Original subtitles

(theme music plays)

John: Do you know who she is yet?

Tara: Her name is Helen Pritchard.

Right.

She was found in the middle of a field.

Right.

Wearing only a night dress.

Right.

Well then.

Both: Yes?

It just doesn't make sense.

Where on Earth did she come from, I wonder?

That is what Captain Cordell is trying to find out.

A train?

That's right, sir, a train went through

about an hour before Helen Pritchard was found.

A night express, sir. It was a sleeper.

Train!

That would explain the night dress, sir.

She was traveling in a sleeping bus and...

I fully appreciate the ramifications

of your discoveries, Captain Cordell.

So she was on a train.

Now there's one question that remains to be answered.

Did she fall or was she pushed?

Train.

A-a Train.

Cordell That's right.

You were on the train and...?

A coffin.

A dead man.

A dead man in a coffin!

A dead man who wasn't dead! Oh!

A dead man in a coffin.

A dead man... who isn't dead.

It's quite a coincidence.

There was a coffin aboard that train.

I ran a check on passengers and freight.

There was a coffin aboard.

- Inhabited? - Yes.

- With a dead man in it. - Where was it going?

To The Happy Meadows.

For burial.

Ah! Good morning.

Good morning, dear sir.

Good morning.

Steed. John Steed.

Happychap.

Well, moderately.

No, no. You misunderstand.

I'm Happychap. Bagpipes Happychap.

Oh, how do you... Bagpipes?

My father's fault, really.

You see, when my mother told him she was gonna present him

with a squeaky little bundle, he thought she meant

the set of bagpipes that he'd always set his heart on.

Then when of course I arrived, it was his way of fighting back.

A sad burden.

Yes, it's not as though I'm Scots.

I mean, if I'd been really Scots,

at least the name would have a partisan ring to it.

Well look on the bright side, Mr. Happychap.

After all, your father might have had an obsession

about sousaphones.

That is true. That is very true.

Well, now to business. Stand, please.

Mind you I can't see that we're going to be

doing much business for some time ahead.

Planning far ahead are, sir? Your plot now.

Stand on that, will you please.

Well, you are in luck because I can just squeeze you in

between two peers of the Realm.

- Well I actually I... - Or what about Jolly Jack Tar's

last jesting ground?

We like to make death fun.

I can squeeze you between an admiral on your port,

a midshipman on your starboard,

and a submarine commander astern.

I'm not here on that kind of business.

Oh.

A body arrived here a few days ago.

Now it was brought here by train.

Do you by any chance recall it?

Indeed I do.

Let me see, let me see, let me see.

Ah, yes, class-one interment.

17 wreaths of assorted plastic flowers

simulated mock-marble headstone.

Stands up to the elements much better than the real thing, you know.

And a special home bargain... Get in while stocks last...

Fiberboard casket. (chuckles)

- I remember it perfectly. - Where was it buried?

In our most exclusive area, Paradise Plot.

Now then, ah, let me see, uh, yes.

This is the one.

Here's the chap that came in by train.

Jonathan Jupp.

Helen, while you were on the train something happened.

You fell out... you tripped.

Train.

A train.

Not much progress.

John: Let me try something.

Helen? Helen?

Now these photographs...

do you recognize?

Do you recognize anyone?

No!

Jonathan Jupp. Do you know him?

Helen, do you know him?

No! Dead! He's dead on a train!

My dog!

(screams)

It was late.

I had my dog on the train with me.

He was travelling in the guard's van.

And I got up, and I went to the guard's van to feed him.

(screams)

(barking)

(screams)

It was him.

This man here.

Mother Do you believe her?

Sounded convincing.

Nevertheless, I, uh...

Nevertheless, she is suffering from concussion.

Now there was a coffin on that train.

She admits to having seen it.

The rest could be figment of her imagination,

hallucination brought on by her injuries.

Agreed.

Except for two things.

One...

she did pick out Jupp's photo.

And two?

Jonathan Jupp.

He's a financer.

Of course. I remember him now.

He was involved in some seedy deal or other.

He's about to be prosecuted for fraud.

And then he died of a heart attack.

- Convenient. - Very.

You've seen his grave?

His grave.

