Original subtitles

[sighs] Sophia.

I wish Mr. Fix-It would finish fixing that dishwasher.

The dishes are piling up like crazy.

Blanche, we could wash them.

Before dishwashers, people didn't just eat and wipe the dishes on their pants.

I used to love washing dishes.

In Minnesota, the whole family would get together and wash dishes.

Even Uncle Gustaf, after the giant Swiss army knife accident,

learned to dry dishes with his feet.

We used to laugh and have such a happy time.

What is it with you? You only had happy times?

It's sickening. Happy times freezing in the cold,

happy times during a locust invasion, happy times eating reindeer.

Death? Did you have happy times then?

Well, yes, actually, we did.

We could get together and remember other happy times.

She's beginning to get to me.

Ma.

In Sicily, we washed our dishes in the river.

- [doorbell] - I hope that's Mr. Fix-It.

We used to beat them against the rocks.

No, Sophia. You beat the clothes on the rocks, not the dishes.

No wonder they broke.

Okay, who wants to go shopping?

It's early for that, Renee.

Then we'll eat. Shopping or eating. Take your pick.

- You didn't talk to him. - I couldn't.

George was on call all weekend.

Three heart attacks, a stroke,

two aneurysms and a spastic colon.

Sounds like a guy I play checkers with.

- Hi, Renee. - Hi, Rose.

- You'll talk to him tonight? - I will try.

Renee.

It's crazy, but how can I bother him?

He's doing all this important stuff. Saving lives.

I'm gonna bother him because I'm unhappy?

Renee, Jenny just left for college.

All your kids are gone.

This is a perfectly legitimate problem.

Empty-nest syndrome. When I had it, I didn't know it. I was depressed.

When I figured it out, I was gonna tell Charlie, but he died that night.

I was so full of grief, I forgot to be depressed about the empty nest.

I never had that empty-nest depression.

I couldn't wait for my kids to go.

I got depressed watching them grow older 'cause it meant I was older.

They were like noisy little calendars.

The minute they entered high school,

I told everybody they were my husband's from a previous marriage.

And you wonder why they're in therapy.

Maybe I should go into therapy.

At 2am, waiting for George to come home,

I called a radio talk show with a solution to the Middle East crisis.

Giving the Palestinians Greenland?

You heard it?

I didn't know that was you. You were great.

Giving the Palestinians Greenland?

It's a big place. Nobody uses it.

You'd take desert people and put them in ice and snow?

With the proper clothes, they'll be fine.

Renee, listen, you wanna talk, don't call a talk show. Talk to your husband.

Blanche, at the hospital they call him St. George.

I'm married to a saint and I tell him to work less, I'm Ionely?

Don't you think St. Francis of Assisi's wife had a similar problem?

Don't you think she said, "Frank, enough donkeys"?

So what, I ask George to cut back on his practice?

Don't do that.

- I can't go to another doctor. - See?

George is the only man to ever see me naked.

Get outta here.

Well, except for Charlie, of course.

- Get outta here. - And the vet.

The vet?

Our prize hen, Henrietta, had some kind of a chicken disease or something.

I don't exactly know what it was.

Chickenpox.

No, I don't think so.

I had an earache, so he saw us both at the same time.

- For that you got naked? - I thought it was strange, too.

You know, Dorothy, you're right. I've got to talk to George.

- Good girl. - I'll go home and tell him.

I'll cook breakfast for him. He loves waffles.

No, I'll tell him at dinner.

Dinner's better. He won't be rushing.

I'll make something great. I'll tell him in bed.

- Bed's better. - It always works.

Asleep. I'll tell him when he's sleeping.

Renee!

I sound like a wimp. I can't possibly tell him.

If I can talk about my stool sample, you can say you're Ionely.

Leonard, help me out here. Where on that diet I gave you

does it say creamed chipped beef and Polish sausage are okay to eat?

Leonard, you're 5'6", you weigh 300Ibs.

What do you mean you can carry it?

