Original subtitles

(theme music plays)

(engine sputters)

Beautiful gun, Tara.

Tara: It is, isn't it?

My uncle had it made specially.

Then he never used it.

Why not?

Oh, the young man married my cousin of his own free will.

Are you sure you don't want to come sailing with me?

February and the Channel is not my idea of heaven.

No, I'm going to the heart of the country, shooting, fishing,

fine wine, good food, away from it all.

(doorbell rings)

Sergeant Groom, nice to see you, old chap.

You're looking very fit. I don't know how you do it.

The years just don't seem to leave any mark on you.

- Thank you, sir. - Well, isn't that lovely?

- She's a beauty, isn't she? - Yes, sir.

Now be a good chap, will you,

give Sexton and Lomax a hand with the bags?

I don't think we've met before, sir.

- I'm Sergeant Groom. - But of course, you are.

Will you take those, too, Sergeant?

Well, isn't this a charming room.

It's absolutely charming.

And a log fire.

You can keep all your modern heating methods,

nothing compares with an English log fire

for keeping out the chill of February.

- Good morning. - Laura, my dear Laura.

You look absolutely lovely. There's no doubt about it.

The country life suits you. There's no other word for it.

- You look radiant. - Thank you.

Good morning, Mrs. Bassett.

Oh, Groom, put my bag into the blue room, will you.

The others go into the guest room.

Oh, leave the attaché case down here.

- The guest rooms aren't ready. - Don't you worry about that.

Sexton and Lomax are perfectly well house-trained.

They will do all that has to be done.

I didn't like your curtains at all,

but these apples are really lovely.

Of course, you haven't met before.

Circe Bishop, Laura Bassett.

Hello.

Oh, I always use my left hand when I meet people.

It confuses them.

I think the white walls are very nice, though.

Circe works very hard at being a character.

Don't you, Circe, my dear?

Now, why don't you go upstairs and get yourself ready.

Ciao.

Look, this may seem awful,

but I honestly don't remember our meeting.

Well, that's perfectly understandable, my dear.

Don't give it another thought.

- You're friends of my husband? - Where is Bill?

Oh, he won't be long.

It's just that he didn't tell me we were having guests.

There's no reason why he should.

Now what's for lunch?

- To tell you the truth, I am famished. - Laura: Lunch?

Now don't you worry your pretty little head about it.

We'll let Sexton take over the kitchen.

He loves to cook.

It's perfect up there, a lovely view.

- Bill: Laura, darling. - There's Bill.

Oh, good.

Darling, you didn't tell me we're expecting people.

Your friends have been waiting for you.

Sorry. I don't understand.

We haven't met, have we?

No, never.

- But you said... - No, no, my dear. You said.

Who are you?

My name is Fenton Grenville, and you're Bill Bassett.

Well, now we're all here, we might as well begin.

Sexton, would you please lock the door?

Now just a minute. Exactly what's going on?

Now, Bill, be a good chap.

Up to now, everything has been civilized

and quite delightful.

Don't spoil it.

- I'm not gonna have perfect strangers walking into my... - Sergeant Groom.

I'm ready.

Oh, good.

Then let's begin with Sergeant Groom, shall we?

Would you walk over to the table, Sergeant?

Now I don't want you to struggle.

It isn't going to hurt.

Now, don't be heroic, Bill. You're next.

You'll see. It won't hurt at all.

Excuse me.

Please don't struggle.

We'll leave you till last, my dear.

I want you to see this. Circe.

The address where I'm staying.

Oh, thanks.

There's one other thing.

You might like to call in on your way back.

I know they'd love to see you.

Oh, I will.

Right, lights off, windows locked,

pencils, writing paper,

your address.

Thanks.

(rolling tongue)

It's aw...

It's awful coffee. It's not fresh.

You'd think people who lived in a house like this

would at least afford fresh coffee.

I'd like to pilot an airplane.

That's what I'd really like to do.

