Original subtitles

(theme music plays)

(telephone rings)

Stuff's here, all right.

Let me know if there's any sign of the opposition.

- Penman! - What?

What is it? Someone coming?

No.

It was nothing.

No one coming. No one.

(gunshot)

Melville!

Why?

Why didn't you warn me?

Seven.

One, two, three, four, five, six... seven.

My game, I think.

Steed, you've just won the last 20 games.

Yes, I have, haven't I?

- It's not that I don't trust you. - Oh, no, of course not.

It's just that I think such good fortune

- ought to be shared. - Of course.

- (telephone rings) - Excuse me.

Yes?

Oh, Mother.

Yes, right away.

Very sorry, I've got to go.

Mother, eh?

Yes, I might have guessed.

- Why is that? - It's Mother's Day.

It's Mother's Day.

(door closes)

- Sorry, full up. - What do you mean full up?

Room for one more?

Could we dispense with the jokes this morning?

- Thank you, Steed. - Ah, Rhonda.

I'll have one of those.

I'm very sorry. Trouble in Botswana?

Trouble in abdomen. Too many oysters.

(telephone rings)

(speaking foreign language)

I'm surrounded by incompetence.

In general or in particular?

Both, that's why I have to involve you

in a case that a child of two

could have sown up in half an hour.

Well, who's the fly in your ointment?

- Melville. - Melville?

I thought he was your... Your blue-eyed boy.

He was.

What happened?

I wish I knew.

Ever since he started work on the Edgefield case,

the whole thing's become a nightmare.

Department's losing agents and I'm losing sleep.

What's the Edgefield case?

Three months ago, Sir Joseph asked us

to compile dossier on Lord Edgefield.

Now, our investigations have confirmed

that he has a long record of extortion and blackmail,

mostly directed against

security and foreign service personnel.

Now, we have a witness prepared to give evidence against him,

but we needed conclusive proof.

And you assigned Melville to get it?

Yes, a straightforward operation,

I should have thought.

But so far, the balance sheet reads.

"Gains... nil. Losses... two men."

Last night, I sent him out again.

And if past experience is anything to go by,

he'll return empty-handed and alone.

He was working with a partner?

- Oh, naturally. - Who?

Penman.

(doorbell ringing continuously)

Penman.

Penman?

Look outside...

in dustbin.

Warn... Steed...

Mother...

Warn them about what?

Melville.

(panting)

Melville traitor.

There's something very odd about this case, Steed.

You're taking Melville off it?

- No. - Why not?

I want you to work together, finish the job.

- But at the same time... - Keep an eye on him.

Both eyes, Steed.

(bell dings)

Well, any luck?

- No. - No photographs?

- Nothing. - Notebook?

- Wasn't there. - Where's Penman?

He's gone home.

Is he all right?

As far as I know.

It's a good thing we've still got Plummer.

- Who's Plummer? - The star witness.

It looks as if we're going to have to depend entirely on him.

Sir Joseph's called a meeting this morning

with Lord Edgeworth and Plummer at 11:30

at which the whole case will be reviewed.

The whole case resting at the moment

- on the evidence of one man. - Precisely.

So you'd better get over there and look after him.

His market value's just risen 100%.

- Right. - Oh, and, Steed,

Take Melville with you. He's expecting you both.

- (door buzzer buzzes) - (barks)

(dog barking)

- (door buzzer buzzes) - Plummer! Plummer!

What's happened?

Someone in my kitchen.

Frightened him off.

Disappeared down the fire escape.

Maybe thought you kept your jewelry on ice.

- Anything missing? - Not as far as I can see.

Anything here that shouldn't be here?

- No. - Except this.

What's the matter with it?

Plucky but from the wrong side of the hill.

Thanks.

- Milk, Plummer? - Yes, please.

I gather you've had personal experience

of the way that Edgefield operates.

That's one way of putting it.

He was responsible for my brother's suicide.

Can you prove it?

Jack told me what Edgefield said to him.

And I have his cancelled checks for the year before he died.

- What do they show? - Blackmail.

He paid Edgefield a total of £10,000 over that period.

What department is he working?

Security, missile division.

- And the question is... - What else did he give him?

Makes it even more urgent to get Edgefield behind bars.

