All language subtitles for (indoxxi.net) Ball Of Fire (1941)

(WHISTLING)

Make the same. It's good for you.
Spring air.

The way you're gulping it up,
there won't be enough left to go around.

Isn't it very hot for so early in April,
Dr. Gurkakoff?

I'm not surprised.

This recent bombardment
by ions from the sun.

You see, temperature is due
to the quantity of molecular...

Hey, hey. Stop, stop,

if you don't want me to retaliate

by reciting all the tributary branches
of the Amazon.

Incredible that only last week we were
drawing lots for our hot water bottle.

Observe the forsythia or golden bell.

I never knew it to bloom so early.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

It's 8:46, gentlemen.

Oh, Potts.
Just once more around the park.

Before we go back to our mausoleum.

I saw a scarlet tanager

which must have flown
all the way from Florida just to enjoy it.

- 1,500 miles.
- Yes.

Our constitutional
has taken up too much time already.

We're working under pressure.

After nine years of effort we are,
as the race track enthusiast might say,

in the home stretch.

Three more years
and our encyclopedia will be finished.

Let's not bog down
in the middle of the letter "S."

PROFESSOR: All right. All right.
That's done it.

It's now 8:49, gentlemen.
I, for one, am going back to work.

- Teacher's pet!
- Bertram Potts, the incorruptible.

The eternal no-no man.

Back home. Back home.

Oh, well,
it may be raining this afternoon, anyway.

(WHISTLING)

- Good morning, Miss Bragg.
- Good morning, Miss Bragg.

- Good morning, Miss Bragg.
- Good morning, Professor.

- Good morning, Miss Bragg.
- Good morning.

- Good morning, Miss Bragg.
- Good morning, Professor.

Gentlemen, before you get down to work,
I have got something to say.

One of you made off with
a jar of strawberry preserves

from my pantry last night.

I located the empty jar on the shelf behind
The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

That seems to indicate our historian,
Professor Peagram.

I did no such thing, Miss Bragg.

I'm not accusing anybody,

but until it's cleared up, I think
we'll dispense with jam for breakfast.

- Miss Bragg.
- Yes, Professor Oddly.

I am the one.

I was writing about strawberries
when suddenly I got a horrible craving.

A crime confessed is half atoned.

Miss Bragg. Miss Bragg.

I had some material here.
What happened to it?

What happened?

I blushed for my duster
when I did your desk.

You'll find everything
in the middle drawer, face down.

I'm just starting my article on sex,
Miss Bragg. Any objections?

No, I trust you have more control
of yourself than Professor Oddly.

Professor Gurkakoff,
your window shade again.

Yes, Miss Bragg.

It's a crime
to carelessly expose this good carpet.

You've just committed
a more serious crime, Miss Bragg.

You have split an infinitive.

Never "to carelessly expose."
Always "to expose carelessly."

I'm not here to juggle words.

It's my job
to conscientiously see that this house...

You've just split another one, Miss Bragg.

- Professor...
- Oh, oh.

- Here's whatchamacallit.
- Who?

The lawyer for the Foundation.
And Miss Totten's with him.

And this place looking like a flicker's nest.

Yes, we're in for our semi-annual wigging,
I suppose.

- You'd better put your coat on, Potts.
- Why? What...

- Better fix your tie.
- Fix your hair, fix your hair.

Say, what is all this nonsense?

GURKAKOFF: This nonsense is Miss Totten.
JEROME: And will you please smile at her?

Say, this is all very undignified.

- If you think you're being funny, I...
- Shh!

- Morning, gentlemen.
- ALL: Good morning.

Won't you sit here, Miss Totten?

It's a very nice morning, Miss Totten.

Would you like to speak, Miss Totten,
or shall I?

You, please, Mr. Larsen.

I'll make this as brief as possible,
gentlemen.

To date, $283,000 have been expended
in writing this encyclopedia.

You all realize that Miss Totten's father,
the late Daniel S. Totten,

left only a quarter of a million dollars
for this project.

Every additional penny will have to come
from Miss Totten's own pocket.

We would like a frank estimate
of how much longer you will take.

- Maybe three years, maybe four.
- It cannot be. It just cannot be.

Oh, my dear Miss Totten,

you wouldn't discontinue
your father's great gesture

towards human enlightenment?

"Human enlightenment."
What nonsense, Professor Jerome.

Papa had just one reason for ever starting
this unfortunate enterprise.

Vanity.

He broke a blood vessel
because he found his name was omitted

from the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Because 30 pages were devoted
to Thomas Alva Edison,

17 to Alexander Graham Bell,

but not one line to Daniel S. Totten,
the inventor of the electric toaster.

In our encyclopedia,

Mr. Totten shall receive
an appropriate amount of space.

- Oh, yes, yes.
- Yes, of course.

- Three quarters of a page, I should think.
- Three quarters of a page?

- That's all he deserves.
- Is it?

You may go on, Mr. Larsen.

All we ask is
that you bring this thing to a close

somehow or the other.
Get on with it. Slap it together.

Mr. Larsen, may I have a word?

- Hello, Professor Potts.
- Hello, Miss Totten.

Mr. Larsen, you said, "Slap it together."

We're not the slapping together kind.

We have started an encyclopedia,

and we shall finish it
as thoroughly as is humanly possible.

- Another $100,000?
- If necessary, yes.

If our work goes slowly
it's because the world, it goes so fast.

Take Professor Jerome, our geographer.

He has to rewrite all the time.

- And Dr. Magenbruch...
- LARSEN: I'm not interested.

Don't interrupt, Mr. Larsen.

Go on, Professor.

I'm sure it's your wish that this monument

to your father be finished
as nobly as it was begun.

I'm appealing to you, Miss Totten,

to your vision and to your heart.

Maybe I'm a little inarticulate,

but I've always regarded you as a...

Yes, Professor?

Always regarded you as a...

(EX CLAIMING)

Oh, Professor.

- You know what I mean, Miss Totten.
- Yes.

I warn you, Miss Totten,
another four years of this, with...

After all, it was Father's wish.

But, gentlemen, you will hurry
and finish the encyclopedia, won't you?

- We will.
- Yes, yes, indeed.

Last year, when all the other professors
came to my musical,

where were you, Professor Potts?

Sinus. But I shall be there this year.

I shall look forward to seeing you again.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Goodbye, madam.
- Good day.

- Good day.
- Good day.

(MUTTERING EX CITEDLY)

That maneuver down my spine
was very unnecessary.

- Was it, my dear Potts?
- Didn't it work?

MAN: Hi.

I hope you don't mind.
I came through the kitchen.

- POTTS: Who are you?
- I'm the garbage man.

I want to find out something
about Cleopatra.

- Cleopatra?
- Yeah.

This is some kind of a library or school,
isn't it?

Neither, we are writing an encyclopedia.

- Icyclo-what?
- An encyclopedia.

A work which endeavors to compile
and catalog all human knowledge.

Say, that's just what I need.

Young man,
did you come through my kitchen?

- That's right, sister.
- I'm not your sister, and you get out.

- Oh, now...
- Miss Bragg.

Please, Miss Bragg,
we find this intensely interesting.

Go on, please.

You can't tell me
he's not infested with germs.

Then go and get your gas mask.
Now, shoo, scat, skedaddle.

- Please, won't you take a seat?
- Thanks, bo.

I seen all these books
through the window,

and I figured
that maybe you can help me out.

- In what way, young man?
- With this quizzola they got on the radio.

- This what?
- Quizzola?

Korn Krunchies Quiz-Quiz.

Send in 100 box covers,
and you stand to make a little dough.

Well, with my opportunities,
I got about 3,000 box covers together.

Only some of the answers
you have to send in to the questions.

You know, like true or false.

(STUTTERING)
You have those questions here?

Yeah, sure.

Well, that's very interesting.

"Question one. Cleopatra died...

"A. From swallowing a needle.

"B. From snake bite.

"C. From hiccups."

That's my province. I cover history.

The correct answer is "B."

Cleopatra, queen of Egypt,
daughter of Ptolemy XIII, born 69 BC,

killed herself
on the 29th day of August, 30 BC,

by placing an asp to her bosom.

- A what?
- An asp.

A small snake.

Well, patch my pantywaist.

Well, well, next.

"Which way would you say it?

"Two and two is five.

"Two and two are five.

"Two and two makes five."

Professor Potts covers English.

- Did you hear the question, Potts?
- I did.

As the verb
is always governed by the subject,

the correct answer is,
"Two and two are five."

- Potts.
- Oh, no, Potts.

Correct for a grammarian perhaps,
but not for a mathematician.

Two and two are four.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

That's a good one.
Nobody's gonna get that.

Well, I certainly am obliged.

I could use a bundle of scratch right now

on account of I met me a mouse last week.

- Mouse?
- What a pair of gams.

A little in, a little out,
and a little more out...

I am still completely mystified.

Well, with this dish on me hands

and them giving away 25 smackaroos
on that quizzola.

- Smackaroos?
- Smackaroos? What are smackaroos?

- A smackaroo is a...
- No such word exists.

Oh, it don't? A smackaroo is a dollar, pal.

Well, the accepted vulgarism
for a dollar is a buck.

The accepted vulgarism
for a smackaroo is a dollar.

That goes for a banger, a fish,
a buck or a rug.

Well, what about the mouse?

The mouse is the dish.
That's what I need the moolah for.

- Moolah?
- Yeah, the dough.

We'll be stepping. Me and this smooch...
I mean, the dish,

I mean, the mouse. You know,
hit the jiggles for a little rum boogie.

Please, please, not so fast.

Brother, we're going to have
some hoytoytoy.

- Hoytoytoy?
- Hoytoytoy?

Yeah, and if you want that one explained,
you go ask your papas.

(HORN HONKING)

That's Archie. His water's getting hot.

Well, thanks again, gents.

And if you ever want to get into
a contest sometime,

just call on me.

Maybe you've got the brains,
but I got the box covers.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, come again.

Well, kind of a breezy fellow, isn't he?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- He seems a most likeable gentleman.
- Yes.

And I'm an idiot.

- Idiot? Why?
- Why?

Miss Bragg. Miss Bragg!

- What's the matter, Potts?
- Well, what's...

- I'm going out.
- PROFESSORS: Going out?

What's your prognosis
on the weather, Gurkakoff?

- Light showers toward the evening, but...
- Yes, Professor Potts?

Miss Bragg, my hat and my mackintosh.

And put my luncheon sandwich
in the pocket.