Bekins couldn't carry it.

Make an appointment for tomorrow. We'll talk about it. Right.

- [knock at door] - Goodbye, Leonard.

Chuck.

I'm a multiple personality. How do you know which of me I am?

Because Mr. Fix-It and Boris use a key.

Ah.

We all live in one body. Why don't they let me use the key?

Isn't there medication at the home?

No, doctor says I don't need it anymore.

It doesn't stop the personalities. It just relieves anxiety.

I'm not anxious. I make other people anxious.

- Hi, Chuckie. - Hi, sis.

- You're over here early. - I'm looking for an apartment.

Doctor says I can get my own place.

- Oh! - Who can afford three bedrooms?

Can I go upstairs and see the dog?

Sure. Go ahead.

Renee, we don't have a dog.

If he thinks we do, who am I to stop him?

Maybe we have one. Maybe he sees things we don't have the power to see.

I read that. People with mental illnesses are the chosen.

Who chooses them - Shirley MacLaine?

- George, we gotta have a talk. - Okay.

- We have marital problems. - [phone rings]

Excuse me, honey.

Hello? Yeah.

Hello, Mr. Schecter.

Oh, that is good news. Great news.

I'm very happy for you.

Congratulations. Goodbye, Mr. Schecter.

Mr. Schecter peed.

Oh.

He's 97.

We're both very relieved.

- A catheter's no fun. - So, what do you think?

I'd be thrilled to pee at his age.

- [doorbell] - What about our marriage?

- I'm worried about us. - What? We're great.

I don't think we're great.

- Hi, Rose, Sophia. - Hi. Come on in. Sit down.

We're sorry to barge in. Is Mr. Fix-It here?

- Chuck is here. - [tuts] Oh, darn.

Could he change into Mr. Fix-It?

It's a mental illness, Rose, not a masquerade party.

A guy in Sicily had a multiple personality. They didn't get along.

One personality put out a contract on the other.

He had a shoot-out with himself in the piazza.

He winged a priest, a waiter and shot down the Cinzano sign.

He was able to beat himself senseless before anyone else got hurt.

I rewired your phone. You can call all over the world for free.

Except for Albania and North Korea.

And you can use your TV remote to flush the toilet.

I'm going to the freeway, see if any cars need help.

This guy knocks me out.

Chuck, could you finish our dishwasher first?

I'm not Chuck, I'm Mr. Fix-It.

Here to please. No problem too big or too small.

This is great. It's better than vaudeville.

I'm all ears, ladies. Lead me to the trouble.

There's nothing I can't fix. Except this noggin. That could use rewiring.

- Let's go. - Come on, Sophia.

We don't want to lose him.

- I'd better get to the office. - We're not done.

- Couldn't it wait? - No, it cannot wait.

The kids are gone, you're never here. I have nothing to do anymore.

- What do your friends do? - Shop, lunch.

Some play golf, some have affairs.

- Which ones are having affairs? - I don't know.

Come on, I'll never tell.

The ones who are happy for no reason.

- George, my life is empty. - Why don't you get a job?

I thought of that. I could go back to show business.

Renee, you were the legs in the dancing cigarette box.

Everybody loved me. I brought joy to people.

You sold cigarettes. You brought cancer to people.

No matter what you think, I'll try to get work in the entertainment business.

But that's just my part. You've got a part, too.

- You've got to be here more. - You never complained before.

The kids were here. I didn't notice.

But, George, time is important now.

With them gone, we're supposed to be together in a new way.

It was on a coffee commercial. I think Taster's Choice.

This couple - we're supposed to be like that.

- Like what? - Like this couple.

They're there, just the two of them,

sipping coffee together,

for as long as they have left.

Must be one hell of a cup of coffee.

I'm in real trouble here, George.

- Our marriage is in trouble. - [phone rings]

Excuse me, honey.

Hello.

Yeah. Describe the pain.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, meet in my office. Yes, right now.

- I gotta go. - [both] I got a sick person.