Don't worry. Won't be long now.

You're certain the case is now watertight, Steed,

- no loopholes? - Quite certain.

Those checks speak for themselves.

Only if there were no legitimate reason for their payment.

There wasn't... Plummer's brother told him

that Edgefield was blackmailing him.

Good. Good.

That makes it pretty conclusive.

Now, we shall want you to be as specific as possible,

Mr. Plummer, don't leave him room to maneuver.

We want the exact dates.

Oh, he's here already.

I'm making a recording of this historic interview.

- (knock on door) - Come in!

Lord Edgefield, Sir Joseph.

Well, well, well.

The vultures are gathering, it seems.

Good morning, Edgefield.

Mr. Steed.

- Milord. - Melville.

Mr. Plummer I believe you know.

Yes, indeed.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother, Plummer.

- Do sit down. - Thank you.

Before we begin, Sir Joseph,

I should like to make one thing quite clear.

Damages for defamation of character in my case

could be punitive.

Sir, we're aware of that.

However, I am assured that the charges

about to be brought against you can be substantiated.

Mr. Plummer...

I believe you attribute your brother's death

directly to the fact that he was being blackmailed

by Lord Edgefield.

Now, can you prove these allegations?

Mr. Plummer, would you tell us, please,

in your own words, of course,

about the conversation that you overheard

between your brother and Lord Edgefield?

Come on, Plummer, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Seems your little bird is reluctant to sing.

Were you or were you not present during that conversation?

No.

(clears throat) Well, let me rephrase the question.

Have you any reason to believe

that your brother's association with Lord Edgefield

was a contributory factor to his suicide?

This is outrageous.

You're putting words into his mouth.

I am simply repeating what he said in his original statement.

Was Lord Edgefield responsible for your brother's death?

No.

Well, did you not at one time hold such an opinion?

- No. - But only an hour or so ago...

Just a minute, Steed. Just a minute.

Am I to take it then

that you have no charges to bring against Lord Edgefield?

No.

I take it I may go.

Yes.

Good day, gentlemen.

Thank you, Mr. Plummer, you may go, too.

Thank you, sir.

Spring cleaning?

You've got a visitor.

Anyone I know?

I'm afraid so. Penman.

When did he arrive?

Soon after you left.

Did he say anything?

He told me to look in the dustbins.

Which you've been doing.

What for?

That, I suppose.

Interesting.

He said something else.

He said I should warn you and Mother.

What about?

- That Melville is a traitor. - He needn't have bothered.

- Why? - It's self-evident.

Melville said they didn't get the films.

Yet here they are.

Well, this is an unexpected development.

- Underexposed? - There are two possibilities.

Either he genuinely didn't know that Penman got the photographs...

Or it's a deliberate lie

to turn the Edgefield interview into a fiasco.

We have to know which. There's only way to be sure.

- I want you to... - You want me to partner Melville in an assignment.

At the same time, you should find out what he's up to.

Kill two birds... with one stone.

Wrong number.

It says request stop. We're refusing your request.

This is asking for trouble, Mother.

We have to be certain.

The security of the department's is at stake.

- And Steed's life. - He'll be all right.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Not against a knife in the back.

- There must be another way. - Can you think of one?

- No. - Exactly.

Well, I still think it's an unnecessary risk.

- Take your mind off it. - How?

Pay Plummer a visit.

See if you can find out why he changed his testimony.

All right.

- And, Tara? - Yes, Mother?

I shouldn't worry too much about Steed.

He usually knows what he's up to.

(barks)

Very clever.

Seems you're a woman's best friend as well.

(barks)

Now the trouble with you, Suzy, is you're a liar.

No reply.

- (telephone rings) - Yes?

Melville, I'm in. Keep me posted.

Right.

Melville, any sign of Edgefield yet?

No.

(clank, elevator whirs)

Melville, everything still clear?

Yes.

(elevator stops, door opens)

- Put this away, Brayshaw. - Very good, sir.

Thank you.

Melville?

Get out.

What did you do that for?

For services not rendered.

What do you mean?

Get up.

Why did you tell me that Edgefield hadn't come back

when you knew perfectly well that he had?

I didn't.

I asked you if there was any sign of him.