- But...
- Immediately.

- Yes, sir.
- What's happened?

What do you mean
you're going out, Potts?

- Where are you going?
- Research.

Research? What research?

- The garbage man. Didn't you hear him?
- Yes.

Well, I didn't quite understand all he said.

Nor did I. And it's catastrophic, gentlemen,
catastrophic.

- Why?
- How so?

I've just finished my article on slang.

Twenty-three pages compiled
from a dozen reference books.

- Eight hundred examples.
- Well?

Everything
from the idiotic combination "absotively"

to the pejorative use of "zigzag."

I traced the evolution of "hunky dory,"

tracked down "skiddo" from "skedaddle."

Eight hundred examples and I may as well
throw it in the waste basket.

- Three weeks' work.
- Potts, you're hysterical.

Outmoded.
Based on reference books 20 years old.

Take "smooch." Take "dish." Take...

- Hoytoytoy?
- Hoytoytoy. Not one of them included.

Living in this house cut off from the world,
I've lost touch.

And it's inexcusable.

That man talked a living language.
I embalmed some dead phrases.

- But where are you going?
- Out to collect new data,

to tap the sources of slang,
the major sources.

The streets. The slums.

- The theatrical and allied professions.
- Oh, now, Potts, don't you think that...

I know it's regrettable,
this loss of time, gentlemen,

but it must be done.

Leave the key under the mat.
I won't be home before 9:00.

Yes, sir.

I'm writing about the planet Saturn.

Do I insist on going to the planet Saturn?

Maybe my data on sex
is a little outdated, too.

Just a moment, please.
Do you mind if I ride along with you?

Hop on, buddy.

Extra! Extra!
Nab Benny the Creep in cement killing!

Read all about it.
Corpse's dogs dunked into cement.

Extra! Extra!

Ice-pick killing!
Link Benny the Creep with Big Tom!

Extra! Extra!

Seek man behind the man
behind the murder ring!

Extra! Extra!

Hey, what are you,
checking up on me or something?

Four words, blitz it, mister.
Blitz it, will you? You give me the mimis.

- "Mimis"?
- Yeah, the screaming mimis.

Extremely picturesque.

Young man,
could I interest you in a research project

in which you could be very helpful?

And what you promoting?
Some kind of reform school?

If you would come to this address
at 9:30 tomorrow morning,

you'd be doing society a definite service.

Who are you anyway? Father Flanagan?

(BIG BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC)

(SINGING DRUM BOOGIE)

Come on, Krup, knock yourself out.

Three, four, five,

six, seven, eight,

nine, ten, eleven,

twelve, thirteen, fourteen.

Yeah!

Young man,
what is the name of that song?

- Boogie.
- What does "boogie" mean?

Are you kidding?

MAN: More! More!
WOMAN: Yeah!

- Okay, what do you want, hep cats?
- More of the same.

- Same thing?
- Yeah.

Okay, we'll mix it up a little.
Come on down, Krup.

You're gonna have to be
awful quiet on this.

I'm gonna need a little help,
okay, squares?

- All right.
- All right.

I want this chair,
and we'll clean off the table.

A little juice down here, junior.

- What's cooking, Sugar?
- Match boogie, Krup. How about it?

Want match boogie? You'll get it.
Where's some matches?

I have some right here.

You two go with me,

and the rest of you take boogie
with you on the orchestra, right?

- Right.
- Okay.

Here we go, Krup, like buster's gang.

Very quiet. One, two.

(SOFTLY SINGING DRUM BOOGIE)

(EVERYONE HUMMING)

Boogie.

Yeah!

Young man,
what is the name of that young lady?

- Sugarpuss O'Shea.
- An astounding specimen.

She jives by night, root, zoot and cute
and solid to boot.

- Are you kidding?
- No.

- Come on, Sugar, quick.
- Yeah, quick is right.

What's the fever?

Listen, Sugie, you gotta take it on the lam.

- Yeah, they're looking for you.
- Who?

- The District Attorney's office.
- Why?

You've got to get dressed and out of here

- before they slap a subpoena on you.
- A subpoena?

Shh! Come on, we'll talk about it
in the dressing room.

Well, why can't you tell me now?

What is all this subpoena business?

On account of
Benny the Creep had an accident.

I never heard of Benny the Creep.
Who's he?

- One of the boys.
- He was on kind of an errand

when he grazed into a police car,
that dope.

And for that I've got to hide out?
That don't make sense, Pastrami.

No, you see,
when the bulls gave Benny a ticket,

they saw Kinnick in the back of the car.

- Dead.
- In the accident?

That's what Benny was trying to tell them.

- Only they saw Kinnick's feet.
- They was in a cake of cement.

Benny was gonna dump him
in the East River.

- That was the errand.
- What is all this? Where do I come...

Wait a second.
Is Joe Lilac mixed up in this?

The DA had him picked up
about a half hour ago.

That's why we're here.
That's why you got to beat it.

- Joe Lilac mixed up in a murder?
- Yeah.

I don't believe it, not for a second.

He was framed, Sugie, honest he was,
may I drop down dead.

- Wasn't he, Asthma?
- And there was them pajamas they found.

- Pajamas?
- Yeah, that's where you come in.

Remember the dozen pink ones
you gave to the boss last Christmas?

Before you knew
that the only color Joe Lilac wears is lilac?

- Yeah.
- So we handed them out to the boys.

And in the suitcase right beside
Benny the Creep when he gets caught

is a pair with that big JL monogram.

SUGARPUSS: Who is it?

I'd like to speak to Miss O'Shea
regarding an investigation I'm conducting.

Okay, we'll take care of it.

Just a minute.

- How do you do, Miss O'Shea?
- Hello.

I hate to intrude like this,
but mine is a very...

Cut the corners. What is it?

Well, this inquiry
is one of considerable importance.

- Stop beating up with the gums.
- What was that?

Get this. I don't know from nothing.

Oh, but you do.
Every word you say proves as much.

- Where's that paper?
- Subpoena?

Suppose you tell the DA
to take a nice running jump for himself?

Bewildering. And you want to tell me
you're not the person I'm looking for?

- Say, how many of you are on this job?
- The entire project? Eight.

Oh. The other seven waiting outside?

Oh, no. They're at home.
Sound asleep I imagine.

- Asleep?
- Yes, they go to bed at 9:00 every night.

Do you mean to tell me
with crime what it is in New York...

Say, are you a bull or aren't you?

Well, if bull is the slang word
for professor, then I'm a bull.

- A professor?
- Of English.

Oh.

I thought
there was some misunderstanding.

Sure was.

You see, I'm conducting an investigation
on current slang.

Would you object
if I used you for observation and study?

- Yeah, I would.
- If I could have your assistance

for just a few days it would be...

Out, out, Professor.

- Then you won't help me?
- No. Out. Shove in your clutch.

"Shove in your clutch."
Exactly the kind of thing I want.

Perhaps if I could come back here again
when you have more time...

Save the gas. I won't be here after tonight.

Well, look,
here's the address of the Foundation

if you should happen
to change your mind by any chance.

- It's my residence, as well.
- Listen, not now.

- Well, I'll just leave it here.
- Okay, scrow, scram, scraw.

The complete conjugation.
All right, I'll scraw.

Stop futzing around.
You haven't got time to get dressed.

- All right. Only I...
- PASTRAMl: We'll go out the window.

I think you're a pair of cracked dice.

- Excuse me.
- Look out, mister.

Good night.

- Miss O'Shea.
- What do you want?

Right there.

Open up. District Attorney's office.

- Where to?
- Just keep cruising, Jack.

- Well?
- How about that warehouse on West 11th?

- No. Too many rats.
- Hey, wait a minute.

- Where are you taking me?
- It's just for the night, Sugarpuss.

We can't take you to your place,
they'll have it covered.

Joe's apartment,
they got sealed up like a can of coffee.

Oh, I see.
Yeah, but you live someplace, don't you?

Yeah, sure and the cops know where.

Yeah, hotel, I thought of a hotel,
but they'll fan every hotel in town.

Well, I could change my name.

Listen, Sugie, why take chances?
It's an awful nice warehouse.

He says rats, big mouth does.
Well, maybe a few little bitty mice.

Uh-uh. That's out.

Tomorrow we'll get hold of a lawyer
and figure out something with more class.

Say, I got an uncle who's an undertaker

and with business like it is,
he's always got an extra slab.

That's fine. That's all I need.
Keep thinking.

Hey, what's this?

"Bertram Potts..."
Oh, that's that professor jerk.

Uh-oh.

I never would have believed it.

But how do you account for the name?

Have I missed anything?

No, I was just about to explain...

- You see, the word "puss" means face.
- Yes.

As for instance, sourpuss, picklepuss.

Sugarpuss implies
a certain sweetness in her appearance.

- Sugar, yes, yes.
- Yes.

Never mind the etymology.

- Was she...
- Was she blonde or brunette?

- Yes, which?
- That, I don't know. I didn't notice.

But her vocabulary,
even in ordinary conversation...

You spoke to her?

- Yes, in her dressing room...
- In her dressing room?

- Backstage?
- Yes.

Unfortunately,
she disclaimed any interest in our project

in words so bizarre
they made my mouth water.

- "Shove in your clutch," for instance.
- Why, it's amazing.

Potts, could you tell us
what was it like backstage?

Very vivacious, I imagine.

And perhaps, ballerinas giggling
up and down iron staircases.

Around and around.

- Possibly wearing tights.
- Tights.

And that ineffable smell of rice powder.

On nude shoulders.

Well.

It's getting a bit late, gentlemen.

Perhaps we had better get to bed.

Someday, I'll tell you my experiences

with a young actress
named Lillian Russell.

Did you know her?

I stood in the snow four hours to get to...

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Is that our doorbell?

But it's 12:25.

It must be the statistics
on San Salvador's saltpeter.

I'll get it.

I asked for it to be sent registered airmail.

Hi-de-ho.

Don't tell me I'm too late for class,
Professor.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Say, what is that?

- Those are my colleagues.
- Oh.

- I apologize for their lack of costume.
- Oh, that's all right, Professor.

And the fact
that I haven't got my tie on and...

Oh, you know,
once I watched my big brother shave.

- Won't you come in?
- Why not?

Frankly, your coming here
was the last thing I expected.

Your "no" was so explicit.

Well, I got thinking it over

and "Foo," I said to myself,
"Who am I to give science the brush?"

- Then I take it you've reconsidered?
- Yeah, that's the big idea.