But not inside it.

All right.

I'll arrange for an exhumation order.

Well. Satisfied?

I just wanted to make sure he was there.

Really.

I got the...

- (gunshot) - (screams)

Brilliant.

Well, we were wrong, Mother.

Jupp was buried all right, but he's quite, quite dead.

So that's that.

I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid that's not that.

There was a murder attempt on Helen Pritchard.

Fortunately, Tara was there to foil the attack.

Unfortunately, the man was killed by his own gun.

But that still doesn't mean that has story about Jupp...

Well, there's more to it than that.

We've identified the attacker.

His name was Brad Morton.

Morton was a financier

on the brink of being prosecuted for fraud.

But his death wasn't engineered.

You said it was an accident, his... his own gun?

He died officially six months ago of a heart attack.

His body is buried at Happy Meadows.

Another one?

You want to exhume another one?

John: Afraid so.

Really, Mr. Steed, this morbid curiosity

is verging on an obsession.

If it's digging you're interested in,

why didn't you take up gardening?

I mean, roses, for instance... Plant now,

and by the summer, you should have a fine crop of...

Mr. Happychap.

All right.

- But if this ever got out in the trade... - It'll be our secret.

You see, people like to feel a sort of permanence about burial.

Up and down, up and down all the time,

people will imagine I'm holding a dig-in.

He's been stolen.

Taken away.

There's a thief in our midst.

- Come on. - Where are we going?

I want to use your phone.

That's it, Charlie.

In there.

Helen Pritchard, Ward 10.

Right.

- Helen? - Hmm?

Do you feel well enough to run through the story again?

But I told you all I know.

All you remembered.

Go through it again.

Perhaps there's something you've overlooked.

All right.

(engine starts)

It's no go.

No go?

What are you talking about?

She's barricaded in up there.

She's guarded. There's no chance.

Some people.

Mother?

Bradney Morton, he's not there.

There's a coffin but no body.

Body snatchers in this day and age?

That's what it looks like.

Oh, and another thing, I've been reading headstones.

What?

John Ash, George and Tony Barter,

Patrick Vernon.

Steed, will you please try and be coherent?

Think upon those names, Mother.

Ash, Barter, Vernon.

Of course... All financiers.

And all involved in seedy deals and all buried in Paradise Plot.

All right, there is only one thing for it.

All of them?

Uh... (chuckles)

Yes, Mother. Well, yes I agree.

It is the only way.

Uh, yes, yes, I'll attend to it.

Oh, uh...

Mr. Happychap?

Bagpipes...

Baggers, now this may come

as a little bit of a shock to you, but you're a big man,

and I'm sure you'll take it in your stride.

Bagpipes: What?! All of them?!

This is awful! Simply awful!

There's no body left.

The great grave robbery.

What do we do now?

Do?

Oh, no.

Not again.

Again.

Yes.

Yes, Grandma.

Yes, Grandma.

We are endeavoring to do our best.

Yes.

Steed at this very moment is trying to dig something up.

But it's impossible, quite impossible.

He was here a minute ago.

Ah, thank you, gentlemen.

It is impossible.

But it's happened.

But it happened.

A short time ago,

this man Jupp was dead and buried.

But now...

(instrumental surf music playing)

Everything to your satisfaction, Mr. Jupp?

Everything.

Are you sure there's,. Uh, nothing you want?

No, thanks.

Oh, there is one thing I'd like.

I'd like to see... (laughs)

I'd like to see my wife's face

if she knew where I was now.

(laughs)

I bet there'd be egg all over it!

I don't see how I can help you, Mr. Cordell.

My husband's death was very sudden.

And he didn't exactly leave me well provided for.

Yes, well that in itself is curious, Mrs. Jupp.

You know there was a great deal of money missing

from your husband's company.

Yes, but wherever he put it, the secret died with him

or he... He took it with him.

Yes, perhaps.

It was a heart attack, was it, Mrs. Jupp?

- And you found him? - Yes.

He was lying just over th... Oh, so sorry.

That's quite all right.

He'd... He'd never been ill before.

It all happened without warning,

just as he was planning to take me away.

Away?

Away where?