- You said no. - I said yes.

You've been doing this for some time, haven't you?

What?

You've been feeding false information to your partners.

I have never given them false information in my life.

Three of them are dead.

They're not.

Get back in the car.

Where are we going?

- To headquarters. - Why?

To make a little test.

No need to be nervous, Mr. Melville.

A lie detector test is mainly for the purpose

of exonerating innocent people.

Let's get on with it, then.

Right.

Mother?

Were you telling the truth when you said that you

and Penman failed to get the photographs?

Yes.

Were you telling the truth when you said

that Penman wasn't hurt?

Yes.

Have you been feeding false information

to your fellow agents?

No.

Well?

All those answers were true.

Are you sure you haven't got your wires crossed?

Beg your pardon, Mr. Steed?

- It is plugged in, isn't it? - Naturally.

Melville, did you deliberately give false information to Steed

whilst he was at Lord Edgefield's apartment?

Of course not.

True.

Untrue.

Mr. Steed, this machine is infallible.

It's never made a mistake.

Well, there's always a first time.

It is human.

Let us try a more direct approach, Steed.

Check the basic facts.

Right. Melville?

Yes?

Did you and I work together today?

- No. - Well?

According to the machine, that was true.

As you suspected.

It seems that we've found our problem.

But not solved it.

Problem?

(door opens)

Ah, the mountain comes to Mohammed.

- I beg your pardon? - Merely a figure of speech.

I take it you have something for me?

- Yes. - 5,000?

You're at liberty to count it.

I trust you.

Noblesse oblige and all that.

It worked like a dream.

Good.

Always happy to give satisfaction.

- But it's not enough. - Well, of course not,

That's why we've arranged a regular delivery.

I mean, this will only give me a temporary breathing space.

It won't be long before they come up with someone else

to testify against me.

Well, we can't deliver all over London, you know.

I'm well aware of that.

Then what else do you suggest?

That we stop attacking the body and concentrate on the head.

I see. Sir Joseph...

That would be very expensive in view of the risk involved.

How much?

Another 10,000.

Very well, but you'll have to hurry.

There isn't much time.

Special delivery, Lane.

Sir Joseph Tarlton. Two pints, please.

Yes, sir.

(knock on door)

Come in.

Mr. Steed, sir.

Ah.

I'm sorry to disturb you, Sir Joseph.

Oh, that's all right, Steed. What's on your mind?

- These. - What are they?

Edgefield's records of payments received and from whom.

Hmm, manna from heaven, eh?

Well, heaven helps those who help themselves.

Yeah, precisely.

Amanda? Would you come here for a moment, please?

Yes, sir.

Of course, you realize that if none

of these men testify, we're back where we started.

- We've got nothing to lose. - Quite.

Amanda, I want the telephone numbers

of all the people on this list, please.

Yes, Sir Joseph.

Well, make yourself at home, Steed.

This looks like being a long job.

No luck?

Closed up like an oyster.

How many left?

Three.

Mr. Nesbitt?

This is Joseph Tarlton.

Two months ago, you made a very large payment

to Lord Edgefield.

May I ask what that payment was for?

I see, well, in that case,

would you care to come around and see me?

Immediately.

Thank you.

Someone willing to testify?

We've got a bite.

Plummer was willing to testify.

Quite.

Well, this time, nothing must go wrong.

I was going to come and see you anyway, Sir Joseph.

Yes, well, you should have come to see me

as soon as Lord Edgefield approached you.

- Please sit down. - I realize that now.

It was just that he threatened to...

make public a past indiscretion.

Well, I'm not interested in your private life, Mr. Nesbitt.

I'm interested in whether you're willing

to give us a sworn statement.

Yes, yes, I am.

Good. Do please sit down.

I suggest we go over the details before Lord Edgefield arrives.

- Would you like a coffee? - Thank you.

- Steed? - Please.

Amanda, coffee for three, please.

Yes, sir.

Worried about lack of vitamins?

Yes, well, I'm just wasting away.

Then we must bring the roses back to your cheeks, mustn't we?

Hey...

Hey!

Did she get away?

Yeah, but I shouldn't worry too much if I were you.

Why not?

She must have swallowed at least half a pint.