Well.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Look out.

- Well, that was Professor Oddly.
- Any more of them around?

I hope not.

Say, who decorated this place?

- The mug that shot Lincoln?
- This is our work room.

The living quarters are upstairs.

That's a lot of books. All of them different?

- I trust.
- Uh-huh.

- May I have your coat?
- Yeah, thanks.

Miss O'Shea.

Greek philosophy,
I've got a set like this with a radio inside.

Are you sure you don't want your coat?

No, I'm fine.
Except I've got a run in this stocking.

Well, how do we start, Professor?

You see, this is the first time
anybody moved in on my brain.

Have you got some kind of a machine,

an X-ray or a vacuum cleaner maybe
that sorts out the words you want?

What's your method, Professor?

Well, it's quite simple. If you will be here
tomorrow morning not later than 9:30...

Tomorrow morning?

Why, yes.
I have arranged a round table discussion

with a few people of various backgrounds.

Uh-huh.

You don't think we could sort of
begin the Beguine right now?

Well, it's nearly 1:00, Miss O'Shea.

Oh, foo, Professor,
let's get ourselves a couple of drinks,

light the fire maybe, and you can start
working on me right away.

I wouldn't think of imposing upon you
at this hour.

Listen, I figured on working all night.

Well, any hasty random discussion
would be of no scientific value.

You see, I have to have my notes
thoroughly prepared

- for the seminar tomorrow.
- Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Where do I sleep?

I don't know. Where do you live?

Up on Riverside.
But I'm going to sleep here.

Here?

You don't understand, Miss O'Shea.

We're all bachelors with the exception
of Professor Oddly, who is a widower.

Why, no woman ever...

Even Miss Bragg who takes care
of our needs

goes home every night at 7:30.

If you want me
tomorrow morning at 9:30, you...

Oh, I do, Miss O'Shea.

Even the most free-thinking people
must respect the...

All right, feel that.

Go on. Feel that foot.

Okay, tootsie bell, what do you say?

- It's cold.
- It's cold and it's wet.

Now, come here.

Come here.

Closer.

Closer.

Come on, give.

Hello, kids. Look down my throat.

Go on. Look down.

All right, right down there, look.

I don't know what to look for.

There is possibly a slight rosiness
in the laryngeal region.

Slight rosiness?

It's as red as the Daily Worker
and just as sore.

- Who are you?
- I'm...

Who is he?

This is Dr. Magenbruch,
our physiological expert.

This is Professor Robinson, law.

- Professor Gurkakoff...
- Not so fast. Just let it creep up on me.

I'll get to know them.

Come here, physiology.
For all I know, I've got a fever. Feel.

- It's possible.
- Certainly.

And he wants to throw me out on my tin.

There'll be no 9:30 for me
if you let me go out in the rain now.

Naturally not.

With the streets cold
and the subway hot and full of germs.

I'm a push-over for streptococcus.

- Can I have this now, kid?
- Pardon me.

We'll call you a heated taxi and furnish you
with woolen socks and warm slippers.

- How do you like that?
- Really, I don't understand you, Potts.

- Why take chances?
- With valuable material?

- You must think of your article, Potts.
- See, they get the point.

If I might venture a suggestion,

why couldn't the young lady
sleep in my room?

- What?
- What?

- Well!
- Professor Peagram!

I can bunk in with Professor Robinson.

I sometimes do
when there's an electric storm.

Yes, he's afraid of thunder.

Well, then it's all settled.

Well, I guess I'll turn in.
Can I have my coat?

- Of course.
- Thank you.

- Hi-de-ho, fellows.
- Hi-de-ho.

- I'll show you to my room.
- Yes, we all will go.

I know where my own room is, thank you,

- without any help from you.
- Why shouldn't... Why shouldn't...

I'll find it. Don't bother.
Just rough out the directions.

Top of the stairs
and the third door on the left.

Gentlemen, just a moment, please.

Gentlemen, this is all highly irregular.

What if this should come
to the attention of the Foundation?

And what about Miss Bragg tomorrow?

What are you talking about?
This is research, isn't it?

- Yes.
- Certainly.

Who was that guy learned so much
from watching an apple drop?

Isaac Newton, 1642 to 1727.

- The law of gravity.
- Yeah, that's him.

And I want you to look at me
as another apple, Professor Potts.

Just another apple.

It fits you like a glove,
you admit that, don't you?

I like a little more effect around
the shoulders, sort of a puffed sleeve.

- You know that JL could be Joe Lilac.
- Could be.

- Still claim it isn't yours?
- No, it isn't and never was.

Come on, loosen up, Joe.
It's 5:00 in the morning.

How's about a little Benzedrine?

- Put it on Benny the Creep.
- Sure.

Take off your coat.

I should have brought along my valet.
I'm a sucker for comfort.

Why, don't worry, Joe.
You'll have your comfort.

We'll have platinum bars on your cell,
and we'll heat up a chair for you, special.

Twenty thousand volts.

AC or DC?

- So those are your pajamas, huh?
- Yep.

You always wear them
three sizes too big?

Allows for my chest expansion.
And my fingers get kind of chilly at night.

And the JL?

It stands for jellybean.
It stands for lollipop.

- Take him away.
- Come on.

That's fine. That's great.

You never heard of Benny the Creep.
Benny the Creep never heard of you.

There was no murder.
And there is no murder ring

with you at the control boards
pushing the buttons.

- Good morning, Joe.
- Hiya, McNeary?

Morning, and pardon my glove,
Mr. District Attorney.

Good morning.

- All right, I've got a writ of habeas corpus.
- I've forgotten my reading glasses.

Too bad. Come on, Joe.

May be a couple of days
before I find them.

- I won't stand for my client's...
- It's all right, McNeary.

The man's trying to clean up the city.

Why not give him
all the cooperation we can?

- Does that mean you're going to talk, Joe?
- What about?

Well, I'll make the pajamas talk.

Here's the sales slip for them.

They were bought by Miss O'Shea.
She bought them for you.

Or maybe you never heard of her.
Maybe she isn't your girlfriend.

- Why bring a lady's name into this?
- I'll bring the lady in herself.

Where do we stand with that O'Shea girl?
What?

What about the deputies?

All right, let me talk to Collins himself.

- What about the girl?
- Don't worry.

We've got her in safe deposit temporarily.

- Temporarily is not good enough.
- I've got something figured out.

- Nothing gloomy, I hope.
- Strictly legal.

A wife can't testify against her husband.

- She's not my wife.
- Not yet, she isn't.

But once they let you go,
we'll pull a fastie.

Of all the incompetent...

What sweetheart dreamed up that law?

Don't give me that. You've had six hours.
Tell those guys to get a jump on.

Having some trouble, Mr. DA?

Don't worry, Joe.

And don't underestimate this office
or the State of New York.

I've got some boys
that can find a needle in a haystack.

Why, that's a cinch.

All you have to do is get a horse
to eat the hay and then X-ray the horse.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Okay. Okay.

Hold your horses.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

What time is it?
This is worse than being in the army.

Professor Potts started
the round table discussion 10 minutes ago.

He did? Say, that's divastigating.

- And this came for you.
- Who brought it?

- A couple of persons.
- Any message?

- Well, they spoke very picturesquely.
- Yeah, very.

Yes, they said it's getting hot and hotter

and to stay in the icebox
like a good little salad.

And this is the dressing.

- The salad, huh?
- And we wondered what it meant.

Yes, we did.

I'll tell you, sweetie. I...

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

- Miss Bragg.
- Oh, my goodness.

Sounds like Mother calling.
Kids, you better go.

See you later.

- Gentlemen, where are you, gentlemen?
- We're coming, Miss Bragg, we're coming.

- On our way.
- I would like to talk to you.

I wanted to ask you,

what were all your trousers
doing in my kitchen?

- I wanted mine pressed.
- Well, that accounts for one pair.

- I did, too.
- Mine, too.

Seven pairs, all at once?

What's going on in this house anyway?

No constitutional this morning.
You've hardly touched your breakfast.

Professor Potts in the dining room with
a conglomeration of dubious characters.

You, not at your desks.

- That's right, gentlemen, we have to work.
- Yes, we have to work.

- What were you doing upstairs, anyway?
- We took up a suitcase.

- Suitcase?
- Yes.

- Whose suitcase?
- We're very busy, Miss Bragg.

I said, whose suitcase?

Well, now, Miss Bragg, there is...

- There is someone staying with us.
- Staying with us?

- That's it.
- Who?

Who's staying with us?

What's the matter? Cat got your tongues?

- Who's staying with us?
- (VOICE CRACKING) Well, I...

- Well, I... Oh, dear.
- Professor Potts didn't tell you?

- No, and I want to know.
- Well, under the pressure

- of a very trying assignment...
- Yes?

- He's...
- Go on.

- He's taken a temporary assistant.
- Yes.

- So we're running a hotel now.
- Not exactly.

It seems to me that... Professor Robinson,

- is that one of your socks?
- No, not mine.

I wish that it...

Well, I know Professor Peagram
explains the corset he wears

as due to a floating kidney.

What's the explanation of this?

Say, kids, I'm stuck.
Any of you can jerk a zipper?

A zipper?

Yeah, the darn thing's stuck...

Hello, who are you?

- This is our Miss Bragg.
- Miss... Did you say Bag?

Bragg. How do you do?

Great-o.
Do you know anything about zippers?

- Do you? Do you?
- Well, I...

- Well, do you?
- Do I?

- No, I don't, but Professor Gurkakoff.
- Okay.

- Well, it's purely mechanical.
- But look, you were married.

No, I'm just a botanist.

Look, kids, after all,
you know, this is only a zipper.

- Come on, Gurky.
- Well, I can try.

You know, I had this happen one night
in the middle of my act.

I couldn't get a thing off,
was I embarrassed.

How's chances for a cup of coffee?

- No breakfast after 9:00.
- You see, it's a rule.

Just like my Aunt Beulah that
brought me up, that's why I left home.

- There.
- Oh, swell.

Now where is this little clambake
of Professor Potts'?

- In the dining room, just across the hall.
- In the dining room. See you later, kids.

Don't tell me the jive session
has beat off without baby.

Shut the door please, Miss O'Shea.

You're late.

I won't waste time with introductions.
These are our collaborators.

- Hi, kids.
- Hi.

As I was saying, I've worked out
a series of cross-references

which I believe will be the best approach
to our subject.

Going like gangbusters, isn't he?

Sit down, please.