Just me and all that sky.

I'd fly and fly

and fly and fly.

- It's awful coffee. - It's not fresh.

- Ah, coffee. - It's awful.

- Will you join me? - How long is this going on?

I don't think they want any coffee.

Well, I don't blame them. It's awful.

You could at least tell us the reason for all this.

- Incidentally, Sexton, the veal was superb. - My own recipe.

Oh, it was quite superb.

Sexton is going to open a restaurant of his own one day.

Just a tiny place, no more than 10 tables

for people who really care about food with fresh coffee.

For heaven's sake, what are you trying to do?

Why? What's all this about?

I can't bear raised voices,

and hysteria in a man is very unbecoming.

If you'll excuse me, I must talk with Lomax.

We shan't be watching you all the time,

but, honestly, I do think it would be better

if you didn't try to leave the house.

I want to try something, sir.

Shh.

I'm gonna try and get to the village.

- No, Bill. - Let me do it, sir.

- You stay and look after Mrs. Bassett. - Please don't go, Bill.

- She's right, sir. - All right.

- What'd she do to us? - I don't know.

If they're in the turret room,

they'll see you if you go this way.

My best chance is out through the front.

Yes, but the girl is out there.

If you could get her away from there.

I'd only need a few seconds.

The one in the kitchen, what about him?

Bill: Just hope he stays there for a while.

Laura: I can talk to the girl.

I might even be able to get her out of the hall.

Well, then try it. Use your own judgment, Groom.

I'll keep an eye on the kitchen door, but once you start to go,

- don't stop for anything. - You can depend on that, sir.

I'll be back in 20 minutes with all the help we need.

I'm going to tell on you.

What will you give me if I don't?

Now, Groom, now!

They've locked it.

The other key. Quick.

This should prove an interesting object lesson.

Oh, and please let Circe go.

Bill: You can't stop him now. He's got away.

Go out and get him, will you?

I imagine he's somewhere between the gate and the shrubbery.

May I have the key, please, Mrs. Bassett?

I think this hallway is terribly attractive,

but then you were an interior designer, weren't you, Laura?

I still don't like the curtains.

Don't you understand, Grenville, Groom's got away.

Those two haven't a hope of catching him.

Whatever it was you wanted to do won't work now.

Groom will be back with help.

I need to get Sexton to make me a sandwich.

Listen, it's over. You're finished.

Now get out of here!

I'm glad it wasn't either of you that made the break.

You're both such delightful people.

However, I trust that you will both learn

from Sergeant Groom's unfortunate demise.

- How did you kill him? - Oh, that's not important.

Now, the important thing is that you're both equally vulnerable.

You live or you die.

It's totally in my hands.

I do want you to understand that.

Good.

Then from this moment on, you will both cooperate fully

and do precisely what you are told.

Now, about a dinner this evening,

what gastronomic delights have you prepared for us, Sexton?

Or perhaps you'd rather surprise us.

February is an awful month for table setting.

No garden flowers.

And I do like flowers on my table.

Have we time for one more sherry before we dress for dinner?

Yes, of course, sir.

Will you join me?

(horn honks)

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas. Hello, Bill. Hello, Laura,

and hello, Wotan.

Compliments of the season.

Just a little something for the tree.

- John. - Laura, good...

- Good to see you again. - Good to see you, John.

And you too, Bill. So we've got other guests.

It's gonna be the greatest Christmas we've ever had.

- John Steed. - Fenton Grenville.

Now what's all this about Christmas?

Bill, you haven't told them about Christmas?

You haven't told them.

To tell you the truth, we'd forgotten.

Forgotten Chris... not to worry. I will explain.

You see, Bill and I, we were taken prisoner in Nanking.

There was no window in the cell. We lost all track of time.

And so we made our own calendar.

Eventually we found we'd celebrated Christmas in February.

So they've been celebrating their own special Christmas

ever since,

only this time, we really had forgotten.