See you later. I love you.

I love you, too.

Come on, a movie will cheer you up.

- What are you seeing? - Nightmare On Elm Street 4.

Do you have to see the others?

No, Rose, it stands alone.

- Hi, everybody. - Jenny!

Jenny, what are you doing home from school?

- You're sick? You're pregnant? - I quit.

- Thank God. - I thought you'd be mad.

I am. I'm also glad you're not pregnant.

Honey, why did you quit?

I went to be with my boyfriend,

but he was practically living with somebody else.

- He'd replaced me. - With what?

A hand puppet, Rose.

Honey, I am so sorry.

You shouldn't have gone to Columbia University.

It's in New York City, for heaven's sake.

A subway runs right through it.

You want to go where there are green lawns and willow trees

and young men in chinos and ties

and professors with just a touch of gray at the temple.

Wise, learned men who look up your skirt if you're in the first row.

Meetings with them so they can explain Plato.

And they lean over your books with you

and you can smell their pipe tobacco

and their maleness.

Then their arm accidentally brushes against your bosoms

and the room is filled with the heat of a taboo lust.

Where is this school?

Jenny, what happened?

- He met a thin, blonde goddess. - Uh-huh.

One of those girls who has everything, you know.

Looks, money, brains, a body, and now my boyfriend.

Honey, I've been in that position more than once.

You've been in every position more than once.

- My position? - Oh, goodness, no.

The goddess' position.

We have our problems, too.

Especially when the goddess is now twice the size.

Honey, I know what you're feeling. Everyone's been rejected.

And, honey, the loss of your first love is the worst, the very worst.

I know. I remember mine.

It was probably a cow.

How on earth did you know that, Sophia?

Wild guess.

Mine was Larry Raganetti.

Oh, how I loved him. He was gorgeous.

He left me for Cookie Kelly.

She kissed with her mouth open.

Why not kiss with your mouth open?

I was eight.

So?

It's happened to all of us, sweetheart. We've all survived.

- Never happened to me. - Oh, come on.

You were never rejected?

- Well, once. But just once. - By who?

Weight Watchers for being too thin.

Come on, girls.

- Thanks for coming over. - Bye, honey.

[all chat at once]

- Hi, George. - Hello.

- Bye, George. - Hi, George.

- Sophia. - Hi, George. Bye, George.

Hi, honey. Sweetheart! Oh!

- What are you doing home? - She's not sick or pregnant.

- Is it Thanksgiving already? - Dennis dumped me.

Oh. Sugar, I'm so sorry.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better.

- What if I said I hated him? - Oh, Daddy.

I know how much it hurts, darling.

But you know, I've been rejected many times. So has your daddy.

I can't go back. I can't. I just can't.

What if I run into them? I'll die of embarrassment.

No, you won't. I'm a doctor

and I've never seen anyone die of embarrassment.

If it'll make it easier, I'll go with you and help get you settled.

- Will you? - Absolutely.

- Hi, everybody. - Hi, Oliver.

You wanna know who I spent the night with?

- No, Oliver. - The cabin crew of Lufthansa.

- I have to go? - You're 18.

You don't have to. We won't force you.

We'll cut you off without a dime and never talk to you again.

- So you strongly recommend. - Yes.

Okay.

- I owe you a beer. - I'll make some calls

- and see some friends. - Where are you going?

- Back to school. - Flying?

- Yeah. - You'd be safer hitching.

- Oliver, don't start. - I'm a test pilot.

- I know what goes on. - I don't need to hear this.

Or what goes on in the cockpit.

- Hey, come on. - Goodbye, Oliver.

- Bye, Jen. - Poor kid.

- But we did the right thing. - Absolutely.

- You really think so? - I don't know.

George, would you take a look at this?

This is a family discussion, Oliver.

Hey, that's nice. I wish I had a family.

- I think it's skin cancer. - It's not.

We're right. She has to go back.

If she actually dies of embarrassment, I'll never forgive myself.