I don't think
you'll find our venture dull, Miss O'Shea.

The scientific conquest of
an important subject is never dull.

"Slang," as the poet
Carl Sandburg has said,

"is language which takes off its coat,

"spits on its hands and goes to work."

Let us... Let us, too,
then get down to work.

Well, we've accomplished a lot
in the last three days,

and I'm very grateful to all of you.

There's another word
I'd like to take up now.

It's recurred several times
in our discussions,

and its meaning still eludes me.

I think it was Miss O'Shea
who used it yesterday

in reference to the cuffs that I wear.

- The word is "corny."
- Yeah, wouldn't you say they were corny?

- Because of the cornstarch in them?
- Because it's 1941.

- Then corny means old-fashioned.
- Kind of hick, loose-tooth.

Mortimer Snerd.

Oh, gee.

There's other kinds of corn, too.

When you give your girl
your fraternity pin,

well, if she says, "I'll keep it forever,"

- that's corny, too.
- Yeah, or take a joke.

"That's no lady, that's my wife."

Making your baby's shoes into ashtrays.

- That's corn.
- Right off the cob.

Well, let's stick to corn.

Is it synonymous with baloney?

No, it's anything
that gets them in the sticks.

"Long time, no see," that's Indian corn.

Yeah, when a guy comes to see a girl
and says,

"Let's turn off the lights,
it hurts my eyes."

Brother, that's corn.

The implication is
he's trying to pull some hoytoytoy.

- You're catching on, Professor.
- Countrified, old-fashioned, sentimental.

Business kind of peaked, Jack?

Yeah, it takes up a lot of time
being on the faculty.

- I'll buy the heap.
- There's no call for you to do that.

Why not?
I want to line my bureau drawers.

Gee, thanks.

- Back in a second, Professor.
- Oh, yes, all right.

- Miss O'Shea.
- Just a minute.

- Miss O'Shea.
- Yeah?

We saw you pass the library arch,

and we kind of got a little problem
on our hands.

- Would you help us?
- Why, I'd love to.

Oh, good.

You're kind of spruced up today,
aren't you, Professor?

- The spats?
- Yeah.

I ran across them in my bottom drawer.
Why let the moths eat them?

Attaboy. What's your problem, sweetie?

- Well, look.
- Let me start again.

ODDLY: But, Professor,
I'm completely exhausted.

But we've got to get it right.
Now, start with the right foot.

- The left foot.
- The right foot.

Gentlemen, it's the left foot.

- Which foot, please?
- The right foot.

All right, but you're wrong.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three.

But I can't "humph" from here.

We've been working on it
ever since luncheon.

Holy smoke.

- Start again with the left foot, come on.
- The left foot.

One, two, three.

Well, it's the right motion.

- But it doesn't feel right.
- It doesn't look right.

Possibly it isn't right.

There was two "humphs." Humph, humph.

Well, that would make it right.
Humph, humph.

You're wrong, my dear Gurkakoff.

Mathematics can never be wrong.
Look here, I'll show you.

- Stay there, Professor Oddly.
- Show him.

One, two.

Professor Oddly, please stand up.

I beg your pardon.

- One, two, three. Humph, humph.
- Just one.

- The expert is here. We need you.
- What's the trouble?

Well, that dance you showed us last night.

- Yeah?
- Yes, maybe we're not very bright.

Professor Gurkakoff has been trying
to reconstruct it by compound fractions.

- You'd better relax, lover.
- Who, me? Thank you.

I can't find the common denominator
between the steps and the music.

You bet you can't, you're playing
a polka, and I taught you a conga.

How about some light in here? Come on.

Look, kids, this is the tempo.

(SUGARPUSS HUMMING
CONGA TEMPO)

(EVERYONE HUMMING TEMPO)

Got it?

- That's right, hit it.
- Hit what?

That's what I told you.

- One, two, three...
- Attaboy, Gurky! You're wonderful!

Wing it, Professor. Hang on.

Good afternoon.

How do you like the new suit?

What the well-dressed professor will wear.

A young lady chased me all the way up
Fifth Avenue.

Probably to tell you
to take the price tag off.

Did you... Did you get the records?

Well, they were all out of
Beat Me Daddy, Eight to the Bar.

- Oh, dear, oh, dear.
- But I got Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

- and Shoot the Sherbet to Me Herbert.
- Now watch us go.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

The same time tomorrow,
all of you who can.

- Okay, coach, so long.
- Goodbye.

This has given me
a new interest in life, Doc.

Me, too.

I'm gonna use some of those
two-dollar words hollering my papers.

Park Avenue bigamy scandal,
most illuminating, most illuminating!

- So long, Prof.
- And thank you very much.

That's all right.

Excuse me for talking shop,

but your garbage certainly
has cheered up these days.

Flowers, candy boxes, perfume wrappings
and an empty of that sweet French liqueur.

(STUTTERING) Why, that's not our garbage,
I'm sure.

Maybe it wasn't, but it was in your pail.

(DOOR OPENING)

I'm leaving, sister.

(CONGA MUSIC PLAYING)

Miss Bragg.

May I have a word with you,
Professor Potts?

That music, is it coming from next door?

From this door, and that's what
I want to talk to you about.

Either she goes or I go.

- You're speaking of Miss O'Shea?
- I am, Professor Potts.

That is the kind of woman
that makes whole civilizations topple.

It's always been my pride to scrupulously,
untiringly, efficiently...

Now, now, Miss Bragg,
you've split that infinitive three times.

I repeat, either she goes or I go.

I don't like ultimata, Miss Bragg,
but I shall look into the matter.

Don't look into the matter,
look into the library.

(PROFESSOR WHOOPING)

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Hiya, Pottsy, come on, hook on!

I feel so abandoned.

Hey, what's the big idea?

As soon as you gentlemen get your breath,
we had better have a conference.

Will you please leave the room,
Miss O'Shea?

- But we've only just started.
- If you please, Miss O'Shea.

Loose-tooth again.

Now, if you gentlemen will be kind enough

to get together all that you've written
in the last three days...

(TAPPING AT DOOR)

Well, it's about time.

I thought you two had amnesia
and forgot where you parked me.

Hold the phone, Sugie.

Dropping me on the doorstep
like a throwaway for a credit dentist.

- You said it was for one night.
- Sugie, for snap's sake.

You're as hot as a pistol.
The DA's got 100 men on the job.

Why, they're squeezing this town
through a sieve, borough by borough.

You tell her, Pastrami.

They're tailing us, Sugie. Took us
three hours to get here from 48th Street.

Detoured through Jamaica, Long Island
to shake them off.

Okay, you wait here.

I'll get my things together
in two seconds flat.

Hey, wait a minute, Sugie.

- We got a surprise for you.
- You ain't leaving, not right yet.

I'm not? Joe's out, isn't he?

Yeah, but for how long? They're laying
for you so they can get him back.

That's the surprise.

I'm supposed to stay in this old mans'
home till the moths eat holes in me?

Say, when I say a surprise,
I mean a surprise.

Go on, flash it to her.

Put on your sunglasses, Sugie.

- Oh, boy.
- Seven grand boiled into that one, Sugie.

Joe doesn't have to bribe me
just because I do him a little favor.

It's not a bribe, don't take it like that.

Let him try and get it back though.

Say, it's not your size, is it?

It'll do, if I have to whittle down my finger.

Third finger, left hand, Sugie.

- Who do you think you're kidding?
- The future Mrs. Joe Lilac.

- Come again?
- Wedding bells, sweetheart.

Joe and the lawyer have got it
all figured out.

Yeah, a wife can't testify
against husband, see.

Don't put it like that, you dope.

Say, he's been thataway about you
ever since he first picked you out.

Yeah, but it took the DA
to make him pop the question.

He sent you a love message.

He says to tell you he gets more bang
out of you than any dame he ever knew.

And he's the top, Sugie,
do you realize that? He's the top.

Mrs. Joe Lilac.

Third Avenue girl
in the major league at last.

Wait till they find out,
those other dolls in the show.

Watch me break their crockery with this.

Here, here,
the wedding's got to be a fast one, though.

Over in New Jersey someplace.

Now, this is the application for the license,
and you sign right here.

- Will I? You got a pen?
- Yeah.

- Unscrew it for Mrs. Lilac.
- Right here, right here.

You know, I can't make up my mind.

Will I continue my night club career
or bust in on the Helen Hayes racket?

Say, this ought to be signed
before a notary public.

I'm a notary public,
permission expires 1943.

Were those pajamas a good investment.

You'll get the final dope
by tomorrow morning.

Joe will phone around 10:00.

Now, meantime lie low
and stick close to the Ameche.

- Okay, the what?
- The telephone.

- Miss Sugarpuss.
- You'd better duck.

- Okay, 10:00, I'll be waiting.
- Okay, okay.

- Miss Sugarpuss.
- Here I am.

Just getting a little air.

- Miss O'Shea.
- What's buzzing, cousin?

Professor Potts would...

He wishes to speak to you.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Don't worry, kids, cheer up.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

- Shut the door, please.
- Sure.

- Take this chair, please, Miss O'Shea.
- This particular one?

Okay.

- Open your mouth, please.
- Hmm?

Open your mouth. Wider.

Thank you.

- Can I close it now?
- Please do.

- Okay.
- Miss O'Shea.

Yeah?

Circumstances, under, over which
neither of us has the least control,

force me to a step
I am most reluctant to take.

The sky is perfectly clear.
The thermometer stands at 76.

Your throat seems quite normal.
I must ask you to leave.

Leave here? Why?

Miss O'Shea,
I want you to look at our project,

I mean the encyclopedia, as a voyage,

a long, hard, tedious one.

A voyage from "A" to "Z."

Now, when the Foundation
launched our vessel,

it very wisely followed an old rule
of the sea, no women aboard.

It chose a crew of single men
with nothing to distract them

from the course they were to sail.

Say, junior, couldn't stop
walking around a little, could you?

For four days, we have been drifting,
Miss O'Shea.

The needle of the compass
no longer points to the magnetic pole.

It points, if I may say so, to your ankles.

Come now, Admiral,
a bunch of grown men,

they've seen a pair of ankles before.

Not for nine years.

Except for the singularly uninspiring
underpinnings of Miss Bragg.

Now, my colleagues...

If you think I'm bothering them,
I'll sit on my legs.

- And I'll do it in my room or in the kitchen.
- Too late.

- You must leave, Miss O'Shea.
- Well, I can't leave now.

How about that slang?
It's not finished yet.