Oh, don't worry about that, Laura.

The main thing is we are all here together.

Now any other guests?

Yes, my two assistants and my niece.

Your niece... well, that makes one, two, three, seven.

Great for party games.

Now, I have the crackers, the party hats,

the lot in the car.

It'll be just like old times.

Then I consider myself fortunate to be able

to join your celebration, Mr. Steed.

We were just about to change for dinner.

Shall we leave the rest of the introductions until then?

I think that's a very good idea.

I'll just collect my things.

Steed: And again, happy Christmas.

Why didn't you tell me?

We'd forgotten. It's true.

All right, all right.

We'll go through with the charade.

We're business associates,

but if he guesses there's anything wrong,

if you even hint at it, you are dead.

You wish to hear it again, Mr. Steed?

No, I don't think so. Let's go ahead.

Very well. Shall I begin?

Scarafino's concerto for percussion and woodwind.

That's very good. That's perfectly right.

Now your turn.

Conducted by...

Hempel Hoffer.

That magic baton. You can't mistake it.

Steed: It's like a saber flashing on a sunny afternoon.

Now it's your turn.

The musicians.

Oh, the Berliner Ensemble.

That's very good.

You're very good, Mr. Grenville.

Recorded where?

Deutsche Records Studio M...

in Hamburg.

There's a very distinctive resonance

to anything recorded before 1959.

Now after that time, it's not as easily identifiable.

You're quite an authority, Mr. Steed.

Oh, just the simple ones. I'll ask you a simple question.

The name... of the percussionist?

- Fritz Reiner? - Oh, hard luck. It was nearly right.

Now, that makes you owe me, 1, 2, 3, 4... 20 guineas.

Now wait a minute.

You haven't named him yourself yet.

Hans Reiner, it's Fritz's brother.

You see, Hans uses drumsticks

that are carved out of ivory.

Fritz's drumsticks are made of whale bone.

That's how you can tell the difference.

Hans Reiner it was.

You have a fine ear, Mr. Steed.

I hope you hang on to it.

Well, thank you.

You did get Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker Suite."

What shall we play now, eh?

If you'll excuse me. I have rather a headache.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, maybe it's the music.

Well, I'd better take Lomax some food,

though I doubt if he'll appreciate it.

That makes four. How about a game of bridge?

No, I don't think so, Steed, it's getting late,

and Bill and I have to go over some very important papers.

I think we should do that now, Bill.

Will you excuse us?

I haven't seen a room clear so quickly since Freddie Furman

took a live skunk into the Turkish baths.

Oh, Bill, the less contact you have with Steed, the better.

Go to your room and stay there.

You've got nice ears, nice hair, too.

Fenton doesn't like you very much.

He's very proud of his esoteric knowledge.

You shouldn't have won that bet.

- I'm a bad loser. - (chuckles)

Do you think I'm pretty? I think I am.

I think I could be very pretty.

Who am I to argue with a lady?

I'm not a lady.

That's why I was expelled from medical school.

It's my name, it affected my whole character.

Ah, the Greek goddess Circe who could turn men

into wild beasts.

(laughs)

Except I can't.

I need to have my nose altered, you know,

then I'll be really pretty.

- It's a very nice nose. - It's all right.

The second one I had was best, though.

I spend all my money on new noses.

Well, everyone should have a hobby.

I spend absolutely every penny I get on new noses.

(clicks tongue)

Every penny.

I need to bed now.

Good night, Mr. Steed.

Good night.

You ought to leave here, Mr. Steed.

Fenton doesn't like you at all.

Are you going to let me operate on him?

- (crying) - (whispering)

Come in.

I'm sorry, I just came in to say good night.

Sorry to have left you, John.

It's been a bit hectic.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Circe is an incredible creature. Kept me very amused.

And Grenville is an interesting chap.

- You known him long? - No.

Yes.

Bill's known him him for some time.

Actually, I've only just met him.