I said immediately, Lord Edgefield.

We now have a witness who's impervious to your threats.

- He's coming straight round. - Good.

Well, should be plain sailing now.

Should be.

I must confess I'm rather looking forward to this.

(telephone rings)

- Yes? - Sir Joseph!

Oh, yes, Miss King?

This is very unimportant.

Well, don't bother me now then. I'm rather busy.

- I don't want to warn you! - I beg your pardon?

Whatever you do, don't be careful.

Look, you're wasting my time, Miss King.

Sir Joseph?

Miss King.

Most extraordinary.

What did she say?

She didn't say.

Well, now should we have some coffee while we're waiting?

Black or with milk, Mr. Nesbitt?

Come in.

Lord Edgefield.

Sir Joseph, I hope for your sake,

this horse doesn't let you down.

I think you'll find that he's champing at the bit.

He is not under starter's orders yet.

Oh, quite so.

Perhaps you would care to reaffirm

your intention to testify, Mr. Nesbitt.

Nesbitt: Certainly.

Do please begin.

Lord Edgefield first came to my office on the 9th of May.

He told me that unless I put certain documents

at his disposal, he would reveal a past indiscretion

to the appropriate authorities.

- And you gave him those documents? - Yes.

And since that time, under the same threat,

I've paid him a sum of money regularly every month.

Steed: How much did that amount to in all?

Nesbitt: Approximately £5,000.

That tallies with entries in Edgefield's notebook.

Guilty or not guilty, Sir Joseph?

Not guilty.

This is conclusive proof.

I disagree. It's completely inconclusive.

Sir Joseph, we've got him where we want him.

I repeat, this evidence proves nothing.

Don't you want to obtain a conviction?

No.

Lord Edgefield is the most incorrupt,

irreproachable man in the country,

an idealist, a philanthropist,

a paragon of virtue!

Then I take it the interview is over.

Of course.

Good day, gentlemen.

(King gargling)

Return of the prodigal.

No!

Well, return of the thrifty.

No.

Why the enigmatic phone call?

I phoned no one.

You called Sir Joseph! I was there.

No!

Where did you go?

Steed, I...

Tara King has gone to visit Steed, sir.

Don't worry, she can't do much harm.

But just to be on the safe side...

Sir?

Deliver Steed two pints.

Right away, sir.

The milk float, does that mean something to you?

No!

- What's the matter? - Nothing!

Now look here, now what does the milk float mean to you?

Nothing.

- Was it the man driving it? - Nothing.

- Well, have you ever seen him before? - No!

Then why did you behave in that extraordinary manner?

"The milk is harmless"?

(doorbell rings)

Melville, just the man.

Just the man to what?

Illuminate my darkness.

Steed, Penman's dead.

I know.

Why?

I gave him plenty of warning.

Are you sure?

What do you mean?

And you saw someone coming to the garage

- when Penman was there. - Yes, the chauffeur.

And you warned Penman immediately?

Of course.

You don't think I'm responsible for his death.

Tell me something, Melville.

What?

Do you take milk in your coffee?

Yes, usually.

In the future, take it black.

Well!

If it isn't Miss King again.

Analyze it?

What on earth do you expect to find in it?

- The key. - To what?

Three deaths.

Well, it looks perfectly harmless to me.

That's the whole idea.

Gould?

(whistles sharply)

Yes, Mother?

Have this analyzed.

I want the report in half an hour.

- Yes, Mother. - Three deaths, you say?

So far.

And what do you mean by that?

We'll be lucky if we don't get a fourth.

You see, I'm not alone.

I have the whole place surrounded.

My dear, Miss King, you have such appealing eyes.

If I didn't know you'd drunk our special milk,

I'd almost be inclined to believe you.

(whistles sharply)

Check the door.

Nothing.

Butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, Miss King.

Or would it?

- Sloman. - Yeah?

Put her in the butter machine.

The analysis report doesn't tell us very much.

Colorless liquid extracted from milk

in some form of hallucinatory drug,

defying analysis.

Hallucinatory drug.

Suppose...

It had the effect of inverting the truth?

Mm-hmm.

Nesbitt and I had black coffee, Sir Joseph, white.

And Plummer?

He drank his while he was shaving.