There's a lot of words
we haven't caught up with.

For instance, do you know what this
means, "I'll get you on the Ameche"?

- No.
- Of course, you don't.

An Ameche is the telephone.

- On account of he invented it.
- Oh, no, he didn't.

- You know, in the movies.
- I see what you mean. Very interesting.

Make no mistake, I shall regret
the absence of your keen mind.

Unfortunately, it is inseparable
from an extremely disturbing body.

(WHISTLING)

All right. I'll go, only don't shove.

- I'll leave sometime tomorrow.
- Not tomorrow. Right away.

- But I tell you I've got a...
- I insist, Miss O'Shea.

Oh, Crabapple Annie.

- Listen, Pottsy...
- Crabapple Annie?

Why, that implies
that I'm puritanical and narrow-minded.

Yeah.

I am a perfectly normal man
with perfectly normal instincts.

- But an awful high boiling point.
- Not even that.

I, too, have been acutely aware
of your presence.

- You have?
- Twice, to be exact.

Once when you leaned over my shoulder

to correct my spelling of
the word "boogie-woogie,"

I could feel your breath on my ear.

And yesterday afternoon when you
happened to stand against the window

with the sunlight in your hair.

- What'd you do about it?
- I left the room,

dipped my handkerchief in cold water

and applied it to the back of
my neck right there,

- where the nerve center is.
- That's cute.

You see, that's the basic difference
between me and the other professors.

We are all beguiled,
but I am relatively young.

I can suppress temptation.

I generate enough energy
to take precautionary measures.

A little sun on my hair
and you had to water your neck.

Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned it,
Miss O'Shea,

but I'm merely trying to point out the fact

that the success of our enterprise
is at stake.

I want you to...

Cooperate.

I want you to leave.

All right, I'll go.

But if I'm going to go anyway,
I guess I might as well spill it.

Spill it? Spill what?

Why do you suppose
I came here in the first place?

To help with the research.

- I did not. I came on account of you.
- Me?

And not on account of
you needed some slang.

On account of
because I wanted to see you again.

Miss O'Shea, the construction
"on account of because"

outrages every grammatical law.

So what? I came on account of
because I couldn't stop thinking about you

after you left my dressing room.

On account of because I thought
you were big and cute and pretty.

- Pretty?
- Yeah, I mean you.

Maybe I'm just crazy, but to me,
you're a regular yum-yum type.

- Yum-yum?
- Yeah, don't you know what that means?

No, we never got to that.

Well, we've got to it now,
and I'm glad it's out.

I don't give a whoop
whether the others went for me.

You're the one I'm wacky about,
just plain wacky.

- Can you understand that?
- Please, Miss O'Shea.

Oh, please, nothing.
Maybe you can generate or whatever it is

for all that suppress business, but...

I can't. No, you're too tall.

- What are you doing?
- You'll find out.

Those are Professor Gurkakoff's
reference books.

- Now, isn't that just too bad!
- And they're very...

- That's perfect.
- What are you going to do?

Come here,
I'm going to show you what yum-yum is.

Here's yum.

Here's the other yum.

And here's yum-yum.

Excuse me.

Hey, where are you going?

Did you see?
He practically stepped on my hand.

- Three steps at a time.
- Shot out of a gun.

- But where is he going?
- Why?

To get a razor strop, I hope,
and I hope he knows where to apply it.

- Well, Professor Potts?
- Yes, Miss Bragg.

Will one of you call a taxi
from the corner for Miss O'Shea?

- Right away.
- Thank you.

- Fine business.
- I beg your pardon?

What's the idea of
running out on me like that?

Nothing, nothing.

The last few minutes
only confirmed my former decision.

Your further presence here would be fatal.

You must get me out of your mind
just as I must get you out of this house.

- Your hair's wet.
- Well, never mind, please.

- Well, it is wet.
- Well, what of it?

Nothing, I just happened to mention it.

- Well, forget it, please.
- Okay, okay.

Now to get back to the subject
under discussion.

It would be idle of me to deny that I, too,
feel the affinity

that you mentioned a few minutes ago,
very strongly.

After three years,
when my work is finished,

perhaps we can take up where we left off.

In the meantime, I hope we can keep up
some sort of correspondence.

- Would you, Miss Sugarpuss?
- Oh, Pottsy.

I know that's the way I feel, too,
but it has to be.

Sugarpuss, before you go, would you...

(POTTS CLEARS THROAT)

Would you

yum me just once more?

- It seems so unnecessary.
- Yes.

- Yes.
- The taxi's here.

I'll tell him.

Professor Potts,
the taxi for that young woman is here.

The taxi.

- Yes, what is it?
- The taxi's here.

Taxi? What taxi?

Miss O'Shea's or mine.

It's all yours, Crabapple Annie.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

What is the delay, young man?
Delivery was promised for 10:00.

Sign here.

- I trust that it's engraved correctly.
- I guess so.

- $39.85, wasn't it?
- Yeah.

Here's $40. Keep the change.

- You're sure the setting is solid gold?
- Why, of course.

There was one $5 cheaper,
but not nearly so handsome.

- Let's see it, Potts.
- Yes, please.

No, no, it's wrapped so neatly, I hate to.

- I'll take it, Miss Bragg.
- Room service.

- Now we've got room service.
- I thought she might like this.

- Thank you.
- It's nothing, really.

Be careful.

If I were the cream
for that woman's coffee, I'd curdle.

I thought you meant to leave us
in protest, Miss Bragg.

- Yes.
- Yes.

A nurse does not quit her post
when an epidemic reaches a crisis.

SUGARPUSS: Come in.

- Morning, Pottsy.
- Good morning. I brought your breakfast.

Good, I'll have it right here
in the snooze stand, thank you.

- How do you take it?
- Just jav, no cow.

- Just what?
- Black.

- Sugar?
- Straight.

- Toast?
- No, thanks.

- You sure you don't want some toast?
- Uh-uh.

Well, here's some jam to go with it.
It's blackberry.

- Never use it.
- Not just one bite?

Mmm-mmm.

Sit down and take a load off your feet.

Say, I found out what's wrong with
"on account of because."

It's saying the same thing twice,

you know, like calling somebody
a rich millionaire.

You call it a pleo...
No, wait a minute, a plea...

- A pleonasm?
- Yes, that how you pronounce it? That's it.

- Who told you that?
- This room's full of books about grammar.

I read for a couple of hours.

I couldn't sleep, either.

I walked in the park till the sun
came up over the East Sixties.

It took me all that time
to gather my thoughts,

to analyze my impulses
and clarify our relationship.

Have we got one of those?

It's a very important moment,
a new chapter.

In fact, for me, it's the first chapter.

For what has my life been up till now?
A preface. An empty foreword.

You couldn't talk a little plainer,
could you?

Not if you won't have a piece of toast.

At least just... At least look under the lid.

- You went and bought me a present.
- I hope it fits.

Gurkakoff calculated the circumference
of your finger.

I woke up the jeweler at 7:00 this morning.

- It's a lovely ring, Pottsy, really it is.
- I hoped you'd like it.

It's our... It's our engagement ring.

- Pottsy, do you mean you...
- Yes, I did, I...

You mean you really...

Well?

- What am I supposed to say?
- Just say yes.

After you've declared your feelings,
it's the only logical step to take.

Don't you think you'd better take
another turn around the park, Pottsy?

I'm just as surprised as you.

Marriage? I thought
I was married to my books.

The only thing
I thought I could care for deeply

was a correctly constructed sentence.

The subject, predicate, adverbial clause,
each in its proper place, and then you...

You see, I've had rather a curious life.

I graduated from Princeton when I was 13.

I recited Tyger, Tyger Burning Bright
when I was a year old.

Before I was two, I could read fluently.

People like that just, well...

You see, dust just piles up on their hearts.

And it took you to blow it away.

Yeah, but I...

I didn't mean
to blow it smack into your eyes.

Well, that's what happened, look.
Look inside the ring.

Oh, yeah, there's writing.

- "Richard III." Who's Richard III?
- Richard III.

Act 1, Scene 2, line 204.

- There wasn't room for all the words.
- What words?

Well, they go like this, quote,

"Look, how this ring
encompasseth thy finger.

"Even so thy breast
encloseth my poor heart.

"Wear both of them,
for both of them are thine."

Unquote, I suppose.

I hope you don't think it's too corny.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

- Pottsy, I...
- Come in.

- There is a telephone call for you.
- For me?

We didn't want to interrupt, but the man
on the wire said it was from your daddy.

- Daddy?
- That's what he said.

Oh.

- Oh, yes, Daddy!
- It's long distance.

Yeah, I'll get it.

- How did it go, Potts?
- She seemed quite overwhelmed.

That was to be expected.

You see, excuse me,
you see, the customary procedure

is to approach
the parents of the young lady first.

- Yes.
- Yes, I realize that.

- Hello?
- Hello, hello, it's Asthma, Sugie.

The boss wants to talk to you,

only we're relaying the call
so it won't be traced, dig me?

Here she is, boss. Ready?

Okay, Sugie, don't use no names, though.

Oh, boy, did you call at the right minute.
Where are you?

Some whistle snort in New Jersey.
Rancocas, it's called.

Well, how you been, Sugie? I hear
you're hiding out with the seven dwarfs.

Eight. And it's kind of indicated
I'd better get out of here quick.

Oh, no, nothing like that, it's just that one
of the professors got off the beam a little.

Yeah, a slight case of Andy Hardy.

Why don't you just take his umbrella
and whack him over the knuckles?

Well, everything's all set, babe.
The license comes through this afternoon.

I got a justice of the peace all lined up.

Yeah, that's what we're trying
to figure out, how to get you here.

No, I don't want you to take a train.
They'd spot you like a lead dime.

They'll be watching everything,
Holland Tunnel, Washington Bridge.

I don't even trust the highways.

I don't care
if I have to hook a ride on a hearse.

I want to get out of here.
I don't like it. I want to blow.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well, what other news is there, Daddy?

Everything fine at home? Is Mom all right?

For Easter? Well, I don't know, Daddy.

Just a minute.
I won't be long, just wait in the library.

Do you mind if I have a few words
with your father?

Sure.

Daddy, this is the professor
I was telling you about.

Mr. O'Shea? My name is Bertram Potts.

I judge your daughter has already
told you of my aspirations in her regard.

Hey, are you crazy?

You're quite right, Mr. O'Shea.

It's inexcusable for one
to introduce oneself

to one's future father-in-law
over the telephone.