Oh, it's not important but I...

Have you hurt yourself, Bill?

Oh, no. That's just a scratch.

John, I'm afraid our celebration is something

- of a frost this year. - Not at all.

No, no, I'm sorry about it, but uh...

Well, I've got rather a lot of business worries.

I understand that.

I'm going to be tied up in talks tomorrow,

- pretty well all day. - I'll amuse myself.

- It won't be much fun for you. - It will.

I'll take... I'll take my gun. I brought it down with me.

In fact, why doesn't Sergeant Groom...

Now he can come with me.

- Where is he, by the way? - He's not here.

He won't be back for a few days.

Oh, I am sorry 'cause we...

Well, I'll go myself.

Go where, Mr. Steed?

I thought I'd do a little shooting tomorrow.

I want to get my eye in.

We've just been trying to persuade John

to go back to London.

Do you consider yourself a good shot then?

- I'll tell you tomorrow. - We'll see tomorrow.

- But what about our meetings? - Oh, that can wait.

We'll make an early start, shall we, say 6:30?

6:30 is fine. I'll see you then.

Well, good night, Bill.

Good night, Laura.

Is 100 guineas too high for you, Steed?

It's a good round figure.

Then that's the wager,

100 guineas for the first kill of the day.

Good night.

You've discovered my guilty secret, Mr. Steed.

Your guilty secret?

I drink...

at least when the magic of sleep eludes me, I drink.

Was it a brandy you were looking for?

No, but it's a very good idea.

What line are you in, Steed?

Oh, this and that, one thing or another.

I dabble. This seems excellent brandy.

If your palate is as good as your musical ear,

I won't dispute your assessment.

I imagine as you're associated with Bill,

you're probably in the antique business.

Well, like you, I dabble.

I'm sure you underestimate yourself.

Bill tells me that you're an authority on modern art.

Oh, Bill overrates me.

I'd like your opinion very much on a very fine impressionist.

"La Première Sortie" by Monet.

Strange as it may seem, I'm about to buy it.

I'd very much like your professional opinion.

I'd be delighted, but I'm afraid you're mixing

your impressionists, Mr. Steed.

Auguste Renoir painted "La Première Sortie,"

not Monet.

How extraordinarily silly of me. It's

almost as if you were trying to catch me out, Mr. Steed.

Now why should I be trying to do that?

I shall sleep a lot better now.

We must be careful not to wake our hosts.

I didn't think that Laura looked well at all.

- You didn't think so? - No, I didn't think so.

She's probably just tired.

- Have you known them long? - Oh, two years, perhaps.

When they're in Geneva, they both stay at my home.

Oh, good evening, excellent dinner.

I get a lot of calls from the United States.

The time difference means calls in the middle of the night.

Sexton takes them for me.

I feel very secure. A sentry outside my door.

Good night.

Good night.

(door closes)

(grunts)

(gun clicks)

100 guineas, Mr. Steed,

for the man who makes the first kill of the day.

Shall we go?

We'll draw for positions, gentlemen.

- Three. - One.

Oh, that makes you both flank guns

and puts me squarely between you.

Shall we start, gentlemen?

You two can beat for us.

We'll drive across to the high ground

on the north.

Oh, and do stay away from the marshy ground, won't you?

You could get trapped in the mud and disappear.

Without a trace.

Well, our little wager

should be settled quite soon now, Mr. Steed.

One of us has to be wrong.

May the best man win.

Thank you. I intend to.

Good-bye, Mr. Steed.

You'll make no attempt to contact him or reach him

in any way, do you understand?

Woman: And snip, snip.

Stop it! Stop it!

(branches rustle)

John: Move further into the open.

Don't turn round.

Where are you?

In the third bush on the left.

What is it, Bill? What's happening?

I don't know. I don't know anything.

What hold have they got on you?

I can't tell you.

I've got to know if I'm gonna help you.

Bill: You can't help, so just keep out of it, Steed.

