> 00:21:42,311
and I've never
stayed up this late.
516
00:21:42,413 --> 00:21:43,913
Can we, like,
watch the sun rise or something?
517
00:21:44,015 --> 00:21:44,981
- That would be so nice.
- Oh...
518
00:21:45,083 --> 00:21:45,982
We could cozy up.
519
00:21:46,084 --> 00:21:48,167
About that, um...
520
00:21:48,269 --> 00:21:49,969
Funny, very funny story.
521
00:21:50,071 --> 00:21:52,071
You can never go
in the sun again,
522
00:21:52,173 --> 00:21:53,572
because if you do,
523
00:21:53,675 --> 00:21:56,575
you will burst
into a boiling ball of flame.
524
00:21:56,678 --> 00:21:59,111
Sorry.
525
00:21:59,213 --> 00:22:00,613
I am a little disappointed
526
00:22:00,715 --> 00:22:02,682
I didn't get to be
a American citizen.
527
00:22:02,784 --> 00:22:05,501
I was really looking forward
to buying a gun.
528
00:22:05,670 --> 00:22:07,403
Oh, you don't need to be
a citizen to get a gun.
529
00:22:07,505 --> 00:22:08,871
They'll give those to anyone.
530
00:22:08,973 --> 00:22:10,806
- Really?
- Yeah.
531
00:22:10,908 --> 00:22:13,542
Even in Al Quolanudar
you couldn't get a sword
532
00:22:13,644 --> 00:22:15,578
without the checking
of your background.
533
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:16,812
JENNA: I got it!
534
00:22:16,914 --> 00:22:19,181
NADJA: What? What is it?
535
00:22:19,283 --> 00:22:21,534
Motorcycle helmets protect
vampires from the sun.
536
00:22:21,636 --> 00:22:22,635
Haven't you seen Blade?
537
00:22:22,737 --> 00:22:24,136
They put the things on
538
00:22:24,238 --> 00:22:26,305
and then the sun can't hit you.
539
00:22:26,407 --> 00:22:27,907
- Oh.
- Trust me.
540
00:22:28,009 --> 00:22:30,409
It's the night of many firsts,
for both of us.
541
00:22:30,511 --> 00:22:33,179
NADJA: You are now a
full, strong vampire.
542
00:22:33,281 --> 00:22:34,980
You no longer need me.
543
00:22:35,083 --> 00:22:38,834
And thus, your never-ending
journey begins.
544
00:22:38,936 --> 00:22:41,237
- It's so exciting!
- JENNA: It is!
545
00:22:41,339 --> 00:22:43,305
- (HISSING)
- NADJA: What the fuck?
546
00:22:43,408 --> 00:22:45,174
- JENNA: Ah!
- NADJA: Curse!
547
00:22:45,276 --> 00:22:46,208
Oh, that's very hot!
548
00:22:46,310 --> 00:22:47,977
Let us go!
549
00:22:48,079 --> 00:22:49,578
(JENNA SQUEALING)
550
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,514
(SKA MUSIC PLAYING)
551
00:22:51,616 --> 00:22:54,867
♪ Ooh, vampire ska ♪
552
00:22:54,969 --> 00:22:57,803
♪ Raise up the soul,
pack up the school time ♪
553
00:22:57,905 --> 00:23:00,239
♪ Everybody knew that
she was ruler ♪
554
00:23:00,341 --> 00:23:02,708
♪ Wants to sink her fangs deep
in your neck ♪
555
00:23:02,810 --> 00:23:04,910
♪ She's gonna take you home
and show you no respect ♪
556
00:23:05,079 --> 00:23:06,979
♪ She's a vampire ♪
557
00:23:07,081 --> 00:23:09,081
♪ Tina ♪
558
00:23:10,301 --> 00:23:13,536
♪ Ooh, vampire ska ♪
559
00:23:13,638 --> 00:23:16,238
♪ She said, "You dress
like a city gent" ♪
560
00:23:16,340 --> 00:23:19,075
♪ So out for a pint
is where we went ♪
561
00:23:19,177 --> 00:23:21,610
♪ Her bomber jacket
had a Guinness towel ♪
562
00:23:21,712 --> 00:23:23,646
♪ She looked real sharp
in my chrome cowl ♪
563
00:23:23,748 --> 00:23:26,699
♪ She's a vampire. ♪
563
00:23:27,305 --> 00:23:33,432
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