Changed his testimony.

And Tara tried to warn Sir Joseph.

But she couldn't.

So she warned me.

DreemyKreem Dairies.

What on earth is that?

That was the name on the milk float.

Tara must have gone there.

Then I suggest you do the same.

Milk. Ooh.

Comfortable?

Have you got anything without air conditioning?

I shouldn't worry too much.

You'll be cooling off in a moment.

Oh, well, I sent for Steed. He should be here soon.

I'm afraid I don't believe you, Miss King.

Why?

For the simple reason that you were unable to tell him.

- The lie drug saw to that. - Lie drug?

A little invention of my own.

It neutralizes the faculty that distinguishes

the true from the false.

And as you may already have guessed...

It's not in the milk.

That's right, it's in the milk.

Simple but effective, don't you think?

- No. - A distillation designed to eliminate

the George Washington syndrome.

I don't see!

I thought you would.

So I'm afraid it's highly unlikely

that Steed will be coming to your rescue.

(squealing)

Of course, now that Lord Edgefield's affairs

are so happily resolved,

we shall move on to higher things.

I need hardly point out the chaos my drug would cause

if one or two key members of a national security system

were to take it.

Complete organization.

Such a weapon would be worth a great deal of money,

- don't you think? - No.

I knew you'd agree with me.

You'll appreciate we can't allow anyone

to stand in our way now, Miss King.

So I've devised a rather unusual death for you.

Thank you!

Sykes!

Sykes! Ah!

I thought we'd have a little celebration.

Splendid idea!

All go according to plan?

Like clockwork. My worries are over.

So are ours.

Let's drink to a trouble-free future.

To a successful association.

To a formidable partnership.

The first of many.

Cheers.

- Cold enough? - Very refreshing.

Any chance of buying some shares in your enterprise?

I'm afraid not. We're a limited company.

Pity.

I've accumulated a lot of capital in the last few years,

and this seems like an ideal home for it.

We're no shortage of capital, I assure you.

And when our foreign branches are fully operative,

we shall have an organization of unparalleled resources.

The envy of the commercial world.

And the scourge of the rest of it.

And all because of a colorless liquid.

Just think of the unsuspecting fools waiting to lap it up.

Perhaps Lord Edgefield would like to see our milkmaid.

Your what?

Drink up and come with me.

I'll show you how we deal with company spies.

Sounds most intriguing.

Poetic justice, don't you think?

A triumph of ingenuity. I congratulate you.

That cream could curdle.

Never count your chickens before they... hatch!

This is where your chickens come on to roost, Mr. Steed.

I hope you like our little coop.

It's a great coop.

Aren't we mixing our metaphors?

Hardly worth the trip, was it?

Especially as Miss King doesn't wish to be rescued,

- do you, Miss King? - No!

There you are, you see?

Damsel seems to revel in her distress.

Sloman?

Yeah.

Any sign of Steed?

Yes, he's over there.

What do you mean over there?

I'm over there.

No, you're not. I am.

- Sloman? - What?

You're not lying.

Nor you.

Steed.

He didn't doctor our drinks.

I can see him, can't you?

Yes, he mustn't be behind the machine.

Yes, I haven't looked there.

He mustn't be by the milk vat.

Yes, I'm not over there now.

Well, where isn't he?

I'm not right behind you!

Hmm, salted.

Steed?

I really do hate you.

Steed?

What are you doing?

My great Aunt Emily.

She used to save up silver paper.

Ended up with five tons of the stuff.

That was before she went off with a scrap metal dealer,

the one with the big mustache.

Is there a point to this story?

There is a moral... Waste not, want not.

All this butter, seemed a pity to waste it.

What then? An endless picnic?

Sandwiches.

What, now? What about the celebration?

- Celebration? - You haven't forgotten.

- Yes. - You said you'd take me out to dinner.

- No. - Oh, you promised!

Never.

I've even bought a new outfit especially.

- You didn't. - I did!

I say, do you like it?

No.

What?!

Well, what's wrong with it?

Everything.

Everything about it is delightful.

I cannot tell a lie. The table is booked.

The carriage awaits. And you look ravishing.

And this?

Oh, that?

That's for itinerant cats.

(theme music plays)