Well, he didn't tell me himself, you understand,

but I overheard him talking on the phone

to Mystic Tours.

He was arranging a trip,

arranging to go away for a long time.

A long time.

You heard him say that?

Yes, quite clearly.

And all this was arranged through Mystic Tours,

you're quite sure of that?

Yes, quite sure.

But where was he planning to go, Mrs. Jupp?

Well, I don't know exactly, but wherever it was,

it was somewhere nice,

somewhere absolutely wonderful.

And what made you think that?

Because I heard him say,

"Where I'm going, it'll be Paradise,

absolute Paradise."

Found anything you like here, sir?

No. Not really.

Uh, why don't you try our European junket?

That's nine countries in four days by coach.

By coach in four days?

(chuckles) Well, the driver used to be a Grand Prix driver.

You don't actually have to get off the coach.

We provide written summaries of every memorable experience

you might have had in each city to impress your friends.

We even provide photographs of you outside the Louvre,

Vatican...

Well, actually, I'm looking for something

a little more relaxing, an escape, uh...

Far from the cares of the world, eh?

Well, a bit more than that, actually.

Stop of business trouble, you understand me?

I'd like to get away from it all for a while,

somewhere cool.

Cool?

Well, I anticipate a hot spell in this country.

If I stay here, that is.

Have you any further information

of the sort of place you're trying to escape to?

Well, actually,

what I'm looking for is, uh... Paradise.

Absolute Paradise.

Paradise.

Paradise.

How are they doing it?

And why?

Who are they, and where are they?

Whole graveyard looted,

coffins dug up.

How on Earth?

My guess is it happens at night.

There's no night guard at Happy Meadows?

N...

Well, why should there be?

There's no reason to believe that the inhabitants

are going anywhere.

All the same, I really feel that...

(telephone rings)

Mother.

Cordell?

You're what?

Cordell: I'm taking a big chance calling you.

They're watching me the whole time.

Who's watching you? Where are you?

They're coming back. I'll call later if I can.

Cordell! Where are you?

I'm on my way to (whispers) Paradise.

Cordell! Cordell!

Paradise?

Oh, no. Not again.

Everyone's staying where they are.

(chuckles) This time, I just want information.

Oh. Oh, that's better.

What can I do for you?

If a man called Cordell calls or phones...

- William Cordell? - That's right.

- He's here already. - What?

Yes, he arrived a few minutes ago.

Poor chap, he got knocked over by a car.

His dying wish was that he should be interned in Paradise Plot.

Are you sure he was dead?

No respiration, no heartbeat, ice cold.

Yes, he was dead.

Anyway, it's a little late to ask questions.

He's already been buried.

- What next? - A night vigil.

We've got to catch the grave robbers red-handed.

A round-the-clock vigil from dusk to dawn.

Excellent, Steed. Excellent!

Esprit de corp and all that sort of thing.

Dedication to duty, heedless of sleep,

- the wintery night! - (groans)

Wake me if anything happens.

- What?! - I gave the job to Tara.

Cold out here, isn't it?

Cordell is a lot colder.

Oh...

oh, hello there.

Oh, hello.

Welcome to the club.

- Thanks. - I, uh...

I suppose you're here for the same reason as me.

Things got too hot in the... In the other world.

(laughs) Yes, that's right.

Man: Are we comfortable, gentlemen?

Oh, never better.

Don't forget,

if there's anything you want...

I tell you what,

I shall probably need a jolly long holiday

when I'm finished here. (laughs)

(chuckles)

Complaints will get you nowhere, Mr. Jupp.

Hi. Hiya.

Hiya!

Hey. Him.

I saw him at the hospital.

Oh.

Uh, no, look, what hospital?

What's this man talking about?

Naughty, Mr. Cordell.

It's getting light.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Waste of time. I always thought it would be.

A whole night wasted and nothing's happened.

Well? Now what?

Oh, no.

No.

No.

(whispers) No.

If you put money into a bank, a reputable bank,

you don't keep drawing it out to see if it's still there.

Here we are, sir.

There you are.

He's still there, and he is still dead.

Only this time, he's been shot.

Shot?

Shot?

Shot.

I wonder if it's too late

to hand this case over to another department.

And no one approached the grave during the night?