But before even considering

entrusting your daughter's
future happiness to my care,

I'm sure you want to know all about me.

Well, as character references,

you might get in touch with the head
of the Rockefeller Foundation,

and the President of Princeton,
my own university.

Well, except for occasional trouble
with my left sinus,

I am in excellent physical condition.

- How's your digestion, son?
- Good.

I draw a salary of $3,200 per year.

In the last election,
I voted the straight Republican ticket.

That's fine, that's fine.

I just had a brain flash, McNeary.

What did you say your first name is, son?
Bertram.

Well, Bertram,
I don't know if Sugarpuss told you,

but she's our only child.

We kind of never figured
on having a professor in the family,

but if that's what she wants,
then that's fine with us.

Well, I shall do everything I can,
Mr. O'Shea, to make her happy.

Just one thing more, Bertram.

Mom is kind of an invalid,
doesn't do any traveling.

But it would just break her heart
not to see Sugarpuss married.

- You understand that?
- Of course, sir.

My mother's dead,
but I know it would have...

It would have made her happy
to be present.

So, suppose you just bring the kid
right down here.

We want to see you and
let's have the ceremony in our hometown.

Why, of course, Mr. O'Shea.

May I call you Father, Mr. O'Shea?

Thank you, Father.

It was better than I hoped for.
Your father wants to talk to you.

Well, Sugie,
this solves your transportation.

That Jack was made-to-order.

Who's gonna stop the Rockefeller
Foundation and Princeton University?

And suppose you get a couple of the other
old beavers to come along in the car.

Maybe there's some other way.

I don't want to take them
for that kind of a ride.

That's quite all right.
I'll take a couple of days off.

- Yes, we all will.
- That's a good idea.

Now cut out the menkenkes, Sugie.
This gets you to Rancocas.

Once you're here, we'll give the professor
the boot, easy like,

where it won't blind him.

I don't want any discussions.
Just one thing.

Watch out for the Washington Bridge.
That'll be swarming with cops.

Hello? Hello?

- What's the matter, my dear?
- He's always in such a rush.

Which is my great good fortune,
the sooner the better.

Gentlemen, I now have the honor
to announce our betrothal.

Congratulations.

Very sensibly condensed,
as in the Reader's Digest.

- Please don't cry, I'm very happy.
- Can't help it.

Look, why don't you go upstairs and
pack my fianc�e's things for her? Please.

- I want to be an usher.
- We'll all be ushers.

One kisses the bride. May I?

- We'll all kiss the bride.
- Yes, of course.

- May we?
- Go ahead.

We are very happy.

We feel that you are marrying
all of us, a little.

Yes, yes, indeed.

We wish you every happiness, my dear.

All of us.

If we're gonna get started
this afternoon, I'd better be going.

(DOOR OPENING)

Well.

- Kind of a cheesy picture of me, isn't it?
- Recognizable, thank heaven.

- Wait a minute.
- Get your things together

and get down the back stairs
before I call the police.

I've got something to say.

A gangster's moll thinking
she'd marry one of my professors.

Don't worry,
I'm not marrying any professor.

- Certainly not.
- I'm mink coat. I'm no bungalow apron.

That's the guy I'm getting.

Pretty good getting for a gal
that came up the hard way.

We'll have this room fumigated
when you're out of it.

- Well, you ought to, I guess.
- Let me past.

No, no, no, any spilling that's to be done,
I'll do, but not yet.

- Not while it would bug up everything.
- If you think I'll hold my tongue...

Why don't you look at it this way, Braggo?
The harm's been done.

Pottsy's gonna wear his heart in a sling
whether he finds out sooner or later.

Here or in New Jersey
won't make any difference to him.

Only, in New Jersey's
a darned sight better for me.

Better for you, indeed.

- No, no, no.
- Why, you, you...

- Open that door or I'll scream.
- No, I can't have you screaming, not now.

- A piercing scream...
- Sorry, Braggo.

- What did you say?
- What?

I was just running
through the marriage service.

"To be my lawful wedded wife.

"For better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer."

- Please, Pottsy.
- What?

Don't, please.

You're very nervous aren't you, darling?

It's been a very exciting day.

It's just this business of going to Jersey.
I mean, back home.

Every time I get to this old bridge,
I get worried for fear I might get stuck

and not be able to get back over again.

We'll bring you back, don't you be afraid.

Okay, go ahead.

- Hey.
- Sorry, sorry.

You trying to play piggy-back?

Listen to that.

- I don't see any reason for sarcasm.
- Neither do I.

Something wrong with your brakes,
sonny?

I couldn't locate it for a moment.
This is a rented car.

- Got a driver's license?
- I have, indeed.

"1903."
This should have been renewed 20 times.

- This is as far as you drive, brother.
- No, no.

But, Officer, this is a wedding party.

A wedding party?

- Are you the bridegroom?
- No, I am.

- Is this the bride?
- Yes.

- Pardon me.
- Officer, please.

What is it?

It's good luck to touch a bride,
and I got a promotion coming up.

Well, could you reciprocate
by letting us proceed?

- Yes, we'll drive very carefully.
- Yes.

Postponing a wedding
is bad luck, you know, Officer.

That's right.
Well, what are you waiting for?

- Get going.
- Okay.

A very nice gentleman.

All that nonsense with my driving license.

With that license I once drove
President Theodore Roosevelt.

And he pronounced my driving bully.

(HORN HONKING)

- He said that...
- Look out! Look out!

Look out, look out!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(PHONE RINGING)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Help! Help!

Police! Police! Help! Help!

How's that, operator? No answer.

- Jam it.
- Jam it.

(PHONE RINGING)

Huh?

All right, I didn't mean to say it, I'm sorry.

Hey, wait a minute,
there's a car driving up now.

(PHONE RINGING)

Listen, sister, I said I was sorry.
What do you want me to do?

Send you a bouquet of...

It's you, wait a minute.
Hey, it's Sugarpuss.

Sugie, say,
what the sweet Judas gives out?

Where are you?

We're not down here to enjoy ourselves.
This is a wedding.

A what? They had an accident.

Nothing serious.
No, it just shook the old boys up a little.

I couldn't get to a phone before.

I don't know,
some little hotel near Kingston.

Poplar Grove, it's called. Yeah.

Oh, sure, Joe,
there's a midnight bus. I can grab that.

Midnight bus, what are you talking about?

I'll have Asthma and Pastrami
pick you up in about 40 minutes.

Sure tonight.

I've got a justice of the peace on call.

There'll be a justice
of the peace tomorrow.

Now, why not do this thing right?

I want to wait until the old boys go to bed.
I can't walk out on them cold.

Maybe you'd like to sit down

and knit them eight little sweaters
to remember you by.

I've told you how it's going to be,
now stop barking orders.

So long.

Get the car ready.

GURKAKOFF: I could prove to you
by the laws of relativity

that it was not I who ran into the signpost,

but that it was the signpost which ran...

That's all right, go ahead, sit down.

But that it was the signpost
which ran into me.

Let me explain.

If you do, by that same law,
your head will run into this bottle.

- Before you do that, I'd like a drink, please.
- By all means, excuse me.

No, I think I'll hit the hay, get some sleep.

- Why?
- The evening's young yet.

Oh, no, I don't belong here.
This is a bachelor dinner.

- But this one is different.
- No, that's the law.

We've heard from the garage.
The car will be ready in the morning.

Perhaps it will hold together
until Rancocas.

Then we'll be leaving early.

Yeah, after issuing an urgent appeal
to all signposts not to charge at us.

That's right.

What...

What time shall we waken you,
about 7:30?

I'll be awake all right.

Well, kids, here's to you.

- Here's to you.
- Here's to all of us.

Yes, to all of us.

Pottsy, I...

You know,
you boys still have time to warn him.

- A man is a goof to marry any woman.
- Just let them try to warn me.

He'll have to console us that
there aren't seven more just like you.

- Yeah, one for each of us.
- Of assorted ages, of course.

Naturally.

I...

Well, I...

I'd like to keep you all in a locket, always.

Eight squirrelly cherubs
right out of this world.

- Bye, kids.
- Good night.

Goodnight.

Did you hear, Potts?
I'm a squirrelly cherub.

No, no, no.
No, I insist, the happiest marriages

are those which produce three children

at intervals of not less than two
or more than three years.

Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please.

You are all speaking very glibly
about a subject

of which you know practically nothing.

No, I know what I'm saying.

If you feel the need of any guidance,
may I suggest that you turn to me.

That's right.
You were married, weren't you?

Oh, yes. Genevieve has been dead
for some 24 years but...

I have relived every moment
of our happiness so many times.

And my experience
is entirely at your disposal, Bertram.

Thank you, Oddly, but I really...

I judge I do not have to start
with basic principles.

Being...

Being a botanist,
I find an astonishing parallel

between a woman's heart
and the wind flower

or Anemone nemorosa.

Perhaps you know the plant,
how it waits for the warm sunshine

and soft winds before it unfolds its petals.

Sensitive and delicate.

One rough, impetuous bee
can completely destroy the bloom.

Come out of the garden, will you, Oddly?

- Jerome.
- Have a heart.

I'm much obliged to you, Oddly, but I...

Please, please, Bertram.
Think of me as an elder brother

or father, anxious to send you off properly.

As we all are. Of course.

Now, tenderness,

that is what I advocate.
Tenderness and patience.

Genevieve was a watercolorist.

Therefore, after the wedding reception,
we went straight to the Catskills.

We spent there a beautiful week
filled with promise.

And returned to New York
with 14 excellent watercolors.

Fourteen watercolors.

Back in New York, I flung my enthusiasm
into preparing a lecture,

"The Flora of the Catskills,"

whilst Genevieve painted
a flight of swallows

around the walls of our living room.

Ah, me.

I remember for three months,
every time I bade her goodnight

I would kiss the palm of her little hand,

astonished at my own boldness.

What did you say
the name of the flower was?

Anemone nemorosa,
of the buttercup family.

Genevieve was a blonde.

Here is a lock of her hair.

- Very lovely.
- Yes.

I remember, it used to shine a great deal.

And there was a song at that time
everyone sang.

Unfortunately, I can never carry a tune.

(HUMMING)

That's it.

Please sing it all.

(SINGING SWEETGENEVIEVE)

Does anyone else know it?

Please sing it again.

(PROFESSORS SINGING
SWEETGENEVIEVE)

Please, go on.

Thank you, thank you so much.

(HUMMING)

Good boy.