I heard them talking.

Whatever it is, it'll be all over by Wednesday,

so please, just keep out of it.

Is it Laura, is that the threat?

Yes. Yes, it's both of us.

Steed, they're going to kill you,

and I can't lift a finger to help you.

If you run now, you might just have a chance.

Talking to yourself, Mr. Bassett?

When I was little,

I used to get the most awful pains in my head.

I used to think how nice it would be

if I could cut a little hole in the temple

and take the hurting part out.

That's why Fenton and I are so much alike.

If anything hurts him or gets in his way,

he just removes it.

Not much moving today, Grenville.

I like Mr. Steed.

He said I was pretty.

Nice man.

Poor Mr. Steed.

- (gunshot) - He's hit!

He's wounded! Come on!

Lomax: Come on! Over here, this way!

Fenton: Over by the marsh.

Lomax: I've hit him. Come on!

He's wounded.

The first kill of the day, gentlemen.

I must insist you have a drink.

I want to make a toast.

How long is this going on?

We should be leaving you shortly.

Our business is nearly completed.

What business?

Ah, suffice it to say that it's work

of truly international importance.

Oh, incidentally, during our stay,

your dealings with tradespeople and callers

will be absolutely normal.

My friends and I are honored guests.

Do you understand?

Good. Then I shall make the toast.

Will you please raise your glasses?

Oh, please.

To the losers of this world, may they always lose.

And I couple this toast with the name of John Steed.

(knocks on door) I brought you some food.

I said I've... oh, forget it.

(doorbell rings)

You answer it.

And remember, completely normal.

(doorbell rings)

- Good evening. - Mrs. Bassett.

- Yes. - I wonder if we might come in for a moment.

- What is it? - Sorry to bother you at this time of night,

- Special Branch. - Police?

In a way, yes.

I'm Norman Clifford. This is Corby Trayner.

- Good evening. - Good evening, sir.

Can I help at all?

Just a routine check, sir.

According to this,

there are three permanent residents here...

Mr. and Mrs. William Bassett and the Sergeant Ronald Groom.

- Is that correct? - Yes, that's right. What's going on?

Anybody else staying at the house at the moment?

Yes, myself and three other friends.

Is there something special happening?

- And your name, sir? - Fenton Grenville.

Clifford: And the names of the other guests.

Circe Bishop, Ernest Lomax and Gilbert Sexton.

Just what is this?

I see. Well, I think that's all.

I'd appreciate it if you'd contact

your local police station if you have any other guests

- or if anything out of the ordinary happens. - Out of the ordinary.

I think we're entitled to know why you're checking on us.

Simply a security matter, sir.

There's a rather important event taking place in the area shortly.

We just want to make sure there's nobody about

who shouldn't be.

Well, thank you for your help.

I hope we don't have to bother you again.

- Mr. Clifford. - Yes, Mrs. Bassett?

I just thought I ought to mention that

one of the names on your list, Sergeant Groom,

will be away for a few days.

Thank you, Mrs. Bassett. Good night.

Well, that was absolutely perfect.

Congratulations.

Now as a matter of fact,

I'd expected a security check earlier than this.

It's my reason for keeping you alive.

- And now it's over? - Well, now that it's over,

I could kill you without a qualm.

I mean, after all, you've fulfilled your purpose.

But I'm a generous man, sentimental even.

You can go on living.

You never know, they might come back.

(doorbell rings)

Bill, go into the dining room.

Don't make any mistakes.

Just get rid of them.

Hello. I'm Tara King.

Where's Steed?

- Such a pity. - Yes.

He had a phone call this morning.

It must have been urgent.

He was packed and gone within the hour.

That's typical of Steed.

A telephone ringing is like a gun going off for him.

We were awfully disappointed he had to leave.

He was a... he is a most fascinating man.

He thought I was pretty.

Well, I suppose I'd better be off.

It's a long drive.