- So, what is this thing? - A liver spot.

Oh-ho-ho, no.

Oh-ho-ho, God.

- A liver spot? - It's benign.

My father had liver spots. He looked like a Dalmatian.

So, what's this family talk about, guys?

- It's private, Oliver. - Oh, I see.

- So would you please excuse us? - Sure.

Get out of my house!

- Oh, you mean go? - Yes.

- Why didn't you say? Bye, guys. - You know something?

- What's that? - Oliver!

What?

- We were great with Jen. - We were.

We were a team. George, I want us to be a team.

Does that mean we should get uniforms?

Come on, George. It means that we did something together and it felt great.

We've gotta do that without the kids, but you're never here.

- What do you want me to do? - Cut back on your practice.

Do I tell a guy in cardiac arrest, "Sorry, meeting my wife for sushi"?

George, do you know why I'm going to New York with Jenny?

Not just to help her. To be with someone who needs me.

Think about it.

Think about that.

I've got the second half of my life to take care of.

And I don't want to do it alone.

Then Renee calls and says she's got an agent.

- Oh, nice. - Not nice, Oliver.

Within six days she has an agent who'll get her commercials.

Who knows what the hell she'll do?

It'd be funny if she never came back.

This house is so empty without her. I'm Ionely.

That's why I never got married. I didn't want to be Ionely.

And I didn't want somebody else driving my car. You're out of Perrier.

This is what Renee was talking about. She was Ionely.

You're out of beer and peanut butter.

Hell, George, get her back. I'm gonna starve to death.

Oh, Dorothy. What a nice surprise.

For you maybe. George, I wanted to talk.

Do I detect a note of hostility?

A note? How about a symphony?

We thought you might like to join us for dinner.

I get the feeling you might be mad at me. Why?

How about stopping by New Year's Eve with three naked women,

throwing up in the pool, passing out in the punchbowl,

and relieving yourself in the linen closet?

That was six months ago.

George, what do you say?

- We'd really love to have you. - Maybe some other time.

What about forgive and forget, Dot?

I am not "Dot". Goodbye, George.

Goodbye, Dot.

- Where are you going? - New York.

- Great, let's do it. - You're not invited.

- I'm going alone. - Yeah, but we could...

Hi, Ma. Hey, how'd you like to have...

Come on, that was three or four months ago.

[knock at door]

Coming.

Thank God. I was a wreck.

I sat there every night with Oliver, Ionely as hell.

I didn't know what was going on. I thought, "What if I lose her?

What would I do without her?

I want her here with me and I want to be there with her."

So, here I am. And there's going to be some changes. And I love you.

Why the hell are you opening a door without saying, "Who's there?"

I wasn't going to stay here, George.

I missed you. I couldn't stand it.

And I realize I've been going too fast for you.

You can't change overnight.

I'd like to try.

Here's step one. I drew a sketch on the plane.

I've decided to make an office in the house

and move my practice there.

- No? - Yeah.

And I got Maz Lansky to take part of my patient load.

I got him to take it all for three days

while we're here on our second honeymoon.

[tearful] George, I love you.

I love you, too.

But, honey, this isn't our second honeymoon.

It's our third?

- We never had one. - Of course we had one.

George, you were an intern.

Two hours in a hospital bed next to a man in a coma isn't a honeymoon.

- I lied. He wasn't in a coma. - Oh!

- What if I make it up to you? - How?

Oh, George. What a great three days.

This has been a wonderful honeymoon.

It should be. You waited long enough.

Mm.

You think we'll stay like this always?

I think eventually we'll have to go to the bathroom.

- And you'll love me always? - Always.

Because I won't always look like this.

Honey.

You don't look like you did ten years ago.

Promise me you'll never get your teeth bonded and go with stewardesses.

I promise.

- You swear? - I swear.

[Renee] I love you.

I love you too, sweetheart.

- George. - Hm?

Promise me one more thing.

What?

Promise me you'll never die.