(ALL SINGING)

Robinson, what did you make
of what Oddly was saying?

Don't ask me, Potts. He's the expert.

- What's his bungalow number?
- I don't know. Ask Peagram.

Peagram, what's the number
of Oddly's bungalow?

He's in six.

Oddly?

I'm sorry, Oddly,
but I've got to talk this out.

I must get this off my chest
before it stifles me.

If you don't mind,
we won't turn on the light

while we're discussing
these things extremely personal.

What you said,

I recognize the beauty and delicacy
of the relationship you described.

But I'm... I don't trust myself.

I'm afraid
I'm a lot bolder than you are, Oddly.

You don't think that would necessarily
endanger everything? Do you?

Why, the very idea that I should
have to spend my honeymoon

watching her paint in watercolors

just because she's like somebody
from the buttercup family, I...

I'm a man in love.
It's the first time in my life.

I want to take her in my arms.

I thought because I was young,
I had self-control but that's not true.

I think of her every waking moment.

Why, if this marriage had been delayed,
I mean, should have been delayed,

I mean, should be...

Listen to that.
Oddly, I don't know my tenses anymore.

I've gone goofy, completely goofy,
bim-buggy, slap-happy.

Can a man like that keep his mind
on the Anemone nemorosa?

- Pottsy.
- What...

I'm sorry, I don't know
how I could have made such a mistake.

To say such things to a woman.
You'll have to forgive me.

Don't apologize, Pottsy.

It was illuminating.

Professor Potts!

- Somebody is calling me.
- Are they?

Maybe it's just as well.

- Professor Potts!
- Professor Potts!

I'll be back.

- Were you calling me?
- Yes, we were, Potts.

Potts, something has come up.

- Yes, well...
- Well, what?

- You better tell him, Martin.
- Maybe he'd better tell him.

- Who?
- Potts.

There's a gentleman here. No.

There's a man here. No.

- Four men, four men inside.
- Yes, they'll tell you.

- Well, what...
- So you're the bridegroom?

- Yes. This is Professor Potts.
- How are you, Bertram?

I thought
you'd look like these other squats,

only with a beard and pea soup on it.

What about me evoked
this interest on your part?

- Sounds like it was engraved, don't it?
- Yeah.

- What is this all about?
- It's about Sugarpuss.

- Perhaps if we talked to him...
- There's been too many detours as is.

Maybe you recognize my voice, Bertram,
do you?

How's your sinus?

- You're not her father.
- You're getting warm.

I'm her daddy.

(GANGSTER LAUGHING)

Shut up.

I believe I'm entitled to some clarification.

So am I.

Lipstick.

What are you doing?

Calm down now, Wimpy.

I was kind of counting on Sugarpuss
to tell you the score.

Trouble is she's all right giving out
with the twists and the wise cracks.

When it comes to leveling off,
she gets chicken.

He's trying to say that our wedding trip
was nothing but a vast lie.

A vast lie?

Don't you believe it, Bertram.

There's going to be a wedding all right,
with Sugarpuss the bride.

Only I'm the bridegroom.

(LAUGHING)

Shake it off.

I certainly do appreciate the way
you guys delivered a hot cargo.

She was to be handled with care.

- Potts, it seems that your bride to be...
- His bride. That's a laugh.

It seems that Sugarpuss has used us
to circumvent the police.

- We serving as protective coloration.
- PROFESSOR: Yes.

I don't believe it.

Professor, you really thought
she was going to marry you

with your $3,000 what-was-it a year?

She spends that much
for having her toenails painted.

She sulks if she has to wear
last year's ermine.

He don't believe it. Look at him.

All right. Suppose you go tell Sugarpuss
Daddy's here.

Joe Lilac's the name.

Professor Potts! Professor Potts!

- Why, Miss Bragg.
- Is it too late?

Have you married that girl?
She knocked me out.

Nine hours in a closet.
Something told me all along.

Hold the phone, sister.

We traced you through your accident.

There's a warrant from the DA's office
for this girlfriend of Lilac's.

Where is she?

There's a Mr. Lilac waiting for you.

Yeah.

The situation has been explained to me
in simple terms.

You don't have to worry about the police.
I told them you and he left a half hour ago.

Probably were in Trenton by now.

- Thanks, Pottsy.
- Thanks for what?

You've given us all a fine course in
the theory and practice of being a sucker.

It was a very small tuition fee.

Perhaps it wasn't quite worthy
of you choosing us

as subjects of your demonstration.

Eight pushovers,
like shooting fish in a barrel.

I...

I didn't want you to get it this way.

Not right in the face.

I've been...

I've been sitting here
trying to write you a letter.

Here are all my excuses.

The handwriting of a...
What would be your word for it?

A tramp.

- Good morning, Miss Bragg.
- Good morning, gentlemen.

What about some nice hot breakfast?
I made some Parker House rolls.

- No, thank you.
- Even have some jam.

Strawberry jam, Professor Oddly.

Thank you, Miss Bragg,
but I don't think so.

- Nobody wants any breakfast?
- No, thank you.

Why? What? Very well.

(CONGA MUSIC PLAYING)

Gentlemen, just a moment, please.

Before we attempt to get back to work,
I'd like to say a few words.

You've been very kind and very tactful.
If I may say so, over-tactful.

The entire ride home in the car,

you avoided a certain subject
and made empty conversation.

Now, let's have it out.
I made an ass of myself and I know it.

Oh, well, we all have, Potts.

Yes, but I was the lead donkey.

Why not just regard the episode
as a prolonged constitutional?

That's right. That's what we'll do.

Thank you.

What happened to our emotions
can't be undone.

What happened to our work
must be remedied.

I'm sorry, but because of me
we must work two extra hours a day.

In a month,
we'll be back on schedule again.

- Sure.
- That's right.

Now, we are all scholars.

Let us withdraw behind our wall of books,

and may her name never
be brought up in this house again.

- We didn't mention it, Potts.
- Not even by omitting it so obviously.

Excuse me, Bertram, but...

Well, now that
we are burying her memory,

I feel it only fair, you see,
she gave me something for you.

I found her crying in her bungalow,
and she slipped your ring into my pocket.

Put it in the wastebasket, please, Oddly.

(STUTTERING) Just a moment.
Just a moment.

- Is this your ring, Potts?
- That for $39.85?

- Doesn't look like it.
- Why, no it is not.

- Are you sure?
- Positive.

Because if this is the one she gave
back to you and not the one you gave her,

it's enormously interesting.

- But why?
- Why? How so?

Potts.

- She loves you.
- How can you say that?

Please, she happened
to pull that one off by mistake.

- Not according to Professor Freud.
- Freud?

The subconscious mind
never makes mistakes.

She gave you the ring she didn't want,
his ring.

And she kept the one she wanted, yours.

- That's right, Potts.
- Bosh and nonsense.

I agree with Miss Bragg.

I refuse to be coddled with
a lot of psychoanalytical nonsense.

As one who understands a woman's heart,
I would like to...

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Quite an eventful night
last night, gentlemen.

At least, so we see by the papers.

We're quite fresh this morning, however.
And we're going back to work with a will.

- Yes, indeed.
- There's no hurry about that.

- Not any longer.
- We've had quite enough of your activities.

It has cost the estate some $300,000
to at last have its name

spread across every tabloid in New York.

"Night club babe hides out
in Totten Foundation."

- And this one.
- Yes.

"Professor bridegroom carries
ball of fire across state line."

And many others like it.

For my father, I feel profound humiliation.
For myself, unutterable disgust.

- Shall I go ahead?
- Please.

For the aforesaid reasons,

Miss Totten has decided
to discontinue the encyclopedia.

What?

- How soon can you vacate?
- Vacate? After nine years?

- Expelled in disgrace?
- Pull the chair from under us?

Thrown out like eight old shoes?

I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but my mind's made up.

Go ahead, Mr. Larsen.

Several real estate firms
are interested in this property.

One of the companies wants to erect
an apartment house here, giving you...

Whoa! Please don't do that.

I'm sorry.

One word, Miss Totten, may I?

In your very understandable excitement,
a great injustice is being done.

I am the guilty one.

And I accept my dishonorable discharge
without protest,

but that others should suffer
and be punished

(STAMMERING) for my misconduct
is unthinkable.

(WINDOW BREAKS)

Oh, my goodness, what was that?

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Everybody line up over there,
like for a photograph.

With you, Bertram, in the foreground.

Come on, get going.

Get around, get around. Go on.
Faster. Keep moving.

Saint Valentine's Day!

Is the bride ready yet?

- No, not yet.
- What?

- Louder, please.
- We're still talking it over.

Good idea. Important step.

- Hey, wait a minute. Where you going?
- For lunch. Five minutes late.

- When are you going to be back?
- After I've ate and had my nap.

How long are we gonna argue this?

- Now look, Sugie.
- I said no. And no is no.

Sugie, when I was nine years old,
I was in love with my piano teacher.

She played classical.
You're not nine years old.

I love him.

- She loves him.
- Yes, I love him.

I love those hick shirts he wears
with the boiled cuffs.

And the way he always has
his vest buttoned wrong.

Looks like a giraffe and I love him.

I love him because he's the kind of a guy

that gets drunk on a glass of buttermilk.

And I love the way
he blushes right up over his ears.

I love him because he doesn't know
how to kiss, the jerk.

I love him, Joe.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.

I'll never see him again.

But I'm not gonna marry you.

Not if you tie a ton of cement
around my neck

and throw me into the East River
like you did to all the others.

- I tell you, Joe was framed.
- Oh, sure, sure.

So you tell me, I know better now.

I guess she'd better talk to her professor.
Get him on the phone.

You leave him out of this.

Imagine that big giraffe
at the bottom of the East River.

You wouldn't like that to happen
to him, would you, Sugarpuss?

- That ain't funny, McGee.
- Who said it's funny?

I mean business.

That is if you don't say "I do"
like a nice little bride.

Uh-uh.

I kind of figured you'd bumped your brains
into one of them pink clouds.

- You can't do this, Joe.
- It's too late, Sugie.

- The pressure's on already.
- What is this? Putting the screws on me?

You said it,
and right where it'll do the most good.

- Neighborhood of the heart.
- Hello.

This is McNeary. Hang on. Here you are.

You take it.

- Hello?
- Hello, Sugie.

Sure, it's Pastrami.

Just dropped in on the boys,
Asthma and me,

with our little old typewriters.

That's up to the boss.
We're waiting for orders.

- For orders?
- Can we make a deal now, Sugie?