No one.

After all, it's an open and shut case.

Open the grave. Shut the grave.

Happychap was with you all the time?

Yes.

I could dress the report up,

make it seem simple and straightforward.

- Mother. - What?

Cordell spoke to Mrs. Jupp, didn't he?

Well, I believe he did.

I think I'll go and see her.

Oh, yes, he got quite interested, excited even,

When I told him my husband had been planning a holiday

with Mystic Tours.

Holiday? Where?

That's what Mr. Cordell wanted to know.

But I couldn't tell him.

I couldn't tell him anything.

Except that it would be Paradise.

Paradise?

Paradise, Mr. Steed?

That's what I'm looking for.

But aren't we all?

But not with so much fervor as me.

And another thing... They say that you can't buy

your way into heaven, but, uh...

but I aim to try.

I think...

you'd better step this way, Mr. Steed.

Master?

Master.

(whispers) I don't know whether you noticed,

but he's not breathing.

He's in what we call a deep state of trance.

Oh.

How long has he been like that?

Oh, he stopped his heart on Thursday last.

Or was it Friday?

Oh, Friday.

Well, how long will he remain like that?

It's difficult to wake him sometimes.

However, he is sensitive to certain things.

Do you mind?

Anything to help.

It usually works.

(Indian accent) Low and from the grasshopper sayeth I go.

Then 'tis time for the fish to leap.

He gets a bit like that.

Most profound master, we have a visitor.

A child in search of the eternal truth.

Then I sayeth this to thee...

Seek and ye shall find.

That's not original, you know.

Come only to me with a thirst for knowledge.

Come only to me with the desire to seek.

- Come only to me with... - With lots of money?

And he's got some money.

Thee are welcome.

Doubly welcome, sir.

I shall take your hand

and lead thee on a spiritual adventure.

Lo, when the lotus withereth on the leaf...

Then 'tis time to...

- Go to Paradise? - Go to Paradise, eh?

That's what he's come here for.

(English accent) Why didn't you say so in the first place?

When did Steed leave Mrs. Jupp?

I already told you... About three hours ago.

I am the master.

I'm also a charlatan...

fraud, a taker in of the gullible.

Well, that makes two of us.

Yes, I'm a charlatan save in one respect,

a secret I stumbled upon, a priceless secret

which I'm prepared to impart to others for a fee.

How much?

One third of that.

You see, I'm a gambler.

Gambling on your wit and chicanery,

you have made a killing.

Why else would you be here?

One third of that killing, Mr. Steed.

That depends on what you're prepared to offer in return.

A new life.

You've grown tired of the old one, eh?

- It has become inconvenient? - To put it mildly.

Very well, I will arrange for you to leave this life,

dispense with it, shuffle off this mortal coil.

If you were dead, Mr. Steed, if you were dead,

the world would not pursue you any further.

The heat would be off, eh?

I would arrange your death for you.

I could arrange that, too, and cheaper.

(laughs)

But I offer special after-death benefits.

Death is only the beginning, Mr. Steed.

It's the same pattern as before.

Not quite.

Cordell managed to call us.

I accept.

Excellent.

You won't live to regret it, I promise you.

I sincerely hope... I sincerely hope I do.

- Hmm? - Live.

Oh, yes. (laughs) Quite.

Have no fear.

Ah, well, I'll be back later.

I regret that now you are here, you must stay.

- But surely... - No.

You already know too much about us.

You must remain incommunicado until the whole thing is over.

I'm sorry, but those are the rules.

Incommunicado, not even for my mother?

Not even her.

When is this to be arranged?

Your death is already arranged.

It will be violent but quite painless.

(horn honks)

(tires screech)

Next stop, Paradise.

(rings)

Hello? Yes?

Oh, when?

I see. Thank you very much.

Bye. (Hangs up)

It's Steed. He's been located.

Well, come on, where is he?

Out at Happy Meadows.

Miss King.

Hello. Where is he?

- Where's who? - Steed.

He's gone.

Oh, it's just they told me he was here.

He was here, and... he's gone.

Any idea where?

He's in Paradise Plot.

Oh, he's not digging up another one of those...

I don't think you fully comprehend the situation,

Miss King.