Good-bye, Circe. Lovely to have met you.

- Good-bye, Mr. Grenville. - I'll see you out.

Good-bye.

Well, perhaps we'll meet again.

- I hope so. - Good-bye.

Good-bye.

It was careless of me to leave Steed's umbrella and hat.

But it was even more careless of you to betray

that you'd seen them.

Very careless indeed, Miss King.

There, that should do until we can induce a state

of more permanent cooperation.

These are radio-detonated phosphor bombs,

little triumph of miniaturization.

Circe developed them and the method of using them.

She really is terribly clever.

Yes, I am. I'm terribly clever.

I've got an IQ of... well, I've forgotten,

but it's terribly high.

It's nice to be nearly a genius

when you're as pretty as I am.

Circe, are you ready to operate on Miss King?

It started.

Mr. Grenville, it started!

It started!

I want to see this. Can you manage?

- Of course. - Come on.

Just a few deep breaths of this

and you'll know nothing about anything.

Please, cut the ropes.

What's the matter with you two?

Cut the ropes. Please!

Come on. We've got to get out of here.

- We can't. - Why not?

You might have escaped, Miss King,

but you've almost certainly killed us.

Good. It started.

Get ready.

- Well, what is it? - It wasn't our fault, Grenville.

We could do nothing about it.

Do nothing about what? What are you talking about?

- Please don't do anything. - Miss King has escaped.

Circe is unconscious.

They shouldn't underestimate us like that, should they?

- Tie him up. - His lighter.

- Get his lighter. - Oh, you're wasting your time.

- I haven't got it. - Well, where is it?

Is this what you're looking for?

Checkmate, Miss King.

Fenton: Now throw down the gun, Miss King,

I shall count to three.

One, two...

Do it. Do as he says.

Fenton: Thank you.

Perhaps I haven't made the situation clear.

Circe has inserted two of her little phosphor bombs

into the throats of our friends here.

The bombs are detonated by the lighter.

One flick of the lighter

and your friends are dead, Miss King.

And now if you will kindly untie my hands.

You see, Miss King, I could not allow you

to come between me and the job I came here to do.

Tara: Which is?

I intend to assassinate the foreign ministers

of several countries.

They're meeting at Critchley Manor.

Bill: That's all of 8 miles from here.

It's 7 miles, 800 yards,

9 inches to be precise, Bill.

And we need this house for our ultra long-range weapon.

It's the only house in the district

with an unimpeded line of fire.

Sexton, don't touch the lighter.

- Don't touch the lighter. - Steed!

Don't touch the lighter!

Oh, Grenville, the ultra long-range weapon,

where is it?

It's in the turret room.

Steed: Hold on to it.

- Coming? - Yes, sir.

It's beautiful, beautiful,

just as if I was right there in the room with them.

Do you want to see?

Wonderful view.

- Well. - Well.

How did you enjoy your stay in the country?

I should have stayed in town.

That's the trouble with the country,

nothing ever happens.

Fore!

Ah... bad lie.

We'll have a... number eight.

- What are you doing? - Out of the way, please.

You'll ruin my shot.

This is...

(clicks tongue)

Steed, do you feel all right?

- Never felt better. - Good.

The open air, challenge, mind moving that carpet?

Coordination, mind and body.

Tara, excuse me. This is a very difficult shot.

What are you playing?

Invisible golf.

Invisible golf.

Much harder than the real thing.

Needs enormous concentration.

There you see now?

Steed, I've never played invisible golf.

Do you think I could have a try?

But, of course, you can.

There's the ball.

I'll find you a club.

Oh, I've got one.

Well, nice loose stance,

eye on the ball, eye on the fairway,

but not at the same time, and hit it.

Whoops, missed it, bad luck.

Oh, well, better luck next time.

Catch.

I think I'll have a drink at the clubhouse.

Be with you in a moment.

Oh, pity.

You should have used a number two iron...

or four.

(theme music plays)