Sure we can, brother.
Put him on, Pastrami, just a word.

Would you mind stepping
to the phone, Professor Potts?

A lady friend of yours.

I have nothing to say to Miss O'Shea.

- Oh, please, please!
- You haven't?

Just a moment.

Goodness, this is awful.
Yesterday, a nightclub...

Shut your clam, sister.

Hello.

Yes, Miss O'Shea, this is Professor Potts.

Your friends are here.

Not at all.
Your methods are familiar by now.

I don't know the exact purpose
of this maneuver.

What more can be gained from us?

But I hope
that it works to your advantage.

I'm sorry, Pottsy,
but it'll be all right in a little while.

They won't hurt anybody.
Just don't do anything foolish.

- Promise me, Pottsy.
- Give it.

Okay, Bertram, put Pastrami back on.

I imagine he wants to talk to you.

Yes, boss?

Okay, we'll wait for the call.
And best wishes, boss. Congratulations.

Well, all we have to do
is to wait for the all-clear signal.

We'll dismiss the class
right after the ceremony.

- Did you say after the ceremony?
- That's what I said.

You mean they're not married yet?

Why do you think
we're futzing around with these?

Well, I don't know, I thought...

A little trouble with Sugarpuss'
vocal chords. Wouldn't say yes.

She wouldn't say yes? What...

You very ugly young man,

you know, to me at this moment
you look perfectly delightful?

- I mean absolutely beautiful.
- I what?

- Positively wonderful.
- Are you nuts?

(LAUGHING) No, I feel like yodeling.

(YODELING)

Pardon me.

Dr. Gurkakoff,
my apologies to Professor Freud.

Thank you.

But you don't understand.
This visit is no longer a mystery.

Apparently, it requires those two guns

leveled on us
to force Sugarpuss to marry Mr. Lilac.

- You mean to say that...
- Yes.

- That explains everything.
- Break it up, break it up.

- We can't allow that.
- No, no, indeed.

Can't, huh?
What do you think we're here for?

But, young man, you see,
we all love this young lady very dearly.

Better look out. It's gonna spit.

What is going to... Oh, dear.

- Now, sit down, all of you. Sit down.
- Yes, we're... I mean, we're...

Ah.

Don't look so big now,
them eight big brains.

Not to me they don't.

You are under the impression
that you are big

because you have those firearms

because you know how to load them
and pull the trigger.

It would be interesting
to teach them the contrary...

Button it up, understand?

Hey, fellows, this won't take a second.

They're pulling a double or nothing
on that quizzola.

Three new questions. First.

"The sword of Damocles, was that a..."

Say, was you holding a meeting
or something?

More like a wake, maybe.

- Excuse me.
- Just a minute, Jack.

We got a loge seat for you,
right in the back row.

This way, please.

That's right.

ASTHMA: Now, sit down.

Young man, your...
You don't mind if we talk, do you?

- PASTRAMl: Just keep it funny.
- Thank you.

Your question as you came in was about
the sword of Damocles, I believe.

Yeah.

- But I'd just as soon skip it.
- No, but it's a very interesting subject.

- Never mind.
- Yeah, but I do mind.

I just wanted to tell you
that the sword of Damocles

was suspended over his head.

- Yes, by a single hair.
- Exactly.

Did you hear that, Robinson?
Suspended over his head by a single hair.

A constant source of danger.

Mr. Pastrami,
you know your history, don't you?

It's not one of my best points.
I never went in for that kind of stuff.

- At least, not very much.
- Well, I thought I'd just ask you.

- A very interesting lesson indeed.
- Yes.

Yes, indeed. I've always found it
a most absorbing subject.

But Mr. Totten is not suspended by a hair.

(SHUSHING)

ASTHMA: Uh-uh.

No secrets, boys, talk upstairs.

- I thought you'd see it.
- Don't you agree, Dr. Gurkakoff?

- What did you say?
- I said, don't you agree?

Yes, yes, yes. A danger very often
overhangs the unsuspecting.

What kind of jive is that?

If you're gonna talk, talk so we can dig it.

Oh, I'm sorry. We'll try.

- Dr. Gurkakoff?
- Yeah?

What was that about
the Roman fleet and Archimedes?

I don't remember.
You know, it's not exactly...

Why, he set it afire
with the use of reflectors.

You can talk just as well sitting down,
can't you?

Yes, yes.

POTTS: I find that vastly instructive,
don't you, Dr. Gurkakoff?

Extremely enlightening.

- Potts, you were saying...
- Yes.

Now if I... May I stand?

- Sure, if it's gonna help.
- Thank you, it will a lot.

Now, if I may have your attention
for a few moments.

Gentlemen,
you see your inferiority is a question

of the bony structure of your skulls.

- What's the matter with our skulls?
- Now, just listen, please.

Let us take
the glandular syncopation of your eyes.

Kindly look at me, both of you.
It's very important.

They are the doliocephalic and
the brachiocephalic

with a somewhat
Mediterranean estrafuge.

Now try to follow me closely.

Now, the double smorgasbord
of your chins, for instance,

convexing into
the cataclysmic protoplasm...

Am I boring you?

- I don't get it.
- Now, the latest centrifugal research

as performed by
Bronxville scientists has proven

that syllogism is enigmatic to prolonged
resistance, especially in the cavalry.

Now take your ears.
The totalitarian mastoid

of their basic lobes prematurely
extricated from the paranoiac agriculture

- and molecular cadenzas...
- Get down to it.

- What's wrong with us?
- Nothing.

You're just fine. Everything's fine.

Now, on one hand
we have the sword of Damocles,

and on the other hand we have...

Professor Quintana,
would you look up something

in Tate's Oriental Philosophy for me?

- I think I saw it last on your desk.
- Yes, yes.

- Line one, chapter seven.
- Yes.

Do you mind?

Hey, this mixed-up talk
is giving me a headache.

All that book talk. That's a lot of mahaha.

I assure you this is not a lot of mahaha.
This is...

I'll show you
what makes the world go round.

Kind of spread out a little bit, will you?

- My globe! My globe!
- Me, I don't like globes.

Now me.

I saw me a picture last week.

There's gonna be a lot
of trash tomorrow, sister.

If there is any tomorrow, brother.

(ASTHMA WHOOPING)

(PASTRAMI LAUGHING)

Ain't there some more of
them things around?

- Don't get up, please, just...
- Please.

What's the matter with all of you?

We thought...

- Young man.
- What do you want?

Do you think you could shoot this dime

if I held it between my fingers?

Why, sure.

(VOICE CRACKING) I mean...

I mean from where you were sitting.

Okay.

All right, put it up.

- Perhaps we'd better use a quarter.
- Well, that's twice as easy.

I'm glad.

Or maybe even a 50-cent piece?

He's not as dumb as he looks.

Has anyone change for $1?

Never mind, never mind.
A quarter will do. Put it up.

- Oh, no, I can get change.
- Never mind, put it up.

(SHOUTING)

I've got him!

- Hold him, hold him.
- I've got him.

New Jersey? That's an awful big order.
Whereabouts in Jersey?

You just keep on driving.
Further orders will be forthcoming.

I warned you, Miss Totten,
you should never have come along.

It may be very dangerous.

This is my encyclopedia,
and I am going to stick with it.

I've never had so much fun in my life.

How are they doing inside?

Are we ready?

- Shall we start the torture now?
- Just one moment.

First, we are going to give him
just one chance to talk.

Where is that ceremony taking place?

Listen, monkey, I've been given
the third degree by all kinds of cops.

- All over.
- But not by us.

You will see, I am an authority
on Chinese tortures.

(LAUGHING) That tickles!

- Are you ready, Dr. Gurkakoff?
- That's right.

- Now, between the 12th and 13th vertebra.
- No! No! No!

- Hold his head down.
- Hey, cut it out!

- Stop it, will you? Look out.
- No, no, no.

Will you cut it out? Stop it.

No! No!

Around and around.

All right, all right!
All right, I'll talk! I'll talk.

They're in Fulham, New Jersey.

- Fulham, New Jersey.
- Fulham, New Jersey.

Shortest route, Bloomfield, Pine Brook,
Mine Hills, Allamuchy.

And now repeat after me.

- I, Joseph Lilac.
- I, Joseph Lilac.

- Loud, please.
- I, Joseph Lilac...

Head of Murder Incorporated.

- Quiet.
- Take thee, Katherine O'Shea.

- Take thee, Katherine O'Shea...
- Who hates and despises you.

- Loathes you.
- To be my lawful wedded wife.

- To be my lawful wedded wife.
- For better or for worse.

- For better or for worse.
- For worse.

For richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health.

For richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health...

- I'm sick right now.
- Cut it out.

- What?
- Never mind. Keep going.

- Huh?
- Keep going!

To love and to cherish
until death do us part.

They'll put you in the chair
and fry you like...

(PROFESSORS SINGING)

And now repeat after me.
I, Katherine O'Shea.

I said, repeat after me.

I, Katherine O'Shea.

Come on, come on, Sugie.
It's just a parade or something.

Is it? Just wait and see.

What is this?

I believe...
I think it is known as an upstick.

- A stickup.
- Put 'em up.

- Hold up your hands.
- Hold 'em up!

- Back door!
- Don't do that!

I didn't mean it.

Hold 'em up there. Hold 'em up!
I mean it! I mean it.

Come on, now.
Put 'em up. Put 'em up. I mean it.

Get his gun, get his gun.

All right, Joe. Put up your dukes.

Okay, Bertram.

Come on, Bertram.

(SIRENS WAILING)

This load of garbage
goes to the DA's office.

Something must have went wrong, boss.

Listen, you squirrelly cherubs,
you eight wise idiots, it wouldn't work.

Remember, Pottsy, no women aboard.

And now, above all women,
you want to take a dizzy dame like me.

If you'll allow me, I can prove to you
the inevitability of this step

- by higher mathematics.
- I can cite examples from history.

Or from geography,
two rivers converging irresistibly.

Yes, indeed.

PEAGRAM: I can prove it
by examples from literature.

MAGENBRUCH: Physiology.
ROBINSON: By law.

- All of them.
- Gentlemen.

As a grammarian,
I know when words cease to be of use.

There remains one argument.

- Come here, dear.
- Oh, no, please, Pottsy.

- Get up, darling.
- But, Pottsy...

- It isn't fair.
- It isn't?

No. It is not fair.

Oh, my goodness, Bertram.
Remember the Anemone...

(CLICKING TONGUES)