I said he was in Paradise Plot.

What?

Dead. So we buried him.

Steed.

I assure you, he was quite dead.

(indistinct conversations)

(laughter)

(instrumental surf music plays)

The mind boggles.

What would it be like, I wonder,

if I'd lived a completely blameless life?

(chuckles)

This is really living.

Don't you mean dying? (laughs)

Jupp!

You know me.

I was in finance, too, remember?

We used to meet quite lot in the city.

Possible.

Well, Mr. Steed.

How do you like our Paradise?

Are our angels starry enough for you?

Unimprovable.

Apple?

Oh, thank you very much.

No. I don't want to spoil things.

How did I get here?

Master: That was my part of the bargain, Mr. Steed.

I said I had one genuine talent,

that of being able to suspend animation.

You were lightly bumped in a street accident,

just enough to render you unconscious,

but the world thinks you were killed.

After all, there was no pulse, breathing had ceased,

your body temperature was below that necessary to sustain life...

An illusion I created.

To all intents and purposes, you were dead.

And buried.

- Buried? - Look above you, Mr. Steed.

These tunnels, catacombs,

run directly beneath Paradise Plot, Happy Meadows.

And the door?

Connects to the coffins above.

It's just as easy to unscrew the side of a coffin

as it is the top, you see.

Relax, Mr. Steed.

There would be nobody chasing you down here.

The world above thinks you are dead.

Miss King...

Dig it up. Please dig it up.

- Right. - Right.

(lively instrumental pop music playing)

You pop out of here now and again?

Pop out?

Yes, upstairs, the great outside.

See what's happening.

Never!

I've never been out since I arrived.

Oh, really, aren't you the least be curious

about what's happening in the big wide world?

Oh, curious doesn't enter into it.

Besides, they wouldn't allow it.

You know, they say it takes about two years

- to let things cool off. - Two years?

Yes, that's how long we've got to be here.

Mind you, I'm not bothered.

- (chuckles) - (shovels digging)

Now, Miss King, you'll see for yourself

for the last time,

and perhaps you'll understand why I...

don't feel too well.

Man: Cheeky, cheeky.

Now you will watch the old ticker, won't you?

Everything to your liking, Mr. Steed?

Yes. Thank you Mr. Shaw.

Ah, lovely.

That's what we like to see.

(scraping)

(chuckles) Sharpening it.

I always did think

there was something wrong with him, master.

You were absolutely right.

And we can't take any chances Mr. Steed.

- Oh, I appreciate that. - I'm sorry, but rules are rules.

- But of course. - We have to kill you.

But you've already done that!

Oh, naughty, naughty, Mr. Steed!

(gunshots)

Hold it!

Thanks, Tara.

Now she's gone.

(women scream)

Would you care to go first?

Oh, why, certainly.

He's coming round.

Give him a nip of brandy.

All right, Mr. Happychap, sir?

(choked cry)

Steed?

Steed, are you coming?!

No, you go on.

I've got a bit of, uh... mopping up to do.

Mr. Happychap?

Steed is alive and well, but...

But he's staying on in Paradise.

Like it?

Very complicated, isn't it?

Mother: Steed, Tara?

Uh-oh. Bit of a squash.

Mother!

I'd say!

Splendid achievement, Steed, splendid!

Oh, thank you very much.

It's hard to believe you assembled it yourself.

Oh, the instruction booklet is very explicit.

Yes, but a thing like this and in your own backyard.

It must've been expensive.

Oh, I've saved up a bit.

I've always wanted one of these.

Oh, where are you going?

Outside.

Outside?!

Yes. I want to take a snap of it for my album.

Ah.

Where do you light the blue paper?

(chuckles) You don't.

All you do is press that button there.

This one?

Yeah.

(machinery rumbles)

No!

How do you stop it?

Uh... (chuckles)

that part of the kit arrives next week.

Steed!

Mother: Steed! Steed!

I demand that you bring that thing down at once!

Demand? (chuckles)

Can you get us down?

Eventually, yes.

At least I think I can.

Eventually.

There's no hurry.

Is there?

None at all.

They'll be back. You can depend on it.

They're un-chaperoned up there.

(theme music plays)